Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Erik was standing in front of the mirror in his bathroom, his hands rested on the sink. It was three a.m. He shouldn’t be here, but Charles didn’t notice when he left the bedroom. He was tired. Both of them were tired, probably, but Erik had no intention of resting. And even if he had, he doubted he could do it.

He felt a shiver go down his spine. He didn’t give it a second thought. He was just cold, that’s it. And he had a cold, also. The usual. He spend a great part of winter not able to get rid of a persistent sickness. It didn’t matter.

Charles thought otherwise. He kept grumbling something about Erik actually taking time to heal. Charles seemed to live in some alternate reality where Erik could just take as much days off work as he wanted without consequences.

Charles overall seemed to be a bit detached from Erik’s world. The longer they knew each other, though, the easier it was to change subjects and avoid talking about things he didn’t want to talk about. Not that Charles got less persistent; Erik just got better at choosing right words to make his thoughts differ from the original topic. He shouldn’t be doing this. It felt like manipulation. Who was the manipulator here, then? Charles with his love bombing or Erik with his tendency to hide?

He didn’t really have much to hide. In the material and personal sense. Unless it was something he deemed embarrassing or weird, like a broken watch he kept out of sentiment or his habit of humming while cooking.

Not much, though. Not much to hide, not much to show. At the very beginning of their relationship, when it was still just a series of hookups, Charles asked him: “what do you like?” and Erik’s brain short-circuited so badly he replied “sleeping”. Charles laughed and said that this doesn’t count, because it’s the same as if a starving man told him he likes food. Erik managed to come up with some sarcastic reply that made the subject change, but he didn’t stop thinking about it. What does he like?

Sleeping. The answer was still sleeping. He liked it when he was off work and could sleep. He liked it when his body decided to give him a break and stopped aching or rebelling in different ways. It made falling asleep easier.

That wasn’t even the beginning of building a personality.

He decided to take a different turn. What did he like in the past? Maybe ten years ago?

Alright. Back in the day, he liked cooking and baking. He found it relaxing, and it brought him praise from other people. He kind of liked to sing, but he rarely did that – unless he was alone, or very drunk. Despite everything, he still tended to hum to himself in the kitchen, to the point where he had to consciously remind himself not to do that when someone was near. He didn’t like having an audience.

He also enjoyed hiking. He and Magda regularly disappeared from the world for a few days to brave another mountain, at first in Europe, then in the US. They once took the twins when they were three, but they ended up collectively deciding that they’ll wait at least a couple more years to organize another family trip there. It was the last time Erik went hiking.

It was all a decade ago, though. Now he cooked because he had to and bit his cheek until it started bleeding to stop himself from singing. There was no point in doing it and embarrassing himself. The last time he was in the mountains was ages ago, and even if he could go there now, he probably wouldn’t. He was out of shape and definitely wouldn’t enjoy it.

So, he came up with something. Expired interests. Nothing compelling. Nothing that was still relevant.

Erik sighed, staring at his own, tired face in the mirror. Perhaps he should go back to shaving every day, it could make him look younger. Or perhaps he should stop buying food and invest in a plastic surgery instead. That would bring him closer to being in Charles’ league.

It was pathetic. He didn’t have money for that. Nor time. And when he thought about it, he didn’t really want to do that. It would be meaningless anyway.

He sighed again, turning away from the mirror and opting to sit on the floor instead. The tiles were cold, and he knew that his body will hurt if he stays there for long, but he chose to ignore that for now. He just brought his knees to his chest and rested his head on them. He couldn’t bring himself to care.

What does he like?

Nothing, for fuck’s sake. Mr Ridiculous just decided to date him without a reason. Though if Charles was Mr Ridiculous, Erik was Mr Nothing. No money, no interests, no friends, no motivation to give a shit, no looks, no personality, no perspectives, nothing he could give.

Why was Charles still here?

Erik decided to lean his head against the wall, because breathing became a bit harder. Why was Charles in Erik’s bedroom, right next to the bathroom? Ridiculous idiot. Or especially sophisticated manipulator who forgot that there are next steps after love bombing.

It still felt suspicious to him sometimes, and he hated himself for it. Charles was so kind to him and Erik was doubting his intentions in his flares of paranoia. Just calm down. It’s not like Charles had an actual reason to try to scam him. Nothing to steal from him, and even if there was something, Charles could have done it already. Hell, he could have done it the first time they met – mind control Erik into giving him the keys to his flat, read his mind to find out passwords and how much he owns, even wipe his memory so he doesn’t remember having things he would take. Actually, when he thought about it, Charles could have really done it, he just chose to stick around for some reason.

Erik slightly hit the back of his head against the wall. Maybe he was a paranoiac, after all. Or maybe it was the anxiety disorder. He’ll soon lose track of his mental issues if he keeps going like this.

To sum it up, he had nothing to give, and, by god, if he could only just take nothing. If it was still just a series of one-night-stands and not a real relationship, he could do it. Hell, he would even survive Charles paying for him. Sometimes he almost regretted he didn’t push his feelings down; that he confessed instead of choking on the words before they could leave his mouth. He didn’t want Charles to find that out (there were so many things he didn’t want him to learn about, and yet he kept doing it; it was kind of frightening). He didn’t want Charles to think that he regrets meeting him, dating him, knowing him. Erik only regretted his own choices, his own feelings. That he kept using Charles, lying to him – maybe also that he chose to stay regardless, but not Charles. Even if Charles made it hard, sometimes, because he kept giving.

It was terrifying. Nauseating. It was absolutely disgusting, the way Erik reacted to it. Charles made everything so hard. He kept giving, and he kept being near; Erik had less and less opportunities to hide and sob about it. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to be unnoticeable, unproblematic, low-maintenance. Less than a pet. Like a houseplant, and a succulent, not an orchid. If he couldn’t give, he should at least be able not to take. He wanted to stop wanting.

Because, yes – as much as Erik hated this, he wanted it all. He wanted every glance Charles spared him, every word, every hug, every heart emoji Charles sent, every kiss, every flower he was given. He kept longing and longing for it, and for more. He needed to stop, so desperately. He couldn’t get too addicted to this feeling. He couldn’t forget how it is to be alone, because, for fuck’s sake, he’ll end up alone again sooner or later.

He needed to be able to go back to his previous life and not miss this one. He tried to fool himself that this relationship was just him re-charging. It will calm his wretched neediness down, that sick longing for someone to hold him, to kiss him, to talk to him, to see him, and he’ll go the next decade without even interacting with another human being. Except for the customers, though he wouldn’t really count them. He had to calm himself down.

He could do it, to a certain point, with his body. He’s punished it and ignored its needs so many times, he could do it. The mind was a bigger problem. He couldn’t silence it. He couldn’t stop it from longing, and needing, and screaming at him, and making him cry and break down on the bathroom floor.

If he can’t give, and he can’t stop taking, at least let him not be a bother. Let him go back to hugging a too small pillow and biting his hands out of desperation. Let him stop. Let him stop. He had to stop being so much. So demanding. So needy. So annoying. So broken. He had to stop.

Erik briefly considered slamming his head into the wall again, harder this time, but he didn’t want to be too loud. It was the middle of the night, after all. He probably won’t get any sleep, and he was feeling terrible, and he will feel terrible tomorrow. It didn’t matter. He just had to survive until the weekend, so he could neglect his responsibilities and sleep for two days straight. That was a good summary of what his life was about. Surviving and sleeping. And Charles. Now, there was Charles, too.

Erik shivered and decided that it’s time to get up from the floor. His body will ache enough for the next few hours to keep him awake.

He went to the kitchen, his movements slow and stiff. He needed a glass of water. His throat felt like someone was trying to suffocate him, and he could pretend that it wasn’t because he barely stopped himself from crying.

He glanced at the calendar in the poor light seeping through the window before turning his steps back to the bedroom. There was a bottle with pills hidden in the nightstand’s drawer. He hasn’t taken them in two days. Whatever. He forgot. He reasoned it could be a way to save money – the later they run out, the later he has to buy new. It was stupid.

He didn’t even try suppressing a pained grunt when he lied down next to Charles. The man was a rather heavy sleeper, and if something disturbed him enough to wake up, it was usually some mental sensation. Erik could shield his mind. The fact that he often let Charles in there didn’t mean he forgot how to.

It was so warm in the bed, and Erik shivered uncontrollably again. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he shouldn’t be here, so close to Charles. That he should go back to his place on the bathroom floor. He chose to ignore it, snuggling closer, hiding in Charles’ embrace. He wanted that so badly. Maybe he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop.

Let him stop.

★★★★★

Charles stirred in the bed, diving deeper under the covers. He should be getting up soon, but he could stay here for a moment. Or a few moments.

When he stayed in Erik’s flat, he had to wake up earlier than normally, but he didn’t really mind. Erik was just the biggest sweetheart to him when he slept at his place, making him breakfast and everything. He was overall absolutely adorable and very thoughtful, even if he tried to pretend he’s not.

After finally gaining motivation to get up, he made a very simple choice between putting on his own sweater or something Erik’s. Soon he was entering the kitchen wearing a too big turtleneck, smiling at the sight of Erik standing in front of the stove.

Charles walked up to him to wrap his arm around him from behind and kiss his neck. He didn’t try to sneak up to him, and Erik didn’t seem surprised when he touched him, but he didn’t turn to him.

“Good morning, love” he heard, and it made his smile a little wider. He liked mornings with Erik. And middays, and afternoons, and evenings, and nights. He liked being close to him – and making sure that he takes care of himself while he was here. Erik tended to skip meals and do all different kinds of unhealthy things. At least Charles had managed to convince him to quit smoking once again. The results were mildly successful for now, but Erik was trying.

“Mornin~” he muttered. He happily noticed a few bruises on his skin. Even if it meant that Erik will wear a turtleneck for the next few days, they still remained on his body – his neck, collarbones, hips, thighs and stomach. Charles had it memorized. He knew where his love liked to be bitten and marked up the most. “What are you making?”

“Scrambled eggs. If you let me move, I’ll make some for you too” he said with a joking undertone. He thought that Charles will wake up later, so he didn’t start making anything for him.

“That’d be lovely” Charles responded, pressing another kiss to Erik’s skin before letting go of him. Erik quickly put the eggs on a plate, deciding to give the first portion to Charles. The moment he turned to him with the plate in his hand, Charles’ face dropped. Erik cursed himself for not predicting that.

