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Chapter Text

Shang Qinghua stared at the screen, not registering the cold, or Mobei-Jun staring at him with what Shang Qinghua almost believed to be concern. (He was probably delusioning himself, it was likely confusion.)

[Return home?]

[Yes] [Maybe Next Time] [No]

"What the hell is this bullshit?" Shang Qinghua muttered. "If I return now then..." My king will be left undefended, and if I remember correctly-

His thoughts were cut off as Mobei-Jun spoke. "Return? You wish to return?" He sounded mad.

"Huh? Oh, n-no my king! I was just-" Shang Qinghua hurriedly stammered out an explanation, but was cut off by Mobei-Jun.

"You wish to leave me here. What was it you swore that day? To follow me for the rest of your life? Clearly. If you want to return so much than go!"

"My king, I was merely thinking out loud! What I must have said, it wasn't the full sentence, I didn't even realize I was talking!" Shang Qinghua protested. He was telling the truth, but Mobei-Jun clearly didn't think so.

"Get lost! Just go, if you want to so badly!" Mobei-Jun snarled.

Shang Qinghua stared at him, but when Mobei-Jun advanced, instincts took over and he fled. But he didn't flee far, waiting by the entrance, away from Mobei-Jun's sight. Then he sat down and waited. He played Minecraft while he did.

Eventually, Linguang-Jun finally arrived.

"You... What are you doing here human?" The demon sneered.

"Protecting my king," Shang Qinghua replied honestly, standing up and glaring against the ice demon.

"How cute, the human thinks he can stop me," Linguang-Jun laughed.

"I don't need to stop you," Shang Qinghua replied before throwing a fire talisman at Linguang-Jun. "Just stall you."

He darted out towards where Mobei-Jun was, dodging an attack from Linguang-Jun. He quickly scattered some spark rocks across the room, and lit them on fire, preventing Linguang-Jun from getting to Mobei-Jun, and preventing Mobei-Jun from interfering and messing up the ritual.

Although if he does it will be from his grudge on Linguang-Jun, not to save me... Shang Qinghua thought bitterly.

He instantly regretted letting his mind wander in that direction as the distraction nearly got him impaled.

"Filthy human using dirty tricks," Linguang-Jun spat. "Put out this fire!"

"No can do!" Shang Qinghua yelled. "I only know how to start fires, not put them out."

He dodged another attack. "Aiyoh, so rude!"

"You shouldn't even be here, yet I'm the rude one?" Linguang-Jun scoffed.

"You're not supposed to be here either!" Shang Qinghua shot back.

"On the contrary, he's not supposed to be here, I am!" Linguang-Jun snarled, gesturing at Mobei-Jun, who was staring wide-eyed at the confrontation, but unable to do anything because of the flames.

"If that were the case, wouldn't the god of this world have written it to be so?" Shang Qinghua said cooley. "Clearly they favored your nephew over you. Understandably so, at least he doesn't betray peoples trust and get them locked up in human prison."

Linguang-Jun and Mobei-Jun both went stiff at that. "You... How do you know about that?" Linguang-Jun choked out.

Shang Qinghua smiled. "I know a lot of things," he said simply. "Many of which I'm told I shouldn't know, although really I fear the opposite is the case. Many things I should know I don't, forgetting them until it's far too late."

"You're strange, even for a human," Linguang-Jun said, eying Shang Qinghua warily.

"I've been told," Shang Qinghua said, before throwing another talisman at Linguang-Jun's feet, which then exploded.

Linguang-Jun jumped back, glaring at Shang Qinghua. "You- I'll make you pay for this!"

Shang Qinghua gulped, and tried to dodge, but Linguang-Jun slammed him to the ground, where he fell flat on his stomach, nose breaking as his face smashed into the ground.

Then there was a foot on his back, and his arm was being stretched backwards impossibly far, far beyond any humans capabilities, his tendons were tearing, Linguang-Jun was trying to tear his arm off, and Shang Qinghua was screaming.

His forearm snapped under the force of Linguang-Jun's grip, and then suddenly the pressure was gone, and the weight was off his back, and Mobei-Jun was attacking Linguang-Jun, and Linguang-Jun was losing, and then suddenly he was fleeing and it was just Shang Qinghua and Mobei-Jun.

"Is Qinghua alright?" Mobei-Jun asked.

Shang Qinghua didn't respond, he didn't think he could. He couldn't breath right, and a quick scan of his injuries with his qi showed that in addition to his broken nose, his ribs were snapped on the left side, one was puncturing his lung, his right arm had three snapped tendons in the shoulder and wasn't sitting right in the socket having been almost dislocated, his right forearm was broken, his left ankle was sprained (when had that happened?) and he was covered in various bruised and scratches.

