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“W-what?” Sunghoon stuttered, unsure from what he heard from the man’s mouth. His eyes never left Heeseung’s. Heeseung smiled gently, carefully placing his hands on Sunghoon’s cheeks, “I said, I love you, Sunghoon.” The younger one pushed Heeseung’s hand and stepped back to breathe because he’s getting intoxicated with Heeseung’s scent. He felt dizzy. It felt like it’s a dream because what do you mean his best friend since they were a child just confessed to him?
“No, you don’t.” Sunghoon tried to convince Heeseung–and himself– that he’s just confused. Heeseung chuckled and that annoys Sunghoon because how can he laugh at this situation. A life or death situation where Sunghoon can lose the most important person in his life. “Sunghoon, I know my feelings more than you do. It’s MY feelings. I am sure that my heart wants and loves you. I know it’s so sudden, I got scared, but I’m not a coward anymore.” Sunghoon frowned, his heart was beating so fast, his palms wet and trembling.
“Got scared of what, hyung?”
“Jay, you were so desperate when you asked me for advice. You never did that before you know? So, I thought you were really serious about him.”
“I am serious about Jay. What are you talking about?” Sunghoon said, a hint of annoyance because he is serious about Jay. Sunghoon likes him.
“But we kissed, Hoon. We kissed and you have a boyfriend.” Heeseung wasn’t trying to make Sunghoon guilty, instead he wants him to realize and choose what his heart really wants. Heeseung was done being a coward, he’d do anything and everything to have Sunghoon by his side. Whatever it takes.
Sunghoon kept his mouth shut. The realization is hitting him. That he cheated on Jay. Tears started to pool on the corner of his eyes. He doesn’t know what to say to Heeseung. He felt ashamed and his mind was messing with him. “I’m sorry.” Sunghoon said, his voice was almost unheard. He didn't want Heeseung to see him in this state so he decided to walk away, but Heeseung quickly grabbed his wrist. Sunghoon stopped, but didn’t look back at the older. “Hee… let’s talk later at home. Let me go back to Jay.” Those words were enough for Heeseung to let go of Sunghoon.
Sunghoon walked slowly, taking his time because he doesn’t want Jay to see him like this—a mess. While Heeseung, on the other hand, followed him behind. Sunghoon wanted to disappear for a while. To process his thoughts and his heart. Everything was a mess for him. He met Jay not a long time ago. They clicked and Sunghoon liked being with him, they got along well and had a lot in common. So, when Jay confessed to him, he was taken aback, Sunghoon was overwhelmed. He liked Jay as a friend, that’s for sure. He just got excited when he received the confession from the man. It’s been years since someone professed their feelings for him, it was new for Sunghoon, again. So new that he doesn’t know how to respond so he asked the person he trusted the most, Heeseung. Heeseung was helpful, but at the same time messed with Sunghoon’s brain chemistry. Sunghoon hates to admit this, but he had a crush on Heeseung before. He thought his feelings were already buried deep in his heart. But after that night, at their apartment, the feelings he thought were gone came back like lightning. He doesn’t want to feel those anymore because he knows, Heeseung doesn’t feel the same way. Sunghoon decided for Heeseung’s feelings, he thought that Heeseung only sees him as a friend, a brother and it broke Sunghoon’s heart. Without any thought, he said yes to Jay, to somewhat ease his broken heart. He thought that Jay could be the one who can fill the spot on his heart, where Heeseung cannot.
Sunghoon was careless and he’s about to face the consequences of his actions.
Sunghoon didn’t look at Jay when he arrived at the table. The girl was still there and Jay was confused as to why Sunghoon was crying. Jay tried to get Sunghoon’s attention, but the younger man didn’t bother to respond. He placed everything on his bag and immediately walked towards the exit of the library. Jay looked at Heeseung and the older man just gestured to follow Sunghoon.
Jay put all his belongings in his bag and hurriedly exited the library, following Sunghoon. Jay can still see Sunghoon in the corridor, he quickened his pace to reach Sunghoon before he disappeared. As the distance between the two got nearer, Jay immediately grabbed Sunghoon’s hands, making the younger stop on his foot.
“Hey, Sunghoon. What’s wrong? Did you two get into a fight?” Jay is now facing Sunghoon and it hurts him to see the guy crying and him not knowing why.
“I don’t wanna tell you.” Sunghoon said, trying to escape from Jay. But Jay’s grip tightened.
