Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Max standing on balcony smoking a cigarette:

“Fuck baby where’d you go?” Micheal drunkenly called from the doorway, max turned his head.

“I needed air” he mumbled as Micheal stumbled over to him. He leaned against Maxs back and wrapped his arms around his waist and muttered into his ear,

“You’re so fucking pretty after sex yanno,” Max rolled his eyes, micheal said that every time without fail but never called him pretty during sex.

“You’re my pretty girl, arent you?” Micheal cooed running his hands down maxs waist.

“Im not a girl mike” max snapped, rolling his eyes in frustration,

“Stop calling me a girl” max repeated, Micheal rolled his eyes,

“You’re such a sissy” he hissed,

“I can’t even complement you without you crying like a baby” Micheal pushed away from max with a sour expression plastered on his face, maxs hips hit the edge of the balcony painfully.

“Gods you’re so fucking annoying sometimes you know?” Micheal snapped, his foul smelling breath blowing in maxs face. Max leaned away,

“You smell like booze, asshole” max muttered taking a drag from the cigarette and Micheal grabbed his wrist, with a painfully tight grip.

“Micheal” max warned, his voice shook slightly, Micheal had hurt him before and probably wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.

“This hurts mike”

Micheal scoffed,

“You’ve had worse bitch” he glowered at max,

“Don’t call me an asshole, don’t disrespect me, or else” he raised his hand and max leaned his head away, preparing for the blow, but it never came.

“Don’t speak to me that way again or I will hit you” he snarled into maxs ear. Micheal dropped his hand and stalked off back to their bedroom muttering to himself. Max sighed and took another long drag and exhaled into the starry night sky.

“I’m so sick of his drunk sex and his fucking abuse” max mumbled to himself, glancing into the bedroom at the now passed out Micheal.

“What a bitch…” he sighed and drooped sadly over the railing. “But what the fuck can I do? Every time I’ve tried to break up he hits me and guilt trips me and I just feel horrible” maxs hand ran through his hair wearily. “And I hate myself so much that I don’t hate him… I can’t help being attached to the one person who worships my body and actually wants to see me naked…” max crushed the cigarette out on the railing and walked into the bedroom and glared at the drunk, passed out Micheal and crawled into the bed and pulled the covers up.

Max woke up early the next morning and carefully left the bedroom, trying not to wake up sleeping Micheal, and walked to the kitchen. Max rummaged through the fridge and pulled out two eggs and set them on the counter to reach under the stove for a pan. Max hummed quietly as he walked around the kitchen grabbing a fork and a plate, seasoning and finally a bowl. He set everything down and turned the stove on and pulled out his phone with a yawn. He scrolled through his phone for a couple of minutes as the pan heated up. Max scratched his stomach with a sleepy yawn and set his phone down. He lazily cracked the eggs into the bowl and added the spices and started to stir and mix up the yoke in the bowl as the pan sizzled from bubbling pan spray. Max turned and reached over the counter for a spatula and pulled his arm back, his elbow knocking the bowl off the counter, shattering loudly on the floor, the egg splashing all over the cabinets, his legs and the floor tiles.

“Shit” max kneeled down and started picking up the glass shards and froze when he heard Micheals footsteps from the bedroom.

“What was that?!” Micheal called angrily, max stood up and backed away slightly.

“I just dropped something mike— I-I’m picking it up” max stuttered. Micheal walked towards max,

“You woke me up, whore, and I have a headache and that was a loud fucking sound!” He grabbed maxs wrist with a glare. “Fucking bitch— making a mess! You broke a bowl, you’re paying for that with your own sorry money” Micheal spat angrily, shaking max slightly. Tears were beginning to prick in the corners of maxs eyes. “I-I’m sorry mike! I’ll clean it I promise you won’t even know there was a mess—“ Micheal raised his hand angrily, slapping max across the face. Max cried out in pain, “mike stop please, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to break the bowl— fuck I’m sorry” maxs eyes were red and tears were on the brink of spilling over. Micheal shoved max to the floor, with his head bowed max watched tears as fell from his eyes and combined with the egg on the floor.

