can a man not have a best friend around here?!

Ravi: genuinely im still so shocked that you guys arent part of the mob
like it made so much sense in my head
next ur gonna tell me that Buck and Eddie arent divorced smh

Eddie: WE ARENT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Buck: ADKJADHFLA WHAT

Ravi: what else was i supposed to think?!?!?!?!

Buck: CAN A MAN NOT HAVE A BEST FRIEND AROUND HERE?!?!!

OR: What happens when you put Pining Idiot #1, Pining Idiot #2, and the rest of the 118 in a group chat?
Surely nothing weird, right?
...right???

Notes:

Hi!

This is my first 9-1-1 fanfic, so forgive me if anybody's a bit ooc. This is mostly just a shameless excuse to write something stupid lmao

Quick note that I am playing fast and loose with canon, so some things (like Maddie getting kidnapped and the whole corrupt council member) either won't be mentioned or just simply didn't happen

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: you can tell me if you're in the mafia, i wont be mad

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: The A-Shift (Ravi, Eddie, Buck, Hen, Chimney, Bobby)

Ravi: ok now that i feel like you guys (cough buck cough) finally trust me enough i can finally ask this without fear of going to sleep with da fishes if you know what i mean

Hen: Crazy opener but okay

Ravi: are you guys part of the mafia?

cause like

its ok if u are

i just wanna know

Hen: Ravi

And keep in mind that I say this with all the love in my heart

What the fuck

Ravi: no its okay you dont have to deny it

you guys literally call each other family

when i first joined i think buck was like .5 seconds away from putting a horse head in my bed

Buck: wait why would i be putting a horse head in ur bed? i like horses :(

Chimney: YOU HAVENT SEEN THE GODFATHER?!?!?!

Buck: the what???

Hen: Chim I thought we agreed that it was best to assume that Buck hasn’t seen anything.

Chimney: I KNOW but THE GODFATHER?!?!?!

Ravi: okay enough buck back to me now thank you

Buck: ravi you wound me

what have i ever done to you

Ravi: chasing me with a chainsaw comes to mind

Buck: THAT WAS ONE TIME

Ravi: MOVING ON

so like are you guys apart of the mafia or not?

cause its totally chill if you are

id just rather know NOW than when im being called into the station to give alibis ifywim

i could even be ur inside man

i cant promise i could pull off the pinstripe suits but i sure could try

Eddie: Am I the only one concerned at how willing to commit crimes for us Ravi is?

Ravi: ok mr silver star

Eddie: What?

Ravi: what?

Buck: we promised never to speak of htat night again

Ravi: no, YOU promised

i had my fingers crossed

Buck: BETRAYAL

BY MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD

Ravi: stop it or im bringing out another little story from that night

one that im sure eddie would be VERY intersted in hearing

Buck: NO

WAIT

STOP

PLEASE

Ravi:

Eddie: Does anyone have any idea what those two are talking about?

Chimney: Buddy, while youve been in Texas, weve all agreed not to interfere with whatever those two decide to do

like not tapping the glass at the aquarium

Hen: Wait no go back i want to know what Ravi knows

Buck: NONONO NO NOIDHGF:OISDIH

HEN NO

STOP IT

RAVI I SEE YOU TYPING

WEIPE THAT SMUG GRIN OFF UR SMUG LITETLE MOUTH NOW

Ravi: hmmmmm

i think im gonna save that one for a rainy day actually

Buck: i dont know whats worse

him sharing the story right now

or waiting for when im least expecting it

Ravi: back on topic for a sec

genuinely im still so shocked that you guys arent part of the mob

like it made so much sense in my head

next ur gonna tell me that Buck and Eddie arent divorced smh

Eddie: WE ARENT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Buck: PHGS{HGD{HAEFI:A:LFN:LASF:LSD:FGE:SIOGHI:OESHG:PIOSHN WHAT

Ravi: ok now i know youre fucking with me

@Chimney @Hen theyre fucking with me right

Hen: Oh Ravi

Ravi:

Chimney: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Ravi: chimney dont laugh at me

i thought we were friends

Buck: NO GO BACK
HOW DID YOU COME TO THAT CONCLUSION

Ravi: well ok so first of all when i first joined chim told me you guys were in “another divorce era”

Eddie: Chimney told you what

Chimney: So I fear that those words may have been taken out of context

Eddie: Wait hold on

You said again

Ravi

How many times did you think we were married

Ravi: like at least twice

plus you guys are basically raising a kid together!!!!

you know like everything about each other and are weirdly invested in each others love lives!!!!!!!

what else was i supposed to think?!?!?!?!

Buck: NOT THAT WE WERE DIVORCED

CAN A MAN NOT HAVE A BEST FRIEND AROUND HERE?!?!!

Ravi: not when the two of you act like that

Bobby: May I gently remind you all that this is still a work group chat, and thus, should be centered around work? –Bobby Nash

Eddie: Sorry Bobby

Hen: Sorry Bobby

Buck: sorry bobby

wait actually no

im not sorry

ravi should be sorry

this is all his fault

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: ADLGJHALGHAOEGHAWEIJGPAEIFJ'paewijfAWFEDAWKGDS

Maddie: Buck what’s going on????

Is everyone okay???

Buck???

Answer me damn it!!!

Buck: sorry mads everyones fine

i just had the urge to scream

Maddie: Its times like these I regret not leaving you in a cardboard box on the side of the road

Buck: rude 🙄

private messaging: Ravi and Buck

Ravi: im sorry babygirl

can you stop glaring at me from across the room now

Buck: no

uv lost ur babygirl privlages

Ravi: NOOOOOOO

what can i do to make it up to you 🥺😞💔🥀

Buck: cleaning the engine for me would be a start

Ravi: le sigh

youre lucky i tolerate you 😞

Buck: i tolerate you too

babygirl

Ravi: YAY YIPPEE

Buck: dont push it 😒

groupchat: the buddie support group (Bobby, Athena, Chimney, Maddie, Hen, Karen, Ravi)

Ravi: how is it possible that theyve gotten WORSE since eddie moved to texas 😞

can they please just make out already

Chimney: I’m not sure you understand how video calls work rav

Ravi: i think you underestimate how freaky they can get

Bobby: Ravi, respectfully, I do not like the mental image you put in my mind. –Bobby Nash

Ravi: bobby, respectfully, whatever theyre doing is worse

Chimney: Mans got a point cap

Hen: Okay as riveting as this conversation is, I have to ask

Did you really think that they were divorced Ravi???

Ravi: OKAY LOOK

i actually dont have a good excuse

i blame chimney

Chimney: And I blame your inability to read context clues

Ravi: HOW CAN I READ CONTEXT CLUES WHEN I HAVE NO CONTEXT TO READ

Maddie: Ohhhh this must be why Buck was screaming to me over text

Ravi: that man cant process anything normally can he

Maddie: Nope!

Blame our parents ♥️

Ravi: cmon maddie dont play the shitty parents card on me 😭

Chimney: Ngl I blame your parents for most things, whether they’re actually involved or not

Maddie: See, this is why I married you 🥰

. . .

private message: Buck and Eddie

Buck: eddie

eddie

eds

diaz

edmundo

ew i sound like ana

ur probably driving

i just wanna say that i miss you

i just had to do a rope rescue with ravi and it wasnt the same 😞

Eddie: Sorry yeah I was driving

I miss you too Buck

Like more than you know

I hope that you realize that if Chris is willing to come back with me someday you are driving us everywhere

I am never touching a steering wheel again

Buck: id call that a fair price to pay to get you gusy back in la

Eddie: ♥️

Call in a bit? I’ve just got one more passenger and then I’m done for the night.

Buck: OFC!!!!

Eddie: You scare me

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: maddie i need you to remind me how broke i am right now

Maddie: Buck your credit score is bad enough to make Oliver Twist shed a tear

Buck: thank you i needed that

Maddie: Am I allowed to ask why that was necessary now?

Buck: oh no reason

just trying to resist the temptation to buy a last minute plane ticket to el paso 🤪

Maddie: Oh Evan

They’ll be back before you know it

Buck: yeah probably

i still miss them tho

Maddie: How about you come over after your call with Eddie?

Jee misses her uncle Buck!! 😍

Buck: YES YAY YIPEE

uncle buck misses his favorite niece!!!!

Maddie: Quit talking about yourself in the third person its weird

Buck: no 🫶

wait how did you know that eddie and i are gonna call later

Maddie: That’s for me to know and you to wonder about! 😜

Buck: i hate you sometimes

Maddie: See you at dinner!!

Buck: yeah yeah yeah

groupchat: buddie support group

Maddie: I just had to talk Buck out of getting a last minute plane ticket to El Paso 😅

Karen: Oh he’s GONE gone

Hen: Oh baby you don’t know the half of it

I caught Buck loudly sighing over a bucket of soapy water earlier because, and I quote, “Eddie always washed the windows with me”

Chimney: He’s such a freak

Maddie: Hey that’s my brother you’re talking about!

Chimney: It was said with love!!!

Ravi: I think that we’re forgetting that Eddie is just as bad

If not worse tbh

Hen: True, we just aren’t subjected to it 24/7 right now

Athena: Oh Harry tells me that Christopher has been complaining about how “down bad” his father is acting about being away from Buck 😆

Ravi: oh poor chris

poor kid’s been subjected to their shit for longer than all of us

private messaging: Ravi and Chris

Ravi: how much can I pay you to send this to your dad when things are better between you two

Chris: mind you this is my first impression of you

Ravi: yknow what ill own that

so?

Chris: 30 bucks

Ravi: DEAL

Chris: little does he know i wouldve done it for the love of the game

Ravi: how did i just get scammed by a toddler 😞

Chris: L

get good loser

Ravi:

. . .

private messaging: Maddie and Eddie

Maddie: Figured you’d enjoy this photo! Hope things are going well with Christopher, we all miss you two!

Eddie: Maddie I am a weak, weak man

Maddie: Fighting back tears too, huh 😉

Eddie: At least you can blame the pregnancy 😓

I think that I just miss you guys a lot

Maddie: Hey, believe me, I get it

Sometimes making the right choices for you and your kid can be painful

But trust me when I say that it’s worth it in the end 🥲

Eddie: Thank you Maddie. That means a lot

It’s just kind of hard to remember that I’ve got others to lean on sometimes, you know?

Maddie: More than you know

Actually, I think that I may have just the thing for you!

Eddie: I’m intruiged…

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed! Can't promise how frequently this will be updated, but I'll do my best!
Please don't forget to leave kudos, and comment if you feel like it! I'd really appreciate it <3
Thanks for reading!!
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 2: you know how to stage kiss right?!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉 (Maddie, Karen, Athena)

Maddie: Hey, would you guys be open to letting someone else join our wine nights??

Athena: Well, I suppose it depends on who it is you’re talking about.

Giving a hard no to Tommy Kinard though.

I would rather gargle glass.

Karen: What Athena said 🤔

Maddie: Oh GOD no

Who do you take me for, SATAN?!?!?!?!!?

Karen: Well that’s a relief! 🤣

Maddie: You guys will enjoy it, I promise!

Do you trust me?

Athena: Well I suppose so 😆

Do your worst!

Maddie added Eddie to the group

Eddie: Uh hey guys! 👋

Karen: EDDIE! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! HI!

Athena: Well this is a welcome surprise! Hi baby!

Eddie: I hope you guys don’t mind that I’ll be joining via video call for the foreseeable future! 😅

Karen: Not at all!!!

We’re just glad that you’re joining us!!!!!

We’ve missed you so much!!!!!!

Athena: And to think for a second there I was worried Maddie was going to force us to interact with Tommy Kinard!

Eddie: Oh EW 🤮

I cannot believe I was ever friends with that douche

Having a wine night with him may genuinely be a fate worse than death

Karen: I knew there was a reason I liked you! 😂

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: Hey you still up for calling tonight?

Eddie: Can’t sorry, something came up 😔

Buck: I thought you said that today was your day off 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Eddie: By day off do you mean the day you force me to stay home and do nothing?

Buck: aHEM i BELIEVE the exact wording i used was “get a hobby”

not my fault it turns out the hobby you chose was sitting on the couch staring off into nothingness while the world burns around you 😒

Eddie: Well that took a dark turn

Buck: sry hen got me hooked on these old dark poems

Eddie: I didn’t take you for a poet Buck 😏😂

Buck: shut up ur not the only one who needs hobbies

Eddie: What happened to baking?

Buck: long story short maddie said that if i brought one more baked good in the vicinity of her house in the next month said baked goods can and will be shoved where the sun dont shine

Eddie: How classy

Buck: well you know my sister

ANYWAY you got me off topic 😭

what ARE you doing tonight???????

is chris coming or something?!?!

Eddie: No nothing that exciting

I’ve just got a thing

Buck: …a thing???

Eddie: A thing.

Buck: what KIND of thing?????

Eddie: You know.

A thing.

Buck: fine diaz

keep your secrets 🙄

[Buck’s Search History]

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Buck: can we go out tonight after our shift ends

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Ravi: NO

ive fallen for this trap before

i refuse to be your replacement eddie

Buck: okay rude

maybe i just want to hang out with my babygirl for a night 😒

Ravi: i have fallen for that charade once

i will not fall for it again

Buck: seriously ravi

i promise i wont talk about him the whole night

i actually want to do this to forget about him for a few hours

please babygirl 🥺🙏

Ravi: how the fuck did you manage to trick me into caring about you

i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this

Buck: so is that a yes orrrrrrr?????????

Ravi: fine

FINE

YES

HOWEVER

i reserve the right to share THAT story with eddie if you bring him up AT ALL

Buck: YAY YIPEE

groupchat: The A-Shift

Ravi: oh my fucking god these bagels are so good i want to have their fucking babies I am getting down on my knees for them oh my lord

Buck: WRONG GROUP CHAT WRONG GROUP CHAT WRONG GROUP CHAT

Bobby: What an… interesting observation, Ravi. May I suggest keeping it out of the work group chat though? –Bobby Nash

Ravi: oh my god

i can never look you in the eye again

im leaving

i quit

Ravi has left the group

Hen has added Ravi to the group

Hen: You can’t get rid of us that easily!

Chimney: Plus there’s nothing you can do thats worse than Buck 1.0

Ravi: SIGH

i guess i wont quit

sorry bobby can you please forget that that ever happened

Bobby: Sorry, Ravi, forget what happened? 😉 –Bobby Nash

Buck: here bobby, let me refresh your memory!!!

[ Buck shared a screenshot]

Ravi: you are my least favorite human being on the entire planet

Buck: this is homophobic

Ravi: IM LITERALLY BI TOO?????

Buck: homophobia

im reporting you to hr

Bobby: Buck I would like to request that you not sue the city again! –Bobby Nash

Buck: a guy sues a city ONE TIME

Ravi: YOU DID WHAT

Chimney: That was the first divorce era!

Ravi: oh my god

why did i choose to join this station again

Eddie: You don’t choose the station, the station chooses you

…

private messaging: Buck and Tommy

Tommy: I feel like we ended things on the wrong foot last time.

Want to go catch up over some drinks?

My treat.

I’ll meet you at your favorite at 10.

Delivered

…

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉 (Maddie, Karen, Athena)

Maddie: Everybody get home safely?

Karen: Yep!! Hen says hi by the way!

Athena: Same here, and Bobby does too!

Eddie: I think you guys don’t have to worry about me 😂

Thank you guys for having me!!! This was the most fun I’ve had in a while! ♥️

Athena: Oh honey if I knew you were this much of a joy when you were tipsy you would’ve been joining us AGES ago!

Maddie: Same time next week?

Karen: You know it!!!

…

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Buck: RAVI COME BACK FROM THE BATHROOM

QUICKLY

Ravi: babygirl what have i told you about being clingy 😒

Buck: NO RAVI SERIOUSLY

YOU OWE ME AFTER LAST TIME

Ravi: after last time?

WAIT

OH FUCK

BE THERE IN ONE SEC

Buck: RAVI

APPARENTLY I MISSED HIM MESSAGING ME EARLIER

HE WANTED TO GO OUT FOR DRINKS TO “PATCH THINGS UP”

AND HE TOOK MY NOT ANSWERING HIM AS AN “OH YEAH WERE JUST GONNA DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO”

HES NOT GOING AWAY

RAVI I THINK HE WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER

I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW

Ravi: i dont know what you want me to do when i get there 😭

Buck: i panicked and told him that im here on a date

hang back for a sec

im gonna see if he takes a hint

Ravi: okay

okay maybe you can play this off

Buck: OH FUCK ME HE DOESNT BELIEVE ME

HES SITTING DOWN

Ravi: FUCK

Buck: RAVI

RAVI I AM GOING TO ASK YOU SOMETHING AND IM BEGGING YOU NOT TO FREAK OUT

Ravi: IM SCARED

Buck: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO STAGE KISS

Ravi: YES DUMBASS I WAS IN THEATER WEVE TALKED ABOUT THIS

OH WAIT

OH NO NO NO NO NO

BUCK REALLY!?!?!?!?!?

THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Buck: WELL I COULD BE ASKING YOU TO REAL KISS ME

RAVI IM KINDA FUCKING OUT OF OPTIONS HERE

HES BLOCKING THE EXITS

Ravi: YOU OWE ME SO BAD AFTER THIS

Buck: I KNOW BABYGIRL

YOU ARE A LIFESAVER I LOVE YOU

Ravi: EW DO NOT SAY THAT WHEN IM ABOUT TO FAKE KISS YOU

Ravi: we are never speaking of that again

Buck: agreed

i never want to get htat close to your face ever again

…

private messaging: Tommy and Eddie

Tommy: I guess we both lost this round Diaz.

[Image attached: Slightly blurry photograph of Buck and Ravi convincingly stage kissing. The lighting is such that Ravi’s face is slightly obscured.]

Eddie: What the fuck

Notes:

And the plot thickens...
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 3: i think you could point a loaded gun at my head and we'd still be good

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Tommy and Eddie

Tommy: I guess we both lost this round Diaz.

[Image attached: Slightly blurry photograph of Buck and Ravi convincingly stage kissing. The lighting is such that Ravi’s face is slightly obscured.]

Eddie: What the fuck.

Who the fuck do you think you are sending that to me as if that isn’t my best friend in the entire fucking world

You are such a massive fucking dick

Don’t fucking talk to me again

Eddie has blocked this contact

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉

Eddie: Sharing this here because I genuinely don’t have anyone else I can talk to about this and I CANNOT be alone in this knowledge

[Eddie shared a screenshot]

Maddie: W h a t

Athena: Oh sweet baby Jesus

Somebody hold me back, because otherwise, I am going to go kick that man’s ass back to the Cretacious so he can be with all the other dinosaurs!

Karen: Oh Athena honey you are asking the WRONG people here

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM

Eddie: “Guess we both lost this round” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

Maddie: There is absolutely no fucking world in which Buck and the guy he’s kissing okay-ed that photo too

Oh my fucking god

What a creep

Eddie: RIGHT?!?!

AND THE FACT THAT HE SENT THAT PHOTO TO ME AND EXPECTED ME TO BE OKAY WITH THAT

Karen: RIGHT!!!!

What kind of world is he LIVING IN?!?!?! 😭

Maddie: Athena, just know that if I EVER catch that man within a 30 foot radius of my brother again, you Will have to lock me up for premeditated murder.

Athena: Oh honey I will be right there with you.

Eddie: Don’t leave me and Karen out!

Karen: By the way Maddie and/or Eddie, do you have any idea who that guy kissing Buck is? He deserves to know that this photo was taken and is in the hands of Thomas fucking Kinard.

Maddie: I have no idea, but I feel so bad for him!

Athena: Agreed. Nobody deserves to meet that man. 😒

Karen: I love you so much Athena 😆

Eddie: I don’t THINK I know who it is, but to be fair, I think that I only looked at that photo long enough to take a screenshot to send to you guys.

I’ll look again, give me one sec.

Karen: Okay, thanks Eddie!

Eddie: Wait

Wait no

No it can’t be

Oh my God

Guys

I think that’s Ravi

Maddie: WHAT

OH MY GOD IT IS

Karen: EXCUSE ME

THIS WAS NOT ON MY 2025 BINGO CARD

Athena: BOY WHAT

Eddie: I think I’m in shock jesus christ

Karen: I know the two of them have been becoming friendlier recently but I didn’t realize that it was THAT kind of friendship!!!!!!

Eddie: Me neither.

Maddie: Buck literally won’t shut up about it to me when he wants to date someone HOW is this the first I’m hearing of it?!?!

Athena: Okay, I think that the more important question right now is how do we proceed?

Karen: Well somebody has to tell them.

Not me

But somebody has to

Eddie: I’ll do it.

I was the one who got the message in the first place so it should be me.

…Unless somebody else would like to volunteer?

Athena: Eddie, baby, I love you, but not that much.

Maddie: We believe in you!

Karen: Go get ‘em tiger!

Eddie: S i g h

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Hey Buck

Buck: EDDIE!!!

i haven’t heard from you all day!!!

i missed you!!!!!!!!!

Eddie: Missed you too Buck

Buck: awwww he DOES care 🤗😍🎉

Eddie: Oh shut it 😒

Anyways

I need to talk to you for a sec

Buck: what’s up??? finally gonna admit ur undying love for me diaz??? 😍

Eddie?

Eddie: Haha sorry I heard a noise in my backyard, it was just my neighbors cat

Buck: i thought your neighbors had that dog??

the annoying ass one who barks all the time???

Eddie: Oh yeah

This cat is my um

Other neighbors

Yeah

Buck: …okay

Eddie: Haha yeah

No, um

I can’t even lie to you I don’t really know how to say this so I’m just going to rip the bandaid off

[ Eddie shared a screenshot]

Eddie: Tommy sent me this last night

I didn’t see it until this morning

Fuck Buck I’m sorry

He’s such a dick

Buck: …

hold please

private messaging: Buck and Tommy

Buck:

Buck has blocked this contact

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: okay im back

what the fuck

Eddie: I’m so sorry dude

Buck: what are you apologizing for

tommys the one who should be fucking apologizing to YOU

Eddie: TO ME????

You’re the one who he took that photo of!

You’re the one whose privacy was invaded!

Buck: yeah but like

thats my ex

he shouldnt be dragging you into our shit

that really isnt cool

ESPECIALLY cause you guys are friends

Eddie: Were.

Buck: were what?

Eddie: Were friends.

We haven’t been friends since he broke up with you the first time.

Buck: dude

dont say shit like that when ur in texas and i cant go hug you for it what the hell

Eddie: So we’re good?

Buck: YES

we’re always good dude

i think you could point a loaded gun at my forehead and we’d still be good

Eddie: Well that isn’t concerning at all.

Buck: fuck off im trying to be nice

Eddie: 😆

Buck: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

Eddie: Anyways…

You and Ravi, huh?

Buck: shut up

i cant believe that theres photo evidence of that

oh my god if chim gets his hands on that i am never living it down

Eddie: Uh…why would you never live that down??

Buck: UM HELLO?

because now theres PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of me forcing ravi to come fake kiss me to get tommy to leave?!?!?!?!?!

Eddie: oh

Does

Does that mean you guys aren’t dating?

Buck: YOU THOUGHT WE WERE DATING?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

EW EW EW EW

DONT EVEN PUT THAT THOUGHT IN MY MIND

I JUST ATE EDDIE

Eddie: Dude I saw a photo of you two kissing

What the fuck else was I supposed to think?????

Buck: NOT THAT I WAS DATING HIM EWWWWWWW

this genuinely may be worse than having to kiss him

Eddie: Dramatic much, Buckley?? 🙄

Buck: i had to TOUCH his LIPS with MY lips EDDIE

well not actually it was a stage kiss

correction: i had to TOUCH my LIPS to HIS thumb

you are making me relive my trauma right now eddie

actually, im not doing this alone

Eddie: buck do not do what i think youre about to do

Buck: too late! 😛

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adult version (Bobby, Athena, Hen, Karen, Chimney, Maddie, Buck, Eddie, Ravi, Albert, May)

Buck: @Ravi EDDIE THOUGHT WE WERE DATING

Ravi: WHAT

Eddie: CONTEXT BUCK

CONTEXT IS VERY IMPORTANT

[Eddie shared an image]

Ravi: HOW DID YOU GET THAT

Eddie: Oh yeah forgot to tell you oops

Tommy

Ravi: what a dickbag

Maddie: YOURE NOT RIGHT

Buck: FUCK NO

WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR

Ravi: MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW LOW DO YOU THINK MY STANDARDS ARE

Maddie: OH THANK GOD

Athena: Then why the hell were you kissing him?!

Ravi: it was to save him from interacting with t*mmy kinard

Buck: something for which i am eternally grateful but never want to have to think about again 😞🤮

Chimney has saved an image to his camera roll

Chimney: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Buck: CHIM DELETE THAT RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD

Chimney: Not a chance in hell buckaroo 😘

Ravi: buck can we report him to hr for this

Buck: unfortunately that IS the father of my niece and soon-to-be nibling and i would rather my sisters husband keeps his job

groupchat: the buddie support group

Maddie: @Ravi you were on thin, thin ice

Ravi: I GUARUNTEE YOU I HATED THIS SO MUCH MORE THAN THE REST OF YOU

I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR BROTHERS LIPS FELT LIKE

Bobby: This has officially been too much information! –Bobby Nash

Ravi: you are all downplaying my trauma right now

Hen: Genuinley though, HOW have NEITHER of them figured it out yet?!?!

Maddie: I thought that this would be the thing to crack at least Eddie 😞

Chimney: That man is a repression sandwich, I think that it’ll take a bit more than that

[Eddie’s search history]

Notes:

Sorry (but not really) to any Tommy fans out there. He kinda just exists to be an asshole here lmao
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr! :3)

Chapter 4: why cant i have an original experience

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Eddie and Ada

Ada: diaz this is going to sound insane but your fucking doppelganger just walked into the gay bar im at with my wife

like genuinely, i almost did a spit take its so uncanny

like, who the fuck took your dna and cloned you type of uncanny

Eddie: Um.

Okay, so.

Funny story.

Ada: THE FUCK YOU MEAN FUNNY STORY??????

HOW FUCKING LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN EL PASO

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY

WHY IS THIS THE FIRST IM FUCKING HEARING OF IT?????

Eddie: I’m sorry Ada, but maybe I’ve had bigger things to worry about than catching up with childhood friends?!

Ada: BULL FUCKING SHIT
WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT?!?!

Eddie: Maybe the fact that my son and (now ex) girlfriend caught me hugging the actual doppelganger of my dead wife

Causing my son to run away to Texas

Leading me to grow an attrocious mustache and then follow him to Texas

(You know, the place I swore I would only live in again if my parents were to force me to be buried there?)

Leaving behind my best friend who I am only just now realizing that I may be in love with, prompting a sexuality crisis that is 30 years too late

And I have to be an Uber for a living.

So yeah.

I’ve kind of had a lot of shit going on.

Ada: hot damn diaz, and i thought my life was messy

get the fuck over here, i owe you a drink AND i need to introduce you to my wife

groupchat: The A-Shift

Buck: i did not know that much glitter existed in the world

much less in one specific location

Chimney: I think I have glitter lung

Ravi: i have glitter in places glitter should never be

Hen: Oh darn, so sad that today’s my day off!

Hope you boys are having fun! 😁

Chimney: All in favor of glitter bombing Hen’s house, say aye

Aye!

Buck: aye!

Ravi: aye!

Hen: 😡

Ravi: …will not be getting involved, actually

[Eddie’s Instagram Account]

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Buck: killing myself

Ravi: this wouldnt have anything to do with eddies insta post would it

Buck: ravi you dont understand

if he gets a girlfriend out there then he wont want to come back to la

Ravi: uh huh

im sure thats the only reason

Buck: what?

Ravi: someday ull look back on this conversation and it will all make sense

Buck: you confuse me

Ravi: thanks i try!

private messaging: Eddie and Ada

Eddie: Got home safe last night!

Thanks for letting me talk to you about that whole debacle.

And for the drinks.

Ada: dude that was the most interesting tea ive heard in years

i should be thanking you

Eddie: I know what those words mean individually!

But your welcome (?)

Ada: god how old ARE you

Eddie: Literally the same age as you, dickhead.

Ada: no but like

mentally

cause youve gotta be at least 85

Eddie: I have just decided that you and Buck can never meet.

I won't survive it.

Ada: OH WE WILL BE MEETING

AT YOUR FUCKING WEDDING

Eddie: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

DONT GIVE ME HOPE

Ada: IT ISNT HOPE WHEN A PERSON WHO HAS LITERALLY NEVER MET THE MAN NOR SEEN YOU TWO INTERACT CAN CLOCK IT

Eddie: GOODBYE ADA

SEE YOU NEVER

Ada: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

private messaging: Eddie and Christopher

Christopher: whos that lady on your instagram

Eddie: Oh, that’s Ada. She’s an old friend of mine that I ran into.

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: HE TEXTED ME

LIKE AS IN I DIDNT HAVE TO TEXT HIM FIRST

Buck: ACK EDDIE!!!!

THATS HUGE!!!!!!!

OMG IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

private messaging: Eddie and Christopher

Chris: friend as in old childhood friend, or friend as in how you were friends with ms flores?

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Nevermind.

That's the last time I get excited about anything.

Buck: ?????

private messaging: Eddie and Christopher

Eddie: Oh Chris.

Definitely just a friend.

Chris: are you sure?

Eddie: I think that her wife would have something to say about that if it was.

Chris: that didnt stop u with kim

Eddie: Could you come over tonight?

I think that we need to talk.

Chris: cant

i have my chess tournament in hte morning, remember

i ahve to be up super early for it

Eddie: Oh.

When you get back?

Chris: maybe

Eddie: Okay.

Have a good tournament, mijo.

I love you.

groupchat: v-bucks provided by may (May, Harry, Denny, Chrisopher)

Chris: why does my father have to be such a confusing man

Harry: try having three of them

Chris: that just put the image of living with three of my dads into my head

im going to sue you for emotional damage

May: don’t bother, you arent going to get any money out of his broke ass

Denny: LMAO

Harry: why do you have to call me out like that may

May: its revenge for everything you did to me when you were 8-15

Harry: yknow what

fair

Chris: guys seriously tho

help me

im struggling over here

May: has he done anything else?

Chris: no

at least he says that there isnt

Denny: elaborate

Chris: idk

he just posted on insta for the first time in like 9 months

and its this picture of this random lady ive never met

he says that she has a wife and that theres nothing going on

but i just dont trust him anymore

May: okay so as somebody who has actually interacted with eddie as an adult i feel like i should chime in here

i dont think that eddies lying to you, chris

i think that he made a massively fucked up choice and is still dealing with the consequences of that

i dont think that he would do something like that again so soon

ESPECIALLY since i dont think hes thought about anything other than you since hes been in texas

Harry: okay so i know that isnt true

he also thinks about buck

Denny: that doesnt count

Chris: when ISNT that man thinking about buck

May: actually yeah fair point

BUT

i think that now its a 70/30 split instead of a 60/40 split yknow

(chris being the 70 and buck being the 30)

Harry: speaking of buck

i think ive got smth to cheer you up

CHRIS DID YOU HEAR HE BROKE UP WITH FROG FACE

Chris: NO

OMG

WHEN?!