“Why? I’m your boyfriend, Sunghoon. It hurts me to see you like this. Why are you crying? Did Heeseung say something? Did he hurt you?” Jay’s continuous questions just made Sunghoon feel worse. He feels like a ticking time bomb right now. Any moment he can explode. “And why are your lips so swollen, Sunghoon.” and that was it.
“I kissed Heeseung, Jay. We kissed at the library and I know that’s not a good idea because I have a boyfriend, but I fucking kissed my bestfriend. The feeling I thought I buried a long time ago just came back like I was hit by a truck. I don’t know, Jay. I know I’m the worst and I don’t understand my feelings anymore.” Sunghoon can’t look Jay in the eye, his gaze never left the floor. “I-I’m so sorry, Jay.” Sunghoon apologized.
Jay went silent for a second.Trying to understand what the man in front of him just said. Jay could hear Sunghoon’s soft sobs, the younger man never meeting his gaze. Jay held Sunghoon’s chin and lifted it. Their eyes meeting each other. Sunghoon’s eyes were shiny. His cheeks were puffy, and his lips… swollen and red. Jay was the one who looked away.
“I’m so sorry, Jay.” Sunghoon apologized again when he saw in Jay’s eyes that the man was hurt.
Jay knew. He just chose to shrug it off and convinced himself that the two just shared a bond. A bond he knew he’ll never share with Sunghoon. Jay instantly knew. How would he not know when Sunghoon only talks about Heeseung. When he met the younger, there’s no day where Sunghoon did not talk about his hyung. Heeseung this, Heeseung that. It’s normal to talk about your closest friend to others, but how did Sunghoon talk about Heeseung? There’s always a sparkle in his eyes and a smile on his mouth. And when he finally met the one and only, Heeseung. Jay just knew. The man’s gaze towards Sunghoon screams yearning.
Jay knew, but he wanted to try. He really likes Sunghoon, but the universe says otherwise.
“I won’t lie, Hoon. I am so hurt right now. But at least you finally realized your feelings this early in our relationship. Because if you didn’t and realized it halfway through this, I’d go crazy, Sunghoon.” Jay is such a good man and Sunghoon felt a hundred times shittier because he wants Jay to be angry at him. He wants him to be full of hatred and never want to see Sunghoon’s face ever again. Instead, Jay was still thankful that Sunghoon realized that it’s his best friend he wants and not Jay.
“You should be angry at me Jay, It felt like I just used you to conceal whatever I felt towards Heeseung.”
“I can’t, Sunghoon. You’re already having a hard time understanding your feelings and I don’t want to add to your burdens. The least I can do is to be here for you. Not a boyfriend, but as a friend.” Sunghoon looked up at Jay and started bursting into tears, again.
“You’re such a good man, Jay,” Sunghoon said and pulled Jay into a hug.
“I think we’re more compatible as friends.” Jay said, a big smile plastered on his face. Sunghoon smiled back at him and pulled him into another hug.
The two made up and stayed as friends. Sunghoon felt a lot better after talking to Jay. The man insisted on walking Sunghoon home, but the latter declined. He wanted to be alone and muster a lot of courage, like a LOT to face Heeseung.
Sunghoon stayed at the park near their apartment building. It was 10 in the evening and the man still had no plan of going home. Sunghoon wanted to take his time. To actually think about what he really wants and feels. He stared at the stars. It was beautiful. It reminds him of Heeseung’s eye. The man’s big, doe, reindeer-like eyes. When Sunghoon realized he was thinking about Heeseung, he covered his face and muttered, “I’m fucked.” and he really was.
It was when they were in 9th grade when Sunghoon realized that he likes Heeseung. They’ve known each other for like forever. Half of Sunghoon’s life, Heeseung was present and vice versa. A constant. They were each other's anchor, through ups and downs of their life. A support system, until the other one felt something that he shouldn’t be feeling. Heeseung is indeed a handsome man. A soft-spoken man that Sunghoon melts into. Everything about the man was so loveable, so Sunghoon did. How can he not when the man always prioritizes Sunghoon over anything. How can he not fall when Heeseung left his date because Sunghoon was stranded at the university library on a rainy night? How can he not fall when everytime Heeseung gets drunk, he always hugs Sunghoon, a hand on his waist and his face buried on the younger's neck? And Sunghoon thought that everything that Heeseung did was all platonic. So he just chose to bury his feelings which he successfully did, temporarily.
It’s almost 12 midnight and Sunghoon still doesn’t want to go home. He’s scared to face Heeseung and his feelings. Sunghoon grabbed his phone from his pocket, stared at it, trying to see if the older man sent him a message. None. Maybe he’s not home? Sunghoon thought with a slight ache from his heart. He was scared to face Heeseung, but he hoped that he was there at their apartment, waiting for him.
