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Buck was numb sitting on the edge of the couch in Ravi's apartment. Completely dissasociating, not even knowing how much time has passed and whether or not he was supposed to be somewhere. It was like his brain was completely blank and incredibly loud at the same time, and he was just in the middle if it.
When Eddie moved back to LA Buck knew he couldn't hog his best friend's house anymore even though Eddie repeatedly told him that he doesn't need to actually move out until he finds another option. But Buck deep down knew he couldn't stand experiencing domestic life with the Diaz boys and go on with his day to day life after that.
It would ruin him completely. Or worse, make him hopefull for something that wasn't even on the table. He couldn't go to Maddie, with the new baby and the toddler in the house. It was already way too hectic for her to have a moping grown up around.
So, when Ravi offered him a spare bedroom in his own apartment he immediately accepted. But now, Ravi was in Cuba on vacation with friends and Buck was all alone in the apartment. It was their 72h off and he wanted to do so much today. He had scheduled several house viewings, he promised Maddie to come over for lunch, even tried and failed to make plans with Christopher.
Everything was fine until it wasn't and it tore him apart.
Months had passed since the lab incident yet he couldn't pick himself up from the despair consuming his whole body. He was mostly fine. Or, he succeeded in making himself seem fine when he was around his friends and family but there were times when everything suddenly crashed and burned around him and he didn't know what to do.
He experienced loss before Bobby. People left him, abandoned him, used him in more ways than one. But losing Bobby was like losing a piece of your heart that you never knew could be broken. And the grief part of it all came in waves, it was either through laughter on Bachelor nights with Harry and May, remembering all the ways Bobby would be pissed off at them right now.
Or, when cooking a meal for the firehouse. That little pang in his chest when he wanted Bobby to taste test a meal before serving the crew or, in this case - an unexplained sense of pure dread and depression completely paralyzing him in his tracks.
It happened... Often... Way more often than he would like to admit and he really didn't want anyone to know. Ravi knew, or probably guessed since he oftentimes stumbled upon him just staring at one spot on the ceiling for far too long. Ravi even tried to talk to him about it but Buck being Buck always derailed the conversation.
Objectively Buck knew that he could talk to every single one of his friends and family and no one would judge him for it. They would totally be there for him but he simply couldn't. One glance at pure happiness radiating from the Madney family around baby Nash, Jee's chirping sounds and Maddie's tired features were enough to know that his struggles felt far less important to bother his sister when she's already doing a fair share of work with her own family.
Hen was over the moon that Chim accepted his captaincy and even went on a two week vacation with Karen and the kids to do a complete detox. Buck would occasionally silently just approach Hen from the back and hug her, receiving a warm hug back. But every time she opened her mouth to say something he would just shake his head trying to stove off the tears and leave her alone in the loft.
And Eddie.
Eddie did nothing wrong. Eddie was reliable, always there and surprisingly so much happier now that he was back in LA with Christopher that Buck didn't want to bring the stormy cloud over them now that everything was finally where it was supposed to be.
Well, everything but Bobby. But you know, almost evertything.
Eddie and Chris were home and they were happy and always laughing, organizing small outings around LA to bond and everything. And even though Buck accompanied them on most of them every time Buck step over the threshold of the apartment he wanted to curl into a little ball on the floor and just cry.
Or die.
Or both.
He ached. He ached for everything. He ached for the time when his only concern was whether he remembered to put cocoa powder in the chilli, or whether he needed to chose his own couch. Everything felt so hightened and he wondered how are people supposed to live like that.
Buck knew he should go back to his therapist. This was not borderline depression but full on depression and something he didn't want to scratch the surface of.
The panic attacks at night were the worst, combined with the feeling of depersonalization he had while working it felt like his own personal horror movie. Over the past few months he thought he got the hang of it, how to calm himself down and not show anyone what was actually happening. But right now everything was falling apart and he didn't know what to do or say.
He knew that just one message to any of his friends would crash the happy little bubble they were all in and he didn't want that. They were working through their own grief, so why couldn't he?
