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The comment had already left her mouth before she could think and the room went silent. Hayeon nearly dropped her chopsticks while ShiOn and Lynn exchanged those uncomfortable glances they always threw at each other when Soomin messed up. Those silent conversations she had every and zero idea what they were about.
Those glances were obviously about her and all the damage control they would have to do in different group and private chats.
Soomin’s lip wobbled but she smiled and giggled as goofily as always. It all sounded so fake to her ears but it was a practiced art of having to convince her friends that she was fine, totally fine, absolutely fine and not ripping apart at the seams trying to keep up with the stream of information going on in front of her.
Hayeon had exchanged a silent glance with Chaewon who in turn now had her head turned to Hyerin. Leaned back on the bench a little so she could lean closer towards her ear and Soomin still smiled and watched the interaction with dread bubbling in her stomach ready to take her in. The mouth that whispered something quiet enough she couldn’t hear but some mouthed syllables felt familiar and her gut turned into stone as it drowned her in the ocean of her own mess.
“Don’t take it too seriously, Soomin is just like that.” A pint-sized socially inept loudmouth. Would come as Hayeon’s immediate response from the side, with a crooked grin that showed her confidence and dorky bravado.
“All words with no bite, she doesn’t mean it like that.” Chaewon had uttered placatingly and then it would twist into a haunting story of some sort.
Another anecdote that would hunt her when her friends started talking about moments to reminisce over.
An off-hand comment that would make someone else hate her and Sullin give her that frown of distant disapproval.
Soomin didn’t want anything else than for her friends to laugh with her instead of awkwardly laughing in her face as she bit her tongue. Trying her hardest to not drop another bombshell or remark that has them question her sanity and number of brain cells left.
“No, no I am sorry I am just dumb and don’t have a filter.” I never got how people worked. I never know when it’s enough, when I am too much but I am trying. I am trying, I am really trying. Please stop looking at me like that. Please I am trying-
I AM TRYING
I AM TRYING
I SWEAR I AM TRYING!
PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.
P-please… don’t leave me here. I don’t want to be alone again.
So another day the mask settled firmly but she felt it slipping more and more. Forming cracks as she slowly lost touch with reality.
Who was she even with that mask? Was she really Kim Soomin?
The more she clung to that image she had carved out in her friend group the more the mask slipped. She knew Joo Bin was noticing, Hayeon was too perceptive and Chaewon had that amused yet pitying expression on her face as always.
Hyerin was her best friend and she usually noticed right away when her eyes got cloudy while Yeonji babbled on and had to be nudged into the side. Taking a step back the younger girl would then notice the mask she had on like it wasn’t even there.
The second she got home, she dodged her brother and her parents' loving yet suffocating gaze.
Oh our kid’s doing fine at school. Sure she comes home and passes out on the couch for 5 hours straight but the child is fine. The muffled sobs in the middle of the night are just from nightmares and not from the ever looming existential dread that the only thing you were ever good at was being annoying.
The vibrant personality of your childhood will always haunt you after all.
Childish dreams of being an idol bleed away as you stumble over your own feet at the academy all over again. Wanting to bring people joy when all you do is bring nothing but chaos they have to sort out for you. With a foot wrapped in gauze, that dream becomes another far away fantasy and all Soomin can cling to is graduating in one piece.
The image of her clumsy, bubbly and talkative self so ingrained in people’s brains that anything but being happy go lucky, a clumsy mess and a laugh button is just her default. The safe default mask most people just ignore to look past and check in to ask if she was okay.
These people who remember the times she tripped over her own feet in the hallway with a thump and laughed heartily at her face. Oh how clumsy you are. They saw all the times she struggled tying her shoes and mocked her instead of helping her. Who can’t tie their own shoes? Are you mentally challenged or something? They laughed when she struggled to ride a bike and crashed into a rosebush. You’re not just clumsy, you’re a hazard to yourself. They yelled in annoyance when she fell from the scooter just because her cousin bumped into her. Is there nothing you can do right?!
Soomin smiled every time and bit down the tears of frustration.
How was she even going to explain all of it?
The knotted mess that had become her own head.
Her parents always smiled and padded her shoulder. That older brother of hers was soon going off to the military and busy with his own adolescence instead of his clumsy little sister who he never cared too much about to begin with.
“You talk too much.”
Don’t you think I know that. I am word vomit personified and I hate it. I see people get tired of me in real time but I am too hopeful, desperate and naive to notice but I see the way their eyes turn away. I see the annoyed glances and feel all the times they snapped.
I am not socially smart like you.
I am a mess.
A MESS!
But I am too far gone for anyone to begin to care. At this point it’s been too long. As a kid they found it cute but now that I am older and not cute anymore my flaws are not adorable childish mistakes but flaws that shouldn’t be there.
…like myself.
Why can’t you use scissors properly? Why can’t you tie your shoelaces properly? What’s so difficult about riding a bike? Why can’t you shut up? Don’t you know that’s impolite?
I KNOW!
I KNOW I AM A MESS AND PAST FIXING.
LET ME ROT AWAY IN PEACE!
Let me rot away in peace so none of you see how much of a mess I am. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. It wouldn’t be worth it.
Unconditional love is a lie!
A lie made up by fairy tales and made pretty by Pixar Movies. The second you become an inconvenience they drop you. Keep them at arm’s lengths. Be the comic relief and nothing more.
Don’t let them see past the mask.
Don’t let them see the mess.
Just a little longer. Just a little while longer. I can’t have them shed tears over me. I can’t make them sad because I am not here anymore.
I don’t want them to be sad because of me.
I burdened them enough.
I just have to sit it out and endure it like always. Sit all of this out a little longer. Another day, just another day. Maybe I can do another week. I might do another month. Who knows? I can’t have them worry over nothing.
I am the comic relief. I am the clown. I am the happy go lucky and clumsy Soomin.
I can’t-
I don’t know how long I can keep this up.
H-help.
I don’t want to be alone.
P-please, is anyone there?
JooBin-ah? You always observe everything, you’re so smart and talented. Please don’t ever lose that spark. Lynn-unnie you’re always waiting for me with a hug. You never get too angry when I mess up, even if I probably deserve it. ShiOn-unnie you have the best bread recipes and pep talks. Sullin-unnie, sorry I was being so annoying earlier. Please don’t be mad anymore. I just wanted to make you laugh.
Yeonji-ah, how do you do it? How can you keep up, always laugh and actually look like you mean it.
Hayeon-ah, please don’t call me that anymore. I swear I am trying to be better and actually notice the cues you give me.
Chaewon-ah, weren’t you the weird alien girl? How can you still be so cool and be that weird?
Hyerin-ah… I am sorry… you always have to clean up after dumb little ol’ me.
G-guys… I am so tired of pretending.
I want to be that happy child again, when did I lose that?
…when did I lose myself?
When did it all become so much?
I am just so tired of being misunderstood.