"Qinghua, answer this king," Mobei-Jun said sharply.

Shang Qinghua just wheezed, lying there helplessly, staring at Mobei-Jun with fear, his vision was doubling, and he suddenly couldn't tell if it was Mobei-Jun or Linguang-Jun who he was staring at, which of them had left again?

Mobei-Jun reached out towards Shang Qinghua, and the cultivators eyes widened, he flinched away, before gasping in pain, his breathing coming out strained and weak.

Mobei-Jun's eyes widened, and he retracted his hand. "Qinghua?"

"Who-?" Shang Qinghua managed. "Hurts-"

"Qinghua, this king is sorry-" Mobei-Jun said, reaching out for Shang Qinghua, but the human flinched, scrambling to his feet despite his injuries and away from Mobei-Jun, shaking his head.

"Qinghua, sit down, you're injured-" Mobei-Jun said, but Shang Qinghua just kept shaking his head.

"This king commands you to sit down," Mobei-Jun tried, but Shang Qinghua kept shaking his head and backing up.

"Not my king," the cultivator wheezed. "He would never apologize to me, not my king."

Mobei-Jun's eyes widened, but Shang Qinghua didn't seem to notice as he backed into the wall and collapsed against it.

"I'm sorry my king, this servant has failed you. We won't ever see each other again." Shang Qinghua was crying.

"This king is here, he won't hurt you anymore, Qinghua, let this king take you to a healer!" Mobei-Jun protested.

[Return home?]

[Yes] [Maybe Next Time] [No]

Shang Qinghua took a deep breath and selected "yes" feeling upset about leaving his king, but it hurt too much, nobody was here for him (why was Linguang-Jun pretending to be Mobei-Jun? He was doing a bad job too, Mobei-Jun would never be so concerned, which only made it hurt more.) and he was dying. There was no way he'd be able to get to a healer, and with his punctured lung, he had no chance of surviving.

He waited with baited breath to return.

...Nothing happened.

System, hello? Why am I not returning?

[System error: User_001 has internally decided this was more his home than the other world. Cannot return. Unable to decide if it would make more sense to send user to Cang Qiong Mountain or Northern Ice Palace.]

Cang Qiong Mountain! Specifically Qian Cao Peak if possible.

[As user wishes!]

Shang Qinghua made a tiny yelp as a portal appeared beneath him, then gently deposited him into a bed on Qian Cao Peak in a room Mu Qingfang was just leaving.

The two peak lords stared at each other in silence for a while.

"Shang-shidi?"

"I... Don't know... Either..." Shang Qinghua wheezed, smiling weakly.

"You're injured!" Mu Qingfang realized.

"Punctured lung... Among... Other... Things..." Shang Qinghua managed, before keeling over sideways and out of his bed.

"You have to be the stupidest person ever Shang-shidi," Shen Qingqiu sighed.

"Sorry," Shang Qinghua apologized in English.

"Ah, right, Shen-shixiong, I should have warned you, Shang-shidi seems to be only able to speak another language. I'm unsure if he can understand us though, and I don't recognize the language..." Mu Qingfang said.

Shang Qinghua sighed. "I fell over and hit my head after the System deposited me here. I got a concussion, and now I can understand Chinese, but can't speak it. My brain's forgotten how, and now I'm stuck speaking English."

Shen Qingqiu stared at him, before sighing again. "Only you Shang-shidi... I swear, you really have the worst luck." 

"I'm hardly worse than you!" Shang Qinghua complained. "At least English is my first language, this situation could be worse."

"True, true," Shen Qingqiu said.

Mu Qingfang raised an eyebrow. "Forgive this shidi for prying, but it seems as though you can understand our shidi."

"I can," Shen Qingqiu replied. "He's speaking a language called 'English.' I don't know where it originates from, but apparently it's Shang-shidi's first language. He's taught me over the years since we became friends."

"Aiyah, bro, you can't just throw me under the bus like that!" Shang Qinghua cried. "I haven't done anything and you betray me so heartlessly!"

"You fought a demon you knew you couldn't win against and ended up like this! How am I betraying you exactly, when you nearly died?! Think of it as comeback for almost dying on me Airplane-bro."

"Cucumber, it's exactly me being in this situation that are why you should pity me," Shang Qinghua huffed.

"Who's pitying you?! It's your own fault you're in this situation, why should I pity you!"

"Bro, it was supposed to be Glacier - fuck, I can't even say your names without them translating to English! - I mean the protagonist in that situation, that's how it was in the original story. But since you were on a honeymoon with him, my king took me instead," Shang Qinghua lamented.

