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Rick didn’t mean for the Horniness Meter to be groundbreaking. He meant it to be a joke. A gag. A funny little gizmo to wave in Morty’s face whenever the kid got too flustered around space vampires or rogue AI waifus. But somehow, like most of Rick’s inventions, it worked. Too well.
It was a sleek, palm-sized device with a comically oversized red needle, labeled from "Lukewarm Libido" to "Holy Shit, Sit on My Face." It beeped. It vibrated. It projected little holographic warning signs that screamed things like, "THIRST DETECTED" or "SEEK IMMEDIATE RELIEF."
Rick spent two days tuning the sensitivity just to watch Jerry trip it every time he looked at a particularly curvaceous fruit. Then he got bored and tossed it onto the workbench next to a half-dissected meeseeks box and a jar labeled "Schrodinger’s Teeth."
Enter Birdperson.
He arrived unannounced, as usual, gliding through the lab with his patented soft solemnity and faint smell of cosmic incense. Rick didn’t look up from his soldering.
"Yo," Rick muttered. "Watch your step. The sentient lube is trying to unionize."
Birdperson nodded as though this was entirely normal. "I have brought you fermented star nectar. I acquired it from a dying moon. It reminded me of you."
Rick finally looked up. "Because I’m intoxicating and potentially explosive?"
"Because you make poor choices under pressure."
Rick snorted. "Charming."
Birdperson noticed the device. "What is this?"
"Oh, that? That’s my latest masterpiece: The Horniness Meter. Patented technology. Calibrated to detect blood flow, pheromonal spikes, ocular dilation, and soul thirst."
Birdperson blinked slowly. "Soul thirst?"
"It’s real. I bottled mine once. Sold it to a tantric warlock."
Birdperson picked up the device.
Rick rolled his eyes. "Go ahead. Point it at me. It’ll call me a depraved narcissist and play Barry White."
Birdperson pointed it at himself.
The needle didn’t just move. It *shattered.*
With a high-pitched whine and a puff of glittery smoke, the Horniness Meter convulsed like a dying Roomba and exploded into three smoldering pieces. The words "PANTY MELTER DETECTED" flashed briefly in the air before disappearing into the void.
Rick stared.
Birdperson calmly set down what remained of the casing. "I believe it is malfunctioning."
Rick cleared his throat. "Right. Yeah. Must be interference. Solar flares. Or your feathers."
"Or perhaps," Birdperson said, taking a step closer, his voice smooth as star silk, "it simply revealed something obvious."
Rick backed up half a step, heart hammering like a glitching portal gun. "I mean, look, it was a gag. Not a diagnostic tool. Let’s not read into it."
Birdperson tilted his head, eyes half-lidded. "You built a device that quantifies desire. Then you aimed it at me."
"You aimed it at *you*," Rick snapped.
"And you have not looked away since."
Rick hated that he was right. Hated that Birdperson could read him like an ancient prophecy. But most of all, he hated how much he didn’t want to stop looking.
"Alright," Rick muttered, voice dropping. "Maybe it wasn’t just a gag. Maybe it’s the most honest thing I’ve built in years."
Birdperson stepped close enough to blur the edges of Rick’s defenses. "Then let me be honest, too. I have not felt this level of hormonal chaos since the mating storms of Vaxlar-9."
"That sounds incredibly unsanitary."
"It was."
Rick laughed. Short. Nervous. Real. "So what, you wanna make out on the lab bench while the Meeseeks cheer us on?"
Birdperson considered. "I would prefer the quiet dignity of your room. But I am not opposed to applause."
And suddenly, Rick was kissing him. Because pretending not to be impressed only worked until your tongue betrayed you. And Rick Sanchez was nothing if not a man who could build a thousand universes, but still fall face-first into one person.
Behind them, the remains of the Horniness Meter sparked sadly.
Then exploded again.
Jerry, passing by the garage, yelped and ran into a wall.
"Ignore him," Rick murmured against Birdperson's lips.
"Always," Birdperson whispered.
And for once, the chaos was a little bit holy.