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"I want to love you, Yubin."
Saying that ever so absent-mindedly...
You didn't change, Jeong Hyerin.
A movie played on the screen before Hyerin's eyes. Her gaze did not steer away from it even as she spoke. It was a jarring show of disinterest, specially acted out for Yubin to see. The breathtaking aerial view from the window seat was a subpar distraction. It was impossible for Yubin to dissolve her consciousness in the clouds.
Apparently, two whole years of separation could prove completely futile. Fate was cruel enough to reunite Yubin and Hyerin on the same flight - and worse still, it had them stuck in seats next to each other. Just a few hours ago, the older girl was bubbling with anticipation at the thought of a new life in France. However, all of that exuberance had already dissipated.
According to Yubin's watch, the time was 2.08 am back home in Korea. Even so, Hyerin's mere presence was enough to keep her awake. The younger girl being in close proximity was now a foreign concept. Yubin had shoved it into her mind's deepest crevice two years ago - only for the memories and feelings to resurface like hungry ghosts.
Credits started to roll on Hyerin's in-flight screen, signalling the movie's conclusion. Only then did she detach her sight from it. Her attention shifted to her phone, which had a glittery black case in place of the purple Kuromi one Yubin remembered. Hyerin switched the device on. Its lockscreen showed her leaning into someone's embrace.
Fragile glass shattered within Yubin. It pierced through her delicate heart, which disintegrated rapidly - sinking to the bottom of her feet in milliseconds. The sensation was nothing less than familiar, in that she had felt it on the day Soomin confessed to Hyerin.
Hyerin's gaze lingered on her lockscreen. Yubin recognised raw, earnest and ravenous longing in the younger girl's irises. After all, she herself was no stranger to the ways in which yearning ate away at life.
"It'd be so much easier for us if I could love you back," Hyerin looked up from her phone. A spark ignited in Yubin, restlessly waiting for the younger girl to meet her eyes. Alas, there was no such thing. Hyerin was visibly focusing on the view outside the plane's window. "The thing is, I don't know how."
Distant was the only way to put it. Hyerin was so close, yet so far away. Two years ago, Yubin would have never expected their paths to diverge. Hyerin's presence had been a constant back then. It was something Yubin had taken for granted - in the most foolish way possible.
I want to escape.
"You're just saying that because of Soomin. I tried to warn you about her, but...I doubt you ever listened," Yubin deadpanned. She observed as Hyerin willed her lips into an upward curve. The stiffly held smile was nothing if not misplaced, and Yubin resisted the urge to wipe it off her face. "Are you sure you're not hurting yourself?"
Yubin was selfish. She had long since accepted the undisputed fact. After all, her months of wallowing in self-resentment had only failed to change it. Soomin's latest Instagram posts had hinted at her interest in Yeonji. Thus, it seemed perfectly reasonable that Yubin was worried for Hyerin’s heart.
However, the older girl was unable to dispel a gnawing realisation. What she had convinced herself to be friendly concern had always been a facade. It unravelled glacially, and Yubin found herself pitying Hyerin before she knew it. The younger girl chased unavailable feelings - whilst ignoring the pair of open arms waiting for her. Yubin thought the situation was a laughably sorry one.
It was not because she was selfish. It was definitely not because said open arms were her own. It was simply because she hated Hyerin's stupid decisions.
"What do you mean by that? Even if Soomin hurts me, she heals me more to make up for it," Hyerin's tone was sharp and defensive, clawing at the void in which Yubin's heart used to beat. "If anyone's trying to burn themselves, it's literally just you. Stop acting like you're any better, Yubam."
The nickname - though once affectionate - now manifested in the form of astringent poison. It spewed passionately from Hyerin's once familiar lips, threatening to burn the ground beneath Yubin's existence such that she would fall through. Perhaps, the younger girl had only been right all along. Yubin was equally as stupid, if not more so than her.
What kind of person longs for the unattainable? Apparently, it's both of us.