It was only a five minute walk from the park to their apartment. Every step made Sunghoon’s heart pound like crazy. Now that he was in front of their door, his heart beats like it’s coming out of his body. He stood there for five full minutes, thinking of what to say to Heeseung. But his mind was overpowered by the beating of his heart. He can’t think of anything, just Heeseung, Heeseung, Heeseung.
He has a key, but he chose to knock. No response. Another knock. No response and his heart sank. With a trembling hand, he inserted the key and slowly opened the door. No lights. Just pure silence. Sunghoon can only hear the faint sound of his heartbeat that was slowly breaking. “W-Where are you Heeseung?” Sunghoon’s voice was almost unheard. His voice was so close to crying. His voice that yearns for the man.
Sunghoon’s gaze went to Heeseung’s room. He quickly walks towards the room, hoping to see a man inside. He pressed his ears on the door, trying to eavesdrop. But silence. He twisted the knob and immediately swinged open the door. Still, no Heeseung. Sunghoon stared at the empty room. Tears pooling in the corner of his eyes. He sat on Heeseung’s bed. His eyes overflowed with tears. “Why are you not here, Heeseung? Did you not mean it w-when you said you love me?” Sunghoon covered his face. He was crying so hard because he thought Heeseung was just playing with him, with his feelings. “I l-love you. I really love you, Heeseung. Why do you keep on playing with my feelings?” Sunghoon was wiping his tears, but he kept crying, his heart was aching. Sunghoon was tired. A lot had happened today and he just wanted to lay on his bed and rest. Sunghoon exited Heeseung’s room and walked towards his room.
He opened it, and a man in a white shirt and gray jogging pants was sitting on his bed. Hair down and a little wet–he just got out of the bath. A switch on his hand. The man looked up. Startled to see Sunghoon who cried the fuck his heart out.
“What the fuck.” Sunghoon said, his tears stopped midway because what the fuck is Heeseung doing on his bed looking so comfy. “Hi!” Heeseung said, giving Sunghoon a wide smile. Sunghoon thought he was dreaming, because not a minute ago, he was crying like he lost Heeseung forever. Now, the man that caused him to cry to death was on his bed, holding his nintendo switch. Sunghoon was about to close the door and run away. But, Heeseung was too quick. He jumped out of bed and ran towards Sunghoon. He grabbed the man’s hand to stop him from running away. “No running away now, babe.” Heeseung said. A big smirk plastered across his face. Sunghoon sighed. Definitely no running away this time. He has to face Heeseung and address every feeling these two men have for each other.
“Did you eat?” Heeseung asked. Sunghoon didn’t expect Heeseung to ask the question. He expected questions about Jay. But, it looks like Heeseung isn’t in a hurry today.
“I-I haven’t.” Sunghoon replied. Heeseung tugged the younger’s hand without saying anything. He walks towards the kitchen and Sunghoon follows like a child. Still, Heeseung's hands were wrapped on his hands.
“Get yourself comfy, I’ll re-heat the food I made.” Heeseung smiled and Sunghoon wanted to cry, again. Heeseung’s being so nice like he used to, but this time, it’s different. Silence lingered in the kitchen when Heeseung was busy preparing the food. But, it was the silence that felt comfortable, felt like home. Sunghoon just watched Heeseung as he prepared the food. He wanted to run towards the man and hug him tightly. That didn’t happen because Heeseung suddenly faced Sunghoon, holding a bowl of Bibimbap. Sunghoon was caught staring. “You really love looking at me, huh?” Heeseung teased as he placed the food in front of Sunghoon. “Shut up!” Sunghoon replied. The younger started eating the Bibimbap Heeseung made, and it was delicious as always. Heeseung was just staring, his hands resting on his cheeks and a subtle smile on his face.
“You know I wanted to take care of you, Hoon,” Heeseung said out of nowhere and Sunghoon choked on the food. Sunghoon faked a cough trying to hide the blush forming on his face. “W-what do you mean? you’ve been taking care of me ever since.” Sunghoon replied. Heeseung was looking straight at him. Sunghoon wanted to look away, but he couldn't. The man in front of him was so captivating. He missed this face. He missed Heeseung.
“I know. But I want to take care of you, not as a friend. I want to take care of you like how a person takes care of their significant other.” Heeseung took a deep breath.
