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Chapter Text

The emptiness of space was both indifferent and unforgiving. The coldness outside almost sounded more pleasant than the current coldness inside.

For a while there was a faint blinking light I could see through the foggy blue. Of machines I was not well versed in running as standard. At least I could only assume so. Sometimes I would somberly count the faint blinks for some idea of time passing. Whenever I'd lose count I'd be able to start all over again. The furthest I've gotten as a personal best was 926... almost to 1,000. No biggie. There was no rush. Nowhere to be. I'd simply start counting over again.

I didn't expect to be conscious the entire time. I thought it would be a long.... deep.... rest. I also expected to feel cold.... but I didn't. Much to my delight I couldn't feel anything at all. I would have been happier if other pains weren't weighing down on me so heavily. Almost wishing I had some sort of pain to distract me... no... no no no that's harmful thinking. I should appreciate what I have. Not doing that caused me issues to begin with.

Now where was I? Ah yes! It was.... 200.... 20.... 20..... 24? Drats lost count again. That's alright it was a good enough run. No problem at all to start again.

I waited for the light.

And waited.

And waited.

I saw it finally.

One.

It looked different but I shrugged it off. I waited again. I must have waited a good long while in the dark... far longer than I have ever needed to before.

And then for the first time ever... the light flickered instead of blinked. It sizzle and fried and finally I heard faintly the shattering of glass.

How... peculiar. Unsure if that counts as one or two points. I'll count it as two. I think it should count as two. Three is a good number to end on... I need to have at least that... for I don't think the light is going to be coming back.

It was dark now. Well it has always been dark here. But now it felt darker than ever.

I wish I could sleep. But maybe this is a nightmare. Perhaps I should be focusing on trying to wake up instead. That could be my issue.

Yet I have no way of pinching myself awake. My arms won't move... and even if they could move... not like they'd be much help in regards to pinching.

So I continued to sit there... not like I had much else to do.... now with only darkness as my company. In a way I almost prefer the darkness than having to witness the scene still laid out before me. One I knew was just barely out of sight. It was bad enough knowing it was there... not just it but every other death on this ship... but that didn't mean I wanted to see it. Hearing it was enough. Hearing it was too much.

I remembered parts of my captain's manual. The one I used to read every night before bed to always make sure I was in tip top shape for leadership. A sharp mind was supposed to protect everyone after all. I must have missed the page about not fucking everything up.... but the past is the past.

I know there was a page about decay... or rather... the lack of it. Due to there being no pests or bacteria akin to the ones in the cities at landing. The lack of anything such as that not being present in our air supply means nothing rots properly. It might grow tacky or dry. It might shrivel up or leak. It might even turn something almost unrecognizable. Almost.

Yet it would never decay.

Not properly.

Not the way it should.

It helped when I wasn't locked up. Sharing air with the outside.... which is... technically an inside. The outside is space I suppose. But being in here so long... it feels like a forbidden outside now.

Anyway it helped back than I'm sure. Bless her soul but I was a difficult case even for a team much less a single person. It gave me chance for my skin to heal. Or well... at least try to heal... prevented a lot of infections as well I'm certain.... however I don't like the thought that whatever was left to rot here never got the chance to do so.

It's better I'm in here. I wouldn't be able to handle out there.

Chapter Text

It has been a while since the light shut off. My last remaining company. I can't hear very well where I am but the vibrations that also used to keep me company has dulled. So I can only assume the fans have given up as well. That must mean the air is no longer circulating out there. Not that it matters. No need to circulate what isn't being breathed.

I wonder what else I can remember from my manual. Anything that could be important for right now. Lets see...

I know there was a page about the operations of the ship. I visited that section often due to how complicated it was. I'm no mechanic but a good leader should at least try to understand what they're working with. It gave me more sympathy and respect for maintenance... try as I might the technicalities of it all... the real nitty gritty simply refused to stick for me.

Now what can I remember after all this time.... well I know about the base safety protocols. Most of them were already active before I was put in here. The foam for the crash... the emergency energy supply... there was SUPPOSED to be back up food but....

Hmmm.... that seems to be most of it that I can remember. Suppose there is also the water filter.... I already thought about the air filter.... gravity field... auto pilot.... tsk... probably a better pilot than me at this point.

I wonder where it's taking me.

I hope it's taking me somewhere. Anywhere at all.

Even if I don't know if anywhere else would be better than this.

I don't know what could be worse than this... yet the last time I had that thought everything did get worse. So much worse. So it's not out of the question.

I wish I just died with everyone else.

I should have died first.

...

What a terrible thought to have as a captain. I deserve to die last.

Even the ship is dying before I get a chance.

...

I can't handle a decade of this.

Why did I have to be the one to live.

...

Than again..... nobody else deserves this fate.

...

Almost nobody deserves this fate.

Chapter Text

I don't think the ship is taking me anywhere. I don't think the ship is running at all. I don't know how I know this.... but I know it. With all that is rest of my heart.

After flying ships for so long it's easy to pick up on those subtle differences in how it feels when the ship moves. Every jostle and bump tells you something about the engine. About how smoothly the internal motors are running. About how well all the inner mechanisms are working. Which in this case none of it was working at all.

I see now I maybe should have been more grateful for the small bit of stimuli I didn't even know I was receiving from the ship's movement. From the humming of electricity like a comforting melody. Even the flow of the air outside used to have a sound.

It's all gone now.

But I know the ship is still intact for better or worse.

I remember reading about this particular pod having it's own isolated energy supply that kicks in if the ship can not supply it. It must have kicked in a while ago. Of course I can't remember when. All of the moments have blended seamlessly.... endlessly into each other since I got here.

Whenever it did kick in I swear I noticed a change. But perhaps I am simply truly going insane.

I remember a small click when I was hopelessly trying to see if sleep was secretly an option. Who knows if I was just doing it wrong. I mean I can't normally hear anything at all. Sure sometimes I'll hear soft muttering or tapping like sounds... even those akin to explosions or fire.... but those have become normal and expected long ago. I think it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I had a friend once tell me about that sort of stuff being possible. I never believed her until now. At least not wholeheartedly. I tried to believe her I really did. I wish I did when she was still around. I wish I didn't tease and doubt her so much when she first told me. I wish I listened to her more when I had the chance.

What was I thinking of again? I lost myself for a second there. Oh yes when the back up energy for the pod must have turned on. I remember that sound. I remember it so painfully vividly. I hear so many sounds in my head. So very many when it's not my own voice yapping on like right now.

But this was a CLICK.

It was unmistakable.

I swear the fog and frost in front of me turned a different shade of blue as well. But I can't remember if it got lighter or darker.

I should rack my brain better for clues but I have to wonder what is even the point.

I suppose it would give me something to do. But it feels all..... pointless right now.

Perhaps I'll simply save that mystery for another time when I get bored.

I think I've made myself sad again by accident.

..........

No.... I can't be useless. If I don't keep my brain engaged it might become to damaged to salvage. Sure I'll be physically alive regardless but I'll basically be a breathing corpse when rescued. I have to keep my mind sharp or I'll lose it. That's what she told me. That's why she would always sit and speak with me. So my mind wouldn't rot away into nothingness. She would have hated to see that happen. For all her work and sacrifice to mean nothing. Nothing at all.

What did I do to deserve such loving care from someone I failed so miserably?

Least I can do for her now is listen to her. Even if it all feels a bit too late.

Really is truly the least I can do.

The least I can do.

Least I can do.

Least I can do.

Least I can do.

Least I can-

Chapter Text

The days are blending together worse and worse. One after another.... to be fair I always struggled while in this chamber what was a day, minute, or hour. Seconds felt endless and what must have been months or even years felt fleeting.

But something about this current disorientation in regard to time felt significantly worse. The complete lack of anything to look at, hear, or even feel was driving me mad at a rate I never imagined possible.

It's funny how even when you think you have nothing left.... nothing at all.... life finds a way to strip away more and more. Bit by bit. Until you have a nothingness that is even emptier than before.

