Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“You GOTTA stop hugging me like that when in public” Yoshiki muttered, bitterly.

“Why?” “Hikaru” looked quizzed at him, still not relinquishing his grip on the other boy's arm. Lately “Hikaru” had gotten into this habit of linking and hugging Yoshiki's arm whenever they were walking around together, and even though he had found the act to be quite endearing he just couldn’t allow him to keep on with this. He could almost hear the whispers already. 

That innocent question of “why” made him even more agitated. Because he had asked himself that as well. If Hikaru had been a girl, then- aghhh enough he needed to form an acceptable answer for “Hikaru”, but how on earth would he try to explain small-town homophobia to this naive creature? Especially when they weren’t even an actual couple… and this isn’t even the actual Hikaru.

“It’s…” Yoshiki tried to put it into as few words as possible. “It’s not normal for guys to act like this towards other guys. People will notice and start to run their mouths.” 

“Hikaru” slowed down, he had released his grip a little, but his arms were still loosely wrapped around Yoshikis. It pained him to feel that squeeze ease up. As much as he didn’t want to admit it.  The creature inhabiting his friend's identity looked off to the side, pouting slightly as he processed this latest teaching on human behavior. So cute .

“Not normal…huh? I don’t understand, is it, like, wrong?”

That hit Yoshiki like a gut punch, and he felt his breath hitch in his throat. “It’s- complicated…” he managed to stutter out between clenched teeth.

A moment of silence followed as they had unwittingly slowed down to a standstill during the conversation. Blue eyes with piercing red pupils met his gaze, before “Hikaru” nuzzled into his shoulder. “Hikaru didn’t think it was wrong…” He mumbled.

What

“Wh-what did you say?” He must have heard wrong, or misinterpreted it. Wishful thinking, nothing else.

“Hikaru didn’t think it was wrong. To want to be close to another guy, I mean.”

Tears threatened to break out, but Yoshiki fought to keep them back. This was too much. Just too much to think about, too much to process. Too much anger, confusion and grief for what could have been and what no longer was. 

“Well no matter, Hikaru never did this, no matter what he thought about it”, His tone was much harsher than he intended but he felt a panicked urgency to cut the conversation off. “And people already say you’re more clingy than before which is not a good thing because you should blend in more so people don’t catch on so please-“

He took a deep breath, “please just-go along with these stupid norms for now”.

“But if he never did these things”, “Hikaru” kept looking at him, as if trying to read his expression, “then why are they so clear in my mind? In his mind? They’re so clear to me I thought they were memories?”

Oh Hikaru. What had he been feeling, what had he imagined, all this time. For how long??? Why did you have to go and die on me before you told me? Before I could tell you…

Yoshiki managed to put on a bitter smile, and ruffled his “friends” white hair.

“You can hug me all you wanna, but just keep it at home, ok? Like the-uh- mixing thing”

“Oh! Yea that’s great!” Despite anxiety filling his chest, pressing against his lungs, thinking about his Hikaru, the one lost forever, he still couldn’t ignore the spread of warmth that consumed him as the “Hikaru” in front of him beamed up. With that stupid, beautiful grin.

_______________________________________

“Hey… Hikaru…?” Yoshiki tried to bite back the question and just keep reading his manga, but it was impossible.

“Ye?” Hikaru perked up from the bed. 

Yoshiki already regretted what he was about to say before it left his mouth. “You said, ‘these things’… what- what did you mean by that? Like-“ fucking hell was he really doing this? “what kind of “things” could you see?”

Asking felt so wrong, it felt as if rummaging through his friends' most private possessions. These were things from his dead friend's mind, things he, for some reason or another, never actually willingly shared.

But Yoshiki couldn’t let it go. He just had to know. He felt so desperate to have at least some kind closure. Not that this was closure, rather this would just open up a whole other world of unresolved business between them. But what rationale still mattered when you’ve been hanging out with your friend's puppeteered corpse for half a year already!? Yoshiki had already slipped into pure insanity and depravity. What’s some more at this point?

“Hikaru” thought about it for a second.

“Hmmmm, you mean things in public or things at home?”

Oh god

“ Um…both.” He looked away, letting his bangs fall in front of his face to try and hide the rising blush that crept up over his cheeks.

“Welllll, he wanted to hug you, a lot” 

“Oh?” He let out a small laugh. It was too cute.

“He really liked your smile, he wanted to squish your cheeks like this” “Hikaru” Gave him a demonstration, squishing his cheeks with both his hands, and rubbing them slightly, making the other boy laugh. It made him happy, filling his chest with warmth. but god, it also stung. He would have loved for Hikaru, His Hikaru, to do that. Although he wouldn't act happy about it in the moment…

“Oh! And he really liked your lips!” 

