Chapter Text
Bitty thought he had it all planned out. Since the talk he and Jack had over skype the day of Jack's graduation, he could see the path of their future rolling out ahead of him. They became boyfriends, secretly, which Bitty agreed to not only because Jack was at the very start of his NHL career, but Bitty himself hadn't even come out to his parents yet.
It had been an easy decision at the time, one he was sure they would eventually change. Maybe when Jack's first year was done, maybe if the Falconers' won the Cup, maybe even they'd wait until Bitty graduated. He could wait, that's what he told himself, that Jack had been plenty worth it, and he was.
Jack's first year had come and gone in what felt like a flash. In the meantime they visited each other as often as possible without raising suspicion, more weekends than not though were spent wistfully looking at each other through the screens of their laptops.
The summer after Bitty's junior year, he came out to his parents. It wasn't as awful as he'd built it up to be in his head, but it certainly wasn't the immediate approval he'd grown so used to at Samwell. After a few tense days, his parents sat him down and told him they loved him no matter what, and really that was all Bitty could hope for. When he told Jack about it after the first night, Jack had been quick to soothe him, spouting praise and comfort to try and reassure him that the response was good. When Bitty settled down a little though, he asked something, his voice a bit stilted, and face hard to read.
"Did you tell them about us?"
"Oh, no, not at all. You know this was all a bit spur of the moment for me, so you and I haven't even talked about that sort of thing yet. Would you... want me to? Or rather I wait?"
Jack didn't answer back immediately, and that was already plenty a response for Bitty. He was quick to follow himself up, not wanting to make Jack actually say it. "Well, maybe I should wait on that, I mean I've already dropped quite the bomb on them after all. And you haven't even told your parents yet either. We can hold off on the 'I've got a secret NHL boyfriend' talk for a while."
Jack's response was a little chuckle, and Bitty noted the instant look of relief that flooded his face. "I guess that's true. We can have those talks later." The conversation switched topics, but Bitty couldn't forget that relieved look on Jack's face, or the question that still burned at the tip of his tongue.
'When?'
--
The next year didn't speed by nearly as quickly as their first together, but it still seemed to move faster than Bitty liked. Graduation snuck up on them before either could really broach the subject, and when Jack came down with the rest of the SMH Alumni, it was just as a 'friend'. Bitty didn't really think about it too much, there was so much happening that needed his attention more, but looking at the pictures on facebook the next day he was filled with a dull disappointment to find none with him and Jack less than an arm's length from each other.
Around the same time as graduation, the Stanley Cup finals had begun. The Falconers had been killing it all season, with Jack really coming into his own as he blazed into his second year as a NHL Pro, and helped bring the team all the way to the final game. Bitty was seated right against the glass, Shitty and Lardo on one side of him, the rest of the Samwell team on the other. Jack had gotten them the tickets in advance, giving them to Bitty to hand over along with sweet kisses and apologies for being unable to put them in the family section.
None of that mattered by the final buzzer, the rink booming with cheers and applause, blue and white confetti and balloons descending onto everyone. Bitty could hardly hear through the cacophony, his own voice adding to it as tears flooded his eyes, joining everyone else in jumping to his feet and celebrating.
The Falconers seemed almost frozen for a moment, before the realization kicked in and they began to lose it, Jack immediately skating over to where Bitty and the others were, hands smacking at the glass. In the midst of it all, Bitty could swear it looked like Jack was trying to say something. His heart was pounding in his ears, had this been it? The moment? But just as quickly as he came over, Jack let himself get pulled away by Tater, the team crowding into each other and hugging as others flooded the ice to begin the Cup awarding ceremony. Bitty watched, a hand clutching at his chest, blinking away tears and smiling widely. Whether the tears were purely from joy and pride, he couldn't quite tell.
--
When all the other milestones they'd gone through had failed to reveal anything major, Bitty had grown to be okay with that. There was one he knew would be coming that couldn't happen without something being said, at least to their parents and friends.
Bitty had graduated, and Jack and Bitty agreed that he should move to Providence come the summer. He'd been sort of bumming it at the haus until any plans were really set in stone, but he knew they'd have to happen soon. The next weekend Jack suggested he come up, Bitty packed a little heavier, hoping to ease the load he'd have to bring next time.
The conversation came up late in the night, as they sat on the couch half-watching a rerun of Kitchen Nightmares. "Have you looked into anything yet?" Jack asked, voice neutral and eyes flickering from the TV to Bitty just once before turning back. Bitty looked up from his comfy spot cuddled into Jack's shoulder, curious.
"Looked into what?"