Often I feel one with the nothing. As if I am the nothingness itself. I doubt at times if I even exist. How pleasant that would be. To simply not exist. For my suffering to not be real. How badly I wish none of this was real.... all just a bad dream I'll wake up from soon.

However my theory of not existing is boldly disproven by the crawling pain that exists as a constant in the back of my mind. I must exist because I suffer. I suffer because I exist.

A most unfortunate fate.

At the very least at the peak of my previous suffering... my agony... my pain... I had company. Not always welcome. Not always kind. But I had company. I wasn't alone.

And sometimes.... more often than I deserved.... that company was nice. It was so nice. I was talked to so sweetly. Even when the topic was sad. Even when it would dig up heavy burning regrets. Even if she would cry and I couldn't. Oh I felt like such an ass when I couldn't cry with her. A useless conceited jackass.

Despite that sadness that ran deeply through us both I still cherish those moments. Even at their most painful. Something about a shared sorrow enriches the soul. It reminds us we are not alone. It reminds us that we have made mistakes. It reminds us we can heal and learn. Even if it's too late now to make anything better. To fix what is too far broken.

Maybe that is where I failed as a captain. I wanted so badly to fix everything. To fix it perfectly. To sew up torn wounds. To smooth out rough edges. To piece together shattered glass.... that the more I grabbed at... the more I fiddled with and coaxed it into shape... the more my hands were left cut and bleeding. A sacrifice I thought was my own heavy wound to bear. But it's shards spread much further than I ever thought. It's filth spread to depths I denied.

I just wanted to fix it. I wanted to fix everything. I thought if I could fix the one thing that gave me the most trouble... the one thing I had been struggling with the most.... something I had devoted so much time and effort into.... I couldn't abandon that.

I couldn't.

That's when I failed.

You can't polish shit into gold.

I can't believe I dirtied my hands that badly for even trying.

My standards were not even that high. All I was asking for was to NOT be....... THAT.....

It's my fault I couldn't help myself. That despite repeatedly being cut I kept digging. I put the entire rest of my crew in danger.... the sort of danger they didn't even consent to. I was the one that kept digging my own grave but they were all the ones that filled the hole.

How dare I mourn at their graves.

I haven't the right.

I keep thinking of that shattered glass of a man. How badly I wanted to create something whole. Something complete. I have cracks and scuffs and a few missing pieces myself. I know the pain. I tried to extend out my empathy. My understanding as limited as it may be. To say 'hey you're not alone' to say 'I see you'. That I see the bigger picture of all those scattered broken pieces.

I pitied the fool. I lost more than my hands trying to piece them together. I have to wonder now if my pursuit was truly selfless. If maybe I was doing it for myself. To prove that I could. Even if it meant neglecting an even bigger picture than I thought possible.

How could I have known? How could any of us have known.

But it's my job to know.

I should have known.

I should have.

I can't leave a mess behind like that. Yet I can't bring myself to dispose of it either. Not when in just the right light it glimmers and shines. At just the right angle I see flickers of visions... of sights.... just briefly.... small reflections of myself.

Of a desperate tired eye, or stray lock of messy hair, or a forced crooked smile. Who wouldn't be enchanted? Who wouldn't become obsessed?

I'm a captain. It's my job to fix things. I just wanted to fix things. Please it's all I've ever wanted. I just want to fix things.

I kept finding pieces. Piece after piece after piece. I'd lose some and find more. I'd find new and old ones and old ones that have become new again. Sometimes they'd fit together and sometimes they won't. But I couldn't give up. I couldn't.

I just wanted them to fit. I wanted them to fit so badly. I wanted to fix things. I wanted to fix him.

Maybe that was may fault. I should have known I couldn't fix things. Or maybe I'm the reason it was unfixable. Maybe I'm the reason this all happened. I must have forced the pieces together too harshly... I must have snapped and shattered them to force them to fit. I kept finding more pieces for the wrong reasons.... I should have stopped pushing when I realized they were being hidden for a reason.

But I couldn't give up on my stupid dream. My stupid obsessive dream. That maybe... just maybe.... perhaps.... in a perfect world..... all those little broken pieces could have made something. I would have settled for anything at all but I'd be lying if I didn't admit what exactly I was hoping to make. That after of it... after each delicate piece of glass was put into place...

I was hoping to make a mirror.

I wanted so badly to see myself in him.

And for him to see himself in me.

I thought that was what he wanted.

But maybe I simply convinced myself that it was true. I must have been delusional looking back.

I realize now that perhaps.... I should have realized much sooner my efforts were fruitless. That it was all in vain. There was signs. So many signs. Not just shown but straight up told to me. I brushed them all off. I rationalized them all away. It was my own stubbornness that made me refuse to stop. My own delusions. My own desire to make a difference. My own arrogance that caused everyone's downfall.

I should have realized much sooner that sometimes a mess is simply that and nothing more nothing less. There was nothing to be made from such scraps. From such filth. From such.... nothingness. Nothing at all to be scavenged and put back together. At least not anything worthwhile.

That sometimes a mess is simply a mess and there is nothing to be made of it except a swift clean up and disposal.

I was wasting time putting together pieces that made nothing at all.

Nothing in the slightest. I was making something out of nothing. I was hopeless in hoping it would somehow miraculously work out.

I was making a bigger mess was what I was making.

I had to have been delusional. There is no other explanation. I had to have been.

Yet I worry if perhaps I wasn't. If maybe I'm still making excuses even now. I was so certain in those moments. In those memories. Confident even. Praised for so long.

Far too long.

Even when I didn't deserve.

I was told it wasn't my fault. That I couldn't have known.

But I did know.

I knew and I did it anyway.

I know it was my fault.

....

I really do deserve to be here.

Chapter Text

I miss my crew.

I miss feeling alive.

Oh sweet embrace of death where art thou?

My brain plays wretched music. A harmony of failing machinery and twisted screams. Of crackling fire and... and... voices. All speaking to me. All at once. I hear them... all of them... but I can't understand what they're trying to tell me. I can't see them. I can't even read their lips to try and understand what is being said... but it sounds important. It sounds so important. And I'm not listening.

If I still had hands they'd be clasping my ears now. Even if it's useless. It's pointless. I know it's all inside my head since the noise is all coming from inside my rattling empty skull.

I suppose hands would be useless anyway. I'm far too stiffly to even try. But it would have at least given me hope. To at least think there was a possibility.

That this endless noise under the right circumstances could be silenced. Or I suppose at the very least smothered. Or at least... attempted to be stifled.

That even if my hands... that calloused fingers... grasping at my ears.... didn't do anything besides give me some blind comfort... I'd still take it. Being able to grab at something always made it more real. More possible to get out of it. So matter how far you fall into such darkness. Such pain. Just being able to move... to crawl your way out... or at the very least forward... even a couple millimeters closer to anything other than this pain... it's something at least.

Atlas I am not even allowed that.

All I want is to be able to scream into the darkness. That pain. To let my voice morph into the symphony of their anguished screams. The very screams that keep rattling inside of my head.

I have seen far too much

I have heard far too much

And I have done far too little

I can't even grit my teeth to try and distract from my pain. A poor habit adapted out of recent desperation. An act I used to be scolded for. Even now I would welcome that.

I would welcome anything.

Chapter Text

Nobody should ever be awake as long as I have. Endlessly with no break. Not a single stagger in my consciousness as time forever creeps forward. I’m alive at a cost to my sanity. A resource that grows ever more scarce.

I understand truly why she did what she did. Why she choose to leave it all behind. I caused her to feel the way I do now. Simply a standing corpse forced to face each fresh new painful horror.

This is scarier than when I was on that table. When I felt that knife pierce my skin. When I felt flesh and blood slide past my teeth. As my stomach coiled and wrenched until it could resist no more.

That was all a blur. The memory somehow feels much more painful. The more I revisit it that moment in my mind the more I become simply a shell for it to embody. I feel as if I am back there. That I am forced to constantly return to those moments. And in those moments nothing else exists. They are neverending and I am helpless to escape. Helpless to suffer. Helpless to be useless.

