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“JJ.”
JJ looked up in surprise. Emily Prentiss was walking with great determination, breezing her way through the bullpen, fresh from the jet, her face set in an unreadable mask. But what startled JJ most was the tone of Emily’s voice; it was hard - all business; not the soft, friendly tones that Em had used before she left for the case a few days ago.
JJ’s eyes flicked to Tara, and she smiled tightly, knowingly, guessing what had happened. “Emily –“
Emily raised her hand. “Stop. You’re coming with me.”
JJ scoffed, her defences rising, her anger bubbling just beneath the surface. These days, in these past couple of weeks since she lost Will, she realised that without anger, she felt nothing. She felt as dead as her husband. “What?”
Emily’s face didn’t flicker. Right now, she was the boss and not a friend. “You heard me, JJ. You’re coming with me.”
Another scoff. A raised brow. Arms folded across her chest, JJ eyed her friend, daring her to lose it. Itching for a fight. “Are you ordering me?”
“I am.” Emily said simply. “NOW, JJ.”
JJ gritted her teeth, the muscle in her jaw flexing. She hissed “Thanks a lot.” to Tara as they walked past her and headed for the elevator.
“Don’t blame Tara.” Emily warned carefully.
JJ sucked on her cheek, biting back her reply. “So where are we going?” she asked instead.
Emily just sighed and said nothing.
“It’s some big secret huh?”
Emily ignored the question, her own heckles up.
“We playing ‘no talkies’ now? Is that it Emily?”
Again Emily refused to answer, her eyes boring ahead.
“Fine. Be like that.” JJ spat.
They took the elevator down to the parking lot in silence, and JJ followed Emily to her car. “Get in.” Emily ordered.
“Really?” JJ scoffed, receiving only the Deadly Eyebrow Raise in response. She saw the futility in arguing with Emily right now – that damn woman was unshakeable. She slid into the passenger side and slammed the door with enough force to rock the chassis. When Emily joined her, JJ glared at her. “Are you abducting me?”
“If you like.”
“It speaks!” JJ cried, flinging her arms in the air.
Emily sighed heavily and started the engine.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll find out when we get there.”
JJ pouted, her thin fingers tugging at the hem of her sleeve. “Tara told you, huh?”
Emily remained as silent as a statue.
“She told you that I went to Voit. That I grabbed that son of a bitch and told that piece of shit exactly what I thought of him. And you know what, Emily? I’m not sorry I did that. In fact, it made me feel a whole Hell of a lot better.”
“Did it?” Emily glanced across at her friend.
“Yes.” JJ hissed back.
Emily huffed. “I doubt it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re fine, right? Everything is fine.”
JJ laughed flatly at the irony. “Don’t, Emily. Don’t you fucking DARE throw that at me. Not YOU of all people! For Christ’s sake, Emily! After all the times you’ve said ‘I’m fine’ when you so are not.”
“Okay. You’re fine. I believe you.”
JJ shook her head in derision.
“What about Henry? What about Michael?” Emily asked, staring at the road ahead.
JJ looked up in surprise, a little panic filling her heart. “What about them?”
Emily sighed and took a right turn. “Michael. He called Penelope – did you know that?”
JJ stared, slack jawed, at Emly. She frowned, like her brain wasn’t quite able to decipher the words she just heard. “He – what?”
“He called Penelope. Last night. He’s scared, Jayje. He’s scared for you.”
“He called Penelope?” JJ breathed in shock. Her mind was racing, and for the very first time since her whole world came crashing down around her, there was a clear, sharp hole in the fog that had smothered her. Her son was scared.
“He’s just lost his dad, Jayje. He’s scared he’s going to lose his mom too.”
JJ fell silent, still trying to compute this new information.
“According to P, he overheard your mom going on about Roslyn.”
“Oh Jesus.” JJ sighed, massaging the brow of her nose. “My Goddamn mother.”
Emily huffed a laugh. “Hey, I get it – mom’s suck. Believe me, I get it.” Emily slowed the car and pulled to a stop. She turned to look at JJ – her pale skin; the way her clothes hung from her already lean frame; the worry lines etched deep in her features. “Will’s mom is just as bad, huh?”
“Yeah.” JJ nodded, the fight leaving her for now. “You heard her on the day of his Goddamn funeral. Blaming me.”