May: like a few weeks ago

Chris: you guys have made my fucking day

next ur gonna tell me he got rid of the stupid loft

those stairs and me have got beef you dont understand

Denny: your day is about to get even better then!

Chris: WAIT HE ACTUALLY GOT RID OF IT

LIKE ACTUALLY

WHAT

DID HE GET FIRED

A PAYCUT

MOVED IN WITH A NEW PARTNER AFTER A WEEK

TELL ME

May: wait chris you dont know???

Chris: know what?!?!?!?!?!!?

Harry: dude buck bought your old house

Chris: GBDSPBG:SDB:DSBG:BSD:GB:KS

WHAT

May: yeah it was a whole thing

apparently buck wanted to surprise your dad by buying it so he called himself freddie fakeman or smth?

idk i just know that chimney wont let him live it down to the point where even hen got a little annoyed at him for it LMAO

Chris: every time i think they cant do anything to be more codependent they do something like this oh my god

Denny: you seriously didnt know?????

i wouldve thought that at least buck wouldve told you

Chris: I mean…

to be fair to buck anytime hes brought up my dad/la i may or may not have stopped responding to him…

Harry: thats on you then

May: HARRY

Harry: IM NOT WRONG

May: YOUR NOT BUT THERE ARE NICER WAYS TO SAY IT

Chris: oh just for that i am going to kick your ass in fortnite

yall want to log on???

Denny: yall

Harry: yall

May: yall

Chris: I LIVE IN TEXAS UR GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO IT

groupchat: The A-Shift

Buck: i am craving ice cream so badly right now 🥺😢☹️

Eddie: Buck, let me introduce you to this wonderful thing called a grocery store.

Buck: bobby wont let us go 😖😭😮‍💨

Bobby: Buck, that’s because we have less than an hour left on shift. We definitely don’t have time for a grocery run right now, sorry kid... –Bobby Nash

Ravi: damn buck made me want ice cream 😔

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Buck: i say we take a hostage

force bobbys hand

Ravi: oooo i like this

who we thinking???

Buck: all im gonna say is that chim’s asleep in the bunk room…

Ravi: oh fuck yeah

he ate the last of the muffins bobby brought this morning

he deserves it

groupchat: The A-Shift

Chimney:

Hen: Chimney why did you let them do this to you 💀

Chimney: WHAT DO YOU MEAN LET

I WAS ASLEEP AND THEY JUST CAME IN AND GRABBED ME

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO

Buck: Our demands are simple.

Ravi: And this is the easiest way to get them met.

Chimney: WHY ARE YOU GUYS TYPING LIKE THAT

Buck: Like what, Howard?

Ravi: This is perfectly normal.

Buck: Mundane, even.

Chimney: I fucking hate this

Im revoking your uncle buck privilages

Buck: Maddie will be on our side.

Ravi: And if she isn’t, that may be the price we have to pay.

Chimney: Somehow this is worse than clipboard buck and I dont know how to feel about that

Eddie: I believe in you Chim.

Somehow you’ll power through this.

Chimney: Says the guy NOT in an active hostage situation

Eddie: Actually, says the guy who has SURVIVED an actual active hostage situation.

Chimney: WHY HAVE ALL OF YOU DONE EVERYTHING

WHY CANT I HAVE AN ORIGINAL EXPERIENCE

Buck: Tik.

Ravi: Tok.

Buck: Tik.

Ravi: Tok.

Buck: Time is running out.

Ravi: And yet.

Buck: Our demands haven’t been met.

Ravi: @Bobby what will it be?

Buck: Ice cream for Ravi and me?

Ravi: Or a fate worse than death for our dear Howie?

Chimney: WHAT DO YOU MEAN A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH?!?!?!?!?!

Bobby: I step away to do paperwork for five minutes and this is what I come back to? –Bobby Nash

Hen: This is pretty par for the course actually

Buck: I scream!

Ravi: Howard screams!

Buck: We all scream!

Ravi: For ice cream!

Bobby: If I have Athena run us some on her way home from work will you boys let Chimney go? –Bobby Nash

Buck: Let us discuss.

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Ravi: WHATS THERE TO DISCUSS

Buck: shhh

i dont want to seem too desperate

Ravi: ooo good point

we agree to the terms tho?

Buck: WHO DO YOU FUCKING TAKE ME FOR

OF COURSE WE DO

Ravi:

groupchat: The A-Shift

Ravi: We agree to your terms.

Chimney: Does that mean you two will stop sitting on me?????

Please????

Hen: LMAO

There’d better be photographic evidence of that oh my god

Buck: Of course there is.

Ravi: Who do you take us for, Hen?

Eddie: Could you two really not think of a better way to restrain him?

Ravi: i mean, we couldve

Buck: this way was more fun tho

Chimney: I think buck is sitting on my spleen

Buck: shut up ya big baby

Eddie: Chim, you survived rebar through the skull. I think that you’ll live.

Chimney: Of course you’re on their side 😒

Buck: of course eddie is on our side!!!

Ravi: why wouldnt he be?

we’re the objectively better side to take

private messaging: Bobby and Athena

Bobby: Any chance you could swing by the station with a pint of ice cream on your way home? There is currently an active hostage situation and that seems to be the only way it can be resolved... –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Love, are you sure that’s an after shift kind of a situation?

Bobby: Yes, because Buck and Ravi are the ones who have taken Chimney hostage until their “demands are met.” 🙄 –Bobby ♥️

Athena: I suppose I can swing by, if only to save our Chimney!! 😆

Bobby: You would not believe the things I have to put up with being their captain. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Oh I think I have some idea 😆🤣

Bobby: Thank you again, dear. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Of course, baby! Be there in 10 ♥️

Bobby: ♥️ –Bobby ♥️

private messaging: Chimney and Maddie

Chimney: I just wanted you to know that your brother values ice cream over my safety

Maddie: Oh lord.

What did he do this time???

Chimney: He and Ravi interrupted my beauty sleep to take me hostage in return for Bobby getting them ice cream

THEY COULDNT FIND ROPE SO THEY SAT ON ME TO RESTRAIN ME

ON TOP OF ONE OF THE FIRE ENGINES TOO

Maddie: Oh Howie…

Chimney: STOP IT

I CAN TELL YOURE TRYING NOT TO LAUGH

BETRAYED BY MY OWN WIFE

Maddie: 😅😂

Guilty as charged!

Chimney: Buck’s ass was digging directly into my kidneys

And Ravi is surprisingly bony

The imprint of your brothers ass is going to be ingrained in my back

I’m happy youre taking pleasure from my pain 😔

Maddie: Well, would it make you feel better if I said that Jee and I have some ice cream with your name on it in the freezer for when you get home??

Chimney: I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT BEING BETRAYED

I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL AMAZING WIFE

I CANNOT WAIT TO COME HOME TO YOU MWAH MWAH MWAH

Maddie: 😆

See you soon, babe! Be safe!!

private messaging: Buck and Christopher

Buck: hey buddy! hope your tournament goes well today!! dont forget to let me know how you do!!!!

Read 10:13 am

Notes:

don't mind the not-so-subtle oc I dropped into the plot here lmao I just needed someone who Eddie could talk to outside of the main crew, hope y'all like her!
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 5: we don't concern ourselves with the thoughts of texans

Notes:

the timeline does not exist in this chapter and I'm not all that sorry about it

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Karen: Happy birthday to my wonderful, amazing, smart, kind wife!!!!!

Love you so much honey, have a good day!!!!

Chimney: DAMN IT KAREN YOU BEAT ME TO IT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karen: YOU BEAT ME LAST YEAR LET ME HAVE THIS

Athena: Happy birthday Hen! Love you to pieces!!

Bobby: Happy birthday, Hen! Make sure to let me know what you’d like for your birthday meal and I’ll get it whipped up in no time! –Bobby Nash

Buck: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🎉🥰🤯🤩🥳

Ravi: happy birthday to the only person on this team with any common sense whatsoever

ngl i wouldve quit a looooong time ago if i had to deal with buck and chimney on my own thanks diva <3

Hen: Awwwww thanks you guys!!!!

Love you all too!

Albert: Happy birthday Hen!

Buck: HE SPEAKS

Albert: I am climbing a mountain right now, give me a break :(

Ravi: AINT NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH

May: AINT NO VALLEY LOW ENOUGH

Buck: AINT NO RIVER WIDE ENOUGH

Ravi: no

u ruined it

Buck: why do you do this to me babygirl 🥺

Ravi: someones gotta keep ya humble babygirl

you should be thanking me actually

preferably with baked goods

Buck: S I G H

the things i do for you babygirl 😔

Ravi: WAIT ACTUALLY

Buck: yeah im gonna be bored after shift anyway lol

Ravi: I LOVE YOU

Chimney: And you two wonder why eddie thought you were dating smh

Ravi: okay so im not here to be called out like that

Eddie: Hey Siri send a message saying happy birthday comma hen exclamation point wait no don’t type exclamation point shit don’t send that

Hey Siri send a message saying wait oh shit. Fuck! Hey asshat don’t cut me off and I won’t honk at you! Wait are you still listening to me

Hey Siri go kill yourself

Buck: having a bit of trouble there eds? 🤣

Hen: Thank you Eddie, but maybe focus on the road before you get yourself killed 😂

Ravi: eddie x siri slow burn enemies to lovers

May: LMAO

today on things i didnt know i needed in my life

Bobby: Do I want to know, May? –Bobby Nash

May: probably not!

Bobby Nash: Then I won’t ask! Have a good day, everyone! –Bobby Nash

Ravi: honestly respect cap noping tf out of that one

groupchat: how tf do we know each other again (Albert, Ravi, May)

Ravi: i like the existance of the term rat bastard because it implies that rats can get married and birth a human child

May: wait now i want to see a rat wedding 🥺

Albert: Now I want to, too! 🥺

Ravi: i mean well get to see one if buck and eddie every pull their heads out of their asses

Albert: LOL

May: noooo i dont want to have to wait until im 80 to see one 😣

…

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: howd the tournament go?????????????????

Eddie: Absolutely terribly! 🎉

Buck: wait what

is that a sarcastic party popper because i genuinely cant tell

are you okay?????

is chris okay?!?!?!

Eddie: Stop panicking Buck

Everyone’s fine

Well, physically at least

Buck: EDDIE THAT IS NOT AS REASSURING AS YOU THINK IT IS

WHAT DO YOU MEAN PHYSICALLY?!?

Eddie: Okay, so basically, I show up, Chris gets sick in the middle of his match because due to anxiety caused by pressure my parents put on him, and long story short, he’s moving back in with me 😎🎉

Buck: WAIT REALLY

Eddie: YES

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER

Buck: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

YOU REALLY DID DAD UP!!!!!

Eddie: HELL YEAH I DID!!!!!

I mean, we’ve still got a while to go before we’re back to how we used to be, but we were able to talk through some stuff in the car, so I think we’re in a decently good spot, all things considered!!!!

Buck: dude im so proud of you

Eddie: Thanks Buck.

Wanna call? Chris wants to say hi (!!!!!)

Buck: YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

[Incoming call from Eddie ]

…

groupchat: buddie support group

Chimney: Tell me why buck just walked into work facetiming eddie, and i go to say hi, and see that theyve been on a call together for 14 HOURS

Maddie: Omg 😭

Ravi: can somebody put them down im being so serious right now

Hen: I’m about ready to do it if they don’t get their act together 😭

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉

Eddie: The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I’m actually almost excited to go be an Uber!

TODAY IS A GREAT DAY!!!

Karen: I sense good news!!!

Athena: Or Eddie’s finally lost it.

Eddie: No, it’s good news

Like, really, really good news!

Wait, what do you mean finally?!

Athena: Don’t worry about it.

What’s the news??

Maddie: Don’t leave us hanging here, Diaz!

Eddie: Chris is moving back in with me!

Athena: That’s amazing, baby!

Maddie: YAY!!!

Karen: THATS THE BEST NEWS IVE HEARD ALL WEEK!!

Eddie: I’m still kind of in shock about it myself honestly

Karen: I hesitate to ask, and feel free to tell me to fuck off if it’s too soon, but does this mean you’re going to start thinking about coming back to LA?

Eddie: I mean, when am I not thinking about coming back to LA?

Athena: Texas is that bad, huh?

Eddie: Oh you don’t know the half of it.

I mean, some parts are good, like Chris, obviously, and reconnecting with people I haven’t seen since I was a teenager.

But, it’s still the same El Paso I never wanted to come back to, you know?

But, as much as I’d like to come back, Chris obviously wants to be here, and I don’t want to uproot him again so soon.

Maddie: I think you should talk to Chris, Eddie.

I doubt he wants to be in a place that’s making you miserable 🥺

Eddie: The whole reason he came here was because I was being selfish, Maddie. I don’t want that to be the reason we go back to LA, too.

Karen: Oh, Eddie.

Athena: I think that the most important thing you can do right now is talk to that boy.

What actually pushed him here was the result of you shoving your own feelings deep down until they exploded out.

Being open and honest with your son is a step to making sure that doesn’t happen again.

Eddie: …

I’ll think about it.

Athena: That’s all I’m asking you to do.

I’m still so happy for you, baby. You’re doing great!

groupchat: v-bucks provided by may

Chris: sigh

Harry: did anyone hear smth? 🤔

Chris: SIGH

Denny: i didnt 🤔

Chris: S I G H

May: mustve been the wind 🤷

Chris: yall come on dont do this to me 😭😭😭

Denny: yall

May: yall

Harry: yall

Chris: PLEASE 😭

Harry: we dont concern ourselves with the thoughts of texans

Chris: so you guys DONT want to know that im moving back in with my dad???

May: YOU ARE?!

Chris: yeah he rescued me from my chess tournament (absolutely hate chess btw if you ever mention it to me again i will never speak to you again) and then we had like a long talk in the car and stuff

he apologized and like… i believed that he was sorry before, but this time i actually believe it, yknow?

May: aww chris im so happy for you guys! im glad things are getting better

Denny: does this mean ur coming back to la 🥺

we miss youuuuu

Chris: idk dude

like dont get me wrong I WANT TO

texas… kinda sucks actually

but like

i dont want to push things with my dad too far too fast

and plus i dont want to make him move away if hes happy here, yknow???

May: ok chris, im going to say this once, ok?

Chris: denny hold my hand im scared

Denny: no way

sorry buddy but my fear of may outweighs my want to hold your hand

Chris: traitor

May: talk to your dad.

Chris: again?!

May: yes again dummy

Chris: guys shes bullying me 😣

Harry: better you than me for once

May: its not bullying when im RIGHT

Chris: uuuuuggggghhhhh

why do i have to be emotionally mature 😞

…

private messaging: Eddie and Christopher

Chris: dad

can i talk to you rq

Eddie: You do realize that I’m only a door and ten steps away from you right?

Chris: shut up

my friends are forcing me to talk to you and i refuse to do it in person so sue me

Eddie: …Oh?

Is everything all right?

I haven’t done anything yet, have I?

Chris: dude ur fine

Eddie: Please don’t call me dude

It feels weird

Chris: okay dude

Eddie: 😔

Actually, I do need to talk to you about something, too.

Multiple somethings, actually, but they’re kind of related.

Chris: GREAT!

you go first

break the tension

then ill go

then youll go

tough conversation sandwich

Eddie: Oh come on

Chris: didnt u just say that you would do anything for me dad?

Eddie: I wouldn’t have said that if I’d known you’d use it to your advantage like this 😔

Chris: get moving old man

we dont have all night

Eddie: OLD MAN?

I’m in my 30’s!!!

Chris: and yet you type like ur in a nursing home already

STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT

Eddie: Fine!

So, I’m going to preface this by saying that I still love you and your mother very much.

Chris: if this is you telling me that you want to/did get back together with kim i reserve the right to punch you in the face and never speak to you again

Eddie: OH GOD NO

No, it’s um.

Kind of the opposite, actually.

Chris: explain.

Eddie: Sorry this is a lot harder to say than I thought it would be.

Okay, here goes.

Chris: dad uve been typing for like 5 minutes

spit it out

Eddie: I’m gay.

Chris: oh

wait like actually

Eddie: I mean, that’s not exactly something that I’d lie about.

Chris: WAIT THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING

Eddie: That doesn’t make me concerned at all

Chris:

Eddie: ???

Think I’ve already beat you to that one

Chris: i know but now ravi owes me 30 bucks

Eddie: Of course he does

So I’m going to take that as you being supportive?

Chris: of course

literally 3/4ths of the people in my life are some flavor of gay

why would you think id be anything BUT supportive?!

Eddie: Anxiety.

Also, Texas.

Chris: actually

yknow what

fair

then here take this

proud of u dad, still love you

and hey, look on the bright side

you will no longer be terrorizing the women of la/el paso!

Eddie: …

I’m gonna take the win and ignore that last part.

Love you too, mijo. Thank you.

Okay, now that that’s over with, what’d you want to talk about Chris?

Chris: ugh

why did i agree to this again

i could just chicken out and may would never know

actually nevermind she has a sixth sense for this stuff shed figure it out

Eddie: We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about mijo.

I’m fine with this just being a tough conversation piece of bread if you aren’t ready.

Chris: no im fine i do want to talk about it im just trying to figure out how to word it right

Eddie: Alright. There’s no rush, kid.

Chris: so.

Eddie: So.

Chris: on a scale of 1 to 10, how do you like living in texas

1 being “omg this is hell on earth” and 10 being “you would have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming”

and be honest

ill know if ur not 🤨

Eddie: Um. I wasn’t really expecting the conversation to take this kind of a turn.

Chris: just answer me dad

Eddie: …honestly?

It would be a 1 if you weren’t here, though.

Chris: WAIT REALLY?!?!

WHYD YOU DECIDE TO MOVE BACK HERE THEN?!?!?!?!

Eddie: To be closer to you, mijo.

I was going insane being in LA without you (just ask Buck)

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try to work things out with you

Chris: …oh

i didnt really think about you moving here like that

Eddie: I am willing to learn how to be okay with staying here if that’s what you want though Chris.

That’s actually what my last thing I was going to talk to you about was.

I’m willing to do whatever you need to do.

Chris: …and if i were to say that i also thought of texas as a 2/10?

Eddie: …Then I’d ask you if you wanted to move back to LA.

Chris: can we?

please?

Eddie: Of course we can.

I’d be willing to drop everything and leave right now if that’s what you wanted.

Chris: could we?

leave as soon as possible i mean

Eddie: Well we’d have to get most of our stuff packed first, and my friend Ada’s wife is a realtor and would help us sell the place remotely if I asked, but I’d still have to ask first.

We’d also have to get online school figured out for you until we can transfer you back, but that should be pretty easy.

Why don’t we plan for the end of the week?

Chris: that works for me

i cant wait to go home

Eddie: Me neither, kid.

Me neither.

private messaging: Ravi and Christopher

[ Chris shared a screenshot]

Chris: pay tf up 😎

Ravi: le sigh

Chris: mr moneybags over here acting like he doesnt own multiple apartment buildings

Ravi: i hate that ur old enough to start using that against me 😞

take ur money

Chris: pleasure doing business with you 🤝

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Maddie: You’re baking again.

Buck: how teh fuck do you know that

Maddie: Chim literally just brought home about 20 muffins from the station.

Buck: so?!

a guy can bake

Maddie: Yes he can, but YOU tend to bake when something’s going on in your head.

So, spill!

Buck: UGH

ur the worst

i hate having a sister

Maddie: No you don’t ☺️

Buck: yeah no ur right

Maddie: Like usual!

Buck: 🖕

Maddie: ♥️

Seriously though, Evan. Talk to me.

Buck: im just really missing eddie and chris rn

like worse than i was when you had to talk me out of buying a plane ticket

Maddie: Oh sweetheart

Buck: i talk with them literally almost every day! that should be enough!

but its NOT

i want to be able to be there with them to celebrate and help make things easier and help them fix things

but instead im stuck here in la while theyre 10 hours and 3 states away

Maddie: I mean…

You don’t have to be that far away.

Buck: are you trying to get me to move to el paso?

Maddie: NO!

Of course not!

I’m just saying that you could still go visit them!

Buck: mads you know that i cant buy a plane ticket right now

Maddie: Who said anything about a plane ticket?

Buck: what?

Maddie: You have your jeep, and its not like you haven’t driven that far before.

The gas would be a lot cheaper than a two-way plane ticket, you have a 48 off this weekend, and a lot of vacation days saved up on top of that!

Plus, it’s not like Eddie would ever turn you away.

I think it would be good for all of you.

Buck: maddie have i ever told you that youre a genius and i love you so fucking much

Maddie: I mean, you have, but I don’t mind hearing it again 😉

Buck: dont tell anybody tho

im gonna surprise them

Maddie: 🤫🙉

Notes:

Hope you guys enjoyed this resolution, more lighthearted stuff is right around the corner! Thank you guys for all the support so far, I'm really glad people are enjoying this!!
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 6: your dad is such a passenger princess

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Eddie and Bobby

Eddie: Any chance there’s still a spot open for me at the 118?

Bobby: Of course. I meant it when I said that you would always have a place here. –Bobby Nash

Eddie: Thanks Bobby.

Bobby: Does this mean what I think that it means? –Bobby Nash

Eddie: 😉

Can you keep this between us until I come back, though?

I want to surprise everyone!

Bobby: Of course, kid. Can’t wait to have you back! –Bobby Nash

private messaging: Bobby and Buck

Buck: heyyyyy cap

yknow how i have a bunch of vacation days saved up?

Bobby: Oh I am very aware. –Bobby

Buck: right

well, im gonna need to use like. at least 4 or 5 of them after my 48 off

Bobby: Oh? Should I be concerned? –Bobby

Buck: nah just going to go surprise eddie and chris :D

Bobby: Alright. Just remember to keep me updated. –Bobby

Buck: will do, thanks cap ur the best!!!!

groupchat: the buddie support group

Bobby: Something is brewing. –Bobby Nash

Hen: Oh?

Ravi: thats not ominous at all

…

groupchat: dont tell eddie (Buck, Bobby, Maddie, Hen, Ravi)

Buck: hour 1 of the road trip is done!

Ravi: pause

why are you going on a road trip

Buck: oh oops

knew i forgot to do smth

i thought that it was just like forgetting to lock the back door

Maddie: Excuse me.

Want me to go check that for you on my way home?

Buck: would you please 🥺

Maddie: Will do

What would you do without me

Buck: get robbed probably

Ravi: hold on

you never answered me

where the fuck are you going

Buck: el paso!

Ravi: why am i not surprised

Hen: I’m only surprised it didn’t happen sooner tbh

Buck: rude 😒

anyway im just stopping at a gas station for some snacks real quick and then im gonna be back on my way

Bobby: Drive safe, kid. Are you going to be stopping at all on your way? –Bobby Nash

Buck: as much as id like to just drive the whole thing i think my bad leg may actually fall off of my body if i try to

im gonna be stopping in phoenix for the night before heading out early in the morning

hoping to be in el paso around noon tomorrow 🤞

Ravi: bring me back a cowboy hat

Buck: not even a please? wow 🙄

i see how it is

Ravi: we’re beyond pleases

you know you were gonna get if for me anyway dont even

Buck: why am i friends with you again

Ravi: i ask myself that question every day of my life 😊

groupchat: v-bucks provided by may

Chris: i hate my dads new car so much

Harry: sucks to suck

Chris: 🖕

we’re going for a long drive right now and i think my butts going to be imprinted into the seat by the time were done

May: thats rough buddy

Denny: where are you guys going??????

Chris: just going to see some family

we’ve gotta make it to phoenix by tonight or else i think my dad might lose it

Harry: huh i didnt know you guys had family in phoenix

Chris: oh yeah some of my moms family lives there

May: oooo that’ll be fun!

Chris: haha yeah

guys i did not know my dad hated driving this much

hes sworn at like every car weve passed while white knuckling the wheel

May: being an uber driver will do that to you

Chris: yeah my dad says that im not allowed to sit in the back seat until he can get the car deepcleaned lmao

(which wont be a problem once we get to la because im sure once we get there im never stepping foot in a car that isnt bucks again)

Harry: ur dad is such a passenger princess

Chris: dont even get me started

…

groupchat: don’t tell eddie

Buck: FINALLY at the motel

this may be one of the most boring drives ive ever done

Bobby: Where are you staying? –Bobby Nash

Buck: heres the link to their website

Ravi: dude

that place looks straight out of a stephen king book

Buck: its not THAT bad

Hen: Buck, Chim would never speak to you again if he knew you spent the night there

Buck: okay but thats chim, he would “never speak to me again” if i spilled salt and didnt throw it over my shoulder

Maddie: That’s true actually

One time when we first started dating, a black cat crossed in front of me, and he got so freaked out that I was a little bit concerned that he was going to break up with me

Bobby: Is that place up to code? Because it doesn’t look all that up to code. –Bobby Nash

Buck: look guys ill be fine

ive stayed in way worse places before and look at me, im fine!

Ravi: are we sure about that?

Buck:

okay bye guys im going to go check into my PERFECTLY FINE motel

Maddie: Stay safe!

Ravi: say hi to the bed bugs for me!!

groupchat: v-bucks provided by may

Chris: guys we just pulled up to the motel we’re staying at and it genuinely looks so haunted

like “murdered in my sleep and spend the rest of eternity trapped here” type of haunted

Denny: pls dont get murdered

Harry: i dont think chris has all that much control over whether or not that happens

Chris: oh dont even say that when i have to sleep there tonight 😫

May: i dont think ur dad would go anywhere that would hurt you chris

Chris: he would if it was the cheapest option 😒

private messaging: Eddie and Christopher

Eddie: Alright, we’re all checked in. Come meet me inside, and don’t forget to lock the truck.

Chris: cant believe you left me out here to get kidnapped in the middle of the night

Eddie: Weren’t you the one who told me you wanted to meet me inside?

Chris: yeah but that was before i processed how creepy this place is

Eddie: You’ll be fine.

Chris: will I????

Eddie: It’ll build character. Hurry up!

Chris: if i get murdered, im blaming you

Eddie: Feel free. I’ll put it on your headstone and everything.

“Christopher Diaz: I was right”

Chris: as it should

omw

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: maddie

maddie i think that i just saw chris in the parking lot

Maddie: WHAT?!

Is Eddie with him?!

Buck: i dont see him!!!!

Maddie: And you’re sure that it’s Chris?????

Buck: maddie id know that anywhere

Maddie: Then why is he in Phoenix?!

Buck: I DONT KNOW!!!!!

Maddie: Do you think he ran away?

Buck: i mean

its possible

he did it once when he was like 9ish

Maddie: Okay, so it’s possible.

I think you need to go talk to him Buck.

Figure out what’s going on, then contact Eddie.

Buck: yeah

yeah good idea

private messaging: Buck and Christopher

Buck: hey chris

Chris: hey buck

whats up

Buck: just wanted to check and make sure that everythings okay

Chris: uh yeah

why wouldnt it be??

Buck: just making sure that your dad hasnt done anything stupid

well

more stupid than usual

Chris: no?

do you know something i dont???

Buck: NO

im just making sure

Chris: buck youre being super weird right now

Buck: why are you in the parking lot of a random phoenix motel?????

Chris: …how do you know that

Buck: turn around

Chris: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!?!?!!?!!?!!

Buck: I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU THE SAME THING!!!!!

Chris: okay ill explain but get over here first

Buck: omw!!!

Chris: i literally see you running towards me you dork

private messaging: Eddie and Christopher

Eddie: Hey, you’re taking a while, everything okay?

You haven’t actually been murdered, right?

Chris: as much as id like the i told you so, im fine

could u come out here for a sec tho?

Eddie: What’s wrong?

Did something happen?

Did you see something?

Chris: dad stop panicking

just trust me

its nothing bad i promise

Eddie: …If I come out there and get a water balloon to the face, you’re grounded for a month.

Chris: hurry up old man!

Eddie: I’m 33!!!

Chris: id believe that if you werent moving at 95 year old woman speed!

pick it up granny!

Eddie: Okay, okay, I’m coming!

Whatever happened to respecting your elders, jeez!

[Chris’s camera roll]

[ Video starts:

Buck standing in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere. He keeps glancing between the camera and somewhere out of frame and is shifting his weight from foot to foot nervously.

Chris, giggling from behind the camera: This is like those videos of dogs reuiniting with their owners when they return from war!

Buck, turning to face the camera fully, eyes opening comically wide and a look of despair crossing his face: Oh god Chris, don’t even say that. I’m already this close to tears, that is not helping.

Buck’s attention is drawn back offscreen. The camera pans shakily over to a motel door, opening to reveal Eddie.

Eddie, who hasn’t seen either of them yet: Chris, what’s-

He cuts himself off when his eyes land on Buck, freezing in place while his jaw drops to the floor. The camera pans so that both Buck and Eddie are in frame.

Buck, waving awkwardly with a massive grin: Hey, Eddie. Fancy seeing you here.

Eddie continues to stare at him in shock.

Chris: I think we broke him, Buck.

Buck turns to the camera wide-eyed, looking a little bit afraid that they actually did.

Chris still giggling a little, turns the camera back towards Eddie, who is still frozen, gripping the doorknob tightly: Uh, Dad? You going to say anything?

Eddie turns towards Chris, blinking, before turning back to Buck. He takes a single step forwards, then two, and then he’s sprinting towards them. The camera tilts slightly to show Buck, who has begun to run towards Eddie as well.

Eddie practically leaps into Buck’s arms, both of them laughing and gripping each other tightly.

Eddie, his voice muffled by Buck’s shirt: How are you HERE?!

Buck, gripping him tighter with a joyful laugh: I was gonna come visit, but I guess we had the same idea!

Chris, pretending to retch in the background: Ugh, you guys are so gross!

Buck and Eddie pull away slightly, looking at each other with matching mischevious grins before reaching out towards the camera. Chris yells with faux outrage as he’s dragged into their embrace, the camera going wild before settling against somone’s shirt, darkening the screen.

Buck, his voice obscured but is still audibly a bit choked up: I love you guys so much.

Video ends. ]

Notes:

The boys are back together! I've been looking forward to this chapter since before I started writing the first chapter, hope y'all enjoy!
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 7: i'm still not convinced this isn't a coma dream

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: i cant believe that ur really here

like im still not fully convinced that this isnt another coma dream

Eddie: I know, Buck.

You’ve only been saying that for the past two hours lol.

Buck: ew get ur proper punctuation and grammar away from me

Eddie: No. ♥️

Buck: dickhead ♥️

thanks again for letting me stay in ur motel room with u guys btw

(even if that means that we have to text instead of talk so we dont wake up chris)

Eddie: Buck, you literally took over my house so I wouldn’t have to worry about it! Paying for a motel room for one night is not that big of a deal.

Buck: still

Eddie: Still nothing. It’s all good, Buck.

Plus, we both know that even if you did get your own room, you would’ve just came to ours to hang out until you fell asleep anyway

Buck: …you didnt have to call me out like that jeez

Eddie: You’re my best friend, it’s my job to call you out.

