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yushi loves sion very much, that is his brother and the one he trusts a lot. from the first time his mother brought sion home and told yushi to take care of each other as they were brothers from that day on, he loved sion. however, he hated how sion was so much better compared to him in many areas. he hated how sion could do everything so effortlessly and still garner attention and love from everyone, he hated how good sion is at subjects he suck, he hated how people always praise sion and leave him out of the conversation, and especially, how riku is sion’s.
yushi had always gotten what he wanted. he wasn’t really the type to be selfless but he still knew when to back up. that’s never the case with sion. he was so selfless that yushi sometimes feel horrible for being selfish and yushi can’t even blame it on sion because he’s nice to him, he’s such a nice brother to him. whatever the case is, yushi still can’t get rid of his feelings for his brother’s boyfriend, riku. when the maedas first moved in nextdoor and brought their youngest born to the tokunos to make them as friends, yushi fell horrendously down. ever since then, riku has always been yushi’s object of admiration. ever since then, yushi has always loved riku but yet, riku chose sion over him.
“yuushi, i have something to tell you” sion broke the silence. it was a random summer day when the sun is at its’ peak and they’ve just finished cleaning their shared bedroom. “go ahead” yushi responds as he fans himself using the handheld fan they got when they hiked mt. fuji. “riku and i are a thing” sion confesses. a part of yushi’s world broke, but it wasn’t like he didn’t see it coming. riku and sion has always been close, especially since they are of the same age. whenever riku came over, yushi isn’t oblivious to his looks towards sion and it always never fails to churn his stomach to the point he’d lose sleep overanalyzing every look and smile riku gives to sion. part of being a good brother is to be happy for the other one so yushi pretended. “congrats, after all these times” yushi faked a laugh. “i know right?” sion happily smiled in answer. yushi had to be a good brother to sion, he’d cared for yushi so much but yushi can’t deny how much jealousy ate his heart that day. yushi was first.
after sion’s confession, every time riku came over was like hell to yushi. seeing his smiles and giggles now fully directed to sion, not him made his heart feel like it’s burning. everything hurts now, yet riku is still as beautiful as ever. “yuuchan, come on play with us!” riku asks. yushi who was laying down on his bed, doomscrolling immediately shot up. “what game?” yushi asks. “overcooked! come on, we’re a team of three right? sion sucks at this” riku teases. “hey! the layout was horrendous it’s not my fault” “well then it’s your skill issues!” the couple bickered as yushi just sat nearby. “you guys play by yourselves, i’m good” yushi went back to sleeping. he tried to sleep but riku’s laughs rang in his head. sion is not at fault, riku is not at fault, he’s being too much but how much can yushi handle even?
yushi’s phone rang, it was riku.
rikuu : heyy
rikuu : do you have time?
rikuu : likee nowww
yushi couldn’t hide his excitement, he immediately smiled upon riku’s texts. he could finally have riku’s time and attention, just for him, not shared with sion.
yushi: i’m free
rikuu : good
rikuu : i’ll pick you up in 10 minutes!
yushi immediately jumped out of bed and started searching through his wardrobe. choosing the prettiest clothes he owned. even if he wasn’t sion, he still wanted to at least make riku think he’s pretty. riku always said that to him. how he’s cute and pretty and all, it’s enough at least.
getting picked up by riku and hanging out just with riku is exciting for yushi. he can have riku’s attention to the fullest, he can imagine that riku loves him, at least. they settled for a ramen shop that yushi loves. the fact that riku still remembered felt good, despite all.
“did sion tell you he’s going back?” asked riku. all of yushi’s prior excitement went off the road immediately. riku only brought him out for this. perhaps having too much expectation is never good for anyone, yushi reminded himself. “yeah. he got into a good uni, so mom and dad pushed it and he also wanted it” yushi explained as he takes small sips of the milk tea riku bought him. there was a small silence between them as riku tried to process everything. riku only exhaled heavily. “will you leave too?” riku asked, staring straight into yushi. “no. i’m trying for keio.” yushi answered. “good, at least i still have you around” riku tussled yushi’s hair. his tone was bittersweet, yushi realized that. yushi was very perceptive contrary to everyone’s belief. this was an easy cue to pick up, not an easy one to swallow though.
