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Amanda didn’t intend to get drunk that night.
It wasn’t the weekend, and the night wasn’t exactly intended to be a celebration. Fin had just said, “Wanna grab a couple beers?”
It all seemed so simple; almost innocent. A benign idea with no likelihood of having a devastating conclusion.
The two partners were intending on having more of a bonding experience, kicking back and hanging out rather than sitting in a cold, cramped squad car waiting for some perp to slip up. A few drinks, some stories and some laughs.
Fin had chosen a non-sports bar to eliminate any potential gambling triggers for Amanda.
She’d tried to argue with him that sport was cultural and therefore an art form, but Fin countered with the fact that you couldn’t make a bet on a Keith Haring picture, so they’d decided to pick a bar that didn’t have too many televisions.
Whiskey shots with beer chasers were usually Amanda’s defacto anaesthetic of choice, and this time was no exception.
What was different that night was that Amanda was overtired to the point where she was almost delirious, but unable to relax yet. The case had stalled, but there was no closure, despite the long hours they’d been putting in.
Fin was nursing something that may or may not have been alcoholic but, either way, Amanda was oblivious, having had too many shots and beers to notice anything but the buzz, the stories, and the safety of her partner’s company.
As the alcohol started to well and truly kick in, Amanda entered the affectionate stage of drunkenness.
“Fin?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I love our squad.”
“Yeah. Squad is family.” Fin mentally clocked where Amanda was in her alcoholic haze.
“Not just family. I love everyone differently. I love Carisi because he’s such a stand-up guy—he’s like a faithful puppy.”
Fin snorted, silently agreeing with the observation.
“I’ll be sure to pass that on.”
Amanda ignored that and continued, “I love you too, Fin, because you—you’re like my brother-in-arms. I trust you with my life. My whole life.”
That also rang true. Fin reciprocated the sentiment wholeheartedly.
“Back at you Rollins.”
They clinked glasses.
The next one came out of left field.
“And, most of all, I love Livvy. Sooo much. Not just because she’s so beautiful and kind and beautiful and amazing and hot and sexy and…”
“Lemme stop you right there for a minute. You think Liv’s hot and sexy?”
Amanda’s expression was dreamy, like a love struck teenager. She wondered what part Fin didn’t understand.
“That’s what I said, isn’t it?”
Fin’s eyes narrowed as he grinned. This would be great teasing material to file away for sometime in the future when Amanda was sober.
“You have a girl crush on her, Rollins?”
“Nope. I have a love crush on her. I want to be her girlfriend sooo bad. Poor Amanda, doomed to unrequited love…”
Or maybe it wasn’t teasing material after all. Maybe it was serious.
“I didn’t even know you liked women.”
“Do I not fit your picture of a woman who loves women, Fin? Were you expecting a stereotype? Should I have short hair?”
Fin put his hands up and backed off.
“Hey, I didn’t mean it like that. I guess it just never occurred to me. You’re always hooking up with guys.”
Amanda looked at him, her eyes glazed as she poured her heart out with the candour of the well and truly inebriated.
“Maybe I take what I can get. I get horny, just like everyone else, you know.” She pointed a finger to emphasise her point. “I have needs. Men are easy. They disappear as soon as they’re done. It’s just sex, you know. One and done.”
“Women are different?”
“Women are complicated. Women have depths. Women have an emotional capacity for connection that goes way beyond anything a man can comprehend. Also? We can keep going. For hours. Men not so much. No offence.”
Fin felt more impressed than slighted. Women. Who knew?
“None taken.”
“I would take Olivia any day. I’d make her sooo happy. I would kiss her and…”
“Okay, hold it right there. I do not want pictures of whatever you’re thinking about in my mind.”
Amanda sighed dramatically, looking down at the condensation dripping from her glass.
“I do.”
“It certainly sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into that. I think you’ve had enough, Rollins. Let’s call it a night.”
Fin ordered an Uber then helped Amanda up from her chair.