"...Like uh, plans. For moving to Providence."
"Oh! Well, I figured you could help me just get whatever I've got left at the Haus in your godawful truck, so that's mostly sorted. I've done some job searching, not a lot quite what I'm hoping for but I applied to some bakeries and restaurants nearby."
"That's great, Bits. But what about housing?"
Bitty jolted away like he's been burned. "What?"
"Apartments. I could help you look if you'd like. I know there were some really nice ones I saw on my first home search that were really affordable." When Bitty didn't reply right away, Jack turned toward him fully, brows furrowed. "Bits?"
"I uh... I guess I'd been under the impression I'd be moving in here. With you." A quiet, sheepish laugh followed, eyes downcast and refusing to meet Jack's.
"Oh." Jack murmured, his voice low and rough. The silence swallows them, minutes passing with nothing to break it. "You know I love you, right Bits?" Bitty nodded, his mouth pulling into a tight line that was all too familiar to Jack. "I-I just can't risk it. It's hard enough as it is keeping the place looking like it's just me here with you not actually living here, I don't think it'd be possible if you did."
More silence, then Bitty let out a quiet retort. "Why does it have to?"
"Eh?"
"The only people who visit your apartment besides me are our friends or your parents. Why do we still have to hide from them?"
"Bits..."
"Don't Bits me, Jack. We've talked about this so much, can you blame me for being shocked? I thought when we first got together that me going back into the closet would be a temporary thing. Maybe after your first year, maybe if you win the cup, maybe once I've graduated. Those things have all come and gone now and we haven't even told our parents anything."
Jack was stone-faced, staring down at the coffee table in front of him, hands clutched together in a tight grip. "I know. I'm sorry I've made you go back in the closet for me, I can never repay you for all you do and have done for me." He looked over to Bitty, eyebrows furrowing into a pleading look, as he reached out for the younger man's hands, holding them tightly. "I swear we can do it soon, it's just, this will be my first year with the C coming up and I can't have the possibility of our relationship leaking affecting the team."
Bitty's eyebrows flew up in shock, pulling his hands away. "Affect the team?! What about affecting me? All I asked for was to let those closest to us know, that doesn't have to involve the Falconers at all." His heart was thumping in his ears, mouth moving faster than his brain could actually process. "If the idea of our relationship getting out still scares you that much, maybe there shouldn't be a relationship at all."
Jack looked aghast, scrambling to make contact with Bitty but the blonde hopped up, quickly putting distance between them, rushing off to the bedroom. "Bitty! Bits, please." Was all he could manage to say, voice sounding strained as he hurried after him. Bitty had pulled out one of his overnight bags, and started filling it with everything of his he saw. "Bits, you can't, I-I can't."
"I can and I will, Mister Zimmermann. I am DONE, done being your dirty little secret." He huffed between movements, cramming the flower-printed bag with anything he could get his hands on. "I love you, my god do I love you, but I deserve better than that. I deserve better than this." He sniffled, tears blurring his vision as he moved on to the bathroom.
Jack watched him as he moved around, collecting his things, upset and concern clearly waging war on his face. He watched as Bitty removed his things one by one from their master bathroom, his breath catching in his throat when Bitty grabbed his blue toothbrush from the cup that held both of theirs, leaving Jack's red one all alone. "Bits, please, let's go sit down again. Let's talk, we can work this out."
That got him an angry, watery glare, which he quickly turned away from, guilt flooding into him. "There is nothing to work out, Jack. I want to come out, and you don't. I can't hide anymore, I can't. I wanted nothing more than to show the entire world how happy you made me, but I kept it all quiet for you for years. And now I'm not happy, so I'm doing the only thing I can to try and change it. I'm leaving."
Jack wanted to argue that, to fight, to tell Bitty that nothing else in the world made him feel as good as Bitty did, and he couldn't be so cruel as to take that from him. But that underlying fear that had made a home in his gut reminded him of all he had at stake, all he could lose if the NHL took him coming out badly. So he stayed quiet. He didn't fight for Bitty, despite that being all either of them truly wanted, and watched as Bitty continued emptying what could've been 'their' home of his belongings.
With two bags loaded up with his things, Bitty sat on the curb outside and called an Uber. Jack stood at the door, watching through the window as Bitty's head sunk into his hands, his small body shaking with sobs. Jack blinked hard, rubbing at the tears in his own eyes and turning away when a car pulled up beside Bitty, unable to watch him leave. He couldn't bring himself to shake his fear, and as the car pulled away, he slid to the floor, pressing the palms of his hands to his eyes and wondering if he'd been fearing the wrong thing this whole time.