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He didn’t deserve to be happy; Luciel always reminded himself that.
Ever since he left him, ever since he took on a different identity, all matters of joy meant nothing to him, meant nothing for him. He was expected to wear a mask of many. He was expected to lie from that filthy mouth. Even the smile he wore pained him to this day. Every curve he tugged strained his heart, twisted his stomach. Every laugh he howled screeched roughly into his ears like dull nails scraping against a blackboard. It took him a while to get used to this new life. At times, he still thought of his brother. At night, those thoughts only ate away his slumber.
But he got used to it. He had to get used to it.
He was a filthy sinner. A crook. A thief. A coward.
Luciel didn’t deserve to be happy; that reminder burned deeply inside his brain.
---
These people are useful.
That was the first thing that popped into his mind when he was first introduced to the RFA members. Granted, he only formed and joined this group out of V and Rika’s request. He couldn’t deny them. He owed them. They gave him his freedom. They gave him a second chance in life.
They promised they would take care of his brother, thus the deal was so easily sealed before Luciel could manage a second breath.
But once he joined the foundation, he was surprised to meet a variety of oddballs like him. One looked like a literal angel, though his narcissism obviously matched one of the devil. One was the exact definition of innocent. Or rather, ‘gullible’ would be an appropriate word. He was fun to tease; too fun to tease. For once, Luciel actually found a new joyful source to briefly set him free from the harsh reality. One was calm and collected, though vividly suffering through the many works her fickle boss kept assigning her. She was the only woman in the group, and Luciel saw her nothing more than a sister he never had.
A sister. Luciel once laughed bitterly at the memory of his family.
The final one was emotionless to boot. He was a powerful man, but founded to be stubborn and bizarrely hilarious. Luciel never did intend to delve more about his information, but for some odd reason, he felt as if the cocky corporate heir and he had something in common. It was a faint feeling, a desperate hope, a sense of brittle desire to feel connected with someone.
He had a cat, though! And for once, Luciel felt absolutely giddy to know about their shared interest.
The young heir hated him for going anywhere near Elizabeth 3rd, but that never stopped Luciel.
Yes, these people were meaningful and useful in his pointless life.
---
His life was like an intricate, sickly planned game.
He estimated many things. He prepared many routes. His life was filled with numbers and algorithms. Level One finished; he proceeded to Level Two. Emotions were just masks to him. Feelings were just poison that could rot his soul. His whole life had been planned out as a sick game, and he was the only player.
But he didn’t mind. It’s not like he wasn’t used to it.
His life was a game and he intended to play solo.
That is, until she appeared as the second player.
---
In all his life, Luciel had never felt so frustrated for not being able to solve something.
She was an enigma. A mystery. A sudden player that entered the game unnoticed. But she was harmless, that he verified the most the moment he realized she entered the chat. She was confused as the others, albeit had no ill intentions to destroy the RFA as some had suspected. Hell, she seemed spunky too, showing signs of confusion over Zen’s unneeded selfie. Her responses were sharp as well when he read her replies to Jumin’s curt and blatant comments about her sudden appearance.
She may be confused, but she wasn’t helpless.
For once in his life, Luciel felt something in his chest flutter, even if was just a little.
So out of curiosity – honest, he just wanted to see for himself that she wasn’t a threat – Luciel looked at one of the security screens which showed images inside Rika’s apartment. It was standard procedure. He’s sure even V would ask him to do so. As harmless as she sounded in the chat, Luciel needed to see with his own eyes that she meant no harm in physical form.
And by God, when she accidentally stared into one of the hidden cameras, he felt his heart stop completely.
Her royal blue eyes were enticing- No. Bewitching. Each shine of those glorious irises felt like midnight flames that churned his heart into butter. Once and twice she blinked, showing further confusion and slight fear over the new environment she was in. Her eyes were round like the smallest of suns. Her eyes shined like the darkest of stars.