“You look like you haven’t slept” Charles said, slightly concerned. He didn’t take the breakfast from Erik’s hand.

“I have” Erik muttered. Maybe he really had; the two hours he was in bed with Charles he spent in a weird half-conscious state which made them feel both like five minutes and three days. He had to doze off at some point, at least for a few minutes. “Just... a bit poorly”

“Nightmares?” Charles asked, even though it seemed unlikely to him. While asleep, he didn’t control his telepathy nearly as much as when he was awake. He always felt Erik’s distress when he had nightmares, and he didn’t recall sensing it this night.

“No. More like insomnia” Erik lied. He kept lying, and he kept hiding, deceiving Charles that his state is better than it really is.

He slightly moved his hand towards Charles, motioning him to take the plate. The man did it and set it on the table, but immediately went back to the conversation.

“You know I could’ve helped with that too”

Charles had put Erik to sleep with his power before, so he doesn’t toss and turn (and overthink) for hours. If Erik asked, he would have helped.

“It’s not bad. I’m used to it” Erik muttered, dismissing his concern. It wasn’t bad. It was terrible, and he hated it. He hated lying to Charles. He hated that his hiding wasn’t successful enough. That he didn’t think about covering the eye bags with a concealer before Charles woke up. He hated it, he hated it, he hated it. He needed to stop. And if he can’t stop lying, he should stop talking. Stop making problems. Stop bothering everyone around him. (Not a lot people to bother, at least.)

“Still, love, you could’ve told me”

Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic. Erik actually couldn’t handle most social interactions if they weren’t surface-level, meaningless crap. He needed to fake his death and run away to the woods and never talk to anyone again. He should stop answering Charles’ messages and stop meeting with him and disappear from the world entirely.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m fine” he said. He pressed a kiss to Charles’ lips and decided to turn away. Let’s not continue this conversation.

“Your idea of being fine is flawed, darling”

Erik chuckled, not giving away how much he agrees. Let’s not talk about it. Let’s give their issues silent treatment. Let’s ignore them in hope they go away.

Chapter Text

Ticking of the clock was the only noise audible in the bedroom – if you excluded quiet breathing and the hum of metal only Erik could hear. Well, more like feel. Usually it had a soothing effect on him, but now it was overwhelming.

He couldn’t see the clock without his glasses, but he could feel what position it’s hands were in. He should be getting up soon, and since he was already awake, he should be getting up now.

He let out a slow exhale and took an equally slow inhale. Perfectly calm. He should be getting up.

He was laying awake for about an hour now, not moving a muscle. If he wasn’t sleeping, he should be up. Doing something.

Get up.

His heart rate was about as slow as his breathing. He wished he didn’t woke up. Or could fall back asleep. The hands of the clock were moving. Erik’s eyes slowly opened.

Get up.

He should have gotten up an hour ago since he wasn’t sleeping anyway. Why didn’t he? He should have had. Just get up and get to work. He had so many things he needed to do. Why hadn’t he gotten up yet? Do it. Just get up. Get up.

Air slowly entered Erik’s lungs. His throat felt dry, but he couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. And he couldn’t get up. He should be able to get up. He should get up.

Erik couldn’t even reach for the phone laying on a nightstand, but he could use his power to press a button on the side and turn it off. It felt almost painful. Erik knew that hearing the alarm go off would be fifty times more painful.

He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t be unreachable. He should get up or at least reach for the phone and turn the alarm off manually.

Get up. Get up.

All he needed to do is get up. Get up, and that allows you to do everything else. It was almost a ritual at this point: every day Erik wakes up too early and lays still as if he tried to hide. Maybe he did try to hide. Maybe if he does it well enough, he won’t have to get up. Maybe he actually could hide from all his responsibilities and become one with the mattress.

It was so wrong. Every day Erik wakes up, lays still for as long as he can and then gets up when he has to. He always gets up. Maybe the alarm doesn’t ring, and the world is cold, and he lied awake longer than he slept, but he gets up.

It was humiliating. The fact that he needed so much time to mentally prepare himself for just getting up and starting another day. Just humiliating. Nobody does that. Other people don’t need to wait until they have to get out of bed. Other people don’t get up purely because if they don’t they’ll disappoint everyone around them. Humiliating.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

The next breath he took was a little less even. He should have gotten up ten minutes ago. He should just get up. Now. Not in a moment. Not later. Now. All he had to do is get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

Why couldn’t he just get up like a normal person? Why couldn’t he just get his limbs to move, his muscles to work? The next breath he took was faster and sharper. His eyes were dry. Erik wished he felt the anxiety he usually felt in the mornings. It was often the only thing that motivated him to get up: fear. If he doesn’t get up, if he doesn’t go to work, if he gets fired, if he’s useless, he’ll fail everyone. He couldn’t do that. He had to get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get. Up.

God, he was he such a disappointment. Why couldn’t he function like a normal person? All he had to do was get up. Everything was going to be easier once he gets up. And he would do it long time ago if he wasn’t so weak. If he wasn’t so fragile. If he wasn’t one walking failure.

His eyes stung horribly. He could hear Charles’ calm breathing right next to him. One of Charles’ arms was haphazardly thrown around him, and normally Erik would be afraid that Charles would feel the uneven movements of his chest and wake up. Now he couldn’t bring himself to care. He wished he could. All he felt was overwhelming emptiness and weariness, like the void filling him decided to turn into a stone, like all his bones were made out of solid cement, like he was chained to the bed. He just wanted to be able to move. To feel. To finally get up.

Charles should wake up and go away. Erik couldn’t comprehend how did he even find himself in one bed with him. Charles shouldn’t be here. He deserved so much better than Erik. He deserved someone who didn’t struggle to get out of bed every day. Erik wasn’t sure if he wanted Charles to be here.

Erik should have gotten up half an hour ago. So much time wasted. When he gets up, because he has to do so, no matter how much he doesn’t want it, he won’t have time for half of the things he should do. He won’t eat breakfast. He didn’t have time for it. He didn’t want it. He didn’t earn it.

He just had to get up. It wasn’t hard. Matter of fact, it was the simplest thing he had to do today. Just get up. Please, just get up. Just move. Erik felt a tear fall from his eye. Why can’t he just fucking do it? He wished he could be angry at himself for it. He should be. He needed to be furious. He needed the hate to push him out of the bed. He had to get up. Only get up. Everyone does that every day and they’re fine. Why can’t he?

His breath hitched. It was definitely too loud now. God, he just had to get up. Move his hand, lift the duvet, put his legs on the floor and go to do things he should have done forty minutes ago. Time was running too fast, slipping between his fingers. He just had to get up. Just get up. Get up. Get up. Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up get up get up GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP-

Charles stirred beside him. Erik wished it would make him panic enough to get out of the bed and leave, but it didn’t. Charles’ arm disappeared from his body. Erik watched as he rubbed his eyes and let out a grunt. He felt Charles’ telepathic presence in his mind, like a stretching cat that just woke up and was still slightly disorientated. It meant that Charles was able to feel what Erik feels now. Erik could try to prevent it by throwing his mental shields up, but the sheer thought about the effort he would have to put into it made another tear fall from his eye. He didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want Charles here to feel that. He didn’t want to be awake. He didn’t want to get up, but Charles should. If he left Erik alone maybe he would feel enough shame to get out of bed. He had to get out. He didn’t want to.

Charles suddenly felt as if all troubles of the world were on his poor, barely awake shoulders. He took a deeper breath, feeling as if there was a stone crushing his chest. Then he realized that the emotions weren’t his own.

One closed mind later Charles was able to breathe freely again. He turned onto his side, because if those weren’t his feelings, they had to be someone’s.

Erik was still in bed with him, which was an unusual occurrence. Most of the nights they spent together Erik got up while Charles was asleep. That day, though, Charles already knew how he was feeling about getting out of bed.

“Morning, love” Charles muttered, looking at Erik’s blank face and empty, bleary eyes. He wasn’t sure what to do. Erik had moments like that, when he just wanted to curl up on the floor and die, but Charles had been with him only during a few ones, and so far he never woke up to that. It didn’t mean that he was not going to try to help as best as he could. 

He decided that there’s no point in asking Erik how is he feeling when he already knew (and wasn’t sure if Erik would have the strength to respond), so he just started gently projecting his love. Maybe Erik wanted to know it’s still there.

What he felt indicated that he did not want Charles to be here. Charles didn’t really understand why; when he was feeling down, he longed to be with someone else. He was not going to forcefully stay if Erik didn’t want it, though.

“I’m going to dress up and go make breakfast for us. Unless you want me to stay?” he asked – because he already knew what Erik wanted, but Erik might not know that he knows, and if Charles was in his place he would appreciate someone asking.

Erik didn’t respond with words or thoughts; Charles only could feel how badly he wished to be left alone. How badly he didn’t want Charles to be here and see him like that. It made Charles’ heart twist in his chest, because he wanted nothing but to stay and help.

“Okay” he said despite that. “You can reach out with your mind to me if you’ll need anything”

Charles slid from under the duvet and fixed it a bit around Erik. The man didn’t move a muscle, but Charles was pretty sure that he saw a tear fall from the corner of his eye. He had to loosen their mental connection – he was afraid he’ll cry if he keeps feeling Erik’s guilt, shame and the sense of absolute doom.

He kept tabs on everyone as he moved around Erik’s flat. He could sense when Wanda woke up as the first one from the children, and that nothing changed with Erik.

Charles was admittedly not the best cook, but he’s lived alone for long enough to pick up the basis, and he was at Erik’s place often enough for the past few months to know where most of the things was. He ended up telling Erik’s kids that their father doesn’t feel well. Erik didn’t tell them about his issues, and Charles could not do it without his permission.

They left the flat before Charles did. As he always hated getting up early, he avoided scheduling anything before nine (which was far too early anyway). For Erik, though, he could make an exception.

He entered the bedroom, focusing his telepathy on Erik’s mind. There was a moment of recognition there, but then it went back to the earlier state. Including wanting Charles to leave.