Buck: having a best friend is overrated anyway 😒

Eddie: Says the guy who was willing to drive 10 hours to suprise me cause you missed me so much 😏

Buck: and i regret it more every minute

HEY DONT KICK ME

Eddie: Oh shut up you big baby, I barely touched you 🙄

You’re going to wake Chris

Buck: yeah but ur COLD ASS TOES DID

Eddie: HEY DON’T KICK ME BACK ASSHOLE

Buck: yOuRe GoINg to WaKE ChRiS

Eddie: DON’T KICK ME AGAIN

I ONLY KICKED YOU ONCE

AND YOU DEFINITELY KICKED ME HARDER THAN I KICKED YOU YOU DICK

Buck: i dont get even

i get revenge

Eddie: We are such children

Buck: who you calling we?

I am acting like a perfectly rational adult thank you very much

Eddie: God I missed you so much

Buck: you have no idea eds

Eddie: I think that I might have some idea

Buck: maybe

alright im exhausted and i may as well enjoy being the bed

might be the last time i get to for a while

Eddie: What do you mean?

Buck: well you guys are moving back in and there’s only two bedrooms

obviously chris gets his and you can have your back

Eddie: Buck I’m not kicking you out of your bed.

Buck: you wouldnt be?

its basically your bed anyway

your bedroom at least

and its not like im gonna make you sleep on the couch

Eddie: Why not? You sleep on it all the time.

Buck: yeah and thats why i know that your old man back couldnt take it

Eddie: Okay so I am only 3 years older than you.

Buck: not the point!

the point is that im already used to sleeping on your couch anyway

and i dont think youve slept on a couch a day in your life

plus ill be fine itll only be until i can get a new place

Eddie: Buck nobody’s sleeping on the couch.

Buck: eddie might i remind you

two bedrooms

and we are NOT kicking chris out of his room either

Eddie: Do I look like I’m trying to drive him back to Texas?!

No, what I’m SAYING is that you could just share my room.

Buck: What?

Really???

Eddie: I mean, it’s not like we haven’t done it before.

We’re doing it right now, actually.

Buck: that’s different!!!

Eddie: Is it?

Is it really?

Plus, you said it yourself, it’ll only be until you’re able to find a new place.

We probably will have shared a bed longer during Covid than we will now.

Buck: you dont think that its weird now?

Eddie: Why would it?

Buck: i mean now that im bi

not that i wasnt before!

but now that ive realized it id understand if it would make you feel… awkward

Eddie: Buck, remember when you came out to me and I said that nothing will change between us?

Buck: yeah

Eddie: Well, I meant it. You were my best friend then, and you’re my best friend now. There’s nothing you could do that would change that, or make me feel “awkward”

Buck: thanks eddie

Eddie: So? What do you say?

Buck: yeah

yeah sure!

Eddie: Alright, well, now that that’s sorted, good night Buck.

Buck: night eds

…

private messaging: Eddie and Ada

Eddie: ADA

SOS

Ada: eddie what the fuck warrants you texted me at 7 in the goddamn morning

Eddie: I OFFERED TO SHARE A BED WITH BUCK

Ada: you did WHAT

WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS TO YOURSELF

Eddie: I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FINE

WEVE DONE IT BEFORE

Ada: UH YEAH BEFORE YOU REALIZED THAT YOU CAUGHT FEELINGS

Eddie: YEAH WELL THIS IS ALSO TEH FIRST TIME IVE WOKEN UP TO HIM SPOONING ME

Ada: oh my god

and you STILL think he doesnt have feelings for you?!?!?!?!!?!

Eddie: NOPE NOT EVEN GOING THERE

WHAT DO I DO

Ada: just lay back and enjoy it diaz

let me go back to sleep

so i can cuddle with my wife

BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY ADMITTED WE HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER

night moron!!!

Eddie: ADA WAIT

DONT LEAVE ME

Ada: hope you enjoy your first taste of gay panic!!!

Eddie: HOW AM I GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS FOR THE NEXT COUPLE MONTHS

Ada: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A ONE TIME THING

Eddie: IT WAS UNTIL I REALIZED THAT IT WOULD BE EASIER THAN MAKING ONE OF US SLEEP ON THE COUCH

Ada: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

Eddie: CATHOLIC GUILT

Ada: yknow what this is way above my paygrade

good luck diaz

sounds like ur gonna need it

Eddie: I hate you so much

Ada: right back atcha 😘

…

private messaging: Buck and Maddie

Maddie: What happened with Chris last night?!

Is everything okay???

Buck: better than okay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maddie: ????

I’m going to need more of an explanation than that, Evan Buckley.

Buck: okay so first off, don’t tell chim what i’m about to tell you

turns out it was chris

BUT IT WASNT JUST CHRIS

Maddie: WHAT!!

Buck: YES!!!!

EDDIE WAS WITH HIM!!!!

THEY’RE COMING HOME MADDIE!!!!!

Maddie: Oh my gosh Buck! 🥹

That’s amazing!!!!

What are the chances of you guys picking the same motel?!

Buck: probably pretty good cause we’re both broke and chose the cheapest one lmao

Maddie: Fair enough 😂

What happened after you guys reunited???

Buck: well we just decided to share a room since eddie had already payed for his

now were just eating some breakfast before we hop in our cars and go back to la

chris is gonna drive with me for half of it then drive with eddie for the rest

Maddie: So I’m guessing that since you don’t want me to tell Chim it’s still going to be a surprise???

Buck: yep!!

theyre all going to be just getting off shift when we get back so were going to swing by the station

Maddie: Oh Howie’s going to have a heart attack!!!

Buck: i know!!!

i cant wait to be home

Maddie: Weren’t you just there yesterday?

Buck: yeah but it wasnt really home without them

now it will be

Maddie: 👀

Buck: dont be like that maddie

its not like that

Maddie: I never said that it was!

Buck: suuuuuuuure you didn’t

anyway were going to get going

Maddie: Alright alright, I can take a hint!

Drive safe, Ev

Buck: will do

see you soon mads

groupchat: the buddie support group

Maddie: Bobby was right.

Something has shifted.

Ravi: why are you people all so ominous what the hell

…

groupchat: The A-Shift

Hen: @Buck why’s your Jeep in the parking lot???

Bobby: Is everything alright, kid? –Bobby Nash

Chimney: You do realize that when you take vacation days you dont actually have to come into work right?

Buck: ha ha chim youre sooooo funny

anyway just come into the station

Bobby: Aren’t you supposed to be in Texas? Did something happen? –Bobby Nash

Chimney: THATS WHERE YOU WERE????

Ravi: yeah chim this is old news get with the program omg 🙄

Chimney: Im going to ask maddie to disown you

Eddie: Buck you were coming to Texas and you turned around? I’m hurt, honestly. 😟

Buck: 🖕

i changed my mind

im kicking you out

go back to texas loser

Eddie: You can’t get rid of me that easily.

LA’s more my style anyway

Hen: EDDIE?!

Chimney: WHAT

Ravi: YOURE BACK?!?!?!!?

SINCE WHEN?!?!!?!?!?!

Eddie: About 20 minutes ago when we pulled up and you were all on call

Hen: DID YOU KNOW THIS WHOLE TIME BUCK???

Buck: nope!

met by chance at the haunted motel

Bobby: It’s good to have you back, Eddie! –Bobby Nash

Hen: Now get down here!!!

Buck: coming!!!

Ravi: you all make me sick

groupchat: how tf do we know each other again

Ravi: guess who isnt replacement eddie anymore 😎

Albert: You got fired?! 😱

May: what did you do?!?!

Ravi: NO!
why is that the first thing you guys jumped to 😭

May: idk it seems plausible 🤷

Ravi: no eddies just come back from texas

May: WHAT

NEITHER HE OR CHRIS HAVE TOLD ME THAT WHAT THE HELL

THE DIAZES AND I ARE GOING TO BE HAVING WORDS ABOUT THAT

Ravi: damn i didnt know u and eddie were close like that

May: he was my work bestie back when i worked at dispatch

we kept each other sane

he was like my little pet millenial it was great

i miss his mr lafd twitter man era 😞

Albert: Eddie knows what Twitter is?

Ravi: im as shocked as you are

groupchat: the buddie support group

Ravi: soooo…

now that theyre back…

how long do we think its gonna take

Hen: Those morons?

At least another 4 or 5 months

Karen: Hmmm I don’t know

They may be closer than you’d think

Bobby: They are going to be living with each other… –Bobby Nash

Chimney: You guys have wayyyyyy too much faith

Athena: Want to bet?

Chimney: Yknow what Athena? Yes. Yes I would.

Hen: Count me in!!

Win #2 is coming my way 😊

Maddie: Don’t count me out! I have insider Buck information, I bet I could tell you guys the exact minute it’ll happen

Chimney: Oooo getting cocky there, babe

Maddie: Is it cocky, or are you just too chicken to admit that you’re right???

Ravi: 🫢

are we doing this????

Athena: Yes, yes we are.

Bobby: It’ll be nice to be on the other side of this this time! –Bobby Nash

Ravi: wait wait wait hold on one sec

groupchat: how tf do we all know each other again

Ravi: BUCK AND EDDIE BET GOING DOWN YALL IN

Albert: Eh why not 🤷

May: …is my mother theoretically apart of this bet???

Ravi: yep

May: then hell yeah

im going to beat her so bad

shes not going to know what hit her

groupchat: the buddie bet (Bobby, Athena, Hen, Karen, Chimney, Maddie, Ravi, Albert, May)

Ravi: welcome 😊

Hen: …And why, exactly, do we need a separate groupchat for this?

Ravi: for albert and may

obviously

Albert: Obviously

May: obviously

Chimney: Since when do you all know each other????

Ravi: we dont know either!

Albert: I think that they gaslit me into thinking I was friends with them and it worked

May: theyre both rich and are willing to buy me coffee 🤷

Ravi: nice to know how much we mean to you may 😔

Notes:

would this really be a buddie chat fic if there wasn't a bet about them lmao
bonus points to anyone who can guess whose going to win already 👀👀👀
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 8: i had to do MATH for this

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: the buddie bet

Karen: How much are we going to be betting btw???

Just want to know how broken the rest of your banks are going to be 😉

Bobby: Well, if we were to pool money from previous bets made on them, along with adding $50.00 each, the total would add up to $2,000. –Bobby Nash

Maddie: TWO THOUSAND?!?!?!?!

Ravi: HOW MANY OTHER BETS HAVE THERE BEEN!?!?!

Hen: Many.

Chimney: Trust me, it’s better not to know.

Athena: That that is a pretty decent chunk of change! Sounds good to me!

May: same omg

Ravi: alright now we should set some ground rules

May: when did u become the bet master

Ravi: since i made the groupchat 😒

now pls shut up unless u want to be on topic ☺️

Bobby: Now you know how I feel in the work groupchat… –Bobby Nash

Ravi: shhhhh

Hen: I know you didn’t just shush cap LMAO

Ravi: :DHVBPSDBVPDSB SORRY BOBBY

FORGOT WHO YOU WERE FOR A SEC

Chimney: He becomes more and more like Clipboard Buck every day

Hen: They grow up so fast

Bobby: It won’t be long before he breaks out the chainsaw. Buck will be so proud. –Bobby Nash

Ravi: BOBBY NO 😭

I SAID I WAS SORRY

ANYWAYS

RULES????

Athena: No telling them about the bet.

I want to say that this should be an unspoken one, but I know yall, so I know it has to be written down.

Chimney: You wound me Athena 🥺

Youre not wrong

But you wound me 😞

Hen: You can only win if they awknowledge each other as boyfriends/partners/whatever, not just if you catch them kissing or something.

I genuinely do not trust them not to start platonically kissing because Buck discovered that it has health benefits or something 🙄

May: REAL

Maddie: No meddling/encouragement either!

This includes locking them in a room together, setting them up on blind dates with each other, point blank telling them that they love each other, etc.

Nothing that happens can be a direct result of anything we do, that wouldn’t be fair to them. They deserve to come together on their own terms.

(cough Howie cough)

Chimney: Catching strays from my own wife 😭

Hen: Chim, don’t even. We all know if that rule wasn’t specified you’d be calling Buck to tell him that Eddie died 🤨

Chimney: THAT WAS ONE TIME

Karen: ONE TIME TOO MANY!!!

Bobby: What if one of them were to come to one of us for advice? –Bobby Nash

Ravi: ghost them

Maddie: Oooo that’s tricky 😬

I say that you have to give them the same advice that you would’ve given them in any other circumstance, no fudging details or anything to try and get them to confess in your time window.

Hen: When in doubt, consult with this groupchat, unless it’s breaking some serious privacy boundries!

Ravi: speaking of which, if anybody catches them doing anything sus (holding hands, googly eyes, whatever) let us know

Albert: Why is that necessary?

Ravi: im nosy

plus then itll give people an idea of how close/far they are from winning

Karen: Sounds good to me! 😁

Albert: What parameters is the bet going to be won around? Is it the day they reveal that they’re dating, or the day they actual start dating?

Ravi: day they start dating, unless we cant pry that info out of them

Bobby: Either way, I think that the person who guessed the day they reveal their relationship should get their $50.00 back. –Bobby Nash

Ravi: ooo good idea cap

Chimney: How many days are we getting Rav?

Ravi: okay so i did the math and if we’re going individual bets (i refuse to do the math for couples) we’re all getting a 6 day window

(i am only doing two months for right now because i cannot be bothered to do any more than that)

theres five extra days at the end so im gonna say that those will be combined for the couples + albert may and i, with one extra day at the end that we can figure out what to do with if/when we get there

if it lands on one of the shared days, you guys can go, like, duke it out in a Denny’s parking lot idc

give me a sec and ill make a calander so we have a visual aid

Maddie: Thanks for figuring that out Ravi!

You’re the best!!

Ravi: im really not because why am i so invested in my coworkers love lives that im willing to put in actual hours into making this 💀

ive done MATH for this

MATH

May: we appreciate your sacrifices ravi

Ravi: i dont wanna hear your sarcasm may

also @Everyone send me what week u want in dms its first come first serve

WHY HAVE I GOTTEN 20 NOTIFICATIONS IN THE LAST 15 SECONDS OH MY GOD

anyways heres the final bets + rules 🤪

May: canva hates to see you coming

i think you missed your calling as a graphic designer

Karen: Ravi WHAT are those photos 😭

Chimney: WHY IS THAT THE PHOTO YOU USE FOR ME

SURELY THAT TOOK YOU WAY LONGER THAN IT WOULD HAVE TO JUST USE A DIFFERENT PHOTO

Ravi: yeah but it wouldnt be as funny 🙄

Maddie: Oh that is for sure going on our Christmas cards this year 😆

Albert: I think that the better question is where he got those photos

Ravi I know for a fact I have never sent that photo to anyone how do you have that

Ravi: i have my ways 😊

Hen: I think that the best question is why the only person on there (other than Ravi) who has a good photo is May 🤨

Ravi: she scares me

Athena: As she should!

Ravi: also i dont think a single bad photo of her exists (albert and i have both tried to take many and have failed every time)

private messaging: Hen and Karen

Hen: Babe you have way too much faith in those two 😭

Karen: IM SORRY!!!

I got the last spot cause i was at work 😭

Hen: It’s alright, honey

I think that I scored us a pretty good spot anyway

And hey, maybe dumbass and dumbasser are less dumb than we think they are

Karen: Well now you’ve jinxed it

Hen: Damn it 😓

groupchat: how tf do we all know each other again

May: RAVI IM CRYING

MADDIE LOOKS SO UNIMPRESSED BY CHIMS FAIRY PRINCESS OUTFIT 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Albert: Biblically accurate Madney

May: omg albert ur using a meme AND a ship name?????

im so proud of you 😭😭😭

Ravi: is this what it feels like to send ur son to kindergarten?

May: probably

Albert:

Ravi: anyways we’re all splitting the money right

May: obvi

we get 3x chance of winning its the smartest move

Albert: Plus all the couples will be splitting the money anyway

It’s only fair

May: oooo we could get an airbnb together at laguna beach if we win

Ravi: yessssss

Albert: That would be amazing!

Ravi: this is why we’re all friends 😌

private messaging: Ravi and Chimney

Chimney: I just wanted you to know that Maddie showed Jee that photo you edited of me and now she won’t stop calling me Princess Papa

I hope you’re happy

Ravi: you have just made me even happier 😇

…

groupchat: The A-Shift

Buck: @Eddie

Eddie

Eddie when are you coming back

Eddie

Eds

Ravi: SOME of us are trying to sleep buck

move this over to dms

Buck: no

Eddie: Buck it is midnight

Go to bed

Buck: but I miss you ☹️💔

Hen: THIS is why you’re blowing all of our phones up in the middle of the night?!
GO TO BED

Eddie: Your shift is over in like six hours

You can see me then

Buck: when will you come back to work tho 🥺

Eddie: One more week Buck.

I’ve told you this.

Buck: thats so far away tho 😭

Bobby: Buck, Eddie, please move this to your private messages. It isn’t fair to the rest of us who want to sleep. –Bobby Nash

Buck: turn ur phones on dnd jeez

Bobby: Buck. –Bobby Nash

Buck: UGH FINE

you all hate me

this is homophobia

Ravi: yes it is

against you specifically

Buck: im gonna block you

Ravi: its cute that you think thats a threat

good.

night.

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: im being silenced

Eddie: Sure you are.

Buck: not u too eddie 😢

i thought u loved me

Eddie: I do love you Buck.

I just love sleeping more.

Buck: oh sorry

Eddie: Hey, no, I was kidding.

I don’t mind.

What’s got you up so late anyway?

Buck: insomnia 😞

my brain is going at like 100 mph and everytime i close my eyes it just goes faster

Eddie: Oof, I’m sorry.

Buck: its alright im used to it i just want to focus on smth other than my thoughts

Eddie: Want to just talk about something?

I know that that always helps you.

Buck: …youd do that?

Eddie: Of course Buck.

What do you want to talk about?

Buck: could we talk abt u???

Eddie: Buck, you already know pretty much everything about me

Buck: idc 🙄

i just refuse to have the focus on me rn

Eddie: What about me do you want to talk about??

Buck: uhhh idk

howre things going with that girl from texas????

Eddie: What girl?

Buck: that one on ur insta???

Eddie: Buck.

I am NOT dating Ada

My (very, very gay) childhood friend

Who is also married.

To a woman.

Buck: ohhhhh

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Buck: we are so back

Ravi: yes buck you are back in la

what an astute observation

GO TO BED

Buck:

Ravi:

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: I cannot believe that that is the second time I’ve had to explain that 💀

Buck: okay so that was a reasonable assumption

Eddie: Was it though???

Was it really?????

Buck: OBVIOUSLY if im the second person who had to ask!!!!!

…eddie??

Eddie: Sorry I feel asleep for a sec

Do you want to just call until one of us falls asleep?

Buck: yes pls

ive already been kicked out of the bunkroom for being too fidgety anyway lol

[Incoming call from Eddie ]

…

groupchat: the buddie bet

[ Ravi shared a screenshot of Buck’s messages last night.]

Ravi: WHY IS HE LIKE THIS

Hen: That’s nothing compared to how we found Buck this morning.

[Image attached: Buck is asleep on the roof, curled up next to his phone where he and Eddie (who is also still visibly asleep) are still on call.]

Bobby: Every day I ask myself whether them getting together would actually be worth all the paperwork. –Bobby Nash

Notes:

Did I spend at least 4 hours on those graphics? Yes, yes I did. Are those 4 hours I can never get back? Definitely. Do I regret it? Not at all
(Also, I didn't create the fairy princess Chim photo. I found it on Pinterest, but I cannot for the life of me find it again, so thanks to whoever made it lol)
((Also also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3))

Chapter 9: ✨Tabitha✨

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: two dumbasses and their impulse control (Hen, Chimney, Buck)

Buck: GUYS

Hen: Oh no…

Chimney: Nothing good ever comes from Buck starting a conversation like that

Buck: you all hate me and want me to die

Chimney: No I don’t

Mostly because Maddie would be sad

Buck: ANYWAY

i took a shift for a b-shifter because i am cool and kind and awesome like that and LOOK WHO WE RESCUED

Chimney: What an…

Interesting…

…Face

Buck: you just dont know tabitha like i do

we’ve bonded in ways that you couldnt begin to comprehend

Hen: Oh shove off Chimney she’s adorable

Buck: THANK YOU

at least someone agrees with me 😒

Hen: How’d you meet her???

Buck: we got a call about a locked dumpster cause someone thought they heard a lady screaming inside

turns out it was just ✨Tabitha✨

Chimney: Of course you pick up a dumpster cat

Buck: fuck you tabitha is more than a dumpster cat

Hen: And Tabitha doesn’t have an owner looking for her???

Buck: nope we checked with a few of the people who live nearby and they said that shes a stray thats hung around there for the past year or so

im gonna bring her to the vet in a few days to make sure she isnt microchipped or anything tho but we’re pretty sure she was a stray cause she was kinda dirty

(bobby made me spray her lightly with the hose and i still feel bad abt it)

Hen: Oh?

Is the Buckley-Diaz household gaining a new pet??? 👀

Buck: idk i gotta ask eddie first

probably should do that now now that i think abt it cause bobbys only letting me keep her here until the end of shift

Hen: Good luck!! Can’t wait to meet her!!!!

Chimney: I can

But I hope Eddie says yes cause otherwise i KNOW you’ll manage to con Bobby into making her a firehouse cat

Buck: shhh thats plan h

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: thoughts on cats???

Eddie: Blegh

Buck: …noted

groupchat: two dumbasses and their impulse control

Buck: eddie doesnt like cats 😞

Hen: Oh no!!

Chimney: It’s probably just because he has too much in common with them

Buck: THATS WHAT IM SAYING

anyway

time for plan b to commence

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: so theoretically what would you say if i asked you to watch a cat for me for a week or two while i try to convince eddie to let me keep her???

Maddie: Theoretically I would say yes as long as you come by to scoop the litter box

Buck: YAY YIPEE I LOVE YOU MADDIE

this is ✨Tabitha✨

Maddie: Oh she’s ADORABLE!!

How could Eddie refuse that face???

Buck: he doesnt like cats 😞💔

Maddie: I’m shocked that he actually said no to you

Buck: …well

Maddie: …You didn’t even ask him did you

Buck: …not in so many words

i just want him to actually want her and not just want her cause i want her

Maddie: I don’t think you’d need to worry about that with Eddie

His wants are your wants and your wants are his wants

Buck: i KNOW but STILL

also can you let me be teh one to tell chim that hes getting a new roommate

Maddie: I suppose

Buck: YAY

groupchat: two dumbasses and their impulse control

Buck: Chim!!!

Chimney: What now.

Buck: you’ve got a new roommate!!!

Chimney: NO

YOU DIDNT

Hen: LMAO

Buck: see u at the end of my shift!!!!

Chimney: I hate life and life hates me

…

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: Tabitha says good morning!!!!

Bobby: Good morning Tabitha! –Bobby Nash

Ravi: who the freak is tabitha

Buck: ✨Tabitha✨

Ravi:

Buck: those words are not in the bible

Ravi: how would u know you heathen

Eddie: Is that even english

Ravi: yes

Buck: no

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Ravi: eddie who the freak is tabitha

Eddie: How did you get this number.

Ravi: we are quite literally in about 30 seperate group chats together

Eddie: …Right.

Ravi: so????

tabitha??????

Eddie: Genuinely I have no idea.

Ravi: REALLY?!?!

eddie diaz NOT knowing smth about buck buckley

i never thought id see the day

Eddie: Shut the fuck up

Ravi: never <3

so like

are we thinking this is a secret girlfriend orrrrrr

Eddie: God I hope not.

groupchat: the buddie bet

Ravi: guys i just asked eddie if buck had a girlfriend or smth and he responded god i hope not

WHY IS HE SO STUPID

Karen: YES

That money will be mine!

Hen: Ours ❓☹️🥺💔

Karen: Ours ‼️🎂🎉♥️

Ravi: you gays make me sick

May: homophobia?

Albert: In MY buddie bet groupchat????

Ravi: i have been an out bisexual man since i was in middle school dont do this to me

Chimney: Eddie did also just deny Buck a cat, so don’t get too cocky

Ravi: since when has eddie said no to anything involving buck

Maddie: Correction: Buck asked Eddie if he liked cats (which he doesn’t), not if he wanted to adopt Tabitha

Hen: That makes so much more sense

Ravi: TABITHAS A CAT LMAO???

Hen: Yes???

Ravi: I THOUGHT SHE WAS A PERSON

SO DOES EDDIE

May: PLS OMG

thats hilarious

nobody tell him

i wanna see how long it takes him to realize

Ravi: ME TOO OMG

if anybody tells him i will drop the q word again

private messages: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Dude what’s with all the ginger hairs on your sweatshirt?

I swear to god if you’re back with Taylor Kelly…

Buck: oh sorry that must be tabitha

NOT taylor

third time is not gonna be the charm with that relationship

shes staying with maddie and chim rn and it mustve gotten on there when i went over for dinner yesterday

Eddie: Oh.

Okay.

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Ravi: dude why dont u like cats

literally nobody doesnt like cats

Eddie: That is statistically not true.

Plus, Chim doesn’t like cats either!

Ravi: chim doesnt count as a person to me

you do

(for some reason)

so WHY

Eddie: I guess that pussy just isn’t for me.

Ravi: LMAO?????

Eddie: …That was not how I was planning to come out.

Ravi: WHAT

Eddie: …You are also not the third person I wanted to come out to.

Ravi: IM THIRD?!?!?!

Eddie: After a friend from Texas and Chris, yeah.

Ravi: dude

im before buck?!

Eddie: What part of “the third person I told” aren’t you getting?

Ravi: oh my god hes going to hate that i knew you were

wait

may i ask what kind of queer u are my good sir?????

Eddie: Gay.

Ravi: sick

buck is gonna hate that i knew you were gay before he did

this is so fucking funny

oh wait

also uh

proud of you

or whatever

Eddie: Gee, thanks.

I feel so supported right now.

Ravi: SORRY

you just chose the objectively worst way to come out to me possible

Eddie: Fair point.

This stays between us though, okay?

Ravi: dude ofc im not gonna out u like that

Eddie: Thanks Ravi.

Ravi:

Eddie: Where did Bobby find you.

Ravi: wouldnt u like to know weather boy

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Ravi: 🎵i know something you dont know!!! 🎵

Buck:

…

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: oh my gosh

tabitha is so cute

Eddie: Good for you Buck.

Buck: shes so CUDDLY

and SOFT!!!!

shes such a good listener too

Eddie: I’m a good listener.

Buck: uh yeah, ofc u are???

but tabitha is too

shes so talktative its so sweet

Eddie: I can be talkative.

Buck: eddie you once let me ramble at you about sharks for three hours

i dont think you said more than 5 words

Eddie: okay but i COULD be

Buck: dont worry bud i only love tabitha a little bit more than you ♥️

Eddie: haha

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: GUYS

Chimney: Oh no

Hen: Here we go again

Buck: TABITHAS PREGNANT

Eddie: WHAT

groupchat: the buddie bet

[ Hen attached a screenshot]

Hen: Scale of 1-10 how insane is Eddie going to get about this

Maddie: omg

Athena: Oh boy

At least an 11

Karen: Do you smell that honey?

Hen: I don’t know, love, what do you smell?

Karen: It smells like sweet, sweet victory!

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: What are you going to do???

Buck: abt what???

Eddie: Tabitha.

Buck: i mean, i wasnt really expecting it, but i made a commitment and im gonna see it through

Eddie: Are you sure?

How long has she even been in your life???

Buck: 4 days!

Eddie: …okay

Are you sure you’re sure about this???

It’s a huge commitment.

It’s not too late to explore other options.

Buck: im absolutely positutely 100% sure

Eddie: Alright.

Just let me know what I can do to help.

Buck: then would it be okay if she maybe stayed with us for a little bit????

I was gonna try to warm u up to the idea first but now that shes pregnant i feel bad making her stay with maddie and chim ☹️

Eddie: I mean, Buck, it’s already kind of a tight fit with the three of us…

Buck: oh

Eddie: …but I guess we could make it work.

Buck: YAY

THANKS EDDIE!!!!

UR THE BEST!!!!

ill move her in during ur shift tomorrow!!!!

Eddie: Great.

You’re talking to Chris about this one though.

Buck: On it!!!

private messaging: Buck and Chris

Buck: ur about to be a cat brother

Chris: are u calling me a furry

are u calling URSELF a furry

are you PREGNANT with a furry CHILD?!

Buck: im not but she is

and also probably multiple furry children

Chris: oh my god

i love her

whats her name

Buck: ✨Tabitha✨

Chris: shes perfect

and my dads allowing this?????

Buck: yup!!!

im bringing her over tomorrow!!!!!

Chris: YAY

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: How'd he take it?

Buck: really well!!!

hes super excited

thank you so much again eddie

i owe u so hard

Eddie: You have no idea

groupchat: 3 diazes are better than one (Eddie, Sophia, Adriana)

Eddie: Buck got a girl pregnant.

Sophia: What.

Eddie: And she’s moving in with us tomorrow.

Adriana: WHAT.

Eddie: You heard me.

Appearently Chris is super excited about it too.

Fuck my life

Sophia: And you’re just LETTING this happen?!

Eddie: It’s BUCK

What else am I supposed to do?!

Sophia: You are so WEIRD about each other

LORD

Adriana: i am not having this conversation over text what the hell

[Incoming call from Adriana ]

…

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: SOS

TABITHAS GIVING BIRTH

Eddie: WHAT
ISNT THAT SUPER EARLY

Buck: I DONT THINK SO

groupchat: the buddie bet

May: this is hilarious

Ravi: best entertainment ive had in weeks

Athena: I’m making popcorn

Chimney: wayyyy ahead of you thena

Bobby: We are on a call right now, Chimney. –Bobby Nash

Chimney: Yeah but its under control

The 136 is doing most of the work anyway

One little pot of popcorn off to the side isnt going to hurt anything

Bobby: Get back to work. –Bobby Nash

Chimney: You arent yelling at eddie for being on his phone 😢

Bobby: That’s because Eddie is man behind. Get moving. –Bobby Nash

Maddie: Oooo somebody’s in troooouble

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: eddie im so sorry

ur pillows and blankets are toast

i tried to move her but she hisses at me whenever i get too close

Eddie: She HISSED at you?!?!

Buck: yes?!

Athena: The woman is giving birth, Eddie. Give her a break.

Buck: THANK you Athena

groupchat: 3 diazes are better than one

Eddie: Apparently she’s giving birth right now.

So either this is the fastest moving pregnancy in human history or that is not Buck’s baby.

Sophia: I mean… good for Buck, I guess???

Eddie: Going to kms

Adriana: tabitha girl ive never met you but i am so invested in ur life

Eddie: She’s also giving birth ON MY BED and fucking HISSING at Buck

Adriana: i have so many questions

Eddie: You’re telling me

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: After 2.5 hours of labor, Tabitha and I would like to welcome little Constance Buckley to the world!

