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X had never been this far from home, if he could even still call it that.
No, he left that place for good. That's not his home.
Initially, he hadn't had a plan when he chose to leave, but that didn't matter now. He had somehow run into this random…exoplanet? Now he had someone to give him purpose, a role in this galaxy.
Purpose.
X had never really felt a sense of purpose. For almost his entire existence, 4.5 billion years, he had centred his personality, his goals, his entire being around getting revenge on the ones who had wronged him.
Wow. You really couldn’t just let it go after so long.
Maybe if you had just given up on revenge earlier, you wouldn't have-
He had gotten his revenge, in a way. After waiting for so long, he had taken out his anger on his past home solar system. So long spent fixated on payback. Vengeance. Closure?
It had been satisfying to watch Jupiter leave. Satisfying to take his righteous place in his orbit, with his own moons, his own role. A sense of purpose, if only for a short time.
But you didn't even have a true purpose, did you?
Of course, simply taking Jupiter's orbit and moons wasn't enough. X had waited so long for this moment, and now he finally had power. Control. On the outskirts of the solar system, he could do nothing but watch them all like some sort of soap opera, hating all of them for being so oblivious to his pain and anger. So now, he wanted to…shake things up a bit. He quickly learned that with a few words, he could get his way. The sun had forgotten about him for so long, and the others never even knew about his existence, so it was easy to manipulate and guilt trip them into obeying his every command.
Sure, some of them were harder to sway than others, but X didn't let that bring his spirits down.
And sure, maybe changing everyone’s orbits was a tad bit harsh, but…Saturn deserved it, right? If anything, he was doing him a favour by moving him closer to his precious Jupiter. Those two just couldn’t stay apart, could they? So desperate to be near each other, that Jupiter even crossed the asteroid belt and lied about the outcome just so he could be with his beloved.
Love.
X had never felt love. Not on the receiving end, at least. Not since the day he woke up and gazed into his star’s eyes, surrounded by warmth and the illusion of safety.
Then he was thrown out. Discarded. Rejected.
It wasn't his fault. None of it was. He had tried to do the right thing by telling the sun the truth. He did the right thing by returning and getting rid of Jupiter. He did the right thing by standing up against the moons who threatened to take his victory away from him. He had earned this! No one had the right to take this from him, not after waiting for so long. Alone. With nothing but the cold, dark claws of empty space wrapping around his heart and soul.
Maybe that darkness still lingered inside him.
Maybe that was the reason you hurt-
But…it was the right choice…? He had to take necessary measure to maintain his place, his power.
Who cares if some moons got hurt in the process? X was right. X is always right and everyone else is wrong. Because X had been through so much and that made him superior to everyone else. His actions were justified.
Or at least, he thought so.
You never even tried to talk to Jupiter, or Saturn, or-
Proteus was his first ever friend. Funny, when X was younger, he thought that Saturn would be his first friend. He had seemed nice enough when they first met, smiling and offering to introduce him to Jupiter.
Jupiter, who ruined everything.
Jupiter, who took away his happiness, his hopes for a happy childhood.
Jupiter, who was just as scared of being replaced as X was.
During his time observing the solar system, X had tried to think of reasons as to why Jupiter did what he did. Jealousy? Fear? Hatred? Or simply…a lack of respect and acknowledgment for the smaller, blue ice giant who had strutted up to him that day expecting to make a new friend.
He preferred that last option. It gave him a true reason to be mad and meant that Jupiter was really as bad as the twisted version he had created in his head over the years.
But…that wasn't the reason-
Shut up.
When that little moon had first asked to be friends, X felt…confused. He had never been asked that before, except for the times he would make up those stupid scenarios in his head in which Jupiter and Saturn were nicer, and they would all get along and live happily.
But…here he was. A small, bubbly moon whom X had no past with, asking to be there with him. For a brief second, he was…actually happy.
But you just had to ruin it, didn't you?
Was that what he was feeling now? A blank slate in which to write a new story with. A new planet (is he even a planet?) to make a history with. Maybe. Maybe he could be better this time.
So, you admit there was something wrong with you?
It hurt to admit it, but during his time wandering through the Kuiper Belt and Oort Cloud after leaving Jupiter behind, he had come up with a new reason as to why what happened did happen in the first place.
Jupiter was scared of the sun; he had told X that much. X was wrong to think that they had all forgotten about him, when in fact Jupiter had been living with the guilt of what he did for millennia.
X hadn't necessarily done anything wrong in the past, except maybe pressuring Jupiter into confessing.
But he had been neglectful towards Jupiter’s suffering in his absence. He had reasons to be mad, that was non-negotiable. But he failed to understand that guilt could hurt just as bad.
He had returned to the solar system and just amplified that. Made Jupiter feel worse for his actions.
But he deserved it…didn't he?
X really thought he was fixing things. He wanted to fix things, but his own way. His idea of ‘fixing things’: bringing justice to those who hurt him.
But maybe he had been a bit closed-minded. And maybe that was the real reason everything went to hell.
“Nothing will make up for what I did…”
Jupiter had sounded so…broken. And X hated it. Hated how Jupiter had the nerve to act all sad when X was the one who suffered the most. Hated that…he still had enough empathy left to maybe even feel a tiny bit bad for the gas giant who had been standing in front of him.
He was meant to hate him.
He probably still does.
He just…has a different perspective now.
Why are you even thinking about him? You left him-…all of them behind…
WISE was about the same size as Jupiter, just a lot more…blue. You could probably also say that about his personality. In contrast to Jupiter's more sociable, open self (although, X hadn't spent much time with him as of late, it was hard to decipher what he was really like nowadays), WISE was a lot more…laid back? Cold?
Closer to X’s personality in some ways, but definitely not all.
But appearance-wise? He was pretty much identical in size to Jupiter and even had similar atmospheric bands. And most importantly, he was someone X could have a fresh start with. Just like in the imaginary scenes where he and Jupiter would become friends from the start.
But he's not Jupiter, is he?
Why are you thinking about him again-
Sure, it had been a bit…frightening when WISE had used his gravity on X like that, but that’s okay, right? Friends have the right to get upset at you, don't they?
It had all felt too similar though. WISE was like a replica of Jupiter but with even more gravitational strength.
Although there was no star system to be ejected from, no friends to lose and be forced to leave behind, X had felt that same panic as the day he was thrown out by Jupiter.
That can all be forgotten about though.
Friends always forgive each other…that’s what Proteus said, right?
Then why didn't Proteus forgive him? Why…why doesn't X forgive himself?
Does X even know himself?
All he could feel was a gaping void where his sense of self should be.
Well, that was okay. He was about to fill that void soon.
The problem with not knowing yourself is that, when you’re alone, you don't even have your own mind to keep you company. So, you cling to the first person you find, desperate for a connection to prove that you're real. That you exist.
It feels great in the moment. Like a rope pulling you out of water, saving you from drowning.
But eventually, the rope will burn and cut your hands, and holding on will grow more painful with every passing day-
Now isn't the time to think negatively.
He was on a little adventure with some new exoplanets, travelling around the galaxy to who-knows-where. And maybe, just maybe, he could finally live that life he wanted when he was at his lowest. He would have a home, friends and a purpose in the universe.
He was excited, really. The void is a lot nicer when you have someone to share it with.
…
He would never admit to himself that he wishes he never left the warmth of his star.