Erik was too ashamed of himself to want Charles here. He also felt guilty that his shame wasn’t enough to make him finally get up. He should be more ashamed. He should be more angry at himself. He should just get up. He already wasted so much time. He already forced Charles to take care of things Erik should have taken care of. He used him and probably made him pity him. He should get up and go straight to the window to jump from it. Fourth floor seemed to be high enough.

Charles placed something on the nightstand, but Erik couldn’t be bothered to check what it is. He felt a warm touch on his arm, but he couldn’t be bothered to react.

“I called in sick for you” he said softly. He could feel Erik’s slight – muffled-like – surprise at that. He had to be numb enough to not notice that Charles took his phone. “You don’t have to get up, love. You don’t have to do anything now”

Erik wished it brought him relief. Maybe it did, just a tiny bit, but it didn’t change the fact that he should have gotten up. He should do it anyway. He couldn’t rely on Charles to babysit him. He shouldn’t need that.

Why was Charles even here? Why did he care? What did he want? He shouldn’t bother with being at the side with a man who was nothing but a waste of air. That’s what Erik did: wasted time, wasted other people’s efforts, wasted money for therapy and medicine that didn’t seem to fucking work. The psychiatrist he saw claimed he was depressed, but for fuck’s sake, people have reasons to be depressed. Erik didn’t have any. Most of the days he could force himself to get up and do the things he was supposed to. Sometimes he had moments when he couldn’t, but it were just moments. He should be fine.

If he couldn’t function like a normal human being, he should just fall asleep and not wake up – and it probably wouldn’t be enough for him, because it never was. No matter how much he slept, he always woke up tired. It would be better if he could just cease to exist. Just snap his fingers and be gone. Erik didn’t know if he would find the strength to do it, even if it finally granted him relief. Too lazy to kill himself. He was truly pathetic.

“I would have to go soon” Charles said, his hand still on Erik’s arm. “But I can stay with you if you want me to”

He knew that Erik didn’t, but, just like before, he asked regardless. Erik’s mood didn’t change: he was still feeling empty, too heavy to get up, ashamed of his weakness. Charles didn’t want to leave him.

“Alright” he said despite that. “I put your meds and water on the nightstand. I would love if you took them and tried to eat and drink something”

Charles pressed a kiss to Erik’s temple.

“I love you, sweetheart. Call me if you’ll need anything. Bye” he muttered and walked out of the room. He hoped that leaving Erik alone wasn’t a bad choice.

★★★★★

Charles checked his phone frequently, but Erik didn’t message nor call him. Charles called, and he was met with nothing. He just chewed on his lip and tried not to go insane.

He knew roughly when Erik’s kids came back from school, so he ordered takeout (he didn’t trust himself to cook something edible) and took a cab to Erik’s place. He distracted the kids with a conversation efficiently enough, but for the whole time he just itched to check on Erik.

It looked like the man didn’t leave the bed. Charles’ mind brushed against his – he felt the overwhelming doom and numbness. He wished he wasn’t familiar with those feelings in Erik’s head.

Something changed, though. The shame was still there, but at the back of Erik’s mind, in a way, not in the center. There was a distant longing for something instead.

“Hi, love” Charles said quietly, sitting at the edge of the bed. Erik’s thoughts stirred slightly, but his body didn’t. As far as Charles knew him, he was probably mourning all the things he thinks he should have done/should be doing.

Sometimes Erik just needed reassurance that Charles still loves him, but other times – like now – he also needed someone to be there physically and take care of things that should be done when he doesn’t have the strength to do it himself. Or when Charles managed to convince him that rest is an option and he should choose it once in a while. Charles just wanted Erik to understand that he’s not using him. He would gladly do the dishes or laundry or pick up Wanda from an extracurricular if Erik needed someone to do this for him. He wanted to help. He tried to understand.

There was a distant longing in Erik’s mind, and Charles couldn’t feel any signals telling him to get out.

“Do you want me to stay here for a moment?” he asked, and he got the first words-based message from Erik that day.

Please come closer.

“Okay, love” he said. He lied down next to Erik, and when he didn’t hear nor sense any protest, his arms brought Erik closer. He didn’t hear another words, but he could feel how much Erik hates the silence, how much he despises being alone with his thoughts. So, he started talking.

“Nobody fell asleep on my lecture with the sophomores today” he said. “And that’s honestly an achievement. But Scott and Jean... I think I told you about them someday, brilliant young people, but they keep flirting in my class. And even if they don’t talk out loud, I keep overhearing their mental conversations”

Charles kept talking quietly, keeping tabs on Erik’s mental state – and Erik felt like a knot slowly loosened in his chest, leaving him more room to breathe.

Chapter Text

Erik had forgotten how messy travelling was.

“Pietro, did you pack your meds?” he asked, looking around and trying to locate the boy. It was probably the fiftieth time he asked him about something. Pietro muttered “wait a minute”, unpacked his suitcase in the middle of the room and packed it again, all that in less than five seconds.

“Now I did” he said. Erik shook his head slightly, but a corner of his mouth turned up.

“Did you pack yours, darling?” Charles asked quietly.

“Yeah. You?”

“Yes”

Charles found it a bit funny that all three of them had medications they had to remember about, whether it was for ADHD, anxiety or pain. The reality of it was a bit less funny, but he preferred not to think about it right now.

“Okay” Erik sighed, brushing his hand through his hair. He really has forgotten how stressful travelling was. Especially transcontinental. Especially to meet his family face-to-face for the first time in two years. Especially when he would bring his boyfriend with himself for them to meet.

Charles, who was already a master at recognizing when Erik got anxious, took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“It’s going to be okay, love”

“I know” he muttered. “Just remember: we did not...”

“Met the way we met” Charles finished, rolling his eyes. He found Erik’s insistence that they shouldn’t admit their relationship started as a hookup amusing.

“And also life is perfect and the American dream is real” Erik added. This was the part Charles didn’t really approve of, but if Erik didn’t feel ready to tell his family about his problems, therapy he started and everything else, Charles had to accept his decision. He didn’t want to pressure him into doing anything.

“Well, it is perfect with you” he said, quickly pecking Erik on the lips. There was no point of talking about this – admittedly fragile – subject again.

“Ew” Nina muttered, theatrically turning away from them.

“Didn’t you say we’re going to be late ten minutes ago?” Wanda asked, coming into the room with her suitcase.

“I’ve accepted it already” Erik said. “But we really should be leaving now if we don’t want to watch our plane fly away”

★★★★★

Despite Erik’s pessimism, they arrived at the airport in time. Erik would say that even stressing went more smoothly than he expected. Everything else didn’t go like expected, though, because of Erik’s lovely idiot of a partner, who immediately went towards the VIP launch the moment they entered the airport.

“Where are you going?” Erik asked, confused.

“We’re all going there” Charles replied, turning to him with a smile.

“What? We’re not- ” he began, but Charles’ cheeky smile made a realization hit him. “You did not”

“I did”

“God, Charles” Erik sighed, brushing his hand through his hair probably for the thirtieth time that day. He really loved Charles, but sometimes he did... things like that. “I promise I’ll give you everything back”

Erik didn’t know how much does a first class ticket cost, but he knew the price of an economy one. That alone times four... times eight, because Charles was supposed to buy tickets for both ways... God, Erik shouldn’t have left it to him. He suddenly started feeling unwell, the collar of his polo shirt too tight around his neck. He’ll be paying this off for the next year. Or two.

“No” Charles replied, smiling. Then he turned around and went further towards the lobby.

“What- What do you mean “no”?!” he asked, watching him walk away. Then he realized that he actually should be following him, so he went behind him, uttering “Charles, wait!”. Their suitcases rolled behind him, pulled on an invisible leash of Erik’s power.

★★★★★

Charles flipped a page, eyeing Erik and checking on him mentally. The man fell asleep shortly after departure, and Charles liked to keep tabs on what was going on in his head. Erik happened to have nightmares, and Charles could easily soothe his mind before they even started.

Nina was also asleep, Wanda was doing something on her phone and Pietro was staring out the window, completely disconnected from reality. Charles took a nap and then decided to kill time with reading.

Charles assured Erik that everything will be alright, but truth be told he was nervous himself. From Erik’s stories his family seemed nothing but nice, but that didn’t erase his stress completely. He will probably cover it up with overconfidence like usually.

★★★★★

At the airport in Düsseldorf they were met by a woman. She was tall, but a bit shorter than Erik, had slightly darker hair and the same eyes. Erik smiled when he saw her, but the moment she noticed them and started walking towards them, he muttered “here we go again” in a tired voice.

“Erik!” she called out, waving. She quickly made her way to them and trapped the man in a hug. Erik returned it, trying his hardest to not show how moved he was.

“Okay, damn” she muttered, and Erik immediately knew what she meant.

“Shut up” he whispered. His sister chuckled and broke the hug. Erik saw her raised eyebrow and a quick glance towards Charles before she went to greet his kids. He was aware that his boyfriend being this handsome was unexpected, but for fuck’s sake, she doesn’t have to remind him of that.

“I haven’t seen you guys since you were little babies” she said, crouching to hug Nina. In reality it wasn’t so long since they last met, but Erik too would like if they did it more often. He kept in touch with his family mostly through rushed phone calls these days. This was also how Wanda, Nina and Pietro knew their grandparents and aunt. Erik really wished it could change, but he simply couldn’t afford to visit them a few times a year, and if they decided to go to America they’d have to stay in some hotel; his flat was just too small. Additionally he rarely could get a few days off both jobs to actually spend some time with them.

But now, they will. Ruth, who lived in Dortmund, will stay at their parent’s house for a few days, just like them: it will be packed, and loud, and Ruth will say this is why we see each other once in a blue moon, because being nice to him would give her an aneurysm.

“Hi, I’m Ruth” the woman said, offering her hand to Charles. He felt a pulse of reassurance coming from Erik. He projected a bit of gratitude back.

“Charles Xavier” he introduced himself, shaking her hand. “Erik told me a lot about you”

“Certainly not as much as he told me about you. I can’t get him to talk about anything else for the past few months”

“Alright” Erik cut her off immediately. Ruth knew so many things and wouldn’t hesitate from embarrassing him in so many ways it was terrifying to think about it, let alone let her speak. “I’m sure we’re all tired. You’ll torment Charles tomorrow”

Ruth just laughed and rolled her eyes. Maybe it would be funny for Erik too if he wasn’t so anxious.