“are you sad that he’s leaving?” yushi finally broke the silence. the entire time they walked back to riku’s car from the tea shop, silence. the entire ride up until yushi’s apartment complex, silence. “well… how would i not be yuuchan?” riku took a deep breath before continuing on. “we’ve been together since we were babies and, the thing is. we’ve talked about this before and let’s just say nothing will end well for us if this was what’s going to happen.” yushi only nodded in silence. “i don’t like distance. everyone changes with distance and i can’t handle that. i hate changes, yuuchan. i can’t recognize anyone who left my life from distance anymore and sion is going to be one of them, it just feels like shit you know? sorry for cursing in front of you” riku tried to explain. “i’m not a child, it’s fine” yushi answers in a quiet voice. riku only smiled at him before indulging in the silence again. “it’s not like it’s goodbye forever you know? hyung promised to come back once every semester” said yushi. he hated how he’s acting like a helper in this relationship but he wanted nothing more than riku to be happy, even if he’s not his. yushi has made peace with the fact that he lost to sion, so the last thing he ever wanted was to see sion hurting riku. “even so… ugh i’m being such a pessimist” riku groaned. “we’ve had this talk yuuchan. i don’t like distance neither does he, it’s burdensome to force something that we clearly don’t have the energy or want for. we fought even over this scenario, but of course we tried and well if this is the outcome then… yeah. we’ll still be friends though! i mean i’ll try. i still don’t want to lose you” yushi could only smile sadly, comforting riku. pretending to be an empath while all he wanted to say is just choose me, why is that so hard.
the dawning day of sion’s departure finally came. riku was already sporting red, swollen eyes adorned with tears on them and so did everyone else, including yushi. saying goodbye for a while to someone you've been with since you were small isn't an easy feat but this was all for sion's good. it had been two weeks after riku went out with yushi and ultimately breaking up with sion the next day. they were exes already but the hug they shared right now still feels too painful for yushi to see. it was wrong of yushi to be like this. his brother was leaving and yet he's busier feeling jealous over the hug his brother and his ex shared. he toughed it out though. yushi already lost against sion, yushi shouldn't feel like this. "uushi! come here" called sion. yushi immediately ran to sion before sion enveloped him in a hug. "take care of yourself yeah, uushi" said sion as he caressed yushi's hair. "you too, hyung" yushi patted sion's back. "see you... in a semester all!" sion said before heading in the departure gate. this was it.
the two weeks post sion's departure was kind of hard on everyone. yushi had to adjust to living without sion telling him to do this and that, and also to adjust with riku's radio silence. for the past two weeks, yushi didn't hear anything from riku. he knew riku well, riku needed space so space was what yushi gave him. but on a random tuesday night, a notification popped up on yushi's cellphone.
rikuu : are you still up?
yushi : yea
rikuu : come over?
yushi : omw
yushi is still hopeless.
"that didn't took long" riku says as he opens the door for yushi. "there was no traffic" yushi answered as he entered riku's apartment. riku apologized for the state of his apartment, that was kind of a mess honestly but yushi didn't mind it. the fact that riku himself asked yushi to come over meant he's doing much better than before and that's all yushi needed to make sure of.
"this came in the mail today and i thought i'd play it with you since you're the only one i have for these things now" riku stated. you're the only one i have if it weren't for the situation they're in, those words would sound amazing for yushi but he's all too aware. he's the backup plan, the backup plan that's always there, so it stung a bit to hear. "you ordered this a while ago right?" yushi asked. "mhm, production delay and some other things i don't know. whatever, at least it's here" riku gave yushi the controller and they start playing. it's a good distraction. everything feels like it's back to how it used to be (except for the fact sion is not there). "you're good at this, yuuchan" riku exclaims as victory filled their screen. yushi only looked at riku endearingly, glad that he still can smile this big after everything.
