Chapter Text
OPENING
The Skaianet logo appears and a percentage below it increases as the game "loads". Once 100% is loaded, the screen fades to a red curtain surrounded by a clockwork whosawhatsits contraptions. Sburban Jungle music begins. The camera zooms in and the red curtains are drawn aside. Prospit clouds zoom from behind the viewer to the horizon, showing various scenes from throughout the kids' adventures. The opening credits accompany the scenes: JOHN rocketing around LOLAR, GRANDPA piloting the airship, ROSE smashing the generator, BEC using his super green sun powers to transport JADE, JACK NOIR's shadow over the battlefield, snippet from "Dave Accelerate", Jade entering, Jade and Dave collecting frogs, shadow of LORD ENGLISH honking, DAVESPRITE and JADESPRITE from Cascade, Red Miles, the MAYOR making can town, John using windy powers, Rose destroying part of her world, Dave being raised by BRO, Bro slicing Dave's meteor, Jade in her dark dress alchemitizing things, etc. Finally:
EXT. PROSPIT
JADE's dream self is seen from behind watching the clouds of Skaia over Prospit. She is standing in the window of her tower on Prospit's moon, wearing the golden Prospit dress/night gown.
INT. JADE'S BEDROOM - MID MORNING
The music cuts out abruptly. Jade, a thirteen year old girl, wakes up, backlit so only her silhouette is visible. Her identity for the scene remains unknown. BEC, her large white dog who is also a being of unfathomable power, looks up at her as she rises from bed. She goes to her computer. The computer is very futuristic, with the desktop and windows floating above as a hologram. A window pops up. The following conversation is recorded in a computer window while they talk, each in their own "quirk". Jade writes in green, ROSE in purple. Jade is cheerful and optimistic. Rose never says precisely what she means.
COMPUTER
tentacleTherapist began pestering gardenGnostic. Enable Voice Chat?
A cursor moves and clicks yes. The sound of the chat being enabled sounds. You should get used to this sound.
ROSE
I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.
JADE
Haha, okay, but we can't talk for long!
ROSE
You have plans?
JADE
Well, yes I do, but you will lose your internet connection soon!
Jade pulls over a green box and carefully re-seals it. She pens a note: To EB, from GG.
ROSE
This is what I was talking about. My avarice for the inscrutable. It is limitless.
JADE
What did you want to know?
ROSE
You've been insisting today was the big day. We would all play a game you didn't know the name of, but that we would get in the mail. Which I did. A game which would help me answer some questions, that might also resurrect my deceased cat for reasons unknown. But the others are being obtuse and my internet is, as mentioned, unstable. Are you sure today is the day?
Bec teleports and sits obediently by Jade's side. She scratches his head. Green lightning occasionally sparks around him. He is basically the god dog of all superior power known to all of existence. Also, good dog, best friend.
JADE
There sure are a lot of challenges, but yes I am sure! It will be hard but don't give up!
ROSE
Is there nothing else you can say to prepare me for this?
JADE
I don't really know what to tell you other than it's not going to be what you think it is. And most importantly you will have your questions answered, but they will be the ones you haven't thought to ask yet! Just be patient and brave and you'll see. Don't worry about it, and focus on playing with John first. It all starts with you two!
ROSE
I see. Yes, these vague assurances will surely alleviate my concerns.
(pause)
I suppose I should continue to pester John then.
EXT. JOHN'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
The scene begins on a bright blue sky. A stylized sun is in the sky, like the symbol for Light in the game. JOHN's suburban neighborhood pans into view. WIND and WIND CHIMES sound quietly.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - DAY
A newly thirteen year old boy is looking at a card which reads "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON". Cakes litter the room. The boy quickly passes by and a calendar is seen on the far wall. Two days are circled: 4/13 reads BIRTHDAY, 4/10 reads BETA.
