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Eddie never imagined having this conversation with her mother. When she was a child, she didn’t think this was where her life would take her. Maybe she did dream about it though, where no one could see and she didn’t have to admit it.
Being ‘gay’ was a big surprise to her. Even though it wasn’t easy for her to come to terms with, it was a pretty straightforward revelation. Her mother wasn’t pleased, but she could grasp it, even if she didn’t know why Eddie was making these ‘choices’. Eddie didn’t think she was that concerned with the homosexuality of it all. She was still a Catholic from Texas, of course, so it wasn’t ideal for her, but Eddie suspected her attitude had more to do with expectation than anything else.
Helena had expectations for her son: a good stable life with a good stable family, preferably somewhere where she could reach them. It’s to be expected that when those expectations weren’t met, that she would be disappointed. Eddie couldn't blame her. She was a disappointing son, but maybe she could be a good daughter.
The ‘being a woman’ thing was a little harder for her mother to wrap her head around. It wasn’t easy for Eddie either, especially when she didn’t know it was possible. It was like trying to play a game where she didn’t know any of the rules. Her whole life, she had been stumbling around trying to solve something while she was blindfolded. Once she realized it was a possibility, that this wasn’t something that only other people could do, could be, she felt like she was able to see with clear eyes for the first time.
It was an uncomfortable conversion for Eddie to have. Telling Buck had been easy, he had basically been there every step of the way with her. She didn’t have to consider what words to use or how to break the news gently. He already knew her inside and out. She was still scared, of course. Even when you know the outcome, you still have to prepare for the worst. She always believed that Buck would accept her, but in the corner of her mind she thought of the expectations that he had for her, and how this would shatter them. That didn’t happen when she finally told him, but she couldn’t help being cautious.
Telling Christopher was difficult. Not because she thought he wouldn’t accept her, but because she didn’t want to shake the ground beneath their feet once again. She wanted to be a stable force for him, a steady presence that he could always rely on, not an ever-changing shape that never took on a solid form. Christopher had reassured her though, in his own way, that she was the same to him, that he had learned long ago that Eddie was not infallible, and that was okay.
It went like this: Eddie was visiting her parents with Christopher and Buck. They were only there for a week, and Eddie and Buck got a hotel, just to be safe. She hadn’t gone there with the intention of coming out, because she had only realized about a month ago, but it was in the back of her head during the entire visit. Could she tell them now? Would she be ruining their entire visit if she did? Should she even bother ever telling them at all?
Things were awkward between them, with her parents still getting used to the fact that she was dating a man, and her and Buck and Chris walking around with a secret about her. She could feel Buck’s eyes on her during the day, when she’s talking to her parents, wondering if she was going to say something today. Eddie could tell they’re trying for Christopher, and that was enough for her.
Ultimately, she told them the day before they were set to leave. She struggled to come up with the words. Should she say that she’s a woman, that she has been this whole time and never knew it, or that she was trans? Eddie wasn’t sure if they even knew what that meant. She wished that she could just write a letter for them, put all her feelings down on paper and leave it on their doorstep, let them read it on their own time when she wasn’t around. However they reacted, she wouldn’t be a witness to it.
During dinner, she said that she was a woman. It was that simple in her eyes. She was glad Buck and Christopher were there next to her, though he felt bad about roping them in to stand with her in the line of fire, but she needed the courage. She wanted it. She wanted to show that her family had her back.
Her parents had obviously been confused, What do you mean you’re a woman? She could understand why, looking at their child who, for all intents and purposes, appeared exactly the same. It was painful to explain it to them, to spell out the way she was feeling that would make sense to them. For them, this was just another crisis Eddie was having: first she got her girlfriend pregnant, then she came home with three bullet wounds and her head screwed on wrong, then she was a single parent, and now she was a woman. A never-ending conundrum that needed intervention.