"don't look at me like that" riku pinches yushi's cheeks. "are you still sad?" yushi asks. riku only nodded before telling him he'll get over it, but yushi knew it's still affecting him more than he lets on. "pretend i'm hyung" fuck it yushi thinks, if this was the only chance he can take, he'll take it. "what?" riku was confused, why would yushi say that out of nowhere. "pretend i am sion hyung tonight, pretend that..." words got stuck on yushi's throat because he realizes how ridiculous he sounds. "you can't do that. you're yushi not sion" riku responds. "is it hard to do?" yushi asks back. "yushi don't think of doing anything stupid" "is it stupid to want to be loved for a night?" riku couldn't believe what he's hearing. "you miss sion hyung right? so let me be him tonight. you can stop feeling lonely and i'd feel how it is to be hyung, it's a good situ–" "yushi." riku stops him. "why are you acting like this?" riku stares straight at yushi's eyes. "because i'm miserable i guess?... that was too much. i'll leave, i'm sorry." yushi finally felt the shame of not thinking much before saying those words. riku held his hands as he tried to leave. "sit. you can't just run away after saying all that" riku pulled yushi back to sit on the couch.
yushi felt awkward but he knew his actions would come with consequences and this was the consequence he needed to face once those words came out of his mouth. "what were you thinking?" riku asked, grabbing yushi by his arms. "let's pretend this never happened and act like-" "since when?" riku cut him off. "what would change if i told you i've always been there even before sion?" yushi's eyes were on the verge of watering. he's never been good at being vulnerable, but there's no way he's not going to be at this moment. "why did you stay quiet when i told you i was interested in sion?" riku asked back. "riku. that would mean forcing you to love me when you could've been happier with sion and i would hate to do that" "that's just your assumption" "but do you love me? more than sion?" riku could only answer with silence. this was the answer yushi needed all this time, nothing more and nothing less. "see. you can't even answer that. i'm not an asshole who forces someone to love him riku, you would know that better than anyone." yushi held riku's hands gently before planting a kiss on his palms. "i've loved you ever since our mothers forced us to be playmates, before sion came to the picture. i'm sorry for loving you. i'm sorry for being illogical, i wasn't thinking straight. just stop locking yourself up and start enjoying life again. sion hyung... would kill me if he knew you'd be like this." yushi says as he took his bags and left riku's apartment. leaving a confused yet troubled riku behind. this was for the best, it's not like yushi ever expected anything.
...
a month of no contact passed by. yushi's mother kept pestering him about why he isn't hanging out with riku or whether did they fight and all. yushi would answer that riku's busy or riku's hanging out with his friends when in truth, he just didn't want to talk to riku after what happened. in a way, he closed the chapter where riku's the centre of his world. there was no hope in keeping that chapter open when he already got the closure he needed. yushi went through his day to day, trying to make riku's absence a normalcy in his life. it's not entirely horrible. he can go through his day without thinking about riku but he can't deny it, a part of him felt empty. that doesn't mean seeing riku standing in front of his university building alone, jittery and alone felt good.
"what are you doing here?" yushi asked. "ah. thank lord i'm not lost. i've only been here once and it seems like my memory isn't that bad" riku laughed awkwardly. yushi could only look at riku in disbelief as he puts his hands into the pocket of his varsity jacket. "you haven't answered me." yushi stated. riku only looked at him nervously as he bit his lips. "i thought i'd pick you up" "i bring my own car to uni, riku" "i know. i still can't drive you know?" riku smiled but it's still apparent that the smile wasn't entirely happy. yushi only sighed as he brought riku to where he parked his car. yushi quickly entered his car and started the engine up. riku entered himself shortly after. "oh right, you don't have plans right?... after.. this? uh... if you do then i'll go home it's not a big problem.." "where do you want to go?" yushi says as he started to drive the car out of the parking lot. "the sea would be nice" riku muttered.