“I’m sorry, JJ. I’m sorry that you haven’t got the support you need from them.”
“Shit, maybe she’s right to blame me?” JJ whispered, almost to herself.
Emily reached across, grabbing JJ’s wrist, touching her for the first time today. “She is wrong to say that, Jayje. It’s her grief talking.”
JJ nodded, reluctantly grateful for the empathy. And Emily was right, of course she was. JJ had seen grief and the different ways it showed itself – it had been the bulk of her job for years. But it didn’t stop it hurting.
She realised they’d parked and she looked around. When she saw where they were, something inside her snapped. “Fuck, Emily. Really? You’re what, taking me to Will’s grave? What are you going to do, huh? Tell me what he would have wanted for me to do? Going to convey some message from beyond the grave like some hokey medium? Conjure up some magic to help me cope? Is that it?! WELL FUCK YOU, EMILY!”
Emily watched as JJ exited the car and stormed a few feet away, leaving the car door hanging open. Resignedly, Emily got out, closed both doors and approached her friend. “Take another look around, JJ. This isn’t where we buried Will.”
JJ scoffed, her brows furrowed.
“Come with me.” Emily sighed. “Please?”
As they walked, it dawned on JJ where they were. And it was confirmed when Emily stopped in front of a vacant plot.
“This is where they buried me.” she said almost absently.
“Yeah.” JJ nodded, remembering all to clearly those dreadful months.
“This is where my life ended. I never wanted to be buried, you know? But you wanna know something else? I kept the plot.” She barked a humourless laugh and shrugged. “Is that crazy? It was mine, after all, right? This is where my headstone stood. This is where people laid flowers. It is where you guys came to visit me. To cry.”
“It is.” JJ croaked, uncomfortable to be standing at this – at any - graveside. “So why are we here, Em, huh?”
Emily fixed her with a firm gaze. “I’ve tried being gentle. I’ve tried tiptoeing around it. But what you did today – with Voit – that was reckless, Jennifer. That was career ending reckless. And yes, I know, I’m a fine one to talk about recklessness, right? But this here, this grave, it is mine. I wound up dead because I thought I could handle something by myself… and I am watching you do the same thing. You’re shutting us out, JJ. You’re shutting me out. This thing with Voit? You cannot go off half-cocked with that guy, Jayje. I don’t want to have to find a plot for you. I don’t want to have to bury you. I can’t do that. I can’t lose you.”
“You won’t.” JJ protested half-heartedly.
“But that’s what is happening Jayje – we are losing you. YOU are losing you. You are like I was in Paris – a living corpse. You’re working instead of sleeping; instead of eating; instead of living. You have your mom and Will’s mom ferrying the kids to school; making their lunches; being there for them. They lost their dad and they are LOSING YOU too. Why is that, huh? Are you scared? Are you scared to let yourself be their mom? Scared to deal with their grief because it means you have to deal with your own grief?”
“Shut up, Em.” JJ warned, raising a hand.
“No. Are you scared because you couldn’t save Will that it somehow makes you a failure in their eyes? Because that is so wrong, JJ. They love you. They NEED you – and you are their whole world. You would move Heaven and Earth for those boys – I can see it; the team sees it; your boys see it – why can’t you?”
“Stop, Emily.”
Emily stepped closer. “Those boys NEED YOU JJ. They don’t need their grandmas – they need YOU and you are dropping the fucking ball, Jayje.”
“How fucking dare you!” JJ glared at her friend, her teeth grinding together, fists flexed, as she fought to hold it together. “How can you say that? My husband DIED IN MY ARMS Emily – and you tell me I’m dropping the fucking ball??!! Well fuck you.”
“Yeah. Fuck me. Is that your answer, JJ? Is that all you can come up with?” Emily pressed, doing her best to force JJ to feel something. “You’re drowning, JJ. You are letting yourself drown – and I refuse to watch it for another fucking minute.”
“Why is it any of your goddamn business what I do and how I cope?” she said, squaring up to Emily and jabbing a finger at her.
“It is my business because you’re my friend.”
“Well that’s fucking debateable!”
“You’re my friend and I care about you. I love you. You saved my life JJ. I saved yours. We have a bond, and that makes it my goddamn business.”