“Yeah. I’m getting sad now. No Livvy for Amanda. No Liv love, but I love Liv…”
Making sure that Amanda had her bag and phone, Fin ushered her to the doorway, where the Uber he’d ordered was already waiting.
He rode with her to make sure she got home safe and, when they reached her apartment, Fin saw her in before heading home himself.
Once Amanda was inside her home, she was safe from the evils of the world…but not, unfortunately, safe from herself.
She picked up her phone and began to text Olivia.
Amanda: Are you awake?
Olivia: I am now
I went 4 drinks with Fin
Did you have fun?
Best time ever!!! but i missed you
Are you drunk, Amanda?
Yep
Are you home?
Yep
You’re drunk texting your boss.
Put away the phone, Amanda
But i need to tell you i love you. 💖
I love you too.
Now put the phone down and go to sleep
Do you really really love me?💘
👀 what’s going on here?
I said I love you and I meant it ❤️❤️❤️
Okay…
I think you’re beautiful 💖
And hot ❤️🔥
And sexy 💗
🤣 I get the point. Go to sleep.
You’re going to regret this in the morning
Maybe but I will still feel the
love feelings about you 😍😍😍
Will you go out with me? Please? Please?
I love you 💘💋😍💘💋😍
Goodnight Amanda 💖
The next morning, Olivia arrived early, coffee in hand and swaggered purposefully into the 1-6.
She nodded for Fin to follow her into her office as soon as she entered the squad room.
She sat down and got straight to the point.
“You went drinking with Amanda last night, huh?”
Fin looked at Olivia like that might have been a trick question in a test he hadn’t studied for.
“Did she call in sick?”
Olivia looked at the pile of papers on her desk.
“Not yet, but I’m going to assume. Fin, how much did she drink?”
This line of questioning was not going in a positive direction. Still, Fin answered directly.
“She was pretty wasted. Why?”
“I got some texts last night.”
“Oh HELL no!” Fin’s inner voice screamed.
“Oh,” he said instead.
“Yeah. Oh.” The seriousness of Olivia’s expression made Fin extremely uncomfortable on Amanda’s behalf.
He needed to know exactly how bad this was for his partner.
“Did she…make any confessions?”
“She did.”
There it is. Worst case scenario.
“I better go talk to her.”
“I think you should.”
Fin turned to leave.
Olivia tried and failed to hide a slight smile on her face.
“Oh—and Fin? Tell her it’s okay. That we can talk about it later—if she feels comfortable.”
Fin didn’t know what to make of that, so he just nodded his head.
“Okay.”
After several knocks, a bleary eyed Amanda opened her door. She looked sheepishly at Fin and let him in.
“I brought you a burger with fries and a coke. And Tylenol.”
Her eyes widened at the fast food he was holding towards her, taking it from him like a powerup in a game that might disappear if she didn’t grab it immediately.
“Thank you. I need hangover food. Shit—I didn’t call in yet.”
Fin tried for reassurance.
“It’s okay. Liv didn’t expect you to come in today anyway.”
Amanda looked genuinely surprised.
“Why?”
Fin looked blankly at her, recalibrating.
Great, he was going to have to be the one who broke Amanda today.
“Aw shit. You haven’t looked at your phone yet.”
“My phone?”
“Check it.”
Amanda quickly headed back to her bedroom to find her phone.
As she unlocked the screen and checked her texts, the full horror of the night before was unveiled.
She ran back into the living room.
“NOOOOOO! WHAT THE FUCK, FIN???”
“Yeah.”
“What have I done? How did you know? Oh fuck, she told you, didn’t she? She told you!!!”
Amanda had started pacing the room, panicked and processing the full impact of her drunken actions.
Fin started with her gently.
“Do you remember anything from last night?”
“I remember lots of things…”
“Do you remember when you started lovin’ everyone?”
“Oh. Ohhhh…yeah.”
“After a couple of very heartfelt revelations, I thought we should get an Uber. Then I took you home.”
“And left me with my emotional deadly weapon.”
“Well, I couldn’t exactly confiscate it. I thought you’d just go to bed. Hell, I still don’t know what you sent.”
