Chapter Text
Lilith was back.
And she was coming, to the hotel, in a week.
Lucifer bit the rim of his hat as he paced the lobby. Why now?
After 8 odd years of not being there, why now? After everything that's happened...and where has she been? He had searched all over Hell in the first few decades before the depression set in. Had he missed her by accident? Had he somehow-
A familiar, VERY ANNOYING voice broke Lucifer from his thoughts.
"My, my! What's got the king in such a bind? Lost your pen? Or is it your daughters faith in you that you've finally misplaced?"
Lucifer sighed and tugged his hat back on his head. Great. Just what he needed.
"No, but I do wish it was you that would disappear. What do you want, Bambi?"
The demon waved a hand, a smug grin on his face. "Oh, nothing, Your Majesty, just seeing what's got you all out of sorts. Though, you're like that most of the time. Could it be your absent wife's long awaited return, perhaps?"
Lucifer blinked, then spun around to face the deer. "Uh, what? You can't... You shouldn't know about that! Charlie only told me and Vaneva!"
"I have my ways~" Alastor sing-songed, looking down on him. "And you still can't seem to remember your daughter's paramour's name!"
"What? Of course I can! It's...Vanessa?"
"Wrong again, Sire! Is your old age starting to catch up to you?"
"WHAT?!? In a human life span, I'd be in my thirties!"
"Then you must have some sort of memory loss. You are quite forgetful."
"Well, YEAH. I'm millinea years old. I've got a lot to store up here." He bonked his fist against his head.
"I thought something as important as that would've made its way to the top of the list, but it seems I was mistaken. Have you only enough mental capacity to bend head over heels for your daughter and bicker with me?"
"That's not fair! I've met countless people with a " V" name. Plus, this isn't Charlie's first date, so it gets to be a lot to put straight. "
"To me, it sounds like you don't even care to remember it. How inconsiderate," Alastor remarked, still keeping that smug smile on his face.
Lucifer nearly exploded. Literally. And it wouldn't have been the first time if he had. "I'm trying! At least I actually help out around here and make an effort! What do you even do, watch the madness?" He needed to gain ground, and quickly, otherwise he'd lose. And he was NOT a loser.
"Oh please, I do plenty. I defend the hotel, as you are unable to, I do the majority of advertising, and not to mention the more managerial side of things. You, however, have barely done anything other than grace us with your annoying presence."
"Yes, but if I wasn't here, than neither would this hotel. And you, to be fair. You would be...up in Heaven...and we can't have that, can we?" KEEP IT TOGETHER. HE WOULDN'T BE IN HEAVEN EVEN IF YOU HAD NEVER cursed humanity forever...DONE THAT THING YOU DID.
"Oh, but causing destruction and chaos in paradise would be such fun! All those exterminator angels screaming and begging for their lives would be most entertaining!"
Lucifer scoffed. "If I never existed and you were in Heaven, you couldn't even consider causing anyone harm."
"Well, now we're just in hypothetical territory now, aren't we? Dwelling on the what ifs aren't a good use of time, Your Majesty. I have a job to get back to, and I believe you have some more worrying to do."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. So long as you leave me alone. I need to prepare this place for Lil. Oh! Starting with the bar...."
"I'm afraid you'll have to consult Husker with that matter, given that he is the bartender. And something tells me our dear Queen wouldn't particularly want to drink with us lowly sinners."
Lucifer scoffed and folded his arms. "Yeah, well it's clear you've never met her. She loves chatting with you people, especially at public bars when everyone's drunk and having a good time. And more likely to spill secrets, if need be."
Alastor's smile widened, a scheming gleam in his eyes. "Oh ho! Secrets you say?"
Lucifer rolled his eyes. "Yeah, for, like, politics shit and such. I don't know, I never really paid attention. She'd just make a plan of action and I'd go along with it. Simple as that."
"Well, I'll be sure to see if she'll share some more...private information," he said, smile somehow widening even more.
"Okay, now I know you've gone insane. She'd never talk to a stuck-up, violence-addicted bitch like you."
"Well, a few kind words can go a long way, Sire. Many have found me charming and charismatic, and I'm sure the Queen will be no different if she found something in you."
Lucifer laughed, sarcasm dripping off his every word. "Oh, the BIG FUCKING RADIO DEMON, the person who EATS PEOPLE FOR FUN AND THEN LAUGHS AT THEIR SCREAMS. Yeah, he's a real gentleman."
"Why thank you!" The sinner said, walking away. " Now, I must be off! Ta ta!"
WHA-?! THE FUCKING BITCH!! That-
"THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMPLIMENT, DUMBASS!!!" UGH. That fucking deer. Always pissing him off...Doesn't he have anything better to do?!
...like preparing for Lilith's arrival. Because she's coming. IN SEVEN DAYS. OH SHIT HE HAS STUFF TO DO. STUPID ALASTOR, DISTRACTING HIM!!!
Why was he always getting up his business? Why the fuck was he even here if he just wanted to mess with him? UGH!
So where were...? Right. Bar. Gotta do some upgrades. Ask the bartender for permission on some things. Possibly try to learn his name. On it!
Lucifer disappeared in a flame of Hellfire, leaving the hallway empty with nothing but echoes of a battle.
And, maybe, possibly, a small, deer-shaped shadow, giggling to itself at Lucifer's frustration.