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Wooyoung swore he had memorized the schedule of everyone in their building through the noises that penetrated the thin walls of their apartment. Their upstairs neighbors who shower early in the morning and late at night, the neighbor opposite to them that seemed to leave their apartment to walk their dog every hour or two, and the next-door neighbor who always called someone in the late hours of the night. Wooyoung had basically internalized all the noises, almost expecting them as the day went by.
Wooyoung had spent a lot of time lying on their bed lately.
He didn't like it—it made him feel lazy, unmotivated. Then again, it wasn't entirely wrong to think of himself that way, it just hurt too much to acknowledge it most days. He felt awful for suddenly being like this, for being unable to actually do everything his mind told him he should be doing. The disconnect between his thoughts and actions ate away at him every day, yet it never seemed to unsettle him enough to actually kick him into action. It was frustrating in every way, yet he never told anyone, letting the thoughts consume him from the inside out.
Somehow, it had all led to this. In his pursuit of doing more, of being worth something, his brain seemed to have collapsed in on itself. Motivation turned into something closer to fear, and that same stress that used to push him to do more only seemed to drag him under this time, making him unable to do much other than lie in bed or on their couch if he found it in him to leave their room.
Through all of this, Wooyoung couldn't help but feel bad for his boyfriend above all else. Yunho—sweet, loving, and patient Yunho—hadn't commented on Wooyoung's sudden turn for the worse. He was every bit the caring boyfriend he had always been. He brought takeout home since he knew Wooyoung rarely felt like cooking lately, he always asked Wooyoung if he'd like to watch a movie even if he knew Wooyoung had been rejecting the offers for weeks now, and most importantly, he never once pushed.
Wooyoung didn't know if he was glad or not. He knew Yunho cared, he made sure to show it every day, but sometimes Wooyoung just wanted to let it all out. To tell someone about the ugly thoughts that popped up when there was no one around, to tell someone about how he felt like life passed by him with him never being able to catch up. Other days, he just wanted to act like everything was fine. If he ignored his feelings, they would just…cease to exist, right? It sounded ideal.
Either way, he felt like a mess.
He couldn't help the deep sigh that pushed past his lips then. He knew it was getting late again, which was almost comical given that he had only woken up a couple of hours ago, according to his calculations, anyway. His phone was lost somewhere among the blankets on their bed but he didn't bother looking for it, he had nothing interesting to tell anyone, nor did mindlessly scrolling sound appealing.
Nothing sounded appealing.
That thought seemed to trigger something in him. He hated crying, hated the way his tears would make his skin itch, hated the feeling of his nose being stuffed, hated the way his chest physically ached whenever he was unable to stop himself from getting lost in his feelings. Yet, he made no effort to wipe away the tears that began sliding down his cheeks, only being decent enough to cover his mouth as sobs threatened to take over his already shaking body.
Wooyoung had wanted to be so much more at this point in his life. He had created this idea that he should've been more at this stage back when he was younger, unable to rid himself of the guilt that came with not being able to fulfill something so important to himself. He knew he wasn't anything special, and at some point, his life had begun to feel like wasted potential. He had worked hard during his studies, yet he had only achieved the bare minimum of what he needed to do. He wasn't like his other classmates who had flashy internships that had opened the path to even flashier positions. He had studied hard, but that was all he had been capable of. Even then, his grades hadn't been something to call home about.
The end of his studies had only proven to be another heartbreak. He had gotten jobs in his field here and there, but nothing seemed to stick, no company seemed to need him for more than a couple of months at most and the constant job switching had made his curriculum look even worse to future companies. It was shameful to admit but he had stopped actively looking for a new job months ago, the idea of getting rejected again making his skin crawl in a way that made him want to disappear.
Yunho, who had managed to find a job that seemed like the right fit, had been supporting both of them whenever Wooyoung lost another position. It made Wooyoung feel sick—he had always dreamed that they would be one of those couples where they both contributed to their household. He had wished oh so badly that they would be one of those couples that could give themselves the luxury of living just comfortably enough to not have too many worries when it came to money. Instead, Yunho had been forced to take on longer hours to keep them as comfortable as possible, always claiming that it was never too much, even when the exhaustion seemed to seep into his bones.
