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The great thing about Ashton is that he always knows what to do when Luke gets worked up. Sometimes Luke panics so much he can’t catch his breath. Sometimes he blames himself for something so much he can’t bring himself to get up in the morning. Sometimes Luke gets so shaky that he drinks enough to pass out and forget about it for a while. Ashton knows to pull him into his chest and stroke his hair until Luke can breath again. He knows to bring Luke cheerios in the morning and remind him that he doesn’t give a fuck what Luke thinks he’s done, his band love him no matter what. He knows to tuck Luke into bed with a bucket by the side, knows to cuddle him just incase he wakes up. That’s something that Calum and Michael can’t do, they care about him just as much, they just can’t snap him out of it when he gets himself so worked up.
That’s why when Luke starts acting weird halfway through their stay in England, everyone leaves Ashton to figure it out. At first, Luke just can’t stand to be around people he doesn’t know and Ashton thinks this might be just Luke being shy and wary of new people. But then, Luke is shaking nearly all the time and it only seems to stop when he finally falls to sleep at night. He starts to find it harder to get up, it takes Ashton at least half an hour to convince him to get out of bed every morning. As it goes on like this, Luke starts getting drunk more often. He has to hide it from Liz, obviously, but when he’s drunk people aren’t scary and Luke doesn’t shake.
“Hey Luke,” Ashton shakes him awake, they’ve got a show in Newcastle tonight and they have to leave in about an hour if they want to get there in time for soundcheck. “C’mon bro, time to get up.”
Luke just rolls over and ignores him, he doesn’t want to get up today. Ashton knew this would happen, knew today was going to be difficult for Luke. Last night Luke and Liz had gotten into an argument about something silly, Luke had come upstairs and gone to sleep and Liz had watched eastenders in her room. Ashton knows Luke will be blaming himself and half way to fully convincing himself that his mum hates him now. The furthest thing from the truth.
When Luke doesn’t show any signs of getting up, Ashton heads downstairs and starts making breakfast. Cheerios for Luke, always Cheerios. Bacon for him and the boys. Toast with strawberry jam for Liz. He takes everyone their breakfast, saying morning.
“Hey honey, you didn’t have to do this.” Liz gives him a cuddle to say good morning, she knows he’s missing home.
“I wanted to.” Ashton smiles.
“Is Luke up yet?” Liz frowns.
“Nah, I was just gonna take him some Cheerios.” Ashton sighs, Liz really does worry about her son.
“I’ll come up in a few.” Liz says, kisses his cheek.
——-
“Bro, I got you some Cheerios.” He says as he sits on the side of Luke’s bed and runs a hand through his hair. Luke sighs and opens his eyes, he’s gazing at Ashton but not saying anything.
“You want them?” Ashton says, showing him the bowl. Luke shakes his head slightly.
”Luke, eat them.” Ashton says, if Ashton manages to get Luke to eat the Cheerios Luke will have to sit up, that way he’s half way to actually getting out of bed.
“Ash, have you spoke to my mum?” He whispers quietly.
“Yeah, I made her some toast. She’s gonna come up and say good morning in a few.” Ashton replies, running a hand over Luke’s back.
“Is she mad at me?” Luke asks and Ashton knows he really means does she hate me?
“Not one bit, why would she be?” Ashton replies, he really means why would she ever hate you? He hates to think what goes on in Luke’s head.
Luke sighs and buries himself further into the duvet. Ashton can’t have that, so he places the Cheerios down on Luke’s bedside table and climbs under the covers with him. He doesn’t always have to do this, only on the days when Luke is bad.
“Oi, c’mon. You wanna talk about it?” Ashton whispers. “Let me inside that noggin of yours, Hemmings.”
“I made her really mad Ashton, I didn’t even say sorry, she probably wants to go home and leave me here.” Luke whispers.
“You’re mad, Lukey.” Ashton whispers back to him, wrapping his arms around Luke’s back and pulling him close. “You’re totally crazy if you think that she would ever leave her baby on the other side of the world.”
