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“How do you still do it? How are you able to look our creators in the eyes and not feel rage at their mere presence?”
The jester had been quiet all evening, something clearly weighing on his mind, and yet when asked to share his thoughts, he had simply waved off the offer with an apparent disinterested attitude.
Evidently, the matter had been burdening him more than he was willing to admit even to himself, for the question came quite out of the blue when the topic at hand had been about different tea and coffee blends just a few minutes prior.
However, before the healer could do as much as open his mouth to speak, the question was followed up with another, this one carrying a more sour tone in its words compared to the genuine questioning of the first one.
“How are you able to forgive them, again and again, no matter how much pain and suffering you're put through, how much your friends are put through?”
Suddenly, Shadow Milk was no longer sitting at the other side of his table but rather floating in close proximity to Pure Vanilla’s sitting form, who still held a cup of steaming tea in his hands.
“ Enlighten me, oh Beacon of Truth! What's it that I'm not getting? Hm? What am I missing? What is the piece of the puzzle that even the oh so virtuous Fount, for all his knowledge, couldn't grasp?”
While the timing of the questions had been unexpected, their contents were not, for said topic had been touched upon on multiple occasions in their past hangouts throughout the last couple weeks.
Pure Vanilla still took a few seconds to himself before giving an answer, lightly fidgeting with the porcelain sides of his cup while he thought over his words.
“I do not have an answer for you. For I too carry rage and resentment towards our makers.”
The perplexity on the beast’s face was immediate, followed by a spiteful expression as he moved his hands to and fro as he spoke.
“.. What are you talking about? You're Pure Vanilla Cookie, the compassionate healer who foolishly thought he could tame a Beast of all creatures! Who destroyed his own Souljam to be able to be reborn anew and throw in the face of his predecessor how right the Witches were in their decision to assign him such a grandiose power! All of that, and I'm to believe you're resentful towards those who were so generous with your whole self?”
So much bitterness, both in his words and tone alike as he mockingly made fun of the healer's response.
As if expecting this, Pure Vanilla solely expanded on his statement.
“You ask me how I'm able to forgive, tell me I should feel enraged instead, and yet when I admit of my own anger, my response is suddenly unfathomable given my compassionate nature? You more than anyone should be aware of the feelings I carry from my time in your Spire. I have never claimed to be forgiving of our creators, I simply keep my anger close to my chest.”
As the cookie floating in front of him stayed silent at that, he continued his speech.
“I ask you this then, do you truly not believe in my answer, or is it that you were hoping for an answer to further solidify your stance against me? I did not lie when I told you that you and I are far more similar than you believe.”
Shadow Milk’s response, this time, only took a few seconds of silence, with a mocking laugh followed by a vitriol coated voice, which only grew in volume and disdain the closer the jester got to the King's face.
“So, that's it? You're angry at the Witches and yet still follow the script you've been given by them? Is this another way of spitting in my face your ‘holier than thou’ rhetoric?
That despite your so-called anger you're able to keep your composure and therefore so should have I? Because we're oh so similar?”
Pure Vanilla was no stranger to Shadow Milk’s tendency for confrontation, both his time in the Spire and the fragile peace they found themselves in nowadays had taught him how to deal with the beast’s outbursts and self sabotaging tendencies.
Despite said cookie's enjoyment of sowing discord and mistrust, he found himself constantly testing his relationship with the healer in the only way he knew how, looking for breaches, opportunities, slip-ups, anything that could either confirm his suspicions towards Pure Vanilla having second motives for keeping him around or simply to solidify his disdain towards the ancient who stubbornly would not give up on him.
Disdain that was becoming harder and harder to maintain the longer the two spent time together, but disdain that he desperately clung onto for it being the only logical way he could feel towards the one who stole his Soul Jam.
“The anger you are feeling and aiming at me is not gonna make your hurt any less painful, Shadow Milk Cookie.”
Had it been any other cookie addressing Shadow Milk as if he were a disobedient child throwing a tantrum, they would have been reduced to crumbs and flour before they could as much as glance in his way.
Having it been Pure Vanilla Cookie who spoke, he firmly continued his speech.
“My anger is not more noble or more deserving of attention compared to yours simply because it's quieter.”
If Shadow Milk hadn't been aware of the other's poor eyesight, with the way he was pinned under his gaze, he would've thought the healer able to see through his very matter, picking him apart bit by bit and making him unable to break eye contact with those milky eyes of his.