“Dad’s waiting outside” she said. “Do you need any help with all that?” she asked, gesturing towards their luggage.

“No, I’ll be fine” he muttered. His power made it very easy to deal with all their suitcases.

You don’t have to do everything alone, Erik – Charles said in his head.

It’s not a problem – Erik replied. He took Charles’ hand. I really am fine, love.

Charles was so insistent Erik asks for help all the time. Erik didn’t see why he should when he could manage on his own.

They ended up in a car with Ruth and Nina (because Erik needed to make sure that Ruth won’t be alone with Charles to tell him about something humiliating). The twins were in the car with their grandfather. Erik spent the ride listening to Ruth’s chatter and staring out the window, watching the buildings they passed. Anticipation, excitement and anxiety all cumulated in his stomach. It felt like he hasn’t been here for a lifetime.

His parents’ current house was not the one Erik and Ruth grew up in. After they both became financially independent, they could support them in moving out of the small, grubby house that made Erik feel like he’s suffocating when he was a teenager. His parents no longer had to count every penny and worry about affording living. They deserved it more than anyone Erik knew. They were always there for him, no matter what he did; when he came out, moved to America, when Magda died. Erik knew they would do anything for their children, but he couldn’t use it. That was one of the reasons why he limited contact with them. The less they knew, the longer he could pretend that everything is alright in his life. He missed them, but it was for the better. He had no intention of ever revealing that he struggled and still struggles. He’s already caused them enough problems when he was a troubled teen, he won’t give them any reasons to worry now.

The moment the car parked, Erik wanted only to jump out of it and run towards the door. Instead he helped Ruth with taking the luggage out of the trunk. As he walked towards the door, he could feel his heart beat faster and faster.

The moment the door opened Erik got pulled into a hug, so familiar and so dearly missed.

“Oh, Erik” Edie said while he tried his hardest to not get lost in the hug. Grown man who missed his mom. Kind of pathetic, really.

Edie broke the hug and immediately started complaining that Erik is still just skin and bones. It was always a great concern of hers, especially when Erik was a teen and seemed to grow a few inches overnight. Ruth laughed at him for that, both back then and now. Erik could allow that - his mother and sister were both speaking German, so Charles didn’t understand anything. That definitely made him feel out of place, though, so Erik grabbed his hand and tugged at it slightly to make him take a step forward.

“Mom, this is Charles” he said, in English this time.

Charles expected a handshake and nothing more, but he got pulled into a hug too. It took him off guard and was pretty short, but strangely warm in a way Charles has never experienced before. Edie Lehnsherr’s mind radiated that warmth, and Charles had a brief thought that maybe this is how a mother should feel like.

“Ah yes, Charles... It’s so good to know that Erik found someone after so many years” she said. Her accent was pretty thick, but Charles understood everything. Still a bit stunned he watched her hug Nina. “And where’s the rest of my grandchildren?”

“With dad” Ruth explained. “They should be here any moment”

“Gut, gut. Come inside, dinner will be ready in a moment... Nina, herzelain, I’ll show you where you’ll sleep. Erik, You can show Charles?”

“Ja, sure” Erik said. He flicked his hand and made their suitcases float so they don’t have to carry them upstairs. His hand instinctively found Charles’ as he led him to the guest bedroom they will occupy for the next few days.

“It’s not the standard you’re used to, but I think you’ll survive” he teased while putting their luggage next to the bed. They’ll unpack later.

“It’s very nice” Charles protested. “Don’t make me look like a snob”

“You are one”

Charles huffed and let go of Erik’s hand to sit on the bed, still focused on the encounter with Edie Lehnsherr. He could sense her mind, radiating like a little sun. Erik’s was similar, in a way – except Erik’s appeared closed off at first, and only shone like that under very specific, stress-free, sedatives- and cuddles-induced circumstances.

“Your mother seems... very kind” he said, not looking at Erik.

“You haven’t even talked to her yet”

“But I’ve felt her mind. It’s... I don’t really know how to describe it, but it’s good. I like her already”

“Well, I’m glad” Erik said, sitting next to him and wrapping one arm around him. “She is kind. And she’s going to love you”

“I hope so” Charles replied, chuckling. Erik kissed his temple and brought him closer. He was sure that his mother will take a liking to Charles. She never said it explicitly, but she always wanted Erik to become someone like Charles: successful, rich, happy, fulfilling his dreams. For the next days Erik will pretend that he’s just as happy and holding everything together in ways unbeknownst to mankind before.

The last thing he needed was for his parents to worry. He was a grown man and already had Charles who knew about his issues. No need to bother anyone else.

Erik sensed some metal get closer, then recognizing the familiar one of Wanda’s bracelet. He looked at Charles and knew that the man can feel the minds he was already acquainted with. It looked like Wanda, Pietro and Erik’s father arrived.

“Let’s go” Erik said. “Mom’s probably going to call us for dinner any moment anyway”

“I’d kill for food now” Charles sighed, standing up.

“You’d kill for food at any given moment”

“This trait is going to be useful once an apocalypse begins” Charles said without missing a beat. Erik just laughed and stood up too, ready to properly introduce him to his family.

★★★★★

“So, how did you two meet?” Ruth asked offhandedly during dinner, and Erik began to internally panic. He has completely forgotten about talking it through with Charles and making up some official version.

“Oh, it’s hilarious, really” Charles said with a smile, projecting don’t worry, love, I’ll handle it at the same time.

That’s what I’m afraid of – Erik projected back, and he saw the corner of Charles’ mouth twitch.

“We met at a bar when Erik spilled a drink all over me”

Erik felt heat on his face, his cheeks turning red from embarrassment while he looked at Charles with a bit of disbelief.

This is how you’re handling it?

I had to improvise! 

“It was an accident” he muttered, deciding to go along since Charles already decided to ruin his life.

I actually do hate you.

“If you say so” Charles said, then turning his head to amused Ruth and continuing as if Erik couldn’t hear him now. “I think he just wanted to flirt, but didn’t know how to”

“Oh, that sounds like something Erik would do” Ruth said, laughing. “Did I tell you about that time when he was twelve and- ”

“Nobody wants to hear that, Ruth” Erik cut her off. He’s not getting any more embarrassed today. Then, he turned back to Charles. “You were the one who started flirting” Erik reminded. “Very poorly at that”

“All metals or just the ferromagnetic ones?” I thought I’ll start laughing right there.

Shut up, I was drunk.

You weren’t even tipsy.

“Well, it worked anyway” Charles said with a smile, leaning a bit towards Erik.

“Somehow it did”

It got slightly better when you stopped getting distracted with my amazing mutation.

I know. I really wanted to have you in my bed that night.

And what did you do when you couldn’t?

Waited until Saturday.

Erik rolled his eyes, but smiled and pressed a quick kiss to Charles’ temple.

★★★★★

Erik walked into the bedroom, seeing Charles laying on the bed and doing something on his laptop. He joined Charles, levitating his glasses onto a nightstand and mentally pushing a feeling of can I? towards him before wrapping his arms around Charles’ waist. The man was laying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, so that way Erik didn’t interrupt whatever the hell he was doing at eleven p.m.

“Will it bother you if I work here?” Charles asked, getting Erik’s attention.

“No” Erik muttered. “Just don’t stay up till two”

It was a habit of his to do so – go to sleep after midnight, get up around midday – when he could. Erik, who was both an insomniac and an early bird (ungodly combination, he hasn’t gotten enough sleep since he was six) could not comprehend that. Frankly speaking, the only person with a pretty normal sleep schedule was Nina, because Wanda seemed to inherit Erik’s trouble with falling asleep and waking up a few times during one night, and Pietro had a hard time dozing off due to his brain being hyperactive.

“Oh, I won’t. I’ll just write a few paragraphs for this article, you know, about the X-gene...”

“Mhm” Erik mumbled, recalling the topic.

“I want to finish it before we go back to states”

So Erik just lied next to him, knowing that he won’t fall asleep for the next hour or so – not because Charles was working, he just couldn’t, for some reason. He listened to the quiet sound of typing in a quite pleasant, not-fully conscious state.

Charles’ few paragraphs seemed to stretch into something more, though, because minutes passed, and he still hasn’t finished. At some point Erik asked him when he’ll do it, and he got an “in a moment, love” as an answer. Half an hour ago. Erik decided that in this case using his power to turn the bedside lamp and the laptop off, and also make it float over onto a shelf, was reasonable.

“Ey” he heard. “I was just about to finish”

“Sure” Erik muttered sleepily. “Now, g’night”

Charles smiled and let out a short, quiet sigh before he lied down, putting his arm around Erik.

Mad? Erik asked.

Not at all.

★★★★★

Erik rapidly sat up, gasping for air. After maybe a few seconds he felt a touch on his arm that made him turn his head towards Charles.

He’s already accepted that his dreams almost always woke Charles up. That didn’t mean he liked it, but he couldn’t really change it.

“You alright, love?” Charles muttered, his voice a bit raspy from sleep.

“Yeah. Just had a really weird dream” he said. Charles leaned against Erik and pressed a chaste kiss to his neck.

“What was it about?”

Erik sighed quietly, his arm bringing Charles close and laying back down. Charles cuddled to him, putting his head on Erik’s chest.

“Promise not to laugh” he said quietly, even though Charles never did.

“You know I could never”

“You laughed when I told you the one about ants”

“You laughed at that one too. I felt allowed to”

Erik chuckled quietly. His dreams changed their nature a bit in the past few months – Erik suspected that it was just a side effect of the medication he was taking. His dreams were now more... absurd, but felt more realistic at the same time. That led to Erik getting scared and waking up in cold sweat after he dreamed that ants ate all purple crayons in his house.

“I had a dream that you were throwing rocks at me” he muttered. “Like, literally. Picked them up from the ground and aimed straight at me. Except they were mostly red. It was just weird as hell”

It was weird, but while Erik was still dreaming it was terrifying. He could feel that Charles hated him. And getting rocks thrown at him hurt.

He didn’t tell Charles about it, though. He just hugged him a bit tighter and placed a kiss in his hair.

“I would never throw anything at you” Charles muttered, already half-asleep.

“You threw a toothbrush at me last week” Erik pointed out.

