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Mike and the party usually went to the cafeteria for their lunch break.
…except when Mike's stomach started to twist and he suddenly felt so tired and every noise around him would multiply until it’s all just too painful to just ignore. These times were… different. Today was one of those days, which sucked because the boys needed to plan their next D&D campaign on this break but, oh well.
They sat, all of them at their usual spot around the table : Mike on the side of the wall, Will in front of him, Lucas and Dustin next to them and Max being of course at the end of the table, she doesn’t like when they talk about D&D and always roll her eyes when they get too deep into nerdy stuff which was always astonishing to Mike because why did she even join their group again, if she finds them annoying?
Like usually, Mike needed a distraction to leave. These weird lunch moments were getting a bit more regular lately but he had always found a way to get out of the table with ease. He would say that he needed to pee, then Lucas would make a stupid joke about how his tiny penis was the reason he needed to go to the toilet so often. Or he would say that he’s not hungry, or that he had late homeworks to finish, that he had already eaten, or that he would eat later. Yep, these ones usually worked.
“Hey guys?” Mike started, feigning his usual energetic expression as he slowly got up.
“Just gonna pee, m coming back real quick.”
Today he chose the toilet excuse, which wasn’t totally a lie since he usually actually went to the toilet when he left. It’s pretty much the only place at school where he felt like he could breathe, at least metaphorically.
Everyone around the table pretty much didn’t acknowledge Mike, which was good. Lucas and Dustin kept teasing each other, while pretty much fighting for Max’s attention who was smirking silently as she watched the two idiots in front of her. That meant the way was clear. But as he began to leave, he glanced back, just for a moment, and that’s when he met Will’s eyes. He was staring at Mike as he was leaving, but Mike felt as if, for some reason… he knew. But it was only for a second so he probably imagined things. His head was hurting like hell anyway.
~ - - - - - - ~
Will was silent, like usually, since it happened. He began to just enjoy analysing things, people around him. He found it kind of interesting actually. Found himself staring, sometimes for a lot of time, noticing how each person had their very distinctive way of walking, or how much hands could tell about a person. And he did it with strangers, but with his friends as well, something he didn’t like to admit though.
So he stared at Mike from time to time. Not that much. At least he was trying to tell himself that. That would be weird, even if Mike was handsome, and that was a fact, (He was already very popular with the girls in pre-K.) staring at your male best friend for too long and examining their mimics would be considered wrong, and weird.
But then he noticed,
noticed how he slowly changed.
How, from time to time, Mike would feel almost invisible, wither.
It had been more than a year since Will was back to being himself and everything was close to normal again. Eleven seemed fine too, even if at first her and Mike were kind of annoying, they had recently broken up, he thinks, and it didn't look too painful for them, they told themselves that they were better as friends anyway. Everything felt fine. Great, even.
But for some reason, Mike was acting weird. And he didn’t want to talk about it. Of course Will noticed how he started to skip lunch more and more often. But he never addressed it. Sometimes he came back, other times Will had to clean Mike’s tray himself, they still never talked about it.
In times like these, Will could see how Mike smiled brightly but then would turn his head and drop everything. He could see the way he sounded more tired, his dark circles widening just enough for someone like Will to notice. And Will knew what it was like to be quiet. So when the whole party was together, Mike could be quiet. And he and Will would share looks that sometimes meant “Are you okay?” or “I know what it's like.” And Mike would nod very slowly.
~ - - - - - - ~
This time, Will had enough. He couldn’t let Mike alone. He was tired of seeing his best friend drifting away slowly more and more and just witnessing it without doing anything. He needed to help him.
Will rose up, his hands on the table. Maybe a little bit too strongly because it made the whole table shake and everyone around the table turning to stare at him.
“Is everything…ok?” Max asked, everyone looked concerned.
Will stepped away from the table.
- “Yeah, yeah, no it’s…fine. It’s just been a while since Mike left, I’m just gonna see if he’s fine.”
The three left nodded hesitantly, and shared looks. And just before he left, Will took the slice of apple pie that was on Mike's tray as well as a carton of milk, just in case.
~ - - - - - - ~
Mike rushed to the bathroom, his heart racing. He didn’t run, but he was out of breath. He locked himself in the biggest stall and sat down, holding his chest as he tried to breathe. There wasn’t much noise since pretty much every student was somewhere else, eating. But the previous sounds and voices loudly bouncing against his skull still resonated in his head.
He stayed there, on the floor. Each time it happened, he never knew how long he sat there. It seemed like in these moments, time was never right. That it wasn’t real, it never passed the same way, almost like by going here, he opened some sort of drift that made time go so slow and yet so fast.
But then he heard a voice. A familiar one. And it was like all of his insides fell into the depth of earth.