She didn’t know how she would have fared if Buck and Chris weren’t there, acting as middlemen to translate her words into something digestible. She was grateful for that. There was no real resolution to that conversation. Her parents didn’t kick her out of the house and refuse to ever see her again. They just moved on, acting like it didn’t happen. And then she left the next day.
Maybe they thought this was a phase, and she didn’t really mean it. Maybe they thought she would stay exactly the same and this could be something they could just ignore. Maybe they thought it was a joke. She wasn’t sure. When she’s back in LA, they talked over the phone like they normally did, which wasn’t very often. They didn’t bring it up, and neither did she.
The next time she visited was a year later, just Eddie and Chris this time. Buck tried to tag along too, but she convinced him that she could handle her parents herself. She hoped that was actually true.
They were shocked when they opened the door for her and Chris. She looked different now; she was still Eddie but her hair was longer, her wardrobe more feminine, her features a little different. She was more herself now. This was the first time they had seen her since the last time she visited. Christopher proceeded inside like nothing was amiss, but her parents were still processing her. She let them take her in, somehow hoped that they would compliment her, tell her this new hairstyle suited her or she looked nice in her dress.
That was wishful thinking. But they didn't tell her she looked bad either. It seemed as though they had forgotten what she told them last year, and only just remembered.
“I didn’t know you were going to do all that,” her father said at the dinner table, after Christopher had finished eating and gone off to Eddie’s old room where he had taken up camp.
“Well, I told you I was a woman. And I want to look more like a woman,” she answered. Ramon nodded, like he understood. She thought maybe that was more for her benefit than an actual acknowledgment of who she was.
“You don’t think this is confusing for Christopher?” his mother jumped in. Eddie knew that was coming. Christopher was a tool she used to express her true feelings. T his is confusing for us , was what she really meant.
“He’s not confused, Mom. And neither am I,” she told her. Her mother just sighed, put her head in her hands, like she was getting an Eddie-induced headache. She gets enough of those herself.
“Mom, Dad, I’m much happier now,” she said carefully, “And it would make me even happier if you– accepted me,” she felt like she was a lawyer, representing herself in court, trying to convince the jury of her parents that she deserved to have their love.
“I– I understand, Eddie. Can we still call you Eddie?” his father broke the silence. He was still trying to make up for his neglectful years, his misdeeds, so maybe that was why he was doing this, but Eddie would take it. She nodded, “Just not Edmundo.”
Deep down though, she knew she wanted her mother’s approval more than anything. She felt like a defective monkey in an experiment, clinging to the wire mother even when it didn’t have any food to give her. She looked at her mother, head still in her hands. She wanted to reach out and comfort her, tell her it was okay, that she didn’t have to be upset; there wasn’t anything wrong with her. Eddie wanted her to believe that.
Helena got up, taking her dishes from the table and going into the kitchen. “Come on, help me clear the table,” she called out behind her. Eddie, ever dutiful, grabbed the remaining plates and followed her. They started washing the dishes, same as they always have. Her mom washed while she dried, then she put them away in the cupboards, reaching up into the ones that her mother couldn’t get to. Helena continued cleaning things around the kitchen, wiping down the counters and putting miscellaneous utensils away. Eddie stood there for a second, unsure of where her place was, before going out into the living room, where her father had set himself up in front of the T.V. with a baseball game. She sat in the armchair and got comfortable. Eventually her mother joined them, sitting next to her father. No one said another word about it.
A few days later they returned to L.A. as planned. Buck asked how it went, and she told the truth: Ramon gave her a tentative acceptance, and Helena gave her something else. She was still figuring out what that was. Was she rejecting her or just pretending that nothing had changed? Eddie didn’t know what the difference was.
“Maybe she’s still coming to terms with it?” she asked Buck when they were lying in bed together that night, trying to bounce ideas off him to explain her mother’s behavior.
