Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dazai watched as the graphite from the mechanical pencil broke off into lines

His hand was starting to hurt but that didn't really matter.

His gaze fell upon the clock just left of him on his desk. It read 11:34, he had promised himself he would stop at 10. Oh well. He needs the extra time anyways.

His back arched slightly away from the chair slumping over the textbook.

He would shiver at the chill breeze which rushed past his ankles if he hasn't been used to it.

His house was cold, it was always cold.

He put down his pencil out of habit, knowing he would be writing in the book more.

Advanced neurology, his favorite subject.

It was quiet in their house, not that Dazai had expected anything different.

Elise used to be loud, perhaps she's finally matured.

Ryunosuke and Gin went to live with his scumbag of a brother. They were too weak to be prodigies alongside Dazai anyways.

His longer bangs stick to his forehead, odd, he didn't even notice he was sweating.

His sleeve stayed put, his eyes blurring out the words.

Every blink was a burst of temptation that Dazai wouldn't let himself fall for.

He couldn't.

His hands shook slightly, but only slightly. Dazai assumed it must be the coffee. It probably was.

His room was bland to say the least. Most kids his age would have walls smothered with band or movie posters, paintings, records, photos with friends. Dazai refused to engage in such utter nonsense.

Honestly, wasting time with those futile acts for a few seconds of happiness when you could be getting a fulfilling job, I mean, most of those people are probably gonna end up in an office job anyways.

There's a grey mattress up against the corner of his room, one pillow, one thin blanket, no sheets. There was a desk across from that, which he was sitting at.

No mirror, no nightstand, those weren't needed.

His closet held his clothes, his gakuran, a white tee-shirt, a black sweater, and two pairs of black sweatpants.

He didn't need more.

Honestly, that much alone felt quite greedy.

He once read something about how pencils work, how paper isn't actually smooth but instead was small groves to break off the graphite

He thought of that fact often.

More often that he wanted to

He hated how his mind would wander to such trivial things.

He picked up his pencil

Page 570

“dysmyelination.[62]
The precise cause of these abnormalities remains uncertain. Recent suggestions include a metabolic error in the N-acetylaspartate signal as a result of an aspartoacylase defect. [61] There are increased levels of N-acetylaspartic acid in the urine and plasma and aspartoacylase deficiencies in cultured skin fibroblasts.[64]
In addition, astrocytes have abnormal mitochondria with reduced levels of adenosine triphosphate. The brain in Canavan's syndrome has an increased water content and decreased lipids. Chemical changes are limited to the white matter, notably myelin, and are nonspecific”

underline, add side notes, re-read, read the next paragraph.

It was that pattern Dazai followed religiously

“In contrast to other leukodystrophies, Krabbe's syndrome appears to be purely neurological. In these patients, there is a deficiency of the enzyme galactocerebroside-beta-galactosidase, and the gene is believed to be located on chromosome-”

Dazai blinked.

Was he even reading properly?

His brain filtered out the words entirely.

Read again.

Underline.

Add notes.

Reread.

Next paragraph.

He caught the reflection of himself in the glass on his desk

He didn't look like himself

Or well.. He did… But he never thought he looked like himself.

He looks inhuman

Greasy brown hair, sunken in eyes, acne on his forehead and cheeks, blackheads on his nose and chin, thin cheeks.

He looks alien

…

That was emo

It's whatever.

“The white matter is decreased in mass and is gliotic, firm, and rubbery to palpation. Neurons in the pons, thalamus, and dentate nuclei show varying degrees of degeneration, but the neuronal processes of the cerebral cortex are reasonably well preserved. Globoid cells, found deep in the white matter around and within vessels, are distinctive and are of two types, called epithelioid cells and globoid bodies. Epithelioid cells are round, mononuclear, and of medium size"

Read.

Underline.

Add notes.

Reread.

Next paragraph.

His head hurt.

Really bad

His eyes felt heavy

His arms felt light

Honestly, the human body is so complicated.

Hes stayed up this late before

It's not even that late

It's only…

12:10

…

He needs more time to study

He got a 99% on his last test

This is punishment

He deserves this

He needs to study

He needs this.

Chapter Text

Dazai's head felt heavy. His forehead has red the indents of his pen

He fell asleep on his desk again, not that it's surprising

His bones cracked as he got up

He made a little noise from the back of his throat as he stretched

Ew…

He looked at his clock,

4:00

He woke up this early every morning, even on weekends. It was good for him to get up this early. He's not one of those lazy fucks that sleeps in till 10. He'll never be.

He stood up, pushing his cold wooden chair back. The woods let out a horrid screech as they rubbed against each other

Like a machine, he pulled his shirt off, threw it on the floor, he'll pick that up later, put on deodorant that he picked up off his desk

He keeps everything on his desk

Opened his closet and pulled out the parts of his gakuran

White shirt, jacket, pants, socks, shoes.

Like every other day.

Exactly like every other day.

4:08

One hour till he needs to walk to the bus stop

His feet pushed him to the bathroom, his shoes making small taps against the flooring. He stared at the mirror

Inhuman.

His face seemed to contort in the glass

Was he always this asymmetrical?

Was he always this ugly?

His hair is greasy, he should have showered last night.

He should shower now.

…

No.

Dazai grabbed his toothbrush from the holder thing they have had since he was born. He grabbed the mint toothpaste next to Elise's unicorn flavor, whatever that means.

Honestly, Elise should grow up. She's far too babied for her age.

I mean, when Dazai was 9, he was already doing everything by himself.