“But I missed, so it doesn’t count”

Erik just kissed him softly and cautiously pushed a certain feeling towards Charles. It was easier than saying it out loud, at least for him. Charles wordlessly moved from his chest and let Erik curl up in his arms as the little spoon. Erik thought that it was a bit embarrassing, but being held like that made him feel safe.

“Love you” Charles muttered. Erik could feel his lips brush against his skin. He relaxed a bit. It was just a strange dream. Nothing he should worry about now.

★★★★★

Charles was standing next to a kitchen table, leaning on it a bit, talking with Erik and Edie. They were making dinner, and Charles wasn’t really any help, but they didn’t seem to care – they just divided their attention between cooking and chatting. Charles also realized where Erik got his habit of humming while cooking from. It was calm and domestic – that is, until Ruth walked into the kitchen and joined them, and decided to start telling Charles about things from her and Erik’s childhood again.

“Oh, he was disaster in the kitchen too at first” she said when Charles joked about how he turned on a fire alarm because he burned something. “Did I tell you about that time when he was like seven and- ”

“Nobody wants to hear that, Ruth!” Erik interrupted, staring at his sister. She only grinned and continued.

“-and he was trying to- ”

A spoon lifted itself from the counter and started to bang against the closest pot, drowning Ruth’s voice out. Charles looked at Erik and chuckled. Ruth only started speaking louder, so Erik made the spoon hit the pot with more force.

“Sei still!” Edie yelled. Ruth and Erik both turned to her, the spoon slammed against the pot one last time (because Erik had to get the final say). Charles felt his whole body tense, his hands gripping the table top. He was fully prepared for Edie to yell at all three of them now – even though he was just standing there.

Instead Edie laughed and turned her head to Charles with a smile.

“You put them in one room and they start acting like they’re five” she said. Charles laughed nervously and muttered something about how it’s pretty much the same with him and his own sister, but his heart was still in his throat.

Erik woke up in the middle of the night, like he happened to do for no apparent reason. He decided that it’s too hot, so he shifted around a bit, partially uncovering himself. He scooted closer to Charles and put his head on Charles’ chest, meaning to just doze off again.

Something was wrong, though. He could hear Charles’ fast heartbeat and feel the uneven movements of his chest. He lifted his head to look at his face, and was met with open blue eyes.

“Still awake?” he asked quietly, confused.

“Hm, it’s nothing, love” Charles muttered, pressing a kiss to Erik’s forehead. “Go back to sleep”

“D’ I wake you up?”

“No, baby, it’s fine. Sleep” Charles whispered, hugging Erik a bit tighter.

And Erik almost did, laying back down, closing his eyes again. If he hadn’t woken Charles up, though, it meant that he was awake before. Erik wanted to find out why.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, it’s nothing important”

“So there is something”

Charles sighed quietly, his fingers slowly caressing Erik’s back.

“Nothing important” he repeated.

“Tell me anyway”

Charles was silent for a moment, and Erik fought off the urge to fall asleep again entirely.

“Remember when you and your mother were making dinner and Ruth walked in?”

“Yeah”

“And then Edie yelled something at you”

“She just told us to be quiet”

“Maybe I should finally pick up learning German” Charles muttered. For now, he only knew how to say “hi” and one more phrase.

“I can help with that” Erik said. “But what about it?”

Fuck. Charles thought that sleepy Erik will be more easily distracted.

“It just reminded me of something. I kinda thought that she was going to yell at us”

“Why? She’d never. I honestly can’t remember her ever doing that” 

Charles smiled weakly, feeling stinging in his chest. He didn’t know if he was glad that Erik doesn’t have such memories or if he was just... jealous.

It never ended at yelling in his childhood home. It started like that – then came punches, broken dishes from Chinese porcelain, getting thrown onto the ground and told that it’s his place. Sometimes there were visits from doctors who didn’t ask questions, effectively silenced by money.

“Yeah, I know. It just made me freak out a bit. Like I said, nothing important”

“Doesn’t seem like that to me”

Erik got off Charles’ chest, letting him hug him and hide his face in the crook of his neck.

“I basically got over it. Y’know. It just took me off guard”

“It’s alright” Erik said, his arms bringing Charles closer. “Even if you wouldn’t”

Erik slowly felt as Charles’ body untenses in his embrace. Maybe he didn’t grow up rich, but his family was as loving as it could be. He wanted Charles to feel that too. It won’t fix his trauma, but some positive experiences with family life won’t do harm.

“Ich liebe dich, Erik” he said quietly. It never failed to bring a smile to Erik’s face.

“I love you too”

★★★★★

Charles walked down the stairs to the kitchen, not really expecting to find anyone in it. After a few days in Erik’s parents home, he felt comfortable enough to get himself some evening tea. He didn’t think it would happen so quickly, but the atmosphere here differed from the one in his home so much; it was almost frightening and also immensely comforting at the same time.

In spite of his expectations, Erik’s mother was still awake and in the kitchen. That made him a little less sure of himself, but he didn’t resign.

“Good evening” he said, in hope that he doesn’t sound awkward. Edie also greeted him and seemed not to mind that he was making himself tea at ten p.m.

“Do you mind making me too?” he heard. His brain slightly short-circuited before it filtered the accent out and he understood what she meant.

“Yeah. I mean, sure” he muttered. He took two mugs instead of one from the cupboard. A random one and the same one he saw Edie drink from earlier, because maybe it was Important. It was for him: he had a specific mug for drinking tea and another one for coffee, and if someone did it the other way around, he would probably explode. Erik also had his own mug at Charles’ place. And he respected The Mug Rules.

Soon he was sitting at the table, and – oh god – Edie was sitting across him. And Erik won’t come to rescue him, because he was taking a shower at the very moment. But it was fine. He can handle a conversation with his boyfriend’s mother. Unless it takes a very unwanted turn of-

“You see, Erik doesn’t tell me much”

Aaand Charles should start praying.

“I’m not saying he hides something, but it would be good to hear a bit more” she said, looking straight at Charles, who started regretting going here. The tea was not worth it. “He’s my son. I will always worry”

Should he tell Erik where this conversation is going? Should he let him know so he can interrupt them, and so Edie’s curiosity is left unsatisfied and her concern only grows?

“Oh, well, uh” he muttered, very eloquently. “I can’t really speak on Erik’s behalf”

“But surely you know”

Of course Charles knew. What was he supposed to say? Your son is actually depressed and had an anxiety attack while we were planning this visit because he really doesn’t want you to learn about that, hope this helps.

“Yes” he finally said, deciding that half-truth will be the best option. “You know how it is, it could always be better. But Erik is...” he trailed off a bit, searching for the right word. Erik was devoted, and exasperated, and so full of love, and too tired to show it. He would fight tooth and nail to give the world to people he loves, and to avoid accepting help, but that was something to work on. Erik was everything Charles loved and wanted. “...stubborn. And resilient. He always bounces back”

Where are you, love?

Charles almost jumped when he heard the question, distracted by maneuvering between facts to not tell Edie too much.

In the kitchen.

Evening tea?

And a chat with your mother.

Charles could feel the surprise coming from Erik. Not wanting to explain it all to him, he just put the memories from the past few minutes in his head. That way he knew everything – and had very mixed feelings about it.

Thank you. For not telling her.

You should be the one to do so.

Charles didn’t get an answer to that.

Edie looked at him like she knew exactly how much he’s leaving out – but for whatever reason, she didn’t push the topic.

“He is” she agreed. “Always been like that”

★★★★★

Erik stepped out of the house and immediately noticed Ruth. She was standing in the yard under an apple tree, in the shade it gave. He made his way towards her, feeling the familiar smell of cigarettes.

“I thought you quit smoking” he said, standing next to her and leaning on the tree trunk.

“I didn’t. Don’t tell mom”

“Give me one”

Ruth rolled her eyes, but took a cigarette pack out of her pocket and let him take one, then handing him a lighter.

“I thought you quit smoking” she muttered, taking it back. Erik drew on the cigarette before answering.

“I did. Two times” he said, letting the smoke out of his mouth. “Don’t tell Charles”

“Isn’t he, like, a telepath?”

“That doesn’t mean he knows everything”

Ruth was silent for a moment, as if she was weighing her next words.

“You’re sure he doesn’t read your mind?”

“Yes” he replied simply, not really keen on continuing this subject.

“I don’t know if I would be able to stop myself from doing it” she muttered. “Imagine being able to know everything about someone. You would know what they do, if they have secrets from you, if they cheat on you...”

“That sounds like paranoia” he said, looking at her. “I...”

“What are you two doing there?”

They both jumped, startled, and hid the hands with cigarettes behind their backs.

“Nothing. Just talking” Ruth quickly replied, smiling at their mother. She was standing in the doorway and didn’t look like she believed them.

“Come back inside, it’s thirty-six degrees out there” she said and went back to the house, closing the door behind herself. Erik and Ruth let out a synchronic sigh of relief.

“I trust him to not read my mind” Erik continued after a moment of silence. “Telepathy is not all he is. I don’t know if I could resist doing it either, but he can”

“Just spare me from hearing how much you admire him because of that”

Erik chuckled and stumped his cigarette. He really should get back inside, it was hot as hell.

“You’re spared” he said, putting his hands in his pockets and leaving her under the tree.

“You smoked?” Charles asked him immediately after he entered a room.

“Ruth did. I was just standing near” he said, so Charles decided to brush it off.

“You smoked?” Edie asked Ruth immediately after she entered the kitchen.

“Erik did” she said. “I was just standing near”

So Edie decided to brush it off.

★★★★★

Charles looked at his suitcase very intensively, because he decided that looking at his boyfriend hug his parents goodbye would be a bit awkward. They should be leaving soon, but he wasn’t going to rush them.

Erik caught his breath here, lived here much more than in the US. Charles almost regretted they were coming back.

Soon he was holding Erik’s hand, walking towards the launch. Erik was grumbling something about giving him money back again, and there was a bit of shame in him, but Charles kissed him and assured him that it’s completely fine. He won’t let Erik self-loathe over another gift.

“Ready to go back?” he asked.

Erik wondered for a moment, trying to pick the best answer from “I don’t want to”, “maybe” and “not really”.

“I think I am” he finally said. Charles smiled, and Erik smiled too. Maybe he was ready.

Chapter Text

Charles stepped out of the elevator, shaking like a leaf. He hurried to the familiar door, sending a quick mental message.

