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“Wait, why’s Johnny got two mums? That’s a mum line”
“Hey, man it happens. Rufus has got two mums.”
“Three technically, there was that first lady.” Wylde added
“No, they’re my aunties”
“Oh, right, sorry. Here, I’ll change their lines.”
Rufus nodded approvingly as Frodo made some slight changes to his drawing. Rhys leaned over and pointed at something else
“Uncle Matt’s kind of my dad too, but he and mum divorced before she died.”
“He was married to auntie Maya too, does that make Rhys a cousin?”
Wylde made a sound of objection and set his drink down. "No, no, he’s Uncle Bobby’s, that makes him a sibling, he can’t be a cousin too. ”
“Ah, no you can, it’s easy, see I thought I was a cousin, but then Ptyir brought the tests and uncle Bobby’s my dad. But dad, that’s Thomas, is my dad. And there’s the other dad, but I didn't know him as much.”
Errol handed Frodo another stack of napkins and quietly queried “You still send him Christmas cards though right?.”
“Well yeah, it’s Christmas and he’s still kind of a dad. A two-years dad. That counts.”
“I always thought you were like a brother, Frodes. Like, before and all.”
“Aw. you too Rhys.”
Johnny leaned back in his chair, lazily letting the front legs raise slightly from the floor “Todd, I’ve got the two mums because Nile and mum were an item, mum just had me with dad.”
“She’s trans like me and Wylde.” Ladybird helpfully chimed in. Johnny looked at her reproachfully.
“Hey, not so loud, she's cloistered.”
“Closeted.”
“No, she doesn’t wear ladies clothes either, she’s scared to.”
Errol absently wrung a stray napkin in his hands
“I wish uncle Matt had been our dad. Uncle Bobby was kind of…”
He trailed off and Ladybird looked at him with a sad, lopsided smile, the responsive side pulling up perhaps a bit hard in compensation. “Yeah, but he’s happy with Micah now. It wouldn't have been right for mum to have got at him.”
Rhys nodded and added “He was like, always really nice and that but kinda. Sad a lot of the time, but like more than sad, you know?” He turned back to Frodo “Are you going to draw ex-aunt Holly and her daughter?”
“I mean I will if you want, but she was kind of mean. I’m going to draw Aunt Madaline though.”
Todd looked confused
“You’ve talked about her before, isn’t she Matt's ex-wife too?”
“They only divorced, but she didn’t start any fires. You can’t just go doing that.” Rufus, explained.
Errol shuddered and stirred his “Ka-RAY-tea: in-house brewed Kambucha”. It wasn’t very good, but was half price since the recipe was still experimental. “I think mum did that once, so Uncle Les would move back in.”
“Hey, they couldn’t prove she did that.”
Ladybird scoffed. “Johnny, she 400% did that.”
Wylde let out a bark of laughter “That’s not a number.”
Johnny looked at him blankly “Yes it is.”
Ladybird nodded “Yeah, it’s like. The fullest possible. There’s four twenty fives to make a one hundred, but a percent is smaller than a number so you need all of them more for a complete percent.”
Todd looked down at the table with deep concentration, took a deep breath, then interrupted the cousins’ spirited debate (which had, in truth, rapidly devolved into the three of them viciously trying to demonstrate their respective points with the small handfuls of pocket change they had to hand, none of which were suitable to aid the attempted calculations).
“So Bobby is the father of seven of you, Matt is gay but is Wylde’s dad, Darly lives out in Castletree with two families that have never met and you all together know half of but in different parts, and he’s Rufus’ dad, but Matt’s lesbian ex-wife and her now-wife adopted him because his mum was a vicar’s wife, Johnny has two mums not counting step-mums, and is the firstborn but Ptyir is the oldest, Janice was Rhys’ mother but also Wylde’s step-mum but she was murdered and never met him, Ladybird and Errol are full siblings and Les was kinda their dad, but also is nobody’s dad?
Johnny began excitedly to explain
“Yeah, see uncle Les had a bit of an accident,back when he and dad were working with some small zoos and”
“Smuggling.” Ladybird interjected. “They were smuggling. “
He continued, annoyed
“Providing transportation at budget rates”
Errol’s demeanor brightened
“Dad had one of those big vans he'd ripped most of the back seats out of”
Johnny knew he’d lost. “And uncle Les, well-”
Frodo’s turn now
“A pregnant iguana got loose when they ran a red light and it crawled up to the front and under his seat and bit his-”
“Ay! Trudy says we can’t have any more napkins and we’ve got to clear out; They need to set up for the “Swingin’ Single Senior’s” event.“
Les, wherever he was at the moment, was spared a bit of dignity by Marama’s return.
Ladybird tipsily greeted her partner, but Wylde looked suddenly concerned. “Where’s Ptyir? I thought he went to the bar with you.”
”Yeah he’s in the toilets. He’s the other reason she wants us out. Fenella’s in there trying to wrangle him so she can start cleaning.”
“Do you think she can-” Frodo began in a worried tone. Rufus cut him off.
“No. Come on.” Rufus took firm hold of Johnny and Rhy’s hands and headed towards the toilets to assist in Ptyir’s removal. Rhys stood and and placidly followed the lead, but Johnny, caught in surprise, was alarmingly brought forward in his chair on of a sudden and struggled a bit to fully catch his breath and right himself as he was inexorably pulled along, objecting as he went.
Todd finished the final swig of his drink and stood. “I uh, I guess I’d better go in too if he’s going to be. Since you and I. Well if we’re. You know.”
Frodo looked incredibly moved as he wobbled to his feet, clapping onto Todd’s proffered arm for support. “That is so sweet and brave of you, man.”