Eddie: What the fuck is that.

Ravi: a kitten

duh

Eddie: Are you guys fucking with me.

Buck: Excuse you.

dont talk about my cat granddaughter like that

Eddie: Your cat WHAT

What happened to Tabitha?!

Buck: she gave birth

have you hit your head recently eddie????

Hen: Yeah Eddie, what’s the big deal???

Eddie: No.

No you guys aren’t painting ME as the crazy one here.

THAT IS NOT A BABY

Buck: YES SHE IS

Eddie: NO THATS A KITTEN

Buck: …

Eddie.

Eddie: oh no

Chimney: Here it comes

Who wants popcorn?!

Ravi: ME

Bobby: CHIMNEY. –Bobby Nash

Chimney: I made it in the microwave relax

Buck: eddie

did you

did you think that tabitha

was a person

Eddie: IS SHE NOT?!

Buck: NO

SHES A CAT

Eddie: oh my god

[ Eddie has left the chat]

[ Buck added Eddie to the chat]

Buck: nuh uh

get back here

Eddie: Oh my god a cat gave birth on my bed

Buck: i am fascinated by the things that your mind chooses to focus on

Eddie: I’m never gonna live this down, am I?

Buck: nope

Ravi: never <3

groupchat: 3 diazes are better than one

Eddie: So turns out Tabitha is a cat.

Adriana: LMAO

Sophia: Jesus, Eddie.

Eddie: Don’t make fun of me a cat just gave birth on my pillows 😓

Sophia: How is that worse than a human being giving birth on your pillows

Eddie: IT JUST IS

private messaging: Hen and Eddie

Hen: I would just like to point out that this is the second time you've been jealous of an animal.

Eddie: IM BLOCKING YOU

Notes:

✨Tabitha✨
show up, serve face, give birth
what more do u want from a girl
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 10: i'm ga- PREGNANT okay byeeeeeeee

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: the buddie bet

May: @Karen guess what

its friday

yknow what that means 😈

Karen: Nooooo 😞

Hen: I knew you had too much faith in those losers 💔

Karen: 💔💔💔💔

Hen: Don’t worry babe

That just means I’m one week closer to winning ♥️

Chimney: That’s what you think

Hen: Oh how cute, he still thinks he’s got a chance.

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: I think your cat hates me.

Buck: no she doesnt

Eddie: She hissed at me for entering the same room as her.

Buck: shes just being protective of constance!

Eddie: She doesn’t hiss at you!

Buck: thats cause we have a special bond that you couldnt begin to comprehend

Eddie: Okay so explain why she doesn’t hiss at Chris either.

Buck: probs cause she can sense that hes just a baby like constance!

Eddie: He’s 15.

Buck: still a baby!

Eddie: I know he is to US, but I don’t think a cat would be able to pick up on that.

Buck: tabithas just awesome like that

Eddie: Whatever you say, Buck.

groupchat: The A-Shift

Buck: EDDIES BACK

EDDIES BACK

Eddie: Buck this is not my first shift back.

We carpooled to work together.

We are standing in the station side by side.

Right next to everybody else, might I add.

This is not the news you think it is.

Buck: it is to me 😞

its our first shift back together excuse me for being excited

Ravi: @Bobby its not too late to fire him

Bobby: I’ve already tried. He just comes back. –Bobby Nash

Chimney: Knowing Buck he’d just show up to work anyways

Buck: i would!

Hen: Your relationship with this job concerns me.

Buck: good!

im not doing my job right if im not concerning you!! ☺️

Ravi: ur the reason im homophobic

Bobby: Ravi we don’t accept that kind of talk in this workplace. Do I need to ask HR to set up another inclusivity meeting? –Bobby Nash

Ravi: bobby im literally bi

i have kissed multiple men

on the mouth

IN FACT

i have (stage) kissed THAT man!!!

Bobby: That is no excuse. –Bobby Nash

Ravi: this is favoritism

Buck: sucks to suck ♥️

…

groupchat: if bobby sees this i (ravi) request to be buried alive (Hen, Chimney, Buck, Ravi, Eddie)

Buck: sometimes i think about that one time i almost joined a cult

Ravi: 👁️👄👁️

Buck: good times

Chimney: Everything I learn about pre-118 you concerns me deeply

Buck: oh that was after!

there was another cult pre-118 that i DID join for a bit

wasnt really vibing with it tho so i ditched

Eddie: Excuse me.

Hen: Buck how many cults have you joined or almost joined exactly?!

Buck: uhhh

at least three

there was a pizza shop in my hometown that i worked at when i was a kid that im convinced was a front for a cult so four if that counts

Ravi: hey buck have you ever heard of this thing called scientology

Hen: Don’t even go there Ravi.

Buck: it has science in the name, it cant be that bad!

Hen: Eddie please take away his phone before his cult count climbs to five.

Eddie: Already on it.

…

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Eddie: Going to try to come out to Buck.

Wish me luck.

Ravi: oh so you want me to die got it

Eddie: I’m literally not even going to tell him that you know.

Ravi: thats what u think

then ur creepy mind meld is going to kick in and hes going to

then the last thing im going to see is his fucking pink cardigan stained with my blood

Eddie: I think that you may be overreacting.

Ravi: and i think you may be underreacting

you have no idea how insane he is about you

Eddie: Two words: Freddie Fakeman.

Ravi: touche

groupchat: GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT (Buck, Eddie, and Ravi)

Eddie: @Buck

Buck: pfft i feel that

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Ravi: THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DECIDED TO TRY TO COME OUT TO HIM

Eddie: I GOT SCARED.

Ravi: WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS

Eddie: HE IS THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE GIVE ME A BREAK.

Ravi: literally what do you think hes going to do

hes bi anyways

its not like hes gonna send u to conversion therapy

Eddie: Ravi we live together.

We share a bed.

He gets custody of my child if something were to happen to me.

That’s one thing if I’m his straight bestie but a whole other thing once he knows that I’m gay.

Ravi: WHAT

WHAT

SINCE WHEN DO YOU SLEEP TOGETHER

SINCE WHEN IS HE CHRIS’S LEGAL GUARDIAN

Eddie: I don’t see how that’s relevant.

Ravi: IT IS TO ME.

but like dude

its buck

ur fine

Eddie: Why did I come to you for advice again?

Ravi: uhh because im special and amazing and a lifesaver both metaphorically and literally duh

Eddie: Sure.

groupchat: the buddie bet

Ravi: so theyre literally sharing a bed

Maddie: What.

Hen: You’re fucking with us.

Ravi: I WISH I WAS

[ Ravi attached a screenshot]

May: if buck was a girl they would be married with 50 bajillion kids and have a mortgage by now

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Eddie: Okay. I’m actually going to do it now.

Ravi: oh dear god i dont even want to know what ur planning

did u rent out a billboard?????

please tell me you rented out a billboard

Eddie: I’m too broke for that.

No, I’m just going to go up to him and tell him.

Out loud.

With my words.

Ravi: are u trying to convince me or urself???

Eddie: Both shut up

private messaging: Ravi and Chimney

Ravi: what did it feel like to get stabbed

Chimney: Why.

What are you planning.

Ravi: can a man not ask a question

Chimney: It felt like a knife rearranged my internal organs

Is that good enough for you???

Ravi: yep!

Chimney: Can I ask what the purpose of that question was now?!

Ravi: just trying to figure out if dealing with morons 1 and 2 is worse than being stabbed

Chimney: Well I have my answer.

Ravi: morons 1 and 2 obviously

Chimney: Doesn’t even come close

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Eddie: I chickened out

Ravi: what shocking news

Eddie: Shut up

I’m just going to text him

That’s less nerve wracking

That’s how I’ve come out to literally everyone else so far!

This can’t go wrong!

Ravi: OH MY GOD

private messaging: Ravi and Chimney

Ravi: just so you know its approaching rebar through the skull territory

Chimney: What have they done now?!

Ravi: THATS THE WORST PART

IVE BEEN SWORN TO SECRECY

THERE IS NOBODY I CAN TALK TO ABOUT THIS OTHER THAN MYSELF

WAIT

THERE IS SOMEBODY

BYE CHIM THIS HAS BEEN HELPFUL GREAT THANKS

Chimney: Glad I could be of assistance???

private messaging: Ravi and Christopher

Ravi: ur dad = gay right

i know that u know this

Chris: how do u know that i know this

Ravi: hes stupid thats how

anyways

hes trying to come out to buck and of course he has nobody to rant to abt it except for me

which means that i have nobody to rant to about this

EXCEPT FOR YOU NOW

ur in this with me child

Chris: kinda sus that u as a 45 year old man is talking to a 15 year old about ur coworkers struggles but okay go off king

Ravi: I AM 26?!?!

Chris: is that how old ur plastic surgeon says u look????

Ravi: i hate this

yknow what im just gonna suffer in silence now

Chris: no get back here im invested now

Ravi: i just want u to know that ur father tried to come out via MEME

F*CKING MEME

Chris: why did u sensor fuck

Ravi: if im 45 then ur 5 i dont make the rules

(also because i think buck would kill me if he knew i swore around u)

Chris: hes been swearing around me since i was 7 ur fine

Ravi: im not taking those chances

hes chased me with a chainsaw before and i have no doubts that he’ll do it again

anyways we’re on attempt number 3 now

Christopher: i bet we’re gonna make it to attempt number 10 at least

Ravi: you and me both

ill keep u updated

Christopher: youd BETTER

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Hey Buck can I tell you something?

Buck: ofc!!!!!!

u can tell me anything dude u know this

Eddie: Haha yeah

Buck: okay who died.

Eddie: What.

Buck: you only do the “haha yeah” thing when smth is wrong

what happened

do i need to sic tabitha on someone

cause she will do it happily

Eddie: No Buck it’s nothing like that

Buck: ????????

eddie?!

answer me so i know ur not dead

im not above having chris do a wellfare check

Eddie: I’m pregnant

Buck: what

Eddie: haha got you okay bye

Buck: u are the strangest man ive ever met in my life

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Eddie: I FUCKED UP.

Ravi: oh what now

Eddie: I PANICKED AND TOLD BUCK I WAS PREGNANT

Ravi: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Eddie: I’m done.

I give up.

Ravi you do it.

Ravi: fuck no

i value my life thank you very much

Eddie: PLEASE.

Ravi: nope

Eddie: I’m starting to understand why Buck didn’t like you

Ravi: right back atcha!

Eddie: Fuck it.

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Eddie: So I’m gay.

Thought you all should know that.

Anyways see yall next pride month ✌️

[ Eddie has left the chat]

Buck: ?????????????

Notes:

Pregnancy is becoming a theme in this story and I don't know how I feel about that ngl
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 11: fuck that i have a key and free will

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Eddie: So I’m gay.

Thought you all should know that.

Anyways see yall next pride month ✌️

[ Eddie has left the chat]

Buck: ?????????????

May: LMAO

Hen: I never thought I’d see the day

Buck: YOU SAW THIS COMING?!

Chimney: You DIDNT?!

Hen: Okay Buck get your shocked screaming out of the way before I add him back

Buck: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hen: Are you good now?

Buck: yes thank you

Hen: Alright here goes

THE FUCKER BLOCKED ME

Chimney: LMAO

WAIT NO HE BLOCKED ME TOO

Ravi: DID HE SERIOUSLY BLOCK ALL OF US

May: looks like it

Albert: Damn he even blocked me that’s crazy

Maddie: Surely he didn’t block Buck?!

Buck: HE DID WHAT THE FUCK

Chimney: WHAT

Maddie: @Athena we’d like to request a wellfair check please and thank you

Athena: The boy’s fine, he’s probably just nervous. Let him come to you on his own terms…

Buck: fuck that i have a key and free will

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Ravi: after everything ive done for you

Message Failed to Send

private messaging: Ravi and Christopher

Ravi: so ur dad failed at coming out to buck over messages because he panicked and told buck that he was pregnant

Chris: just when i thought he couldnt get worse

Ravi: THEN he says f*ck it, comes out in the no kids allowed family groupchat, leaves said chat, and blocks literally all of us

Chris: EVEN BUCK

Ravi: EVEN BUCK

Chris: this gets better by the minute

Ravi: also buck is on the way to ur house so be prepared for him to kick down the door

WAIT

ur dad hasnt blocked u has he

Chris: no…

Ravi: so theoretically you could send him a message for me

Chris: theoretically yes i could

Ravi: okay please tell him that ravi says hes a loser and how the F*CK DID HE MANAGE TO FIND A WAY TO COME OUT TO EVERYONE THAT WAS WORSE THAN THE WAY HE CAME OUT TO ME

also tell him that im very betrayed that he blocked me too i thought we had something </3

Chris: my fathers relationships with his coworkers are so weird

Ravi: believe me child you dont know the half of it

private messaging: Eddie and Chris

Chris: dad

Eddie: Son

Chris: i have been forced to tell you that ravi says that ur a loser and that that was somehow even worse than how you came out to him

and also that he feels betrayed that u blocked him

Eddie: …

Why.

Just why.

What have I done to deserve this.

Chris: blocking all ur loved ones comes to mind

also bucks about to break down the door go answer it

Eddie: What?!

I don’t hear any knocking

And he has a key!!!

Chris: im stalking him on life360

and i think that hes gonna do it just for the fun of it so go intercept him pls

i like that door

private messaging: Bobby and Eddie

Bobby: I’m very proud of you Eddie. We all love you, and we’re happy you have discovered this part of yourself. –Bobby Nash

Eddie: How did you know I didn’t block you too

Bobby: I have my ways. –Bobby Nash

…

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

[ Buck has added Eddie to the chat]

Hen: Well look who finally decided to join us

Eddie: Yeah yeah laugh it up later I’m bringing dumbass over here to the hospital

Maddie: Buck you left our house 20 minutes ago.

Literally how.

Athena: It’s Buck, that’s how.

Buck: i tried to break down our door

it didnt go very well

Ravi: LMAO

Eddie: The only thing that broke was his ankle.

Buck: its not broken :(

just lightly sprained

Eddie: Then explain what the cracking noise I heard was.

I’m waiting.

Buck: i dont have to stand here and take this from you

Chimney: Sounds like you aren’t standing at all

Buck: @Maddie divorce him please

Maddie: Sorry, thats a no from me Buck

Buck: damn it

Chimney: Can’t get rid of me that easily Buckley!

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: hospitals suck

Eddie: I know Buck

Buck: my ankle hurts

Eddie: I know Buck

Buck: I miss you

Eddie: I am at the vending machine

Getting the snacks that YOU asked for

Buck: I can still miss you jackass

Eddie: I’ll be back in three

Buck: uuuughghghghghghhhhhh im so stupid

Eddie: Yep, that you are

Buck: quit being mean to me im injured 😢

Eddie: You tried to BREAK DOWN OUR DOOR.

Buck: okay so sue me for getting overly excited about congratulating u on coming out 😒

Eddie: And also yelling at me for blocking you.

Buck: and also yelling at you for blocking me

…

private messaging: Buck and Bobby

Bobby: Everything alright kid? –Bobby

Buck: no :(

Bobby: I’m guessing that means that Eddie was right and it is broken? –Bobby

Buck: badly sprained :(

no work for me for 2-3 weeks 😭💔🥀⚰️

and ive got nobody to blame but me and my own stupidity </3

Bobby: Can I ask what happened to just using your key? –Bobby

Buck: i wanted to make a dramatic entrance

needless to say it backfired

Bobby: Sounds like you missed your calling as an actor. I’m still in contact with some of the Hotshots guys if you wanted a career change! 😂 –Bobby

Buck: hardy har har very funny

Bobby: In all seriousness though, we all will miss you at the station. Let Athena and I know if you need anything in the mean time. –Bobby

Buck: thanks bobby will do ur the best

groupchat: the buddie bet

Ravi: it is important to me that you all know that this is how eddie came out to me

[ Ravi shared a screenshot]

Karen: LMAO

Ravi: oh yeah and he also tried to come out to buck three times, one of which resulted in him telling buck that he was pregnant

so yeah

ive been suffering

May: you are truly gods strongest soldier

Ravi: i really am 😞

Athena: This bet is about to get interesting!

May: i HATE that i only have one more day left what the hell

Chimney: And here I was thinking I’d picked a bad week!

Trapped in a house together, Eddie at Buck’s beck and call, Buck no longer thinking Eddie’s straight…

The pieces are all starting to fall into place 😎

Ravi: thats what u think

i, on the other hand, know how stupid they are

however

i have an ace up my sleeve 😎

…

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: maddie

im boooorrrrreeedddddddd

Maddie: And I’m pregnant

Go bother Eddie

Buck: he left me because he hates me

and also because we’re out of eggs because ive been bored baking

but mostly cause he hates me

Maddie: Buck it hasn’t even been three days yet.

Buck: its already too long 😔

u know im a terrible patient

Maddie: How could I ever forget?!

Just go do a puzzle or something I don’t care

Buck: uuuughhhhghhghghghgh ur the WORST

Maddie: Love you too, now GO

…

groupchat: two dumbasses and their impulse control

Hen: So Buck

How goes recovery??

Buck: im going to gnaw my own foot off and then regrow it like a starfish

Chimney: So like all your usual recoveries???

Buck: yeah 😔

Chimney: How’re things going with Eddie btw????

Hen: Chim.

Buck: …what do u mean

Chimney: I’m just wondering how things are going now that you guys live together, jeeze

private messaging: Hen and Chimney

Hen: THIN ICE.

Chimney: Excuse you Henrietta

I am just asking my beloved brother in law an innocent question

Hen: I know you better than to believe that.

Thin.

Ice.

groupchat: two dumbasses and their impulse control

Buck: really great actually!

like ive kinda realized that weve basically been living together for years at this point anyway so not much has changed other than i get to sleep in a bed not a couch lol

Chimney: That’s great man!

Speaking of which, how’s apartment hunting going???

Now that you’ve finally got time to look at listings ofc

Buck: oh uh

i kinda havent started looking?

idk its been kinda nice being around my favorite people yknow?

Chimney: Huh. Don’t you want to be able to sleep in your own bed??

Hen: CHIM.

Buck: oh um

i kind of dont mind it haha

why?

is that weird?

Chimney: I mean… personally I wouldnt love sharing a bed with Hen, but you guys might be different 🤷

Hen: Alright thats it

groupchat: the buddie bet

Hen: CHIMS MEDDLING!

[ Hen attached a screenshot]

Maddie: Howie no!

How could you!!!

Chimney: HOW IS THAT MEDDLING

Hen: You are DIRECTLY asking him things with an end goal in mind!!!

THATS MEDDLING!!!

Athena: Chimney I’m disappointed in you.

Ravi: we cant let him get away with this

May: i vote to eliminate the rest of his week

Karen: I think that’s fair

Chimney: WHAT

IM NOT EVEN A DAY IN

Albert: Tsk tsk tsk Howie. Should’ve thought of that before.

Chimney: I hate you all

Maddie: Wow Howard.

Chimney: EXCEPT FOR MY BEAUTIFUL LOVING AMAZING WIFE OF COURSE

Maddie: Forgiven but not forgotten ☺️

Chimney: Yeah I deserve that

Ravi: alright i think that the majority of people (including myself) say that chims kicked out

so that means we’re just going to bump all the other bets forward one week

my turn now bitches (and bobby and athena) 😎

groupchat: two dumbasses and their impulse control

Buck: it’s not weird

our friendship is just different than yours

right

right?

is it?

oh god it is weird isnt it

Notes:

(just a heads up, updates may start becoming a bit less frequent! I'm starting a new job in the next few days, and my school's starting up again pretty soon as well. i'll still do my best, but no promises, hope y'all understand!)
((Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3))

Chapter 12: just ask him out already oh my god

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Buck and Taylor

Taylor: buckley, tell me why i go to my favorite bar, expecting to be able to enjoy myself and have a good time, only to be met by the sad, sad sight of you moping all alone in a corner?

Buck: sad :(

leg hurt

confused

but mostly sad :(

Taylor: goddamn it stop making me feel bad for you asshole

youd better not have gotten another firetruck dropped on your leg istg

Buck: it was a ladder truck actually

Taylor: 🤓☝️

Buck: im miserable right now you cant make fun of me :(

Taylor: before i commit to feeling bad for you this isnt because you cheated on someone else is it

Buck: NO

NO NO NO

NEVER AGAIN

im still so sorry for that tay

Taylor: eh its whatever im over it

also got a girlfriend out of the deal so id say it was worth it in the end

Buck: slay queen

Taylor: curse chris for teaching you that

Buck: this is homophobia

Taylor: are you literally not straight

Buck: OH

forgot we actually havent talked in like a hot sec

no im very bi

had a boyfriend and everything

Taylor: OH MY GOD SO YOU FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

Buck: WHY DOES LITERALLY EVERYONE SAY THAT

Taylor: because it was so very very obvious

Buck: checking out hot guys asses is literally so normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taylor: uh yeah it is

if youre attracted to men

Buck: uuughghgghghghhghghghghghhh

stop being mean to me

Taylor: never <3

somebody needs to keep ya humble

Buck: 🖕

Taylor: anywaysssss

does this mean that we can finally talk about the thing you and eddie have going on

Buck: WHAT THING

Taylor: okay so you KNOW youre bi and STILL havent had the realization?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?

youre literally impossible oml

Buck: oh my god not you too

first tommy now maddie now you

im NOT hopelessly pining after eddie

are we sharing a house?

yes so do tons of people

are we sleeping in the same bed?

yeah but other people do that too ITS NOT WEIRD NO MATTER WHAT CHIM SAYS

do i get custody of chris if anything happens to eddie?

fuck yes i do his parents can suck my dick and balls if they think theyre getting their hands on chris

did i feel an immense sense of hope when he came out to me the other day?

yeah of course i did what else was i supposed to feel?!?!

is he hot as fuck?

yeah but literally even hen awknowledged that

do i want to wake up next to him everyday and drive him everywhere because he hates driving and make fun of his cooking with chris and fucking make him realize how amazing he is for the rest of our lives?

yes of fucking course i do but its eddie who wouldnt?!?!

Taylor: buck. do i need to come over and hold your hand for this one

Buck: no i heard it as soon as i sent it

come over here please?

Taylor: omw and bringing alcohol

Buck: you are literally the best

Taylor: fuck yeah i am

…

private messaging: a straight a gay and a bi walk into the room (Eddie, Buck, Christopher)

Chris: buck where are you

Buck: spent the night at a friends why

Chris: you have friends?

Buck: okay so that was rude

@Eddie ground him please

Eddie: I mean…

He wasn’t wrong

Buck: im being shamed right now

Chris: anyways dads making pancakes and i think hes about to burn the house down come pick me up pls im scared

Eddie: Okay I’m not that bad of a cook anymore

Buck: thats true

except for pancakes

i love u dude but your pancakes… 😬

literal nightmare fuel

Eddie: Ew never call me dude again

Buck: dude

Chris: dude

Eddie: Why do I even try

Buck: anyway be there in 15! please dont burn down the house i kinda like it there

Chris: my knight in shining armor

dont worry king ill keep him away from the griddle 🫶

private messaging: Buck and Taylor

Taylor: DOWN. BAD.

Buck: LITERALLY STOP

Taylor: you literally made me drive you to eddies at 8 in the goddamn morning because of a “pancake emergency”

Buck: excuse you that is my house too

Taylor: i say its eddies until you put a ring on it

Buck: LALALALALA CANT HEAR YOU

Taylor: just fucking ask him out already oh my god

Buck: no <3

Taylor: okay fine let me rephrase

ask him out or im stealing tabitha and shaving her bald

Buck: YOU WOULDNT

Taylor: you underestimate me

Buck: i–

fine

Taylor: REALLY!?!?!?!

Buck: yeah

Taylor: ngl i didnt think that would actually work

Buck: i dont want constance to grow up having a mother that looks like one of those weird looking baby birds 😞

Taylor: fair

Buck: just like

give me a day

i need to find a way to make it like perfect

or whatever

he deserves that

Taylor: alright dumbass good luck

youd BETTER let me know how it goes

and if u chicken out, my razor is primed and ready

private messaging: Eddie and Christopher

Chris: stop staring at him like that

Eddie: I’m not staring at Buck

Chris: notice how i didnt mention his name

Eddie: Shut up.

I’m not even looking at him weirdly

It’s normal for a guy to look at his best friend

Chris: not when ur looking at him like u want to put a baby in him

Eddie: Ew please never even think those words again

Chris: literally pls just ask him out dad

put me out of my misery

Eddie: Woah woah woah

Who says that i even like Buck like that?!

We’re just best friends

Chris: oh my god dad please dont tell me that u seriously havent realized yet

you two have legit been coparenting me since i was like 7 what part of that screams platonic to you

Eddie: Well I haven’t NOT had the realization yet but I’m not going to mess things up by making it weird

And I also don’t really want to be talking about this with my 14 year old son, so theres that

Chris: first of all THANK GOD

ive been waiting for u to realize that for the past 5 years so that is a weight off my back

Eddie: What.

Chris: second of all

dad.

its buck.

ur fine.

just go kiss him or smth

preferably when im out of the room but honestly at this point i dont care

Eddie: Buck doesn’t like me like that Chris.

I don’t want to make him uncomfortable

Chris: HE LIVES WITH YOU
YOU SLEEP IN THE SAME BED
I CAUGHT HIM FEEDING YOU A BLUEBERRY WHILE STARING INTO YOUR SOUL THE OTHER DAY

Eddie: That could all be platonic.

It’s been platonic our entire friendship Chris.

Chris: it literally never has been but whatever

the point is

even if it IS platonic u should still tell him and stop freaking torturing yourself dad

its just sad at this point

Eddie: I wouldn’t want to make it awkward for anyone, including you.

Chris: dad even if im wrong

(which i never am, “i was right” is literally going on my tombstone. u agreed to it and im holding u too it)

buck can just move out

im sure ravi could have a place for him within a few weeks

plus then u could get over it and move on instead of torturing yourself

Eddie: Mijo, this isn’t the kind of thing that I could ever just get over.

Chris: EVEN MORE REASON TO TELL HIM

plus it would make me happy

ever think about that?!

Eddie: Fine.

Chris: FINE?!?!

Eddie: I’ll think about it.

Chris: YAY YIPEE YAHOO

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: hey u want to go with me to that new fancy italian place tonight?????

i feel like we havent actually had time to hang out in a while

Eddie: Buck we live together and we work together

Buck: okayyyy but we havent gone outside the house or work to hang out in forever

plus ive been wanting to try this place for a while so pleeeeaaaaassseee???? 🥺

Eddie: Of course we can Buck

Buck: FUCK YEAH!

Eddie: We don’t need reservations or anything right?

Buck: already got em a few days ago just forgot to ask u until now 😁

Eddie: You’re the best

…

private messaging: Eddie and Ada

Eddie: I’m gonna tell him I love him tonight

Ada: OH MY GOD???

Eddie: Chris bullied me into it

Ada: that makes sense

Eddie: I don’t know what to do

Ada: uh idk dude

probably say something along the lines of “i love u now lets bone”

Eddie: Okay so I don’t know why I came to you for advice

Ada: me neither dude

Eddie: What if I mess it up somehow?

Ada: ur probably going to

Eddie: You are NOT helping

Ada: no listen to me for a sec

i have messed up in every relationship ive been in

thats just kind of a fact of life. everyone messes up sometimes

but yknow what made the difference between my relationships with my exes and the one i have with my wife?

Eddie: What?

Ada: we loved each other enough to work through it

i have no doubts that you and buck love each other enough to do that

and if you cant work through it, well, he wasnt worth it anyways

Eddie: …Thanks Ada

Ada: ofc

now go get em tiger 🐯

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Hey, everything okay? You’ve been in the bathroom for a while

Buck: YEP IM FINE

Eddie: You sure?

You don’t sound fine

Buck: im just trying to hype myself up give me a minute

Eddie: Oh.

I get it.

I think I already know what you want to talk with me about.

Buck: really?

Eddie: Yeah.

I’ve been waiting for you to bring this up for months.

Buck: really!

Eddie: Yeah

Have you been nervous about asking?

Buck: yeah i mean, this would be a big change

Eddie: It’s nothing we couldn’t handle.

I’ll still be your best friend, no matter what.

Buck: aww, eds

Eddie: Is that why you brought me out to this fancy resteraunt? Trying to butter me up first?

Buck: i mean… i wouldnt say that i wasnt

Eddie: Oh Buck

It’s not like I’d be mad at you

Buck: you never know!!!

Eddie: I could never be mad at you for this

Buck: like logically i know that but this is such a big change and i got nervous

what if something goes wrong???

Eddie: You have other people that you can lean on for help

I’m sure that Ravi would be a good resource

Buck: wait why ravi?

Eddie: He owns multiple apartment buildings, remember?

Buck: …okay?

Eddie: And I’m sure that everyone else will be happy to help move stuff in, especially with your ankle

Buck: we already live together?

Eddie: Yeah of course we do, which is why I can help carry stuff, but I’m sorry, I’m not carrying all your stupid kitchen appliances out the door myself

Buck: …you’d make me throw them away?

Eddie: No of course not

We’d go put them in the moving truck

Yknow, where all the rest of your furniture would go?

Buck: wait wait wait back it up a sec

eddie im not moving out

Eddie: What

Buck: no dumbass

wait

…do u want me to move out?

Eddie: No of course I don’t want you to move out!

Buck: then why were you just letting me leave!!!!!!!!!

Eddie: Well SORRY for trying to be a supportive friend

Buck: oh my god you’re impossible lmao

Eddie: Wait what WERE you trying to ask me??

Buck: well I was trying to admit my undying love for you

Eddie: Ha ha very funny

Buck: I wasn’t joking

Eddie: What

Buck: can’t believe I just did that while hiding in a public restroom but yeah

I’m in love with you

Like so in love that it makes me stupid

Eddie: I think I’m in shock right now

Buck: oh

it’s totally cool if u don’t feel the same way

it doesn’t have to change anything

i can just sleep on the couch until i can find tabitha, constance, and i a new place

sorry

Eddie: Buck you aren’t sleeping on the couch and you definitely not moving out

Buck: im not?

Eddie: No, you’re going to stay right where you are

Buck: it won’t be weird?

Eddie: Not as weird as we’ve been for the past few years we’ve spent trying to deny the fact that we’re in love with each other

Buck: eddie

does

does that mean what i think it means

Eddie: The fact that I’ve probably been in love with you for the past 6 years but wouldn’t admit it to myself until I moved to Texas and realized that I missed you more than what would be considered platonic?

It literally felt like my heart was ripped out of my body, because that’s what you are.

My heart.

Buck: eddie i need you to walk out of the restaurant and go to my jeep

Eddie: You’re kicking me out of the restaurant after I just told you that I loved you back?!

We haven’t even ordered anything yet!

Buck: i am going to follow you out and then kiss you stupid in the backseat because i am not having our first kiss in this restaurant with everyone watching

Eddie: …meet you there in 3.