“I’m sorry Micheal… it won’t happen again” he mumbled, curling his fingers into fists on the floor. Micheal kneeled down and grabbed maxs hair and pulled it sharply, forcing him to meet Micheal in the eyes,“it better not fucking happen again, you hear me?” He shoved maxs head back down angrily.“Now shut the fuck up and clean this up, now! Gods you don’t deserve happiness do you?!” he grabbed maxs face squeezing his cheeks tightly “because you fuck everything up! You ruin everything you touch- you’re such a screw up!” Micheal dropped maxs face and kicked his stomach causing max to fall sideways and curl his arms around his stomach. Max watched as Micheal angrily stomped off and slammed the bedroom door. He wearily began to grab the shards of glass and scoop it into his hand, max grabbed a shard angrily, his eyes blurry with tears and dropped it with a sharp gasp, dark red beads of blood began to appear on his palm, he’d cut his hand open on accident.

“Fuck” he mumbled quietly as he watched the blood pool in his hands and quietly spill into the egg mess, he curled his fingers around the cut and more maroon droplets mixed with the yellow mess on the floor. Max watched the blood spill for several minutes still holding the jagged glass shard.

“Fuck” he repeated quietly. He suddenly pressed the glass into his arm and didn’t move, didnt go to cut, he just sat there with the glass pressed into his wrist silently staring at the sight. After several long moments he released the breath he didn’t even know he was holding and dropped the shard back onto the floor.

“I stopped doing that” he reminded himself, almost a whisper of the promise max had made to himself ages ago. he walked to the bathroom quietly and wrapped his hand in bandages after rummaging through the cabinets. Then max went back to the kitchen, turned the stove off and finished cleaning up the glass and eggs. By the time he was done it was 11:23am, and pouring rain.

“I’m going out Micheal” max called and grabbed the keys, he didn’t know where he was going but max felt he needed to get out of the house for a little while, maybe walk around town, or go to a cafe or something, anything besides deal with hungover Micheal. Max didn’t wait for him to respond before he grabbed his raincoat and walked out of the door.

Chapter Text

Rain pattered loudly on the roof of maxs car as the wheels splashed through puddles across town. Max sighed, he was so exhausted he could practically feel his eyebags. Maybe the world would be a better place if I wasn’t here… He glanced in the rear view mirror and saw the bruise showing up on his cheek where Micheal had hit him. He sighed, fingers clenching around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. He glanced out the window and a smirk appeared on his face, he pulled the car over and rolled the window down.
“Hey ladies!” He called, they looked up angrily and one of them opened their mouths to respond but their faces softened as they recognized max.
“Hey max!” The girl with the pink hair called, the other one with the wide smile and sparking blue eyes waved.
“Hi Katie, hi Vivian” max grinned,
“yall need a ride? It’s pouring” max offered and unlocked the car, they nodded and climbed in.
“Thanks max! You’re a lifesaver, we were worried we were gonna have to walk home!” Katie said as she closed the door and bucked up. Max nodded,
“Anytime, where were y’all coming from?” He asked glancing back at them. “Oh we were getting breakfast, we ran out of coffee and tea at home so we decided to eat out for breakfast, what about you? Where are you coming from?” She explained happily. Max cleared his throat,
“Oh yanno… just driving around, wanted to get out of the house” he mumbled as he started driving in the direction of their house. They raised their eyebrows, scanning his face carefully.
“Max?” Vivian asked cautiously,
“Max what happened to your face?” Max tensed slightly,
“I fell” he muttered not taking his eyes off the road, the girls looked skeptical, a hint of worry crossing their face.
“Are you sure? Max that doesn’t look like you—“ “Just shut up! I fell ok?! Gods keep your nose out of my fucking business” he snapped angrily, his knuckles white around the steering wheel, the girls flinched slightly at his tone.
“Sorry max…” they glanced at each other,