“Mike?” Asked Will, slowly opening the washroom door and looking around. “Are you here?”
Mike told himself that he should be quiet. He didn't want anyone to see him like that. Especially not Will. But something happened, he made a noise. Almost like a whine mixed with his shaky breaths and when he looked down he saw tears on his sweater.
When did he start crying?
Will must have noticed because Mike heard light footsteps walking in his direction.
And something got triggered inside of him. He was scared. He didn't want to be vulnerable like that. He couldn’t. He wasn’t supposed to.
Mike quickly moved back against the far wall of the stall and held his head onto his knees while gently rocking himself. Maybe then he'll go away. He just had to wait.
“Mike…? Are you okay?” He knocked gently on the door.
-”Go away.” Mike wanted to say, but all he could do was let out whines as he hyperventilated.
-”Shit. okay…” He breathed out "Hey Mike?” Will's voice was soft.
Will could hear him through the door, struggling to breathe. And he needed to do something.
-”Listen to me. I’m right here, okay? You…” Will kneeled in front of the door, not wanting to peek underneath, but just sat there, his hand against it like he was trying to feel Mike on the other side.
“You’re going to try to breathe with me, ok?”
Will still didn’t hear a clear response, but he assumed Mike was following.
-”Okay.” Will breathed out, holding the door firmly.
“Breathe in… Hold… Then Breathe out…” He repeated, a couple of times.
After some time, when he heard Mike’s breathing getting steadier, he sighed with relief. “That’s it ! Good !!”
Despite how Mike hated that Will heard him like that, being vulnerable, he couldn’t lie that he was a little glad his best friend was here.
Mike held his chest, still working on steadying his breathing. -”I- Will, I-”
-”Hey, hey! shh It’s okay, just… Take your time.” Will smiled.
He shifted, sitting in a better position, his back against the door but still looking towards Mike’s direction to make sure he could hear him.
After a silence filled with Mike’s breathing that became more and more subtle, and the muffled sounds of some students outside, Will spoke again.
“Do you remember that time in 2nd grade when you fell down so hard your knee bled through your jeans?” he started.
“You were so determined to convince us you were fine that you just stayed silent. You didn’t even cry. You didn’t say anything, and for the rest of the day you had all of your shoe, sock and left side of your pants covered in blood.”
“When you came back the next day you wore a brace and you had crutches.
You kept it for three months.”
Mike chuckled then sniffed, which made Will smile from his side of the door.
“Oh, so you do remember?”
-”Of course I do.” Mike's voice cracked as he laughed.
“It hurted like hell.”
Will snorted.
Then there was a time.
-“Hey Mike?”
-“Yeah…?”
-”Can I come in?”
Silence.
Will heard the sound of clothes shuffling behind the door and he stood up, hearing the lock gently opening and Mike’s head coming out from the slightly ajar door.
-“Sorry.” Mike whispered.
Will immediately put the pie down next to the milk carton and rushed to take Mike in his arms. Mike was surprised but hugged him back harder.
-”No. I’m sorry I haven’t said anything. I noticed you weren’t feeling good sometimes and I didn’t say anything, and I should’ve…-” Will spoke into the other's shoulder.
Mike broke the hug, holding him by his arms.
-”Will, it’s okay. You aren’t responsible for anything… It’s just…” he huffed “complicated.”
Will pointed shyly to the ground inside of the stall, inviting Mike to sit back down, this time both on the same side of the door. They sat. Mike against the far wall of the toilet and Will perpendicularly to him, on the other wall.
Mike stared down for a moment, then noticed the pie underneath the door.
-”Is that…?”
Will followed Mike’s eyes and looked back.
-”oh, yeah ! I brought you a piece of pie. I told myself since you haven’t eaten you might be hungry and everything…” He said as he slid the plate underneath the door as well as the milk carton and put it down in front of Mike.
As Will turned back to face Mike, his face was red, tears sliding on his cheeks slowly.
“Hey Mike, no, no! I’m sorry I… Did I say something? I didn’t mean…”
-”Thank you… For being here.” Mike answered, trying to hide his tears by rubbing his face and wiping his nose against the sleeve of his sweater.
-”Oh.” Will smiled shyly, rubbing his neck. “Well, hey. Remember, crazy together, right?”
-”Crazy together.” His voice cracked as he did a small smile.
“Damnit… Sorry I’m stupid for crying I shouldn’t-” He brought his knees closer to his chest.
- “It’s okay. I cry too sometimes.” Will tried to reassure him.
-“Yeah, I know but… It’s different, y’know? You… you are you. And I’m supposed to be the “strong” one, the leader the…y’know…I don’t cry.” He shrugs.
-“Yeah, I- I guess I’m the weak one then, eh?” Will’s eyes filled with tears as well.