Notes:

Realized midway through writing this that i had the opportunity to make Ada and Taylor long distance girlfriends and i am cursing myself for not realizing that sooner 😔😭
(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!!! :3)

Chapter 13: imayormaynotvehookedupwithtommywhileuwereintexasimsorrydontkillme

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: I love you so much

Buck: i love you too

god im never gonna get tired of hearing you say that

Eddie: And I’m never gonna get tired of saying it ♥️

Buck: come back to bed baby

🖐️🖐️

✊✊

🖐️🖐️

✊✊

Eddie: What the fuck is that

Buck: grabby hands

duh

Eddie: He says, as if Chris wasn’t the one to teach him it

Buck: shhhh

hurry up

Eddie: I am literally grabbing you water.

Yknow, because you have a badly sprained ankle.

Buck: yeah but i miss you ☹️

Eddie: It would be faster if you would stop texting me

Buck: no ♥️

Eddie: …The urge to call in sick today is strong

Buck: no go make bank for us king

plus somebodies gotta drive chris to school and i cant do that if u keep me in bed all day

Eddie: He could miss a day

Buck: but then he would literally never let it go for the rest of his life

id rather not subject ourselves to that

Eddie: Fine

I guess I’ll go be a rational adult

Buck: one of us has to be and it is NOT going to be me

thank you for your sacrifice

Eddie: Oh god

I just realized how absolutely insufferable everybody is gonna be when I do get to work

Buck: oh fuck

its gonna be worse than when bobby and athena finally admitted they were together

WAIT

do you think theres another bet?!

Eddie: THERE IS 100% ANOTHER BET

Buck: THATS WHY CHIM WAS BEING SO WEIRD THE OTHER DAY

Eddie: Weird like how???

Buck: weird like he was actually trying to be interested in my life without cracking jokes to lighten the mood

Eddie: Oh no…

Buck: only one way to know for sure

private messaging: Buck and Chimney

Buck: brother in law

Chimney: Nuisance in law

Buck: by any chance are there any bets going on right now

Chimney: WHAT

WHO TOLD YOU

WAIT

What bets?

There are no bets

I’ve never made a bet in my life

I have no idea what you’re talking about

groupchat: the buddie bet

Chimney: BUCKS ONTO US

Ravi: WHAT

Hen: WHAT DID YOU DO

Chimney: HE ASKED IF THERE WERE ANY BETS GOING ON RN

THEN I PANICKED

YOU GUYS KNOW I CANT KEEP A SECRET

WAIT HES TYPING

private messaging: Buck and Chimney

Buck: chill i was just seeing if there was a bet yet on how many times i can call ravi probie before he punches me

Chimney: You wish there was

groupchat: the buddie bet

Chimney: NEVERMIND

[ Chimney attached a screenshot]

Ravi: i dont know whether to feel relieved or offended

May: no reason it cant be both!

Ravi: you are so right

i contain multitudes

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

[ Buck has attached a screenshot]

Buck: there is definitely a bet

Eddie: Oh my god

How obvious were we?!

Buck: obvious enough that my sister literally asked me point blank if i was in love with you

Eddie: Circling back to THAT later

Guess there’s no point in hiding anything

Buck: or…

is there

Eddie: …I’m intruiged

Buck: so i’m not gonna be back at work for another 3-ish weeks, right?

that means we dont have to disclose anything to bobby/the brass until then

what if we use this golden opportunity to mess with them a bit?

yknow

as a treat

Eddie: Oh I am liking this idea

So we tell nobody?

Buck: other than chris

Eddie: Other than Chris

Honestly he probably knows already

Buck: he’s cool with it?

i dont want to do anything that hes not okay with 😟

Eddie: Of course he is

You’re his Buck, whether or not he’s too old to call you that anymore

He was actually the one that, uh, let’s go with lightly encouraged me to ask you out

Buck: REALLY!!!!!!

Eddie: Apparently, he’s been plotting this for years lmao

Buck: im gonna start crying

Eddie: Omw back to bed right now

We can sob into a pillow together before we both have to get going

Buck: WAIT

CAN I BE THE ONE TO TELL CHRIS

Eddie: Go for it lol

Be right there

Buck: got a spot saved just for you 😉

Eddie: Wow, a whole spot for myself.

In my own bed.

What a luxury.

Buck: i was saving you my lap, but if you want to take a spot on the bed, be my guest

Eddie: ON MY WAY SIGNIFICANTLY FASTER

…

groupchat: a straight a gay and a bi walk into the room

Buck: @Chris !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris: what is so important that you are texting me at 7 am

Buck: well first of all ur supposed to be up and moving anyway cause youve got school mister

but also

ive got exciting news!!!!!!!!

Chris: if you tell me ur moving out im gonna go slash ur tires

Eddie: I feel like I should say something parenty about that, but honestly, I wholeheartedly agree

Buck: WHY DOES EVERYBODY THINK THAT IM MOVING

IM NOT

its GOOD news

HEAVY emphasis on the good

Chris: spit it out already

im not awake enough for this

Buck: im dating ur dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🎉♥️😻👨‍❤️‍👨🌹❤️‍🔥💌👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Chris: FINALLY

yayyyyyy

knew u could do it dad

(well not really but i hoped so)

7 year old me is feeling so vindicated rn

Buck: ??????

Chris: oh i had like this 50 step plan to parent trap u guys into getting together after the tsunami

it was a whole thing

ANYWAYS

everybodys gonna be so excited

DIBS ON TELLING MAY

Eddie: …Actually would you be alright with waiting for a bit to tell people?

Chris: oh i get it u want to like let ur relationship grow and flourish without them butting in or whatever

yeah ofc i can

Buck: oh we are doing it for much pettier reasons than that

Chris: …yknow what

im not even gonna ask

Eddie: Good plan.

Plausible deniability.

Chris: sure

lets go with that

Eddie: Go get ready for school mijo

I’ve gotta get to work so Buck’s gonna drive you, alright?

Chris: oh hell yeah

buck can we stop and get muffins on the way

Buck: if ur ready to go in 20 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie: You need to learn to resist the puppy dog eyes eventually Buck

Buck: nuh uh

im just getting my best friend muffins, right chris?!

Chris: exactly

what buck said

Eddie: 🙄

See you guys tomorrow, love you both!

Buck: love you mooooore 💗

Chris: nevermind go back to being in denial this is gross

Buck: get used to it 🫶👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Chris: i hope that tabitha trips you and you sprain your other ankle <3

…

groupchat: the buddie bet

Ravi: GUYS

ITS HAPPENING

PAY THE FREAK UP

Maddie: WHAT

Hen: Eddie just walked into work with a MASSIVE hickey on his neck

He thinks that his shirt is hiding it

It isn’t.

Athena: Oh I think that it’s high time for wine night.

Karen: AGREED!!!!!!!

Bobby: Please tell him to cover it up before he comes upstairs. I do not wish to have to have that conversation with him, especially if it does indeed involve Buck. –Bobby Nash

Hen: Will do Cap!

Just gonna have some fun with him first 😉

groupchat: The A-Shift

Hen: Eddie, goddamn, did somebody maul you on the way to work?!

Eddie: What?

Hen: Honey, your neck is one giant bruise right now.

Chimney: DAMN DIAZ

Did you hook up with a vampire?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Ravi: i always knew he was team edward

Hen: @Buck WHAT DO YOU KNOW

Buck: i spent the night at a friends house i have no idea

groupchat: the buddie bet

[ Ravi shared a screenshot]

Ravi: NOOOOOOOOOOO

Maddie: This is getting genuinely unbearable

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Really?

Buck: i have no idea what ur talking about

Eddie: Don’t play dumb with me

You know exactly what I’m talking about

Buck: maybe i just wanted everybody to know you were taken whether or not they know that you’re mine ♥️

Eddie: PHDGPSHGPODSH

You can’t just say those things while I’m at work Buck!!!!

You’re TRYING to kill me

Buck: bold of you to assume that im not 😘

groupchat: how tf do we all know each other again

May: our dreams of a group beach vacation draw further and further away with each passing day 😭

Albert: I’ve already taken off work for the weekend we planned don’t tell me it’s gonna end like this 😭

Ravi: hey hey hey guys dont give up so soon

al youve still got ur week anyways even IF my plan doesnt work

(which it 1000000000% will)

May: what do you have planned and why dont we know about it yet?!

Ravi: dont worry your pretty little heads about it

Albert: Aw May, he thinks that our heads are pretty

May: what a flatterer

unfortunately for him i am in fact a lesbian

Albert: Wait actually?

Good for you May! 🎉

Ravi: istg i dont know a single straight person

the lgbtqs just flock to me ig

May: ravi you are officially the absolute worst person to come out to

Albert: Okay but he’s valid for that

May: arent u straight al

Albert: I legitimately have no idea!

Ravi: thats so real

me too dude

me too

May: says the guy that came out in middle school

Ravi: okay so i could just block you right now

May: do it pussy

Ravi: …nevermind youre scary

May: thats what i thought 😌

groupchat: The A-Shift

Ravi: if i had a nickle for how many times ive had to learn that one of my coworkers hooked up with a guy in that bed id have two nickles

which isnt a lot but its weird that it happened twice

Buck: IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU

Eddie: Excuse me, WHAT happened in WHOSE bedroom?!

Hen: Oh this is getting good

Chim get the popcorn

Chimney: WAY AHEAD OF YOU

Bobby: I am begging you all to move this to a groupchat that I cannot see. I love you all, but HR doesn’t. –Bobby Nash

Hen: Sorry Bobby but this needs to be out in the open

Buck explain yourself please and thank you

Buck: i hate you

i hate life

and most of all

i hate ravi

Eddie: Please enlighten us Buck.

Now.

Buck: i may or may notve hookedupwithtommywhileuwereintexasimsorrydontkillme

Eddie: …

Hen: Oh Buck

You can’t say that we didn’t try to warn you

Buck: YEAH YOU DIDNT BUT RAVI SURE DID

Ravi: FUCK YOU YOU ARENT TURNING THIS ON ME

AND THIS WAS BEFORE I KNEW HE WAS TERRIBLE

I JUST WANTED TO LEAVE

Chimney: Tsk tsk tsk

Real bold of you to bring that up while you’re at work with Eddie

Ravi: FUCK

THIS IS GONNA BE WORSE THAN THE CHAINSAW

Bobby: God, it is not too late to rethink humanity. –Bobby Nash

Chimney: BOBBY LMAO????

…

groupchat: the buddie bet

Chimney: So Ravi’s “ace” backfired tremendously

Ravi: YOU DONT KNOW THAT

Hen: The fact that Eddie hasn’t said a word to anyone outside of work pretty much speaks for itself

Maddie: Explanation for those of us not in the 118 groupchat?

Bobby: Just. Don’t. Save yourself. –Bobby Nash

May: i love u so much bobby but im way too nosy for that

[ Chimney attached a screenshot]

Chimney: Here you go my lovely amazing beautiful wife

And everybody else I guess

(Sorry Bobby)

Bobby: There is no escape. Sigh. –Bobby Nash

Athena: Oh honey 😂

We have both seen so, so much worse.

Bobby: Doesn’t mean I have to like it. 💔 –Bobby Nash

Karen: Ohhhhh so Eddie’s being petty, jealous, and dramatic, gotcha 👍

Ravi: okay but can he stop making it everyone else’s problem please and thank you

groupchat: the normal ones (and chimney) (Hen, Chimney, Eddie)

Hen: Eddie please don’t tell me that you’re actually mad at Buck right now

Eddie: I don’t want to talk about Buck right now

Chimney: Wow

I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you say that

Eddie: 🖕

groupchat: the buddie bet

Hen: Things may actually be a little bit dire

[ Hen shared a screenshot]

May: RAVI.

Ravi: OH FUCK

May: FIX THIS.

Ravi: HOW 😭

Athena: Well you’d best find a way young man. 🤨

If you’re the one who caused it, you can be the one to fix it.

Ravi: yes maam right away maam 🫡

private messaging: Buck and Ravi

Ravi: babygirl eddie hasnt stopped being antisocial since the big reveal pls go work ur weird mind meld magic 😔

Buck: and why would i do what you say

Ravi: because im genuinely concerned that if you two dont fix whatever the freak is going on here then eddie is going to kill me if athena doesnt arrest me first 🥺

Buck: ugh fine

but only because i dont wanna have to go pay ur bail

Ravi: YAY YIPEE!

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: are u mad at me?

be honest. cause everybody says that ur acting pissed off rn ☹️

Eddie: Buck

Buck: and like i get it if u are

i shouldve told u

that wasnt my proudest moment

Eddie: Buck.

Buck: but honestly it wasnt ever gonna be more than a one night stand

i just missed u so much that i needed someone to fill the hole you left in my life

i love you so so so much

please dont be mad at me

like you can be if u are

just dont let it simmer

Eddie: BUCK.

Buck: yeah…?

Eddie: I am not mad at you Buck.

At all.

Buck: you arent???

but then why have u been glaring at everyone???

Eddie: All I have been able to think about since you said something was how badly I wanted to shove you onto our bed and make you forget that…he…ever existed and I know that it would be so very, very obvious if anybody else were to talk to me

Buck: …

im asking pepa if she can take chris for the night

Eddie: Way, way ahead of you

private messaging: Buck and Maddie

Maddie: Is everything alright with Eddie?

It seems like he was being kind of an ass about the whole Tommy situation.

Our house is always open if you need a place to crash for the night 🙃

Buck: NOPE

everythings good here!

dont worry about it

eddie just had some other things on his mind

it wasnt really about that

Maddie: Alright, glad i dont have to go kick eddies ass!

invitation still stands, though 😁

Buck: nah eddie and i are gonna hang out tonight, but we could come over with chris tomorrow for supper!!!

Maddie: Sounds great! You two have fun!

(And see if you can get any info about Eddie’s mystery date 😉)

Buck: oh ill do my best alright

groupchat: the buddie bet

[ Maddie attached a screenshot]

Maddie: Crisis averted!!! 😮‍💨🎉

Chimney: Thank FUCK

I did not want to have to live through a repeat of the grocery story incident

Karen: Okay but all that for it to not even be about Buck hooking up with Tommy?!?!?!?!

I don’t buy it.

Athena: Agreed. There’s something fishy going on there… 😒

May: oh he was totally just jealous and told buck that it was about that guy he hooked up with last night or smth

Ravi: ur so smart

May: im glad you agree 😊

Athena: Hmmm… 😒

Ravi: what????????

Athena: Oh nothing…

Nothing at all...

Notes:

Ngl I genuinely think that this chapter possessed me halfway through. I don't remember writing half of that

Chapter 14: THAT BROWNIE WAS NOT METAPHORICAL

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: the buddie bet

Ravi: so my week is over and done with

gonna go kms now thanks guys

May: damn sucks to suck

Albert: Do a flip on your way down

Ravi: okay so this is suddenly not a safe space anymore

Hen: Stop being grumpy, Bobby made brownies

Ravi: LETS FUCKING GO

life has meaning again

the birds are chirping the sun is shining and i have a brownie in my hand

life cant get better than this

Maddie: It can when it’s your week of the bet! 😉

Ravi: maddie just know that i am throwing a metaphorical brownie at you right now

Chimney: Well then I’m metaphorically shielding her from the brownies and throwing one right back at you

Ravi: THAT BROWNIE WAS NOT METAPHORICAL

…

private messaging: Buck and Margaret

Margaret: Hello Evan! Your father and I heard that you hurt your ankle and are off work for the foreseeable future, so you are going to take the opportunity to come home this weekend. The tickets are already bought, you will be leaving Friday at 9 am. See you then.

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: soooo….

was i the only one to get that vaguely threatening text from our parents orrrrr…

Maddie: OH THANK GOD

I thought it was just me

Buck: “you are coming home this weekend”

WHAT DO THEY MEAN

Maddie: “Bring both of the children with you!”

AS IF IM NOT LITERALLY HEAVILY PREGNANT WITH ONE?!

WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT ME TO DO

LEAVE THE FETUS AT HOME?!?!?!

Buck: i cant believe that they already bought plane tickets without even checking in with us first

i cant even get out of it by saying i have work BECAUSE THEY SOMEHOW CAUGHT WIND THAT I SPRAINED MY STUPID FUCKING ANKLE

yet again they only give a shit when im hurt

Maddie: Oh my god literally how did they find out about that?!

Buck: i have a conspiracy theory that they planted a hidden camera in the couch they pity bought me

god i wish i had enough money (that isnt apart of the trust fund cause im not touching until theyre both dead in the ground) to replace it

Maddie: Does Eddie literally not have a couch in storage

Buck: NOT THE POINT RN MADS

is chim at least coming with

please tell me that chims coming with

Maddie: Buck I am so sorry

Buck: NO

NONONONONONONOONONONO

Maddie: He has work and he can’t get it off since you guys are still technically one man down 😢

private messaging: Buck and Chimney

Buck: im coming for your bones

Chimney: Come and get me crutchie

Buck: im telling maddie ur using slurs

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: oh they are gonna be the WORST when you tell them he cant make it

Maddie: Can I PLEASE tell them in the groupchat we’re both in?????

Please?!?!?!

Buck: uuughghgghhhhhhhhhh

Maddie: United front, remember?

Also, I’m pregnant.

Buck: i can already feel the headache this is gonna give me

Maddie: YOURE THE BEST I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Buck: yeah yeah yeah repay me by letting me be on jee duty while we’re there

Maddie: 💯💗

groupchat: Unnamed Groupchat (Margaret, Phillip, Maddie, Buck)

Maddie: Hey mom and dad, we’re so sorry but Howie can’t make the trip!

Margaret: But we already bought him a ticket!

Phillip: Why can’t he make it? Surely nothing can be more important than family.

Buck: Some of us have jobs that don’t allow us to take last minute vacations.

Margaret: Don’t be rude to your father, Evan. He was just asking a question.

Buck: If he doesn’t want a rude response, he shouldn’t ask a rude question.

Phillip: Just how do you think that it’s rude, Evan? We bought that ticket and it’s too late to get a refund. I think that it’s fair to ask why Howard can’t make it.

Maddie: He’s super sorry that he can’t make it. We would totally be willing to repay you the cost of the ticket!

Phillip: Don’t bother, Maddie.

Margaret: Evan, why don’t you ask your friend that we met at the hospital to come instead.

Buck: Who, Eddie?

Margaret: No, I believe that his name started with a T. Oh, what was it?

Phillip: Was it Tim?

No, wait, I think that it was Tucker.

Buck: You mean TOMMY?!

As in my EX BOYFRIEND?!?!

Margaret: There is no need to get short with us, Evan.

Maddie: Uh, actually I think that he has every right to be a little short with you Mom.

The proof that they were together was quite literally on Buck’s face.

And I told you that they broke up months ago!

Margaret: Well sorry I couldn’t remember all the details! Your father and I have had a busy few months and all of… that… was just a lot to take in and keep up with.

It was just so nice to see Evan settled down for once.

Buck: Wow.

Phillip: Oh don’t take things so personally Evan.

Buck: Actually I will take that personally, thanks.

For your information, I AM in a stable, healthy, loving relationship.

Margaret: Well that’s wonderful, Evan! Bring her with you, then!

Phillip: What your mother said! We’re very excited to meet her.

Buck: Well there’s two issues with that.

First of all, he’s a man.

Second of all, you’ve already met.

Margaret: It isn’t that captain of yours is it?

He is much too old for you, Evan.

Buck: OH GOD NO

EW EW EW EW EW

Maddie: Mom what the hell, that’s so gross 🤢

Buck: No, I’m dating Eddie. You know, the best friend who I introduced you to years ago at this point.

Phillip: Oh. Him.

Buck: Yes, him.

And he’ll be coming with me.

See you guys Wednesday.

We’re so excited.

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Maddie: Buck

Would you like to explain that to me

Buck: uhm

oops?

Maddie: OOPS?!

You two aren’t even dating!!!!

How, exactly, are you planning to pull this off?!

Buck: yep we aren’t dating you’ve got that right

itll be fiiiiiiine

weve pretended to be a couple plenty of times before nbd

Maddie: You haven’t even asked him yet!!!

How do you know he’s not busy?!?!

Buck: mads its eddie

its been pretty established that we have issues saying no to each other

plus we have a shared calendar and hes got those three days off anyways

Maddie: I just don’t want any feelings getting hurt Buck.

Buck: what feelings??

eddie would literally do the same for me

we’ve always got each others backs this isnt any different 🤷

Maddie: I am going to stop talking now

Go talk to Eddie

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: how would u feel abt fake dating me fri-mon

Eddie: Buck

And I cannot stress this enough

We are already dating

Buck: yeah but maddie doesn’t know that

and neither did my parents when they offered an extra plane ticket to my boyfriend

who i may or may notve said was u

Eddie: Excuse me.

Buck: you heard me

Eddie: So you want me to go with you to Pennsylvania… While pretending not to date you… While simultaneously pretending to date you

Buck: yup sounds about right!

Eddie: Who’s going to watch Chris?

Buck: i bet that hen and karen would be willing to take him, and if not, tia pepa would totally be down to

please baby????

Eddie: …This is only going to end in diseaster, I hope you know that.

Buck: eh itll be fiiiiine, trust

Eddie: That feels like foreshadowing

groupchat: the buddie bet

[ Maddie shared 2 screenshots]

Maddie: So I think that I’m winning this thing

Ravi: so ignoring how absolutely INSANE OF A THING THAT IS for one moment

can i please punch your parents

like in the face

hard

Maddie: I would give you permission, but unfortunately they are in Pennsylvania right now

Ravi: you could fit me in ur suitcase im flexible

Maddie: 😆

Bobby: Are you both going to be alright, Maddie? –Bobby Nash

Maddie: Yeah, we’re both pretty intimately aware of how to handle our parents

Plus, Eddie being there for Buck will be really good for them

They’ll probably be so preoccupied with “fake” dating each other that anything our parents say to him will go right in one ear and out the other lol

Athena: Well I hope everything goes well for you two, but we’d love it if you two would come over for dinner when you get back!

Maddie: Thanks, Athena, we’d both love that! 🥹

It will definitely be needed, especially for Buck.

Hen: Speaking of Buck, can we go back to the fact that he and Eddie are going to be fake dating each other?!

What part of that screamed good idea to him?!

Karen: Buck’s gonna Buck I guess

Chimney: Whatever wins my wife the bet ☺️

WHO DID THAT

Ravi: consider that my metaphorical brownie revenge 😘

Notes:

Well... this can only end well... 😈
(Been planning on this plot point for a while, so I'm super excited to see where this will go 😉)

Chapter 15: some fake boyfriend you are 😒

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT (Buck, Eddie, and Ravi)

Buck: ravi if anything happens to my cats I will force you to watch as I kill everyone you hold dear and then myself so you are left alone on an empty husk of a planet forced to constantly think about what youve done

Eddie: He means thank you for watching Tabitha and Constance for us. Right Buck?

Buck: sure

Ravi:

groupchat: a straight a gay and a bi walk into the room

Eddie: Chris, you’re SURE you’re okay with us leaving you with Hen and Karen?

Chris: dad

for the last time

JUST GO ALREADY

Buck: i think that means that he’s gonna be fine eds 😉

Eddie: God forbid I want to check in with my son

Chris: and it was sweet the first 5 times

its getting to be a bit much after 10

plus im staying with hen and karen

yknow a trained paramedic a rocket scientist and the mothers of my best friend?!

i think im gonna be better off than u guys

Buck: kids got a point

Eddie: Fine I’ll leave you be

But if anything happens at all you call me, understand?!

Chris: yes dad

now buck please take away his phone before i am forced to block him

Eddie: I can still ground you from Pennsylvania you know

Chris: thats what u think

private messaging: Ravi and Albert

Ravi: al come pick me up im scared

Albert: What did Buck do this time?

Ravi: i love how i didnt even have to specify

anyways

hes forcing me to watch his cats for him because apparently chim refuses to and now it is my sole responsibility to keep them from dying for fear of permenant bodily harm

Albert: I mean… they’re cats. It can’t be that hard.

Ravi: THATS WHAT I THOUGHT

UNTIL I MET CONSTANCE

WHO HAS THE SURVIVAL INSTINCTS OF A WET PAPER TOWEL

Albert: Omg

Ravi: i have only had them for two hours and she has already chewed on 4 cords, drank toilet water, attempted to stick her paw in an outlet, dug through my trash, attempted to eat an entire carton of rotten eggs i left in there, and while i was cleaning up the trash, tried to injest an. entire. plastic. bag.

in one gulp.

all the while tabitha was just looking on doing nothing.

look at mother of the fuckin year over here.

Albert: Oh wow.

What an.

I think evolutionary diseaster is the best descriptor.

Ravi: LITERALLY

dont let buck hear u say that tho

he is very protective over trash cat and trash cat jr

Albert: Well as of right now I think that it isn’t very likely that Buck will overhear anything I say so I should be fine to say whatever I wish

Ravi: youre so lucky that youre

where are u on your journey to finding urself again

cause like

i miss you

and a spontaneous roadtrip sounds very appealing rn

(buck would approve)

plus then i could dump the trash cats on chim!

Albert: Well

About that

Ravi: …did i just hear a knock on the door

Albert: Come let me in!

Ravi: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

SOMEONE TO HELP ME FIGHT AGAINST CONSTANCES DEATH WISH THANK THE LORD

oh yeah and i get to see u again for the first time in like 6 months

thats also exciting

…

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: on our way on 3 hours of sleep and 5 cups of coffee and counting! 🤪

Eddie: I hope that the person who designed LAX is having a shitty time in hell

Maddie: LITERALLY

Hen: Oh I do NOT miss the days of going to the airport with a toddler 😬

Maddie: Oh no Jee is doing fine

It’s Buck that’s the issue

Eddie: It gets more and more tempting every minute to get him a child leash

Buck: HEY

Eddie: Stop wandering off then!

Buck: sorry for feeling the thrill of adventure 😒

Eddie: Feel the thrill of adventure when we are not in the middle of LAX

Buck: arent u supposed to be my boyfriend 🤨

doesnt that mean ur supposed to be nice to me 🤨

Eddie: Not until we get to Pennsylvania I’m not

Until then it’s all fair game 😇

Buck: some fake boyfriend you are 😒

Ravi: as riveting as this conversation is can you please stop having it this early in the goddamn morning

Buck: no

Ravi: please bbg

i crave sleepy night night time

Buck: you using that phrase makes me want to vomit

Eddie: Plus Ravi, don’t work in an hour with everybody else?

You should be awake anyways

Ravi: no ive still got like three hours

wait

FUCK

YES I DO HAVE WORK IN AN HOUR

explains why everyone else isnt responding ig

Buck: sucks to suck loser

shouldve set an alarm

Ravi: I DID THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I BLAME YOUR STUPID ASS CATS

Maddie: Oh Ravi…

Ravi: WHAT

ITS TRUE

THEY BROKE MY ALARM CLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie: Look at him.

He doesn’t even know what he’s started.

Maddie: You almost have to feel bad for him.

Eddie: Almost.

Maddie: Almost.

Buck: probie.

what did you just call my cats.

my very sweet, very intelligent, very amazing cats?!

Ravi: …i just thought my words over and i am suddenly very glad that you are going to be across the country from me shortly

Buck: you underestimate how willing i am to miss this flight

Ravi: EDDIE HELP

Eddie: Don’t look at me, I probably want to be in the same room as the Buckley parents less than Buck does 🤷

Maddie: Sigh.

I hate being the only adult here.

Eddie: I’ve been demoted to problem child? 🥺

Maddie: More like enabling teenager 🙄

Eddie: If I stop Buck from escaping can I be promoted again?

Maddie: Yes

Wait

What do you mean by escaping?!?!?!?!

Eddie: Oh he’s been slowly inching towards the exits for the last 5 minutes

I was gonna say something but then you demoted me

Maddie: Oh my God

Go get him

Eddie: One moment

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Get back here

Buck: no

i must seek my revenge

Eddie: And I am seeking out my boyfriend so we can go duck around a corner and makeout for a while

But if he’s too busy…

Buck: nevermind revenge can wait

Eddie: That’s what I thought

groupchat: 118 friends and family: adults edition

Maddie: Eddie. Where did you go.

Eddie: I bribed Buck with a Cinnabon

Buck: i am very susceptible to bribes that involve baked goods

Ravi: soooo…

what im hearing is that as long as i have a cinnamon roll ready for you when you get back i may escape with my life

Buck: whatever helps you sleep at night

groupchat: the buddie bet

Maddie: I AM WINNING THIS THING

Chimney: HELL YEAH YOU ARE!!!!!

🎉🎂🎈🎇💖

Ravi: i want to throw up

Albert: Aim away from me please

Ravi: well i was gonna but now that you said something…

Albert: GET AWAY FROM ME

Ravi: MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Chimney: ALBERT?!

ARENT YOU IN LIKE TIMBUKTO OR SOMETHING?!?!?!?!?!

Albert: Oh yeah

I’m back

And staying with Ravi

Hi 👋

Chimney: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!

IF ONE MORE PERSON HIDES A MAJOR LIFE EVENT FROM ME ISTG

May: AND I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT THIS WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Ravi: we were too busy keeping constance from accidentally killing herself and/or us

Albert: I thought Ravi was exaggerating

He was not

Ravi: her nde count is at 12

Albert: MAKE THAT 13

SHES CHOKING ON AN UNCOOKED NOODLE

Hen: Dear lord 🤦

Chimney: She truly is Bucks cat

private messaging: Buck and Bobby

Bobby: Hope that you have a good flight and a good trip! Don’t hesitate to let me know if you need anything, even if it’s just to talk. We all love you, kid. Don’t forget that. –Bobby

Buck: dont make me cry in the middle of an airport omg

love u too tho cap ♥️

…

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: that was the longest plane ride of my life ☹️💔

Eddie: I know

Why did your parents have to book me a seat as far away from you, Maddie, and Jee as they could 😭

Buck: because theyre stupid and evil and dumb

Eddie: Hard agree

Speaking of…

I should proooobably mention that the last time I saw them I may or may not have chewed them out for a solid twenty minutes before we get to your house

Buck: EDDIE??? 😭

CONTEXT???????

Eddie: …Do I have to

Buck: yes

Eddie: …Fine

Okay so you were in your coma, right?

And I overhear your parents say something about how “he never takes care of himself” and “it has just been one disaster after another with him” and just other stupid shit

I was not exactly in the best mood, so I kind of exploded on them

Honestly I think I blacked out because the next thing I remember was storming out of the hospital to go get Chris

Buck: …this uber driver is so goddamn lucky that Jee and Maddie are in this car because otherwise they would definitely have to deepclean these seats

Eddie: Oh my God

BUCK

Buck: WHAT

is it WRONG to think that my boyfriend putting my parents in their place is incredibly sexy????

no??????

didnt think so

Eddie: I love you so much you absolutely ridiculous man

Buck:

i am so excited to piss off my parents with you babe <3

Eddie: Nobody I’d rather piss of your parents with than you <3

Notes:

Constance does not want to be staying with Ravi and is trying to find the quickest way out

Chapter 16: tomato potato i don't give a shit

Chapter Text

groupchat: The Buckleys and Buckley Adjacents (Maddie, Chimney, Buck, Eddie)

Buck: is it too late to get back on the airplane and turn around

Eddie: Unfortunately yes

Chimney: That bad already???

