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Love.
Dazai’s fingers tightened around the corpse’s hands, spinning as the melodies of despair and misery filled his ears. His coat swayed as the body pulled him close.
There was nowhere to turn. Dazai glanced at the edges of his fuzzy vision. Laughing faces lined the walls of his apartment. They scoffed and spit, relishing in his suffering.
How ugly.
The corpse pulled away, sending Dazai to his knees, clawing at the ground to get back up. Fingers dug into the board gaps of the apartment floor. The flooring seemed to melt in his grasp.
A short laugh bubbled in his throat.
“How awful!” He hissed, shoving himself back up. A stab of pain flashed through his head at the movement, sending him crashing back into the ground with a yelp.
His body started to melt, becoming one with the floor. Dazai yanked his arm back in a panic. His body was scattered. Torn to shreds, left carelessly along the floor.
Ah? Was this justice for all his evil doings? Dazai bit back another laugh, eyes roaming the ceiling as he clawed at the ground.
No matter what he did, he’d never escape this hole. It was where he belonged. Trapped, screaming and kicking as the devil dragged him into the pits of hell.
Dazai’s wrists stung. Blue seeped from his bandage, pooling onto the melting floor. It was almost like a waterfall flowing from Dazai’s bones, dripping and splashing as it hit the ground.
Ah he was so lonely. His hands felt tied by the invisible rope of isolation. Isolation he himself caused. What a pathetic sight.
He was obsessed, obsessed with the pain of loneliness creeping into his already shattered heart. Picking it apart as the faces screamed and hollered at him.
Dazai’s hand brushed the empty bottle, sending it scattering across the overturned desk. His fist slammed into it, splintering the wood. It sent sharp pains through his knuckles. Dazai dragged himself up, swaying slightly as his fist collided with the wood once more.
“Break!” He yelled, a manic smile plastered on his face. Break like his body. Break, break, break, break.
The words chimed into his head until his fists were a deep stormy blue. He let out a loud huff pulling away from the broken desk.
Was this a punishment for his crimes? His crime… His crime was being born.
Oh he had to fix that! He couldn’t let a criminal live so long!
At the thought the room went deathly silent. The sneering faces shut up, lips zipping as he reached for the rope tied around the fan.
Dazai panted as he tore at the rope, fingers digging into the rough material. A small voice in the back of his head screamed.
Aha! Dazai couldn’t remember their faces! Who was it he looked to when death called his name?! He couldn’t….Did it even matter? He was doing that mysterious voice a favor.
Ahhh he couldn’t see, the world was blending into a mess of bright vibrant pinks and blues with a dash of yellow and green here and there.
Nothing was left for him. No one would come for him.
The faces screamed with delight, their mouths zipping open as they shrieked. Dazai let out a low groan, head swimming as he tried to step onto the chair settled down under the rope. The faces disappeared, silence filling the room once more.
Oh it was just how Dazai imagined. His death on display for the masses. Hanging by the threads of broken love.
There was nothing left anyway…
Was this an impulse? His hands twitched as he climbed up onto the chair with a huff. So close…
Lie.
Was he lying to himself? He deserved to be lied to. His own lies were scattered about, infecting every good soul who tried to help him.
His promise… Odasaku, that tiny voice calling him away from the rope. Dazai ignored it, eyes trained onto the rope in front of him.
If he died, he could be with Odasaku again. Surely…if he didn’t go to hell that is.
Dazai’s wrists thumped against the chair sending sparks of hot unfiltered pain through his body. He slumped over the chair groaning in pain.
He was melting once more, the chair falling with a clang. His body felt as limp as a noodle.
God how he hated humanity. He was so far from them. He couldn’t be with them anymore. He had to get away. The brightness of the Agency burned him with each step.
He couldn’t resist the urges now. Dazai’s hands slipped around. HIs body was mostly still except for his flailing hands.
He had to disappear. He had to.
“Quickly now…” He chirped, voice strained but light and melodious. His fingers brushed over the stained blue floor. So many ways to end it today…
A knife, a pill, the rope. Which shall Dazai pick today?
He groaned, pulling himself into a ball, concealing his face from the eyes staring at him.
“Please..” He groaned, fingers digging into his deep brown hair.
His eyes traveled around the room, coming across the mirror. He looked mad. Had he gone crazy?
Dazai coughed, shoving himself to his feet, blue staining his shirt. For a second he wondered if anyone was coming to save him.
As expected, no one did.
Of course he didn’t hold an ounce of ill will towards the agency for not noticing this sooner. He couldn’t blame them. He was an excellent actor.
What was his name again? What did he dream about? Did he have dreams?
He let out a weak sob. Whatever he had taken was really starting to do a number on him.
Maybe he’d overdose and die.
He tried to look around the room once more before his vision died completely, but could only see pixels of a rainbow of pastel colors. The edges of his vision fuzzed worse than before, making over half his vision just fuzzy colors.
His past and his future, it was disappearing with a trace. Would there be anything left of him after the fact?
The edges of the room began to fall with loud deafening crashes. It was all coming down! A part of him wanted to scream for help! The other part soothed him whispering lies of love and safety.
Aha! His brain racked for thoughts, anything to semblance his existence. It found nothing. Memories, ideas, desires, all gone with the snap of a finger.
He giggled weakly, the feeling of something running down his chin startling him from his state. He tried to touch it but missed his face, flopping back to the floor.
Ah he couldn’t remember. His thoughts began to slip even farther, sliding out his mouth and ears, melting into the already squirming floor.
His everything, his body even, was vanishing as he lay there staring at the swirl of colors mocking him into a sweet sweet lullaby.
Oh.
From the start this was going to happen! Everything was gone from the start. He never existed in the first place!
There was nothing at all.
His eyes rolled back as the darkness finally took over. His body went still, blue spilling from the wounds as he lay there.
The edges of his vision slowly faded to black.
There was nothing left.