-“No! That’s not what I meant !! You know that’s not… It’s just that I’m supposed to protect you, not the other way around. That’s always what we…we do.” His voice weakened.
Will held his hands firmly together.
-”I get it… But-” He sighs “I don’t need to be protected, Mike. You need to open up more. I really feel like I’m the only one who dares to share what I really feel in the group, and… I feel…” He groaned, his hands in his hair. “...I feel like a mistake, Mike. Maybe I’m different, or maybe boys CAN cry too! you know? But also I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t share what’s wrong. You’re not ok, Mike. You have to talk to me, we talked about it… remember? I won’t tell anyone. I just…” He cried. “Damnit Mike, just tell me what’s wrong !” He breathed heavily.
Mike just stared at Will’s face, his eyebrows furrowed. He put his chin on his knees, that were against his chest, and his arms around them, his eyes staring.
And it's familiar, familiar like that day in the rain all over again. Except this time, Mike won't mess up.
Will held his arm, awkward, and avoided Mike’s look, his voice getting out a little harsh against his will.
“Is… Is this about El?”
Mike raised his head and an eyebrow, surprised about the question, and making his usual disgusted-like facial expression, the one he used to make whenever people talked about girls.
-”What? No.” He pauses. “I'm good. I- I mean, we're good. You know we are, as friends I mean.”
-”Oh…” Will was kind of relieved that he wouldn’t have to give advice to Mike about asking out a girl. It was kind of torture for him if he was being honest.
Mike sighed.
“I'm sorry, Will.”
Will looked away.
“I mean it… really. I just…” He sighed and breathed, trying to steady his breath and not cry again.
“It feels so…easy for you to share what you feel. And I can't. I don't want to be vulnerable, because if the protector becomes the one that needs to be protected, who will protect everyone else?”
Will stimmed with the sleeve of his shirt.
-"It's not “easy” to share. And yeah, I guess it is …different for me. But it's not about protecting, Mike.”
He paused to look at Mike and make sure he was looking at him too.
He was.
“...It's about sharing. And sharing what you feel doesn't make you weak. It's okay to not feel okay sometimes. Everyone does.”
Mike nodded, and felt his throat tightening when he swallowed.
-”Thank you, Will.”
Will smiled.
-”So… Do you wanna talk about it? I promise you'll feel a little better after you do.”
Mike straightened his back against the wall and took a deep breath, while unconsciously shifting a little closer to Will.
-"y-yeah. Hum… It’s a little bit…complicated. But uhm.” He gulped, his throat still stuck, as he stimmed with the corner of his sweater. “It has been hard for me to eat…lately. Like, my throat is… stuck. I just can't eat. And even if I'm hungry I just… can't. Sometimes I'll try to eat but the textures won’t feel right or my stomach will twist. I don't know why.”
Will nodded, listening carefully.
“And also sometimes it's not just about eating but my whole…perception of things. It's weird, but I often feel like I feel everything SO much more than other people. The sounds much more loudly, the light much more brightly, everything so much-”
-”Intensely.” Will mumbled.
Mike glanced at Will and they shared looks.
-”Yeah...”
-”Like sometimes,, earlier, I mean, did it feel too much? Like everything became blurry, you didn't know what was real anymore, and you couldn't breathe…?”
Mike nodded silently, his eyes wide.
Will smiled, looking down.
“Yeah, I know what that's like.”
Will looked up and they shared looks again, then Mike put his hand on Will's, just like they did when they were kids. But this time, maybe it was different.
They looked at each other, and it was warm, filled with fondness.
They didn’t talk, but they didn’t need to, because with a look they could say everything they wanted to.
-“It does feel good.” Mike laughed lightly. “To share what I feel.”
-”Yeah.” Will hesitated, but then took Mike's hand properly into his, squeezing it gently as he blushed.
Mike glanced back and forth from their hands to Will's face, flustered.
The air shifted, heavy with unsaid feelings. Mike leaned closer, so slowly it felt almost unconscious, his eyes now stuck on Will’s lips as his mouth was slightly opened.
Their mouths were a couple of inches apart, when Mike glanced back at Will’s eyes again. Will could feel Mike’s breath on his lips, making his whole body shiver.
-”I- is this okay?” Mike Whispered.
Will nodded, his eyes wide open.
Their lips brushed, and Will pushed into it, putting his hand on Mike’s cheek carefully.
The kiss was gentle, intimate and sweet. Mike tilted his head slightly, leaning into Will.
When they moved back, they were both smiling.
They didn’t really know what any of what happened meant, but they just knew that they just cared so much about each other. They loved each other.
After some time, staring at each other longingly in silence, Will looked away, glancing at the floor, then back up at Mike again, smirking.
-”So… How about we eat that pie?”