He didn't even know what he needed. A hug? A conversation? What would he even say?
'Sorry to bother you Eddie but I feel like I don't exist anymore and that if I take another step forward I might fall into oblivion. But yeah, don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything you know (I think).
'No shit Sherlock.'
You couldn't say stuff like that even though it was absolutely the thing that was crossing his mind. They would get him on a 72 hour hold in the matter of minutes.
Buck also didn't want the pity looks from his friends. You know that one signature look when you lose someone close to you and everyone is not just sorry about your current situation but pitying you and you can clearly see it on their faces. Once you know that look there was no going back.
And he didn't want that look to come back. He hated it for the first month after Bobby died when everyone around him had that same expression on their faces.
So, here he was. Sitting on the edge of Ravi's couch for god knows how long. Staring at the silent phone on the coffee table.
"I'm falling apart and I don't know how to stop it." - Buck whispered to the empty apartment.
Few tears dropped from his eyes but he didn't bother in wiping them off. He felt like he was a child again when he would animatedly try to explain his interest or new hyperfixation to his parents but they would actively ignore him. Or, how even now, at the ripe age of 34 more often than not he opted out of actually sharing his new obssesions because he didn't see the point anymore.
They would always hear him out. His team was different from his mom and dad, that's for sure. But there was this fist forming around his gut after Bobby died that they really didn't need him rambling about random things he found interesting because those were not their fields of interests. Most times they couldn't follow his line of thinking and would eventually just politely nod their heads or make funny comments to acknowledge the story. They knew he had to tire the brain worms out so his crack brain could calm down, but now he didn't see the point.
The things that mattered enough to hyperfixate on were just his. Why would he burden everyone around him with meaningless facts and causes. They weren't meaningless to him, that's for sure. But for the rest of them yeah, they had other things to worry about.
But the brain worms were the worst, sometimes he had to physically stop himself from talking when someone off hand commented something that was part of his current hyperfixation. Why? Because they need a normal conversation, not him explaining the timeline or origin of the whole cause or conversation in question.
So, he started writing a diary of random thoughts. Went on a twitter for a while but it was toxic as fuck and his current mental state wasn't prepared for that shit yet. So, instead he imersed himself in the local community centers trying to divert his obsessions with being useful.
He volunteered on walking dogs for a shelter. Helped on bingo nights at a retirement center. Worked at community garden hauling huge bags of compost, and one of his favourites - volunteering at one of the LGBTQIA+ centers near Ravi's house. He attended meetings, lectures, mostly bringing food for the guests and doing a career fairs every now and again. He was pissed about new legislations regarding his community and he wanted to contribute any way he could. Even it was once a week for an hour or two talking few teenagers off the ledge.
But it wasn't enough. He was angry and sad and it was maddening and exhausting.
His phone woke up and it was Eddie calling, but his limbs were too heavy and he couldn't answer. So he let it ring out, or at least he thinks it did judging by how long the screen was lit up. He never turned his sound on, after Bobby the sound of the incoming call was like a bad omen. After the call disconected there were several follow up messages. Then the screen went black again.
Another hour passed but Buck still couldn't move. The sun shifted a bit and it was probably long after four o'clock. He thinks he got onto the couch just around noon, was it few hours already? He could feel his mind drifting.
His phone occassionaly lit up with some group messages and messages from Maddie and Harry, and several more from Eddie. But he just sat there, his hips starting to hurt from the position he was in for the past couple of hours.
He probably should get up, eat and drink something. When was the last time he did that? Couldn't remember.
God, Buck knew that this was bad. He needed to snap out of it but as he tried to take a deep breath and pull himself together a sob ran through his body and he just started crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop.
Everything around him was suddenly too overwhelming and overstimulating. The lit up phone on the table, the sun shifting over the window, the sound of car backfiring on the street, the plumbing of their upstairs neighbour, the hum of the refrigerator, the smell of unlit incense Ravi kept on the shelf. Everything was crashing at him at once.