"You still fought Linguang-Jun of all characters! You almost died! Or did 'your king' prevent you from leaving!" Shen Qingqiu huffed.

"What is happening right now..." Mu Qingfang mumbled.

"I'm yelling at Shang-shidi for being an idiot," Shen Qingqiu said. "He can understand us by the way, simply can't speak any language besides English. I'm simply yelling at him in this language as there are some things I would rather Mu-shidi not hear... Namely me swearing at him. I have to save some face..."

"I'm just gonna go..." Mu Qingfang said turning to leave.

"Ah, wait! Cucumber-bro, tell him that my kings uncle, or my king might try to come after me!" Shang Qinghua begged.

"Mu-shidi, Linguang-Jun or Mobei-Jun may try to come for Shang-shidi. If you could please get Liu Qingge-"

"I understand Shen-shixiong. I'll go get him. Do you want to explain the situation?" Mu Qingfang assured him.

"Yes, that would be best," Shen Qingqiu said smiling.

Mu Qingfang nodded and left.

Three weeks later, and Shang Qinghua was speaking Mandarin again, and allowed to be without a body guard. However during one particular day without one, Linguang-Jun attacked.

It was sudden, without warning.

One moment Shang Qinghua was retrieving herbs for Mu Qingfang in the Qian Cao gardens, the next his left leg bones were shattered and he was screaming.

"Shut up," Linguang-Jun growled, hauling Shang Qinghua to his feet and shoving a gag in his mouth. Shang Qinghua let out a muffled whimper, his arms pinned to his side by just one of Linguang-Jun's, tears streaming down his face.

"I could just kill you outright," Linguang-Jun mused. "Or perhaps I could use you as a hostage. Maybe just torture you to death."

Shang Qinghua let out a muffled protest, trying to yell for help as Linguang-Jun dragged him through a portal paying no attention to his limp leg. Linguang-Jun dropped Shang Qinghua, shackling the peak lords wrists behind his back and to the wall with manacles of ice.

"I'll be back soon," Linguang-Jun told him with a cruel grin. "Just need to grab a few... Tools."

Shang Qinghua's eyes widened, and he began shaking. He needed to get out of here. His eyes darted around frantically, looking for something, anything. He began pressing at the wad of cloth in his mouth with his tongue, eventually working it out before Linguang-Jun returned.

"My king," he whispered, not able to muster anything louder due to pain.

However no sooner had he spoken, then a portal appeared and Mobei-Jun hurried through. "Qinghua," he gasped when he saw the human.

"My king," Shang Qinghua mumbled greatfully. "My king..."

"Shhh, this king is here now," Mobei-Jun murmured soothingly, freeing Shang Qinghua's wrists and carrying him through a portal. Shang Qinghua passed out before he could make out where Mobei-Jun took them.

But when he woke up, Mobei-Jun was kneeling by his bedside, holding his hand and sleeping while Mu Qingfang and Shen Qingqiu talked quietly nearby.

"You're awake!" Shen Qingqiu exclaimed somewhat quietly so as to not wake Mobei-Jun. "What happened?"

"Linguang-Jun kidnapped me," Shang Qinghua said. "And I think Mobei-Jun saved me? But it's kind of fuzzy since I was in a lot of pain..."

"That's no surprise, your leg bones were completely shattered," Mu Qingfang explained. "We had to perform an emergency surgery to fix the leg as much as possible and remove loose bone shards from your muscles. It should heal again through regular healing sessions, but it will take months at the very least, and you'll need crutches. Eventually we can move to just one crutch, but your leg will likely act up and be stiff sometimes, so I want you to have a cane at all times for safety."

"We were really worried about you," Shen Qingqiu said nervously. "Mobei-Jun came in here, and you had frostbite on your wrists and arms, your lips were blue, your leg was at an unnatural angle, and you weren't waking up."

"The frostbite was probably from Linguang-Jun grabbing me..." Shang Qinghua said.

"It took a lot of convincing to get Mobei-Jun to let go of you, he was more worried than we were. It's thanks to various different talismans he's even allowed to be holding your hand."

"Why would he be worried...?" Shang Qinghua asked.

"Because he loves you, you idiot," Shen Qingqiu answered.

Shang Qinghua blinked in surprise then chuckled. "Who would have thought that the people destined to kill us would instead fall in love with us, and that we would love them back? The irony is amusing."

"Indeed," Shen Qingqiu agreed, before leaving with Mu Qingfang.

It took five months for Shang Qinghua to be allowed to leave Qian Cao Peak, his leg having healed enough to go elsewhere.