Official title runs, using BETA in the title:
HOMESTUCK (diamond behind) BETA
There is a dark belt at the bottom of the screen; the white words "A young man stands in his bedroom. What will you do?" appear within the dark belt briefly before fading. The dark belt remains so for the entirety of the movie; it is the command readout and its 'lines' are never spoken. CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS appear in the lower right hand corner of the screen whenever the kids pick up items, comprising the players' sylladex. There is a green card with a hammer on the far right, then two blank pink cards, a pink card with a razor, and a pink card with fake arms. The room is covered in movie posters: ConAir, Ghostbusters, and Armageddon are prominent. Cakes lie in various locations. A large chest is in the corner and ghost sheets are on the bed. There is a large book with COLONEL SASSACRE written on it. He also has a black ~ATH programming book. A computer is set up across from a window with a computer chair. The boy jumps into his chair and spins around quickly. John stops himself and his face finally comes into full view, lit by the computer screen in front. He has a bluetooth headset over his ear. John is optimistic and has a tendency to get in way over his head, but it'll all work out in the end because he's just that kind of doofus.
The computer desktop shows various icons: SYSTEM ICON, TYPHEUS PROGRAM, PESTERCHUM PROGRAM, AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHH.~ATH, pff.^CAKE, and FUCK FUCK FUCK.^CAKE. PESTERCHUM is running.
A window pops up, writing the text out:
turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 16:13.
A new window asks "Enable Voice Chat?"
The mouse clicks OK and John flicks his bluetooth ear piece on. A voice chat sound plays and the chat window opens with the name turntechGodhead and a short bio written by DAVE in his quirk. An "ironic selfie" of Dave is in the corner. Their conversation is also recorded, in their quirks, as they talk and is visible whenever the computer screen is in view. John proceeds to open other gifts, such as a Little Monsters movie poster, while talking with Dave. Dave is too cool for school, and thus never misses classes. Irony. No biggie.
DAVE
Hey, John, so what sort of insane birthday loot did you rake in today? Did you get the beta yet?
JOHN
Yeah, but I nearly ran into my Dad getting it! He's busy making more cakes downstairs. Did you get yours?
DAVE
Man, I got two copies already. But I'm not going to play it or anything; the game sounds boring. Maybe you can play with TT. She's been pestering me all day about it. She's macking on me so hard all the time I start to feel embarrassed for her.
JOHN
(Deadpan)
Yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. I am attracted to you.
John starts messing about in his room while talking to Dave. He takes the fake arms from his sylladex by swiping them from the cards in the corner of the screen. He sticks them in the cake. He finds this act to be a stroke of genius because he is a doofus.
DAVE
Thank you.
JOHN
Just kidding. I've been spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex. You should see this, it's hilarious.
DAVE
Not that interested. Probably nearly getting yourself killed with your knowledge of data structures.
JOHN
Pfft. As if. Anyway, guess I'll go try to get that beta.
DAVE
Sure. And let me know if there's anything else there. Like say, an awesome red package.
John sighs, looks at the arms, then grabs them again. They glow, disappear, and reenter his sylladex card. John leaves the room.
COMPUTER
Now leaving wireless range. Voice Chat Disabled.
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Harlequin theme plays quietly. A large box sits in the middle of the room. There is a fireplace with a fire; a picture of NANNA sits over the fireplace with an urn. Harlequin statues and photos decorate the shelves and the walls. Mail is on the table by the couch. A door to the left leads to the kitchen; the door next to that leads to the study. A front door is behind the camera. A cake sits on the couch and joke mustache and glasses sit on a table near the kitchen.
John peeks through the kitchen door to see DAD cooking yet another cake. A Betty Crocker box is next to him. John closes the door.
John reads the note on the large box:
"CHAMP
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.
I BELIEVE IN YOU."
He opens the large box to reveal a giant armless Harlequin doll.
JOHN
Oh hell no.
He puts the doll on the couch. After a moment's thought he sticks the FAKE ARMS to it with the leftover cake on the fake arms, laughing a little. The card flashes and the other cards move up again.
JOHN
You, sir, are a genius.
He picks up his Dad's PDA and captchalogues it. Then he grabs the red package, and finally the BETA, from the mail. They enter the captchalogue cards in that order.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - DAY
The ding of the Voice Chat is heard as John enters. John takes the SBURB disc from the package and puts it into the computer. It disappears from his captchalogue index. John picks up a cake to move it somewhere else, but it inadvertently enters his final sylladex card. (They should be Cake, package, PDA, then razor reading left to right). John seems frustrated with this fact.