Open the door, love? I can’t feel my hands.

He sensed slight amusement coming from Erik, but soon the door to their apartment cracked open.

The moment Charles entered the apartment, Erik was right next to him. He took the bag from his frigid hand, set it down and helped the shivering man take his soaked coat off.

“I told you so” he said, looking at the melting snow in Charles’ hair. When Charles went out it was barely snowing; now the world outside was completely white.

“Yeah” Charles mumbled through his chattering teeth.

He was meant to just quickly go and get groceries, and Erik warned him that the weather could get worse.

“It just started snowing” he pointed out when Charles was going out the door, only in a coat. “And it’s getting worse”

“I’ll be fine, love. It’s just a short walk” Charles said dismissively. He was sure that he’ll be fast enough to get back home before it started snowing more profusely.

“At least wear a hat”

“It’ll ruin my hair”

Erik rolled his eyes, sighing. Charles always cared more about the way he looked than wearing clothes appropriate for the weather.

“Just so you know, I won’t hesitate from saying “I told you so””

“Of course, darling” Charles muttered, kissing him on the cheek. Erik did his best to ignore the slight pang of worry he felt while he looked at the door close behind him.

As it turned out, he was right – and he was going to rub it in Charles’ face, but a bit later.

“Go and warm up, love” Erik said, hanging the coat. “And dry your hair. I’ll make you tea”

“Thank you” Charles muttered, quickly rushing to their bedroom to find warmer clothes for himself. Erik took the bag with groceries from the floor and carried it to the kitchen.

He turned the kettle on, making it heat up faster with his power. Erik thought that tea with milk and sugar tastes awful, but Charles liked it like that. Soon he was back in the kitchen, pressing his still shivering body to Erik’s, leaning his cane against the counter and sliding his hands under Erik’s turtleneck.

“Kur- ” Erik began definitely too loudly, but reflected quickly, mindful that Nina was in a room right next to the kitchen “-de”

“Mhm, you’re so warm” Charles muttered, pressing his face into Erik’s shoulder.

“I hope you’re enjoying my suffering” Erik replied, taking his ice-cold hand out and pressing a kiss to it. He lifted a mug from the counter and handed it to Charles.

“Thank you, darling” Charles said, now warming his hands with the mug, but still leaning against Erik.

“Just don’t burn your tongue” Erik reminded, watching him take the first sip.

“Too late” 

Erik chuckled, taking his own mug – with coffee, not tea. His and Charles’ preferences did not match. Throwing insults towards each other’s drinks was the norm.

He noticed that Charles was wearing one of his sweatshirts – old, too big, with too long sleeves. It made Erik feel weird when he first started doing it, certainly a little confused. In his old apartment Charles had a literal walk-in wardrobe and definitely enough of his own clothes – higher quality than Erik’s, that’s for sure. To be honest, everything Charles had seemed to be higher quality than Erik’s. Somehow that knowledge alone made Erik – a man who hasn’t particularly cared about his appearance in years – ashamed of how he dressed.

He didn’t even try wearing Charles’ clothes at first, too embarrassed to ask and even more embarrassed (and anxious) to just do it. Then he managed to accidentally mix up his and Charles’ clothes while dressing up in a hurry after he overslept (for the first time in ages, he overslept instead of waking up too early).

The sweater was probably cashmere or whatever, Erik wasn’t exactly the most knowledgeable about luxurious fabrics. What mattered was that it was soft, comfortable and Charles’. He didn’t seem to mind that Erik borrowed it. Actually, he didn’t even mention that, so Erik assumed that he got lucky and Charles didn’t notice that it’s missing. He probably had like thirty different sweaters, he didn’t need that particular one. At least Erik hoped so.

He didn’t wear it often, just for a few minutes when he felt the need to. That way he didn’t have to bother real Charles, but got a resemblance of him. He was tempted to sleep in that sweater, but he didn’t want to 1. destroy it and 2. make it lose Charles’ smell. Though if someone asked him, he’d immediately find thousand reasons to be allowed to wear only this one thing forever.

Erik was genuinely surprised how much comfort a little thing like a stolen sweater can bring him, how much he will love putting it on and curling up on the bed, hiding his face in the crook of his elbow. It felt almost like Charles was hugging him.

Erik also didn’t anticipate how much guilt this will cause – because that comfort got immediately put on a list of things he didn’t deserve. He quite literally stole it for himself, that fact alone said something.

It has never occurred to him that Charles might find similar comfort in Erik’s clothes until he told him, because Charles’ clothes were Charles’, and Erik’s were... just Erik’s. He swore it makes sense. Erik had to earn comfort, Charles didn’t. Erik didn’t deserve it, Charles did. It just made sense, and Erik could explain it if Charles just fucking listened.

He never did, and back in the day it irritated Erik. Now he was grateful for it.

Charles seated himself on the couch under a blanket, still not warm enough, while Erik could finally start making dinner. At some point Nina joined him, helping him and feeding some scraps to Nettie wandering between their legs. The cat always got exceptionally friendly when she saw that someone cooks/eats. Erik always acted annoyed at it, but he has already grew fond of the animal. Not of cleaning it’s fur from every possible surface, though.

The rest of it, however – living with Charles after a pretty recent decision to move in together, his children accepting it without a huge drama, his current life – was better than he could ever imagine.

★★★★★

Erik slid from under the duvet slowly, ensuring that Charles was still asleep and tucked in.

Theoretically, he could have quit his second job by now. The rent for their current apartment was obviously higher than for his old one, but he only paid a half of it. He argued about this with Charles at first – his sense of guilt told him that he should pay more than a half since he brings three kids with him, but Charles was stubborn, so Erik just had to give up at some point. It allowed him to stop working at the bar, but for some reason he didn’t.

His therapist said that it might be his anxiety. He started a completely new chapter in his life, but new meant unknown, unpredictable, scary. Holding onto that goddamn job was his refusal to flip the page. It was pretty much the only thing that stayed the same in his life after Charles turned everything inside out. Erik supposed that he can agree with her.

She also said that it gave him an opportunity to keep quietly self-destructing by refusing his body the rest it needed. Erik supposed that he can also periodically dislike her when she forms an objectively correct opinion.

Charles moved, a grunt escaping his mouth. Erik decided to take a second look at him – he usually slept like dead, he never noticed when Erik left and came back to bed.

After putting on his glasses, in the poor light seeping through the window Erik saw that Charles’ hair were weirdly sticking to his forehead. He brushed them away and immediately noticed how hot it was. Oh hell.

Erik quickly went to get water, medicine and some cloth to soak in cold water and put on Charles’ forehead. He should’ve told him to take something more than just tea after he came home covered in snow.

“Hey, love” he whispered, crouching next to the bed. Charles turned onto his side, whining. “I need you just for a moment, okay?”

He helped Charles sit up, basically holding him upright and having to put the pills in his mouth. Then he held a glass to his lips and watched Charles drink it all.

“Mh, Erik...” Charles muttered, shivering. “ ’m cold”

“It’s going to be better soon” he whispered. “Let’s get you something not completely wet to wear, okay?”

He lowered Charles onto the bed and took a random t-shirt, then helping him change into it from the one soaked with sweat. He put a cold compress on his forehead and tucked him in. Charles quickly dozed off, so Erik refilled the glass with water, put it on the nightstand and a phone on the pillow, so Charles can easily call him if he needs to.

“You’re going to be fine, love” he said, tucking a strand of Charles’ hair behind his ear.

★★★★★

“Sorry I’m late” Erik said the moment he saw Azazel. It was just a few minutes, but he didn’t like being unpunctual. “I had... an emergency, of sorts”

“Something at your third job?” the man quipped. Erik just rolled his eyes. Azazel always called his home “a third job” since he learned that Erik has three kids, and Erik found it both annoying and just a tiny bit true.

“Yeah” he replied simply. “Do you know when Summers is going to be here?”

“This week, probably” the man said. “What do you need him for?”

Summers was the owner of the bar and their boss, who showed up, well, occasionally.

“I think I’m going to quit”

Azazel let out a low, long whistle.

“Took you long enough. I’ve never seen a temporary job last nine years”

Erik chuckled. When he started working here, he thought that it’s only a temporary solution, and that’s what he told Azazel. Then plans changed a bit, so he stayed.

“Yeah” he muttered. “Probably too long”

★★★★★

Charles stumbled out of the bedroom: pale, disheveled and with heavy eye bags on his face. Erik watched him with concern as he managed to get to the table, sit down on one of the chairs and rest his head on his hand. The cane he haphazardly leaned against his chair fell to the floor making a pretty loud sound, but he didn’t even flinch.

“Is he okay?” Pietro asked, eyeing Charles, and then Erik.

“Mostly” Charles muttered, his voice raspy.

“No, I don’t think so” Erik said, worried. He didn’t expect Charles will actually gain the strength to show up in the kitchen today. “Anything you want for breakfast?”

“Nothing” Charles said in a tired voice. “Just water”

Erik furrowed his eyebrows with worry, but put a glass of water in front of him and pills right next to it.

“Thanks, darling” he mumbled, taking them, though his movements were sluggish. He had decided to try growing his hair out a bit, so now, without an hour spent on styling them, they looked like a bird’s nest. Charles closed his eyes, and Erik wasn’t sure if he won’t doze off at the table.

“Maybe go back to bed, love?” he suggested, eyeing Charles as his eyes fluttered open in confusion.

“Huh? I’m fine”

Erik sighed quietly, putting his mug down on the counter. He came closer to Charles to put his hand on his shoulder. He felt the man shudder slightly as he leaned into the touch.

“Sincerely, love, if you don’t go and lie down right now I am going to strap you to the bed”

“Last time I remember you were the one being strapped” Charles muttered. “And it wasn’t really a threat- ”

“God, shut up!” he heard. He turned his head to see Wanda covering Nina’s ears and Pietro covering his own. Oh, right. He definitely should not have said that. Wanda might kill him – at least that’s what her expression suggested. She slowly took her hands from her sister’s head.

“Why?” Nina asked, visibly confused. Pietro started giggling, but he stopped when he got elbowed by Wanda.

“Wanda, we’ve talked about using physical violence on your siblings” Erik remarked, fighting a smile. “Nina, uh… you know, people with fever say weird things. That’s why they should be in bed. Right, Charles?”