Yoshiki's fluttering heat in his chest dropped into his stomach immediately and he felt a sudden rush of blush covering his cheeks once again, even deeper and hotter than before.

"M-my lips?” 

"Uh huh!" “Hikaru was just as excited as before. That damn creature didn't even know what he just had said.

“Uhm, Hikaru?

"Ye? 

“Does that mean you… like them too, then?”

No No oh my god what was he saying?! He wanted to take the words back immediately but it was already too late, “Hikaru” was already thinking about it.

After a short pause he looked over and grinned once again. “Yep! I do! But I like everything about you, Yoshiki!”

“Heh”, Thank god, that was a relief. Seemed like he hadn't really understood the actual meaning behind his question. But what even was his actual meaning? What had he wanted to hear? Yes? No? He was going insane. “ I know you do.”

“But i dont know if i like them the same way He did”

 Oh god, he wasn't finished talking. Yoshiki had celebrated too soon. Still, he couldn't, or wouldn't, cut “Hikaru” off. On the contrary: 

“How is it different?”. No. No, stop it! Control yourself, dammit! You wouldn't want a copy of *you* spilling all your inner thoughts about him to him after you're dead, would you? That is humiliating!

But also, would he mind? I'd want him to know, Yoshiki told himself, not sure if that was actually true or a lie to make himself feel better about this ongoing violation of his friend's mind.

“Well… I dunno, I've felt more and more emotions the more we get to know each other, I feel Hikaru's mind, thoughts, and such much more strongly now, ya know?” Yoshiki nodded, still burning red. 

“But even if i feel it i dont really know what it means? Humans are weird.” 

“We sure are…”

“But these other kinds of feelings, it made Hikaru feel all tingly inside. The thought of your lips, those thoughts would-”

“I- ah- i dont know if you should tell me this”. He had finally managed to regain his senses, this was going too far. “Those kinds of feelings, they are kinda private, ya know…”

“Oh?” Blue eyes looked at him quizzically, trying to read his reaction. 

“Y-yes! Those tingly feelings, those are uh- Things you shouldn't discuss with others in the open”

“Oh…”

Silence. Yoshiki thought he had finally moved on from it, but was wrong yet again. Because after a minute had passed “Hikaru” piped up again:

“Hey, Yoshiki?”

“...Ye?” 

“Do you have those tingly feelings too?”

He felt a humiliating jolt of warmth in his lower abdomen. calm down, he's just asking an innocent question. Just answer him clinically.

He took a deep breath, “Yes. I do. Most people do.”

“When they think about their friends?”

God he kept on twisting the knife and he didn't even realize it. Because the answer is No. It *should* be no.

“Sometimes. Not always, but…” He could've almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Is he really in his room teaching an eldrich horror about the birds and the fucking bees right now???

“Some people catch those types of feelings for their friends, but it's not common between the same genders like it is between boy and girl.”

And he hated that it was so. That's why he had to find all of this out from his friend's corpse, and not from his own mouth. 

“Yoshiki”

It was less a question and more of a command. He felt compelled to raise his head to meet “His” Eyes.

“Y-Ye?” Why was he stuttering all of a sudden?

“Do you have those tingly feelings for me?”

That tipped him over the edge, and an involuntary whine escaped him. He could feel his chest heaving uncontrollably. It was too much.

He didn't like where this was heading, or where he seemed to hope this was heading.But there was no point in lying.

“I do. For *Hikaru*!” He corrected himself. Because he had to remember that this wasn't him. But it was so hard. He wished he could just forget it and feel this happiness and arousal for “Him” without qualms. 

A smile, not his usual grin, but rather a sly smirk was plastered on his friend's face. As if he felt satisfied to have gotten this confession out of him. It made him feel a pang of disgust, hurt, and anger, but, oh my god, it was also really hot.

“Ya know…” The creature continued, voice lower and huskier than his usual upbeat cadence.

“We're not in public right now…”

Yoshiki whimpered

“Do you want to know what Hikaru thought of doing when looking at your lips?”

Fuck it. He had all the time in the world to regret this and hate himself for it later. but now-

He nodded. When he looked up again he realized how close “Hikaru" had gotten.

And so quietly, as if almost a whisper, he locked eyes with him and said:

“Do you want me to show you?”  