JJ scoffed and turned away. “I’m leaving.”
Emily stepped in front of her. “I can’t let you do that, JJ.”
“What? Fuck you.”
“Fuck me.”
“Get out of my way!”
“No.”
JJ tried to push past her, but Emily again blocked her way. “MOVE EMILY!”
“No.”
“Goddamn you!” JJ shoved her as hard as she could. Emily staggered back a few paces, but continued to block her.
“Is that all you’ve got Jareau?”
“Fuck you!”
“Say it again.” Emily commanded.
“Fuck you!”
“AGAIN!”
“FUCK. YOU!” JJ screamed, pushing again and then batting a fist against Emily’s chest. “FUCK YOU!” She hit her again, and again, and still Emily stood, stoic, taking each glancing blow. She hit her for Will. For her boys. For being right. For taking it. For not fighting back. “HIT ME BACK!” she yelled, hot tears spurting from her eyes.
“No.”
“DAMN YOU!” JJ was sobbing freely now, each tear burning with fury and grief. “Damn you Elias Voit!” she sobbed, batting a fist as if Emily’s chest were a drum. “Damn you!” Each hit was weaker, more resigned, the weight of BAU Gate mixed in with her grief, her fear, her rage, until she exhaustedly laid her head on Emily’s chest and cried, her fist feebly beating against Emily. “Damn you. Damn you.”
Emily’s arms were around her in an instant. “I’m sorry, JJ. I’m so sorry.” She held her, tightly, and whispered, “Those things I said? I didn’t mean them. I just…I just didn’t know how else to break through.”
JJ gripped Emily’s shirt for all she was worth, her whole body shaking with the force of the sobs. “He’s gone, isn’t he? He’s really gone? He won’t be back for Michael’s birthday…or Thanksgiving, or Christmas or Valentine’s. He won’t cook us dinner or read to the kids. He won’t ever hold me, or kiss me again. I never even got to tell him that I love him. What the fuck am I going to do, Emily? I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
Emily pulled back just enough to be able to look JJ in the eye. She smiled softly and gently wiped the tears as they fell down JJ’s cheeks. “You, Jennifer Jareau, are a kind, beautiful soul. You are so full of love and compassion – and in this job, hanging on to that, is a testament to your character. You are a wonderful mom and the best friend I could ever hope for. You are…God, JJ, you are so damn important. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t let Voit or BAUgate ever make you think otherwise. Don’t throw your career away for them - they aren’t worth it. YOU are worth it.”
“It’ so hard, Emily. It’s hard to even get out of bed in the morning knowing he isn’t there. It’s so hard to be strong for my boys. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.”
“You are, JJ, you are strong enough. And those days when you aren’t? That’s okay. It’s okay to ned help. It’s okay to need support. It’s okay to throw your hands up into the air and say ‘I can’t do this’. I’m no Will, but I’ll protect you, JJ. I’ll always be there for you and the boys – I hope you know that. I’ll be there for you, whenever you need me to be. Whenever it gets too hard. Day or night. Just like always.”
JJ smiled softly, resting her head against Emily’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone to Voit. I might have screwed it all up.”
“Don’t worry about.” Emily assured her.
“I want him to pay.” JJ didn’t ever think she could feel such hatred for one person. She didn’t think that it existed within her… but it did. And it scared her.
“He will.” Emily assured her.
JJ looked up at her. “I need to be a part of it, Emily. I need to be able to play a part in bringing that bastard down.”
Emily nodded. “You will. I promise you.”
JJ scoffed. “Even after what I did?”
Emily gave her a smile. “We could use it, Jayje. If he thinks he’s got to you… if he thinks he has broken you…we can use it. If you’re willing to let him close?”
For the first time, hope crested in JJ’s chest. “Do you have a plan?”
Emily nodded.
“I want to do it.” JJ affirmed.
“Can you feign empathy with him?”
“Yes. Whatever it takes.” She was eager, desperate even. It would be something to focus on; something to live for : bringing that bastard down.
Emily grinned. “Good. Let’s get out of here, huh? You and I have got some living to get back to.”
JJ snagged Emily’s arm. “You’re sure this will work?”
“This guy likes to play people. Let’s see how he likes to be played.”