DAVE
ectoBiologist is back and reenabled voice chat? Thank you, Pesterchum, for your reminder. It's not like I'm sitting at my computer, reading these squiggles. I'd have no idea that my voice chat was enabled if you hadn't told me.
JOHN
Are you talking to yourself?
DAVE
Of course not.
(Casually)
Did you get the mail? Did there happen to be a package there?
JOHN
Yeah, a big red one.
DAVE
You should probably open it.
The SBURB CLIENT SCREEN on the computer reads:
SBURB version 0.0.1
@ SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
SBURB client is running.
Waiting for server to establish connection ...
JOHN
Yeah, okay. Just... Let me figure out this sylladex stuff.
Harlequin music picks up. He picks up another cake which appears in the far left CAPTCHALOGUE CARD and the razor is shot from the far right CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, just missing John, flying across the room, and stabbing a poster. John experimentally picks up another cake and the PDA goes flying out the window, leaving glass shards all over the floor. He looks at the razor. He picks up the razor and the red package flies out and hits John before dropping to the floor.
DAVE
What are you doing there? Having some kind of glass smashing ethnic party?
JOHN
(frustrated)
Just getting to the package is all.
(mumbling)
How do I use two items together again?
John picks up the red package, ejecting the CAKE out the window.
EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE, LOOKING IN AT JOHN. HE STARES AT THE CAKE AND PDA ON THE GROUND OUTSIDE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND DISAPPEARS FROM THE WINDOW. TWO CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS FILL WITH BROKEN GLASS SHARDS AND TWO MORE CAKES FLY OUT THE WINDOW. THE PACKAGE AND RAZOR DISAPPEAR AND ANOTHER GLASS SHARD IS ADDED TO THE DECK.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM
John holds the open package and finishes reading a letter from the box. He lifts a dirty stuffed bunny from the box. A certificate in the box names it as the official bunny used on set of ConAir.
JOHN
Is this...?
DAVE
A bunny once held hostage by Cyrus, "The Virus"? Authentic to every last filthy stain.
JOHN
This is so sweet.
DAVE
(Laughing) You don't even like it ironically or anything this is like for real, isn't it?
JOHN
I do things ironically sometimes. What about those glasses I sent for your birthday?
DAVE
No those are awesome. I wear them ironically because they're awesome. The fact that they're ironic makes them awesome, and vice versa.
JOHN
Pfft sure Strider. As awesome as your Bro's freaky puppets.
DAVE
What, Lil' Cal? No, man, Lil' Cal is the shit.
JOHN
Hey, did you want to play this SBURB thing?
DAVE
No way, it sounds HELLS of boring. Just get TT to play it. Her internet is blinking in and out, I guess, but it's all she's been talking about. Probably be back online soon. Hey, I'll catch you later.
JOHN
Yeah, okay. Later.
John opens up the TYPHEUS web browser and finds his way to the MIDNIGHT CREW page. He hears the car start and sees his dad leave through the window. A brief video of the MIDNIGHT CREW plays, introducing the main four characters: SPADES SLICK, HEARTS BOXCARS, DIAMONDS DROOG, and CLUBS DEUCE. It also shows some of the crazy powers of the Felt, and the smashing of various clocks.
A Pesterchum window pops up and interrupts the video: tentacleTherapist began pestering ectoBiologist at 17:08. Enable Voice Chat? The ding sounds.
ROSE
It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent. Should I try to connect?
JOHN
Whoa, ok, but I just got the most awesome present.
The SBURB application finally begins to run. A large button in the middle reads "START?" The four quadrant green SBURB house symbol is also on the screen.
ROSE
I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology now. But why don't we focus on the matter at hand?
JOHN
Oh the game, ok. So what am I even looking at here.
John hits enter. The SBURB logo spins and disappears as the Skaianet load screen runs. Rose talks.
ROSE
You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.
The build interface appears over the top of the moviescreen above John's head. The Skaianet spiral logo is in the upper left hand corner, and seven SBURB buttons appear. Rose's mouse now appears over JOHN's room. Rose begins to move things in John's room.
JOHN
Whoa, what are you doing?
ROSE
Getting a feel for the controls. Oh, I think this will...