“Right” Charles sighed, defeated. He smiled slightly when Erik kissed his temple, though it didn’t make him look less tired.

Either I see you in the bedroom in two minutes or the strapping stops being a joke, love.

Of course, sweetheart.

Erik felt relieved when Charles decided to actually listen to him. It wasn’t a secret between them that Charles’ self-destructive tendencies were probably as strong as Erik’s – he was just better at managing them.

Shortly after that Erik was back in their bedroom to check on Charles. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed Nettie laying on the bed right next to Charles. Contrary to him Erik thought that the cat should not be allowed there, but they looked so cozy and cute together... Erik supposed that he can pretend that he doesn’t see her. Only this one time.

“How are you really feeling, love?” he asked, sitting at the edge of the bed.

“It’s not that bad” he muttered, but it didn’t ease Erik’s concern in the slightest.

“Do you want me to stay with you today?”

“No, darling, I’ll be fine”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Erik” Charles said, taking his hand and squeezing it reassuringly. “Don’t worry”

“You know I will” he sighed, and Charles smiled.

“I know”

He always thought that it’s adorable how much Erik cared. It was not adorable when it verged on being a symptom of an anxiety disorder, but when it was just healthy concern for a partner, it was sweet.

“Alright” he muttered. “There are leftovers from yesterday in the fridge, reheat them if you get hungry. Just don’t put a fork in the microwave again”

Charles scowled.

“I didn’t put it there on purpose”

“I know” Erik chuckled. He pecked Charles on the forehead and let go of his hand. “Call me if you need anything. I love you”

“Love you too” Charles said, watching Erik walk out of the room.

★★★★★

Erik opened the door and peeked through it. It looked like Charles was asleep, so he slowly walked up to the bed. He picked up a thermometer from the nightstand and brushed Charles’ hair from his forehead. He took his temperature, and Charles’ eyes fluttered open.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Erik said quietly, sitting at the edge of the bed.

“No, I wasn’t- ” he began, but was interrupted by a cough. “wasn’t asleep”

Erik watched him with concern, his eyebrows furrowed. Charles slowly sat up, leaning against him and basically melting into his warm embrace.

“Your fever is lower” he said, rubbing his hand against Charles’ arm. “Are you hungry? We have chicken noodle soup for dinner”

“No, not really” he muttered. Erik felt his stomach squirm with worry – Charles usually didn’t turn down any food, especially made by him.

“We also have an apple pie”

“We do?”

Erik smiled slightly. If Charles still had an appetite for that, it wasn’t horrible. Erik didn’t think his cooking or baking skills were exceptional – he just quickly picked up on people’s preferences. For some reason, it felt like cheating. Charles claimed otherwise. He said Erik had a talent for those things.

“Well, it’s going to be out of the oven in… twenty minutes” he said, glancing at his watch. Not the same one he had a year ago. Charles gave it to him – and unintentionally made his next therapy session focus on the overwhelming guilt Erik felt when he received gifts from him. “Perfect for you to eat a decent dinner before”

Charles let out a quiet whine, his body completely slumping against Erik’s.

“In a moment” he muttered. “Stay with me?”

“I can’t do it for long if you don’t want the pie burned, darling” he said, moving his legs onto the bed and covering them both with a duvet. He could feel a spark of joy coming from Charles when he did it. “But for a few minutes, sure”

Charles cuddled to him, and Erik could feel both his warm forehead and cold nose touching his neck. He wrapped his arms around Charles, holding him close. Charles didn’t keep their minds closely connected – he explained that he didn’t want to accidentally project his symptoms onto Erik.

After a definitely too short time, Erik had to get up. Truly outrageous. How could he do this to Charles?

“You can go with me. And eat something” Erik remarked while Charles did his best to not let go of him.

“If you insist” he muttered. He could feel the relief coming from Erik as he kissed Charles’ temple. “You really worry too much”

“I’ll stop when you start being responsible. For example, when you understand that wearing a hat is more important than how your hair looks”

Charles rolled his eyes at Erik’s tone.

“Smug bastard” he mumbled, snuggling against Erik. Not his fault that the man was warm, contrary to literally everything else.

★★★★★

“Everything hurts” Charles whined. Erik could feel his breath against his skin. After he convinced Charles to eat dinner, they went to lie down again. “I think I’m dying”

“I’m pretty sure you are not” Erik said, his hands slowly rubbing circles on Charles’ back. “I could run a bath for you. Maybe hot water will help?”

“Mhm” Charles mumbled, accepting the idea. He reluctantly let go of Erik and curled up in a ball on the bed.

After some time (during which Charles almost fell asleep) Erik was back in their room.

“Are you still up for the bath?” he asked, seeing that Charles could as well just go to sleep now.

“Yeah” he mumbled, slowly getting out of the bed. God, he was cold, and he felt like someone borrowed his body to run a marathon and returned it sore after it. Erik, the gentleman ever, kept his hand around Charles’ waist on the way to the bathroom, effectively stopping him from walking straight into a wall.

Soon Charles could climb the Mount Everest that the bathtub suddenly was and submerge his rebelling body in hot water. He closed his eyes and let himself feel as the warmth seeps into his bones, allowing him to stop shivering. 

“Are you going to stand here?” he muttered, opening one eye to see Erik still in the bathroom.

“Well, someone has to make sure that you don’t drown” he said, taking the bottle of shampoo in his hand. Charles’ one; half of the bathroom was cluttered with his and Wanda’s things: conditioners, lotions, face masks and such. And Erik, well, he had a shower gel. “Let me wash your hair?” he proposed. Charles agreed, and soon he could feel his lover’s fingers delicately scraping his scalp. This was just how Erik showed his love – took care of people important to him. Charles adored him for that, but sometimes he had to remind him that those acts of service do not measure his worth.

If Charles had to describe how does Erik love, he would say: softly. Erik loved gently, yet desperately – he was so full of feelings he wasn’t able to unleash completely, always silently buzzing with something words couldn’t describe.

Erik preferred actions to words; he quietly did things without stepping into the spotlight. Charles himself has never liked silence, but Erik made it enjoyable. Sometimes he would just sit with Charles as he worked, his arms wrapped around him and his chin rested on Charles’ shoulder. Charles could only feel the hum of his mind. It could be peaceful and balancing on the edge of sleep, or it could be a chaotic cacophony of emotions Erik himself didn’t understand. It could be quiet, resembling calmness, but truly just exasperated.

Regardless of what it was, Charles kept their minds slightly intertwined, his own steady and projecting a mix of feelings that said I’ve got you, my love. Not a single word was spoken, but they both knew what the other felt. Charles learned to love like Erik: softly, quietly.

“If only you could be so gentle with yourself, my love” Charles muttered as Erik blow-dried his hair. He said that he can do it himself, but Erik insisted, pointing out that Charles was half-asleep the whole time.

“What do you mean?” Erik asked, tuning the dryer off.

“You never treat yourself as good as you treat me”

Charles turned his head to look at Erik, who was putting the dryer away and pretending that he doesn’t feel Charles’ eyes on him.

Life was never gentle to Erik, so he treated himself just as it treated him. He still sometimes couldn’t accept when Charles showed him affection, when he tried to take care of him. He didn’t think he deserved it. He was the one who did things for everyone. He saw those acts of love as something he needed to earn.

Charles knew he was working on that. During the year they were dating for Erik has made astonishing progress in his therapy, even though convincing him to go to it was hard. The nights when he cried himself to sleep were much, much rarer, just as the days where only fear of failure made him able to get out of bed. He recognized when an anxiety attack was coming and could ground himself before it got out of hand. He knew what triggered them and tried to avoid it as best as he could.

Bad days still happened. Sometimes Erik still tried to push Charles away, self-destructed. Sometimes he looked at Charles, his eyes completely empty, and told him to leave him alone, so Charles did. He slowly started considering returning to therapy himself, because it was hard on both of them. He tried to support Erik, but when he was met with refusal or when Erik was worse again, he couldn’t help but blame himself.

Overall, it was getting better, though. Erik was getting better, and Charles was both happy and proud to see that.

“Well, you’re the one who always does that” Erik said, because it was true. When he couldn’t – or just didn’t, either out of guilt or lack of motivation – take care of himself, Charles did. It was hard to admit, but slowly he started getting used to having a shoulder to lean on. It was terrifying, depending on somebody to be there for him, but Charles stayed. Charles was on a good path to convince him that he doesn’t need to be afraid.

Erik fixed the robe Charles was wearing a bit, so his shoulder wasn’t bare anymore. Then he pressed a gentle kiss to his head.

“Now go back to bed before you get cold again” 

Charles almost laughed when he heard that. I love you. It meant I love you.

Chapter Text

Erik slowly drifted back to consciousness, welcomed by the warmth of his surroundings. He shifted slightly, realizing that Charles’ arm is wrapped tightly around him. His face was pressed into Erik’s shoulder, so he could feel Charles’ breath on his neck.

Erik moved his hand to glance at his wristwatch. It was almost six, which meant he should be getting up now.

With another move of his hand he made his phone float over to him. He quickly turned off the alarm he had set, hoping that he won’t wake up Charles by trying to get out of his embrace.

Unfortunately the moment he tried to move Charles’ arm to free himself, the man stirred and pressed his body even closer to Erik’s, letting out a quiet grunt. Erik waited a minute or two, laying perfectly still, and tried again. This time Charles turned onto his back, pulling Erik behind him, so now he was laying on top of Charles.

Well aware that he probably couldn’t avoid waking Charles up today, Erik turned to lay onto his stomach. He was certainly more comfortable that way. Both of Charles’ arms were wrapped around him now, and he gave himself another minute to see if Charles was awake already or not.

Erik just hoped that he won’t be particularly annoyed at him for disturbing his sleep. He never was, but the anxiety telling Erik that he will be never left.

“Mornin’, love” Erik heard, the words quiet and a bit slurred. He smiled instinctively, feeling as Charles’ chest rises and falls under his head.

“Morning, schatz” he replied, his voice still raspy from sleep. He felt as Charles moved his head and pressed a kiss to Erik’s hair.

Maybe Erik can lay with him here for another minute. Just one.

Eventually, though, he had to get up. He could stay for longer if they were in Erik’s flat, but – unusually enough – they spent the whole night at Charles’.