Wooyoung wanted to scream whenever Yunho came home tired and still went ahead and did all the chores Wooyoung hadn't been able to motivate himself to do.
The feeling of tears dripping down to his neck was what finally pushed him to sit up, a hand instinctively pressing itself to his chest as he tried to quiet himself down. Realizing how truly useless he had become was a pain unlike anything else, he just wanted to be more. He wanted to be someone he was proud of, someone worthy of being next to someone as good as Yunho. He couldn't fathom the other man loving him if he continued down this apparent path of failure.
He rubbed at his face tiredly, groaning in annoyance as he brushed his hair back a little too harshly. It sounded laughable, but Wooyoung almost didn't feel worthy of his own sadness—how could he, when it was essentially his fault?
Stupid brain and stupid, stupid heart.
He jumped in surprise as a sudden ringtone rang out in the quiet of their room, his heartbeat speeding a little as he searched for the device. He knew who was calling, there was only one person designated as an emergency contact that could bypass the 'do not disturb' feature, after all. His lip trembled a little as he finally found the phone and flipped the screen towards him, being met with a picture of him and Yunho. He tried to will the tears away as he held the phone to his ear, realizing that he had let it ring for entirely too long now.
"Hello?" He winced at the sound of his own voice then, scratchy from lack of use and too nasal due to his previous crying.
"Wooyoungie," Yunho's voice was soft as always. "I'm going to be a little late today again, baby. Did you want anything from outside for dinner?"
That question was enough to break Wooyoung all over again.
His breath trembled. "I'm not—I'm not very hungry."
A pause.
"Is everything okay?"
Wooyoung couldn't think of a worse question in that moment.
"Yeah…yeah, I'm just—I'm just not hungry, Yunho—" The sniffle he let out was too loud for the quiet of their room. "Get something for yourself, okay?"
"Wooyoung…"
He felt horrendously selfish in that moment. How could he make Yunho worry so much? How could he continue to burden him so much whilst his boyfriend was already busy with providing for them?
The silence stretched for too long, and before Wooyoung found a new excuse to placate his boyfriend with, it was all too late to act like things were fine.
"Wooyoung, I'm coming home."
"What? No, you said—your job—"
"I'm coming home."
The line dropped along with Wooyoung's heart.
He gave up trying to keep his tears at bay at that moment, the self-loathing he had been carrying around pouring out of him all at once. Was there anything he could do without fucking up? What kind of boyfriend made his boyfriend worried enough to the point where he decided to come home early?
For once, Wooyoung hated the fact that Yunho's workplace was so close to their home. He had no time to even try and act like he hadn't been wasting away like every other day. He hadn't changed out of the same outfit he had on from the day before, his hair was tangled from brushing against their pillows so often, and the circles under his eyes spoke of both too much and not enough sleep at adequate hours.
Yunho would see right through him.
He ignored the part of him that almost welcomed the intervention, focusing on the ugly feeling that blossomed in his chest instead. Yunho never pushed, but he also wouldn't ignore the clear anguish on Wooyoung's face. The worst part of it all was that Wooyoung didn't even know how to begin explaining what he was going through. Nothing had pushed him over the edge, it had been something that had been slowly brewing under his skin, and he had failed to notice it until it was all too late.
The other issue was that Wooyoung didn't want solutions. It was stupid and probably just a little self-destructive in a sense, but he didn't want to be told about everything he could do to better his situation. He found a strange comfort in his sadness, almost as if it was the only thing that proved that he was actually struggling in some way. He wouldn't be this sad if there wasn't a real problem, right?
Or maybe he's just trying to convince himself so he won't feel more like a loser.
That option felt more and more viable by the second.