“From the moment we've been introduced in the Faerie Kingdom, then to the Spire, up to where we're standing now, your anger has been all-consuming, bright, hot and scorching, impossible to avoid. So ingrained in your very being, like a stage light aimed directly over you and demanding attention.”
“So impossible to ignore and yet, the fact that it's been ignored all this time, makes me believe that the world is far more blind than I, in all my barely there and poor eyesight, could ever be.”
Pure Vanilla must have truly been blessed by the witches with the way he was still breathing and living in front of the beast who looked one second away from unleashing the full magnitude of a tidal wave on that whole wretched kingdom.
To drive the very memory of its existence into the ground to the point where Burning Spice would have had to surrender his title as Great Destroyer to Shadow Milk in the wake of nothingness that would have been left after he was done with the Ancients’s kingdom.
It would have taken no more than a snap of his fingers to crumble the cookie in front of him.
And yet, in a show of self control not even the jester knew he possessed, he deemed it enough to grasp the robes of the king, bringing him nose to nose, to the point where the blonde had to stand on the tip of his toes and grab Shadow Milk’s sleeves in an attempt to support his own weight as to not being choked by his own robes, and conjured as much hatred and disgust in his words as he could muster before simply yelling in his face.
“If you're trying to spin this whole thing into a pity party for poor old Shadow Milk Cookie who's been ignored all this time and that' s why he's angry and oh! Of course his anger matters too and if he had been listened to before his fragile innocent Soul Jam got corrupted, then he wouldn't be the monster he is today! Oh if only!"
Letting go of the robes before the other could even process that, he stood upright in front of the healer, who barely managed to catch himself with his forearms on the ground before he could hit his head.
The blonde raised his gaze, staring into the cold and bitter expression the other now held as he looked at him from his advantage point he still wanted the both of them to believe he held.
“Cut the crap Vanilla, I don't need your pity, and I certainly do not need your saviour speech about what you could have done to help me ‘deal with my anger’ in the way you do.”
The air felt thick with energy, heavy and suffocating akin to the moments before a storm hits. As if the earth itself was getting ready for what's about to be unleashed upon its soil, of the damage that's about to go through.
And yet, amongst all these warning signs, Pure Vanilla simply fixed his posture, breathing deeply as he ran his hand over wrinkled robes, before locking eyes once more with the storm-to-be in front of him.
Keeping his gaze firm and collected, without the shadow of a challenge in his eyes, he began speaking, making sure the beast's full attention was on him.
“You speak of me pitying you, I have not said that. I'm aware enough of your actions being fully your own to know that you don't need pity for them.
I have felt the consequences of your manipulation on my own skin, and so have my friends. So, no, Shadow Milk Cookie, I do not pity you for what you have chosen to make of your existence, for the hurt you've caused me, my friends, and countless others.”
He raised to his feet before continuing, lifting his head slightly so he was face-to-face with the cookie floating in front of him.
“I cannot pity you for that, but that doesn't mean that I do not rage for you, for the circumstances that you felt left you with no other choice than to take matters in your own hands. And while I can't agree with those choices, I'm able to recognize that had my circumstances been the same as yours, I can't say I would've had different choices to pick from, myself.”
By the time his words registered in the other’s mind, the jester was doubling over in a fit of giggles. Now floating by circling around him while he held his stomach in absolute hysterics as he went over what the ancient had told him.
“Nilla you're absolutely killing me here. Do you hear yourself? Claiming to rage for me ? Me!
Me, who has tortured you till you reached your breaking point! Who made you doubt your entire existence! Your life! Tainted your precious truth and made your will falter over and over again!
And yet you say that you're angry? On my behalf ? Oh you're even far more gone than I could ever anticipate, that's a sight to behold!”
Needless to say, the absurdity of the claim had made Shadow Milk almost forget the anger he felt at the king's initial affront, with his words taking on a more jesting tone in response, albeit still a mocking one, as he continued to go over Pure Vanilla's statements.
“‘Had your circumstances been different!’ Your circumstances, need I remind you, wouldn't have presented themselves in the first place if it weren't for me! Or did you forget that you reached your lowest point by my hand, that I was what caused you to break, over and over again! Don't make me laugh, not even you are that foolish to take on my defense.”
