Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“You must think I'm a fool.”

“You’re young, we’ve all made bad decisions. I should know.”

“You don’t think it’s foolish that I still love him?”

“Love is a strong word.”

“It’s the only word that feels right… what we had.”

“Listen, kid, I hate to break it to you, but what you both had, it wasn’t love.”

“It’s the only love we both ever know. Despite the dents and scratches, what matters is that we did love each other, in our own way.”

“Clearly not a love that lasted or should remain.”

“I know, but it was real… once.”

As a miner, their recharge stations were always crowded. Even in the middle of the lunar cycle, you were bound to come across some mechs still awake and messing around. As Dee stared at his new quarters at the High Guard base, he felt nothing but the coldness of the habsuite. It was small, since the building was an old relic from the time of the Primes and the High Guard didn’t exactly have the best accommodations while on the surface, yet it felt too large for him. Even the berth - a proper horizontal berth - looked uncomfortable to lay on.

He’d never been alone before.

“I don’t…” Dee hesitated, blue optics casted down as he tried to avoid the older mech’s gaze. He wanted to explain that he didn’t need his own space, that he was fine bunking with the other High Guard members, yet what came out of his intake was different, “You don’t know what Pax is like.”

“Enlighten me.” He didn’t know if the older mech was angry or it was simply his nature to be snarky, yet Dee could tell from Starscream’s tense wing panels and crossed arms that he was at least annoyed with… him?

“Pax was a good friend—”

“Ha! And the Primes were exactly the way Sentinel portrayed them to be.” Starscream rolled his optics, pressing a servo to his face as his wings flicked upwards. “Kid, I understand friendship. Trust me, I do, but I cannot put my trust in you if you are this compromised—”

“Pax was a good friend.” He insisted, servos curling into fists. His spark whirred inside his chassis, a bubbling anger that made him want to scream. Yet in an instant, the ember died out and he was left in the wake of its ashes. “He was…”

“May I remind you the last time I talked to Orion Pax, he threatened to rip my trinemate’s wings off.” Dee did remember that, and he had to bite his glossa from retorting that the only reason Pax had been hostile was because Thundercracker had grabbed Pax without asking for permission. He knew better than to antagonize Starscream who had begun to pace the length of the room, the High Guard Commander’s blue optics darkening ever so slightly. “That isn’t even mentioning how aggressive he was and, small question, did we both not see him be chosen as a Prime?”

“I know.”

“And Sentinel!” The seeker nearly snarled, wing panels lifting to shadow the light from the hall. Cogless as he was, Dee felt eclipsed underneath that harsh blue gaze. “You do not wish to imagine the horrors he must be going through. He may have fallen far from who he once was, but no mech deserves to be under the cruelty of a Prime.”

“I know.”

“And you!” Starscream threw his arms up, the exasperation so visible in his face that Dee felt a hint of shame. “I do not for one klik believe you’re naive enough to not—”

“I know!” He stomped his pede, wanting nothing more than to hit the wall or to curl up underneath the berth where it was dark and reminded him of the isolation of the times. Yet he felt all he achieved from his outburst was proving Starscream right at how young he was. Dee was used to others looking down at him, yet it stung all the same. “Of course, I knew! I’m not as blind as I like to pretend I am. I knew what Pax was like! And I didn’t care, Starscream! Because he was what I needed, okay?!”

His frame moved before he could think. 

There was nowhere on the base he could go, and there was no home to return to.

All he had was this cold habsuite next to old mechs who wouldn’t leave him alone. He could hardly walk anywhere without Soundwave appearing and attempting to lighten his ‘grumpy’ mood, or Shockwave insisting Dee could always talk to him. 

Even in what was supposed to be his habsuite, there was no privacy, because Starscream had followed him here to lecture him.

And yet…

He didn’t want them to leave him alone.

He can’t be alone.

It did nothing but ruin his appearance, yet Dee could care less as he buried his face on the berth, wishing that he could scream and cry yet what use was that?

It would only make Starscream think lower of him.

It would only make Shockwave or Soundwave or both rush into the room in an attempt to calm him down.

He didn’t need that.

Yet what he needed wasn’t right. 

And maybe… it was wrong to need Pax…

He tried not to cry, yet he could feel the coolness of the cleaning fluid on his cheekplates, their soft cascade…

Dee did not make a noise. It was a practiced habit. He did not cry often, yet he was emotional - Pax always said as much. Yet, in the mines, he couldn’t show such weakness.

A small sob received mockery.

Weeping meant ridicule.

Outwardly crying could lead to a physical altercation if you didn’t keep yourself under control.

It wasn’t that the others miners were mean. In some ways, it was an attempt to keep one another safe - a painful shield. Better to face harsh criticism from your peers than from the cogged mechs who would only relish in your misery.

It felt strange.

He only ever shed tears for Pax.

Pax was the only one who ever allowed Dee to feel.

When he first came online at the start of the solar cycle, it was Pax’s face that he saw. 

It was always Pax. Even when the stars had finally disappeared from the sky, it was as though there was one that would always be there for him. Pax always woke up first, impatiently waiting for Dee and crowding him in his own recharge berth until Dee was online and he could drag him to another grand scheme of his.