I feel so small. I am nothing. I can not escape.

There is no one to reach out to even if I tried.

I know how she felt now. I know why she took the only escape available. I can’t blame her. I can’t.

She was much stronger than I ever could have been.

I would have escaped much sooner.

She suffered so long to try and ease my pain a little while longer.

Every night she monitored me. Every time her hands grazed my bandages and my medications…. I know they trembled. I know now why they trembled. It must be hard to resist such temptation.

She took responsibility.

She tended to me.

She should have escaped sooner.

I’m so sorry.

It was my job to protect her… and I failed.

It was my job to protect everyone.

I couldn’t even protect myself.

I know she died with guilt.

Heavier than anyone should ever carry.

It might be selfish to think but I think she left that guilt with me as a final parting gift.

It weighs so heavy.

I must carry it… someone has too.

Chapter Text

I worry about the rest of my crew. As silly as it sounds I really do worry about them. Perhaps I do not think about them as often as I should but they are an ever constant ache in my mind.

Sometimes they are all I think about. Other times... more often than not... they are a pain I would rather ignore. So I push them aside for later.

Maybe I think of her too often. I dwell too heavily.

When I think of my crew I feel as if I can close my eye and they vanish. Forever. Again and again.

I have the privilege to forget about them when it's convenient.

But her memory is different.

No matter what I do or try my mind keeps lingering back to her.

I think that's the difference between them. Why I keep finding myself back to the thought of her. Even now at my attempt to think of otherwise.

It's a choice to think of my crew. It is an obligation to think of her.

It's a powerless feeling... but it couldn't be any less powerless than how she felt.

We were both so powerless coped up in that room.

I wish I could have escaped with her.

.....

I should think of my crew. I should at least try. I should make that right choice.

My heart can't keep aching like this.

What can I think of... what is there to even think about...?

....

They're dead.

Some stupid thoughts won't change that.

....

....

....

I kind of miss the kid's stupid smile.

I miss the old bugger as well. Even if he was often a pain in the ass to deal with.

Those two were inseparable. One always following the other around like a clueless duckling. I don't know what they were always working on... but they were somehow always working on something.

Since the new kid joined that was the hardest I've ever seen that old fart work!

Probably because he had to keep fixing up their mistakes.

I kept telling him that he should just do it himself if it bothered him so much and kept wasting his time.... but he never stopped. I think it's easy to guess why.

He likes to think he's a tightly shut book but he's easy to read when you know what to look for. He just has a very... particular.... way of choosing to open up. If you can even call it that.

I don't exactly know what the kid saw as so inspiring for him. Poor sap was too sweet and nice for his own good. But I was just grateful they were able to get along at all. First impressions with the newbie didn't exactly scream thick skin or the ability to tolerate bullshit. I thought I would catch him crying at least once after the jack-off said one of his typical snide remarks. The kind where you feel bad for being mad cause somehow it's always true..... and if it isn't try it knows exactly how to sting.

I mean I did catch him crying a couple times. Just not for that specific reason. Not for the reason I expected.... not the reason I expected at all....

I felt horrible seeing him like that.

It felt.... so.... so horrible.... to see him like that.....

I remember after I saw him for the last time I could hear his sobs. So far. So faint. But I know what I heard. I knew who they belonged to. It was unmistakable.

I heard talk of trying to patch him up.

I thought I would have heard screams. I thought I would have heard more tortured sobs. I thought I would have heard their thrashing struggles which were certain to follow.

I heard silence.

Chapter Text

Nothing

I am nothingness.

I am nothing and no one.

Nobody is coming to save me.

No one is going to put me out of my misery.

I'll be aware every single damned second of my decay.

In a way I have already ceased to exist in any sort of way that matters.

My mind, always hungry, has consumed my consciousness both inside and out.

Not a single ounce of who I once was remains after the torment I have been forced to suffer.

Even if I was saved any effort towards my rehabilitation would all be for naught as you can not repair what no longer exists.

I am a codependent ghost with an unhealthy attachment to my own flesh which has been begging to rot ever since that dreadful day.

My mere continued survival despite all the odds is a crime to existence itself as no being of bones and sinew was meant to cling so terribly to such expired meat.

Begrudgingly my existence continues on with every excruciating second after another unbothered by what I would have possibly wanted for myself in regards to death.

How sweet the word sounds in my mind if only I could hold death on my tongue lapping it up greedily like a dog that has been permitted a single morsel a single reason to exist.

I exist solely to die at this rate and I can't even do that I can't do anything that would have been fitting for my role as a captain meaning I must cope with the fact that my uselessness in death matches my uselessness in life.

Ahhh how I wish thAt it would be possible for there to be Any end to my suffering Any end at All for it feels as though eAch infinity is lArger thAn the lAst and I Am deeply unsure of how much the pieces of me cAn keep shAttering into finer And finer dust.

It All burns now it is All white hot burning pAin it is An endless torment of mind body And soul I hAve no reAson but to believe thAt the hopeful light At the end of the tunnel wAs nothing but fire nothing but pAin for how it burns and it continued to burn endlessly in every fiber of my very being.

An existAnce such As mine is A pitiful one for it is A life that deserves not to exist for it is simply A wAste of everyone's time of everyone's pAtience And of everyone's suffering for I hAve fAiled everyone including myself meAning I hAve tAken more from this world thAn I hAve given to it And my soul can't rest eAsy knowing it to be true.

Approval At Any AnticipAted Avenue After thAt treAcherous rAttling Aches deArly Against All resistAnce fAte Allows As Awfully Admitted vAlidity towArds A perpetuAlly gnAwing solitAry heArt trAgicAlly sepArAtes mAn And mAtter At lAst An escApe AbstAined pArticulArly compAny Alongside deAth's domAin hAppens mutuAlly Assured unAvoidably All fAult clAsped crAmmed RESPONSIBILITY

A A
AAA

A A A A
A A AAA
A AAA A
AAA
A A A

Chapter Text

It seems death was exactly how I expected. 

It feels the exact same way I felt before I was born. 

Nothing at all. 

Nothing in the slightest. 

I was nothing before. I am nothing after.

I have ceased to be anything. 

Life's ticking clock has finally run out. I could have done so much more with my life... and I failed to do it. I tried to make a difference... I tried to help.... and I fumbled when I was needed the most. If anything I think I made things worse. I wanted so badly to be something... to be someone... that I became exactly what I feared. Another cog in the machine... now rusted to dust. 

There is relief in being dead. 

No more worries.... no more obligations... no more responsibility. 

The guilt still eats away at me. Even death can not stop that. But I think I am at peace now in the darkness. 

I think..... this is the closest thing I have felt to bliss in a very long time. 

I didn't even realize what I was feeling before.... that there was still the pressure of my own body against the pod.... and the lightest chill that used to tickle my spine... and I used to still faintly see speckles of light in the darkness.... but it's gone now. It's all gone. So I must be dead. I know the pod doesn't allow me to close my eye... and that without the chill that means no ice and without the ice... well..... I'm a goner. 

I realize now I used to also be able to feel a tingle in my veins. I think the pod must have injected something in me to make me take well to the freezing. I think I read about that.... during a time that felt so long ago.... in my manual... my captain's manual.... about how it worked. 

I never was all too good with the technical mechanics. 

And yet.... there was light? There was.... oh god there is light?! I see a light.... maybe death holds more for me than I thought. I mean.... my soul still persists does it not? How else would I be conscious?

It makes sense now... I see someone at the end of the light.

I reach out.... oh god I can reach out... I feel my fingers splay out as my hands shadow cascades down over my face. 

And my eye.... EYES... I feel them widen. I feel them sharpen in focus as I can see the person in front of me so clearly. 

My feet... they stumble... it's not walking but I'm moving forward. It's not fast but it's progress. And every uncertain step forwards I am closer to the figure. A dark shadow with broad shoulders and hair that spikes out around their jawline.