“Yeah, maybe,” he responded skeptically. He wasn’t as willing to give her the benefit of the doubt as Eddie was, partly because he wasn’t there and partly due to protectiveness. He didn’t want her to get her feelings hurt by putting too much faith in her mother, but she couldn’t help herself. She knew she expected too much; she always had.
Eddie knew she could cut her off, cease all contact with her mother like she knew other people did. If they didn’t accept you, they didn’t deserve to have you. She had thought about it, even before she had her revelation, but that had never been Eddie. She couldn’t cut off the chance to feel the love she had been craving her whole life.
The strangest thing was how her mother didn’t treat her any differently. She still carried that passive-aggressive air of superiority, like she knew what you needed better than you did. She could still be cruel, but not any more cruel than she was before. Perhaps Helena had been treating her like a daughter all along. Maybe subconsciously she knew that Eddie was a girl, the way mothers always know things about you that you think you’re hiding well.
When Sophia was 11, she started her period, and their mother knew right away, before she could even say a word. Perhaps it was part of a mother’s instinct, the same way Eddie thinks she always suspected she was not attracted to women. She remembers the relief on her face when she first brought home Shannon, how it meant that perhaps Eddie was normal after all. The disappointment when she revealed that she got Shannon pregnant was insurmountable. The glass tower built under Eddie’s feet had crumbled, and she would never be able to restore it. Whatever distorted image Helena had of Eddie since she was a child had been sullied.
The next time Eddie visited El Paso, she was alone. It was for a wedding of a somewhat distant relative, someone Christopher wasn’t familiar with, so he begged off with an excuse about a big school project he had to work on. Buck wanted to come along again, always ready to be her back-up, but she let them have their boys weekend. She was sure they were having a good time, even if they missed her presence as much as she missed theirs. She bought a new dress for the wedding, happy to have an excuse to expand her wardrobe. She never really put a lot of effort into her style, opting for basics without a lot of room for creativity. If Eddie thought too hard about what she wanted to wear in the past, she knew she would go down a road that she wasn’t ready for. Being plain and boring was safe. She didn’t need to worry about that now.
Most of her family knew about her by now. Eddie told her closest relatives, so she assumed the news had travelled along the vine, trickled down until even her second cousin thrice-removed wouldn’t be surprised by her appearance. She wasn’t expecting anyone’s approval, but she would like to make an impression.
Helena insisted that Eddie and her sisters show her what they were wearing to the wedding, presuming that she would have final say on their outfits. It was like being a kid again. Sophia and Adriana had been at this specific war with their mother for much longer, so they knew what she wanted to see, but not Eddie. She showed her mother the emerald green dress she picked out, with a sleek finish and a leg slit. Eddie thought it was pretty. Her mother did not. She let out a harsh ‘tsk’ when she saw it, shaking her head in disapproval. The pit in Eddie’s stomach got heavier.
“Is that really what you’re wearing?” her mother asked, obviously finding issue with it.
“Yeah. What’s wrong with it?” she responded.
Her mother rolled her eyes, “This is a spring wedding, sweetheart. You are going to look so out of place in dark green. And that slit is way too high for a wedding. You don’t want to look like a harlot, do you?” she explained. Buck really loved the high slit in the dress when she showed it to him; he said it showed off her shapely legs. Goes to show how effective her boyfriend was as an impartial critic.
“Mom,” Adriana said in a warning tone. Helena waved her hand at her, dismissing the concern, “Oh, stop it. I just want to make sure everyone looks nice and appropriate,” she justified.
Eddie was a little comforted by the disapproval. She was reminded of when Sophia was a teenager and their mother would scold her whenever she wore something that was too short or low-cut. It was affirming in a way, to have a little piece of the experience of being a teenage girl, even though she was in her thirties now.
“Well, this is the only dress I brought with me. And I don’t think Soph or Adriana have anything that’ll fit me,” she explained.
Helena scoffed, then went to grab her purse and keys before moving to the front door. She slipped on her shoes and gestured for Eddie to hurry up. “Eddie, come on. We’re going to find you something that won’t humiliate our family,” she said, and rushed out the door.