Pure Vanilla's stance did not falter as he followed the jester’s circling of him, keeping his gaze firm on the other's face and speaking with the same conviction he was determined to show the other he meant.
“You say that, and yet you did not create my anger. You did not create the doubt, the resentment and shame that brought me to my lowest point. You have had a hand in enhancing them, you preyed on them and exploited my insecurities, you cruelly took advantage of pain that was already there, but you've said it yourself, the most effective lies are the ones that hold a sliver of truth in them.”
“You did not create the Truthless Recluse, you brought to light parts of me that already existed, and that had it not been for you, they would have stayed buried and would have kept festering for witches know how long.
You toyed with my mind, my memories and my life, and that's something I cannot forget or dismiss. Nor can I forgive you for the pain you put me through, and that's not mentioning the pain you put others through.”
By now, the beast had fully stopped circling the ancient, attention solely on him, who was far from done speaking and as more and more confusion started to show on the jester's face, Pure Vanilla took a step forward, grabbing the puffy sleeves of Shadow Milk's clothing and made sure the other couldn't run from the conversation, all while keeping his gaze, poor as it was, on the beast's face.
“You saw me at my worst, stripped naked of all my beliefs, my convictions, my truths, and still you wanted me at your side. When all was said and done, when you had my Soul Jam, all my power, you still wanted me by your side.
“Because who could understand what you had been through if not the one who held the other half of your Soul Jam? Who could validate your anger, your pains? Who could feel such intensity if not the part of your soul that had been so viciously taken from you without a second thought.”
The healer's gaze on him felt piercing. Shadow Milk could feel his dough burn where the other had grabbed him, despite his sleeve covering his arm and there not being any direct contact, the mere presence of his hold was enough to keep the beast still. And Pure Vanilla just. Kept. Talking.
“Yes your anger and pain deserved to be listened to before you took it out on the world, yes you're still responsible for all the pain and suffering you caused, but had our creators not failed you, had they faced the consequences of their choices and actions instead of locking you all away just to throw away the key and start anew with fresh dough, then maybe, maybe all this suffering and this pain and these losses could've been prevented!”
“Your anger wasn't dignified with a response when you asked kindly, when you begged, when you looked for answers in the only way you knew how, when your knowledge was all you were, all you were allowed to be and it still wasn't enough in their eyes to grant you the shadow of an acknowledgement.”
Little by little, Shadow Milk's feet touched the ground, becoming the one who had to lift his head to keep their gazes locked once his feet were fully on the ground.
At that, Pure Vanilla's grip on him only solidified, both hands now resting on his wrists, just shy of holding his hands.
But as firm as his grip was, it didn't actually restrain or bind him. For as long as his hands have been on Shadow Milk's body, they were never able to realistically hold him in place.
His grip was solid and weighted against him but in the same way a warm cape weighs and shelters on a cold winter night, solid in the way the ground promises to be when you trust it to support a house, a town, a kingdom.
It wasn't the weight of chains restraining him, it wasn't the solidness of the walls keeping him trapped in that forsaken tree.
It wasn't punishment. It was a promise.
A promise that was sworn on again and again the more Pure Vanilla talked.
“So, yes, Shadow Milk Cookie. I rage for you because the difference between me and you is that my anger was listened to, because you were the one who helped give it a voice and allowed me to come to terms with it. I rage because despite my anger, my mistakes and my regrets, I was granted a second chance. I was granted a second chance when I couldn't heal everyone, when I couldn't stop the war, when I couldn't protect my people and they were forced to flee or crumble trying.”
“Mistakes and choices from the past follow you as much as they follow me and every single bearer of the Soul Jams. And yet I was granted and granted and granted- granted lifetimes to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to do better, I was granted a life of my own before the Light of Truth was bestowed upon me.”
A single breath, taken to steady himself, and still he talked.
“My anger isn't more pure nor more noble or fairer than yours, the difference between you and me is that I was granted another chance in spite of my rage, and you were punished for showing it. Locking you in that tree did nothing to fix the damage and suffering you had caused, our creators had let you get that far to begin with. And instead of doing something, anything to prevent it or at very least minimize it, they let you all dig your own graves and once they decided it was enough, simply locked you somewhere where they didn't have to witness the consequences of their mistakes.”
One hand left the jester's wrist to grasp at the healer's own Soul Jam. Hold so tight it would've shattered like sugar glass had it been made of anything but pure magic.