The airplane was due to land in an hour. Yubin was about to realise her culinary dream in France. She was going to start a restaurant, and make friends with new colleagues and neighbours. Her life was soon to deviate from Hyerin's - their paths fated to never converge again.
It'll be a waste if tonight slips away.
"Then stop me. Pretend I'm not here. Pretend it's Soomin sitting next to you."
Guilt instantly caught up with Yubin's words, reproaching her selfishness for rearing its ugly head. It incarnated itself in a wild beast, rendering her defenseless with no way to tame it. Yubin understood that she was wrong. Her senses succumbed to yearning, only to reawaken in unimaginably despicable ways. There was absolutely nothing right about it. It did not help that Hyerin's heart lay in the hands of another girl.
Despite that, Yubin could not summon the willpower to stop herself.
"Just love me...as if I were Soomin."
"You're insane," Hyerin's gaze panned to Yubin, eyes wide open as she stared incredulously. However, none of that mattered when she was finally looking at Yubin. Hyerin had cast a spell on the older girl, hypnotising her with gravity's irresistible pull. Yubin was trapped - with not even the slightest chance of escaping.
Hyerin tore her line of sight away. The euphoria lasted seconds before crumbling all too soon. The younger girl was merciless in that sense, and Yubin thought it complemented her own selfishness well.
I'm sorry for not being her.
"You're insane...Sooms," Hyerin paused. Her breath hitched before she continued, voice dropping to a saccharine whisper. "In the cutest way possible."
A radiant smile bloomed across Hyerin's face. Her affection was a mere show - practised to perfection without holding emotion. Yubin hated how loved she felt. Craving a lie was frightening, and satiating that craving filled voids which only grew deeper. The pain of self-restraint chipped away at Yubin.
This isn't even mine to receive.
I'm sorry for wanting more.
"Hyebam, I-" Yubin's words sat at the back of her throat, stubbornly refusing to be heard. The atmospheric pressure rised in an instant. Hyerin stifled a chuckle, seemingly oblivious to the awkward shift. To her, Yubin was probably a game she had to focus on and win.
"Who's Hyebam? I thought you called me Rine," Hyerin drawled nonchalantly. "Anyways, I know exactly what you wanna say. You told me that far too many times to count."
Yubin felt the gentle press of a knit sweater against her form. Hyerin was leaning to the right, her head resting comfortably in the crook of Yubin's neck. It fitted like a puzzle piece. Undeserved warmth diffused into the older girl's skin, settling in its very depths. In that moment, she was no longer Gong Yubin.
She was temporarily Kim Soomin, grounding force of Hyerin's universe - and lucky ruler of her heart. She was now Sooms, who affectionately nicknamed Hyerin 'Rine' instead of 'Hyebam'. Yubin loved being Soomin more than anything. Losing herself in the illusion was the least of her worries.
Hyerin let out a yawn as her eyelids flitted shut. Tranquility took over her being, causing her to go limp against Yubin's shoulder. The sight did nothing to quell the older girl's racing heartbeat. Hyerin was more than near enough to hear it. She was too close, and everything about that was supposed to be wrong.
So why did it feel innately right to Yubin?
Her pulse throbbed in her neck where Hyerin's head was nested, syncing with the rise and fall of the younger girl's shoulders. For now, Gong Yubin and Jeong Hyerin were twin rhythms - only because the lie felt true enough to be savoured.
Yubin had thirty minutes. The flight was landing in thirty minutes. She was going to be Soomin for thirty more minutes. Time remained unbothered, slipping further from Yubin's reach. Hyerin was going to love her for thirty meagre minutes.
"I love you, Rine," Yubin murmured faintly, wrapping her palm around Hyerin's warm wrist. It was a welcome relief from the aircraft's chilly temperature.
Hyerin did not respond. However, Yubin could swear she felt her steady heartbeat. Their pulses ebbed and flowed in tandem, weaving a lullaby too ethereal for a lie. Yubin closed her eyes, feigning oblivion to the slight dampness amassing within them.
I'm sorry, Hyebam.
I'm sorry for making myself cry.