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It's been a week since she woke up.
I'm lying here on my couch in the dark, the TV and aquarium throwing odd colored shadows everywhere. I have no idea what I'm watching -- some old movie on the Sci-Fi Channel, I think. I don't care, I'm not really paying attention. I'm just... lying here.
I've straightened up the place since that night. Put stuff back in the desk drawers, replaced things that got broken. But I can't rouse myself to do anything else. I've taken a leave of absence, but all I've done is lie here.
I should've done more. Should've warned her how dangerous it could be. Should've tried harder to find her. Should've killed that smoking son of a bitch when I had the chance. Should've... should've found a way to keep her safe.
Since I didn't do it before, I have to do it now. Keep her safe. Send her away, as far away from me as I can. She's got another week of medical leave before she comes back to work, then she has to requalify for field agent status. Surely I can think of something.
Skinner would transfer her out if I asked, but I don't think he can. I know he's involved somehow with Cancer Man -- I don't know if he takes orders from him, but there's something going on there.
Hell, they've gotten what they wanted -- they got the X-files closed, they broke me by taking her... If they want to shut me down, get rid of me...
Maybe that's the answer. Instead of taking her out of the equation, maybe I should take myself out...
Take myself out.
Jesus. I haven't thought about that in years. Since Phoebe.
But that would fix everything, wouldn't it? Scully would be safe, they wouldn't be able to use her to get to me anymore. She could still salvage her career, could make something of herself instead of being stuck in the basement with Spooky Mulder. She could have a real life...
I'd have to leave her a note. Tell her why I did it. Make sure she doesn't do something stupid, like go after Cancer Man... She'd never do that, though, I'm certain of that. Scully has too much integrity to do that. She's not like me.
I could do it. It wouldn't be all that difficult. Gun to the temple, or the roof of the mouth maybe...
I'm jolted out of this by a knock at the door. I glance at the clock on the VCR -- 11:32.
I look through the peephole -- what the hell?
"Mrs. Scully?"
She stands there in the hall, looking uncertain, a little uncomfortable. "Fox. I'm sorry I didn't call first, but..."
"No, it's okay. Come on in."
I escort her inside, flipping on a light and turning off the TV. "Can I get you anything? Coffee, tea, water...?"
"No, thank you, I'm fine." She settles on the couch and looks around the place, a faint frown on her lips. She looks like my mom would look if she ever saw my apartment. I take the chair across from her and wait.
It takes her a moment to collect herself, but then she pins me with those Scully eyes. "You haven't been to see her since that first day."
Damn. I can't look at her, but I can't look away.
"Why not, Fox?"
"I, um... I figured she'd rather spend time with you and her sister." It's a lame excuse, and we both know it.
"She wants to see you." I shake my head, glance at the phone. She sees it. "You know her better than that. She'll never admit that she needs anybody. That she needs you." Scully needs me? That's just not possible. But her mother presses on. "I believe, Fox, that she came back for you. If you hadn't been with her that night... we would've lost her."
I can't listen to this, not now, not with what I was thinking about before. I get up, running a hand through my hair, pacing aimlessly around the room. "Mrs. Scully, I can't..."
She's followed me, and she stills me with her hand on my arm. I stop, look into her eyes. So much like Scully's. I see where she gets her strength.
"She's being released on Sunday." It's very late Friday night now. "You could go see her tomorrow."
I shake my head, close my eyes against her penetrating gaze. "I can't... She doesn't need me, she can't..."
She squeezes my hand and I open my eyes again. "Go see her, Fox."
And she's gone. Leaving me alone, to figure out what to do.
My palms are sweaty.
I wipe them on my jeans, but it doesn't help. I'm nervous as hell.
I double-check at the admitting desk to make sure they haven't moved her to a different room. I walk past the gift shop on the way to the elevator. Should I take her some flowers? I brought another video, so I wouldn't go to her empty-handed, but maybe...
I shake my head and get in the elevator. Flowers from me would be wrong somehow.
I pause outside her door and watch her through the window for a moment. She's reading, her glasses perched on her nose. After a bit, she lowers her book and takes off her glasses, then looks out the window opposite where I am.
God, she... has she always been this beautiful?
Her expression changes a little, then she turns toward me. Seeing me through the glass.
And she smiles.
How could I have ever thought about leaving this woman?
As I walk through the door she holds out her hand to me. I take it and sit gingerly on the edge of her bed. "About time you showed up."
