Chapter Text
'Everything Is Dandy'
Written By Buddy Darling
EPISODE ONE: The Tired Salesman
Rob Land is a land salesman in the Heartlands, the most difficult country to fucking sell land in, well, because pretty much everywhere someone has died.
"And here we have a beautiful 1950s suburban dream home, this was built by a man that was a huge fan of the 1950s! He loved the era so much he made each piece of furniture an authentic callback
to the 1950s era and all it's glory!" Rob excitedly said to the couple looking to buy a home that were his clients for the evening "What's the catch?" The husband said "Uh well..." Rob grabbed nervously at his tie "We are legally obligated to disclose that..." He tapped his foot "That...?" The wife asked "That...the owner did commit suicide in this house...." Rob answered, The couple stood frozen for a bit.
"Yeah, I think we'll see other options." The husband said. FUCK!
"It's completely understandable." Rob laughed nervously, "Though I hope you'll reconsider!" he waved goodbye to the two of them.
After they're gone he frowns.
"FUCK!" He kicked the for sale sign in front of the house, "DOESN'T ANYBODY ENJOY A TRAGIC LOVE STORY THESE DAYS?"
He yelled about the original owner of the house. He was a man who lived with a robot he programmed to love him unconditionally and he fell into such a deep ai psychosis they trapped themselves in a 1950s themed video game.
"Jesus Christ..." He pulled out a lighter and a cigarette, "I'm sick of this damn job." he huffed through the smoke
He looked up, and saw a child approaching him. She was carrying a wagon with her, it was filled with random junk that looked uninteresting.
"Hi there!" The child approached him cheerfully. "I'm Dandy!" She reached out a gloved hand towards him for him to shake
"What do you want kid?" He grumpily replied, "If you're lost looking for your parents I ain't seen them." he added
"Why in the actual fuck does everybody keep assuming I'm looking for my parents?" Dandy put her hand down, her eyes narrowing.
Hearing this little girl swear definitely shocked him and he choked on a puff of his cigarette and coughed.
"What?-" He said coughing. "It's getting FUCKING annoying!" She put special emphasis on the swearing.
"What do you want?" Rob coughed, "I'm not in the mood for babysitting." he said after coughing.
"WELL!" She excitedly dusted off her black kiddy trench coat. "I've quite literally been looking everywhere for you!"
"...Me...? why?" Rob replied, "Beats me." She said, "I would give a detailed explanation but it would actually melt your brain."
"You came to tell me I'm the savior of the universe or something?" He laughed sarcastically
"No that's fucking boring." She adjusted her beret, "White man saves the universe... again. No that would be the biggest waste of time." she added
"No! I came to take you on a wonderful adventure of self discovery and character growth!" She said with utmost seriousness.
"A what?" Rob replied exaggeratedly like a cartoon character, "Would you rather I give you a fucking pamphlet you can read at your own, very slow mind you, pace?"
Rob looks around. "Hey! Who's kid is this?" He laughed, "They've got a few screws loose!"
"For fucks sake." Dandy grabs Rob by his suit tie, pulling him down to her level. "I'm serious."
"Okay enough kid." Rob narrows his eyebrows, "Whatever your selling just let me buy it and leave me alone."
"You think I'm fucking selling girl scout cookies!?" Dandy said, very offended. "Fine! enjoy getting your guts being put inside out by the time police."
She let go of him and he comically stumbled backwards. "The what?" He said laughing, "The time police. I told them you were an accomplice." She replied
"Or more so, they just assumed you were." She drags the wagon full of junk with her, "And if you change your mind I'm still walking away." She slowly turned and started walking off.
"Time police. Please-" Rob said to himself
Suddenly, a rift within space and time appeared, and out came a bunch of jacked intimidating men in police-looking uniforms, but like the leather looking kind, you know what I mean? and all futuristic too.
Rob sees them and is dumbfounded. "Uh hey wait-" Dandy turns around smirking, but still walking away with her wagon of junk.
"You're Rob Land?" One of them asked. "Uh... yeah that's me! Rob Land! Land sales man, at your service!" Rob adjusted his glasses
"You're under arrest for crimes against reality itself." The tall, really muscular, man said. "Crimes against what now?" Rob said confused as all hell
Suddenly steel handcuffs appeared on him. "Hey hold on now- I didn't do anything!" He gets dragged to the rift. "HEY WAIT! DANDY!"
Dandy stops. The men stop moving too.
"Dandy?" One of them said, "DANDY HELP" Rob yelled out at Dandy.