Eddie looked at her sisters, bewildered. They just shrugged, leaving her to deal with Helena alone. She sighed, and followed her mother. They never really went on many shopping trips together when she was younger. Helena had shopped for her up until she was in high school, when Eddie started buying her own clothes with the meager paychecks she got from minimum wage jobs. She never had much to say about Eddie’s clothing back then, other than reminding her to look respectable at all times. That was never a struggle for her as a teen.
Her mother drove them to the mall, leading her to a small boutique hidden away in the corner with confidence. She had never seen this place when she went there as a teen, but her mother was clearly well acquainted with it; the sales associates greeted her as soon as she walked in. They exchanged pleasantries while Eddie stood behind her awkwardly, looking around for anything that she liked while her mother chatted.
She wandered away, browsing some of the selections. The store was full of dresses, of all shapes and sizes and colors. There were almost too many options, and she couldn’t decide where to start first. Usually, she had Buck with her on shopping trips helping her pick something out. When she couldn’t decide between two items, Buck would make the final decision. Although, more often than not, he would just buy both for her. She smiled at the thought; she wished he was here with her, even though she was the one who convinced him to stay home.
A flash of burnt orange jumped out at her among the racks, and she picked out the dress, a flowy sundress with a halter neck. It felt soft and light against her fingertips. She could imagine wearing it to the beach or for a walk in the park, and she knew Buck would absolutely love it.
“Oh, that’s way too informal. And it’s a fall color. I told you, this is a spring wedding,” a voice from behind her said. She sighed. She’s been doing that a lot since she got to Texas. Her mother stood behind her, evaluating the dress. Eddie held on to it anyway. She was going to try it on regardless of what her mom thought.
“What do you suggest?” she asked. Helena lifted up her hand, where she already held several options. She had to hold them above her head since they were all longer than her whole body. She didn’t know when she had the time to pick those out; they had barely been in here five minutes.
“Go try these on, then we’ll see,” she ordered, pushing Eddie toward the dressing room. “And show me when you put it on. I need to see how it fits.”
Eddie felt like a petulant child, being forced to parade around in a costume. But when she got inside the dressing room and actually examined the dresses, she found that she actually liked them. They were all girly and sweet, in varying shades of pastel. She didn’t think this is what her mother would pick out for her; she thought it would be something drab and shapeless instead.
She tried them all one, coming out one by one to twirl for her mother. Helena clinically gave her pros and cons and sent her off to try the next one. The last dress was a cornflower blue, with puffed sleeves and a tiny flower pattern. The color reminded her of Buck’s eyes. The bodice hugged her waist and then flowed out freely to her shins. She loved it. She was nervous to come out now, knowing her mother would point out all the flaws in it that she didn’t want to hear, but she was calling her name impatiently from beyond the curtain.
Eddie stepped out for evaluation. She looked at her mother hopefully, and only found her assessing eyes, betraying nothing about her true thoughts.
“This is the one,” she finally said, nodding to herself. She looked proud of herself, probably impressed with the ability to pick out the right dress even for her black sheep of a daughter.
“Really? I like it too,” she told her, doing a little spin in the mirror outside the dressing room.
“Of course you do. I picked it out. And it hides your big shoulders so you look slimmer,” she responded. Eddie pauses. She was insecure about her shoulders. She didn’t know how her mother could see through her like that. Buck always told her that he loved her shoulders, that they showed how strong she was, but if she was being honest with herself, she still felt self-conscious about them.
Eddie assessed her image in the mirror. It did make her shoulders look slimmer. She cursed her mother in her head. She didn’t say anything out loud, not wanting to give her the satisfaction, but she could tell her mother was feeling smug.