As his grip on the artifact strained, so did his voice.
“Part of your power and soul was granted a second chance through me. I was expected to be the better version of someone who was never even granted the chance to try and be better.”
“I rage because I know that if I am here now, it's because you weren't given help when you needed it. I rage because I know that no matter how much good I can do, how many lives I save, how many wounds I heal. It can never make up for the fact that someone had to needlessly suffer, for me to have been granted with the power to do so.”
Silent stretched on after that.
Not heavy nor as charged as it was before. But words still hung in the air, taking their time to settle between the two.
The snort that breached the quiet was as uncalled for as it was refreshing.
“Had I known before how much you actually hate yourself, it would've taken me far less time and energy than what it did to corrupt you in the Spire.”
Pure Vanilla barely had time to register the jab aimed at his mental state that the other had already taken control of the conversation.
“For someone who holds the light of Truth, you lie to yourself a surprising amount.”
“Shadow Milk-”
Whatever rebuttal Pure Vanilla expected from the jester, a boop to his nose as a way to quiet him, was decidedly not it.
It was, however, very effective.
“I know you mean it. Even I am not that big of a liar to be able to think that you're telling anything but the truth. It's just. Silly.”
The touches to Pure Vanilla’s face continued as he spoke, both of Shadow Milk’s hands had now cupped the king’s face and were squishing at the dough of his cheeks.
“You're still the silliest thing I've ever laid my eyes on, even after all this time.”
The beast's words were surprisingly fond, all fight having been knocked out of him by then, his only interest seeming to be playing with the healer's face, taking particular joy in making the other's pout at him as his cheeks got squished.
“Look at you, getting all emotional over little old me, confessing frankly blasphemous thoughts about our creators, all for me? Flattery will get you everywhere Nilly.”
Pure Vanilla had just enough time to register the changes in touch as one of the hands went to pinch his cheek. It wasn't hard enough to be painful, but it got his attention nonetheless.
Shadow Milk’s next words took on a more serious tone as they accompanied the childish scolding gesture.
“But come on, give yourself some credit. As much as I'd love to take on the merit of why you're here, that would just be far too easy to do.”
“You're here, because you're the most foolishly stubborn cookie I've ever met.”
The blonde man didn't know whether to take the backhanded compliment as it was given or to be pettily offended by it. He wasn't given the chance to choose, as Shadow Milk clearly wasn't done with talking.
“You yourself said that you had a life before receiving the Soul Jam, you think that was by chance?”
“That power is not the reason why you're standing here right now. That was merely a stepping stool you were oh so graciously granted.
You mean to tell me that if it weren't for that stone, you wouldn't have accomplished a thing?
Puh-lease, that's simply ridiculous, not to mention, false!”
Ancient and beast locked gaze once more, Pure Vanilla's hands now holding Shadow Milk's wrists as the latter was back to holding his face in his hands.
“I want you to look at me and tell me that I'm wrong. Tell me that the only reason why you studied so much, why you traveled, why you helped every single foolish cookie that crossed your path, the reason why you fought for so long, why you continue to fight, why you'd rather crumble over and over before admitting defeat and giving up. Tell me that the real reason why you do all of this is simply because you've been given the Soul Jam.”
“Because, I don't believe that.”
It was a miracle how Shadow Milk's soul hadn't left his own body by now with how honest and earnest the cookie was being with his words.
And yet, surprisingly, there seemed to be more where that had come from.
“I refuse to believe that the cookie who offered me his friendship, the same cookie who's so foolishly certain that a beast can change, wouldn't have done the same even if he was no more than a powerless mortal fool.”
The two were almost nose to nose by now, with Shadow Milk refusing to let go of Pure Vanilla's face, tilting it upwards so the healer's eyes were still on him as he was pretty much laying on the space between the two as if he was comfortably on a bed with Pure Vanilla still on the ground.
“Go on. Tell me you wouldn't have spent every second of your mortal life trying to get to where you are right now if you didn't have your Soul Jam.”
Shadow Milk could have hung every star in the sky with the way the ancient was looking at him. And for all he knew, that could very well have been the case.
“Look at you, speechless! Who knew it took so little to get you to finally listen to who's clearly far more knowledgeable than you could ever be.”