"Yeah, well... you know how it is." Any glib answer I was going to toss her way has fled my brain.
"Skinner told me you took a leave of absence."
Damn. She knows I've been home for a week. "I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life."
Her eyebrow arches. I can't stop the grin that comes over me -- I've missed that so much. "I thought that was all settled. Your search for your sister... for the truth?"
I shrug, give my head a little shake. "That doesn't seem all that important anymore." I squeeze her hand, hoping to convey what I mean. That she's what's important to me now.
I think she gets it, because she squeezes back, runs her thumb over my knuckles. Then her expression turns serious. "Mulder, I... it is important. It has to be. I want... I want to know what happened to me. I need to know. I need you to help me find out."
Oh my God. I never... Of course she would want to know. She's a scientist, she needs to know the facts, to examine the evidence.
"Yes, Scully... yes, whatever you need. I'm here." She gives me another smile, and my heart feels lighter. I feel like I have a purpose now -- to protect her by finding the truth. For her.
She glances at the bag in my hand and raises that eyebrow again. "What's in the bag?"
"I figured you'd be sick of 'Superstars of the Super Bowls' by now, so..." I pull out the video and hand it to her.
"'Magic Moments From the World Series.' What's next? 'NBA All-Stars'?" But she's smiling, like she did that first day.
"Yeah, it's a series. 'Fox Mulder's Guide to Professional Sports.'"
She laughs at that. It's an incredibly lame joke, but she laughs. I didn't realize how much I missed that sound. I reach out and tuck her hair behind her ear, let my touch linger on her cheek for the briefest of moments.
"I should go. Let you get some rest."
She shakes her head, doesn't let go of the hand she's been holding since I walked in. "I'm sick of resting. Stay for awhile, okay?"
I nod, and we sit there together, looking at each other. After a minute there's just too much silence. "So. How 'bout those Knicks?"
"I don't know, I haven't gotten the basketball video yet." She fingers the gold cross at her throat, and my smile fades a little. I don't think she notices. "I go home tomorrow."
"Yeah, your mom told me." She looks at me, questioning. "She came to see me last night."
"Oh, Mulder, I'm sorry..."
"No, it's okay. She just gave me a good, swift kick in the ass."
"She's good at that." She squeezes my hand again. "Mom told me... she said you were a great comfort to her."
"No," I shake my head. "She was the one, Scully, she... she held me together."
"I'm just glad you both had someone to lean on. And I wanted to say thank you." She holds my gaze for a moment, and I can see that she means it. She's grateful I was there for her mother. Where else would I be?
"You staying with her for awhile?"
She shakes her head firmly. "No. I'm going home. To my home."
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Scully? I mean, the place has been cleaned up, glass replaced, and your phone... but still..."
"Mulder, I have to know that I'm... that I'm okay there. You understand, don't you?"
I give her a gentle smile and caress her hand. "Yeah. I understand."
"Then can you help me explain it to my mother?"
I have to laugh. A joke is the last thing I expect from her right now, but I should've known. She's resilient, my Scully.
"I'm coming back to work soon. A week from Monday."
"That's awfully quick, Scully."
"Mulder, I need to. I'm done with physical therapy -- now I have to get back in shape, requalify with my weapon..." She looks a little shy all of a sudden, chewing on her lower lip. "Will you help me? Work out with me, go to the firing range?"
That smile. How could I refuse her anything? "Absolutely."
We sit together a while longer, just being together after so long apart. Finally her eyelids begin to drift shut -- I take that as my cue.
"I'm gonna go, let you enjoy your last lazy day." This time she nods, and I get up. She hasn't let go of my hand. "You'll be okay at home tomorrow?" She nods again, gives my hand a little squeeze and lets it go. "Okay. I'll call you."
I turn to go, but her voice brings me back.
"Mulder? Would you want to come over tomorrow night? Maybe watch 'Magic Moments of the World Series'?"
I can't stop the smile that lights up my face. "I'd like that, Scully."
"Around seven?"
"I'll bring dinner."
"Good. A girl can only take so much hospital food."
I give her another laugh and open the door. "Don't tell me you've lost your taste for lime jello?" I'm rewarded with a laugh from her. "See you tomorrow night."
She nods, and I step out into the hall. I turn back and glance at her through the window again. She gives me another smile, and I go.
I make my way out of the hospital, finally feeling grounded again. Like I've found my anchor.
Scully needs me.
I knew there was a reason to live.
END