“Okay, yeah, let’s go with this one,” she agreed. She stepped back into the dressing room and took off the dress. Before she put her clothes back on, she noticed the burnt orange dress she picked among the pile of discarded dresses. She fished it out and tried it on before her mom could start rushing her. This dress had a thin strap, and exposed her shoulders and back, showing off her muscles from the years of manual labor from her job. Eddie was hyper aware of them, but she didn’t think it was a bad thing. Yes, she had big shoulders, and she was still a woman . She repeated it like a mantra in her head. She didn’t need to be insecure about them . Sometimes the voice in her head giving her pep-talks sounded a lot like Buck.
She quickly changed back into her clothes and exited the dressing room with the orange and blue dresses. Helena was chatting up the sales associate at the register again, barely noticing as Eddie sidled up to her. She put the dresses on the counter, and her mom finally noticed her presence.
“Oh great, we want this beautiful dress. It’s just stunning, Melanie,” she said as she pushed the blue dress toward Melanie, “Eddie, what’s this one?” she asked when she saw the other dress.
“That one’s just for me,” Eddie replied, “I’ll pay for them.” Her mom hummed and spread the dress out so she could see the whole thing. “Are you sure this will look good on you, sweetie?” she asked skeptically.
“Yes, Mom. I tried it on,” she responded, huffing back at her. She didn’t want to argue with her mother in some boutique where she knew all the employees and very likely gossiped with them about every life decision Eddie has made. Thankfully, her mother let it go, shrugging her shoulders and letting Eddie hand over her card.
The air when they stepped out of the mall was thick as butter, not losing any of its viscosity even in the early evening. They walked back silently to Helena’s car, not having anything to talk about now that they’ve achieved what they set out to do on their trip. It felt almost peaceful, the sun setting in a multicolor scene in the mall parking lot. They got into the car and began their journey home without any fanfare, and Eddie thought it would be a silent ride until Helena broke the silence.
“See, I’m not such a terrible mother after all,” she commented pointedly. Eddie closed her eyes and sighed, again. She shouldn’t have expected peace from her mother.
“No one has ever said that, Mom,” she replied mildly. She didn’t want to turn this into a fight when they made it this far without one. Her mother didn’t say anything back, the tension holding them there while they waited at a red light.
Eddie never imagined any of this would ever happen, going to the mall and picking out dresses with her mom. It was like something out of a fantasy. The reality wasn’t as glamorous as what she imagined in her head, but it was a fulfillment of some sort nonetheless. “Thanks, Mom,” she said quietly, not specifying what she was thanking her for. She meant for taking her out and helping her find a new dress, even though she already had one and the entire situation was a contrived issue created by Helena, but maybe it was meant for something more than that as well, things that Eddie did not have the stomach to voice at the moment.
Her mother puffed up in the driver’s seat. “Of course, honey. I just want my– my girls to look good,” she said, stuttering over the key phrase in that sentence. It was a clumsy olive branch, but it made Eddie’s eyes instantly start to burn. Her face felt hot from the pressure, but she blinked rapidly to urge any tears away. Eddie swallowed thickly. She would not cry in front of her mom. She didn’t think she could handle that kind of episode right now, and she knew her mom would make a fuss of it. All she could do was nod tightly, and keep her mouth clamped shut. Eddie knew if she tried to speak, or even opened her mouth, she would start sobbing.
She never imagined she could have this conversation with her mother. In all the scenarios Eddie’s mind conjured up before she came out, she had rejected her, or ignored her, or just forgotten about her existence entirely. Maybe it was the bare minimum, but it was more than she ever expected. Eddie doesn’t know if they’ll ever really repair their relationship. She didn’t think there was anything to repair, since their strained and stunted connection was all that ever existed between them. How can you fix something that is broken by design?
Eddie didn’t know, but in two days, she would go with her parents and her sisters to a wedding for a relative she could barely remember the name of, and they would be by her side. And when she went back to L.A., Buck and Chris would be waiting for her in their home. She doesn’t think she could ask for much else.