Mu Qingfang had gently yet firmly informed Mobei-Jun that Shang Qinghuaa was not to go to the north until they'd successfully created a cloak that would prevent Shang Qinghua from getting cold while wearing it, but said that with Mobei-Jun being able to regulate his temperature the way he could, it was fine for him to touch Shang Qinghua, "just watch out for frostbite, I'll educate you on the signs."

"Qinghua," a voice said.

"Ah, my king," Shang Qinghua said smiling.

Mobei-Jun frowned slightly at that but said nothing.

"This servant apologizes for being so useless," Shang Qinghua said gripping his crutch tightly and looking at the ground.

"No," Mobei-Jun said firmly.

"What?" Shang Qinghua looked up.

"No. Qinghua has nothing to apologize for. Qinghua is not useless. And... Qinghua is not a servant. Qinghua is more."

Shang Qinghua blinked in surprise, partly because Mobei-Jun rarely spoke so much, and partly because of what he said.

"This king should apologize," Mobei-Jun continued. "As he unknowingly abused Qinghua for years."

"Unknowingly?" Shang Qinghua echoed. "How do you unknowingly abuse someone for years?"

"As it would turn out, demonic courting and human abuse are exactly the same," Mobei-Jun said embarrassed. "This one didn't realize humans and demons court differently and don't beat each other up because it's fun or a way of showing you can protect someone and your affection."

"I mean, unless your Bai Zhan Peak or Luo Binghe, but they're kinda the exceptions," Shang Qinghua agreed. "Wait- were you trying to court me?!"

Mobei-Jun nodded, blushing slightly.

"So when you said 'beat them up three times a day' to Junshang..."

"This king was being serious," Mobei-Jun admitted.

"Geez, everything we told him was absolute bullshit, especially for courting Shen Qingqiu..." Shang Qinghua grumbled.

"So... Qinghua wasn't courting this one?" Mobei-Jun asked.

"No! I wouldn't have dared, I dreamed of it of course, but I wasn't suicidal, and thought you would have killed me for daring to try!" Shang Qinghua cried.

"This one... Would not be opposed to courting Qinghua," Mobei-Jun said.

"In that case you won't get mad if I ask you to take me to An Ding so I don't have to hobble there?" Shang Qinghua asked.

"No," Mobei-Jun confirmed, before scooping Shang Qinghua up in his arms and kissing him as they entered Shang Qinghua's room through a portal. Shang Qinghua naturally kissed back.

Chapter Text

Shang Qinghua stared at the button for a long moment. He could press yes and go home. Mobei-Jun was looking for him, and would probably want to kill him...

Finally he pressed yes.

That was the last thing he would ever do before he died.

His body dissolved into pixels before vanishing.

He returned to his body, but it was dead, rotten.

His consciousness faded for the last time.

Mobei-Jun was desperate to find Shang Qinghua, he needed to apologize to the human, the human who thought he hated him.

The human he loved.

The human he'd been courting, but who didn't see it that way.

The human he'd hurt.

He searched everywhere.

He couldn't find Shang Qinghua.

[User_001's account has been terminated!]

[User_001 cannot return!]

Shen Qingqiu stared at the message.

"No... It can't be... Where is he?!"

[User_001 was sent back to the original world in his original body's current state!]

"He's dead," Shen Qingqiu said.

[User_001 chose to return home. User_001 is now dead permanently.]

"No... No, fuck, no, Airplane!" Shen Qingqiu screamed, collapsing to his knees. "Fuck you System! Fuck you!"

Tears were streaming down his face as Shen Qingqiu hugged himself, mourning the loss of his best friend.

"Fuck... Airplane, no, please... Airplane..."

Chapter Text

Shang Qinghua was frustrated with himself. Every time he went to press yes, he hesitated, clicking the maybe next time button. But he was done, he was going to press it this time.

Shang Qinghua opened the question screen and clicked yes before he could second guess himself.

He woke gasping, having a vague feeling he was forgetting something. Probably just a dream. He stared at his open laptop for a while, and eventually began to write.

He rewrote Proud Immortal Demon Way like a man possessed, not fully aware of what he was writing. He changed the characters, the story. It was a BL. Luo Binghe fell in love with Shen Qingqiu, Shang Qinghua wasn't a sleaze bag, just hopelessly in love with Mobei-Jun, Shen Qingqiu randomly started acting nice when he lost most of his memories, the sect survived, and the harem was demolished.

He wrote until his fingers ached, until the story was complete, then scheduled out the chapters and posted each of them. A new one each day. When people begged for things in the comments, he simply told them the same thing. "Wait and see. It's already written out."

