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Robo-Fortune’s Replacements
Robo-Fortune, in all her metal cat girl glory, stood and stared at this…thing. Everything from the bright red alarm light on its head down to its pointy metal shoes. There were gears turning literally and figuratively in her head as she looked it over once, then again. And again. This piece of junk was certainly something.
Using the nearby forest wasn’t necessarily Brain Drain’s favorite idea. Normally the confines of Lab 0 were enough, but a field test is always a perfect way to gauge how effective a creation is at performing rudimentary tasks like intel gathering and wanton acts of mass destruction.
Standing in front of them was a brand new, pint-sized miniature robotic version of Valentine. Her nurse garb was made of sheet metal, and her eyes were golden yellow. They were shaped and colored much like Robo-Fortune’s. The robot had a sharp, angular design with points jutting out from practically every part, including her shoulder pads and on the tips of her built-in shoes.
Truly spectacular work if Brain Drain were to ask himself.
Now, this set-up was definitely unorthodox for him. Truth be told, sitting in a lab all day wasn’t necessarily something Brain Drain was opposed to, but with enough nagging from a certain ninja nurse colleague of his, the whining of some of his other creations and the innate boredom that comes with staying in one place for so long he decided that now was as good a time as ever to step out and do some work outside for a change. It was his decision after all, and he was always right.
And right now, he decided that it would’ve been better to stay back in his quiet, comfortable laboratory.
Especially now given the cackling of one of his other creations. The girl with the green hair, Fukua, held her stomach and rolled back and forth on the ground, pointing and jeering at his newest work hysterically. Even the fake Parasite Shamone on her head was making crass symbols and pointing at it using Fukua’s hair. Brain Drain’s eyes narrowed. There wasn’t anything funny about this. This was SCIENCE!
Robo-Fortune continued to stare silently despite the cacophony. It was strange. Robo-Fortune usually had something to say, something idiotic, but why the intense quiet now? Was she finally recognizing his genius and giving him the respect he deserved? Too astounded by the newest invention on display? Well, past experiences point to a more likely malfunction, but Brain Drain wasn’t complaining.
“You’ve made your disapproval quite clear, Fukua,” Brain Drain mused, glaring down at her.
“Oh no, this is great. It looks JUST like her,” Fukua said, “Look! She’s even got a permanent scowl. That’s exactly like Valentine. Man, you just CAN’T get enough of making copies?”
“It’s a minion,” Brain Drain explained, hovering around the robot, “Intended for back-up and general reconnaissance. It holds enough Theonite to be self-sufficient for weeks at peak energy efficiency and is capable of handling itself in minor combat scenarios.”
Brain Drain retrieved a small remote from his coat pocket and pressed a button. The Valentine-shaped drone lit up. Robo-Valentine leapt into the air, then fired flame jets from the soles of her shoes. In less than a minute, the robot spun and dashed in the air around the woods, effortlessly circling the trees and gliding above the brush before landing back where it was standing moments ago.
Fukua smirked. “All that and you couldn’t get the height right.”
“They’re meant to be mass produced robotic clones that assist with enough fighting capability to stop any usual threats to me. No more, no less. These aren’t cheap to produce, but their diminutive heights ensure that they are cheaper than my previous experiments. As well as being vast improvements.”
Fukua’s smile disappeared. “So what are we, yesterday’s trash?”
“I consider you two prototypes at best the way you’ve been behaving recently.” Brain Drain marveled at the new robot like it was a new car, bowing down to marvel in its craftsmanship and circling it. “While these don’t have the same autonomy you and Robo-Fortune do, I consider that an upgrade considering you.”
Fukua spit on the ground. “Oh yeah? It’s not my fault you don’t let me do anything. Practically replacing jackshit with this since you barely let me do anything to begin with.”
“I could always dispose of you if that’s what you really want,” Brain Drain hummed.
Fukua rolled her eyes. “Whatever. You won’t.”
“No really, I could save you and I both the trouble and trash you whenever I wish.”