“Ash, you don’t get it. I’m not worth staying for.” That’s the root of all of Luke’s problems, he out and out believes he’s not worth a thing. It makes Ashton want to wrap him up, take him home to Australia and not let anyone, fans or not, say a bad word to Luke.
“You’re worth the world to so many people.” Ashton says. “Can you please eat your cheerios? Ill let you stay in your boxers, all mummified in this duvet and sleep in the van to Newcastle. C’mon Luke, you know that sounds amazing.”
“That does sound amazing.” Luke smiles slightly.
So that’s exactly what they do. Calum and Michael think its hilarious. Liz just smiles and thanks god that her son has Ashton because he just doesn’t let her in anymore.
———
Luke’s okay for the next few days. He laughs with the boys, he plays FIFA with Harry, he doesn’t shake and screw up the chords on stage. Ashton can’t help but feel like things will blow up soon. Luke will blow up and Ashton will have to sort him out and put the pieces back together.
It happens as they get in their van, they’re just about to leave to go from the venue to the hotel in Glasgow. There are lots of fans there, normally Luke can take a few photos and then chill himself back out when they get to the hotel. But today, today he sees about 30 people waiting around their van and Ashton sees him struggle for breath. He watches as Luke’s breathing gets more and more fucked and then suddenly Calum is taking Luke under his arm and dragging him quickly towards the van. Fuck, Ashton knew this would happen. He follows after Calum quickly, trying to stand in the way of the cameras as they have to man handle Luke into the van. They all climb in behind.
“Luke, fuck, breath.” Calum is panicking and Luke is spluttering and gasping for air. He can’t breath. Luke actually can’t breath. Ashton climbs over Calum and Michael so he can get to Luke, the van is so cramped and their all up in each others space. He pulls Luke onto his lap.
“This isn’t normal.” Ashton whispers to Calum. “This isn’t normal for him.”
Normally, when this happens Luke’s breathing gets hitched and rapid but right now Luke is choking and gasping for air.
“Luke I don’t know what to do man.” Ashton rubs his back, trying to coax air into his chest. Luke’s eyes are watering and he’s panicking. “You need to calm down, yeah?”
Luke nods, he knows he needs to calm down.
“Here’s what we’re gonna do, okay? We’re gonna get you breathing right, then were gonna go to a different hotel and get a huge room for all of us. Nobody will be there man, no one will be waiting for us, it’ll just be us. We’ll all get into bed and watch Toy Story, yeah? I haven’t seen it in years and I think we should watch it. You just need to calm down and we’ll do all of that. Ill buy you a cheeseburger on the way. You want a cheeseburger?” Ashton is just talking, he’s talking at Luke to try and calm him the fuck down. It seems to be working because Luke nods.
“Feels like ages since we’ve all stayed together in the same room, we’ll have a massive cuddle and you’ll be fine. You hear me? You’ll be fine.” Ashton is still rubbing circles on Luke’s back.
It works, it takes a while, but eventually it works.
———-
The day after the show in Newcastle, Luke convinces Niall to buy him a litre bottle of vodka. He drinks nearly three quarters of it before Ashton finds him throwing up in the bath.
“What that fuck?” Ashton asks because who gets this wasted on their own? Luke apparently.
“I need to tell you something.” Luke whispers, his eyes are bloodshot and won’t focus.
“What?” Ashton rubs his back and hopes that Luke is done throwing up.
“I like someone and its fucking me up.” Luke’s head lolls to the side, he’s too drunk to even hold himself up.
“Luke, what do you mean it’s fucking you up?” Ashton says hoisting Luke up and carrying him over to the bed, he may be tall but he’s not heavy.
“It’s making me worse.” Luke mutters. So Luke has realised his behaviour is worse than usual. Ashton throws him onto his bed.
“Have you said anything to them?” Ashton sighs, he knows Luke hasn’t. He knows Luke never will. Luke doesn’t believe that anyone will like him back, it’s sad.
“No. He won’t like me.” Luke moans and then promptly passes out on the pillow.
That’s what Ashton will think about for days. Luke likes a guy. That’s what’s making Luke act crazy.