Unsurprisingly, Wooyoung's overthinking ended up with him doing nothing, still sniffling—rather pitifully, might he add—while he lay on their bed, waiting to hear the sound of their front door being pushed open. He almost wanted to think that Yunho had backed out of coming home early, the taller man already taking far longer than he usually would when coming home from work. Not that Wooyoung had counted how long it took Yunho to get home on past occasions, especially when the hole in his chest felt all-consuming. He was just…observant.
The rustling of bags caught Wooyoung's attention once the door did swing open, though he didn't move just yet. The footsteps that neared their bedroom were careful, as if not entirely sure on how to approach. It added to the ache in Wooyoung's heart, even if Yunho was unaware of what exactly was happening, he would never fail to keep Wooyoung in consideration. Because that was who he was. Patient and caring, no matter how much Wooyoung swore his feelings were over the top.
The worry reflected in Yunho's eyes as they landed on Wooyoung was genuine—his role as Wooyoung's boyfriend wasn't some kind of performance to him. It was something deeply ingrained into his being, a part of himself that he seemed to have crafted just for Wooyoung. He smiled carefully as he stepped into the room, holding off any question he might have for the sake of gauging his boyfriend's mood.
"I brought food."
Wooyoung could've sobbed right there and then. Yunho had taken a little longer to arrive because, in all his stubbornness, he had decided to get them food. It didn't matter that Wooyoung had said he wasn't hungry—Yunho would rather walk through hell than ever neglect Wooyoung, he had told Wooyoung so before. Wooyoung believed him every time.
"I'm not hungry."
Yunho remained undeterred as he moved to sit next to Wooyoung on the bed, gently pulling him up until he sat up. Wooyoung didn't argue, mainly because he was too tired to but also because he could never reject Yunho's touch. Yunho didn't say much as he took out one of the food containers out of the bag, opening it before searching for the chopsticks at the bottom of the bag. The way he picked up a piece of and placed it right in front of Wooyoung's lips clearly urged the other to take a bite, and again, Wooyoung obliged.
Some worry seemed to melt away from Yunho's expression the moment Wooyoung accepted the food, something that only made Wooyoung feel worse. Yunho didn't deserve the burden that Wooyoung had become. Yunho continued feeding Wooyoung silently until at least half of the takeout container was empty, watching as Wooyoung took his last bite before speaking.
"Woo, what's going on?"
The sharp intake of air from Wooyoung's side would've been concerning had it not been expected. What is going on? It was a question he couldn't fully answer himself, not without having to explain the feeling of failure he got after every stage of his life. He looked down for a second, trying to find the words to explain himself without sounding weak. Yunho knew all about his life—but Wooyoung had failed to explain how it all made him feel until he broke under the pressure of it all.
"I feel like I'm falling behind in my own life." The words were cautious, as if he were testing them out. "I—I feel like I should've been more, like I should be able to give us more, and I just, I feel so stuck."
Yunho sighed, though not condescendingly, never like that. "Is this about the whole job thing?"
"No—it's just, everything."
Despite trying to steel himself for this very conversation since earlier, Wooyoung couldn't help the way his voice cracked at the end of the sentence. He knew once he began speaking, he wouldn't be able to stop, but he was just so tired.
"I feel like I don't contribute anything to our life together—that I have no achievement to really call my own. It's so—it's so fucking hard to feel like any of the effort I put into things will pay off and it's hopeless—"
The tears ran down his cheeks almost as quickly as the words flew out of his mouth now, unable to stop even as the concern in Yunho's face grew. The food was quickly discarded as Yunho pulled himself onto their bed, quickly wrapping Wooyoung into an embrace that spoke of nothing but love and support.
"Wooyoung, you don't have to be more—you are enough."
Wooyoung shakes his head stubbornly, his words muffled against Yunho's shirt.
"I want to be more—I want to take some of the load off your shoulders, to make our lives easier. To stop being the bare minimum." His words were punctuated by little hiccups. "I just want to feel worthy."
Yunho didn't try to argue anymore, instead holding Wooyoung as the shaking slowly disappeared from his body and as his crying turned into quiet sniffles yet again. He drew small, gentle circles onto Wooyoung's back as his other arm held the other close to his body. Yunho had to admit that he had in fact been aware that something was off—it had been impossible to not notice how his once bright boyfriend seemed to have retreated into the shadows of his own worries.