With unsteady hands he took the phone and completely turned it off leaving it somewhere on the floor where it dropped. He went to close the blinds but darkness scared him recently. It reminded him of being burried alive, or being burried at all, alluding how Bobby must've felt all alone both in the lab and in the ground.
Buck couldn't sleep in complete dark anymore.
So, instead he closed the windows to tune out the street noise and went to the bathroom to sit on the cool tiles.
Bathrooms always seemed to have a better isolation than the rest of the house. Ravi's was fancy also, perks of owning a building I guess. And what Buck liked the most, the skylight it had overlooking a tree above it.
He curled around his knees and tried to control his breathing. Closing and opening his eyes trying to focus on the movement of the leaves from the soft winds going through it but even when his breath calmed the animal deep in his gut was growling. It was like a beast and he just waited for it to get out somehow. It would probably rip him apart but he couldn't care, that would mean that he was finally... Out of it, right?
He needed to get better. For the team. For everyone. For himself?
Hours later when the warm light of the golden hour passed and the dark of the night enveloped the tree from the other side of the window Buck considered geting up from the floor. But his legs were like jello. He calmed down a bit but everything still felt too much around him.
He stripped and sat in the tub letting the almost too hot water bring him out of it. It was as calming as borderline painfull. His muscles relaxing, his mind going all wobbly. At one point he even thought about falling asleep under the hot shower head. But then his eco-friendly brain kicked in and he turned off the water.
Buck snuggled in an oversized hoodie and opened the fridge - which was, relatively empty. His stomack churned but he knew that he needed to eat somehing at least. There was sliced provolone cheese in a container and pecorino shavings he enthusiastically bought for a lasagna day at the firehouse but eventually backed out from when he remembered that he actually had to go throught the entire Bobby recipe all alone. So instead he's been eating all the six types of cheeses from the fridge for days.
He laughed a little humming around his breath 'girl dinner'.
Apartment was dark, the only light coming from a lamp which Buck dimmed to a lowest setting while he nipped the cheese straight from the container. His mind was a bit calmer now, after the hot shower and the night finally falling. He always felt calmer when the nightime came because for some reason his thoughts succeeded in catching up with the speed of his brain. Over the day everything was overwhelming, the thoughts, the sensations, the lights and surroundings. Nights were a bit peacefull. If you ignore the nightmares, but yes. A bit more relaxed.
He pondered if he should try going to bed, even though he didn't know what time it was, while staring at the empty pecorino bag. But then the soft knock pulled him out of thoughts.
His body was moving automatically, Ravi's neighbours were mostly silent and sweet little old ladies who more often then not needed his help with something around their apartment. And even though he really didn't want to talk to anyone right now he couldn't ignore them. Sue him, he liked them. They made him cookies.
But when Buck opened the door there was scared and breathless Eddie on the other side. For a brief moment Buck blinked and then looked down on himself considering how he looks right now to everyone other that little old ladies. They liked his semi homeless look because they've told him numerous times that as the hunk he is when he is disheveled he looks like a soft huggly teddy bear. They failed to mention completely mentally ruined teddy bear but that was a topic for another time.
But this time it was Eddie staring at him and Buck was starting to slightly panic. Eddie didn't have the vision of little old ladies and he could see right through him. Mismatched socks, way too oversized hoodie and sweatpants, his curls all frizzy under it because he didn't dry it properly nor used all the curly hair products he usually does. Empty cheese bag in one hand and obvious puffiness on his face and red rimmed eyes.
He averted his gaze and tried asking Eddie why he came but Eddie just looked at him carefully, deeply exhaled and hurried past Buck into the apartment.
'At least it wasn't his angry strut', Buck thought for himself.
He closed the door behind him and thumped his forehead on the door for a second, expecting a storm. But when he turned around to finally face Eddie, Eddie was opening the fridge and getting the groceries out of it along with a gatorade which he opened and slided towards Buck on the counter top.