He didn’t know why. But next thing he knew, Luciel flinched back to reality once he realized his fingers had grazed upon the screen.
For once in his life, Luciel felt something shattering this well-planned game.
---
She was hilarious.
No. ‘Hilarious’ would be an understatement. She was hysterical. She often played along with his jokes. She understood every single silly statement that would send the other RFA’s eyes rolling. God, she even joined in with his nefarious plans on pranking Yoosung. She wasn’t mean, per say. She did often comfort the youngest of the group when he got too sad. And it was one of those moments that Luciel couldn’t help but feel…happy looking at her.
He’d never heard her laugh. He wondered what it sounded like. Was it pitchy? Was it soft? Was it loud? Was it snorty? All these thoughts filled his brain and fuelled his heart. He wondered if he could install a sound system in the apartment. It was a shame Luciel couldn’t hear her voice daily.
He did think of calling her.
It was nerve-wrecking, to be honest. And Luciel didn’t know why.
---
When he did finally muster up the courage to call her, Luciel felt as if his heart had stopped.
God, he silently gasped, her laugh is beautiful.
---
Days passed by and everyone warmed up quick to her. Some still kept their distance. Some pretty much considered her as their official best friend. Even Luciel himself felt close to her. It was never a boring day when she entered the chatroom. After all those years of dragging his feet at the many missions he had, for once, Luciel actually felt pumped up to go to work if it meant seeing her face every day through the security cameras.
She made him laugh so many times, he had lost count. She made him smile like a buffoon, even his jaws started to grow numb. When he said something witty and unexplainable, she would just reply with her own brand of wit and humour. When he joked about something unreasonably silly, she would just support him no questions asked.
Hell, even when Luciel started to show a tiny hint of fragility, she replied with such seriousness that sent his world to a stop.
-Please take better care of yourself, 707. Don’t forget to eat!-
He knew those words bore no deep meaning. He knew she genuinely cared about his wellbeing despite just having joined them for days.
But he couldn’t help himself for feeling…touched.
---
Every time he worked, golden eyes would glance at his phone. Every time a chat had been notified, he was in awe at the fact that his hand had quickly reached for the mobile device.
Every time he saw her name popped up in the screen, he felt breathless and ecstatic.
He was confused and scared at this feeling, for he had never felt such a way for anyone, ever.
---
She was a blessing.
She was a gift from God. A miracle in disguise. Her origins were still a mystery, but Luciel saw her nothing more than as a goddess that had descended from heaven.
She was truly a blessing.
However, he wasn’t the only one who thought of her that way.
---
He realized that Jumin had been acting more…open lately. The man was stiff beyond reason, but to see his interactions with her sparked something unnerving in Luciel.
She actually laughed at Jumin’s jokes. She actually called him ‘cute’ for nagging about long, boring information. Hell, not once did she make fun of his inability to take a photo properly or the fact that his life was starting to spiral into one hell of a soap opera. She was sweet and flirtatious to everyone, but Luciel soon realized that she was exceptionally sweet and flirtatious to Jumin.
But that’s not what shocked him the most.
What shocked Luciel the most was the fact that Jumin actually responded.
He cared that she laughed at his stupidly bland comments. He cared that she’d eaten and taken care of herself. Jumin was known to be such a workaholic. He was known to treat people coldly, especially to women who hounded him for his power and money.
But all that shattered like fragile glass when Luciel saw Jumin slipping through his work hours just so he could check up on her.
He knew the young heir wasn’t a robot. He knew Jumin had enough emotions just like any other normal human.
He just didn’t expect him to see them being poured onto her.
Luciel didn’t know why, but he cringed to feel his heart clenching so harshly.
---
She was still friendly towards him; that, Luciel noticed.
They still teamed up to prank Yoosung. They still teamed up to cause numerous headaches to either Zen or Jaehee. Chatting with her was always a party. She loved to tease and joke around. She loved to spurt out whimsical nonsense that would constantly bring his heart into overdrive.