“Sunghoon, I’ve built a boundary between us because I don’t wanna ruin our friendship. You’re too precious to me. I was scared to lose you if I overstepped that boundary before, so I never did. Then, when Jay came, I realized that I was already losing you even though I stayed in my place, being your friend. That scared me to death, Hoon because–I know this reason is too cliche, but a man in love can’t help it–I don’t want to see you with another man that isn’t me. So, fuck being friends. I love you very fucking much I could die, Hoon.” The food on the table was long forgotten. It’s just Heeseung and Sunghoon, staring at each other. Heeseung said all that without looking away from the man in front of him. On the other hand, Sunghoon was lost for words. His heart beating rapidly, his tears wanting to overflow again and again. Sunghoon couldn’t contain his emotions so he once again let out every tear he had. Heeseung stood up and went beside Sunghoon. The younger man was covering his face. His emotions were so intense he couldn’t stop crying. Heeseung pulled him for a hug. Sunghoon wrapped his arms around Heeseung’s torso. He was home. He continued crying and Heeseung didn’t rush Sunghoon to say anything. He just caresses his back and kisses the top of Sunghoon’s head.
It was Sunghoon who pulled away from the hug. Heeseung wiped his tears with both of his hands. “Hush now, Hoon. You already cried a lot today.” Heeseung said, his voice too soft, and Sunghoon wanted to burst into tears again. But he fought the urge to break down. He wanted Heeseung to know how much he means to him and he can’t do that if he cries every time he opens his mouth.
“I-I liked you for a long time, Heeseung. I loved you before anyone else did. I was just too scared to admit it because I thought… it was just you being nice because I was your friend. I thought it was all platonic.” Sunghoon tried his best to say these words without bursting into tears. Heeseung held Sunghoon’s cheeks and smiled. “Hoon, only idiots won’t fall in love with you, and I’m not an idiot.” Heeseung said and the younger man let out a subtle laugh. “I can’t believe we have been hiding our feelings for God knows how long.” Sunghoon said, feeling a lot better now that Heeseung started to joke around, making the mood light. “Thanks to Jay, I guess? O-Oh…” Heeseung shut his mouth when he realized he mentioned Jay. Sunghoon instantly knew. “We broke up.” Heeseung quickly looked at Sunghoon, acting shocked which he really was, maybe a little. “O-oh…” Heeseung doesn’t know how to respond because a big part of him was so happy, and a part of him felt guilty, too. “I’ll talk to him when I have a chance. To at least apologize.” Heeseung said. “You don’t have to say anything, Heeseung. We’re okay. In fact we’re still friends. He’s a good guy, really.” Sunghoon said, tears rolled down his cheeks. He’s crying again. Heeseung pulled him from another hug. Trying his best to comfort Sunghoon.
“Did I mention that you’re such a pretty crier, Hoon.” Heeseung said, staring directly at Sunghoon. “Now, you love seeing me cry.” Sunghoon said jokingly. “Nah, I would never, unless it was tears of joy or…” Heeseung smirked and Sunghoon immediately knew what he meant. Sunghoon rolled his eyes and acted like he was about to leave, but Heeseung was fast to grab the younger man by his waist. “I was just kidding, Hoon.” Heeseung pressed their foreheads together, an inch separating their nose and their lips. Heeseung’s breathing was heavy and Sunghoon’s heart was racing. They looked at each other's eyes, Sunghoon’s hands were on Heeseung’s cheeks and it was definitely Sunghoon who closed the distance they’d been aching to cross for so long.
It was a slow kiss at first. Heeseung tasted every corner of Sunghoon’s mouth. His hands rested on Sunghoon’s waist, his grips tightened every time Sunghoon moaned in between their kisses. The kiss deepened when Sunghoon opened his mouth, letting Heeseung devour every part of it. From his mouth, Heeseung traveled down to his neck leaving marks that would definitely stay for a couple of weeks. Sunghoon tangled his hands in Heeseung’s hair and gently tugged it every time the older bit a part of his neck. “F-fuck, Heeseung. I love you so much.” Sunghoon breathlessly said when Heeseung’s lips were on his chest, leaving kisses.
Heeseung went back to Sunghoon’s lips and kissed it gently. He pulled away, staring at Sunghoon “I love you, too, my Hoonie.” Heeseung smiled and before Sunghoon could say anything, Heeseung left a long kiss on his forehead, his hands on Sunghoon’s nape. Sunghoon felt so warm and loved. The love he had been dreaming and praying for a long time found its way to him. Turns out he was always with him, always beside him.