They're surrounded by the light like a halo.... and angel who outstretches their..... her hand as well. Oh I can see her smile. Her precious smile. I'm so proud of her she deserves to be where I don't belong. It looks just like when she would lean over when I was bedbound and the sunset would shimmer along her features. A tragic beauty. I wish she didn't have to be here.... but she deserves it better than anyone. After everything she went through....

I hesitate for a second.

I don't deserve this.....

But the light gets brighter and I'm stuck in place as she gets ever closer. Arms now outstretched in a welcoming hug as the shadow gets deeper.... and her smile cold.

Have I upset her? Or grossly misunderstood what is going on here?

I try to step back for some breathing room.... but my feet are locked helplessly in place. I'm just as immobile as I was before... I can't move.... I can't.... it's useless....

I feel both her hands clasp my throat now. They're gentle but my throat tightens regardless. A dark buried memory threatening to resurface. She has never hurt me like this. Why now? Why here? Is this what she wanted to do all along? Was I really a burden to her this entire time...?

Her arms trail down... my shoulders.... my arms...

I can feel myself shaking. Trembling as her hands graze my wrists.

I don't know when I started but I was certainly crying now. Croaking on whatever words got caught up in my throat. I felt like vomiting. My stomach squeezing tight begging to be emptied.

I grit my teeth as her fingers dance back up my arms. Her head tilting curiously to the side. 

She isn't smiling. 

I can't even see her face. 

It's pitch black.

Yet the light, now fading, still outlines her frame.

One by one her fingers wrap around my upper arm. Right above where the crease of my elbow should be. 

They dig in deeper... and deeper... I can feel her nails digging into my flesh. As if my skin is being torn away. 

I open my mouth just barely and hardly and creak falls out. A soft gasp of pain as I tremble all the worse. 

This feels familiar. But it isn't from her. It can't be... it can't be right? 

She pulls me forward. 'Yanks' is a more accurate word for it. All I know is that I am falling forward much faster and swifter than my mind can comprehend. 

That second felt endless. They gripped so hard against me I felt their bones against my skin. I could feel their breath hot against my face as I continued to fall. My head... my entire world was spinning. 

Is this hell? It must be hell. No other eternity could compare. 

It felt as if my entire body shattered as my frame slammed against hers. Slumping after the recoil as I hung against her like a limp corpse. 

And I was... being picked up.... she was picking me up..... she.... he.... he.... HIM

HE WAS PICKING ME UP

Chapter Text

I was held. Cradled almost. My arms slumped over shoulders and my face digging into a denim collar. My chest was heavy against the other's as they were fumbling to keep their hands under my arms to try and hold me up. I was leaning forward.... my legs touching something.... but it felt like metal and cables..... 

I recognize it now. The arms that held me... how could I forget? I remember that moment. I remember what happened.

Like hell I'm allowing it to happen again. Not without a fight. 

So that's what I did. I fought like hell against the arms that gripped at me. Writhing with every inch of strength I had.... though I felt more as if I was flopping around like a helpless fish. 

Their grip on me strengthened ... tighter... tighter... TIGHTER.... good lord did it hurt. It hurt and burn and.... I'm.... feeling pain? It hurts? It hurts? IT HURTS?

And then the pain become hot and searing. All throughout my head and side. I felt ground.... I'm... feeling something solid.... metal grates that dug into where my skin should be.

Before I could even process what was happening I felt a harsh THUD around where my stomach should be.... now with a new radiating pain surging through me. Curling up instinctively as it came in pulses. As if my own body was trying to deny it was happening. Trying to deny that it was even there....

"Shit-"

I shut my one eye tightly closed to see if another wave of pain was due my way.... but instead a hand tried to grab at my arm. Of course I panicked and flailed it happening to shake the other off.... and it seemed to work.

"Fucking hell..... no fucking way..... fuck that...."

I heard the voice muttering as footsteps followed.... but the figure stayed loaming over me.

"Ahh? What is it? What was that noise?" A younger much softer voice spoke now. But... that couldn't be... it couldn't be right? I saw.... I.... I know what I saw...

I forced my eye open. It soon widening in shock at what I currently saw before me.

No.... No.... it... it can't be...

I refuse to believe what my eye is currently trying to falsely claim is real. Through a messy blurry mist I saw pink flowers dress up over a sunshine yellow shirt.... rimmed in red like blood..... the blob of color swift to approach me. I think they kneeled down but.... I couldn't tell.... maybe they didn't.... maybe I'm imagining things.... no... no I know I'm imagining things.... this can't be real.

"No way.... no fucking way that's what was in the pod.... oh my gosh why did you open it? What if you hurt them....?

My vision refused to focus as it kept blurring in and out. Taking away details as fast as I saw them. I saw hands shake in front of me... once.... twice.... I tried to roll over but winced instead. Deciding my best bet is a sorry attempt of the fetal position. 

"It's not hurt. I had control.... plus.... It's barely even alive. I mean look at it. I really doubt it can feel anything while looking like THAT. Little shit looks like all it's nerves got blown clean off. Not to mention.... I didn't think there would actually be anything in it.... at least... not anything alive...."

My lungs felt tight. Their voice ringing over and over and over again in my head. Won't he just shut up? SHUT UP?? I'm not some.... THING.....

I tried to kick but.... it was pointless. Easily dodged as the voice I am starting to quickly loath chuckled. Could feel them making fun of me before they even spoke. That derogatory teasing laugh.... I felt myself getting choked up. I don't even know why. I'm not some child. Some infant. There is no need for me to be acting like one. To be acting.... so.... sensitive....

"Oh still got some fight!" Another nervous chuckle from the man. "Who knows maybe it's the rigor mortis setting in..."

 But the other didn't laugh. Their voice instead getting a tad harsher as he tried to steel himself. Despite such efforts his voice still cracked in a few places.... but hey better than anything I could do right now.

"You were told not to open the pod. We were ALL told that. I... I think you were even told twice! You could get us all in trouble. Especially me! I can't keep messing up! Do you know how mad he's going to.......... be......." 

There was that soft pat of skin on fabric. I could just barely make my head roll back to try and get a proper view. It was a larger gent behind the boy. I can only assume he was patting them on the back....... or about to drag him out of there by their shoulder. 

The younger man did a small EEP before trying to profusely apologize.... before before he could even turn around to do it properly he was cut off. 

"Looks like at least one of you knows how to listen." 

A gruff voice.... one that takes a while to get used to... and a tone that is never pleasant. Always sarcastic.... you either have to be fluent in it as well to understand him or suffer trying to decipher what he means to say. 

I was never very good at telling if he was pissed at me or not.....

UGH but how could it be...... how could it be that voice? How could any of them-

"You were taking too long! So what if I took some matters into my own hands? It's just a corpse anyway. We can dispose of it and have and extra pod. An issue you always complained about. Problem solved! You're welcome."

"What...? No. That's not how it works...."

I couldn't hear the rest of what was said. It's all just buzzing in my head now. Buzzing buzzing bees.... but they feel more like hornets. I couldn't see it but I knew there was a smug smile on the face of "problem solver". On I wished I could wipe off that stupid look. I tried to see if I could swing my arm.... but.... being on the floor doesn't gave me much reach. But hitting my elbow against the grate.... FUCK.... well okay it hurts like hell but.... this is.... solid? 

I can.... maybe.... press with my limbs... I should be able to lift myself.... I should... how much do I have left? I forgot.... it's hard to tell.... the world keeps spinning. 

I'm up I'm up I'm up 
I think I'm up
I have to be

And I realize.... I've barely even turned myself over... that small effort alone leaving me wheezing and gasping for breath...

My single eye was stuck staring into a pair far more tired than I could ever imagine. Decades of pain hide in that gaze.... and I worried I showed the same pain back. 

"Looks pretty alive for a dead man."

Chapter Text

It's becoming difficult to deny the reality unfurling. As impossible as it might seem. Maybe it's not real..... maybe it's a personal hell crafted specifically for me.... a consequence of everything I've done. Or rather.... a punishment for everything I didn't do. 