Chapter Text

“It’s funny,” ‘Hikaru’ chuckled. “You always tellin’ me to not enter you or touch you back but-“

“Im telling you to not do it without without permission” Yoshiki corrected under his breath

‘Hikaru’ hummed. He had slid up to Yoshiki on the floor, and onto his lap. They now sat on the tatami mat in Yoshiki's bedroom, with his back resting onto the side of his bed and with ‘Hikaru’ straddled in his lap. He was painfully aware of his erection as he felt the weight of his “friend” above him. ‘Hikarus’ pupils were glowing brightly in the afternoon sun beaming from the window, as the warm light hit his face and brought out his beautiful, youthful features. Fuck, he is so beautiful. He *was* beautiful, Yoshiki corrected himself internally, but it was a halfhearted effort. His mind was swimming in a whirlwind of emotions, feeling lightheaded and unable to string coherent thoughts together. Much less ponder on his friend's death and the morality of it all. This is wrong, he thought, but it was more of an observation than any kind of moral stance on the matter. 

Because it was undeniable, he needed this. He needed to feel Hikaru's love, even if it was just a memory, even if this was a real, fucked up thing to do. I’m so selfish. An observation. He let it pass.

“Tell me”. His voice was weak, not much more than a whimper. Later he would toss in bed cursing his patheticness. His chest was heaving. 

“Hmm, how much detail do you want?” 

“All of it” he hissed. 

“Even though you said I shouldn’t talk ‘bout it in the open-“

“I don’t fucking care”, Yoshiki bit back. Don't he dare be the one to talk about what’s wrong or right at this moment. “I want to know it all!” 

This seemed to amuse the creature. Perhaps he was happy to not have to hold back. 

“Very well, then” ‘Hikaru’ giggled. A sly grin spread across his face. He reached out his hand and nudged Yoshiki's face upwards, pale index finger curled under his chin, thumb resting just right below his bottom lip.

“You see, Yoshiki. You do this thing, when you’re always pouting. ‘I’ know you don’t that what you're doing, but that’s what it is. And sometimes, when deep in thought, your bottom lip sticks out. Like this:”

‘Hikaru’ playfully pressed down his thumb, slightly pulling Yoshiki's mouth open. Yoshiki followed along without hesitation. It was as if he didn’t control his body anymore, he just gave it all to ‘Hikaru’. 

“‘I’ simply couldn’t take my eyes off of it. That little opening. It felt like an invitation.” Hikaru laughed. It was obvious this was affecting him as well. Whatever way this creature felt in that body, maybe it was the real Hikaru's memories and feelings playing out. Either way, his voice was filled with lust. 

I made Hikaru feel like this. A weird sense of pride filled him. To know he could just be sitting there and do nothing but still make Hikaru go crazy for him… 

He was jolted back into the present by ‘Hikaru's’ thumb inching ever so closer to his lip.

“Every time you did it, I wanted to do just this.

Do you want me to tell you? or should i just show you?”

“No!” Yoshiki's response came out as a mix between words and a moan. “I wanna hear it. Everything!”

“Gotcha” he laughed again, in that same breathless voice.

“Well, first I’d want to run my thumb over them just like this:”

His touch was so light it almost tickled, brushing over his slightly parted mouth

“Oh! And I was right! How much I’d love to feel that hot breath on my thumb. Of course, you wouldn’t disappoint me, Yoshiki.”

Yoshiki moaned silently in response, unwittingly rolling his hips upwards to his “friend”. It felt so good, to just be himself, to do nothing but just exist and still be so perfect in his eyes. He wanted to be the best he could be for him. For his Hikaru.

“And you would look so confused. Startled even. Your eyes would widen in surprise. But you wouldn’t back away from it. No. You’d just stand still right where you are, following my lead. Because you trust me. Because you love me .”

Yoshiki nodded along, caught in a daze.

“You have such a stern look in your eyes. But you have another side, that belongs only to me. Oh you look like a little puppy in my hands! And as I keep doing just this”- thumb kept running along the sensitive skin- “you would wordlessly and subconsciously lean into my touch. 

“And I would move closer” he did just that, leaning in over Yoshiki, nudging him to look up even higher, caging him in.

“And then” ‘Hikarus’ breath seemed to hitch. He let out a sigh of pure pleasure. He was getting so excited. When he carried on talking, Yoshiki could hear a slight shake in his voice from the apparent arousal this creature was now very apparently experiencing. 

“And then I’d just” his thumb had stopped, and now in a more firm manner, he curled it slightly, parting his lips and brushing against his teeth. Without thinking, Yoshiki opened his mouth more to let him in, letting his jaw hang slack in ‘Hikarus’ grip. 