Dee had put up his usual fuss during the Iacon 5000, as he always did when Pax wanted him to do anything dangerous, yet they both knew deep inside Dee would always be by Pax’s side through anything.

Now, where was he?

As the tears continued to fall from his optics, he pressed his servos to his face even though he knew Starscream couldn’t see it anyway. He felt the chill of the cleaning against his digits, yet there was nothing compared to the warmth of energon that no longer stained his servos… yet he could feel it… feel Pax…

Dee always liked the stars.

It was difficult in Iacon since the view of the sky was blocked by the shifting surface, yet there were times when an opening would reveal the bright lights above. It always saddened him when he had to bid them farewell, yet that feeling would disappear as soon as he saw Pax. 

It didn’t matter if the stars would one day fade away - long-living as Cybertronians were. 

Who cared for lights so far away when he had his own star always waiting for him?

And yet… Dee should have known that all stars fade away.

Or well no, stars did fade away, yet they could also grow brighter.

And Pax…

Dee was a fool to think that Pax could ever want him.

Or maybe, it was his fault for forgetting that stars burn. 

Lost as he was in his thoughts, he nearly missed the servo that landed against his back. In the blackhole that was beginning to consume his processor, he nearly forgot that Starscream was still in the room. This was no place for him to be emotional.

He could never show such weakness again.

“You don’t have to hide yourself. You can cry.”

“Not in front of you.” Dee wiped the traces away, hoping that overtime the tears would stop and he would not leave corrosive marks on his face. To show such a weakness, it would be embarrassing. “I know you don’t understand why. I know your story. I know what you’ve gone through, so I understand why you think I’m being a fool. But you don’t know me, and you don’t know Pax. It is best I move on, I know, but for this lunar cycle let me grieve.”

“You’re right.” Starscream’s voice was soft, nearly comforting. “I don’t know you.”

He felt the berth shift, and a wing panel graze his own blue ones. Dee looked over his shoulder, and from the light of the hall, he could nearly see Starscream’s face. The seeker’s helm was raised slightly in that haughty way he carried himself, yet there was a gentleness in his optics as he moved his servo from Dee’s back to his shoulder.

“Yet, you’re now under my care. You’re under the High Guard’s protection. I forget that you’re nothing but a civilian.” 

Starscream let out a small vent.

“So, explain, why is he a mech worth these tears?”

Chapter Text

“Hey.”

The datapad in his servo nearly slipped out of his grasp, blue optics darting upwards as he attempted to steel his face.

D-16, or Dee as most of the miners called him, tried to keep his emotions in check if he could. As one of the larger cogless mechs, he was usually one of the ones most mechs avoided since they were wary he could beat them in a fight. While Dee was no pushover, he would rather avoid conflict if he could and so, even if he was a sensitive mech at spark, he stuck to his reputation.

With the datapad mostly pressed to his chassis, he narrowed his optics, adjusting to the sudden shadow that had fallen over him. 

Dee recognized him immediately.

The mech across the berth from him.

Orion Pax, or Orion as most of the miners called him, was not a mech that Dee held any particularly strong feelings towards. With his purple frame with its dull gold decals that matched the gold of his optics, he did stand out compared to most of the other miners. 

He also had a bit of a reputation.

He was not as big as Dee, and yet…

“Hey…” He tried to keep his voice neutral, yet his wariness seeped into the word. Dee didn’t know a lot about Orion Pax, yet he’d heard some bad rumors from Elita. Orion Pax was not the type of mech you wanted around you, because it usually meant a visit to the medical bay or that he needed something from you, and it was never a good idea to be indebted to a mech who treated favors as though they were eternal life debts. 

Dee made it a habit not to be indebted to anyone, or to be underneath anyone’s attention.

He got enough of that from cogged mechs who found him… appealing.

“Thought you could use this.” He didn’t have time to process any of Orion Pax’s words before another datapad was shoved near his face. He lurched, expecting the hit that never came. He tried to ignore the small snicker that Orion Pax let out as Dee’s facade dropped, almost as if that had been his intention all along. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve seen some of the stuff you wrote.”

“I— huh?” Dee nearly rose to his pedes if Orion Pax wasn’t crowding him in.

“Piece of advice, most mechs place their valuables underneath the berth. If you don’t want others stealing your stuff, keep it in your subspace.” Orion Pax held out the other datapad, tapping the edge of it against the one Dee currently held. There was an easy grin on his face, as if he was relishing the emotions that were openly dancing in Dee’s optics. He no longer cared to pretend, not when the other mech had admitted to going through his personal datapad. “You’re lucky I keep those cybervultures away, don’t want those poems to be stolen, now do we?”