————-
Ashton doesn’t mean to think of Luke in a different way after his drunken confession, but he can’t help it. When Luke laughs, Ashton gets butterfly’s and when Luke won’t get out of bed in the morning Ashton would do anything to try and make him happy. It’s not just that though, recently Ashton can’t help but think of Luke’s beautiful blue eyes and his soft pink lips whenever he gets himself off. Even if he doesn’t want to, Luke flashes into his mind when he hits his high. He knows that he has a huge crush on Luke, he thinks he’s probably always had a crush on Luke without even realising it. He only realised when Luke dropped the whole “I like a guy” bombshell and Ashton had to clench his jaw in jealously. Ashton really wants Luke all to himself, it’s not fair for him to look after Luke in the way he does if Luke is in love with another guy… The thing is, he doesn’t know how to tell Luke. Luke is delicate at the best of times and Ashton doesn’t want to cause a full scale meltdown because well, if Ashton cause one who would fix it?
So, Ashton leaves it about a month before everything goes wrong and he has to tell Luke. It’s a long time for him to be obsessing over his best friend. They’re still in their normal routine of Ashton being Luke’s rock whenever he can’t handle it, except Luke has been better recently. He’s not shaking and he’s okay around the fans.
It’s a Monday afternoon when Ashton finds out why Luke is seemingly okay, a few hours before they are due to play at the O2 Academy in Birmingham. Ashton walks into the backstage bathrooms and finds Luke, jeans pulled down to his knees sitting on the floor with a lighter. He’s got several burns on his thighs, they’re bright red are blistered.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Ashton says, his voice is high pitched and shocked. Luke’s eyeing Ashton like he wants to dash out of the bathroom and never talk about this, he didn’t expect anyone to walk in.
“Luke, answer me!” Ashton nearly shouts, locking the door behind him and crouching down next to his friend so he can run a hand through Luke’s hair.
“It helps, okay?” Luke sighs, not meeting Ashton’s eyes anymore. “It helps me calm down.”
Ashton actually understands, he understands why Luke is doing this, knows that Luke just wants to be normal and this fucked up habit is allowing him to put on a brave face in public. Even if he is crumbling inside.
“Luke, I need to tell you something.” Ashton sighs. He needs to tell Luke, because Luke deserves to know. If Luke knows how much Ashton adores them then it may give him a reason to not do this to himself. “When you got drunk, after Newcastle, you told me you were in love with a guy.”
Luke panics, his eyes glaze over and he buries his face into his hands. His breath becomes rapid and wheezy, it’s like Ashton just told him something awful.
“Listen.” Ashton insists, pulling Luke’s hands away from his face so they’re looking at each other. “I was jealous. I couldn’t stand the thought of you with another guy because, fuck, Luke, I think of you as mine. I want you to be mine.”
“I am yours.” Luke whispers, his breath is shaky and his voice cracks.
“You what?” Ashton says, disbelieving what he just heard.
“I am yours. I just want to be yours.” Luke says, his eyes burning into Ashton’s. He’s looking kind of helpless, like he thinks Ashton will run far far away.
“You’re my Lukey, yeah?” Ashton says as he presses a kiss to Luke’s forehead.
“I was talking about you. It drove me crazy, you drive me crazy.” Luke whispers to him.
“I’m so glad Luke, so glad. Wouldn’t have been able to let any other guy touch you.” Ashton is possessive over Luke and he doesn’t even care. Luke is his, but he can’t have his boy hurting himself.
“This is the last time you hurt yourself, the last time. You hear? Luke you are so much better than that, you can’t do that.” Ashton says, trying to sound like a figure of authority, because Luke’s more likely to listen if Ashton talks like that.
“Yeah, promise.” Luke says, he’s looking at Ashton’s lips and licking his own. He’s just too shy to lean all the way in and close the gap between them. So Ashton does. He takes Luke’s cheeks into his hands and presses a soft kiss to his lips.
It’s perfect. Luke’s perfect.
———-
The dynamic between them changes slightly and it makes Luke happier than he’s ever been. Ashton stays in Luke’s bed at night which helps him get up when he’s feeling low. Ashton is always there when Luke has to face a crowd of people. Ashton knows exactly what to do when Luke breaks down, because Ashton knows Luke. Better than anyone.