His harem fans of PIDW who only came for the bad papapa didn't like it. However the new version gained attention from people everywhere, and he received comments from people who read it using Google translate and loved the story. It gained a lot of popularity, it paid him out of his apartment and into a comfortable house.

He felt saddened really. If he'd just written it the way he wanted into giving into his fans, maybe Peerless Cucumber might have actually liked his story. But instead it seemed to have chased him away from his writing forever, as he never commented on the new version, despite it's popularity.

At least, that's what he thought until he heard that the man had died, and his account deactivated his sister posting about the death on her own account.

He lit an incense stick every night after that for his favorite anti-fan.

Mobei-Jun searched frantically for his human, and found him eventually.

He was at the bottom of Cang Qiong Mountain, staring blankly up at it as though it were the first time he was seeing it.

"Qinghua!" Mobei-Jun called.

The man stiffened, slowly turning to look at Mobei-Jun, pure terror in his eyes.

"Qinghua what's wrong?" Mobei-Jun asked.

"Why would you care, filthy demon?" Shang Qinghua spat, his words filled with venom, but his eyes with fear.

"Qinghua- this king is... Sorry," Mobei-Jun said.

"Sorry? You're sorry? Demons can't be sorry!"

Mobei-Jun flinched at the harsh words. But he felt confused. Why was Qinghua acting this way?

"Qinghua... Please, come back with me..." Mobei-Jun begged, reaching to touch him.

"Don't touch me!" Shang Qinghua shrieked, stumbling away, before collapsing. "I don't want to die again..." He mumbled. Even with his demon hearing, Mobei-Jun barely heard it.

Liu Qingge arrived just then. "Mobei-Jun," he greeted with a stiff nod.

"War god," Mobei-Jun acknowledged.

Shang Qinghua stared in terror.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Liu Qingge frowned.

"Y-you— I don't understand, Shen Qingqiu killed you! How are you here, this doesn't make any sense!" Shang Qinghua cried out.

Liu Qingge stiffened. "Shen-shixiong would never," he said coldly. "How dare you accuse him of such a thing?!"

"Qinghua also said he didn't want to die again when this one tried to place a hand on his shoulder," Mobei-Jun added. "Something weird is happening."

"Shen-shixiong would know what," Liu Qingge grumbled. "But he's still on his honeymoon with Luo Binghe."

"Honeymoon with Luo Binghe?!" Shang Qinghua shrieked. "Have you all gone mad, the demon emperor killed Shen Qingqiu! And what about his harem?!"

Liu Qingge and Mobei-Jun both stared.

"I'm bringing him to Mu Qingfang," Liu Qingge said finally. "You go find Shen-shixiong and Luo Binghe."

"I'll do that," Mobei-Jun agreed before teleporting away, finding Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe drinking tea.

"Mobei-Jun?" Luo Binghe asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Qinghua is acting weird," Mobei-Jun said.

"He's always acting weird," Luo Binghe pointed out.

"He was under the impression Shen Qingqiu killed the war god and that you had a harem and killed Shen Qingqiu, and also said something about not wanting to die again," Mobei-Jun said flatly.

The teacup Shen Qingqiu was holding slipped out of his hands and shattered. "Take me to him," he said urgently. "Now."

Mobei-Jun did as requested, bringing Luo Binghe as well.

"I don't see anything wrong with him," Mu Qingfang was saying to Liu Qingge. "I don't understand what could possibly be wrong."

"Let me handle this," Shen Qingqiu snapped. "You said Binghe had a harem?"

Shang Qinghua nodded.

"Were Liu Mingyan, Sha Hualing and Ning Yingying all part of it?" Shen Qingqiu asked, causing the others to stare in confusion which turned to disbelief when Shang Qinghua nodded again.

"It had over 3,000 women?" Shen Qingqiu pressed. Another nod.

"He ripped off all my limbs and pulled out my tongue?" Shen Qingqiu continued.

"Shizun!" Luo Binghe cried out as the others expressions turned to horror. "I would nev-"

"He ripped out your eye as well," Shang Qinghua confirmed.

"I know," Shen Qingqiu said. "I'm presuming Mobei-Jun killed you then you found yourself here?"

Shang Qinghua looked at him curiously. "How did you know?"

Mobei-Jun looked crushed.

"One last question," Shen Qingqiu said. «Can you understand me when I say this?»

Shang Qinghua stared in confusion.

"He's not our Qinghua," Shen Qingqiu announced. "He's from another universe."

"How did you know what-?" Luo Binghe choked up. Even Liu Qingge and Mu Qingfang looked sick and horrified.

"Dream realm," Shen Qingqiu lied. "I- I'm afraid we won't be seeing our Shang Qinghua again."