Buck: they have yet to acknowledge eddie exists outside of my dad putting out a hand to shake eddies

Eddie: I pretended not to notice

Chimney: LMAO

Buck: WHY ARE THEY OFFERING EDDIE A HOTEL ROOM

SPECIFICALLY EDDIE

THEY SAID I CAN HAVE MY OWN ROOM BUT “WOULDNT A HOTEL ROOM BE MORE COMFORTABLE FOR YOUR FRIEND?”

Maddie: I LEAVE THE ROOM FOR 5 SECONDS AND THEY DO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Chimney: Theyve never even tried that with me what the fuck?!?!?!?!?

Eddie: I told them that I’d rather stay with my boyfriend

They then told me I can take the couch

Buck:

Chimney: Do it

Bet I can convince Bobby and Athena to roadtrip to Pennsylvania

Buck can come home in her squad car and the rest come back with us

Eddie: Don’t tempt me with a good time

Buck: you underestimate how willing i am to do just that chim

Maddie: Okay I just finished putting Jee to bed I’ll be right there please refrain from committing arson

Chimney: Yeah don’t leave me out of it!

Maddie: And also not while our daughter is in the house?

Chimney: Oh yeah

That too

Buck: actually maddie on second thought please hold off for just a minute

Maddie: Wait why?

I’m coming anyways I’ll be finapidgaebgpbepbvdpebpeb;

Chimney: Maddie?!

Maddie: MY EYES

Buck: I TOLD YOU TO WAIT

Maddie: WELL I WASNT EXPECTING TO WALK IN ON EDDIE GROPING YOU NOW WAS I?!?!?!?!?!?!

Chimney: EXCUSE MOI

Eddie: I wasn’t groping him!

Buck: no no it was definitely groping

Eddie: Fine I may have been groping a little bit

But it was entirely worth it to see the look on your parents faces

Maddie: I can’t even dispute that

That was objectively very funny

Chimney: I cant belive Im missing this

Curse you for breaking your ankle Buck

Buck: okay so i sprained it

i didnt break it

theres a difference

Chimney: Tomato potato I dont give a shit my point still stands

private messaging: Chimney and Bobby

Chimney: Now Bobby

I know you said i cant take time off work to go to pennsylvania rn

BUT

What if

And hear me out

You make up some fake conference or something

(Hen could forge the documents and you know it)

And we take a group vacation to rescue my wife and daughter from the clutches of my evil in laws

Buck and Eddie too I guess

Only if there’s room though

Bobby: Unfortunately, there is not enough time for the higher ups to find replacements for all of us. Sorry, Chim. –Bobby

Chimney: SO YOURE SAYING YOU WOULDVE CONSIDERED IT IF I ASKED SOONER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!???!?!!!!

Bobby: I can neither confirm nor deny that statement. –Bobby

…

groupchat: a straight a gay and a bi walk into the room

[Chris changed the name of the chat to My Gay Dads: A Biopic]

Eddie: Why.

Chris: why not

you guys are gay

ur my fathers

when im famous this chat will probably be included in the biopic

it makes sense

Eddie: Great, I can’t wait to be cast as some D-list actor

Chris: only the best for u dad 🥰

Buck: chrriiissssss 😭

Eddie: I think you broke him 🙄

Chris: not my fault u babytrapped him

Eddie: I did not babytrap Buck!

Buck: omg wait u kind of did

Eddie: Babytrapping kind of implies that one of us had to have gotten pregnant, and last I checked, pretty sure that’s physically impossible

Chris: thats what you think

Buck: CHRIS

Chris: all im saying is that u guys are weird

you wouldve found a way if u thought about it sooner 🙄

Eddie: What are we going to do with you

Chris: love me until the day u die and also maybe venmo me 30 bucks cause im gonna go hang out with may harry and denny okay awesome thanks great talk love you byyeeeeeee

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: dont worry baby ill venmo chris this time

Eddie: This is because he called you his dad, isn’t it?

Buck: NO

...YES

ITS SWEET AND IT MADE ME CRY OKAY

Eddie: That kid knows exactly how to play you

Buck: i fully admit that he has me wrapped around his finger and has since he was seven years old

its too late to do anything about it at this point

private messaging: Athena and May

May: harry and i arent gonna make dinner tonight btw!!

Athena: Alright honey. What are you two up to?

May: were gonna go pick up chris and denny then head over to ravis apartment for a while

apparently hes got a new game that they all want to try out or smth idk

plus ravi and al (mostly ravi) have been needing reinforcements because APPARENTLY taking care of two cats is too much for two grown men to handle

Athena: I didn’t realize you and Ravi were close

May: yeah we really connected over how absolutely batshit this family is lmao

plus it turns out that hes actually super witty and fun to hang out with

plus plus its always fun to have someone to terrorize buck with 😉

Athena: Alright…

Just make sure to get the boys home at a decent hour!

May: i will dw!

and tell bobby i said hi!

Athena: I will! Drive safe! The two people I love most are in that car 😤

May: yeah yeah yeah i will

youve been saying that to me since i was 16 mom will it ever get old

Athena: Only when I’m six feet under 😘

private messaging: Bobby and Athena

Athena: Bobby, how old is Ravi again?

Bobby: I think that he’s around 26, why? –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Oh HELL no.

Bobby: Athena? Should I be concerned about Ravi? –Bobby ♥️

Athena: More like you should be concerned FOR Ravi once I get my hands on him!

Bobby: Love, please explain. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: I have reason to suspect that he and May are dating.

Bobby: What. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: You heard me.

Bobby: Has May told you that they are? –Bobby ♥️

Athena: No, but she may as well have.

[Athena attached a screenshot of her earlier conversation with May]

Bobby: Athena, you and I both know that that is only circumstantial. We shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Maybe not, but I’m going to be keeping an eye on that. 😒

That boy is not good enough for my May.

Bobby: Alright, Mama Bear. Put those claws away. Ravi is a perfectly nice young man, and May is old enough to be making her own choices. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Sure she is. However, she’ll never be too old for me not to question them.

Bobby: Athena. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Fine, fine, I’ll take a step back. But that boy had better watch his back!

…

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉

Eddie: I am just going to say that I am going to need a wine night BADLY as soon as we get back

Maddie: SAME

This is literally worse than hell

Eddie, I commend you for coming willingly

Eddie: [replying to message: Eddie, I commend you…] Unfortunately there are few things in this world that I wouldn’t do for Buck and visiting the Buckley parents is not one of them

Karen: Speaking of, how goes the fake dating?????

Maddie: It’s going too well.

Eddie: Buck told you to wait!

Maddie: AND I TOLD YOU I WASNT EXPECTING TO WALK INTO YOU TWO GROPING EACH OTHER
YET HERE WE ARE

Athena: Oh lord have mercy

Eddie: Honestly though this whole fake dating thing is a lot easier than I thought it was going to be

groupchat: the buddie bet

[Karen shared a screenshot]

Karen: I want to say something so badly

Bobby: Today on things I didn’t need or want to know happened.🤢 –Bobby Nash

May: there there bobby

Bobby: Thanks, May. –Bobby Nash

Athena: Karen….

Don’t meddle! 😤

Karen: Does it really count as meddling if my week has already passed??

Maddie: Okay so we added the rule at the beginning to keep them from being pushed too far…

However

They are literally doing it to themselves at this point

Chimney: TRUE

Ravi: i am all for this turn of events

if nobody responds to this message with complaints in the next 5 minutes then we’re making an official addendum

May: wait i feel like it should be a rule that u cant meddle during ur partner’s week

Ravi: ooo good point

any other complaints?? questions???? concerns?????

no?!?!

okay so new rule!!!

you can meddle as long as your week is already over AND it isn’t your romantic partner’s week

Karen: FINALLY

groupchat: how tf do we all know each other again

May: ravi i know u added that part abt romantic partners so that we can still meddle on each others weeks and just know that i love u for that

Ravi: you know me

always ten steps ahead 😎

Albert: You did not do that on purpose

I know better than that

Ravi: …no comment

May: last time i ever compliment u 🙄

shouldve known better

Ravi: HEY

May: also come let us in!!!!!

Ravi: greeeaaattttt

time to get bullied by a bunch of 14 year olds

cant think of any other way id want to spend my day

Albert: Stop being so dramatic you’re the one who suggested it

Ravi: shhhhhhh

May: come let us in before i let harry break down the door

Ravi: COMING

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉

Karen: Any particular reason why you think that it may be easier than you thought??

Eddie: Probably because Buck is my best friend?

Athena: Oh bless your heart

Eddie: Excuse you Athena I am from Texas I know exactly what that means

Karen: Don’t change the subject on me Eddie I-don’t-know-your-middle-name Diaz

I think that it may be a little bit deeper than that

Eddie: Buck’s just my best friend

I don’t know what you want me to tell you

Karen: Okay so I’m done beating around the bush

Eddie

And I say this with all the love in my heart

But you are stupid if you haven’t realized that you’re in love with Buck yet

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: FUCK

THEYRE ONTO US

Buck: WHAT

HOW

Eddie: APPARENTLY IM PLAYING THE “FAKE” BOYFRIEND A LITTLE BIT TOO WELL

Buck: well that makes sense since you are practically perfect 🥰

Eddie: STOP BEING ROMANTIC WHEN IM PANICKING OVER HERE

Buck: okay okay jeez

sorry for wanting to compliment my boyfriend 🙄

Eddie: Thank you Buck I love you Buck you’re perfect too Buck

NOW HELP ME

Buck: really feeling the love over here 😒

Eddie: EVAN. BUCKLEY.

Buck: fine fine fine

Eddie: Do I deny?????

Cause I kinda want to deny

Buck: no!

if theyre bold enough to be asking these questions they arent gonna lose the scent that easily!!!!!

Eddie: WHAT DO I DO THEN????

Buck: welllll….

we are doing this whole thing to torture them a bit….

Eddie: Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting???

Buck: i mean…

its not like youd be lying if you told them youre in love with me

just leaving out a few key details

Eddie: This is why I love you

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉

Maddie: Eddie???

You alive???

Karen: Oh god

Please don’t tell me I literally made his heart stop

Athena: Eddie, I am really not in the mood for a trip to Pennsylvania right now.

Eddie: Wow great to know that my personal health and safety is second priority to you not wanting to be in this hellhole of a state

Athena: Can you honestly say that you blame me?

Eddie: No comment

Karen: OH THANK GOD YOURE ALIVE

Hen never would’ve forgiven me if I’d killed the only other somewhat normal coworker she has 😞

Athena: Really? What about Bobby??

Karen: You’d be surprised

ANYWAYS BACK ON TOPIC

Eddie? Have you realized?

Eddie: …I haven’t not realized

Karen: WHAT

Athena: Never thought I’d see the day

Maddie: Good for you Eddie!

Eddie: …Oh god I’m fake dating the man I’m in love with

private messaging: Maddie and Chimney

[Maddie attached a screenshot]

Maddie: Howie, that new high tech baby stroller will be OURS!!!!!

Chimney: YES

OH MY GOD

I NEVER THOUGHT THE IDIOTS WOULD GET IT TOGETHER

Maddie: ME NEITHER

This almost makes this trip worth it

Almost

I only wish you could help meddle 😞

Chimney: ME TOO
IM LITERALLY THE BEST AT MEDDLING!!!!

Maddie: YOU LITERALLY ARE!!!!

Chimney: Sigh. I suppose I shall just resign myself to going to work and NOT interfere. What a boring life I lead

Maddie: Only two more days until we can come back and then we can be bored and not meddle together ♥️

Chimney: This is why I married you 👩‍❤️‍👨

Also for tax benefits

But mostly because I love you dearly

Chapter 17: who tf is phil?!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: MADDIE

Maddie: What do you want

Buck: so you hate me and want me to die

Maddie: Why is that your go to response for everything

You were raised better than this

Buck: okay so remember how you used to tell me to go join the oompa loompas when i would bug you as a kid

Maddie: not my fault theres a striking resemblance

Buck: speaking of things you bear a striking resemblance to….

CAN WE BRING JEE TO SEE PHIL

Maddie: Can we bring Jee to see who now?!

Buck: um hello??

punxsutawney phil????

our states pride and motherfucking joy??????

Maddie: YOURE SAYING I LOOK LIKE A GROUNDHOG

Buck: YOU SAID I LOOKED LIKE AN OOMPA LOOMPA

Maddie: 🖕

Buck: 🖕🖕🖕🖕

can we tho??????? 🥺

Maddie: Buck that is, like, three hours away

Buck: counter argument

that is three hours we get to be away from our parents

Maddie: Counter counter argument

They would want to come with

Meaning we would have to go through a three hour car ride there and back in a car with five adults and a toddler

TO SEE A GROUNDHOG

Buck: okay but like

what if we drive seperate

you mom and dad in one car

eddie jee and me in the other

Maddie: Excuse you

I birthed that child

Buck: fiiiine jee could go with you 😒

plus imagine how cute jee would look in this hat they sell

chimney would never forgive you if you didnt get her this

Maddie: …fuck

I would never forgive me if I didn’t buy her that

Buck: SO WERE GOING

Maddie: I’ll talk to mom and dad about it yeah

Buck: YOU ARE THE BEST SISTER EVER

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: EDDIE

THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Eddie: DID YOUR PARENTS HOUSE BURN DOWN?!?!?! 🎉🥳👯🎊

Buck: you are literally sitting in their living room

Eddie: A man can dream

Buck: no we get to go meet phil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥳

Eddie: Who is Phil

Buck

Answer me

Who is Phil?

???????

…

groupchat: The A-Shift

Ravi: i hate the word tingle

moist doesnt bother me

neither does damp

but tingle does smth to me man

Hen: And why, exactly, is this a groupchat conversation?

Chimney: Wait no Hen let the man speak

Ravi: see chimney gets it ☺️

Chimney: I actually in fact do not get it

However

You tend to dig yourself into holes the longer we let you speak

So keep at it 😊

Ravi: i actively despise you

Chimney: You came back to the 118 for me

Ravi: uh no

you just reminded me why i was a firefighter

i came back for the paycheck

theres a difference

Eddie: These notifications were not worth being woken up from a nap to look at

Ravi: sucks to suck loser

Chimney: Sucks to suck loser

HA JINX

Ravi: JINX

I HATE YOU

Eddie: Aren’t you all supposed to be on shift

Bobby shouldn’t you be doing something about this

Bobby: Despite the fact that this is my circus, and these are, in fact, my monkeys, the monkeys have revolted. I have given up on trying to do anything about it. –Bobby Nash

Chimney: Aren’t you supposed to be in Pennsylvania

Shouldn’t you have more important things to be worried about

Eddie: I’m in hell actually

Hen: Wow, it’s been a full four minutes and Buck isn’t coming in to defend his home state?

Chimney: Never thought I’d see the day

Ravi: almost enough to make a man shed a tear 😪

Eddie: [Voicenote where Buck is speaking, his voice a bit obfuscated by very obviously being in a car and Eddie giggling in the background: Okay so fuck you guys too Pennsylvania is the home of many wonderous things not my fault my parents also happen to reside in it. Pennsylvania has Hershey’s chocolate, it is the birthplace of the Constitution, and it has Phil. I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouths. Don’t speak ill of my state when I’m unable to defend myself for the next three hours!]

Ravi: who tf is phil

Hen: I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that he’s talking about the groundhog and not his father

Ravi: that explains so much less than you think it does

Eddie: Buck has decided that he and Punxsutawney Phil are on first-name basis just because they’re both from Pennsylvania

And now we’re bringing Jee to go see him despite the fact that he is three hours away

(On the bright side, we have to drive in two separate cars so Buck and I don’t have to put up with his parent’s bullshit)

Chimney: YOURE TAKING MY DAUGHTER TO SEE PHIL WITHOUT ME??????

Eddie: It’s Punxsatawney Phil to you, Chim. You don’t know him like that. -Buck

…

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: kill me /gen

Eddie: I’d rather not actually

You are not widowing me before we are even married

Buck: okay but like

hear me out

murder suicide

Eddie: And leave Chris all alone?

Buck: bring him too

full on family annihilation

like a vacation but significantly darker

Eddie: I am not annihilating anybody

Buck: party pooper 😩

but jfc if i have to hear my parents refer to you as my friend one more time i am going to crash. tf. out.

Eddie: Go calm yourself and look at Phil, baby

Buck: okay 😞

groupchat: the 118 friends and family: adults edition

Maddie: Buck’s face before he saw Phil:

Buck’s face after he saw Phil:

Eddie: I couldn’t tell who was more excited, Buck or Jee

Maddie: It was definitely Buck

Eddie: You’re right you’re right

groupchat: Wine Night!!!🍷🎉

Maddie: Also…

Eddie’s face when he saw Buck see Phil

Eddie: STOP IT

I JUST REALIZED I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM YESTERDAY

CUT ME SOME SLACK

Karen: Literally never

Athena: And what kinds of friends would we be if we did that?

Somebody’s gotta goad you into confessing!

Eddie: 👉😑👈

Maddie: There are words that I wish to say

Karen: There are words that I’ve been wanting to say

Athena: There are words that I will say.

Ask the boy out before you have a heart attack

Because we ALL know the SECOND that boy touches your arm now that you’ve realized it will be all over for you.

Eddie: Wow Athena you did not have to call me out like that

Athena: Actually I did

Contractual obligation

Once I married Bobby, his monkeys became my monkeys and now I have to put up with you lot too

Karen: Nice to know we’re just apart of Bobby’s circus to you Athena 😆

Athena: No no no, Karen you and Maddie are my circus.

Eddie, Buck and Chim? They’re allllll Bobby’s

Karen: What about Hen?

Athena: We split custody.

groupchat: the 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: god forbid a man loves a groundhog 😒

LOOK AT HIM

WHO WOULDNT LOVE HIM

Ravi: tabitha is reacting to this news with judgement

Albert: That cat reacts to everything with judgement

Buck: TABITHA!!!!

MY BABYYYYYYYYYYY

TELL HER I SAY HI RAVI

Ravi: i did

she hissed and ran away

Buck: aww she ran away from you?

im so proud

…

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: okay so i need you to come make out with me sloppy style right in front of my parents please and thank you

Eddie: Not that I’m complaining, but what did they do now

Buck: oh nothing

just started saying shit about how they cant wait for maddie to have the new baby and how they “cant wait for you to give us a grandchild evan!”

then when i brought up chris and they literally said that he doesnt count

Eddie: …I want to do so much more than make out in front of them but none of it is legal

Chris is yours in every way that matters

They have no right to discredit that

Buck: …eddie do not make me cry in front of phil

Eddie: I love you so much

Buck: love u more

Eddie: Literally impossible but okay

God now I want to do even more to piss of your parents

Like making out in front of them is NOT enough right now

Buck: …i just had a terrible idea

Eddie: …Go on

Buck: so this is not how i was planning on doing this but

theoretically

you know what would piss my parents off way more than me bringing home a boyfriend

Eddie: …What?

Buck: me bringing home a husband

Eddie: Buck

Buck you did not just propose to me over text in front of Punxsutawney Phil

Buck: so is that a yes orrrr…..

Eddie: Yes

Of course it’s a yes you ridiculous man

I cannot believe I am going to have to tell people that this is the story of how I got engaged oh my god I love you so much

Buck: YIPPEE

Notes:

ngl the entire reason this chapter exists is because i wrote an article for my school's newspaper about punxsatawny phil and now I have an absolutely ridiculous attachment to him

also, you may have noticed, but this is now part of a series! I'll be posting at least a couple additional fics with some scenes/arcs that I wasn't able to fit in the actual fic (plus maybe a sequel someday 😉) so keep an eye out!

Chapter 18: single man behavior 🫵

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: the buddie bet

Maddie: There is nothing more scarring than watching your little brother (platonically, as he has told me about a million times by now) shove his tongue down his best friends throat

Chimney: SCUSE MOI?!?!

[Hen, May, Athena, and Albert emphasized this message]

Ravi: didnt realize theyd reached the stage of platonically making out already goddamn

May: theyre moving so fast

like a deer running onto the freeway 💗

Karen: Oh it’s platonic for one of them alright…

Ravi: WHAT DO YOU KNOW

Karen: Crap

Did not process that this was not our wine nights groupchat

Ravi: THAT MEANS YOU MADDIE AND ATHENA KNOW

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?!?!

Chimney: My own wife?! Keeping secrets from moi?!?!?!

Hen: I know the feeling 😞

Karen: I’m sorry!!!!

It’s nothing we’re allowed to share!!!!!

Maddie: Yet, at least

Athena: It’d better be a yet I swear to all that is holy 😒

...

groupchat: the 118 friends and family

Ravi: can someone buy this for me 🥺

May: stop calling urself a minimum wage worker

my culture is not ur costume

you make at least 80k a year

Ravi: your point?

May: you are a landlord

Ravi: YOUR POINT?

Buck: single man behavior 🫵

Ravi: exCUSE you

i am NOT single

Chimney: HUH

Buck: SINCE WHEN

Ravi: like a year ago?????

did u not know this???????

Buck: may is he fucking with me

May: no i was just as surprised as u were

Buck: YOU MEAN THAT WHEN I WAS RANTING TO YOU ABOUT MY SINGLE PROBLEMS YOU ACTUALLY COULDNT RELATE

Ravi: nope 🫶

private messaging: Athena and Bobby

Athena: IS THIS FINALLY ENOUGH EVIDENCE FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?!

Bobby: I mean… It is compelling, but I don’t think it sounds like Ravi is talking about May. She said she was surprised when she found out, too. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Bobby, love, I am sorry but this has gone beyond plausible deniability for me.

Bobby: OK… I know when it’s too late to stop you, just… Please don’t maim Ravi enough that he can’t make it to work. I am already two men down. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: Don’t worry baby. He’s just going to wish that I maimed him ♥️

Bobby: That’s what I like to hear. –Bobby ♥️

private messaging: Athena and Ravi

Athena: I have my eye on you, Panikkar. One wrong move and you don’t want to know what I’m going to do.

Ravi:

groupchat: GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT

[Ravi shared a screenshot]

Ravi: I AM SO FUCKED

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID

I JUST KNOW THAT IM FUCKED

Eddie: Yeah you’re fucked

Ravi: NOT HELPING EDDIE

Buck: i dont believe she sent you that out of nowhere

what did u do

Ravi: I DONT KNOW

I JUST KNOW THAT IM CURRENTLY FEARING FOR MY LIFE

Buck: i dont know what youre expecting me to do about this situation ravi

Ravi: I DONT KNOW JUST DO SOMETHING

Buck: tell me in the next 15 mins or else u wont hear from me for the next 3+ hours

Ravi: ISNT ATHENA LIKE BASICALLY YOUR STEP MOM

CAN YOU ASK HER WHAT I DID

Buck: hmmmm

Eddie: Buck he is actively catsitting for us right now.

Buck: fine fine fine

i will

Ravi: THANK YOU BUCK

private messaging: Buck and Athena

Buck: hey thena!

Athena: Hi, Buck! How are you doing?

Buck: oh im doing as fine as one can be within a five mile radius of my parents

Athena: Well I’m glad your trip is at least going okay. How was seeing the groundhogs?

Buck: yeah the combination of eddie and jee being here (plus maddie i guess) has really helped

and the groundhogs were everything i was hoping for and more!

Athena: That’s great Buckaroo!

Buck: anyways back to what i wanted to ask about

can i ask if theres a reason youre threatening ravi???

not telling you to stop (in fact actively encouraging you not to) just curious

Athena: Don’t worry about it baby ♥️

Buck: okay! 😁

groupchat: GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT

Buck: yeah you are very very fucked

she didnt give me an answer im just getting those vibes yknow

Ravi: FUCK

...

private messaging: Buck and Maddie

Maddie: Jesus, Buck

Are you alright?

Buck: yeah mads its fine

im used to it

Maddie: It being fine is a lot different than it actually being fine

Buck: seriously maddie just drop it

Maddie: Sorry for not wanting to drop the fact that our parents just told my baby brother that he isn’t the kind of person people marry

Buck: its fine maddie seriously

im not talking about this right now

just go get in the car with jee

ill see you back at their house

Maddie: Are you sure, Buck?

Because I can ride with you.

In fact we could go drive to the airport right now

Buck: maddie it will be so much worse if you decide to ride with me and i dont want to hear it from them right now

and its only one more day

Maddie: Okay… just let me know if you change your mind

[Buck loved a message]

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: Hey fiance ♥️

Buck: i know youre just saying that to cheer me up

Eddie: Is it working though?

Buck: …a little

Eddie: Look, I know that you don’t want to talk about it, but you ARE the kind of person people marry

In fact, you’re the kind of person that I’m GOING TO marry

We may not have the rings to prove it yet, but you’re mine baby

Buck: …what if you change your mind though?

Eddie: I would never

Buck: yeah thats what the logical side of my brain is telling me

but theres this little voice telling me that im gonna fuck this up somehow and youre gonna walk away and take chris and the rest of the 118 with you

Eddie: Okay so first of all I would never do that to you

Second of all, Chris would never let me get away with never letting him see you again

He has told me many times at this point that you’re getting 50/50 custody if I manage to mess this up

You also get the 118 IF (and thats a big if) anything happens

I know how much it means to you, Buck

I would never take that away from you

Buck: thanks eddie

Eddie: You’re still spiraling, aren’t you?

Buck: maybe

Eddie: Need me to drive us back?

Buck: no ill be fine

im just frustrated with myself

even though i am being presented with all this evidence that my parents are wrong i just cant seem to get it through my own head that they actually are

Eddie: Let’s prove them wrong then.

Buck: what?

Eddie: We passed a church on our way here. Let’s go get married.

Buck: eddie

we’ve barely been dating a week

we’ve only been engaged for a few hours

Eddie: So?

Who cares

I love you, and I know that I’m all in. We’ve basically been married in every way but on paper for the past seven years why not put it into writing?

And we can have a big ceremony with everyone later. This can just be for us

Buck: …yeah okay

Eddie: Okay?

Buck: okay!

lets do it

Eddie: Fuck yeah

Buck: cant believe im gonna get married before i even get used to calling you my fiance

Eddie: Well you’ll have the entire drive to the church to get used to it

Then you’ll have the entire drive to your parents house to get used to calling me your husband ♥️

…

groupchat: My Gay Dads: A Biopic

[4 missed calls from Eddie]

Eddie: @Christopher pick up your phone

Chris: dad i cant

im in a vicious battle against may

harry and denny need me

Buck: trust me kid you might want to set the controller down for this one

Chris: literally what could be more important that minecraft bedwars

Eddie: Buck and I getting married, for one

Chris: …okay yeah i can see how that could be pretty important

[Incoming call from Christopher]

…

groupchat: v-bucks provided by may

Chris: just wanted yall to know that the absolute craziest shit just went down

im not allowed to say what it is

i just needed not be alone in this knowledge

May: is this a good crazy or a bad crazy??

Chris: its a very good crazy

honestly i dont even know why im surprised that it happened

Harry: buddie canon⁉️🫵🤨

Chris: no

Denny: hell yeah my mommas still have a chance!!!!

Chris: your parents are betting on when my parents will finally get their act together???

AND THEY DIDNT ASK ME TO GET IN ON IT?????

this is a betrayal

denny tell your mothers that theyre dead to me

May: …i probably shouldnt mention that i am also in on this bet

Harry: AND YOU DIDNT INVITE ME

May: YOU ARE STILL 17
THIS IS AN ADULTS ONLY BET

Denny: wait how much is in the bet???

my moms wont tell me

May: $2k

Denny: WHAT

Chris: MAY

MAY I WILL GIVE U INSIDER KNOWLEDGE IF YOU SPLIT THAT WITH ME

May: as tempting as that is my week is already well past

Harry: you really arent good for anything are you

May: excuse me

who drives you all around DESPITE HARRY HAVING A CAR

Harry: its better to split ur gas money four ways

May: remind me again why i didnt leave you on the side of the road as a child

Harry: im as lost as you are

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: HUSBAND 🫵

Eddie: HUSBAND 🫵

Buck: i cant believe we actually just did that

and i cant believe that it was your idea

Eddie: Hey you beat me to proposing so I had to make up for it

Buck: you more than made up for it

we even get to get married twice

and WITHOUT a divorce in the middle of it!!!!

Eddie: Better make that three times

We’re gonna have at least one vow renewal when we’re old and gray and saggy

Buck: course we are

chris can roll you down the aisle in your wheelchair

maddie and i can share a walker

WAIT MADDIE
FUCK

Eddie: ???

Buck: I FORGOT TO TELL MY SISTER I WAS GETTING MARRIED

WE HAVENT EVEN TOLD ANYONE THAT WERE DATING

I AM SO DEAD

Eddie: FUCK

WE ARE SO DEAD

Notes:

they should get the world record for speed running their relationship

Chapter 19: ThANkS bAbyGiRL 😍❤️‍🔥💏🤟

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Buck: heyyyyyy mads

Maddie: Aren’t you supposed to be driving 🤨

Please don’t tell me you popped a tire, got into an accident, rolled into a ditch, or all of the above

Buck: no eddie just left me at a gas station come pick me up 🥺

Maddie: HAH

Good one

Buck: damn that wouldve worked on chim

i miss chim

Maddie: Believe it or not, I also miss my husband

Buck: i miss him more i bet

hes a very nice buffer

eddie just makes things worse (said affectionately and encouragingly)

Maddie: God you’d think that Eddie “Soldier Boy” Diaz would’ve been the better influence out of the two of you

Buck: yeah youd be surprised

speaking of eddie…

Maddie: …Go on

Buck: promise you wont be mad 🥺

Maddie: I will make no such promises

Buck: fine then i wont tell you 😒

actually wait u scare me too much to leave u hanging

Maddie: Evan.

Buck: hahahaha so remember when you said it wouldnt be that crazy when u asked if i was in love with eddie

Maddie: BUCK

Have you finally figured out that you have feelings for him?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Buck: …one could put it that way yes

Maddie: I’M FREE!!!👯🥳🍹🎉

Buck: really madeline

Maddie: That isn’t my name and you know it evanothy

And you have not had to sit and watch SEVEN YEARS of pining!!!!!!!!!!!

At least now you acknowledge it!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I BE MAD ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?!

Buck: just you wait

Maddie: Oh I will be

Especially once you ASK HIM OUT

WHICH YOU’D BETTER DO

Buck: about that

Maddie: EXCUSE ME

YOU ASKED HIM OUT AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Buck: oh youre gonna hateeeee me

Maddie: Evan. Buckley.

What did you do.

Buck: lets just say there were rings involved

well

there will be

soon

Maddie: YOU GOT ENGAGED?!?!?!?!?!!?

Buck: worse

Maddie: divorced?

Buck: better

Maddie: MARRIED?!?!?!?!?!?!