Buck just nodded and sat at the kitchen chair sipping the drink while Eddie was getting out all the pots and pans, with his back turned from him.
"I've been waiting for you to come to me. For... For whatever this is. And I'm worried Buck. I'm worried that you not only don't trust me, because I know you do..." Eddie's voice broke as he turned around to look at Buck whose eyes were glistening with tears. "I don't want you to go though this alone Buck. Because you're not alone, okay?
"And I won't stand on the sidelines watching you dim your light because you think that isn't fair for any of us, because it would be fair for me and Christopher. So please Buck, let me in. And if you don't then I'll move in here with you, I'll send Ravi to camp in my house with Christopher. They would probably have the time of their lives organizing parties for a while.
"If you don't want to talk to me about it then I'll just be here making you food and cleaning, going grocery shopping or hell if you want to I'll even sing to you or... or, read you books out loud, okay? I just... It's breaking me seeing you like this. And if it's breaking me, I can't even imagine what you feel like right now. So please, will you? Let me help?"
He silently slided to Buck who was now fiddling with the ends of his hoodie, tears silently dropping.
"I don't know what is wrong with me. Or how to make it better."
Buck finally said in such a small voice which was never meant to come out from a man of his size. And Eddie's heart broke in millions of pieces because right now all he could see was not his Buck but Buck - the neglected child, guard down, uncertain about the world around him and what is next.
Eddie swallowed a lump in his throat and took Buck's cheeks into his hands, wiping the tears with his thumbs. Buck closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.
"We'll figure it out. Together, okay? I'll make us some food and we'll go from there."
Suddenly Buck realized that it was dark and that Christopher was probably all alone in the house. Eddie's eyes softened even more when realizing what panic in Buck's eyes must've meant.
"Christopher is fifteen, he's been waiting his whole life to be all alone in the house. He has food and snacks and video games. He's fine Buck. Let me take care of you now, ok?"
Buck just nodded, another tear dropping across his cheek. Eddie landed a kiss on top of his curls and Buck closed his eyes again, for the first time today finally breathing without feeling that an elephant was sitting on his chest.
"Would you like to wait for the food on the couch or here with me? Maybe some music?"
Eddie asked softly with fingers going through Buck's curls where his head was now resting on Eddie's belly.
"Here, with you. No music please and no big lights, everything has been too much today."
"Mkay."
Eddie detangled himself from Buck and dropped a kiss right in the middle of his birthmark, taking Buck's breath away.
"Basic tortellini marinara for tonight, is that okay?"
"Yeah. I... I have so much tomato sauce in the fridge. I wanted to make ..."
But Buck's voice cracked and he couldn't finish the sentence. Eddie just shook his head letting Buck know that he understood and that he didn't need to say anything more.
"That's fine. No worries, that shit lasts forever right? We'll be making all kinds of tomato recipes for days. You just sit there and be pretty and the food will be in fifteen, mkay?"
Eddie finished with another smack of his lips over Buck's birthmark. Buck was already nodding but the faint purr in his gut was repeating over and over 'he called me pretty'?
Buck couldn't trust his mind right now. He was borderline thinking that he imagined this whole thing so he just sat at the counter watching Eddie prepare the simple dish trying not to make any unnecessary noise with the pots and pans.
After dinner they diverted to Buck's bedroom and without any pomp or explanation, just like two pieces of puzzle finally fitting together, Buck was on Eddie's chest snuggled up while Eddie was absentmindedly massaging his scalp.
They haven't talked during dinner and while preparing for bed. Just softly padded around each other finishing their sleep routine. Eddie wanted Buck to know that him talking about it would be on Buck's terms but Eddie was not going anywhere - whether he said a word tonight or a whole damn novel.
"I'm not okay. Don't think I was okay even before Bobby. I want to tell you but I... I don't know what to tell you without worrying you."
"You can say anything to me Buck. You know that, right?"
"I don't want you to fix me. I just... I don't even think I'm fixable, but..."