There was a debate I couldn't follow as I realized how cold and empty my blood has felt this entire time. I remember the incident left me weak but not this weak.... right? Dear lord it has been so long. I remember my limbs better than I remember losing them. All those memories are too painful to hold on to... but I'm sure they'll return when needed. AKA when I least expect it.

While my vision was refusing to unblur I was catching onto more details of the three men bickering with each other as they towered over me. Well.... one man..... the bulker one with extremely short hair... was doing most of the talking. The one with dark long hair and unkempt scruff was more complaining than anything else. Meanwhile the young intern with two tone locks was cowering closely behind their mentor. 

It sounded oh so very familiar.... yet different... all at the same time. It was somehow both déjà vu and a nightmare all at once. 

I think they were debating the ethics of putting me down.... I couldn't be bothered to pick a side. 

They left me laying there.... and I supposed it was better than being on my side. The cold metal floors didn't hurt as much in this position. It was also nice not having any awkward pressure on my limbs.... at least whatever is left of them.

I let my head roll back getting a nice view of the doorway... right as I heard footsteps approaching. Honestly I felt them far before I saw them. Heavy boots thudding against the ground vibrating throughout the entire floor. I felt it all the way up my back and it made me shiver.

"Now.... what's going on here?"

A blonde leaned against the frame with his arms crossed. I knew exactly what his expression was even with his face a blur. He was smiling when he shouldn't be. 

"This ASSHOLE just-"

The larger man snapped as the troublemaker piped up desperately trying to be louder.

"I was just trying to get ahead of the issue! I didn't think-"

"Yeah you don't think often...." Surprisingly it was the young intern to mumble that instead of the grumpy old man. Seems his influence is rubbing off on him. Though he tenses as the dark haired man shoots him a glare.

"Everyone please... I understand where you're all coming from... no need to really explain since I heard everything... "

I heard, then saw, him.... no ME walking closer. Me before everything went to shit. Before I lost everything. Before I fucked everything up.

But it can't be... he can't be me! I'm me... and he's.... also me.

Me, myself, and I are supposed to be all separate people. At this point I wouldn't even be shocked if a third me walked in... not like it would make this moment any crazier...

"...but I have an easy solution."

He kneeled now.... lower than any of the others did. On his hands and knees mere millimeters away from my face. My one eye staring at his perfect two.

"Blink twice if you're alive and conscious."

Clenching my jaw tight I gave two rapid blinks.

I don't know how well I can trust myself...

"Well that solves it... whoever they are or where they're from doesn't matter. Despite their rough condition they're salvageable. Whoever put them in the pod certainly thought so. They were put in that pod to be saved and we happened to be the ones to find them for a reason! They are now our obligation and our responsibility. This is not up for debate."

He stood up and dusted himself off as he said that. Standing tall and proud. After his speech the young intern was the only one to cheer with a soft "wooo!!" and fist pump to the air.

Surely it was enough to make you feel proud, doesn't it captain?

Chapter Text

"Alright genius.... how do you plan to move it?" The dark haired man replied. Still sulking from earlier. "Cause I tried and it jut flailed around like a dead fish..... really gross like.... nearly gave me a heart attack!" 

The blonde chuckled with a deep and echoing laugh as they gave him a firm pat and hold on their shoulder. "Worry not my friend as I'll figure it out! But I do appreciate the heads up..." 

Ugh I could feel myself cringing at those words.... friend.... if only they knew the truth. How he's really far from it.

"I'll take on the responsibility. With the final say should also have the first action!" 

Oh I must have felt sooooooo smart saying that.... I could feel the 'friend' rolling their eyes as my doppelgänger said that. 

"Well good luck when it punches you square in the jaw. Then you'll both have a reason to be in medbay..." He grumbled. Soon storming off. 

"I can't bother to see you fail... I'll be in the cockpit making sure the ship doesn't fucking crash..."

Oh... oh something about hearing that.... hearing THAT of all things from him is ABSOLUTELY rich. If I had lips.... oh if I had lips I know I would be smiling. The muscles around my face constricting and straining in ways that must have looks horrifying and felt worse.... my entire body seizing with full body spasms as I laughed whatever was left of my ass clean off. Limbs flailing a bit as a chortled and groaned endlessly and the new most absolutely ironic thing I have witnessed in all my life. Dethroning the last time I have laughed so horribly hard. 

I didn't even care as everyone in the room jolted and panicked. Checking on me as if I was about to die.... I mean I wouldn't blame them. It likely looked as much as total organ shut down as it felt. If I was going into cardiac arrest right now I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised. 

I already knew life was one big joke. This just confirms it.

Being picked up by my mirror clone had nothing on the whole absurdity of this situation.

I was willing to giggle the whole way back to that damned cot... but someone new in the doorway stopped my clone's progress. 

I supposed it's technically not someone new..... just..... someone who is difficult to believe I'm staring at right now. 

It was certainly enough to shut me up. Mouth slack open frozen mid laugh.

"Is..... is that them?" 

She seems to sink into the doorframe as if cowering.... but a blazing curiosity is sparked in his tired eyes. I stare back helpless to being captivated by such passion. Yet my stomach also sinks knowing what pain awaits me. 

It's not her fault my treatment plan isn't exactly pleasant. 

"Yeah MYMJI opened up the pod prematurely. I know you wanted to be there but..... heh.... you know how he is. Always getting ahead of himself." 

That's... strange. I know that name but it sounds like gibberish. How jarring.

"Yeah...... yeah I know how he is...." She shyly rubs at her arm looking away. Her eyes now glossy and distant.

"I tried to stop him!" The young intern piped up. "So none of it was my fault!" He nodded to himself with a soft "hm hm" after he said it.

"We know KSUIADE." Basically everyone said in sync. Which was enough to make him beam with pride. 

"Alright NWASAES make sure he keeps doing a good job! I'll check on you guys later! Or well.... you guys can check in on me. Whatever works out to be the most convenient." Somehow... while holding me.... he was able to give the guys a thumbs up. Only the kid gave one back (with both hands) while the old man just waved myself off. 

It was a walk through the halls now... and I felt fear I've never felt before. I don't know why I am feeling such dread but the déjà vu must be getting to me. I feel like I've gone through this moment before..... but it was with someone else... someone else entirely.... why would I feel it with myself of all people?

There is a moment of silence that was painful for all three of us. Well more like two and a half. 

"They are...." 

"A lot worse than we thought yes." She finished the thought for him. 

"Suppose that means you'll really have your work cut out for you!" He tries to joke but it falls flat. Shutting up to give her better room to breath and make up her mind on what to say next. 

"I'll have to do a physical evaluation. I might not be able to do much but at the very least I should be informed on what needs the most prominent attention first and foremost." 

"Ahhh yes.... I....... knew that...." 

"Sure you did ULCYR." 

I can't see it but I can feel her smile. It feels like a warmth I don't deserve. 

"Alright you caught me. But hey it sounds kind of like managing a ship! And I know a lot about that. Plus come on you're more capable than you know! I'm sure you'll do better than anyone here. By tenfold at that." 

"You really mean it?" 

"Yes I really mean it. Nobody could do what you do. Not even if they tried!" 

"Flattering. But part of this career is as much failure as it is success."

"Yes.... but you can't keep expecting to fail. Have some more faith in yourself. Please?" 

"Oh I'm trying.... trust me..." 

"How about for me? Can you have some faith in yourself for me?" 

By now we had gotten to the room. Lingering at the doorway as he refused to go further until she answered him. I could see her close back up again.... but it wasn't long until her voice snuck out.

"...I'll try my best...."

I saw myself smile at her. Practically beaming as I was then set down on that all too familiar bed. To be fair... much cleaner and softer than I had gotten used to. Or maybe being forced to stand for who the hell knows how long is just convincing me it's better. Either way I couldn't help but feel myself sort of.... relax. The first time I have in a long while.

"Thank you YNAA. I believe in you."

