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Toki observed the cracked ceiling above his head, his hands clasped together over his stomach.
Being away from Mordhaus and at Magnus’ place was nice from time to time. While the obnoxiously noisy upstairs neighbors and the crappy state of the place as a whole could sometimes drive him crazy (it used to be even worse before Toki took it upon himself to help Magnus clean up), he still loved how cozy and small it was, reminiscent of his own bedroom. He felt at home whenever he crashed here for the night, and Magnus was all too happy to let him. Having a friend outside of the band was so rare in the first place, but now that he and Magnus were officially dating, he wanted to make the best of it.
He turned to Magnus lying next to him in bed, one arm folded behind his head and his free hand holding a book in his lap. His half-closed eyes were struggling to stay open for longer than a minute, and his head looked far too heavy to carry for his poor neck. Yet, he persisted, the intrigue of his book seemingly much more interesting than getting some sleep.
Magnus had proved many times that he was a changed man; he had respected Toki’s boundaries since day one, giving him either space or support whenever he needed it, and he was a much more patient and caring person. In short, that was a striking contrast with the person he used to be, and he couldn't have asked for a better partner despite their catastrophic starting point.
Yet, Toki couldn’t help but resent him at times.
He hadn't managed to get over what Magnus had done to him and Abigail. He still woke up at night covered in sweat, flashes of what the older man had done taunting him, the scar in his left side tingling as yet another bitter reminder of what had happened; all the venom-ridden words he had spat out, either projecting his own issues on him or trying to convince him his cowardly bandmates would never come to his rescue. And for a while, he had believed it all.
Buried under the covers, he ran his fingers over his own scar; it had fully healed since then—it had been a while, after all, but he could feel the slight bump on his skin, still a bit sensitive to the touch. He withdrew his hand when he accidentally tickled his side, struggling to muffle a yelp in the process.
Of course, he still loved Magnus—hell, he was head over heels for him and did all the stupid, lovey-dovey shit young couples did. The older man was terribly embarrassed about it, especially when it happened in front of the band, but Toki knew he enjoyed it as well.
…Which hurt just as much. A tiny yet loud part of himself had hoped Magnus would want nothing to do with him so he could at least justify his random outbursts of hatred; so he could pat himself on the back and say ‘ See? What I feel is justified! He’s still awful! ’. But no, of course they had to fall in love and work so well together. That was pathetic.
Magnus must have felt his eyes all over him, eventually, as he turned to him with his brows furrowed.
“You okay?” He asked, and Toki despised the concern seeping through his voice and features, even when he knew it was nothing but genuine.
Toki remained silent and scooted closer to Magnus who just stared at him, waiting for an answer. His unruly hair was cascading over his shoulders and spilling on his torso, giving him a messy look that he just adored. A couple more curls had turned grey over the months, much to Magnus’ dismay, but Toki had always thought it added to his charm. Maybe he was just biased: he’d always had a thing for older men.
When he pushed the blankets away and moved to sit on Magnus’ lap, the latter looked up at him with a lazy smile and left his book on the now empty space next to him. He ran one hand up Toki's thigh, the other on his waist and, despite feeling his touches many times before, usually leaning into them or escalating things, he felt his stomach turn upside down in the most gut-wrenching way possible. As gently as he could manage, he grabbed Magnus’ curious hands and placed them back on either side of him.
“Ams okay. I just…” He drew in a sharp breath. “Don't moves.”
Magnus arched an eyebrow but did as he was told and let Toki do his own thing. From there, he slowly ran his fingers on the side of Magnus’ face, his knuckles lingering on his jaw and the soft facial hair that he hadn't bothered to shave yet. He kept going, almost savoring the way his skin felt against his own, until he reached his throat and wrapped one hand around it.
Magnus didn’t seem to worry, at first; if anything, this kind of gesture from either one of them often led to fun times that let Magnus’ neighbors know what they were up to. He just kept smiling at Toki, amused yet blissfully unaware of his true intentions.
But then, something in him screamed to squeeze harder, for longer; to make his face turn purple and his eyes pop out, to make him suffer and choke.
So, he did just that, adding his second hand to add pressure.
And he squeezed, and squeezed, and wished to hear and feel that frail neck snap. His grasp turned into an iron grip on Magnus’ throat, trying to strangle the life out of him.