Buck: ding ding ding! we have a winner!

i see you typing

why have u been typing for five minutes

Maddie: I am just

Trying to find a way to show my support while also metaphorically wringing your neck

Buck: would it make u feel better if i said u were the first one to find out

other than chris ofc

Maddie: Slightly

WAIT

WHEN DID YOU GET TOGETHER

AND PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS BETWEEN FEB 19 AND TODAY

Buck: this wouldnt happen to do with some kind of bet now would it??? 🤨

Maddie: …how do you know about that

Buck: I had my suspicions

then your husband proved me right

Maddie: Damn it Chim!!!

Buck: i love ur husband (sometimes) (dont tell him i said that)

Maddie: Please just tell me

Buck: nope

we officially got together on the 15th

Maddie: Oh my god you’re gonna hate this LMAO

Buck: oh no

please dont tell me…

Maddie: Actually it’s going to be funnier not to tell you

You can figure it out on your own time

Buck: this sucks i hate you i hate everyone i hate life

except for my husband (!)

i love him very much

Maddie: God you’re gonna be even grosser now aren’t you

Buck: chris says that we’re vomit worthy 😍

Maddie: 🤮

Only you would think that’s romantic

private messaging: Maddie and Eddie

Maddie: You’ve been keeping secrets Diaz 😤

Eddie: In our defense

Think of the look on Chim’s face

Maddie: …You make a compelling argument

However

YOU are hosting the next wine night

Eddie: Fair enough

I will be going to you if Athena throws wine on my shirt for marrying Buck without her blessing

Wait

FUCK
I FORGOT TO GET BOBBY AND ATHENAS BLESSING

Maddie: Oh you poor sweet naive man

I feel no sympathy ♥️

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

Eddie: Can I join you in the “I am so fucked” club

Ravi: ofc ofc

the more the merrier

can i ask why tho

thats like

a prerequisite for being allowed in

Eddie: All I can say is that Athena may hunt me down

Ravi: yknow what

i can live with that explanation

as long as i have someone i can live in fear with im happy 😁

Eddie: I don’t think I’ll be doing much living when her and Bobby find out but I appreciate the sentiment

Ravi: hey at least you know what you’ve done

or haven’t done

i dont know ur situation but i support you king 👑

…

private messaging: Eddie and Athena

Eddie: Athena, you are going to be mad about something in the next few hours. I can’t spill the beans about it yet, but please remember that it would be hypocritical to be mad because you did it first.

Athena: Boy I swear!

private messaging: Athena and Bobby

[Athena attached a screenshot]

Athena: Bobby I think May and Ravi got engaged.

Or married.

Without asking our permission.

Bobby: Athena, I think you may be jumping to conclusions. –Bobby ♥️

Athena: You’re no help.

I have to do everything around here.

Bobby: Love, please. I’m shortstaffed, remember? 🥺 –Bobby ♥️

Athena: They’re back tonight. You can deal with it for a few hours.

private messaging: Athena and Ravi

Athena: I know what you’ve done, Panikkar. Just some friendly advice? Watch your back.

Ravi: I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG 😭

Athena: That’s just making things worse.

Ravi: I CANT WIN AROUND HERE

groupchat: GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT

Buck: ravi we will be home in t minus 13 hours

my cats had better be safe and sound and accounted for when I get there 😡

Ravi: don’t worry buck theyre absolutely fine and looking forward to seeing you

Eddie: Thank you for watching them, Ravi

Buck’s just being ungrateful

Buck: not my fault ravi is untrustworthy

Ravi: YOURE THE ONE WHO ASKED ME TO WATCH THEM!!!!!!

Buck: yeah u were like plan f

Eddie: Play nice Buckley

Buck: fine

thanks babygirl

Ravi: dont have to sound so enthusiastic about that babygirl 😒

Buck: ThANkS bAbyGiRL 😍❤️‍🔥💏🤟

is that better

Ravi: no <3

private messaging: Ravi and Albert

Ravi: we never tell buck and eddie ANYTHING about what happened while they were gone, got it?

Albert: Was NOT planning on it, but I won’t.

Ravi: amazing

if that ever gets out i fear even eddie wont be able to talk buck out of what he wants to do to us

…

groupchat: Unnamed Groupchat

Maddie: Thank you guys for letting us stay with you and for the ride to the airport!

Margaret: Of course Maddie. We wouldn’t want you overexerting yourself in your condition.

private messaging: Buck and Maddie

Maddie: Buck I see you texting

Do not say what I know you are about to say. We do not need that kind of drama when we are literally on the way out of the state.

Buck: but eddie says that i should 🥺

Maddie: Eddie also said you should get married without me there

His opinion means nothing to me right now

Buck: your still mad about that 🥺

Maddie: Buck I literally found out less than 15 hours ago

And I’m not mad

Just disappointed

Buck: thats worse! 😩

Maddie: You can make it up to me by not starting drama 🤨

Buck: counter offer letting me say it can be your wedding gift to me

Maddie: Nuh uh nope doesn’t work like that

You don’t get a wedding present unless I am present

Buck: party pooper 😒

groupchat: Unnamed Groupchat

Phillip: Evan, aren’t you going to thank your mother and I for letting you and your friend stay with us?

Buck: He’s my husband now actually

And yeah

Thanks

private messaging: Maddie and Buck

Maddie: What did I just say Buck???

Buck: i couldnt help it!

you have no idea how long ive been wanting to yell at them for refusing to call eddie my boyfriend!!!!!!

Maddie: …The worst part is I can’t even be mad

Continue on

Buck: YIPPEE 🎉

groupchat: Unnamed Groupchat

Margaret: Evan, I thought you grew past attention seeking like this!

Buck: Sorry that me getting married to the love of my life is so unbelievable to you mom

Phillip: Don’t talk to your mother like that Evan.

Buck: For the last time, my name is Buck. Everyone who knows me calls me Buck.

Guess it makes sense why you don’t then.

Margaret: Evan Buckley!

Buck: Buckley-Diaz now 😊

Or at least as soon as the paperwork goes through

Anyways I’m going to turn my phone off now and enjoy my trip with my loving husband amazing sister and beautiful niece. Have fun living in Pennsylvania alone because you have driven away everyone you have ever claimed to love.

Toodles!

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Eddie: You’re so hot when you’re standing up for yourself 💗

Buck: haha glad ur thinking that

personally i am sweating through my seat

why did i say toodles

Eddie: It was a power move babe don’t worry about it 👨‍❤️‍👨

groupchat: My Gay Dads: A Biopic

Eddie: Hey, Chris! Just wanted to remind you that Buck and I will be getting on the plane in about an hour so we won’t be able to answer if you need us.

Chris: dad im fine

ive BEEN fine

to reiterate

i am staying with a paramedic and a rocket scientist and denny

literally what could go wrong

Eddie: I don’t know quite know what Denny could do in an emergency but I trust Hen and Karen

Chris: youd be surprised

Buck: [replying to: what could go wrong] tbf that is what a lot of people say when things go wrong

dont tempt the universe kiddo

Eddie: The universe is not a real thing however please don’t tempt it

Chris: getting some conflicting messages here dad

Eddie: Just. Be good for the last few hours. Please?

Chris: i make no promises (but i will who do you take me for)

Eddie: Good. Love you, mijo. Can’t wait to see you again!

Buck: ^^^^^

Chris: yeah yeah miss you guys too

…

private messaging: Buck and Bobby

Buck: hey cap your hearts all good now right??

Bobby: Yes, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health a few months ago, remember? Everything okay, kid? –Bobby

Buck: yep just checking! 😁

groupchat: the 118 friends and family: adults edition

Eddie: Finally leaving hell!!!

I mean Pennsylvania

Oops what a weird typo

Buck: 😒

Ravi: yay yippee we can all stop pulling doubles!

Buck: i would say im sorry but genuinely I think living in my parent’s house again was worse 😇

Hen: [replying to message: I mean Pennsylvania] YES

My only sane coworker will return 🤩

Bobby: What about me? ☹️ –Bobby Nash

Ravi: hen look what you did

you made bobby sad

Hen: NO BOBBY I’M SORRY

You’re just my boss not my coworker

You’re my only sane boss 😊

Bobby: 😁 –Bobby Nash

Chimney: Tbf Bobby does have his moments

Ravi: RIGHT?!
like when he literally scaled that wall earlier?

Buck: WHAT

Bobby: I had to rescue a toddler and there wasn’t time to get the ladder truck! There were extenuating circumstances. –Bobby Nash

Buck: bobby i never want to hear about being reckless from you ever again

Eddie: Anyways, Hen and Karen, we should be getting back around 3, so is it alright if we pick Chris up around 4-4:30, depending on LA traffic?

Hen: OFC!! I’ll still be on shift, but Karen should be getting home around then. The boys get done with school at 2:45, and Carla offered to drop them off at home for us, so they should be there whenever you get there!

Karen: Yeah, I get off at 3:30, so I’ll probably get there around the same time as you! 😍

Eddie: Awesome, thank you guys so much again for having him!

Hen: Anytime, Eddie. Your son is an absolute delight! 🫶

Buck: [replying to message: Anyways, Hen and Karen…] speaking of pick up time

ravi and albert we will be at your door at 4:30 and i will be getting in whether you are there to let me in or not

Ravi: @Athena buck is planning to break and enter!

Athena: I am willing to look the other way.

Ravi: fuck i forgot you’re mad at me

May: wait whys my mom mad at you?????

Athena: Oh he should know. If he doesn’t, that’s on him.

May: 🤨

okay…

Buck: oh yeah bobby dont let me forget to ask you about some new paperwork i have to fill out when we get back

Bobby: Alright, will do. Can I ask what it’s for? –Bobby Nash

Buck: eh nothing too big just workplace relationship disclosure form

like i said nbd

Chimney: WHAT

YOURE DATING SOMEONE AT THE STATION

WHO??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??

Eddie: Who do you think Chimney

Hen: Wait

Eddie does this mean what I think it means

Please tell me this is what I think it means

Eddie: Probably yeah

Athena: Just to clarify. You two are together now, right? This isn’t another fake dating situation?

Buck: no yeah ur right eddie is absolutely 100% stuck with me 💗

Eddie: Hell yeah I am ♥️

Karen: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May: FINALLY

[Albert, Hen, Athena, Chimney, and Maddie emphasized this message]

Ravi: may i do not know how you can be happy about this when our chances of a beach vacation are officially washed down the sink 😞

May: NO WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

NOOOOOOO

Albert: Damn it 💔

Chimney: Actually ☝️🤓 I think we 🧑‍🤝‍🧑 should be congratulating 🎉 my lovely 😍 wife 👩‍❤️‍👨 on her win 👑💰💸🤑

Buck: its so cute that you think you and maddie won

Chimney: Except we did Buckaroo!

Bet calendar proves it

In your FACE!!!

Hen: Wait 🤨

Does this mean you knew about the bet

Buck: duh

and chims still wrong btw

we did not in fact get together on any of maddie’s days

Chimney: WHAT

Maddie: Unfortunately, I can confirm that we are not the winners Chim 😞

Chimney: YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?!?!?!!?!??!?!

THE BETRAYAL 🥺

Maddie: For about 15 hours, yeah 🙄

Chimney: Okay that makes me feel better than

I’ll soften it

the betrayal 😶

Maddie: That’s better ♥️

I’ll make it up to you don’t worry ♥️

Chimney: ♥️♥️♥️

Ravi: [replying to message: we did not in fact…] YOUVE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

BABYGIRL HOW COULD YOU

Buck: need i remind you that you’ve also been secretly dating someone for a year

Ravi: okay but like

that wasnt on purpose

we just forgot to mention it 🤷

Athena: [replying to message: need i remind you that…] Don’t remind me.

Ravi: ATHENA JUST TELL ME WHAT IVE DONE IM BEGGING YOU

I DO NOT LIKE BEING ON YOUR BAD SIDE

Hen: Ravi do NOT change the subject right now

Buck, Eddie, I am so happy for you but you have to tell us what day you got together on right now or Karen is going to have an aneurism.

Karen: That’s true, I had to go on my break because I’m vibrating too hard to do my job right 🤪

Eddie: Why should we tell you when you guys were betting on us in the first place? 🤨

Buck: amazing point eddie

May: calling that thats the reason you havent told anyone yet

Buck: you know me so well 😊

Chimney: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?!?!?!?!

Eddie: If there was a bet about Bobby and Athena, there was a bet about us.

Buck: then i asked you about it chim and you freaked tf out

thats how we knew

Chimney: fuck

Hen: Come on boys

Just tell us

Reminder, I have been watching your child for the past week 😒

Buck: fine fine fine

it was feb 15th at 9:30 pm in the middle of a bathroom 😁

Eddie: Buck do NOT phrase it like that oh my god

Ravi: OH MY GOD

FINALLY

I GOT A WIN

Buck: no

no no no no no

maddie

maddie tell me this isnt true

Maddie: Oh it’s true all right

Ravi: SUCK IT LOSER

THAT BEACH VACATION IS OURS

May: FUCK YES

Albert: WOO HOO

HELL YEAH

Karen: I feel like I should be saying something over you three teaming up but honestly I respect the hustle

Ravi: this is why you and hen are my favorites ♥️

Chimney: GOD DAMN IT

YOURE TELLING ME I WOULDVE WON?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!???!?!?!?

Eddie: I feel as though there’s a story here I’m missing 🧐

Karen: We’ll fill you in over wine night 😊

At your house.

You owe us.

Eddie: Fair enough 😆

Bobby: Eddie, Buck, congratulations! This has been a long time coming, and I am very happy for you both. Have a safe flight. Athena and I can’t wait to have you over for a celebratory dinner in the next few days! –Bobby Nash

Buck: you aren’t made that we didnt tell u 🥺

Bobby: No, since you haven’t been at work, there aren’t any issues. And I can’t be one to talk about hiding a relationship! As long as you invite us to the wedding there are no issues. ♥️😊 –Bobby Nash

Buck: um

about that

Bobby: Excuse me.

Athena: Boy, you didn’t.

Buck: …we kinda did

Chimney: WHAT

IM HAVING HEART PALPATATIONS

Maddie: Howie please do not have a heart attack right now

Chimney: I make no promises

Maddie: 😐

Chimney: …But I will try ♥️

Maddie: That is all I ask ♥️

Eddie: Athena before you put me on your shit list please remember what I asked of you earlier.

Athena: You are forgiven, but it is not forgotten mister.

You’re just lucky I don’t have the will to have two people on my shit list right now. 😒

[Eddie loved this message]

Eddie: Don’t worry, we’re going to have a second marriage that you’ll all be invited to!

[Athena, Bobby, Hen, Chimney, Maddie, Karen, May, and Albert loved this message]

May: youre fucking married what

buck

i knew you were insane but this is genuinely crazy shit

Buck: i know 😊

isnt it romantic 😊

Ravi: how is it that ive been seriously dating someone for a year and im not even engaged yet while these two motherfuckers werent even dating for a week before they got married

Eddie: It was a week exactly, actually 😇

Ravi: iT waS A wEeK eXacTlY aCtUAlLy

Buck: hey dont talk to my husband like that 😤

Ravi: ill talk to your husband however i want buckley 😤

Buck: thats buckley-diaz to you now panikkar 😡

Ravi: how about jackass instead???

Buck: how about you meet me outside!

Ravi: oh youre ON

Maddie: As riveting as this is, we do need to be getting on a plane in less than 3 minutes

Wait where did Buck go

Buck: FUCK

I LOST TRACK OF TIME

Eddie: Buck I literally turned by back for five seconds where are you

Buck: a man had to piss 🤷

Maddie: Buck if you miss this flight because you were in the bathroom I swear to God!

Buck: IM COMING IM COMING

Chimney: Run Forrest, run!

Hen: Honestly after the stuff he and Eddie pulled, I say he deserves to be left in Pennsylvania another night or two

Maddie: Believe me it was tempting 😔

Buck: IM HERE IM HERE

i had to mow down an old lady and almost tripped over a small child i hope youre happy 😓

Eddie: I am 🖐️

That was extremely entertaining

Karen: PLEASE TELL ME YOU GOT THAT ON VIDEO

Eddie: What kind of man would I be if I didn’t? 😊

Karen: I LOVE YOU

Buck: arent you supposed to be my husband

Eddie: I am

I just also had best friend duties to fulfill

Buck: 👎

okay we’re turning our phones off while we’re on the plane see yall in 7 hours!!!

Ravi: really hope you dont get into a plane crash and have to eat eddie to survive 😊

Buck: okay thats unrealistic

im definitely the one being eaten in that situation 🙄

i got the most meat on mah bones

Ravi: ew stop talking about your meat

Eddie: Buck stop talking about cannibalism and board the plane please

Buck: coming!

Ravi: for eddie? unsurprising

Buck: blocked

Ravi: HOORAY

Buck: just for that

unblocked

Ravi: kmsing

May: only you can turn that into a verb

Ravi: 😇

…

groupchat: My Gay Dads: A Biopic

Chris: okay dont freak out

but um

remember how i said nothing can go wrong?

turns out

a lot of things can go wrong

Notes:

okay so this somehow ended up being the longest chapter in the fic so far? oops? genuinely I think I blacked out while writing this and when I came too it was completed 🫣

Anyways hope u guys enjoyed the reveal! And if you're wondering what happened with Tabitha and Constance while Buck was gone, keep an eye out for the next fic in the series, Ravi and Albert's Adventures in Catsitting! It should be out within the next couple of weeks 😉

Chapter 20: sorry bud, shouldn’t have committed arson

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Christopher and Denny

Chris: good news firefighters have been alerted 👍

they are my fathers who are just getting off of their flight

but they have been alerted

Denny: jfc CHRIS

I TOLD YOU TO CALL 911

Chris: no u told me to call the firefighters

i did

they just didnt answer so i texted them instead

Denny: CHRIS I AM TRYING TO KEEP A NEON GREEN FLAME FROM IGNITING OUR HOUSE

CALL THE DAMN FIREFIGHTERS BEFORE THEY GET HOME

Chris: do you really want the 118 showing up here

like really truly

Denny: I HONESTLY DONT CARE

I JUST WANT TO STILL HAVE A HOUSE BY THE TIME THEY GET HERE

Chris: STOP YELLING AT ME LIKE THIS IS MY FAULT!!!

Denny: IM YELLING AT YOU BECAUSE IT IS YOUR FAULT

CALL 911 RIGHT NOW OR IM TELLING BUCK ABOUT YOUR PART IN THE TABITHA INCIDENT

Chris: NO

HE CAN NEVER FIND OUT

IM DOING IT RN

private messaging: Ravi and Christopher

Chris: ravi i know ur on shift rn give me a rundown of everyone else who is

Ravi: literally why do you need to know that

Chris: literally it is not any of your business

plus remember

you owe me

Ravi: you tell your fathers i am NEVER catsitting for them again

it has cost me a favor to a 14 year old $1300 and my self respect

Chris: ravi i want to keep bullying u but this is vitally important information

Ravi: jeez fine okay

bobby hen chim and i are the ones you know

perez is also filling in today

Chris: okay so this is worst case scenario but whatever

Ravi: ?????

Chris: dont worry youll know soon enough 😊

Ravi: that is way less reassuring than you think it is

Chris: i am well aware

…

groupchat: Double Date Central (Hen, Karen, Maddie, Chimney)

Maddie: @Hen @Karen I just got off the plane when Linda texted me telling me that she had to dispatch someone to your guys’s house?? Is everything okay???

Hen: We don’t know yet, but we were the ones who were dispatched, so I suppose we’ll know soon enough.

Karen: What! What’s going on!!!!

Chris and Denny should be home by now. Are the kids okay?!?!?

Chimney: We got a call from someone claiming to be your neighbor Christoffel Fakeman saying he and his friend Benny Bilson saw smoke coming from the garage

Hen: The son of Freddie Fakeman I’m sure 🙄

Maddie: Oh my lord

Karen: Jesus

Benny Bilson???

Really?!

I thought we raised our son to be smarter than this

Maddie: You underestimate the stupidity of teenage boys 🙄

Chimney: As a former teenage boy, I second this

Maddie: Just let me know if everything’s alright

Hen: Will do

Karen: I’ll be home in about a half hour so I’ll probably be there as you’re leaving

Chimney: Wait

Has anyone told Buck and Eddie what’s going on???

Maddie: Shit

Both of their phones are dead

I had to call an Uber for them

They’ll be getting to your house in about 15 minutes

Hen: Well that’s Christopher’s funeral

Chimney: Wait if Eddie and Buck are married now

Does that make me an uncle?!?!?!

Hen: Chim, you’re the last one to realize that

Chimney: Oh God

Does that mean Bobby is going to make ME discipline Chris?!?!

Maddie: Well Hen won’t be yelling at him since she’ll be too busy yelling at Denny, and Bobby definitely won’t

Chimney: Why NOT Bobby?!?!?!!?!

Maddie: Grandparent rules

Chimney: SHIT

I don’t want to discipline Chris! 😭

Karen: My advice? Don’t even try. That kid will laugh you out of the country if you do.

Maddie: Just wait until Buck and Eddie get there, they’ll do it all for you

Hen: They??? If you think Buck is yelling at that thing you know your brother a lot less than I think you do

Maddie: Fair point

Correction: Just wait until Buck and Eddie get there, Eddie will do it all for you while Buck nods in the background and tries to keep a straight face (it will all be over for him as soon as he and Chris make eye contact)

Hen: LMAO

5 bucks says he does exactly that

Chimney: I’m not betting against something that is 100% going to happen

[Karen laughed at this message]

Hen: Alright, we’re pulling up to the scene now, we’ll let you know how it goes

[Maddie, Chimney, and Karen gave this message a thumbs up]

…

groupchat: My Gay Dads: A Biopic

Chris: okay dont freak out

but um

remember how i said nothing can go wrong?

turns out

a lot of things can go wrong

Read 3:54 p.m.

Eddie: Christopher?!

Buck: this is why we dont test the universe!

Eddie: Buck do NOT talk universe with me right now

Christopher, what is going on?!

Christopher if you do not answer your phone within the next 10 minutes I swear to God!

Buck: there hasnt been another tsunami right?!

Eddie: I don’t think so!

We would’ve heard about it!!!!

Buck: the uber driver says no so i think we’re good

Eddie: Buck I am sitting right next to you

Buck: right

why can i smell smoke???

Eddie: More importantly, why is the 118 here?!?!!

Buck: WHAT

groupchat: The A-Shift

Buck: WHY

WHAT

WHO

Chimney: Ah so you’ve finally charged your phones

Eddie: Chimney tell me what the fuck is happening right now

Ravi: no swearing in the work groupchat eddie 😒

Eddie: I literally do not give a shit right now is my son okay Ravi yes or no

Ravi: oh that little shit is completely fine

Buck: okay so dont call my son a little shit

Ravi: he can stop being called a little shit when he stops setting neon green fires in people’s garages

also when he stops extorting me but i feel like thats a seperate issue right now

Eddie: Coming back to that later but WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE SET A NEON GREEN FIRE

Hen: Yep. Thankfully, concerned neighbors Christoffel Fakeman and his best friend, Benny Bilson called 911 before it got too bad 🙄😒

Eddie: Buck I blame you

Buck: what!!!!

Eddie: Okay sure pretend like you don’t know what’s going on Mr. Fakeman

That is all your influence

Buck: says the guy who babytrapped me!

Eddie: You babytrapped yourself!!!!!!!

Ravi: as fun as it is getting to witness your first married couple fight you guys should probably come save your child from the wrath of bobby

Chimney: No no no take your time

I am thoroughly enjoying getting proved wrong in real time

Buck: ????

Hen: Bobby is chewing our children out BIG TIME

I can see the fear of God in their eyes

Eddie: Good.

Buck: they should just be glad athena didnt show up

you only know true fear when staring down a pissed off athena

Ravi: dont i know it 😔

Chimney: Yeah yeah we’ll send flowers to your funeral not what we’re focusing on rn

…

groupchat: v-bucks provided by may

Chris: @May HELP

Denny: @Harry YOU TOO

ALL HANDS ON DECK

SOS

JAILBREAK IS REQUIRED

May: ?

Chris: so uh

we may or may not have tried doing a science experiment in hen and karens garage and long story short

green flames and the 118 were involved

Denny: WHY HAS NO ONE EVER TOLD ME HOW SCARY BOBBY CAN BE WHEN HE WANTS TO BE

Chris: we are literally only able to talk rn because my dads and karen got here at the same time and bobby is debriefing them

i think chim is getting popcorn from the fire engine

Harry: oof the first bobby crashout is always the worst

May: i have no idea what youre talking about

i am a perfect angel so bobby has never yelled at me ever 😇

Harry: you are a big fat dirty liar

May: wow so youre calling me fat now?!

Harry: NO

STOP THIS

May: shouldnt have gone there then harry 🙄

as for denny and chris…

yeah im not getting in the middle of that good luck 🥰

Denny: NO MAY

HELP US

my mom is starting to lecture us on the proper scientific method!!!!!!!

Harry: shouldnt have lit a fire then smh

rookie mistake

May: coughhypocritecough

Harry: i am catching so many strays rn

Chris: i cannot afford to catch anymore so i welcome you taking them for now

Denny: THIS WAS ALL YOUR IDEA CHRIS

Chris: YOURE THE ONE WHO LIT THE FIRE DENNY

May: boys boys youre both grounded

go woman up and take it

Chris: yes maam 😔🫡

Denny: yes maam 😔🫡

Harry: yes maam 😔🫡

May: why are you saying yes maam

Harry: I GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT OKAY

…

groupchat: My Gay Dads: A Biopic

Chris: anyways haha isnt is so crazy that you guys are married now

Eddie: Nice try.

Chris: damn it

Buck: not exactly helping your case their bud

Chris: okay but can we at least admit that green flames are kinda cool

Eddie: Not if Buck doesn’t want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Buck: …currently the neon green flames are not that cool

we’ll see what tomorrow brings

Eddie: 🙄

You’re lucky I love you

Buck: aww love you too husband 💍👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨🕺🕺🥰💗

Chris: AUGH EW BARF VOMIT

you guys have a private chat

USE IT

Eddie: Part of being grounded is having to watch us being a little bit gross

Sorry bud, shouldn’t have committed arson

Chris: 🤮

i shouldve taken my chances and gone rogue with albert

he and ravi arent gross like this

Buck: WAIT SHIT RAVI

TABITHA

CONSTANCE

Eddie: CRAP

How much do you think it’s going to be to get this Uber to turn around…?

Buck: way too much money 😔

Chris: hey i suggested riding in the firetruck but nooooo

Buck: shush grounded children dont get a say

Chris: rude

[Buck gave this message a thumbs down]

private messages: Buck and Ravi

Buck: going to be late ish

Ravi: eh works out for me im just getting off of shift

Buck: damn i was looking forward to not having to see you 😔

Ravi: damn i was looking forward to releasing tabitha into traffic 😔

Buck: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

now im not even gonna give you an idea of when we’re getting there

we’ll just show up

could be in five minutes could be in two hours youll never know

Ravi: ill just ask eddie

eddie will tell me

Buck: eddie wont tell you shit

Ravi: okay but eddie loves me ever think about that

Buck: HE LOVES ME MORE

AS EVIDENCED BY THE RING THAT WILL SOON BE ON MY FINGER AS SOON AS WE GET AROUND TO GETTING THEM

Ravi: wow jealous much

Buck: fuck

off

Ravi: no <3

private messages: Buck and Christopher

Christopher: okay we’re alone now while dad haggles with the uber driver

what did you really think of the neon green flames

Buck: …they were pretty cool

Chris: YES!!!

Buck: christoffel fakeman though?

really???

not even any alliteration smh

Chris: okay so i dont want to hear it freddie

bet you didnt even come up with an elaborate backstory 😒

Buck: oh you KNOW i did

there may or may not have been russian spies involved

Chris: WAIT NO WAY ME TOO

youre just like me frfr

Buck: ABORT

eddies coming back

this conversation never happened 🫵🤨

Chris: 🤐

what conversation?

we never had any conversation

in fact ive never met you before in my life

STRANGER DANGER

Buck: wow i think broadways calling

Chris: i always knew i was destined for the stage 😇

Notes:

Chris really is his fathers child (both of them)

Chapter 21: if only i had a gun

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

groupchat: the 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: MY EYES

[Buck sent a voice memo of himself screaming, Ravi’s muffled voice in the background screaming at him, words too distorted to discern.]

kill me

genuinely kill me right now

like take a shotgun level it at my head and pull the trigger

Ravi: if only i had a gun

Athena: Ahem.

Ravi: THEORETICALLY

METAPHORICALLY

ANY WAY TO NOT INCUR THE WRATH OF ATHENA GRANT-NASH

Athena: Oh it is much too late for that.

Ravi: dont remind me i have bigger issues to be worried about rn 😭

Hen: I feel as though I am going to regret asking but what issues are they???

Karen: I’m going to take a wild guess and say that they relate to Buck’s issues

Buck: I SAW HIM NAKIE

Eddie: Excuse me

Athena: EXCUSE ME.

Bobby: Officially turning my phone off for the next 20 minutes! Please feel free to call me if anything urgent arises.👍 –Bobby Nash

Ravi: W H Y

THIS STUFF ALWAYS HAPPEN IN GROUPCHATS IM IN WITH BOBBY ISTG

i have made the executive decision we are moving to the chat that shall not be named

i refuse to let this conversation even have a chance of being leaked

May: WAIT IM NOT IN THAT ONE ADD ME

[Ravi reacted to this message with a thumbs up]

Athena: 😒🤨

groupchat: if bobby sees this i (ravi) request to be buried alive

[Ravi added May and Albert to the group]

May: woah this is like being allowed to sit at the adults table at thanksgiving

Albert: I feel so honored

Buck: YOU DONT GET TO FEEL ANYTHING EXCEPT SHAME

Hen: Okay this gossip seems too good to leave my wife out of it

[Hen added Karen to the group]

Karen: Ooo yay entertainment for my lunch break!

Chimney: My wife is currently reading over my shoulder and says she doesn’t want to be added to anymore groupchats where she may have to read about her brother’s “sexual exploits” 😁

Buck: okay so this doesnt have anything to do with MY sexual exploits

Ravi: for once

Buck: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS

May: @Eddie can u translate pls 🥺

Eddie: I’m afraid that the only thing I saw was Buck come running back to the Uber, hands over his eyes muttering something about being too young to see that without anything we came for

I had to tip the Uber driver extra to buy me enough time to go up to grab our cats and their supplies from Ravi (whose face was the exact shade of a tomato)

Ravi: okay so you didnt have to add that part

Eddie: I did, actually

May: ravi elaborate

Ravi: WHY ME

WHY NOT BUCK

May: buck has a tendency towards exaggeration

Buck: NO I DONT

Eddie: Yes you do

Buck: yes i do

Chimney: WHIPPED 🫵

(Maddie told me to do that)

[Buck reacted to this message with a thumbs down]

Ravi: so basically buck broke the door down without knocking

Eddie: Again?!?!?!

Buck!

Your ankle isn’t even healed from the last time yet!!!!