However, when it came to matters about Jumin, she would become patient and caring, showing no ounce of desire to make fun of the young heir considering the complicated situation he was in.
It hurt; Luciel soon learned that he needed one of his masks in order to get through this.
---
Jumin opened up to her.
The moment Luciel saw his conversations with her in the chatroom, the hacker knew he had lost.
---
It wasn’t like Jumin to ditch work. It wasn’t even him at all to let his emotions take control of his rationality.
Luciel still cared for the man. He was a friend, come what may. He sometimes missed seeing Jumin and Zen’s silly little bickering over the stupidest things. He sometimes missed seeing Jumin acting high and mighty without the young heir himself realizing it. As much as Luciel reminded himself that all of this was temporary, he was only human.
He wanted Jumin to be happy and himself again.
-So, if we let this fair lady meet Jumin, he might turn his attention to her instead.-
The second after Luciel hit that ‘send’ button, he constantly wondered if he had done a good deed, or committed the biggest, foolish mistake of his miserable life.
---
God, it hurt.
He didn’t know it was possible. But Luciel could actually feel his heart being ripped into shreds.
Jumin was inexplicably happy. No. He was beyond happy. The man was at paradise ever since she visited his penthouse. He cooked pancakes for her. He spurted out embarrassing, lovey-dovey words at her. Even though she was a bit flustered at the young heir’s many shocking responses, Luciel knew she was beaming as well over the undivided attention.
It hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt.
No matter how many times he closed his eyes, all he could see was her adorable smile.
All he could see was her adorable smile that was meant for Jumin.
It hurts…
---
He was safe with her. He was safe with her. He was safe with her.
The sentence felt like a mantra in Luciel’s mind. He knew Jumin wouldn’t hurt her. He knew Jumin loved her and cherished just as much as he-
Just…Just as much as he did.
---
The hacker was still at large; at least Luciel had that to look forward to.
He’d found the location of the mysterious hacker. He’d prepared everything to go and confront this dangerous mess. He even brought Yoosung along if it meant giving the other RFA members a calm piece of mind. He knew V would disagree with the latter, but Luciel had no other choice. He didn’t want to involve others, but he knew he needed a backup plan if all went downhill.
But God, he couldn’t stand to know that she was still very, very worried about him.
She cared about him. She cared about him. She cared about him and would be sad if he lost his life.
Luciel didn’t deserve it. But he couldn’t help himself for feeling happy at her concern.
He didn’t deserve it.
He didn’t deserve it.
---
Luciel wondered if God really did hate him for being alive.
The second his eyes met a pair of hypnotic turquoise, the second his ears heard that familiar voice he missed so much, he felt as if his whole reality had crashed right onto his head.
---
In all his life, Luciel had prepared himself for the worst. He’d worked hard for where he was right now. He’d worked hard to gain enough profit just so he could save and hopefully, one day, give it to his brother, wherever he was. Everything he did was for him, anyways. What else would it be? Luciel knew he could never see him again. He knew he could never go back to a life that was linked to him. But no matter what the circumstances, as long as Luciel knew his brother was doing fine, as long as he knew that his brother was unharmed, he didn’t mind this gruelling life.
So why… The walls he had long built around himself came crashing down in a blink. Why…w-was h-h-h-he…the…re…
In all his life, Luciel had never felt so weak and miserable.
---
He was a mess. He was a broken, useless, unfixable shit-stain of a mess.
And yet she cared for him.
He didn’t deserve this.
He didn’t deserve her.
---
-I’m fine.-
Stop.
-Not fine.-
Stop it.
-Fine.-
You don’t deserve her.
Golden eyes felt warm and wet as he looked at her words. White teeth gritted madly as he realized her genuine concern over him.
His hands trembled weakly as he tried to type the words.
-No, I’m not fine…-
---
He needed to hear her voice.