Robo-Valentine’s glowing red light on the top of her head burst open revealing a miniature trash can.
“Oh good! The installed features’ voice commands work. Although I may have to adjust them to be more context sensitive. “ Brain Drain snapped his fingers and the trash can retracted back inside Robo-Valentine’s head. “Your replacements do have the added bonus of actually listening to me, a rarity around here it seems.”
Fukua sat on a nearby rock. She glanced at her nails, casually summoning a green clone of herself to sit up against her back and pretend to file its own nails. “I dunno, the last time you went around showing off the last robot you made someone wasn’t happy that you did.”
Brain Drain tapped his metal chin. True, Valentine wasn’t exactly thrilled to find out that Robo-Fortune was made in the first place. Doubly true was the fact that he had instructed Robo-Fortune to hunt her down once upon a time. All prospects pointed to her betraying them all, but things worked out. Of course, that was all irrelevant. Because ultimately:
“I don’t care what Valentine thinks.” Brain Drain nodded proudly to himself.
Fukua, Shamone, and Fukua’s shadow clone all gave him a half-lidded look as if to say “uh-huh, sure”.
“She SHOULD’VE slashed that tin can cat into ribbons,” Shamone piped up from Fukua’s head.
Fukua shrugged her shoulders with a small smile. Brain Drain ignored them.
“My genius proves itself each day. Once these are complete, I won’t have to settle for any of you failing me ever again. And YOU.” Brain Drain pointed at Robo-Fortune who was still motionless and practically staring holes into Robo-Valentine. “Especially won’t.”
As if snapped out of a trance, Robo-Fortune glanced innocently at Brain Drain. Her eyes focused on the finger pointed at her, eyeing it like some sort of alien instrument. She turned back to Robo-Valentine and crouched down to meet it at eye level. Robo-Valentine met her glossy robotic stare with her own.
For a while, it was as though they were sitting together having a silent chat. It was quaint, disguising the boiling disdain slowly bubbling underneath Robo-Fortune’s exterior. Brain Drain scrutinized his creations while Fukua boredly watched from the rock she was perched on, yawning.
“Of course the older model would feel threatened by the newest, it’s only natural.” Brain Drain thought as he watched them peacefully.
The peace was broken as Robo-Fortune’s eyes glowed pink and she blasted a laser straight into Robo-Valentine’s face, blasting her across the woods. The miniature robot slammed into a nearby tree and came apart almost instantaneously. Bolts, limbs and other pieces rained down onto the forest floor. Brain Drain’s red eyes widened in shock and horror. Fukua stared in awe, her shadow clone disappearing with some light applause.
“What have you DONE?”
Robo-Fortune stood back up, turned around, and shook her head. “By my standards, this replacement unit is inferior. I do not recommend updating your hardware or software at this time. Or ever.”
Brain Drain was in awe of this rebellious stupidity. “You idiot! Who told you this was okay? I have half-a-mind to scrap you right now!”
“You won’t,” Robo-Fortune replied as Brain Drain nearly had an aneurysm, “In the event you need more Theonite or in a Skullgirl emergency, my abilities will be necessary. By my diagnostics, this creation’s functions are redundant and a testament to my creator’s motives to overachieve to spite others.”
Brain Drain crossed his arms as if he was actually calm. “And I don’t intend to stop now.”
“Yeah, I’m with Robo on this one,” Fukua chimed in, hopping off the rock and dusting herself off, “You already have two incredibly badass daughters. And Painwheel. Y’know, if you ever bothered to BRING ME anywhere maybe you wouldn’t need to make dumb toys that suck and die easily.”
Ugh. It could always get worse, of course. Of course it would! This is so TYPICAL.
Brain Drain’s hand sparked, shooting red electrical bolts off into the grass. Telekinetically, the remains of Robo-Valentine flew effortlessly to his side, albeit in a crumpled-up heap. Wires connecting her stubby legs and arms were exposed. “It doesn’t matter what complaints you have! They’re meant for me! Made explicitly under the assumption that if either of you fail to protect me, which-“
He gestured to the two of them, disgust evident from the frown on his face.