Buck: LIES

I KNOCKED ABOUT 50 TIMES

I TRIED TO PICK THE LOCK BUT THERE WASNT ONE

IT WAS THE LAST RESORT

Ravi: CALLING

TEXTING

THROWING ROCKS AT MY WINDOW

FUCKING CARRIER PIGEON

IT MOST DEFINITELY WAS NOT THE LAST RESORT YOU JUST WANTED AN EXCUSE TO BREAK DOWN A DOOR

Buck: …to be fair i havent gotten to in a really long time

Ravi: thats what you get for being out of commission beCAUSE YOU BROKE DOWN A DOOR

Hen: Boys, as riveting as this whole thing is, please get to the good part!

Ravi: FINE

so basically

May: do not chicken out on me now ravi panikkar

Ravi: 🖕

i was getting ****** by my *********, ****** *** on the ******* when b*ck kicked down the door

Karen: And we called Buck overdramatic 🙄

Albert: I, for one, appreciated the censorship

Buck: of course YOU did

Eddie: 🤨

May: buck want to uncensor that for us??

Buck: fine

“i was getting fucked by my boyfriend, albert han, on the counter when buck kicked down the door”

i hated typing every single letter of that btw

May: oh thats it

i thought ravi was going to say he like

was tied to the ceiling naked or smth

that was anticlimactic 🙄

Chimney: WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK

Ravi: see why i censored it now

Buck: im traumatized

Ravi: we have literally showered in the same room together

Buck: THATS NOT THE SAME

CONTEXT MATTERS RAVI

Chimney: Hey guys this is Maddie, I took the phone from Chim when he collapsed to the ground and started wailing.

I would like to reiterate

What

The

Fuck

Eddie: Since when have you two been a thing???

Ravi: oh you are NOT going to like the answer to that one

Karen: ALBERT IS THE SECRET BOYFRIEND?????

Ravi: okay so it wasnt secret secret

i just did NOT realize that my albert was also chim’s albert

Albert: In my defense I also did not realize that my Ravi was also the 118’s Ravi

Chimney: LITERALLY HOW

Ravi I can understand his name is somewhat common

BUT ALBERT?????

LITERALLY HOW MANY PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF 80 DO YOU KNOW WITH THAT NAME

This is Chimney back btw (Maddie wants me to say that she would have said the same thing but she would’ve said it in a nicer way)

Ravi: dude the penpal i had when i was 12’s name was albert its more common than u think

Albert: Woah no way I also had a penpal at that age named Ravi!

Ravi: wait what thats crazy

Eddie: Buck, I still don’t believe in the universe, but if I did, I would say that it is punishing us

Buck: well i DO believe in the universe so i AM going to say that it is punishing us

May: imagine my pain of having to put up with both pairs of you AT THE SAME DAMN TIME

Buck: WAIT YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT

May: yeah but only for like three weeks

i knew that they had feelings for each other i just thought ravi was projecting his unwillingness to admit them onto you and eddie

Ravi: HEY

May: turns out he was just missing his boyfriend and needed smth else to occupy his time 😊

Ravi: i could kick you out of the beach vacation you know 😊

make it a romantic week out for al and i

May: i could tell everyone in this groupchat about you know what 😊

Albert: NO

RAVI TAKE IT BACK

Ravi: you dont want to go on a romantic trip with me 🥺

Albert: I would love to but unfortunately May has better blackmail on us than we do on her 😔

May: like its such a chore to hang out with me 🙄

guess ill just go hang out with my gf instead of you losers 😒

Ravi: oh you mean the girl at that deli you always go to that you insist you’re in love with despite never interacting with her once

May: SHE SMILED AT ME TODAY RAVI

LET A GIRL DREAM

Eddie: She????

May: oh oops i forgot i hadnt come out to most of you yet

surprise! i like girls

Buck: WOO YAY YIPPEE

welcome to the girl likers club may!!!!! 🎉🎁🍷

[Hen, Chimney, and Karen emphasized this message]

Eddie: That cannot be a real thing

Chimney: Not like you’d know anything about it Eddie

Eddie: …Fair point

Karen: [Reacting to message: surprise! i like girls!] Congrats on coming out honey!!

[May loved this message]

Hen: Come over soon and we can have a celebratory meal!

May: YESSSSSSSS

Buck: can i come 🥺

Hen: Only lesbians allowed, sorry Buck

Karen: And Denny

Hen: And Denny

May: okay but he doesnt count

he’s like an honorary lesbian

Buck: can i be an honorary lesbian for one (1!) night pleeeaaassseeee 🥺😭😣

May: ill allow it

Buck: YES YAY YIPPEE

Eddie: If Buck is an honorary lesbian what does that make me?

May: old

[Ravi, Chimney, Albert, and Buck emphasized this message]

groupchat: GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT

Buck: wait

i just realized

ravi if you get married to albert that means we will be half brother in laws^2

Ravi: oh ew im gonna be a buckley by proxy 🤢

thanks for ruining my day

Buck: HEY
you should be honored to be a buckley by proxy 😠

Ravi: wait this means that im gonna be related to eddie good day restored

eddie we’re gonna be half brother in laws^3

[Eddie loved this message]

Buck: HEY

my husband 😠

get ur own 😤

Ravi: hey im trying

not everyone can go from dating to engaged to married in a week

Buck: actually it was less than a week 🥰

Eddie: Stop being territorial Buck

Ravi: yeah buck

stop being territorial

Buck: no ur worth being territorial over 💗

Eddie: Aww that’s kind of sweet

Ravi: nevermind bad day restored you two are fucking sickening

Buck: huh you know what i just remembered i have smth to do

groupchat: the 118 friends and family: adults edition

Buck: i cant believe i saw my future half brother in law^2’s dick today

ravi should have to pay for my next therapy appointment

Ravi: NO YOU DID NOT

Bobby: Oh! –Bobby Nash

Ravi: fuck me sideways with a clothespin

Athena: Alright THATS IT

PANIKKAR THAT WAS YOUR FINAL STRAW.

Ravi: WHAT

WHAT DID I DO?!?!?!?!?!?!

Hen: LMAOOOOOO

Bobby: Athena, no! –Bobby Nash

Athena: Athena yes

You asked me to wait until you had a full roster

And well look at that, you do!

Bobby: I guess you have a point. –Bobby Nash

Ravi: fuck me and my stupid ass life

Buck: this is the best day of my life omg

Eddie: The best day?

Buck: second best

meeting chris is slightly higher

Eddie: 🙄

Buck: 😍

Eddie: …♥️

Ravi: STOP BEING SAPPY WHEN IM FEARING FOR MY LIFE

Athena: Panikkar, I will find you in one hour. Be ready.

Ravi: IM DEAD

IM SO FUCKING DEAD

WHY IS NOBODY MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE FACT THAT A LITERAL COP IS THREATENING ME

Hen: Just tells me that whatever you did, you deserved it 🤷

Ravi:

Chimney: I believe in you Ravi! You survived a chainsaw, you can survive Athena Grant!

groupchat: We’re making a new bet (Chimney, Hen, Karen, Buck, Eddie, and May)

Chimney: $20 says Athena breaks his kneecaps

Hen: I’m not putting money down on something I know is going to happen 🙄

Chimney: We need something to bet on though!!!

May: what if we bet on the reason my moms mad??? i dont think anyone but bobby knows

Chimney: MAY YOURE A GENIUS!!!!

May: thanks i know 😇

Chimney: Alright everyone bets $20 and whoevers closest (as decided by committee vote) wins the pot

[Hen, Maddie, May, Buck, Eddie, and Karen gave this message a thumbs up]

$20 says its because she found out Ravi evaded a traffic ticket 8 years ago

Karen: I’m putting my money down on her finding Ravi’s secret social media account where he rants about all of us

Buck: HE HAS ONE OF THOSE???

Karen: I don’t actually know

It just seems like something he would do

Buck: hed better not have one

i dont want to know the kinds of things hes said about me

Eddie: He’s probably said worse to your face

Buck: its the principal of it!!!

anyways im guessing its smth frolf related

like he accidentally threw a frisbee that broke the window of her squad car and allowed a criminal to escape and athena just found out it was him who did it

May: oooo good one

Eddie: Athena tends to be a bit overprotective of you, May, so I’m going to say she’s mad about Ravi being friends with you because she thinks he’s a bad influence

(Little does she know it’s the other way around)

May: as it should be 😊

Chimney: Why so boring Eddie!!! Use your imagination!!!! Live a little!!!!!

Buck: eddie used up all of his imagination figuring out a punishment for chris

Eddie: It’s harder than it looks, okay!!

May: ANYWAYS

im going to say that its because she learned about the incidents™ he was involved in

Buck: what incidents and why dont i know about them??!?!?

Chimney: You just had to be there Buckley

[Buck gave this message a thumbs down]

Hen: Alright, all the bets are locked and loaded. As the designated bet official, all of you should Venmo me the money ASAP

May the best (aka my beautiful wife and/or myself) win!

[Karen loved this message]

[Buck and Chimney gave this message a thumbs down]

Notes:

hey guys, hope you enjoyed this chapter!! so it has been a minute lol in my defense, school has been schooling more than usual

(also, just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to everyone who leaves such amazing comments!! even if I don't always respond, know that I see and appreciate each and every single one of them <333)

Chapter 22: squatters anonymous

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

private messaging: Ravi and Albert

Ravi: so hypothetically if athena was after me would you point her in the wrong direction yes or no

Albert: What?

Ravi: i regret teaching you how to turn notifications off on groupchats

Albert: Is this like the would you love me if I was a worm question???

Ravi: yknow what sure

Albert: Then yes of course?

Ravi: great!!

when athena knocks down our door please tell her that im on the other side of the country okay great thanks bye love youuuuu!!!!!!!

Albert: …

I dont even want to know anymore

groupchat: how tf do we all know each other again

[Ravi changed the name of the chat to squatters anonymous]

May: ravi

why

Ravi: OKAY SO HEAR ME OUT

Albert:

Ravi: so eddie gave me keys to his and bucks house when they left so i could water chris and bucks plants right

May: i do not like the direction this conversation is going

Ravi: and well theres an attic that eddie showed me one time that you wouldnt know about unless you were told about it

and athena isnt going to look for me at bucks house because she knows he would give me up in a heartbeat

Albert: Why am I in love with you again

Ravi: ur guess is as good as mine

anyways im about to sneak in thru their back window wish me luck 👍

May: you deserve everything thats about to happen to you

[Albert emphasized this message]

Ravi:

private messaging: Ravi and Chris

Chris: how much to pretend i didnt see that

Ravi: $25

Chris: thats enough to not tell my dad

buck on the other hand…

Ravi: FINE

$50 plus a free ride wherever you want at any time take it or leave it

Chris: DEAL

pleasure doing business with you once again

Ravi: every single interaction i have with you ends up costing me money

Chris: im just cool like that 😎

groupchat: the 118 friends and family: adults edition

Athena: 25 minutes before I get off shift @Ravi.

Be ready.

Chimney:

How im watching ts go down

Hen:

Buck:

me and eddie ^^^

May:

Karen:

private messaging: Athena and Albert

Athena: Albert, would you be so kind as to point me in the direction of your roommate so I don’t have to go on a wild goose chase after I’m done with my shift?

Albert: Honestly I thought you already knew where he was 🤷

Athena: Oh I could know, but that takes all the thrill out of the chase.

Now, give me a direction.

Albert: Not at our apartment, that’s for sure.

He hasn’t told me where he is otherwise.

Athena: Alright, thank you for your help Albert.

Albert: No problem Sergeant Grant!

[Athena loved this message]

private messaging: Ravi and Albert

Albert: I just lied to Athena Grant-Nash for you, Ravi

I am sweating bullets right now

Ravi: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WILL MAKE THIS UP TO YOU x10000

Albert: You’d better 🤨

…

groupchat: squatters anonymous

Ravi: so i may have an issue

May: LMAO

Ravi: THIS IS A SERIOUS SITUATION MAY

SHE IS BLOCKING THE EXITS AND SHES MAD

Albert: I have no sympathy

May: shouldnt have made my mom mad 🤷

Ravi: you are all absolutely no help

May: thanks we try 😁

Ravi: okay i found a really old packet of jerky im gonna try to lure her away from the hatch wish me luck 🤞

Albert: no

May: ur on ur own

private messaging: Buck and Eddie

Buck: hey is it just me or do you hear smth clunking around in the attic?

Eddie: Oh thank God I thought I was going crazy

Buck: what do you think it is???

Eddie: With our luck, probably squirrels

Buck: or a squatter

Eddie: buck we do not have a squatter in our attic

Buck: hey you never know!!

Eddie: You know what, I am way too jet lagged to worry about the attic right now.

Can you just go lock it really quick and we can deal with it tomorrow at some point?

Oh and grab Chris’s phone, he is still very much grounded and I forgot about that earlier

Buck: ofc baby 💗

Eddie: Be quick though

Buck: baby

sweetheart

love of my life

this is the first time we are able to spend at home in our own bed together as husbands

I AM GOING AS FAST AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE

[Eddie loved this message]

private messaging: Ravi and Chris

Ravi: CHRIS

CHRIS I NEED YOU TO GO UNLOCK YOUR ATTIC

CHRIS ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PHONE RIGHT NOW

Delivered

groupchat: squatters anonymous

Ravi: GUYS

HELP

May: what now

Ravi: THE ATTIC IS LOCKED

Albert: LMAOOOOO

Ravi: THE RACCOON IS ADVANCING ON ME

May: literally just call buck and/or eddie and tell them to let you out

Ravi: i do NOT want to find out what theyre going to do to me if they finds out im in their attic

Albert: Chris?

Ravi: hes not responding

i think eddie mustve actually taken his phone away

FUCK THE RACCOON IS MAYBE 5 FEET AWAY

May: ravi i think its time to either call eddie/buck or face the most embarrassing 911 call of your life

Ravi: FINE

private messaging: Eddie and Ravi

[Eddie has 10 missed calls from Ravi]

Ravi: EDDIE MAN PLEASE PICK UP YOUR DAMN PHONE

Eddie: hey ravi this is buck if you dont stop blowing up my husbands phone right now i will snap you over my knee 😇

Ravi: NO DUDE THIS IS ACTUALLY SUPER IMPORTANT

LIKE LIFE OR DEATH

Eddie: i literally dont care about ur fight with athena right now

i have more important things to be doing

ie my husband

so go bother somebody else 😁

[Eddie has silenced notifications]

Ravi: fuck

groupchat: squatters anonymous

Ravi: GUYS I NEED A PLAN B

LIKE ASAP

Albert: Is Buck refusing to let you out????

Ravi: I DID BUT THEYRE TOO BUSY DOING THE NASTY TO GIVE A SHIT

May: LMAOOOOOOO

THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Ravi: IS MY PAIN JUST ENTERTAINMENT TO YOU

Albert: Yes

May: yes

Ravi: i hate you guys

Albert: No you don’t

Ravi: no i dont

just may

May: HEY

Ravi: alright well time to make the worlds most awkward 911 call wish me luck 🤪

…

private messaging: Athena and Eddie

Athena: Want to tell me why I just got dispatched to your house for a wellness check? Is everyone okay?

Hello?!

Eddie!

I am not going to feel bad when I bust down your door young man!

Delivered

private messaging: Buck and Bobby

Bobby: Hey kid, Athena just called me to let me know that she got dispatched to yours and Eddie’s house. Just wanted to make sure that you, Eddie, and Chris are all safe. –Bobby

Seriously Buck, I’m starting to get worried. –Bobby

Kid?

Delivered

Notes:

yes this was inspired by the latest episode, why do you ask?

(sorry there's been so much time in between updates, life has been life-ing! I'll definitely get the next chapter out much sooner!)

Chapter 23: GET IT OFF!!!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

[Athena’s Bodycam Video]

[Video starts:

Athena walks up to 4995 S Bedford Street quickly. When she gets to the door, she pounds on the door. Loudly.

Athena: LAPD, open up!

Nobody answers, and Athena continues to pound on the door for about another minute. Cursing under her breath, she pulls her phone out, checking the messages she sent to both Buck and Eddie that remain unanswered.

Athena: Buck, Eddie, Christopher! Someone answer the damn door!

Another minute goes by, and still, nobody comes to the door.

Athena: Dispatch, I am going in.

Dispatch: 727-L-30, that is going against protocol. We urge you to stay outside.

Athena: Screw protocol, that is my stepson and his family!

Athena backs up, getting out her gun and muting her radio while preparing to knock down the door.

Athena: Move away from the door, I’m coming in!

Athena kicks the door once, twice, before it gives. A crash is heard from somewhere inside the house.

Athena: LAPD! Is everyone alright in here?!

A muffled groan is heard from down the hall, followed a loud, yet muffled conversation. More crashing is heard, before the door to the hallway bangs open, causing Athena to startle and point her gun.

Buck, clothed only in a bedsheet and looking very obviously like he was just making out with his husband, hands in the air: Woah, Athena! It’s just me!

Athena, dropping the gun: Buck, is everyone alright?

Buck, slowly dropping his hands: Uh, yeah, why wouldn’t we be?

Eddie, popping his head through the door, neck full of hickeys: Athena? What are you doing here? How did you get in?!

Athena: I had to break the door down because none of you were answering your damn phones!

Eddie: WHAT?!

Eddie tries to run out of the bedroom door, but is shoved inside at the last minute by Buck.

Buck, still fighting to keep Eddie in the bedroom: Eddie, please, go put some clothes on before you freak out about the door!

Eddie, still fighting Buck: Athena has seen worse, get out of my way!

Athena, annoyed fondness seeping into her tone: Athena could charge you with indecent exposure. Go put some pants on, Diaz.

Eddie: Fine.

Grumbling, Eddie retreats back into the bedroom. Buck lets out a sigh of relief before turning back to Athena, opening his mouth. Before he can say anything, though, Athena interrupts him.

Athena: You too, mister. We are not having this conversation when you are in nothing but a bedsheet.

Buck sheepishly nods and follows Eddie into the bedroom. They both emerge moments later, Buck with pants that look a bit more like capris, and Eddie in pants that drag around his feet. Athena wisely decides not to comment on it.

A meow sounds from down the hallway, Tabitha sitting at the end of it, regalling observing the chaos.

Buck, cooing: Oh, hi baby! Did all the noise scare you?

Tabitha continues to stare at him blankly. Buck goes to pick her up, cradling her like a baby.

Buck: Here honey, lets put you in my room so you can’t get out. At least you won’t have to worry about your daughter since she’s with Chris right now. Go enjoy your nap honey baby.

Buck gently sets her in their bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Eddie, ignoring this exchange and walking past Athena to sadly stare at his door: Why is everyone obsessed with knocking down my door?

Buck: Hey, at least I didn’t actually knock it down!

Eddie: No, you just got an ankle brace out of the deal.

Athena, cutting in: Boys, as entertaining as this fight would be, I have more important matters to discuss. Namely, why the hell were none of the people in this house answering their damn phones!

Buck: Well, Eddie took away Chris’s phone, and he’s sleeping right now.

Athena, eyebrow raising: I’m surprised he’s slept through all this.

Eddie: Chris could sleep through the apocalypse if given the chance.

Athena: Alright, that explains your son. That doesn’t explain why neither of you answered.

Eddie turns his head towards Buck, narrowing his eyes.

Buck, noticing Eddie: Okay don’t look at me like that!

Eddie: You’re the one who put both of our phones on do not disturb!

Buck: Yeah, because Ravi wouldn’t shut the fuck up!

Athena lets out a long-suffering sigh.

Athena: Why am I not surprised he’s somehow involved in this.

Buck snickers while Eddie rolls his eyes.

Eddie: Athena, why are you even here in the first place?

Athena: Dispatch got a distress call from this address. The caller just gave the address a few times in a row before hanging up, and since I was in the area, I was sent to do a wellness check.

Buck and Eddie look at each other with concerned expressions.

Eddie: Huh, that’s really weird. Any other time I’d say Chris, but he doesn’t have his phone on him.

Athena: Strange. I’ll go do a walk around your house, make sure nobody’s outside, but I doubt I’ll find anything.

Buck, brows furrowing: You should go check the neighbors’ houses, too. Maybe somebody got the wrong address.

Athena holsters her gun and starts to turn to leave.

Athena: Alright, will do. And Eddie, I’m sorry about the door. I’ll give Micheal a call, see if he knows anyone that could get that fixed for you.

Eddie: Thanks, Athena.

Athena: Alright boys, have a great–

She is cut off by a loud thumping coming from above them, accompanied by muffled screams.

Athena, startled: What the hell was that?!

The noises continue, only getting more frantic.

Buck: Eddie and I heard some scratching up there earlier, but we thought it was squirrels!

Athena: Either the fattest squirrel in the world is in your attic, or something else is. Mind if I go take a look?

Eddie: Yeah, Athena, of course. We locked it earlier so nothing could get out, let me go get the key.

Eddie goes back to their bedroom, returning just a few minutes later and hands Athena the keys, pointing her in the right direction.

Buck, faintly to Eddie: Is it bad that I’m kinda hoping we just have a really fat squirrel up there?

Athena ignores him in favor of unlocking the attic’s hatch. Before she can do anything, though, the hatch swings open. Athena dodges quickly to the side to avoid the ladder that swings down, and lucky she does, because Ravi leaps down it at the speed of light.

Ravi is screaming while the fattest raccoon you’ve ever seen in your life clings onto his back.

Eddie and Buck in unison: RAVI?!?!?

Ravi, still screaming: GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!!

Ravi crashes into the hallway walls, stumbling around the house. Athena is, for once in her life, at a loss for what to do except stare at the scene unfolding before her very eyes.

Chris’s door swings open, all the commotion having finally woken him up.

Chris, groggily: Wh’s going on?

Constance scampers out from behind his feet and starts doing laps around the living room.

Buck, diving for Constance: Constance, no!

Still screaming, hands tearing at his head, Ravi stumbles towards the still-open door.

Bobby, running up the front entrance, a medical bag in-hand: Athena, what’s going–

At that very moment, Constance runs in front of Ravi, and Buck leaps for her, landing on the ground in front of Ravi. Ravi trips over his body and goes flying, his fall broken by poor Bobby.

Athena, jerking forward: Bobby!!

Bobby and Ravi land on the floor in a heap, the raccoon hopping off of them. She surveys the scene for a moment, then, seemingly satisfied with her work, saunters off into the night.

Ravi and Bobby groan.

Christopher starts cackling.

Eddie: Are you alright?!

Ravi, levering himself up on very torn-up arms: Yeah, I’m fine.

Eddie, walking over to help Buck to his feet: Not talking to you.

Buck, having scooped up Constance in the chaos, deposits her into Christopher’s arms, who is still in hysterics.

Buck: Take her back into your room for a second.

Chris gives him a thumbs up, too busy laughing to answer.

Athena helps Bobby to his feet.

Bobby: Thanks, Athena.

Athena: Of course. Are you okay?!

Bobby, groaning while popping his back: Pretty sure the only thing hurt is my pride.

Athena: Still, let me look you over just in case.

Ravi, from the floor: Sure, look over the guy who isn’t actively bleeding out!!

Athena: Oh I’ll get to you later, don’t you worry.

Ravi looks like he regrets putting the attention back on himself.

Eddie looks like he would rather be anywhere else in the world.

Buck just looks murderous.

Athena, unmuting her radio: Dispatch, send an RA unit over. Tell them this call will make their night.

Video ends]

Notes:

Bit of a different chapter than usual, huh? Couldn't really figure out how else to do it, so let me know what y'all think!

The long-awaited confrontation will happen in the next chapter, so stay tuned for that 😉

(EDIT: uh guys I think the ao3 authors curse is real because what do u mean my house got EGGED right after I posted this chapter last night?!)

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed! Can't promise how frequently this will be updated, but I'll do my best!

Please don't forget to leave kudos, and comment if you feel like it! I'd really appreciate it <3

Thanks for reading!!

(Also, come say hi on Tumblr!! :3)

Series this work belongs to:

Part 1 of can a man not have a best friend around here?!

Actions

Kudos

tullejuul, inounolino, Tubas_Rock1967, Scarbursts, gingerbanshee, azeldua, Another_sky_wal_ker, TheHummingbirdsMatter, FlamingSword_ofAzi, bananiel, Chaotic_buddie, Crumbly_Rain, olivefarmfarm, Head_Case_In_July_27, buddie_chenford, Lady_Phoenix04, Groovylou, gumochen648656, LwritesH, Brigids_flame, zaynsbby10, Viktuuri64, Lesleylynch, Dianxia_supremacy, Dissociating, snow_mf, book_worm_child2498, Broni_Victoria92, Phyllis_44, Stargazerlily052, ykuluv_bray03, Taejunloves, alyssam_k, tovahlisa, TheDowntonLady, miyokoz, annika_is_scared, OracleOddity, TakeMeAwayToThePlaceIBelong, otaku3kagome, artemisdontknow, starrysimmons, DragonsImagined1331, jenne_pharm, ky_the_spy, Amee98, AlleyCat07, SometimesIWishNarniaWasMyCloset, Missy_Fawn, AshSRRose96, and 1740 more users as well as 474 guests left kudos on this work!

Comments

Pages Navigation

Karid_66 on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Jul 2025 03:06AM UTC

im cackling this was so funny!!!

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Jul 2025 03:09AM UTC
  
  Thank you so much!! ❤️❤️❤️
  
  Comment Actions
aliasismagic on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Jul 2025 06:50AM UTC

Ooohh this is so fun please keep going!! ♥️♥️♥️

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Jul 2025 01:04PM UTC
  
  Thank you so much! And don’t worry, I’ve already got the next chapter about a third of the way done, and have a loose idea of the plot moving forward, so I’m not stopping any time soon!
  
  Comment Actions
officialcourtsorcerer on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Jul 2025 10:23PM UTC

oh im so down for this I LOVE 911 CHATFICS
ravi believing buddie r divorced is my fave hc also i LIVE for buck and ravi friendship
i need chris to torment his father a little
also maddie sending eddie pics of buck is so canon to me

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Jul 2025 10:32PM UTC
  
  ACK glad you're enjoying it!!!!!
  SAME bro, I am a firm believer that nothing Ravi knows about the 118 is correct. He has heard all the gossip 4th hand from B-shift, makes assumptions about everything else, and just assumes that he is correct.
  Me too, I cannot wait until I can make them have a decent relationship again. Ah the joys of having to resolve conflicts in stories 😔
  Thank you for leaving this comment, hope you enjoy what's to come!
  
  Comment Actions
beeforreal on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Jul 2025 01:15AM UTC

i love buddie chat fics!!! i enjoyed this one too 🥰 I'm already excited for the upcoming chapters ❤️

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Jul 2025 02:00AM UTC
  
  I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!! And, just between you and me, you shouldn't have to wait too long 👀👀👀
  
  Comment Actions
MoonliteTree on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Jul 2025 09:56PM UTC

❤️❤️❤️❤️
Absolutely brilliant!

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Jul 2025 10:01PM UTC
  
  Thank you so much!❤️❤️❤️
  
  Comment Actions
TheirHighestMajesty on Chapter 1 Mon 28 Jul 2025 09:46AM UTC

Ravi and Chris' interactions made me so happy

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 1 Fri 08 Aug 2025 06:08PM UTC
  
  ❤️❤️❤️
  
  Comment Actions
Yellow_Marie72 on Chapter 1 Fri 08 Aug 2025 06:15AM UTC

Omgggg!!!! This was hilarious, so many unexpected character combos too❤️👏

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 1 Fri 08 Aug 2025 06:09PM UTC
  
  Thank you so much!! I love love love getting to explore character combos that aren't super popular, its so fun to me
  
  Comment Actions
SpaceRave on Chapter 1 Sun 10 Aug 2025 11:29AM UTC

Ngl Eddie is such a real one

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
RoseGirl06 on Chapter 1 Wed 03 Sep 2025 08:47PM UTC

You can't make me laugh like this while I'm sitting in class how dare you I was not prepared for this

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
DefenestrateTheCat on Chapter 1 Thu 04 Sep 2025 05:37PM UTC

RAVI & THE REACTION IMAGES?? you've nailed him

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
Calthenerd on Chapter 1 Sun 21 Sep 2025 10:46PM UTC

Reading this on the day that I finally watched the godfather for the first time is wild

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
ish99999 on Chapter 1 Sun 12 Oct 2025 11:12PM UTC

this is the funniest thing I've ever read

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
Queen_of_the_northern_light on Chapter 1 Sun 09 Nov 2025 08:14AM UTC

Ravi, you are crazy!

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
JadeShadows on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 05:35PM UTC

OMG that last bit was diabolicallllll Eddie is gonna be losing his MIND especially in the wine night chat!

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. officialcourtsorcerer on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 08:27PM UTC
  
  REAL
  
  Comment Actions
2. bird1ee on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 09:57PM UTC
  
  Oh 100% I'm so excited to write it lmao
  
  Comment Actions
Kendra_911 on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 07:33PM UTC

POOR RAVIIIIII MY BOYYYYYYYYYY

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 09:20PM UTC
  
  I really put Ravi through it this chapter didn't I LMAO
  
  Last Edited Sun 20 Jul 2025 10:03PM UTC
  
  Comment Actions
officialcourtsorcerer on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 08:27PM UTC

wine nights are so canon to me i love that trope sm
LMFAOOOO NOT THE FUCKING GOOGLE SEARCH
RAVIIIII i love his and bucks friendship so much hes so little brother arghhh
ew tommy jumpscare dont do it buck pls pls pls
if eddie finds out abt the kiss i bet hell crash out lmfaoo
OHHH EVEN BETTER NOT TEMU SENDING IT HIM LMFAOOOO
AHHH this was so fun

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 09:59PM UTC
  
  Oh definitely. It's pretty high up there in my "fanon things I would like to be canon" list
  Ravi and Buck need more moments together in canon I crave them
  Sorry should've put a trigger warning in the notes for T*mmy 😔 (/j)
  Thank you so much for the comment, I'm glad you're enjoying it!!!
  
  Comment Actions
MoonliteTree on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 09:59PM UTC

❤️❤️❤️❤️
OH NO. 🤣

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 09:59PM UTC
  
  ❤️❤️❤️
  
  Comment Actions
Fan288884 on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 10:00PM UTC

OMG by the end of it I was losing it and was panicking aling with Buck!!!! Great writing and super hilarious!!!

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 2 Sun 20 Jul 2025 10:02PM UTC
  
  ACK thank you so much!!!! I'm glad you're enjoying it!!!
  
  Comment Actions
LLeopp on Chapter 2 Mon 21 Jul 2025 01:31AM UTC

Buck thinking Eddie went on a date while Eddie thinking buck kissed Ravi 😭😭

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
Annaaasss on Chapter 2 Mon 21 Jul 2025 01:32PM UTC

this fanfic is 👌🏻 i love it so much im so excitedddd for the next chapter <3
I CANT WAITT IM GOING INSANEEE OMG

Comment Actions
- Reply
- Thread
1. bird1ee on Chapter 2 Mon 21 Jul 2025 02:33PM UTC
  
  thank you so much!!!!!
  (and you shouldn't have to wait too long 😉)
  
  Comment Actions
2. 1. Annaaasss on Chapter 2 Mon 21 Jul 2025 02:50PM UTC
    
    YESS OMG IM EXCITEDDDD
    
    Comment Actions