Rose clicks the second icon from the left and enlarges John's room. She then clicks the third icon and builds the totem lathe. The physical lathe drops into John's room. He rushes over to take a closer look at it. He tries messing with the machine without even the pretense of caution to see what it does.
JOHN
Whoa, what's that?
ROSE
It seems to be a "totem lathe". Deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense. It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.
JOHN
Wow ok. What do they do?
ROSE
I think it's up to you to find out. All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around apparently.
JOHN
You can move stuff? Can you get that PDA?
ROSE
The one you threw out your window for some reason?
Rose picks up the PDA and deposits it in John's room. He picks it up. He now has a PDA, then three glass shards.
JOHN
Thanks. How do I move stuff around?
John opens pesterchum on the PDA so he can walk and speak with Rose. The PDA begins to show their conversation via pesterchum as he walks out of his room.
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM
Rose deploys the CRUXTRUDER in John's living room, inadvertently blocking the front door.
EXT. JOHN'S BALCONY
She deploys the ALCHEMITER on John's balcony. A telescope is also on the balcony.
ROSE
You have to run the server application. You should have received both in separate envelopes.
JOHN
What?
Flashback to John looking out his window, watching his DAD drive away. An SBURB envelope and GREEN BOX are in the car.
JOHN (CON'T)
Oh man, it must be with my dad in his car!
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM
John wanders to the living room. He runs down the stairs. Sounds are heard from John's bathroom as Rose accidentally lifts and drops the toilet.
JOHN
Oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?
ROSE
There's a door there?
JOHN
Um, YEAH?
ROSE
I didn't see it. I thought it fit nicely in the groove there.
He begins to mess with the Cruxtruder, jumping on it, pulling, trying to figure out how it works.
JOHN
You mean you thought it was elegant? Ok well, what do I do with this thing then? Hello? What are you doing?
John is interrupted by another pesterchum notification. The PDA reads: Switch to Voice Chat with gardenGnostic? John clicks OK.
COMPUTER
gardenGnostic began pestering ectobiologist at 17:25
JADE
John did you get my package? It was in a green box...
JOHN
Oh, yes, but it's in my dad's car.
JADE
Great! So what are you up to today?
Rose's cursor suddenly drops a bathtub on the stairs.
JOHN
I'm up to my neck in this SBURB stuff. TT is making a royal mess of my house.
JADE
(Laughing)
What's SBURB?
JOHN
It's this game. I'm still figuring it out.
JADE
Whoa, what was that?
JOHN
What was what?
JADE
There was a loud noise outside my house! It sounded like an explosion! I will go outside and look...
JOHN
Oh man, alright, but be careful!
JADE
I will!
COMPUTER
GardenGnostic ceased pestering ectobiologist at 17:28.
John reestablishes voice chat with Rose. John goes up to and grabs the edge of the bathtub. He looks around.
JOHN
You can see me, right? Tell me what is wrong with this picture.
ROSE
Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal. Must be the weather. I was trying to fix your bathroom.
JOHN
Fix?!
ROSE
I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother. I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.
JOHN
(in an honest attempt to commiserate over the difficulty of dealing with parents)
Yeah, I hear you.
ROSE
(dryly sarcastic)
Yes. Cake, Jesters, and unfaltering love and support. Quite a road to hoe there for one John Egbert. Here, let me open that for you.
Rose picks up the bathtub and smashes the top of the cruxtruder before moving the tub offscreen. The kernelsprite pops out. It's a bright blue sphere that flickers rapidly, about the size of a basketball. A countdown appears on the cruxtruder, starting at 4 minutes and 13 seconds.
JOHN
What is this thing? And what is that clock counting down to?
ROSE
I've been look at the GameFAQ walkthroughs, but they are all extremely short. None progress further than this point. But you will need to extrude some "cruxite" from the device.
John turns the wheel to reveal a blue cylinder from the top where Rose knocked off the top.
ROSE
That countdown is making me nervous. Here, I think you are going to need this card, too.