…

That's besides the point.

He had been getting more acne recently

The internet told him popping them was the main reason for scars. He didn't listen. It's not like he didn't already have scars.

Caring about physical appearance was for lowlife hoodlums with no personality and a future in prostitution anyways.

Dazai’s smart. He has everything figured out.

People won't care about his appearance once he's a doctor.

That whole idea of being conventionally attractive is beneath Dazai anyways.

He's better than that.

He looked away from the mirror while brushing his teeth

It was hard to stare at his face for prolonged periods of time

He put his toothbrush away, which made a small clink sound against the porcelain holder

He looked back at the mirror

Bad idea

His bandages need changing

They're getting dirty

He probably smells bad

He doesn't own cologne

Fuck.

He should shower.

His gaze falls upon his gangly limbs, the way his clothes hand off his boney figure like a skeleton

No.

He'll spare himself and just smell bad with greasy hair.

None of that matters when he's smart anyways.

His feet carry him back to his bedroom, a short walk when the bathroom is just across from his room

He looks at his clock again

4:22

Wow

Did he zone out again?

He picks up his phone from the floor and unplugs the charger.

Two messages from Akiko, his cousin.

One message from Ryunosuke, his little brother

He ignores both.

It's for the better, he dislikes both of them anyways

Ryunosuke more than Akiko

It's hard to not dislike them. They won't stop bugging Dazai.

Ryunosuke with his strange idolization and Akiko with her fomo

And don't even get him started on Ranpo… that know it all trifling ass bitch…

He puts his phone on his desk, next to his textbooks. Grabbing his black backpack he shoves his books, his phone and his pencil in the pack before closing it.

4:38

He begins walking down stairs, the stairs only slightly creaking under his weight

His body automatically turns into past the living room and towards the kitchen

Nobody is sitting at the table, thankfully.

Dishes in the sink

He should probably clean

Mori would want it clean

It would make Mori happy

He grabs the sponge and turns on the water, listening to the rush from the faucet. The blue dish soap squirts out onto the sponge.

He looks at the grandfather clock in the dining room

4:40

He has enough time to do it now and not get yelled at. He plunges his hands into the warm water, basically the only warm thing in his house.

Three cups

Three plates

Four pairs of chopsticks

Two bowls

4:47

His hands are slick with soap, his fingers a bit wrinkly and the dish rack is stacked with his work. He wipes down the counter, soaking the water from the backsplash

4:50

He has 30 minutes

…

too much time.

Chapter Text

Somehow, he managed to avoid Mori this morning. Thankfully

As he stepped out into the sunlight from the dark overhear of the bus he watched as people began shuffling into the building

The front gate seemed larger than it was yesterday

Is wasn't

He walked through the hallways to his locker, the code not even registering in his mind, pure muscle memory.

He shoved his backpack in the small locker after grabbing his books out making his backpack flaccid looking.

Ew

He didn't hear footsteps behind him, but he did feel hands grabbing at his waist.

“AHH-”

He doubled over while Yosano and Ranpo stood laughing.

“why do you keep doing that-” he grabbed harder at the books pressed against his (flat) chest

Meet his cousins: Ranpo Edogawa and Yosano Akiko

Akiko has a different last name from Ranpo because of her father and…

It's complicated.

Ranpo had been the one to grab his waist, unsurprisingly. It's an odd ritual they've developed over the years.

It's not even a lingering touch, it's just Ranpo sneaking up behind Dazai, squeezing his waist hard and laughing while Dazai folds like a lawn chair.

Every single time.

He never sees it coming.

And of course that makes Dazai mad and a little jealous cause he was outsmarted but

It's whatever.

“Can you come over tomorrow? It's so boring without you osa,” Ranpo leaned against him
Ranpo is light, unathletic, and probably anemic so Dazai shouldn't feel like toppling over under the weight…

But unfortunately, Dazai shares those qualities with Ranpo.

“I don't think my dad will let me,” he shoved Ranpo off “plus I need to be studying.”

“It's the start of the year, osa.” Akiko chimed in “all the work is gonna be eassyyy, don't be a pussy.” said she with a grin

Dazai involuntarily rolled his eyes to which he received a sharp jab to the ribs

He turned away to start walking to class, hoping his cousins would get the memo and leave him alone.

They didn't.

Instead they both turned the same direction as him and-

What.

The fuck.

The first thing he saw was red. No, orange. No, blonde. No,... Maybe orange?

Then he saw the eyes.

One a deep blue, something even Poseidon would envy, something he wanted to stare at until he withered away and died. The other a deep brown, or maybe black, it was hard to tell from this far away.

Then.

Oh God the face.

Dazai needed that face

Oh how beautiful they were.

They… she? … he?

Is this a boy or a girl?

He felt his face heat up-

Fuck no.

He immediately turned back around to be face to face with his cousins

WHAT THE FUCK.

He took a gulp to clear his throat “Who is that” the voice crack still came

They looked at him, akiko with a shocked expression, Ranpo with a smug one.

He was always smug.

“new student, ask Kunikida for more info since he's an office worker and probably gave him a tour or something, or just wait till you have a class with him “

Yeah

Thats smart

And even if he didn't he would still probably get his name

His face was still hot and- WHAT THE FUCK.

Wait.

“He?” Dazai's throat spoke without his permission

“I mean, probably?” Akiko quipped after her initial shock wore off

Oh.

No.

God please no.

He was not gay.

Dazai Osamu is not gay.

(Spoiler: he is.)