Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My eyes shot open as I stared up at the tile ceiling. I recognized the dim light that shone from a small lightbulb fixated above me, but it took a second to register how I knew this place. For the first few seconds, all I could do was stare at that dusty ceiling, clenching the headset I had just ripped off my head tightly in my hands. I had no energy to move; like it had all been drained out of my body.

Finally after a moment I looked down. I was sitting on the gray carpet floor, beside a twin-sized bed. The blanket that lay on top of it-a blue, knitted one that seemed as though it was over twenty years old-reminded me of where I was... This was my apartment. The one I had been living in for five years now.

Simultaneously, I also recalled my name: Christine. It felt weird referring to myself as Christine again, a fact about me I struggled to recall upon entering the... UGH, THE CIRCUS!!

I threw the headset in my hands onto the floor as all the memories of that dreadful hell flooded back in. From the games to the gloinks to the guns, each detail of my time spent in The Amazing Digital Circus came back to me. I especially thought about everyone I had met there. Were they back in the real world as well? Did we all make it out like we had planned?

...And what happened to Jax?

I wasn't sure if I wanted to think about what happened in our last moments together or forget about them. Just before the darkness enveloped the digital void, he let go of my hand and promised me, "I'll find you." I wasn't sure if I believed him. How would he even go about finding me? He could be anywhere in the world and here I am, in this small, dingy apartment complex two short miles away from a small city.

But I hope he finds me. I'd give anything to see him again in this moment... anything to not be alone, confused, and even a bit scared of what the real world has in store for me after spending nearly a year in hell. As glad as I was to have escaped the Circus, there was still so much about reality that I surely didn't miss during my time there.

I slowly stood up. It felt weird to be back in my human body again, but I was able to regain balance and control relatively quickly. I took a few steps across the room and stood in front of a mirror. It felt strange to see my real body again: short dark brown hair, pale white skin, and bright blue eyes. I couldn't describe all the emotions I felt looking at myself again. My true self.

After contemplating-well, everything-for like ten straight minutes, I walked around my apartment. It felt both like a home and a foreign country, a place I was so familiar with but hadn't seen in so long. Everything was right where I had left it; a good sign because I was worried my landlord would've thought I was dead or something and rented the place out to someone else. I found a window, once which before I hadn't cared much for, and peeked outside. I saw the sun, the trees, and the sky again, and I couldn't help but shed a tear. The digital world deprived me of nature, and to be reunited with it was like a gift from heaven. I then rushed to stumble outside and take in some fresh air. Although I was still distraught and worried about everyone else I had met in the circus, experiencing this freedom for the first time in roughly a year was so liberating that I couldn't just brush it off in this moment. When I got outside and stepped on the grass, the first thought in my mind was, I wish Jax was here right now.

Chapter Text

Sleep in the real world is a huge improvement from trying to get any form of rest in the digital one, I must say.

I sat up after maybe an hour or two of sleep, unsure of whether to be happy or not. Obviously I miss Gangle, and maybe even Kinger, Pomni and Ragatha a little bit, but I mean... I'm not in that digital hellhole anymore! I surely don't miss my stupid toy-box avatar, the vibrant colors everywhere, having the name Zooble instead of Asher, or that f***ing AI a**hole that couldn't do anything right for s**t. Not having him around was simply beautiful, something I will never take for granted.

I was glad to be living in my own place again, and to be working back at the bar downtown. after only two days since escaping the Amazing Digital Circus, I felt like my life was already coming back together. Four years took a toll on me, sure, but I'd consider myself resilient enough. I got back up on my feet just fine.

I spent my third day existing again at the park in my town before my shift at the bar later that night. The park wasn't that big, but I was bored and figured, 'Well, since I haven't seen the f***ing sun in four years, I guess I should touch some grass.' I did a few slow laps around the place, but nothing worth mentioning occurred. Then afterwards I got hungry, so I drove around town until I noticed a McDonalds drive-thru with a short line. And since it's also been four years seen I've seen a goddamn McDonalds, I pulled into the line.