Rose's cursor drops a captchalogue card with an apple and many slits on it into John's hand. It enters his captchalogue card. He takes the cruxite into his captchalogue quickly after. Two glass shards shoot off and maim the Giant Harlequin Doll. It now has a slash on its left eye, and a slice has gone through his jester's cap on the left side. He considers the maimed doll, then picks up a different harlequin doll on the table to fire the last glass shard, slicing the left arm off the doll. The PDA is now accessible on the bottom of John's stack. The kernelsprite is acting crazy flying about.
JOHN
This thing keeps following me around.
ROSE
That is probably the "Kernelsprite". It apparently needs to be "prototyped". Twice actually.
JOHN
Well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is right to do. Also, fix my bathroom!
John runs upstairs as Rose drops the maimed harlequin doll into the Kernelsprite. It changes to a maimed harlequin's head and continues to follow John around, although it flickers far less. John returns to his bedroom and the odd device Rose left there.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM
He stops and looks out through the window. His father's car pulls into the driveway. John also spies a meteor in the sky. Sburban Countdown (music) begins here, and builds slowly.
ROSE
You should probably hurry. The clock is ticking. Oh, your Dad just got home. I suppose I'll try and fix that bathroom now before he notices.
JOHN
Oh man, who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!
ROSE
I see. Do you suppose that has anything to do with the game?
JOHN
I don't know, maybe! What do I do!
ROSE
If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed. Try using the card on the lathe in your room.
JOHN
Okay, I'll do that.
ROSE
(speaking of the FAQs she is reading)
It is a labor to read this drivel. I think I will write my own walkthrough. That is, after we make sure you don't die.
John uses the card and the cruxite. The card is one of those old computer punch cards. The lathe begins working, creating a shape in the cruxite but the screen freezes and the music stops suddenly. WIRELESS DISCONNECT flashes on the screen, and the frame zooms out.
INT. ROSE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Zoom out from the disconnect screen at John's house. John's bedroom is frozen on Rose's screen. Rose is working at her computer, her face visible in its light. Her room is dark due to a loss of electricity, but lightning flashes reveal a slightly messy room with Cthulu-esque fan-art, a violin case, and various knitting paraphernalia. Rose has a violin and a knitting bag in her Captchalogue cards, set up as a tree modus in the lower left hand corner. Her green cardreads NEEDLEKIND and displays knitting needles. She grabs her laptop, which rebalances her Captchalogue set. The laptop becomes the top of the tree with the violin and knitting set both as leaves off of the tree. She leaves the room. Out of her window there is a cat mausoleum and a lab behind a row of trees in the stormy night. It is raining heavily. Some meteors can be seen racing through the sky as well.
INT. ROSE'S HOUSE, HALLS
Outside she shuts the door; the name Rose Lalonde is written on the outside of her door. The hall is dark, and as she runs along, a flash of lightning briefly outlines the shape of Rose's MOM, as well as the various wizard posters on the walls. There is a (live) white and pink pony, MAPLEHOOF, in the living room and a large Zazzerpan wizard statue. Rose quickly climbs to the observatory, in which there is a large telescope. She opens her computer and reconnects to John. Pulling the computer from her sylladex causes all of her Captchalogue objects to fall on the ground. She ignores it and reinstates voice chat with John, as well as the game connection on her computer. We can see John and his house on her screen as she talks. His walls are defaced with drawings of harlequins and words like FOOL and LAME KID. Music builds back in (sburban countdown).
ROSE
I'm back.
JOHN
I don't think it matters, I think I'm probably dead no matter what!
ROSE
Patience. Have you used the punchcard?
JOHN
It made this weird shaped thing. I don't know what to do with it!
ROSE
I put the final device on your balcony. The new totem should make the item on the card.
John runs out onto the balcony and puts the totem on the raised platform. Sburban Countdown music continues
JOHN
So what is it, like an apple or something? What good will that even do?
ROSE
We'll see. I've found no evidence that anyone has even successfully made the item.
An arm scans the shaped totem and a blue tree appears on the large circular plate. A large blue apple grows from the branch, drops into John's hands, and the tree disappears.
As the clock ticks down and the meteor approaches, John looks up at the oncoming meteor and takes a bite of the apple.
EXT. JOHN'S NEIGHBORHOOD
From far off, an enormous explosion is seen in John's neighborhood. Static interrupts the picture.