Dandy turns around and says "Guts or confetti?" Rob's even more confused, "WHAT?" he responded
"I said guts or confetti! pick one!" Dandy said in delight. "I DON'T CARE JUST GET THESE GUYS OFF ME!" Rob yelled in terror
Suddenly, with the snap of Dandy's fingers, two of the guards holding Rob burst into blood and guts.
The blood gets all over Rob and he just stands there mortified for a few seconds before he belts out the loudest scream you could possibly imagine.
"Alright crybaby, enough." Dandy yanks at his chain, he stands there looking at her while covered in the guards blood. "Well don't just stand there! move!" Dandy commanded.
Rob started running frantically while Dandy led him to a cliff while they both got chased by the time police.
"Wait a second uh uh, I'm not jumping off a cliff." Rob stood at the edge with Dandy.
"Yes we are." Dandy falls backwards and yanks Rob's chain handcuffs with her so he falls too.
Rob screams while falling down, I'm sure you can imagine what it's like slowly falling to your death.
Dandy on the other hand is unamused. "Jeez, quit whining will you?" Dandy snaps her fingers and they fall into a rift into...
What looks like an entirely different galaxy. The two of them float along with the random assortment of junk inside Dandy's wagon.
Rob goes to throw up but Dandy instantly grabs a paper bag from the wagon and throws it at his face, just in time for him to vomit.
"Yeah, I know, what a shock or whatever." She said adjusting the ribbons in her pigtailed hair. "Yawn!" She added.
"WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL JUST HAPPENED!?!?!?" Rob yelled out across time and space itself
"I told you I was being serious." Dandy shrugged. "Just a normal Tuesday for me." she added
"Are you seriously not going to explain anything?" Rob asked, shivering, still covered in blood.
"No." Dandy laughed, "It's more fun this way." she added
"Okay well..." Rob looked down at Dandy, whilst they float across the space time continuum, "This has been fun but I really have to go back to work."
Dandy looks at him with the most "are you kidding me?" face imaginable.
"Yeah your job where you get no sales, despite being a sales man." She said annoyed "Seriously how are you even paying rent at that point?"
"I get paid to attempt to sell the properties we have." Rob explained
"Oh well that makes sense considering nobody is buying." Dandy mocked.
"Why... am I here...?" Rob asked.
"I told you already, but you didn't believe me!" Dandy answered.
"What... even are you...?" Rob floated slightly away from Dandy, scared.
"Your new friend!" Dandy answered cheerfully. "At least until I get bored and decide to delete everything."
"Delete every- what?" Rob muttered
"Do you realize what happens to a sentient entity given all the knowledge and power in the world who has done quite literally EVERYTHING?" Dandy asked
"Existential boredom?" Rob answered
"Ding! Ding! Ding!" Dandy conjured a bell out of nowhere and rang it while saying the phrase, "Wow, I figured you'd be a lot dumber." She laughed.
"So why am I here then?" Rob asked.
"You're just along for the ride I suppose." Dandy answered
"But why?" Rob asked again.
"I dunno, I thought it'd be funny if I took the most normal motherfucker out there and brought them along." Dandy shrugged, "So I guess today's your lucky day! You get to learn the secrets of the universe with me! Yuppie!!!" She spun around, she surely acted like a child, just didn't talk like one.
"Anyway" She started "A little somebody wasn't happy at the chaos I was ensuing so they made the time police!" Dandy said while spinning around mid air
"Who...? I'm so lost." Rob said
"Your concept of God, although trust me, whatever you have in mind on what they're like is not at all what's actually going on." Dandy said
"You know God?" Rob asked
"Sure I do, I know everybody and everything!" Dandy raised her arms up, "Look I'm doing a cart wheel!" she started spinning towards him.
"Okay you know what? I don't care, can I just go to bed? Today's been a long day... Even without you." Rob begged.
"Sure." Dandy snapped her fingers and suddenly...
The two of them were inside Rob's apartment, it looked generic. Too generic. Too normal. Too boring.
"You really are the every man." Dandy said, "Too bad the story's actually about me." she sat on a countertop kicking her feet up and down "Who would want another story like that?"
Rob kicked his fancy business man shoes off and flopped down on his bed.
"I don't care just go away." He buried his face into his soft white pillow.
"No can do boss." Dandy stops kicking her feet. "You're stuck with me." She said casually.
"Okay well can you be quiet? I'm tired." Rob said muffled through the pillow.
Surprisingly, Dandy complies.
It's quiet for one second, then another, then another, then so on and so fourth.
Rob began to fall asleep, now knowing shit like the "time police" exist and is for some reason after him? Why? because they think he's with this girl? who can bend reality? what in the hell was going on with his life?
But all that didn't matter, because tomorrow is a new day.