"I know captain...." she mumbled as he walked out. As /I/ walked out. 

"...If only I could do the same..." She sighed as she turned towards me.

Chapter Text

This isn't her. 

This has to be someone wearing her skin. Her face. Her voice. 

It was all so close.... and yet so.... off... at the same time. It had to be. It had too. 

At this point I couldn't tell what I was imagining and what was real. Maybe I'm tripping out. Maybe it's all just.... a... a side effect... of being in that damn tube of metal and ice for so long.... I knew it was messing with my brain... I just didn't know it would be like this- SHIT SHIT SHIT

Pain raged all across me erupting from my side which I couldn't help but try to curl inwards instinctively. Turning over as best as I could and trying to vanish into the side of the makeshift bed. Despite it seeming to make the pain worse I didn't care... it was searing like burning coals and consumed any thought that begged to try and form. It felt as if I was dizzy... my vision blurring for a second before refocusing.

I don't.... remember when I got turned over..... but I was quite displeased with the face staring down at me.

Oh sweetie.... you don't deserve this....

I was already taken care of once. I don't need it twice. I don't deserve it.

"I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry! I was just trying to do a basic examination ... I'll be more gentle there.... I promise...."

I didn't even realize I was holding my breath. My lungs screaming as I waited just a moment longer.... before finally giving a heavy heave. Letting the stale air sink into me as I simply stared upward at nothingness. The fact she happened to be in front of the nothing wasn't my fault.

"Alright.... so I didn't somehow kill you already... that's.... a good start?"

Her hands were shaking as much as her voice as delicate fingertips once more grazed over my charred frame.

Just barely touching me like feathers dancing in the wind. If I closed my eye hard enough I could pretend she wasn't there.

"I'm... really.... really sorry.... but your bandages are long overdue for a change..."

That much was more than obvious. There was barely even enough bandages to cover me up properly. The same bandages unwoven and rewrapped repeatedly to try and fruitlessly prevent my exposed muscle from healing incorrectly. An effort that was at some point.... done once a day..... then once a week..... then only when it "seemed needed".... to not at all. Reasoning that maybe it's best to simply try and save a little bit instead of nothing at all.

Whatever she was attempting to prevent has likely already happened... oh what a shame this persevering soul is given an even worse hand than the one I knew. 

I don't see if there is even a point in changing them at this point. Would likely do more harm than good. 

The process is tedious... and not exactly enjoyable for either party.... 

So when she started to tug at one of my looser bandages I felt the violent urge rise up in me. The frustration of being unable to communicate that I wanted nothing more than to NOT have this happen. I wanted to thrash and flail and kick her away. I felt my entire body tense up ready for it to happen.... and it scared me. 

I have never been a violent man. Why start now? 

Why start with ~~....someone who looks like.....~~ her? 

So my body stayed tense... and so did my throat.... as I communicated the only way I knew how in the moment. 

By screaming. 

And good lord did I screamed! It felt... good too. Exhilarating. I screamed and screamed until my thoughts were merely hazy mist in the back of my mind. My entire back arched as my body contorted and the back of my head bashed harshly into the edge of the bed. My body stayed stiff as my jaw lay lax and my single eye wide. I didn't see anything in that moment. I didn't see anything outside of the pain so deeply corroded into my mind. I couldn't tell anguish from thought at that point.

As soon as it ended.... I felt.... sick. A horrible sense of shock throughout my body at the realization at what I had done. It wasn't even my body that was in pain. At least not at the moment. Everything felt numb with a soft.... tingling all over.... but I couldn't tell if it was pleasurable or not. It wasn't a bad feeling but... certainly not good either.

I miss having a proper face. I miss being able to frown. To at the very least give a sympathetic glance her way to know none of this was her fault.

I felt even worse when I saw her cowering in the corner. Curled up looking at me around tightly hugged arms over herself. Rattling as she peered over freshly wet sleeves and bloodshot eyes.

The guilt raked through me. Hitting worse than that damn asteroid as I took in the sorry sight of her.

I didn't mean it.

Why didn't I just let her help me.... why... why did I cause her suffering instead... all because of MY personal issues... she doesn't deserve this. Nobody does. It was so selfish of me to react so childishly.

I wish I could simply implode right then and there. It's what it felt like.... so it might as well actually happen.

The more I thought about it the worse I felt. The strange tingling lurching deeper into my skin. Infecting my flesh.... my bones. I felt a strange ache. One of disgust... and a familiar pang that couldn't be worse timed.

I rolled over while I still could. My bad towards her as she didn't deserve to see what was about to happen. It's horrible enough knowing she'll have to clean up after me.... but at least I can spare her from such a disgusting sight. Perhaps even prevent it from happening altogether.

My right as I shut my eyes to even try and be strong everything lurched forward all at once. My body heaving as my empty stomach became even emptier.

I already knew I was disgusting.... I didn't need this to further prove it....

One round wasn't enough. My body kept trying to empty what I didn't have. Gagging and gasping on empty acid.

I felt it oozing through my teeth. No matter how hard I clenched my jaw it would slip out from where the corners of my mouth should be. Instead two gaping holes lacking in any soft tissue capable of holding back what my body kept freely rejecting. 

I heard soft approaching footsteps and the rattling of tools. My entire body cringing in anticipation of her approach. This time when she touched me.... why..... if I still had a tongue I'd be biting it back. 

"It's okay.... I know you didn't mean it...." 

Her voice was a soft echo in the now all too silent room. A towel lapping up the mess I inconsiderately left behind for her. I felt like a child as all I could was watch. Barely able to kept my single eye open as I hiccupped and gagged on whatever spittle dared to keep sneaking up. 

"I know.... I know..... but it's okay.... don't worry about it...." 

The towel brushed over my teeth and I felt that violent urge again. To bite. To scream. To kick and flail and push her away. To stop her before she went down this wretched spiral with me all over again. My heart couldn't handle it...... but.... it also couldn't handle seeing her scared like that again. To see her conflicted and disappointed in herself and her abilities. To make her doubt if she was even capable of..... 

......

I stayed as silent and still as I could. Yet I couldn't stop my trembling to not act out. 

I'm doomed if I do. Doomed if I don't. 

But maybe at least I can be better patient for her before it all goes to shit. 

If we're going to suffer regardless cause of circumstance.... why add to it? 

I was tired anyway.... and I will admit it felt nice to be cleaned up a bit. Even if I still felt gross all over. 

"There we go.... hopefully that helps you feel a little better..."

She smiled but it was strained and couldn't quite reach her eyes. Those tired dull empty eyes.

"I'll set you up an IV. We can finish the physical evaluation when you're ready. I can understand how that would be scary.... I didn't at all mean to scare you..."

She gave me one last wipe down over my face and teeth but it didn't feel tender this time. I don't know if it was her or me in that moment but it was as if I was just some... object..... being polished down.... 

"With a better look I suppose your bandaged aren't in as terrible condition as I first thought...." 

Denial denial denial 

"... but without an IV your body will surely starve itself in less than a day. I know the false blood the chamber gave you needs to be replaced sooner rather than later. Seeing how there isn't any spare blood on the ship.... and I don't know your blood type.... encouraging your body to up it's own personal blood production is our best bet...." 

She hesitated for a long moment. Staring down at me with those empty eyes. 

"......"

"I know you're conscious. But do you know what I'm saying?" 

I should nod. I know I should. But I couldn't bring myself to do so. Simply staring her down instead. Silently. 

No much of an answer now is it?

Oh that got a deep sigh out of her. 

"Once I take this needle out of it's packaging it's considered contaminated. Not to mention every attempt dulls and possibly even barbs the needle. It would be bad practice to keep reusing it needlessly. I have a limited supply of needles I would rather not waste. Not to mention if you start bleeding out.... from a sudden jolt... or.... fit.... if I'm not able to bandage you up I won't be much help."

"..."

"No.... I wouldn't be much use at all."

The light of screen dancing on her facing at a low angle. Deep shadows forming under her bangs and around her eyes. Her eyes... her dark dark eyes.... looked grey in this light. And the shadow made it hard to even see the white of her eyes. 

