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Suga lays flat on his back, the honestly not that comfortable cushion of his dorm bed sagging under his weight.
“It’s like every time I close my eyes I see Daichi instead of him,” He sighs, dragging his hands down his face.
Suga’s phone is face up set to speakerphone where Yaku hums on the other end of the line. The moment Suga got home from Masato’s apartment, he hit the dial icon on Yaku’s contact. Last night was fun. He’d been invited to a party one of Masato’s older photography club friends was hosting. It was a small thing, mostly club members, so Suga didn’t know many people there, but Masato’s friends are nice. Suga has a nice boyfriend with nice friends, and they have perfectly nice sex. What’s not to like?
“I was laying there, naked, on his bed, his dick inside of me, praying he can’t tell that when I close my eyes and kiss him, I’m imagining someone else,” Suga feels like he’s going to explode. “And it’s not because he’s bad at it. He’s perfectly good. He’s trying so hard and I can tell he genuinely cares. He’s not one of those guys who just pushes you around and does what he wants. He pays attention and that’s half the reason I’m freaking out about this!”
“I think you know what this means...” Yaku says, his voice carrying that sympathetic tone that Suga hates.
Suga rolls over onto his stomach, “I do. I’m not even surprised.”
“So, dating someone new didn’t work, that’s fine. You can’t live like this forever though.”
Yaku had been all over him to "get back on the horse” and “meet new people” and calling him dramatic for resigning himself to a life of loneliness and heartbreak, but recent events have not made Suga hopeful for change.
“When was the last time you talked to Daichi? Are we sure he’s not feeling the same way you are?”
“Oh, he made it very clear that he doesn’t want to speak to me again,” Suga spat. “Nothing about dumping me and then leaving me alone on a train platform in the rain makes me think he still needs me the way I need him.”
It’s true, Daichi broke up with him in the most J-drama way possible. He told Suga they should stop seeing each other and that he needed space to be alone and figure out what he really wanted.
“And you know what the worst thing about this Masato situation is?” Suga continues, “I don’t even feel that bad about it.”
“What do you mean?” Yaku asks.
“I don’t even feel bad for thinking about Daichi while he fucks me!” Suga’s blood begins to rush, “I like Masato, I might be able to love him if you give me time, but I don’t feel guilty for this, and I want to feel guilty! I want to feel like this is wrong. I’m coming up with excuses for it like ‘maybe the sex with Daichi was better, he knew me better so the sex must have been better’ but it’s not just the sex. It’s all of it, and I don’t really want it to change.”
Suga sits up. If he were to make a checklist of everything he needs in a relationship it would include things like shared interests, interesting conversation, good sex, and belief in a future together. Masato can do those first three but that’s all. Suga doesn’t want more than those three with Masato, and if a relationship is going to work, he needs to want more. Masato’s a good person; he gives what he can, but Suga knows it’ll ever be enough.
“There’s some sick part of me that thinks I should keep feeling this way. That I should keep missing Daichi and picturing his hands instead of Masato’s. I wish I felt guilty for it, but I just don’t. He’s stable and nice and the sex is good enough I’m getting most of what I need here, so if I just push this down deep, I can make it work. I can keep dating him.”
Yaku stays quiet long enough that Suga starts to worry he got hung up on while he vented.
“That’s not fair to either of you,” he finally says.
“I know.”
“I’m sorry Suga.”
“You’re going to tell me to break up with Masato aren’t you...”
Yaku sighs, “Yeah. You can’t stay with him if you know you’re still in love with someone else.”
“I know...” Suga answers, “I just don’t want to be alone again.”