He had to admit that he hadn't been sure on how to approach it all—sure, Wooyoung had his ups and downs before, just like any other person, but none had knocked him down quite as hard as this. In fear of breaching a topic that Wooyoung wasn't ready to confront, Yunho had done his best to support his boyfriend through actions and through respect, giving him whatever space he needed to reel himself back in. He couldn't say it had been the most efficient approach, but despite feeling his heart shattering at the sight of Wooyoung crying, he was glad he was finally letting him in.
After another handful of minutes, Yunho separated himself from Wooyoung ever so slightly, tilting his chin up carefully so he could look over his boyfriend's face. He could see the heartache etched into Wooyoung's features, yet he was still the most stunning person Yunho had ever had the fortune of laying his eyes upon. His touch was soft as he wiped the remaining tears away, leaning in to press a careful yet firm kiss to Wooyoung's forehead.
"I need you to listen to me for a second, alright?" He waited until he received a nod before continuing. "Wooyoung, I know I can't convince you right away, but please, please believe me when I say that you don't have to do more. I know you've been trying and it hasn't quite worked out, but that doesn't make you any less—you can't control any of what has happened."
Yunho's hand slid down in search of Wooyoung's own, squeezing it gently once he managed to get ahold of it.
"I will reassure you of this every day if you need me to, but I provide for both of us because I want to. I like taking care of you—I don't need things to be split evenly all the time, I know you will get back on your feet eventually. Having you by my side is all that matters to me, and if you'll let me, I'll do my best to help you find something sustainable."
Yunho could tell that Wooyoung was too choked up to properly answer, but the squeeze of his hand was enough for now. This wasn't an instant fix—they both knew it—but it was a step in the right direction. Yunho wouldn't let Wooyoung drown in his thoughts again, and Wooyoung knew that.
Yunho had always been there.
It took a little longer before Wooyoung managed to find his voice, closing his eyes for a second as he simply took in the comforting presence that his boyfriend had always represented.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I know I've been acting just…bleak, over nothing basically."
It was Yunho's turn to shake his head. "Don't. Don't apologize, I know this is important to you."
"But—"
"Wooyoung."
"Sorr—"
"Wooyoung."
Something about the argument proved to be silly enough to draw a sheepish smile out of Wooyoung then, an achievement Yunho was quite proud of in that moment. So much so that he couldn't help but pull Wooyoung into a sweet kiss, noting the way the other seemed to instantly melt into his hold. It was what he loved the most about having Wooyoung close like this—feeling the way his worries seemed to temporarily dissipate whenever they focused on each other and nothing else.
"I love you." Wooyoung breathed out, the words as fragile as if it were the first time he had dared to speak them.
Yunho smiled. "I love you more."
"I love you the most. No argument."
"Fine, you win. For now."
Yunho would always let Wooyoung win. Wooyoung knew that. Yunho would never change that.
Yunho shifted their position a little before reaching over to grab their discarded food, finally handing Wooyoung his own container and grabbing his own. Wooyoung remained attached to his boyfriend's side as they worked through their food, just enjoying the calm that came with basking in each other's presence.
"I've held off on watching that new action movie that came out, by the way. It's only fair you watch it with me now."
Wooyoung laughed, his first real laugh in what seemed like forever. "You know what? You're right."
A beat went by before Wooyoung remembered something.
"Hey, what about your work—you left your shift early today."
Yunho didn't seem too worried, taking another bite of his food before answering.
"Oh, that? Don't worry about it, I'll have plenty of time to get to it."
Wooyoung watched his boyfriend for a moment, trying to catch any sort of hint that the other was hiding something from him. All he got was a lazy smile and a small nudge to encourage him to focus on the food right in front of him again.
"Are you sure? I don't want to push you into working overtime some other day instead."
Yunho waved hid hand dismissively. "It'll be fine—we'll be fine."
And Wooyoung believed it.