He was selfish, he knew. But he needed to hear that voice even if for a brief moment.
He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve this happiness. He didn’t even deserve to be comforted.
But God, the moment he heard her voice, the moment he heard her panicking over him through the other line.
“I…” He loved her. “I really hope that things go well with Jumin.” He loved her. “I mean it…” He loved her. He loved her.
“I…I know I joke around a-a lot.” Air was held tightly as he tried to keep it together. “But I sincerely think you suit Jumin the best.” Tears were pooled inside roughly closed eyes.
“Don’t…” He loved her. “Don’t care too much about me.” He loved her. “You might not hear from me from now on.”
She loved Jumin.
---
Luciel wondered if it was a dream to be given a chance to hear her voice one more time.
His mind was already a black, disoriented haze. Though gaze thrown at nothing in particular, his soul had long escaped his body. He could see himself lying weakly on the bed with clothes and bags of Honey Buddha Chips sprawled all around. He could see his face drained of colour and being smothered with bread crumbs.
His eyes felt heavy and puffy. Golden eyes were void of any life or hope.
He heard a ring on his phone.
So without a second thought, Luciel picked up the call.
“Seven, are you okay?”
Tears merely flowed down his cheeks once he heard her.
He had to lie. He must lie. He must feign happiness. This wasn’t her problem. This was his problem. Her hands were full enough with issues regarding her safety and Jumin-
His breath hitched sharply in his throat.
“No…” He had to lie. “I’m not…” Pale lips trembled weakly as he forced a laugh. Golden eyes stared at the ceiling above. His vision was blurry from the constant tears. His voice had cracked from the endless sobbing and frustrated screaming.
He must lie. “But you…” He must…He must… “You don’t care about me…”
Glasses long thrown and sprawled on the side of his bed, Luciel draped one arm onto his eyes. “You only care about Jumin…” Quivering lips tugged a bitter smile. White teeth chattered and clenched. “I’m nothing.” He tried to laugh again. “My heart’s crumbled into pieces…” He needed to laugh again.
His mind was still a blurry, foggy mess as he talked to her. Her voice rang the clearest in his ears. Her voice stripped his heart piece by piece until it was nothing but a bleeding, heartbroken confetti.
The more he laughed, the faster tears came pouring down.
Eyes closed as he sobbed and laughed like a fool, Luciel only choked down a louder scream once he heard a faint, worried, “Seven…”
---
-Seven, are you feeling better?-
His gaze was empty. His heart emptier.
-No ^^-
---
He always knew he was going to die alone. He always knew that no one would remember him for who he really was once he left this earth.
It still hurt to be reminded as so, though.
---
When he first saw her, when he finally had the chance to meet her, God, Luciel felt like his knees were about to give up on him.
She was just as beautiful- No. She was ten times more beautiful than in the screen. It wasn’t a wonder as to why and how Jumin fell hard for her. Not only was she sweet and kind and funny and headstrong, but her appearance personified every positive thing that defined her.
And God, her eyes.
The second she looked at him and flashed that sweet smile, Luciel could feel all his masks crumbling into pieces.
---
To call her name out of his own lips, Luciel felt his withering heart shatter.
“I’m…” His voice croaked. “I’m glad. I’m so…so glad nothing bad happened to you.” Without a second thought, he reached out for her hand.
He then stopped.
He wasn’t hers. Jumin was.
So instead, with fingers twitching and left hand curled into a tight fist by his side, Luciel slowly, wearily placed his right hand onto her shoulder. “You really can’t download any app from now on.” God, his voice was starting to crack. “A-Alright…?”
Whether or not she realized his broken state of mind, she only pulled a tiny frown at his request.
That frown then curled to a reassuring smile, perfectly taking his breath away and burning his eyes.
“Alright…”
After the many days of wallowing in self-hatred and despair, as painful as it may be, he finally managed a sincere smile.
He didn’t deserve to be happy; Luciel always reminded himself that.
END