Yet, even when it was clear what Toki was attempting to do, Magnus made no effort to stop him. All he did was stare, red-faced and wide-eyed as his smile was long gone, his own hands shaking and fisting the sheets underneath him. Toki could feel his pulse quickening its pace under his own fingers, and he let out a choked noise of pain trying to utter something.
Seeing Magnus so unresponsive made him even angrier. He wanted him to defend himself, to scream and push him away, to cuss at him and bite him back just as hard, to give him a reason to keep going.
He wanted him to hurt as much as he did. He wanted him to squirm and beg for mercy. He wanted him to lose all hopes of being safe again. He wanted him to slip in and out of consciousness, wondering what would happen to him next.
He wanted…
Toki froze and loosened his chokehold.
That's not what I want. That’s not what he deserves.
Snapping out of his trance, Toki released his grip and fell out of Magnus’ lap, as if his skin had scorched his palms. Magnus sat up in bed, coughing and gasping for air, desperate not to die by his lover's hands, and his face gradually lost its crimson color. Toki couldn't bear to look at him anymore and turned his back on him.
He wasn't sure when he had started crying, but he was now full-on bawling his eyes out, almost curled up into a ball and hugging himself. Between uncontrollable sobs, he managed to utter out a ‘I’m sorries’, though he wasn’t sure Magnus could decipher anything he was trying to say.
This kept going on for God knows how long while Magnus was still trying to catch his breath behind him. He heard the sheets ruffling a couple times but didn't dare look back to see the betrayal on his boyfriend's face.
“Toki, what the—” He interrupted himself with another coughing fit.
Toki flinched at the sound of his raspy voice and jumped at the sudden touch of his hand on his shoulder. A well too familiar feeling of nausea overcame him as he tried to get his sobbing under control.
“Shit, man. We need to talk about this.”
“We can’t’s,” Toki muttered, shaking his head.
What was there to be talked about, anyway? Toki didn't understand himself—he didn't understand those outbursts of aggression where all he wanted was to lash out against the whole world, but especially against the people who wronged him. He loved Magnus and all the efforts he had put into changing for the better, so why was it never enough for him? Why couldn’t he just be grateful for what he had?
“C'mon, can you at least look at me?”
Reluctant to do so, Toki still obliged and turned around to face the other man; while he now looked in much better shape, his eyes widened when he noticed the marks he had left on his throat. Magnus followed his gaze and seemed to put the pieces together as he waved his hand dismissively.
“Hey, I've already lost an eye and tried to kill myself. Trust me, I'll be fine with a couple bruises, even from you.”
This did very little to reassure Toki or get a chuckle out of him, and Magnus’ shoulders dropped at this; if anything, Toki felt horrible for him. He needed to reach out to him, to kiss his face and shower him with the love he deserved, but the prospect of hurting him again terrified him.
Tentatively, he reached out for Magnus’ hand and traced random patterns on its back with his thumb. His skin felt much more calloused than his own, and he found himself touching him for longer than he needed to before lacing their fingers together. At least Magnus didn’t push him away or broke contact.
He couldn’t bear keeping all this for himself; he needed to be honest, even if he didn’t understand himself.
“I still hates you,” he blurted out without thinking.
The silence that followed his confession was deafening, and he bit his tongue in a wish that he could take back what he just said. Magnus’ expression was indescribable, but it was one that Toki never wanted to see on his face again.
“It’s fine, I—I’ll leave you alone.”
When Magnus tried putting some distance between them, Toki's heart started racing as he grabbed a handful of his shirt, urging him to stay as close as possible.
“I’m really sorries,” he apologized, and he could feel tears gathering in his eyes again. “I loves you, I—don’t’s leave Toki, please!”
Shame be damned, the pity look Magnus gave him was worth it if it meant they could be together. He seemed to hesitate for a moment (and, frankly, who could blame him?) but eventually relented.
“I’m here, baby. I'm not going anywhere.”
As if to convince him, Magnus opted for a method that he had learned worked best to reassure the young man and opened his arms for a hug. Despite his agitated state, Toki was never one to deny such gestures and dove into the embrace as he let out a sigh of relief.
Fuck, he didn’t deserve him—he deserved none of his kindness and mercy, and yet Magnus was giving it all with no expectations. Toki couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact he got so lucky despite the circumstances.
At some point, Magnus ran his fingers through Toki’s long hair, over and over, slow and tender, and he almost fell asleep against his chest.