After I ordered my food and waited in line for about five minutes, I went up to the window to pay. On the other side of the glass was a petite woman with short black hair tied back in a ponytail. I couldn't say why, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw her. She was just... really, really pretty.

"$12.78," she announced how much I owed as I handed her my credit card. She didn't look at me until after she inputted my credit card information into the payment system in front of her. When she did, I couldn't help but notice her eyes light up a bit, but I couldn't tell you why it happened.

And it was weird too, because I kind of felt something as well, It's not like she's anyone I know or anything, but for a second I couldn't shake the feeling that I was reuniting with a long lost friend.

Those thoughts only had a second or so to resonate in my head before I cleared them away, taking back my credit card from the drive-thru cashier. She left to go get my food while I waited, staring at the window aimlessly. The thoughts flooded back in: Why do I feel like I know her? She's just some random fast food employee...

The woman came back with my food and handed it to me with a smile. I smiled back, thanking her.

"You're welcome, have a great day!" She said as she turned back to the cash register in front of her.

I drove off and parked my car in a large, relatively empty parking lot across the street. I started eating my food, trying not to overthink the interaction I just had with the McDonalds employee. Instead, I tried to enjoy real life again. Sure, I was slowly but surely reminding myself of the downside of life, such as the economy (seriously, why do I have to pay $12.78 for a burger and a medium soda?), but anything was better than losing my mind in the circus.

F*** the circus.

Well, except for my girlfriend, Gangle. She was like, the only thing keeping me sane and-

Holy s***, did Gangle make it out of there?

Chapter Text

The last couple of days have been pretty good. Especially with them being the first few days conscious again.

Last night, I called my mom. She was happy when I picked up, gushing about how she had been worried about me because I hadn't talked for nearly ten months. When she asked why I hadn't reached out, I lied and said I was busy at work and didn't have time. I then apologized to her and promised more frequent calls.

I couldn't tell her what was really going on, or where I really was. Nobody would ever understand that. Well, except for... no, I shouldn't think about him, I'll only stress myself out...

Thankfully, my mom didn't ask many further questions. She just promised me her support and then hung up the phone to feed her cats. After the call ended, I sat on the side of my bed for another twenty minutes. It was nice to hear my mom's voice again, but it wasn't as satisfying as I imagined it would be. I couldn't quite tell why. Shouldn't I be glad I'm finally back in the real world?

Now this morning, I searched on Indeed for a new job, since the supermarket obviously fired me for not showing up to work. Funny enough, I found their company on Indeed seeking another accountant, likely to replace me. I thought about sending my resume, but figured that would likely be awkward and decided against it. Instead, I applied to accounting jobs at other retail chains. According to the website, the companies would get back to me within a week or two, but I couldn't be sure. Just in case, I tried thinking of ways I could make money in the meantime, to pay for rent. I was glad I didn't lose my apartment because I pay rent annually, but I knew the deadline for next year was close and I didn't want to sacrifice anything from my savings to pay the fee.

While pacing around my apartment trying to come up with a solution, I tripped over a pale pink knitted sweatshirt that rested on the floor. I was able to catch myself on the nearby couch before I hit the ground, thankfully. Once I got myself standing up again, I picked up the sweatshirt from off the floor. It had a few stains on it that were barely noticeable, but otherwise it was in good condition. Staring at the sweater gave me an idea: I could sell some of my old stuff online for some quick cash, like clothes I don't wear anymore!

I dashed over to my bedroom closet, and opened the doors to reveal all of my clothes from the last couple years. The ones in the front were ones I wore more frequently, and they matched my current style. But I recalled that in the back of the closet, there was a good amount of stuff that no longer matched my style and that I hadn't worn in ages. After placing the pink sweater with my other good clothes, I combed through everything in the back of my closet. I sorted each item into two piles: one "keep" pile and one "sell" pile. By the time I was done, I only had a few items in the keep pile while the sell pile was practically overflowing. Not only would I make a fair amount of cash after selling these clothes, but my closet would be cleaner as well. Win-win!

Since all of the clothes were still in good condition, I was able to sell each item online. In total, I made around $125: not enough to cover rent, but a substantial help!