"what do you want? exactly." yushi asks during a red light. riku shuffled uncomfortably on the passenger seat. "i need to make things right... between us" riku answers quietly. whenever riku is hesitant about something, he'd grow quiet and he'd start to bite his lips a lot, picking on the skin around it. "stop biting your lips, it's going to bleed." yushi warns him. "oh, sorry" riku looks at yushi through the rear view mirror. the car grew silent again as yushi continued to drive. this silence used to be comfortable to riku but it feels like thorns prickling him through the air. riku didn't know where to stand. everything yushi said was right. his feelings were still sion's at the end of the day but losing yushi felt more unbearable than losing sion. that's why he decided to gamble his fate today, doing all of this just to try to save his friendship with yushi. if someone had to ask riku to choose between sion and yushi, he would rather jump off a cliff than choosing. yushi felt way too natural in his life while sion brought all the butterflies and sparks in his life. yushi always felt too risky to choose, because if riku made a mistake it would cost yushi and he would truly jump off a cliff. that is why yushi's silence hurt more and that's why he's here.
when they arrived at the beach, none of them got out of the car. riku only stared at yushi as yushi stared towards the sea in front of him. "i'm sorry, i couldn't give you a proper answer last time" riku broke the silence. "your silence was enough closure for me" yushi forced a smile. "don't smile at me like that" riku frowned. "do you prefer if i stayed mad at you?" "no" "then?" "i don't want to lose you" riku said it. "that's selfish you know? keeping me even if you knew i had feelings for you" yushi bitterly smiled. "i'm sorry for being selfish but i can't stand losing you" riku's head drooped down. "you won't. i'd still be your childhood friend and all but i just need space right now" yushi leaned back to the driver seat, no longer looking at riku. "that's not my point" riku mumbled. "then what is your point? i hate to go in circles, you know that" yushi said as he looked away from riku. "i treasure you more than anything, yuuchan. i'm sorry for not realizing your feelings from the start and i'm sorry for not giving you proper closure. i just didn't know how to react. i know i can't love you both so when i had to choose, it's hard." riku took a sharp exhale to calm himself down. "i know i'm not making sense and i'm sorry but i love you. that's a fact i hope you'd know. if you were to confess back then, i'd be scared. if i did something wrong then we fought then i'd lose you and i can't handle that" "but you could handle that for sion hyung?" "yuuchan." "you're really cruel, rikkun" they're back to square one. "i don't ask you to love me, so don't pressure yourself into doing so. ignore whatever happened last time, ignore everything i said and you won't lose me." yushi stared into riku's glassy eyes as he said that. "i don't like to ignore that" riku stares back to yushi. "then what are you going to do? i don't want my feelings to burden you, ever." yushi starts caressing riku's cheeks that are decorated with beads of tears. "i'd be an asshole for dating my ex's brother after breaking up with him" riku cries even more. "i never asked you to be that asshole" yushi couldn't help but laugh as he wiped riku's tears. "i'm willing to be an asshole though" riku states. "don't make decisions you'd regret" yushi caresses riku's hair. "we're here anyway, let's get some fresh air" yushi brought riku out.
the smell of sea and the warm breeze felt good after the whole thing. it felt like a comfort from the mother earth to both of them. they only walked around the sea, side by side. yushi's gaze were focused on the sea while riku's focused on yushi. riku tried brushing his hands to yushi's but yushi only put his hands into the varsity jacket he's wearing. yushi's rejection hurts but riku couldn't blame him. "rikkun" yushi calls. he's not oblivious to riku's advances. "let's not force ourselves to do this, okay?" yushi pats riku's head. riku grabbed yushi's arm and brought him closer. his lips then embraced yushi's. yushi was clearly taken aback by this. when riku pulled away, yushi stayed frozen. "can we try?" riku asked. "don't give me false hopes" "i won't. i swear i'll make it up" riku's grasp on yushi's arms grew stronger. "i won't regret it yuuchan. i'll explain everything to sion hyung if you're worried about him. this is what i want, i promise you." riku explains. "im not forcing myself too!" riku adds. yushi's expressions stayed flat and that scared riku even more. yushi is unreadable no matter how hard riku tried. "you promise?" yushi finally said something. "i promise." riku finally could sigh from relief.
whether they'd last long or not, none of them could care less. was it healthy to do this? no, but none of them could care less.