“We’re just worried about you that’s all” she mumbled with a dejected look on her face. Max felt a little guilty but shrugged it off, it was none of their business. The far ride was silent after that. He dropped them off at their house, a cute little apartment that they lived in together, he’d been in a couple times and it was decorated from head to toe with pictures and posters, memories and such, it was cute… max was a bit jealous— they were so happy and he wasn’t.
“See you guys” he called as they walked away, waving as he rolled up the windows. Alone again. He drove around the dreary streets, tires splashing muddy water on the sidewalks beside him. The radio was off, all that was playing was shitty country, overplayed pop or the nails on chalkboard radio static that itched his brain painfully when he heard it, silence filled the car leaving no distractions from the thoughts in his brain. He saw a little coffee bar on the side of the road and he pulled over intrigued and he had nothing else to do so he climbed out of the car and walked inside. It was a warm cozy little place, it smelled of freshly ground coffee, flour, sugar and the mouthwatering smell of pastries. He walked up to the counter and gazed up at the menu and decided on a croissant and a mocha, treat himself for once. He reached up and run the little silver bell on the counter in front of him. He rocked back on his heels, quietly tapping the counter as he waited for a barista. He stared at his shoes as he waited and finally looked up when he heard footsteps waking over, and holy shit— the barista was hot as hell. Max felt red blush creeping up his face from under the collar of his shirt.
“Hi I’m Edgar sorry for the wait— what can I get for you today?” The barista said with a soft smile on his face, max was sweating. Max scanned the man in front of him quickly, short shaggy brown hair with a single chunk of blond randomly in his bangs… weird— he had a button up shirt underneath and a tie, he was tall and had kind sleepy eyes.
“Sir? What can I uh… what can I get for you?” Goddamit he had a hot voice too, he sounded like a nervous thing.
“I… uh yeah sorry I’ll have the croissant and a medium mocha please” the barista— Edgar nodded.
“I’ll get that right out to you— can I have the name for your order?” Edgar asked as max payed for the food.
“Max” he nodded matter of factly, watching Edgar as he worked and then turned to sit down. After maxs food came and he ate it he couldn’t help but stare at Edgar… that’s cheating on your boyfriend you whore he thought to himself. But he’s so cute… I shouldn’t ask for his number but I want to… I shouldn’t I shou— he looked up from his thoughts as Edgar walked by dropping food off at another table, max grabbed his wrist stopping himself.
“Er… can I have your number? You’re cute” max stuttered like the damned fool he was, Edgar blushed slightly and nodded, messily scribbling his number on a napkin and walking away. Suddenly max felt this horrible guilt, eating away at him like a creature was trapped in his stomach clawing for a way out, he shouldn’t have done that— was it technically cheating? He hasn’t done anything technically he just got his number… they could be friends. But “friends” didn’t make out behind the coffee shop while it was still pouring later that day, friends didn’t act like that right? And Edgar was never to know that max had a boyfriend… never.

*alleyway behind coffee shop* (damn that was fast… idk how to do small talk)
Max was panting slightly, his fingers still twisted in Edgar’s shirt. His lips still grazing the nape of his neck, a pretty blush spread across his face.
“We got to know each other pretty fast huh ed?” Max chuckled and paused as Edgar froze at the nickname.
“Can I.. can I call you Eddie?” Max questioned nervously and Edgar nodded quickly, max laughed. Edgar’s fingers brushed along Maxs cheek softly, dragging his thumb slowly over the bruise on his face.
“What happened?” He murmured his eyebrows knitting together in concern. “I fell.. pretty bad” max chuckled awkwardly. Eddie tilted his head and kissed his face and paused. “This is going too fast… I’d like to get to know you better.. someplace better than this haha— how about Saturday? I don’t have work— at The Brook? Yanno thag diner down the street, how’s that sound?” This is wrong and you know it you fucking whore, cheating on your lousy boyfriend with the depiction of perfection… what a loser can’t even be honest or create a relationship before you fuck the first person you see max paused, he knew cheating was wrong but it wasn’t as bad bc it was his boyfriend and he sucked so whys it matter… he hesitated. “Yeah sure… what time”