Frodo was barely on his feet when there was a loud crash followed by Johnny booking it out from the toilets, pausing only to start to usher Errol and Wylde towards the exit.
“We got him moving, but we, uh, we need to leave. Now. “
Rhys and Rufus emerged, supporting Ptyir (mostly Rufus, though Rhys was trying valiantly). Errol craned to look back over Johnny’s shoulder.
“He seems ok.”
“He is, now, but I think Fenella’s maybe going to kill us.”
A voice brimming with wrath echoed from behind the doors just as surprising amount of water seeping out under the door and across the floor
“FUCK! It’s on the CEILING too?!?”
Wydle instinctively ducked a bit whispering “Oh, that’s not a maybe…”
“We’ve got to g-”
“Yeah we’ll stop and get Maddie outside, but Errol we’ve got to go!”
Rhys lost his nerve and his footing as a string of explosive swears filled the air, trying to move too fast and slipping on the water. Rufus held Ptyir firm and all watched as he was sent skidding forward crashing headlong into the table and scattering cups and the intricate layout of napkins all across the wet floor. Thankfully Trudy’d had the foresight to serve this particular party with the clunkier shatterproof cups. Sure, they weren’t exactly “aspirational”, but this was undeniably a case of form over function.
Frodo and Ladybird knelt to attend to Rhys as the other Oades’ made their escape. “You’re paying her back in the morning, you hear me Johnny?”
Johnny’s half-wave to Marama wasn’t exactly much of a contract, but it would have to suffice for the moment given the state of evacuation. Frodo emptied the icy slush remains of Rufus and Ladybird’s respective Moscow Mules into one of the many, many soggy stray napkins and pressed it to the goosegg that was rapidly forming on the side of Rhys’ head.
“You ok bro?”
Ladybird held up her hand
“Rhys, how many fingers?”
“Sorry, I, uh. I didn’t know there'd be a test and…” Rhys had sat himself up somewhat, but gave in and slumped onto Frodo’s shoulder, causing him to buckle hard into a sitting position with a splash.
“It’s alright man, you did your best. Half marks, full for effort, yeah?”
Ladybird closed her eyes and sighed deeply in resignation. “Right. I’ll settle up with Trudy and help Fenella with… Whatever the hell it is he did in there. You two up for a late-night A&E trip with him?”
“Yeah, that’s the way it goes. C’mon Hobbit-boy, van's out front, let’s load him up.”
“Thank you, I love you, Marama you’re a miracle worker, hand to god. I’ll meet you there once she’s done with me, ok?”
The four of them winced as there was yet another chorus of uniquely profane portmanteaus from within the flooding watercloset. Rhys clung tighter onto Frodo, who was clearly still processing the phrase “hobbit-boy”.
Marama crouched and gave Ladybird a kiss on the cheek “Call if she gets too murder-y. I’ll avenge you. Promise.”
Ladybird rose, wringing the water out of the bottom of her skirt, then paused to address Todd, who had been stood in shock watching the chaos unfold
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to finish; I know the family is a little… complicated, but, well, maybe we can try and map it out again another time. It’s honestly really lovely that you want to try and know about everyone, most people tap out after they meet more than three of us. Or just. Meet Johnny. Or Janice. Or mum… Or dad...”
Marama and Frodo set about steadying Rhys upright. He swayed and nearly pitched backward, but Todd stepped in just in time to steady him.
“Yeah, it's confusing and like. Also kind of really scary, with like. The murders and the arson and the smuggling and. Whatever Ptyir’s deal is, but also it's like. Worth it for, well…”
He glanced over at Frodo, who was struggling to continue to apply Rhys’ improvised ice pack and smiled slightly despite himself. “For everything else.”
Todd insisted on riding along to A&E with them and, as they left, listened intently to Frodo as he convolutedly explained how one of the nurses at the hospital was an ex third cousin through one of the family’s grandmothers and the long and tragic tale of why that meant it may end up being a several hours longer wait than could potentially be considered reasonable.
—
The “Swingin’ Single Senior’s dance ‘n drinks” event was, ultimately, canceled; Something about the nursing home’s bus driver being found in suspicious circumstances and the police. Ray hadn’t been able to hear the aide very well over whatever it was that was going on in the background.
Perhaps it had been for the best in the end; most everything was cleanable, but the wet floor signs, wobbly(er) table, and two closed-off stalls hardly promoted the jazzy good times he’d had in mind. That and it seemed that the posters for the event had been perhaps…. Misinterpreted.
He sent Ladybird and Fenella home after a while; Restitutions were paid, tables righted, drains unclogged, and so forth. Trudy headed out to an offsite gig booked months in advance, and he gave the floor a final good mopping before he went home for the night.
He paused when he found a soggy, scrunched up bit of marked-up napkin caught and overlooked under one of the table legs. He unfolded it and held it up to one of the lights, inspecting its detailing.
When Trudy came in to open that morning she found a page torn out from one of the order pads with a decomposing napkin stabled to it consisting of the following notes:
- New bathroom mural- Squid Octopus The Octopus & Otter (here there were a collection of presumably representative lines)
- Sip and paint aspirational arts and crafts. Artisanal wine house made Legal? Crafts and cocktails
- Wine and weaving looms rental? Fire code?
- Inkblot speed dating. Rorschach rumand coke Rorschach rumballs Rorschach.
- Famous Psychologist drink menu (this was struck out with the note “Dr. Plumber” next to it)
- Cryptogram Escape Room ← (this was circled multiple times with an arrow pointing to it)
Trudy scowled down at the paper muttering “The hell is this?”