“Is clearly more of a statistical guarantee, they can serve my will without mouthing off or delivering some horrible cat-related joke!”
“Both of Fukua’s tendencies are troubling,” Robo-Fortune agreed with a nod. “It is entirely PAWSible that the possibility of her making cat puns is high. Commencing jeering protocol.”
Fukua slammed Robo-Fortune’s gut with her elbow. While not having any real organs, Robo-Fortune flinched and yowled at the sneak attack as part of her pain programming. Robo retaliated by popping her right hand off from her arm and brandishing a knife from the hole, then proceeded to stab Fukua in the face.
“Hey! No headshots!” Fukua complained as blood started to drip down her forehead.
“Are you referring to this?” Robo-Fortune asked as her head came off and exploded in her face. A new one popped out of her chest to replace it, which stuck out its tongue to mock her.
The blast rattled Fukua, pushing her back. Her shoes tore through the grass from the knockback. Gritting her teeth, Fukua launched herself back at Robo-Fortune, her green hair forming into a monstrous jaw over her leg. She landed a jumping kick square on her robotic rival’s newly formed head with her hair’s jaw clamping down on Robo-Fortune’s abdomen.
“This damage is insufficient!” Robo-Fortune mocked her, forming one of her hands into a cannon and taking aim.
“Keep talking! Keep talking and I’ll rip your arms off and bash every single one of your heads in with them!” Fukua screamed back at her with a fist ready to punch down.
Having had enough of his failed experiments, Brain Drain lifted the body of Robo-Valentine from the base of the tree and unceremoniously chucked it at the two of them.
“AAAAGH!” Fukua and Robo-Fortune yelled as Robo-Valentine’s entire body smacked into them, dragging them both to the forest floor.
The brain-in-a-jar pinched the bridge of where an organic nose might be and shut his eyes. This field test was nearly a complete bust. Brain Drain made a mental note to be less charitable and drop these two off with Valentine next time. He’d take the risk of her stealing them for one of her own schemes or her complaints over whatever the hell these two had going on.
Despite his annoyance, something about bludgeoning his two stupid creations with his newest one gave Brain Drain inspiration. If he had to admit something to himself, these were cheap. He already had storage rooms full of spare units and spare parts for these things. As much as he hated relying on Robo-Fortune and as much as he hated agreeing with Fukua, ultimately these were probably not the battle-ready replacements he envisioned.
With a few adjustments, some new directives, an upgrade here and there and several explosive materials… Maybe he could find another use for these miniature robot lookalikes. Ones that hopefully wouldn’t give him as many migraines…
“Fine. Robo-Valentine clearly isn’t ready. We’re returning to the lab.” Brain Drain pointed at the robot body currently on top of the girls. “Pick that up and carry it home, Fukua.”
Fukua pushed Robo-Valentine off indignantly. “Why me! Huh?”
Brain Drain hovered away with his arms behind his back without giving her so much as a glance. “Experiments that don’t want to be disposed of get the privilege of throwing away the ones that don’t make it.”
“Ugh!” Fukua pouted and gestured to her right. “At least give it to Robo. She’s the youngest.”
“Beep boop meow! Unconfirmed information detected.” Robo-Fortune said, pushing Fukua to the side and standing up straight. “You heard our creator. Pick up the trash and deposit it in the proper receptacle.”
“Robo-Fortune has already proven her worth. Maybe in due time I’ll find a way for you to prove yours.” Brain Drain cleared his throat. “Return to the lab with Robo-Valentine mostly intact. Think of it as your first test.”
Robo-Fortune skipped ahead merrily, humming a chiptune to herself. After growling in irritation, Fukua grabbed Robo-Valentine by the hand and started dragging her across the ground, grumbling to herself. Ahead of her, Robo-Fortune’s artificial metal heart felt full knowing that she was still the ultimate robotic doppelganger Brain Drain managed to create. Truly, there was no improving on the metal perfection that was Robo-Fortune.