He tried to slowly free himself from Charles’ tight hug, but the man didn’t let him.

“What are you doing?” Charles muttered, his hands not leaving Erik’s body.

“Getting up”

Charles let out a short whine.

“Come on, stay”

“Unfortunately, I can’t. Some of us can’t just sleep till midday, darling”

“I need to be at the university at nine” Charles pointed out, his arms pulling Erik closer. “Which means I don’t get up at six like some kind of masochist”

Erik chuckled, but decided to stay. Again, just for a moment. Contrary to the outside, the bed was warm and comfortable. Soft, expensive fabric was surrounding him, Charles’ body was pressed to his. Charles was acting like he actually wanted Erik here, just to lie next to him and cuddle. Erik liked that feeling, and maybe he could indulge in it for a minute or two. Nothing more.

When he tried to stand up, Charles protested again, letting out a disappointed whine.

“You didn’t specify for how long I’m supposed to stay”

“Forever” Charles muttered. “Fuck your job. Become my househusband”

Erik laughed, taking his jeans from a chair. He needed to go home, get ready for the day and most importantly, check whether the secret stash of sweets hidden in one of the cupboards haven’t been discovered by his kids.

“Is that a proposal?” he asked, amused.

“Well, not a proper one” Charles said, watching him as he got dressed. “Are you more of the traditional ring kind of guy or can I propose with something else?”

Erik chuckled, buttoning his shirt up.

“You’re already planning that?”

“Not thoroughly” he muttered “but I know some things. First of all, silver and ruby”

“Huh?”

“Silver suits you. And ruby just feels like your thing”

Erik felt a weird twinge in his chest. The first word he had in mind after hearing “silver and ruby” was expensive, and Charles spoke about it as if it was nothing.

Idiot. Charles was just joking and you’re taking everything too seriously. They’ve been dating for barely a few weeks, of course he was joking. Of course he was joking. Stop fucking panicking.

“Sounds classy” he replied, hiding his anxiety behind sarcasm.

“It would look good on you”

Before Erik could realize it, Charles also got up from the bed. He limped the two steps towards him, not bothering to take his cane. Erik’s arms immediately wrapped around him to steady him, and Charles smiled.

“Are you sure you can’t stay?” he asked, putting his hands on the back of Erik’s neck.

“Yeah” Erik mumbled, looking at his lips.

“Very sure?”

“Super sure”

Charles pulled him a bit closer, their lips meeting for a moment, barely brushing against each other.

“Even for ten minutes?”

Erik pressed a kiss to the corner of Charles’ mouth, his hands bringing his body closer.

“Maybe for ten minutes”

★★★★★

Charles nervously checked whether a box is still in his pocket, probably for the tenth time in the past few minutes. He hoped Erik didn’t notice – he was exceptionally good at picking up physical cues (and even better at misinterpreting them as signs of dislike towards him).

He also hoped that Erik won’t pay close attention to the metal he had in said box. There were plenty of unfamiliar metals around him every day, maybe one more won’t make a difference.

They were walking down a street in Düsseldorf, decorated with numerous lights. Charles absolutely adored places like Christmas markets, so every time they visited Erik’s parents for Hanukkah they went there. Charles bought silly trinkets he’ll never look at again, candles that will burn on his desk “for the aesthetic” while he works and overpriced food, and Erik suffered (he enjoyed trailing behind cheerful Charles, but would never admit to that).

Today, though, Charles was planning on doing something way more important than shopping. His fingers brushed against the material of his coat yet again. The box was, obviously, still there. He didn’t know if that made him feel relieved or even more stressed.

His plan was simple: they go somewhere pretty, he gets down on one knee and tries not to stutter. Though now the market that always looked beautiful seemed not beautiful enough. If he proposes to Erik today (there were a few occasions he wasted already, as he either got too nervous or decided that he can find a better place and time) it needed to be perfect.

“I love this place” Charles sighed, wanting to start a conversation. There was just something so cozy and adorable in the atmosphere here he couldn’t not like it.

“I know, sweetheart. You love a lot of things”

Charles chuckled, squeezing Erik’s hand which he was holding.

“You can’t pretend that you don’t like it too”

“Well, I have to admit that it has a certain charm to it”

Charles smiled, looking at Erik’s face. He always got a bit emotional when he saw him so happy, at peace, enjoying a simple walk together. There were lights reflected in his eyes, his cheeks slightly pink from the cold. In moments like that Charles could only feel one thing: overwhelming, immense love. God, he wished he could just start screaming at the top of his lungs, make the whole world aware of how much his body is full of feelings, how it was buzzing to let them out.

If Charles waits any longer, he might actually explode. It was already perfect. As long as he was with Erik, it was perfect.

Charles rapidly stopped walking, stepping in front of Erik and blocking his way. The man looked at him, slightly confused.

“What is it, love?” he asked. Charles just shoved his cane into Erik’s hands.

“Hold this for me for a moment, will you” he said, then taking one step back.

Charles got down on one knee, a bit unsteadily. Erik’s mouth opened slightly, his hand covering it, as he understood what was happening.

“Erik” he said with a smile, taking something out of his pocket “you probably understand that this is not the most comfortable position for me, but I wanted to do it properly, so I’m not going to drag it out”

“Oh god” Erik choked out, feeling tears in his eyes. “I think I’m going to pass out”

“Don’t, you’ll ruin the moment”

Erik laughed, the first tear escaping his eye. He quickly wiped it, not able to unfix his gaze from Charles. His hand was clenched on the cane so strong he was afraid he might break it.

“Erik, the years we spent together were the happiest years of my life. Every day with you is more beautiful than the previous one. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but you”

Erik had to wipe another tears. God, stop crying. He needed to be able to respond with something other than a sob.

“So, Erik Magnus Lehnsherr” Charles said, his smile growing wider. “Will you marry me?”

Erik did, in fact, let out a sob before properly answering.

“Yes” he said shakily, not even trying to stop a grin that appeared on his face. “God, yes!”

He helped Charles up from the ground, steadying him by wrapping his hand around his waist. Charles took his second one and looked Erik in the eyes – shining with tears just as his own. Then he slid a ring onto Erik’s finger, and pulled him into a passionate kiss before Erik could properly survey it.

They both drew apart, Erik’s hand caressed Charles’ face, wiping the tear from his cheek. Then he eyed the ring he now had on his finger.

“Silver and ruby” he said, looking back at Charles.

“You remember?”

“Of course I do” he chuckled. “I almost had an anxiety attack about it”

“Oh lord, love” Charles muttered. “You didn’t tell me”

“It’s fine, I just panicked back then”

“I’m glad you didn’t panic now”

Charles let out a short laugh, pulling Erik into a kiss again.

★★★★★

They were lying in the bed at night, in Erik’s parents’ guest bedroom, Charles’ head rested on Erik’s chest. Erik was sleepily focused on the hum of one specific metal on his finger, it’s presence alone bringing him joy.

“Love?” Charles whispered. He knew well that Erik wasn’t asleep yet.

“Yeah?”

“What kind of wedding do we want?”

Erik chuckled quietly. He was so absorbed by the fact that Charles had proposed to him he didn’t even think about the most obvious result yet.

“What do you mean?”

“Everything” Charles said, and Erik could feel his excitement through their telepathic connection. “Indoors or outdoors?”

“That depends when it’ll be”

“Summer?”

“We’d boil in suits”

“Spring?” Charles suggested. “Besides, we can wear dresses”

An image of Charles in a wedding dress immediately filled Erik’s mind. God, so gorgeous.

“Then outdoors” he said, pressing a kiss to Charles’ head. “I love you”

Charles moved to kiss Erik on the collarbone, then hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

“I love you too” he muttered into his skin. “And everyone will know this. Get ready for the biggest wedding in the history of United States”

Erik pressed his lips together, his chest suddenly tightening. The thought alone about a wedding made him a bit anxious, but as long as it was just plans and not reality, he could manage. A real ceremony, though, focused on him and Charles, with people looking at him, judging him – it made a wave of heat roll through him and his palms sweat. He never did well with crowds. Especially when that crowd was staring straight at him. He already had a bit of experience from his and Magda’s wedding. It was pretty small, so he went through it with no bigger problems other than his hands trembling for basically the whole day. A big wedding – and big really meant something when said by Charles – would probably go way, way worse for him.

He’ll manage, though. If Charles wanted a big wedding, then Erik can push through it. He could already imagine himself hiding in the bathroom to try to calm down, but he can do it. Powered by alcohol and some kind of sedative, probably.

Or he won’t have to do all of that. It was going to be their wedding, he should have a say in this.

“Mhm” he forced himself to choke out. “Sounds great, but, y’know, I’m not really...” he trailed off.

“Of course, love, I was just joking” Charles said, amusement clear in his voice. “You don’t even like big parties” he pointed out. What was Erik supposed to respond to that? I actually do, I’ve just been lying to you for no reason didn’t seem like an appropriate answer.

“Well, yes” he mumbled. “But if you want a big wedding...”

If it was someone else than Erik, Charles might be tempted to really organize something huge. God, if he could, he would connect to every mind on Earth just to scream: I LOVE ERIK LEHNSHERR! and never explain it to anyone. Erik deserved to be loved out loud. Every time they went somewhere together Charles liked to cling to Erik: wrap a hand around his waist, hold his hand. He wanted everyone to see. That’s my Erik, my brilliant, beautiful, kind, wonderful lover, and he’s mine. Have I mentioned that he’s mine?

But Charles knew Erik; he understood his anxiety and fear. He would never do anything against his will, anything that could harm him.

“It’s supposed to be our celebration” he said. “We can even elope if you want. I’ll be happy as long as you are”

Charles felt as Erik tightened his hug around him. He snuggled closer, pressing a kiss to his neck.

“Maybe not elope” Erik whispered after a moment of silence. “But something small...? Just family”

He didn’t want such a big moment in their lives like wedding to go completely unnoticed. A small ceremony, with people Erik knew and (mostly) liked, would certainly be easier on him.

“It will be perfect” he whispered. “I love you”

“I love you too” Erik said, his racing heart calming down. “And, darling?”

“Yeah?”

“Was the thing about dresses also a joke?”

“Well, yes” Charles said, grinning “But one we can rethink”