With a final pinch to one of his cheeks, Pure Vanilla's face was set free from those clawed hands, which went back to motioning praising gestures towards their owner as he continued his speech about his own grandeur.
“You have far better uses for your pretty little head that don't involve you driving yourself mad, after all, that's what I'm here for, silly! Where's the fun in coming up with ways to make you lose your mind if you've already done all the work for me? Boooring. Leave some fun for the rest of us Nilly, I thought your winged friend was supposed to be the greedy one?”
As the beast talked, Pure Vanilla took the man's hands in his own, keeping the other anchored to him instead of levitating fully out of reach.
Albeit tired, his smile had mirth in it as he responded to the teasing.
“Ah, so I'm not allowed to desire something for myself? Maybe I have fun driving myself mad, ever thought of that?”
Once again, Shadow Milk was the one who got closer first, freeing one of his hands to playfully cover his mouth in shock as he spoke.
“Ohh some secret perverted fantasy of yours only I'm privy to? Why, you're making me blush over here!”
To emphasize his words even more, the jester used his free hand to fan himself, going as far as to lay the back of it on his forehead to swoon over the healer.
“There are many thoughts of mine only you are privy to, Shadow Milk Cookie. Selfishly, I hope that's true the other way around too.”
For all the jesting and dramatics Shadow Milk was playing up on to keep the conversation’s tone on his terms, Pure Vanilla's heartfelt words were almost enough to make him lose composure. Almost.
“Greedy and jealous? Oh your subjects would just about exile you if only they knew.”
With the hand that was still in the other's grasp, Shadow Milk was brought even closer to the blond man, who placed the jester's hand on one of his shoulders as both of his settled on the other's waist, finally bringing the rest of him close to himself as well.
“Would I be welcome at your Spire were that the case?”
Shadow Milk's free hand went to play with the hem of the king's robe, his gaze fixated on the clothing’s craftsmanship to avoid having to look at the other in his eyes, who no doubt, had a stupidly fond expression on his face upon realizing that the jester wouldn't be pulling away from his touch.
“Don't ask questions you already know the answer to, Nilla, it's rude wanting me to say it out loud.”
With the softest laugh Shadow Milk had ever heard aimed at himself, the healer simply began to rub comforting circles into his sides, his hold going back to that steady promise that was carried throughout the whole conversation.
“My apologies. I'll be more mindful the next time I ask. Regardless, thank you.”
That's what got Shadow Milk to finally look at the king in the eyes, genuine confusion over the ridiculousness of that whole scenario.
“What? For telling you you can crash at my place if you ever get kicked out? As if that would ever happen.”
Another soft chuckle, another breath stuck in Shadow Milk's throat at its sound.
“No, silly. Well, that too, but I was thanking you for thinking of me in such a way.”
Determined to not look away from Pure Vanilla's stupidly soft gaze, Shadow Milk responded with an indisputable tone.
“Pfft, I don't think so, I know so, all that knowledge doesn't just disappear you know?”
An affirmative hum was all the response he got to that before Pure Vanilla continued his train of thought.
“I know that's true for you also.”
The ancient seemed determined to catch the other off guard as many times as he could that night, evidently to get back for how many times he was made speechless himself during that whole ordeal.
“What?”
For all his showmanship and claims for attention, the Master of Deceit was far too easily disarmed by earnest sincerity aimed at himself.
“That you're more than what your role was. You always have been. Virtue or Beast, Fount or Master, I care not for titles, you existing as Shadow Milk Cookie is enough for me.”
The two were now forehead to forehead, Pure Vanilla a man on a mission with how much softness and care and gentleness he was determined to shower the other in in a simple glance and a handful of words.
“I'm grateful for being allowed the chance to know you, as you.”
Every reply died on Shadow Milk's tongue the harder he fought to conjure up one.
Every word fell short over such a heartfelt admission. He was now the one made speechless, he didn't know if he liked how those words made him feel.
Truth be told, he didn't know if he didn't like how they made him feel.
Pure Vanilla, ever the listener, ever the loving, compassionate fool he was, simply took his silence as answer enough, his hands moving to Shadow Milk's back to fully embrace him now.
At that, Shadow Milk could only mimic the gesture, burying his face in the taller man's robes as he held onto him like a lifeline.
And as they stood there, in each other's arms, no more words spoken, no more words needed, the silence of the night was the only witness to the promise of companionship sworn in their embrace.