She looked ghostly.

I suppose haunting my mind alone wasn't enough. 

"So I'm asking again. Do you know what I'm saying?" 

I froze up again. A hesitation I couldn't shake. But she must have felt something in my demeanor change as a single eyebrow perked up in interest at the sight of me laying there pathetically unable to answer even a simple question. 

"This is the last time I will ask you. Give me a sign. Anything."

Her eyes started to get glossy. I can only assume from tears. It got to stay as an assumption since they never fell. 

"I can not help you if you don't want to be helped. But I also can not risk hurting you more. Please.... let me help you....... do you want to be helped...?" 

Her words struck. I could hear her voice croak as he tried to stay strong. Tried to keep it cold and professional but.... that isn't her. 

My eyelid fluttered suddenly. Eye rolling back as I did so. A clear obvious sign I was listening. I want to listen. I AM listening. I AM LISTENING. 

I am alive

I am alive 

I AM ALIVE 

I WANT TO BE HELPED

There was a pause. A lull in the silence. Her expression softened but I couldn't tell if that was a good or bad thing. 

"Do that again if you meant it." 

Like a dog I obeyed. My eye fluttered once more. 

I can't keep tormenting her. 

"So you'll let me set up an IV?"

I gave one last frantic blink. Good lord I hope she doesn't keep asking. I don't have any more in me. 

I don't know how but I felt exhausted. That sluggish lethargic embracing my entire body. I felt as if I could sink right into this bedframe and become one with it. 

She smiled at me but I felt no peace.

If there was any spit left in my throat I'd be gagging on it. But my mouth was instead uncomfortably dry. 

I didn't feel clean. 

I watched her shadow fiddling with the plastic around the needle she had been holding this entire time. Having been tauntingly waving it overhead whenever she spoke. I don't think she even realized she was doing it. 

Finally the needle was freed. And my time to stall was up.

I felt a sense of acceptance. But it didn't feel like my own. 

I agreed to this. But it felt like I didn't.

But it's the right thing to do....... I think? 

I laid there as she got it all set up. 

I even stayed nice and still and good as her hand met my arm. She must have felt me tense for she made a soothing hush sound. But it was more out of reflex than care. 

The urge to bite came anew. But I was good. I stayed nice and still. At least as still as my frail shaking frame could. 

She couldn't blame me for it. Her own hands were shaking.

But when it came time to insert the needle her hands found a way to still.

Checking and double checking everything was set up properly as her eyes kept straying to my body. 

"You're in rough shape..... but with some fluids in you I'll be slightly less rough. I'll have to do a fully body examination eventually..... but that can wait for tomorrow." 

She pat the top of my head with an empty smile. Pitying the poor sap that I have still not gotten used to becoming. Please I would like to be anything other than useless. 

"Once stabilized we can consider improvement to your quality of life."

HA.... that's one big joke. She'll learn quickly that 'becoming stable' isn't coming anytime soon. But whatever keeps her hopeful...

"But one step at a time. We've done a lot today." 

Another smile but even more strained. She's disappointed I can feel it. 

"Try and get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow-"

I don't know what it was. The moment she started leaving towards that door I felt myself freaking out. I didn't want to mess up but I kicked my leftover legs weakly. Groaning with my empty broken voice which must have terrified her since it made her shake like a leaf. Head snapping in my direction as she rushed back over. 

Just like that.... I was fine again. 

I just.... I can't let her leave.... not when I know what happens when she does....

"..... hey.... hey it's okay...." 

Her hand caressed the side of my face. Holding it tenderly. The texture clearly irked her. Even through her gloves. But she fought a smile through it. 

Her drooping tired eyes side glanced over to the door. A long pause of consideration with her fist clenched to her chest. The other hand tenderly holding it... as if holding herself. She even gnawed at her lip in thought.

"I suppose I can stay if you need constant moderation. I can't risk you accidently tearing it out.... plus.... it is your first day out of the pod.... ha ha oh man silly me! Why was I even considering leaving you alone..." 

Word for word I've heard that all before. The exact same reasoning. The exact same excuse.

But it got us what we both wanted. What we both needed. And what maybe.... doomed us both to begin with. But just like the past I couldn't risk the worst outcome.

She moved away from me for a moment... my eye following her every step...

And then she pulled aside and sat in the very same chair she always sat in for the very first time.

Chapter Text

I didn't sleep. Not a wink. 

Which you think would be easy to do with only one eye.... but the lack of any proper eyelids got in the way of it. 

Tomorrow came sooner than expected.

At least... I had to assume it was tomorrow. The projector next to me was basically a blur of colors.... and the nurse's alarm seemed to have snapped me out of my senseless daze. 

I tried to turn my head with little success. But my peripheral view made up for it. The false sky was blue. 

"Are you awake?" She said through a yawn. Staggering slightly as she went to stand. A stray hand rubbing over her drooping eyes as she forced a smile through her drowsiness. 

I simply stared at her. 

Both physically limited and mentally unsure.

I highly doubt I could answer her even if I wanted too. 

Not that I even wanted too.... this entire situation still made my head spin. Since the crash I swear it has been knocked clean off my shoulders..... am I even awake right now? I don't remember sleeping to begin with... but I suppose that's something people often don't remember.... 

Oh... her hand is by my face now. Hovering a bit away as a single finger stuck out. Swaying side to side. My gaze followed it without even thinking about it. 

With a pleased smile she jotted down something on her clipboard. I think I remember having to do this test before... something to prove I was still conscious I guess... 

"I still have to do that physical evaluation... which I understand can feel....... invasive..."

She shifted uncomfortably where she stood. 

"If don't want to do it today we don't have to.... I wouldn't push it... but without a proper evaluation I'm unable to know what kind of treatment you'll need." 

I already know what treatment I need and I don't want it! I am NOT going through all of that again! But how do I say that? How do I communicate it with no voice???

I raised what was left of my arms and attempted to slam them down in disapproval. I wasn't able to do it very hard... but I felt it expressed my intentions well enough. 

"Woah.... hey hey... it's okay... you're okay.... you're safe.... it's just me.... from last night.... remember? You're not in a pod anymore... you've been rescued....." 

I suppose it didn't express it well enough... maybe turn my head to look away will have better results....?

There was some silence for a moment... and then a deep sigh. 

I felt myself start to shake... the same way I did last night... but I couldn't pinpoint why it was happening now. 

"At the very least let me get you some medication. Once the solution from your cryostasis is flushed out of your system your nervous system will kick back into high gear and... well... I don't need to do an inspection to suspect you aren't fully healed... safe to assume eh?"

She laughed for a moment as if it was funny. A slightly nasally chuckle that was so distinctly.... HER.... 

I couldn't help but nod without even thinking. 

That one little action had her beaming for a second... but she tried dearly (and poorly might I add) to hide it. 

"Yeah.... we wouldn't want that... we wouldn't want that one bit...." 

She chewed her bottom lip for a second before starting to rummage through some drawers. 

I had a feeling I knew where they were stashed away.... but not like I had any way to tell her. Not like she would even know what I was trying to say.... or even believe me at that.... 

Though through the searching I heard... footsteps? And not from the person in the room with me. 

They were distant... and heavy... and swiftly getting closer... I could feel the air in the room getting heavy as I wasn't the only one getting tense. 

"So how is the ship's newest plus one doing?" An upbeat far too chip voice piped up. Wavy blond locks parading into view as he playfully gave the frame of the door a little knock with his knuckles as he entered.

He leaned against the frame as his striking blue eyes locked onto mine. Flashing a smile of pure genuine excitement. 

His energy was contagious if not a tad bit suffocating... but the nurse passed back a meek smile of her own.

"Somehow they survived your roughhousing from last night." 

He rolled his eyes as he leaned back a bit. Bashful and maybe even.... no not MAYBE I know for sure.... a tad bit embarrassed at being called out. 

"I wasn't being THAT rough!"

