Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Take off your clothes."

Daniel Larusso turned at once, his right shoulder bumping (bumping that) (cocaine) up against the gates of Sinegard Academy.

"Ouch!" He intoned, rubbing his shoulder with his other hand.

The man who had just entered the room studied him, looking unimpressed.

"HUH," he shouted, and Daniel flinched.

"Who are you, and where is Miyagi?" He asked nervously.

"Do you have hair on your special place?" the man asked, poking him with a chopstick.

"What're you talking about man?" Daniel exclaimed. "Who the fuck are you?"

The man rolled his eyes. "My name is Dr. House, and I'm going to cure you of your terrible illness." He banged his cane against the floor and three other doctors in lab coats appeared, holding syringes filled with bright purple liquid like in Arcane, or Despicable Me 2 (there are surprisingly many similarities between the two). 

"I'm Chase," said the pretty blonde doctor. "I'm from down undah. By that, I mean Australiar. My mum was a kangaroo and my dad was a koala."

"I'm Foreman and I think you have lupus," said the second doctor. 

"You are a black man," House said, pointing his finger accusingly at Foreman.

"I know," sighed Foreman. "You only hired me to do crimes, blah blah blah. You know I'm a real doctor? I graduated first in my class?"

"Save it for prison," House yawned. Daniel was extremely confused.

"I'm Carmen," said the last doctor. "I was hired because I'm a woman and they needed at least a couple of episodes on this show to pass the Bechdel test."

"A show?" Daniel cried. "We're on a show? What is this, reality TV or something?"

"BINGPOT!" A man wearing a grey suit and bow tie suddenly appeared beside him. "You, Daniel Larusso, are dead. But don't worry, you're in the Good Place."

He winked at the cameras surreptitiously. "Of course, you're actually in the Bad Place, being tortured by secret K-pop demons, but you don't need to know that."

"Come again?" Daniel felt his face pale and his voice trembled. "I'm in the Bad Place?"

"Shoot, you heard that? Guess I gotta wipe your memories now. Johnny Johnny yes papa, come to papa and wipe his memories, will you?"

The dustbin nearby rattled loudly and a man popped out from inside, like a Jack in a Box. But instead, this was Johnny in a Box because the man's name was Johnny.

Daniel blinked twice. "You!"

"I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR A TAKEDOWN!"

Suddenly three Kpop demon hunters in leather and spandex burst onto the stage, which had materialised where Sinegard Academy once stood.

"Don't worry Daniel!" They yelled, waving scarves in the air to the host of cheering fans. "We'll save you from the Bad Place!"

Rumi, the lead secret kpop demon hunter, levelled her sword at Michael. "Prepare to die, bitch," she said.

"Wait!" cried a short man, rushing up to the scene.

"Bobby (the guy from kpop demon hunters, not karate kid)? What are you doing here?"

Bobby pulled out a tape measure and started taking Michael's measurements. "Perfect!" he said. "He's just what we need to complete our crew of backup dancers!"

Rumi blinked (like blinks, like the kpop fans? Yk?), put down her sword, and shrugged. "Sure. Welcome to the team!"

Bobby dropped the beat, and the three kpop demon hunters performed a flawless rendition of their hit single, Golden, with Michael dancing enthusiastically. 

"That was wonderful!" he said after the performance, tears forming in his eyes. "We just moved our meat suits around and everybody clapped! I'm pretty sure Obama was there too."

Zoey put an arm on Michael's shoulder (she had to climb on a ladder to do it). "That's the power of kpop, pookie," she grinned.

Daniel pulled the plug on Bobby's music player thing, looking thunderous. "IF SOMEONE DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, I'M GOING TO KARATE CHOP EVERYONE TO DEATH!" 

"Hollup," said a really chill voice from the shadows. It was miyagi. "you must balance. Daniel san. You must remain on your feet."

"But Miyagi!" Daniel burst, "These absolute buffoons have been driving me up the wall! Please help me!"

"remain resilient and steadfast Daniel san. Do not be driven up the wall but paint with ur wrist. Up and down."

"Miyagi. At last we meet."

Dr. House extended his hand towards Miyagi, but Miyagi stared at it distastefully.

"What...are...you...saying..." Miyagi managed through gritted teeth. Ribbons of smoke started rising from his gi and suddenly he was engulfed in fire.

"WHAT, YOU EGG! YOU MISTAKE A GOD LIKE ME FOR A MERE (SUPER COOL) MORTAL LIKE MIYAGI? TIS ME! YOUR ONE TRUE GOD. ROBIN."