One more thing I wanted to do was clean out my fridge and pantry. After ten months, stuff goes bad. But I was in the circus for the least amount of time... I can only imagine how bad it must be for everyone else.

Assuming they all made it out, and that they're all alive.

Oh my goodness, I really hope they're all okay...

Pushing the thought aside, I got to work throwing out pounds of expired food. Only my non-perishables remained in the pantry cabinet when I was done. It was sad to have to throw out all of this stuff I very much intended to eat, like the fruit, frozen meat, and the leftovers I planned on eating the next day, assuming that I would've been able to remove the headset from my face.

I tossed the headset out the window, by the way. It landed on the sidewalk boarding my apartment building, obliterating into pieces on impact. Thank goodness there were no cars or pedestrians in the area when I did that.

Chapter Text

If you asked why, I wouldn't be able to fully explain it to you, but... I started going through that same McDonalds drive-thru every day before work. I half-blame it on the fact that, although I hate to admit it, I missed the taste of a big mac burger. I don't know what they put in them, but it is f***ing delicious, I can tell you that. Especially after not having any real food in years, I will never take the beauty of McDonalds' meals for granted ever again.

And I also hate to admit this part, but there's something about that drive-thru employee that's driving me crazy. She always seems to be working when I show up. By my fourth run, she told me, "I'm starting to recognize you when you come in."

"Oh yeah?" I replied.

"It's your bright pink hair and all your piercings. There's not many people with that combo... not many with either, actually."

I chuckled at that. "Glad to make myself memorable. And I also know you'll be here every time I come at this hour, too, since it's happened for the last four times."

"Yup," she nodded, "I have this shift every day! It's quite tedious, actually."

"That sucks."

She handed me my food through the window.

"By the way," I asked, "What's your name? Just curious."

"Oh, it's Fae," she replied with a smile.

Such a pretty name.

"How about yours?" She

That was the end of that conversation, because then another car pulled up behind me and I had to leave. But it began a pattern, and now every time I pull up to the window, we chat about our days briefly. It's been going on for two-ish weeks now, and I'm not going to lie... I see Gangle in her. I mean, I know the odds of it actually being her are astronomical, I think it's just more so because I'm thinking of Gangle all the time now. Is she even alive? Will I ever see her again? Does she think of me?

And also, I think I might like Fae. Probably because she's similar to Gangle, although I may not have know Gangle in the real world I can still connect the dots to an extent. But everytime I see Fae that way, it only remains a nice thought until I think of Gangle. It's like I'm betraying her. I mean, we never broke up exactly... would that technically mean we're still dating? Even if we never see each other again? Would I even want to have another partner? Gangle was just so perfect, and I don't know if I could picture myself with anyone else. Not even Fae.

Thinking about it all makes my head hurt. I don't even know why I'm getting closer to Fae then, if I know that in the end I'm gonna have to make the choice between her and a person I may never really know. I think it's just the way she reminds me of her. She's very close to how I pictured human Gangle to be, from appearance to personality. But it can't be her... she's too, like, adjusted to society. She updates me on the news all the time, and she's so in-the-loop on things. If she had just come back from the circus, I can't imagine that'd be the case, because I know I'm still all over the place.

But regardless, maybe I should just shoot my shot with Fae. Just to try it out. And if things go sideways or whatever, I can just opt out of the relationship. Fae deserves to know how I feel, and... to be honest, I just want to be with someone again.

I'd kill for it to be Gangle, though. I still love her more than anything, and our memories together are the only ones I choose to think of from the circus... The way she'd laugh, that adorable smile, and how her ribbons tugged on my torso when we hugged (Or at least tried to... our avatars weren't exactly built for physical contact).

But maybe I just have to move on. Fae's still amazing. And if it weren't for having known Gangle, I'd make a move on her in a heartbeat.

This is just a really weird spot to be in. I can't stop thinking about it at night: I usually stare up at the ceiling as I lay in my bed going through this train of thought over and over, considering each component, until I finally fall asleep. That usually happens around two or three in the morning.