“Yes! Just like that! And I’d press down on your tongue, while looking deep into your beautiful eyes, seeing them dilate as you lose yourself in my gaze. And then I’d feel your beautiful lips close around m-“ ‘Hikaru’ interrupted himself with a hitched breath as Yoshiki did exactly that. Leaning in closer, he had taken his thumb in his mouth, pressing his tongue against ‘Hikarus’ fingertip, watching closely and feeling satisfaction roll over him as he saw the results in ‘Hikaru's’ face, grimacing slightly, breathing heavily. When he opened his eyes to meet his again they were glazed over in pure lust. 

“And then I’d- haah- then I’d look at you, telling you just how good you are for me, following my lead so obediently.” 

Yoshiki wished his praises would never stop.

“I’d release my grip, and watch the beautiful shine of your saliva on my hand, Id tell you how good your mouth feels, Yoshiki. How I wanted to feel it even more . And you'd know exactly what i mean, wouldn't you”

“I do” Yoshiki automatically licked his lips at the thought. Damm his friend for being such a chatterbox, couldn't he just get on with it already?. But he didn't voice this, he wanted Hikaru to do exactly what he wanted with him, and he'd love every second of it.

Hikaru took a deep breath, as if to collect himself. He then cupped Yoshiki's face, feeling that slight cold from his thumb on his cheek. Before his other hand, which had until now rested on Yoshiki's shoulder, quickly tangled itself into his black hair and pulled, arching his neck. He almost yelped in surprise, before ‘Hikaru’ dived in to kiss him. But was he really just ‘Hikaru’? Is he still just ‘Hikaru’ if he follows what the real Hikaru wanted? Can’t he just be Hikaru…  my Hikaru. Just for now…

Yoshiki wrapped his arms around Hikaru, eager hands running up and down along his spine. Fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck all of them. Fuck this town. Fuck this world. Fuck those mountains that tore his life apart. 

Hikaru pulled away from the kiss, biting Yoshiki's bottom lips as he did so. It sent shivers down his spine and right to his dick. He opened his eyes slightly to be met with the sight of Hikaru, his Hikaru, throwing his head back and panting. They were both bucking their hips, rutting against each other in clumsy, reckless, teenage frenzy. It made him smile, it reminded him that Hikaru could run his mouth all he wanted, they were still just two inexperienced teenagers after all. Discovering a whole new world together. 

“Yoshiki?” Hikaru's confidence seemed to waver slightly.

“Hm?” 

“I- can I- do you-haaah- do you want to know what else I wanted- no, what I want? ” 

“Yes”

“Then id…” Hikaru shifted, pushing Yoshiki down onto his back. Yoshiki followed without hesitation, relishing in being at the mercy of his friend’s every whim.

“Then I’d press you down just like this. And you’d be all in my hands. And you’d look so beautiful. And you’d make such pretty sounds for me, Yoshiki”

“The sounds that would come from those beautiful lips , and all of them for me and me alone. Only for me, Yoshiki!”

His name was like liquid gold rolling off Hikaru's tongue. He wanted to hear it forever and ever.

“I wanna see you unravel, Yoshiki!”

Yoshiki let out what could almost be a scream as Hikaru latched onto his neck and started to suck. Nibbling, and running his tongue over the little bruise that had formed. 

He repositioned himself, causing unbearable friction causing Yoshiki to buck his hips in chase of the sensation. Hikaru leaned, finger stroking the fresh mark right above his collarbone and whispered in his ear.

“Of course, I’d only mark you where you could cover it up easily enough. But you know, I’d be so tempted to just go a little bit too high up” Yoshiki could hear the smile in his voice. “Just to fucking smear it in their face. Claim you, once and for all. I wanted them to know that they could never tear us two apart.” While talking, Hikaru finally unzipped Yoshiki's pants, and pulling down the waistband of his boxers, Yoshiki felt like he could cry out of sheer relief. Hikaru bent down to whisper again: “they could never tear us apart. Because you’re mine. And I’m yours.” 

Hot tears pooled in Yoshiki's eyes. He knew he should be feeling so many things about this imposter telling him such things. But the real Hikaru was gone forever. He couldn’t bear himself to deny himself this fleeting moment of the heaven he had always envisioned. Right now he felt like he would burn down the world for his beloved friend, and feel secure knowing he’d do the same. Love, grief, and just overwhelming and all encompassing lust danced around in his mind, until he didn’t know what was what anymore. Everything faded, and only Hikaru remained.