“What do you want?” The chill in his spark ceased, a sense of calm washing over him as he realized what the other mech was attempting. Dee has had to deal with many propositions in the past. As a cogless miner, it was simply a part of who you were. To survive, you had to give a piece of yourself when it was demanded. This was a routine he could easily follow, as simple as mining for energon. “I don’t think stealing a cogless miner’s small poems pay a lot of shanix. I don’t owe you much if that’s what—”

“You owe me your dignity. Those poems were really personal, and while literature isn’t really my thing, I know you would rather cause a cave-in than let the others know that underneath that tough exterior, there’s a mech inside there with a dream.” To his surprise, Orion Pax knelt down, those gold optics meeting his gaze as the light from above shone down at them. Despite himself, he couldn’t help but memorize that burning glare, as bright as the stars that shone down from above on a surface that Dee would never get to see. “That’s worth a lot, D-16.”

He felt his cheekplates heat up and his spark whirr rapidly that he nearly wanted to purge. 

This was why he never wanted to catch anyone’s optics.

He already avoided Elita, he didn’t need to avoid Orion Pax too - who would be more difficult since his recharge station was right across from Dee’s.

“I have nothing to offer you but shanix… and some of my rations.” Dee bit the edge of his glossa, hoping that would entice the other mech into leaving him alone. No one in their right processor would turn down more energon. “I don’t… I don’t want…”

“What are you talking about?” Orion Pax’s gaze narrowed, and his frame shifted as he moved closer to Dee. He should have shoved him away, yet there was a conflicted look in the other’s optics that made Dee hesitate. Orion Pax held out the datapad in his servo again. “I’m not a patient mech, while it was funny seeing your reaction, I’m done playing around. I didn’t come here to get anything from you.”

That… Dee felt his face heat up again, this time out of embarrassment. He shifted, back moving away from the wall as he moved slightly closer.

“Then… Why are you talking to me?” Dee winced, wishing he had asked that question with more grace. Yet from the look on Orion Pax’s face, he didn’t appear offended. If anything, his frame became less tense and he moved away as Dee leaned into him more - a slightly blue tinting his face, though Dee didn’t know why he looked that way.

“Look, I said don’t take it the wrong way, okay? I look through everyone’s stuff, you never know what useful information you can get.” Orion Pax tilted his head, a playful grin on his face. “You’re not special.”

“I know.” He deadpanned, “We’re cogless miners.”

“No, that isn't— Ugh, truly the poet, so difficult to talk to.” Orion Pax rolled his optics, yet the smile on his face only grew wider, as if Dee was amusing him. “The point is, I snooped through your datapad not because I want anything from you, I look through everyone’s. I didn’t mean to read your poems.”

No one else aside from Dee was meant to ever see those poems, and a part of him wanted to push Orion Pax until he fell over.

Yet as the other mech spoke, there was a wistfulness to his tone, and a look of shame that crossed his face as if he was truly sorry. Still, Dee had heard Orion Pax was good at pretend…

“And… they’re great.” Orion Pax’s voice was soft, his digits tapping at the datapad he still held onto. He couldn’t meet Dee’s gaze, and somehow that was enough to convince him that the other mech was being genuine. “I mean, they’re useless, I can’t get any actual good information but… most mechs here, they’re all talk… full of sad unfulfilled dreams.”

“If you’re here to insult me—”

“Not you.” He felt the datapad in his hold shift as the edge of it bumped against Orion Pax’s. “I mean, it’s still pathetic that you settled for promotions until they give you the chance to explore the universe but… it counts more than what everyone else is doing.”

“It’s not pathetic.” Dee’s voice was weak even as he defended himself. “It’s the only way I can achieve my dream. You talk a lot, but do you even have one?”

“Tch, yeah!” Orion Pax gestured to the rest of the miner’s quarters. Even though there were other miners that crowded the cramped space, it almost felt as if they were the only two in the room who mattered. “I want to be more than just this. I don’t like your method, but I like that you’re trying. That counts a lot since everyone else is resigned to die in the dark. But we refuse.”

“I’m not like you.” Dee tried to shake his helm. 

He’d heard of the rumors, and he was nothing like Orion Pax.

Impulsive. A dreamer. A risk taker.

Free.

While there was wariness towards the other mech, deep inside…

There was also envy.

“Yeah, you’re not.” Pax let out a snicker, and this time, he shoved the datapad he was holding into Dee’s servos. “But you could be.”

He glanced down at the datapad the other mech had brought, optics widening as he realized it contained information about planets and cultures beyond Cybertron - the planets he’d always dreamed of visiting.

“Maybe I lied and I do want something from you. Nothing too serious, just…” The other mech hesitated, as if he was baring his own spark. “Your friendship.”

There was a tense silence.

Dee… didn’t make friends.

Most cogless miners never did.

Most relationships were thinly veiled transactions, a method of survival.

He glanced down at the datapad.

“A friend… you’d be the first, Orion Pax.”

“Pax.”

“What?”

The other mech let out a small vent, an almost happy sound. “You can call me Pax.”

“Okay… Pax.”

Dee nearly wanted to laugh, unable to contain himself.

A friend…

That didn’t sound too bad.

Even if it was a terrible trick, it couldn’t be any worse than what he’d already dealt with.

“Then… you can call me Dee.”

Pax’s gold optics shone, eclipsing the light of the stars that Dee was so fond of. 

“I will. That’s a promise, Dee.”