"We'll talk about trauma therapists in the morning then, mkay?" Another soft kiss landed on top of the curls and Buck just melted, his eyes almost dropping out of exhaustion.
"I'm afraid. Of myself Eddie and... Of my own mind. I'm 90% convinced that you're not here right now."
Eddie held him closer at that.
"I'm real Buck. You're real and I'm not going anywhere, okay? And I don't want to fix you, I want you to be better - for yourself first. I just don't want you to going through it alone. I'm not leaving again but I'm getting you through this, even if I have to just physically sit beside you until I can actually help out. But I'm not leaving.
"Not me, not Christopher. You are our home Buck, our family - we have each other's backs. Even when it seems like the whole planet is crumbling. So, I won't leave you. I'll bring you to every doctors appointment, hell if they recommend the victorian beach vacation as a therapy method all three of us will pack and go wherever - maybe Spain or Greece. Somewhere with great food, lots of colours and free and happy people."
Buck sniffled a bit but let out a little laugh.
"You seem like you already thought about it?"
"Mhm. I have. At length actually. I just didn't know how to approach you with that idea. Because..."
"Because what?"
Eddie took a deep breath and laid a cheek on top of Buck's curls.
"How do I propose a romantic gateaway to my work partner and best friend without revealing too much of my intentions while simultaniously hauling my son with us on the said gateaway."
And that made Buck laugh for the first time in a while. He lifted his head and rested his chin on Eddie's chest. Eddie's forehead was in a little kitten scrunch, waiting for an answer.
"I will always say yes to that Eddie. Whatever your intentions are. But..."
Eddie stopped breathing, his eyes darting all around Buck's face.
"But?"
Buck stood up from Eddie, sitting on his knees turned towards him. The soft lamp light washing over Eddie's frightened features. Buck took Eddie's hand in his own and left a relieved chuckle, caressing Eddie's knuckles.
He was so tired of pretending that this never existed so Buck decided to make a leap.
"I love you Eddie. I'm in love with you. Loving you and Christopher is probably the easest thing I've ever done in my life. But I'm not fine and I'm afraid if I get overhyped about you... About US right now that I'll just push this whole other issue under wraps and it will blow out at some point hurting us in the process.
"So, I'll always be yours if you'll have me. I just need to work on some things before that. Because Eddie, I'm so afraid of my mind. I've never been this much scared and I don't want to say something to you that I won't be able to take back in the long run."
Eddie joined Buck in criss cross apple sauce in front of him and took his hands.
"That's fine. Whatever you need, you'll have it. But you will not push me away Buck. Not anymore. I will be brave enough for both of us until you swim back to me okay? I will be paddling the raft over to you, meeting you in the middle. So, however long it takes I'm not going anywhere. I love you Buck, and for the first time in my life that doesn't scare me. You don't scare me. The thought of us going together through life doesn't scare me.
"So, whatever it takes. Hell, I'll probably go back to therapy again. Gonna go through the whole catholic guilt, gay speedrunning thing. We'll both get better for the sake of the rest of our lives, okay? But we're not doing that alone. We'll have each other."
Buck was nodding the entire time, tears again spilling from his eyes when Eddie took his face into his hands and started kissing him all over the face. Little pecks here and there, his forehead, one eye, then another one, his birthmark, the rosiness of his cheecks. He knew it was probably the stupidest and cheesiest thing he could ever do but it made Buck laugh. They leaned their foreheads together and Buck said:
"I'm proud of you Eddie. I know how hard it is figuring your own sexuality later in life."
It was now Eddie's time to catch a stray tear. He enveloped Buck in a strong hug, letting Buck nuzzle in his neck and pulled them all tangled back into bed and sanctity of pillows.
"Not so much an inconveniece when you're stupidly in love with your best friend." - said Eddie smugly.
They both started laughing.
"Okay, sleep now. Night Buck."
"Mmm night Eddie. Love you."
"Love you more."
"Impossible," Buck scoffed, Eddie snickered.