Chapter Text

Max showed up at the brook 5 minutes early and got a table and waited, Edgar probably wouldn’t even show… gods this was stupid max shouldn’t have come it was stupid— Edgar walked in. Max stood up,
“Hi” Eddie responded similarly, they sat down and began to talk. About favorite things and jobs and just daily things until it got to ‘them’.
“So what is this… a date? A friendly meet up idk… I mean we’re already “friends”” max asked awkwardly with a small smile, the gap in his front teeth visibly showing in a cute way.
“I mean… we could date” max swallowed thickly and nodded slightly at the suggestion as eddie continued
“or yanno… just be friends with… uh how shall I put this? Friends with benefits for now? If you don’t want a relationship so fast because you know I’m fine with either.” Edgar stumbled over his words and was speaking fast, cute. Max nodded thoughtfully,
“I mean yeah that could work” he smiled. Max felt a pang somewhere deep in his chest, is this what he wanted? Not even another man he’s dating type of cheating but a friends with benefits?! What the fuck is wrong with him…
They talked for a long time, max enjoyed the friendly banter and chatter that the both of them were creating. It felt safe and cozy, max was actually enjoying himself with a… partner of some sorts. As happy as this was and the smile on his face, a real genuine smile… max felt off…
Max and Eddie sat in that booth at the brook for hours just taking and getting to know each other, what was the point? They already knew the taste of each other’s mouths, the feeling of their tongues down each others throats— why learn anything more? Because max didn’t want to be “friends with benefits” max wanted this man with a new and scary longing for the friendly look on Eddie’s face, the warmth in his voice when he talked to max… shit was he falling in love with a man he just met? While he was still in a long relationship with someone else? He was in deep shit and he knew it, and he would do anything to keep this information away from Eddie… nothing was going to ruin the budding relationship between the two of them… nothing.
After brunch max dropped Eddie off at his apartment and quietly drove back to his own praying that Micheal wasn’t home. Max got out of his car and locked it as he walked up to the front door of their apartment and fumbled with the keys for a moment before unlocking it and walking inside. The house was empty… thankfully. Being home alone after having fun always left a strange sense of emptiness in his heart, a pain that weighed him down and sucked his soul out. His mind clouded with a sense of longing for something that he shouldn’t want. Something he had carefully packed away for no one to find, a feeling he wouldn’t wish on any of his enemies. The bile that max has been trying to force down all day rose up in his throat again, a disgusting taste that perfectly matched his disgusting feelings. He tried… he tried to stop but it’s like it calls to him. An addiction that scars his skin and makes his fingers shake. Maxs head hurt… all he wanted was to make it stop, something to smother the pressure in his brain…

He’d just do it once… one little cut won’t hurt will it?

Just one.

But one wasn’t what he wanted… He wanted to do it again, and again and again and again and again and— shut up he wanted to cover his disgusting filthy skin in cuts— he wanted to see himself bleed because he deserved it he needed to do it again so bad it was painful— gods he was so fucking pathetic—he wanted to rip himself open and see the blood drip down his arms and legs and make sure everyone knows how much they made him hate himself and maybe, just maybe they’ll finally notice that he isn’t fine and that he needs help without him having to beg… beg like a filthy dog looking for scraps to keep it alive. his vision was getting blurry— where the hell did this feeling come from?! Fuck— make it stop— max dug his fingers into his head and squeezed his eyes shut— “make it stop” he slowly walked into the bathroom and dug through the cabinets… his chest hurt and he felt nauseous “no… no fuck I’m sorry I can’t…” who the hell was he apologizing to? No one cared anyways… he almost desperately grabbed an old metal tin from one of the cabinets and sat down leaning against the bathtub and opened the container with a pop! Two blades… that’s all that was in the container were two little blades. Max drew in a shaking breath… how disgusting he feels… but it felt good— it felt good to hold the little objects in his hands. It felt normal, grounding as he pressed it into his arm… he sucked in a breath again and swallowed the bile in his throat and dragged the metal object across his skin. It stung… but it stung just as good as it used to— it felt normal and comforting as the warm red liquid trickled down his wrist. Max let out the sigh he was holding and a small laugh escaped his lips, a tear rolled down his cheek as he laughed.

He did it again.

One.

Two.

Three…

Max stop

Four..

Five.. six.. seven… eight—

Max stop it that’s enough

Nine.. ten…

Max please— you’re going to pass out!

Twenty-two..

Max felt dizzy but he couldn’t stop… he looked at the mess and set the blade down. He stood up and gripped the sink before he could fall over. He clumsily dug through the drawers for bandages… and paper towels… his hands were slick with his own mess— shit.
Max you went to far
He knew that… what a fucking disappointment. Almost three months clean for what? A shit show. He’s cheating on his boyfriend and is going back on his promise to himself? What a mistake.
Max finishes bandaging himself and cleans up the bathroom and walked out of the room.
He poured himself a glass of water and sat down on his bed and stared blearily out the window, listening to the thunder that was beginning to roll in and blot out the sun that was filling the blue sky… he thought about Eddie— damn what would he do if he ever found out what max does to himself? Would he hate him? Would he love an accept him or would he be creeped out and never speak to him again because who would ever love a person like max? He sighed… max already missed that man… his arms stung and he missed his “friends with benefits” what a life he’s living…