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I see the result of my actions have led them to throw the keys away. I want you to hear my side of the story before you judge me.I was walking past the neighborhood when I saw the lovely pair of turtledoves by the name of Anita and Roger.I only knew them as Cruella couldn’t stop talking about them.That’s when I saw them.Those two MUTTS that Cruella says would make an absolutely simple coat if their fur were softer.That’s when I get an idea and rush to Hell Hall.I throw the door open as Horace stares at me,dumbfounded as usual.I immediately head to the phone and dial Cruella’s number. As I wait for her to answer, I just think of how proud she’ll be of me.She probably might even begin to reciprocate.I never felt so mushy about someone this way before.She changed that.
As the line clicks, the first words to leave her mouth are “What do you imbeciles want besides attention that you don’t deserve from me or anyone else for that matter?”. I quickly say ”Nevermind all that, woman.You have GOT to hear this. That blasted Anita and Roger have those 2 dogs,right? Well,the lovely mutts are full of more than just Kanine Krunchies.” She responds,”What are you talking about,you stupid man?”.On the last of my nerves,I yell into the receiver,”The dogs are expecting puppies” as I slam the phone into the base.I hear the phone ring shortly after and a smile slowly creeps along my face as I pick up the phone and am about to speak before she interrupts me.”Here’s the plan: 2 days from now,I will happen to be in the neighborhood and stop by for a visit.I will ask how much those insipid creatures are worth and then-the coat will be MINE!”
–----------------------------------------------1 Month Later—------------------------------------
Horace grabbed the puppies as the two dogs and the owners were out on their evening constitutional. As we drove back to Hell Hall,I felt the waves of pride from Cruella roll over me.I’m glad I was in the passenger seat because my mind was focused mainly on Cruella rather than the road. We pull into the driveway and drag the puppies to the sitting room with the rest of the Dalmatians.Eventually,we see this common tabby cat enter and we taunt them a bit. As we start watching our show What’s My Crime, we hear the familiar sound of the front door slamming closed and the sound of heels striking forcefully against the worn,unpolished tile.She lectures us on getting rid of the puppies quickly before the police catch on. We decide to take care of them once we finish our show,but we hear a loud yip and we see the common tabby helping the puppies escape. We race to catch them as they hide in the master suite and underneath,leaving us looking like bumbling imbeciles. Horace and I race to the phone to tell Cruella the puppies escaped. We drive around the countryside looking for them and me suffering through these stupid ideas from Horace about the puppies covering their tracks and hiding under bridges. As we are driving on the road,we are headed straight for Cruella,but we naturally think she’s going to move to the side to let us pass- when we realize we’re on a one lane road. We tried to stop,but she was still heading straight for us,this crazy look in her eyes. In the split second before that oh-so-fateful impact,the look left me in a loving trance as it drew closer to my face.
With Best Regards
P.S. I spoke to Cruella about my feelings and she didn't reciprocate.Everything I did for her.The sacrifices I made for her could never have led to her being remotely attracted to me.Maybe I should’ve let my morals overrule my measly crush for that devil woman.I should’ve stuck to petty theft instead of puppy theft.