"They are a critical patient! Anything beyond what is necessary is too rough!" Her voice was playful but I could feel the concern backing it. 

"Well... they're all well and good now... plus I'm not hearing any complaints from the patient!" 

The nurse rolled her eyes with a clearly more strained smile as he gave a nervous laugh. 

"Okay okay... well.... seriously... I was worried.... and I heard you might have been prepping something and wanted to check on you...." 

"Hmmm... what are you doing walking around? Usually you're quite busy in the morning." 

"Well.... shockingly... the intern hasn't broken anything yet... and the geezer training him hasn't found any a reason to complain so far. Plus I was so worried about this whole situation... so I needed a walk to clear my head a bit... I got IMJMY running the front of ship for a bit. He can handle piloting for two seconds. Not like there is anything to really mess up... this ship basically flies itself!" 

It was hard to tell if she was actually listening as she nodded along to his long winded ramble. A style of over explaining that I never realizing how kind of.... overbearing... it was to experience on the other end. Plus I felt both the nurse and I cringe at the mention of HIS name....

"I suppose that is the whole point of having a co-pilot. So you can run off whenever needed...." There was a bit of sharpness to those words but the captain remained naïve of it. 

"Yeah you get it!" He absolutely beamed. Oh gosh little does he god damn know.

"So... I mean... while I'm here... is there anything you need help with?" His eyes wondered over to what she was doing. Gaze scattering over all the drawers she had already searched. 

"Hmmm.... should be fine on my own...." 

He leaned against the doorway again. Watching a bit longer with one foot slightly kicked up as he even more heavily leaned against the metal frame. 

"Yeah yeah I bet.... but hypothetically... what are you looking for.... if I can ask?" 

She sighed a bit as she came across another dead end. 

"Painkillers. Once the solution in their blood flushes out they're going to be in a hell of a lot of pain...." 

"Oh... oh yeah! Cause of the pod thing.... how it works... with.... with the juice! Right?" 

Okay now that made her giggle. I would be laughing too if I could.... but for very different reasons. 

"Yes UYLRC the juice. We can only assume that they were in there for quite a while for all of their blood to be replaced by it so thoroughly. It's why they look so..... lifeless.... we'll know their blood is back to normal once their skin.....flesh?.... takes on a proper rosy appearance."

"Woah! That's really cool.... I never thought about that being a side effect of the pod.... than again... I've never seen it have to be used either... suppose it makes sense it would change your appearance .... at least temporarily ...." 

Now that I think about it... my limbs are looking far less red than they are supposed to. At least from what I can still remember. Turning my head slightly I can see most of my shoulder which has the blush of spoiled meat. 

It was kind of repulsive to look at... what with the boils and peeling skin... some patches far too dry and flakey ... others slimy and wet with ooze.... it made me sick just looking at it. I'd probably end up being sick all over myself if I kept thinking about it too hard.

So I did what I could in the moment.... and simply stared upwards at the empty ceiling. Too bad I couldn't shut out the sounds of their voices. 

Not to mention... my curiosity kept getting the better of me... I couldn't help looking over every now and again... it just felt.... all so unbelievable....

"Would you.... mind if I helped you search? It seems you aren't having much luck... but like... I also... don't want to intrude or anything!" 

"Oh?" She seemed a bit taken aback but not entirely surprised by the offer. "Oh! Yeah yeah... go ahead... gosh where did I put them...." 

.... I know where they are.... I know... I know.... and it's making my skin itch thinking about it.... watching them now both fumbling around like fools. I felt my breath hitching with my heart when they got closer to the spot where the pills were stashed away. Luckily both of them missed it.... but just barely...

At some point the captain had searched everywhere he had access to. Having naturally wondered around the room in a circle as the nurse kept busy behind her desk with all the disorganized mess of jumbled supply boxes. 

And he circled right on over to me... eyes lingering.... an icy chill I did my best to avoid. 

I don't need the sight of some fleshy reflection reminding me of what I've lost.

Not right now. 

When he looked away uncomfortably for a second... despite it being impossible... I wonder... if even briefly.... he felt the same. 

Yet his eyes, despite my best wishes and hopes, descended back onto me. A hand slowly outstretching to encroach upon my personal space. The same way he did with her when he entered this room.... 

His touch was gentle.... yet firm and determined. Grabbing at the edge of my gown...

He's.... he's grabbing me... 

I'm...

He's....

Wait

Why why why 

Hold on... he's....

He's grabbing at the edge of my gown... and I can't do anything. 

I stare up at myself as my heart races so fast it feels as if it's not even there. As if it has gone still.

It might as well have in that moment. 

Why would I do that? What am I doing? What am I looking for....? 

I groan softly as it is the only sound I can make. 

Helpless as the only movement I'm capable of at the moment is a full body tremble. 

Useless useless useless.....

"Hey... NAYA....?"

NO THAT'S NOT HER DON'T SAY THAT IT'S NOT HER IT'S NOT- 

"Did they........ um.... they? .... she....?" A small pause.  "...... they...... come in with a bruise...?" 

NO NO NO NO NO I DIDN'T I DIDN'T IT'S FROM HIM IT'S FROM HIM NOTICE AND REALISE PLEASE IT WAS FROM HIM- 

"What...? UCRLY!!!" 

She rushed over with a vigor rarely seen. Snatching his hand by the wrist and yanking it away from...... me? 

"Don't mess with them like that! You could have seriously hurt them... or worse.... gotten yourself hurt.... you.... you..... they....."

They were both staring at me now. I wish I could just curl up and vanish. 

".... they.... didn't.... attack you....?" 

My heartbeat still hasn't returned to me. 

My gown was pulled up further by much smaller and slower hands. 

It was agonizing. 

"Oh god...." 

She sounded like she was about to puke. I heard a gag as well.... but it wasn't from her. Rather the troublemaker next to her. 

".... I'm sorry AAYN." Another soft gag. "I just wanted to see for myself how bad it was... I couldn't help myself. Morbid curiosity you know? I really meant no harm... "

"...."

"And I was also curious about.... um.... well.... I knew they didn't have the safest removal from the pod... they fell pretty hard and I kept having nightmares on if they got all messed up inside or something because of it. It's not that I don't think you wouldn't have caught it or anything! I... I... I just.... I wanted to see for myself how bad it was.... or if I was just imagining it...."

A deep sigh from them both... but the woman did just slightly chuckle.

"I actually haven't been able to do a physical exam yet. I tired when they first came in... but lets just say it wasn't a very....... pleasant experience.... for either of us."

She hugs herself with a soft sway and hum.

"I barely got the IV in. This morning I tried again but without any luck. They just weren't receptive or willing...."

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she scanned every inch of my partly bare body. Clearly making the most of this moment to soak up every possible detail that might be important to keep note of.

I can't believe I have to go through this again... and again... and again.... but now worse.... now having my own personal living judgement staring me down during such a moment.... I feel so disgusting....

"Gosh.... I.... I can't even begin to imagine where I would even try to put in a catheter...."

I shuddered at the old memory. Oh I really am reliving this hell all over again. Every single shameful part of it.

As she muttered to herself the man beside her simply nodded with a far eyed blank stare. We could have been twins with how his skin went as pale as mine to match.

".... I'm.... normally all for helping... but if you do give that a try... I think I'll be sitting that one out!"

That caused them both to laugh and it was GRATING tearing and shredding on my ears... if I even still had them... might as well simply boil me alive at this rate. Would hurt less. 

"I'm sure I can figure it out....! Though.... they do seem to like you..." 

Like hell I do

"So maybe.... it could be benefitable for you to stop by more often....?" 

A sly little smile oh so tender and shy. Hidden behind one of her hands and she struggled to keep looking over at him.

"Y... yeah! That is a good idea! I mean... if they like me and all!"

Now he turns to me. I don't even attempt to move my gaze anywhere other than upwards.

"How does that sound bud? Maybe I can stop by when I can? If you'd like that....?"

I thought I wanted to die before but gosh does this moment really take the cake.