As if at once, the Kpop demon hunters, Daniel, Michael and all the other demons from the Bad Place started straight up jorking it.

"ENOUGH!" thundered House. "Jojo, have you learned nothing?"

Jojo Siwa descended from the heavens, looking mildly ticked off. "Ugh. Everything went to shit, like so fast. We're going to have to do a redo."

Michael looked up. "A redo? Like, wipe everybody's memories and start again?"

"Yes," Jojo grinned, and snapped her fingers.

Chapter Text

Daniel opened his eyes to a room he had never seen before. Daylight strummed in through the windows and a green sign hung in front of him. It read 'WELCOME! EVERYTHING IS GNARLY!"

Daniel smiled, feeling at peace.

"Daniel?"

The door to his right opened, and a man popped his head in.

"I'm Robin. Come on in. Yes, come on in."

Looking closely, Daniel could now see the man was straight up jorking it. He sat down on the chair opposite Robin and stared at him finish his business.

"So... Daniel. There's no easy way to say this." Robin squirmed in his chair. "You, Daniel Larusso, are dead. Thrice. But don't worry. You're in the Good Place. Thrice."

"What's the Good Place?" Daniel asked. "And if I'm dead, why am I not a ghost?"

"That is something very offensive to the people of the dead community," Robin said gravely.

"My bad chat," Daniel said. "Now what? Is this an afterlife or something?"

"Yes," said Robin. "Or something..."

He rubbed his hands together in barely concealed glee, looking every bit Machiavellian.

"Remember how I said this was the Good Place?" Robin continued. "This is the Pre-Good Place. You get into the real Good Place by winning the Triwizard Tournament."

"Bloody 'ell!"

Daniel suddenly found himself talking like a little British orphan. Of course, he had parents - they were the King and the Queen of England - but that didn't make him any less of a British orphan than all the other British orphans.

As if summoned by a spell (a spell, get it? Hahaha), three teenagers in robes riding brooms swooshed through the window, shattering the glass.

"I think I'll TRYYYYY DEFYING! GRAVITY!" Screeched the ginger lad, tossing his hair dramatically. "Oh, hello Daniel," he whispered seductively, noticing the newcomer.

Daniel slapped himself violently, and nothing happened except his cheeks hurting, which is a consequence he hadn't really thought about because he doesn't think about consequences very much. "Okay. So this isn't a dream."

"Now that you're settled in nicely, Daniel, let me explain the rules of the Triwizard Tournament." Robin clapped his hands and three men playing the trumpets (the trumpets, the trumpets) entered the room. "It's simple. Fight to the death. Thrice. Whenever you're ready."

"Before we start, let us introduce ourselves," the girl with the curly hair said brightly. "I'm Hermione Granger, smartest witch of my generation, maybe ever." She pointed at the kid with the glasses. "That's Harry Potter, saviour of the wizarding world and all that. He has a scar that he doesn't shut up about." 

"My scar hurts," said Harry Potter.

"See?" Hermione said. "Anyway. This is Ron (Ron, Ron Weasley!), and he had a pet rat that turned out to be the Dark Lord's most loyal servant. Also a human. How about you though? What's your name?"

"Oh uh. My name is Daniel LaRusso, and I have no idea what's going on! All I want is to go back to my life and do some fucking karate. This is what happens when you move to bloomin' California! I'm telling you mate, it's fackin ridiculous, this is!"

Saying this, he began to smash random bits of Robin's office in a blind rage. 

"Daniel-san!" A voice boomed from the heavens. "Must find balance!"

Daniel took a deep breath, centered himself through an extraordinary feat of peace, empowerment, and meditation, and kicked Hermione, Harry, and Ron in the face.

"Ouchie," cried Ron, rubbing his face. Meanwhile, Harry rolled around on the floor, screaming in agony.

"My scar! My scar!" He clutched his forehead for dear life as he bled out through the open scar. "I DIE," he shouted, and promptly combusted (yes, CUMbusted).

Light bloomed from where Harry lay, splintering the fragile universe in which they stood, tugging frantically at the threads of space-time that defined their reality. Daniel watched as the world unravelled, and, for a moment, as he watched stars collide and time stretch and atoms fracture, he saw the universe for what it was. For that single moment, the space between two breaths, Daniel was one with the cosmic chasm which was everything and nothing all at once. He saw the face of God, watched his soul separate from his body, and... sat on a bagel?

But the moment was gone, and suddenly, as if nothing at all happened, Daniel was at the All-Valley Karate tournament. 

2-2. 

Next point wins.