“I wants to be with you, but…”
Toki paused, wondering if he could even say that without making Magnus run the other way and vanish from his life. He loved him—he really did, and they both knew that, but their relationship was still new. He wouldn’t have blamed him if he decided to leave over this.
He sighed and looked back up at him.
“I wants to hurts you real bads, too.”
There it was, that sorrow painted all over Magnus’ face that Toki was apprehending. He remained silent for what felt like an eternity, his hand still buried in his hair and playing with it as if to comfort the both of them—and, well, at least it worked on Toki.
“It’s okay… I mean, I can take it if that’s what you need.”
Toki froze and stared at him in disbelief. Magnus must have noticed that wasn't at all what the guitarist was expecting; as soon as he spoke, his own eyes widened, and his mouth went agape, realizing the effect of his own words.
“It ams not what I needs!” He exclaimed. “Are you crazies?”
Magnus opened his mouth to answer but promptly closed it, and Toki was grateful for it; he didn’t think he could handle Magnus enabling his destructive tendencies. He looked up to his neck for the first time this evening, trying to assess the damages he had done, and his stomach squeezed when he noticed the bruises were already turning purple.
As gently as he could to prove he wasn’t a threat anymore, Toki tilted his head up and pressed his lips against Magnus’ throat to kiss the marks he had left on him. He almost burst into tears again when the other man rightfully winced at this gesture but kept going anyway.
“I’m sorries,” he mumbled again for what felt like the umpteenth time, his lips brushing against Magnus’ roughed up skin.
“I know you are.”
Yet it didn't help ease his mind; if anything, Toki felt like Magnus was almost dismissive of it all. As if it didn’t matter—as if he didn’t matter.
When Magnus slowly pulled away from their embrace and tried to get out of bed, Toki’s first reflex was to grab his wrist to get him to stay. His heart missed a beat at the prospect of seeing him walk away, let alone let him walk out of his life. He was willing to beg at his feet if it allowed them to stay together.
“Where are you goings?” He asked and he internally rolled his eyes at how quivery his voice sounded.
“I just need a minute to make a call. I’ll be quick.”
“You don’t’s leave, right?”
Magnus shook his head. “I promise I’m not leaving, Toki. Go to bed, okay? I’ll be back soon.”
Unsure, Toki nodded and felt his heart flutter at the sight of Magnus’ comforting smile. His partner left a gentle peck on his forehead, his lips lingering for a second, before slipping out of bed and heading for the living room.
The silence in the room gave him more dread than he would have liked to admit; he didn’t like being alone in the first place, but he was scared shitless he was going to get dumped after what had happened. He sighed in relief at the sound of Magnus’ voice from the other side of the apartment.
“Hey, it’s Magnus. I need to see you as soon as possible—tomorrow would be best, if you can.” He paused. “Yeah, yeah. Insult me all you fucking want, Nathan, but this isn’t about—”
Toki groaned and fully buried himself under the covers, never to be seen again; he didn't want to hear Magnus talk about what had just happened with Nathan, of all people. He was pretty sure his bandmate remembered well enough that time he had beat some guy to death at a Snakes'N'Barrels concert and didn't need to hear yet another horror story of his guitarist losing his temper over nothing.
He didn't want to think about how much of a monster he was or the possibility of his own family avoiding him because of it.
When he heard footsteps back in the room after what felt like forever, he peeked from under the covers and saw Magnus slipping back in bed with him; the second he was settled, Toki snuggled against him, his face buried into his chest. As a response, his lover wrapped his arms around his shoulders and left another kiss on his temple.
“Are you feeling better?”
“Mhm.” Toki hesitated, biting his bottom lip. “Who dids you calls?”
When Magnus took so long to answer, it did nothing to appease his mind.
“An old friend,” he eventually said.
Well, at least he wasn't lying. Toki looked up at him as tears welled up in his eyes again and dug his shaky fingers into Magnus’ shirt; in response, Magnus tilted his chin and gave him such a gentle kiss that he could almost feel himself melt in his arms. He then bumped their foreheads together and nuzzled their noses, his curls tickling the side of his face.
“Go to sleep, baby. I promise I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
Nodding silently, Toki obliged and laid back against his lover once they both found a comfortable position. The sound of Magnus’ now steady breathing was enough to make his eyelids drop, and the older man kissed his forehead one more time, cupping the back of his head to keep him as close as possible.
“I’m not leaving you, no matter what happens,” he whispered against his ear. “I’ll always have your back, just like you had mine.”