Amanda froze.
“She didn’t tell you? What did she say?”
“She said to tell you that ‘it’s okay and you can talk about it with her later if you feel comfortable’.”
Amanda held her hands out in the international sign of ‘what the fuck?’.
“She said ‘it’s okay’? What the hell does that mean?”
Fin shrugged.
“I thought you’d know.”
“I need a drink.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
Amanda was still wide eyed and visibly calculating the viability of escape routes.
“How did she seem? Was she angry? Annoyed?”
“Maybe…I don’t know…slightly amused?”
There was a pause, before Amanda lost it completely.
“AMUSED??? My life is over. I’m going to have to leave town. Where will I go? California? No, too close. Antarctica? Too cold. Australia? Yes—I’ll become a surfer and hangout with the Hemsworths.”
“You’re spiralling.”
“No, I’m planning.”
“You should probably talk to Liv about it.”
Amanda spun around.
“Are you NUTS? What can possibly say to make this better? Gee, Liv, sorry I poured my heart out to you and came on to you last night, we’re good, right?”
It was Fin’s turn to freeze.
“You came on to her?”
Amanda looked at him like he had no idea of the severity of the situation.
“I told her I loved her, that she was hot and sexy and I asked her out.”
“Oh.”
“No, Fin, not ‘oh’. I’m done. I can never face her again.”
Fin was lost, unable to think of solutions.
“Okay—what should I do? How can I help you?”
“Just leave, Fin. There’s nothing you can do.”
“What do I tell Liv?”
Amanda was defeated and desperate.
“Tell her I was still asleep…or maybe in a coma—that’ll buy me some time…”
“That’s what you’re going with?”
“For now, yes.”
Amanda hustled Fin back out the door.
“My life is over,” she thought.
Amanda didn’t show for work the next day, either. Or the day after that.
By the evening, she was still in pjs and moping in front of a rom-com that she wasn’t really paying much attention to, with Frannie asleep on the couch near her feet.
There was a knock at the door. Amanda tried to ignore it at first, but thought better of it. It was probably Fin doing a welfare check.
She hoped he brought pizza this time.
Amanda opened the door to Fin, but came face to face with Olivia instead.
Olivia did, at least, have a pizza box in her hands.
She cut to the chase.
“Amanda, I think we need to talk.”
Unable to meet Olivia’s gaze, Amanda focused on the pizza box instead.
“Then I think you need to come in, Liv.”
“Good idea.”
Olivia came through the door and Amanda took her coat.
They sat on the couch, Frannie having moved when Amanda got the door. The pizza box sat in front of them.
“Can I get you a drink?”
“I think drinking is what got us here, isn’t it?”
“Oh. Yeah. Slice of pizza?”
“Okay. It’s pepperoni and olives—there’s a metaphor there, if you look hard enough.
Olivia smirked a little.
“Seeing as you’ve been avoiding me, I think I should start.”
Amanda couldn’t think of anything to say so she just looked down, wishing the ground would swallow her up.
“So, I know that you were drunk, and you would never have sent me those texts otherwise…and if I thought that was all it was, I’d probably just have laughed it off with you, but I don’t think that’s the case.”
Amanda still couldn’t look at her. The metaphor—was it supposed to be peace or Olivia? Or was it spicy and salty? She was confused.
“It’s been my experience that alcohol loosens inhibitions, but it doesn’t create feelings out of nowhere. So the things people say when they are drunk are often things that they wish they could say, but normally wouldn’t for whatever reason. So I have a question for you. Did you mean what you said to me that night?”
Amanda was jolted out of her reverie.
“Which bit?”
“Any of it? All of it?”
“I…most of it? Okay, probably all of it.”
“Do you really feel that way about me?”
Amanda tossed around a couple of evasions and decided to go with the truth. No point lying now.
“Um. Yeah.”
“If you were drunk texting again, is it possible that you’d ask me out on a date again?”
“Probably.”
“So your texts were just your feelings without a filter.”
Amanda just stared at Olivia.
“What do the olives mean?”
“Whatever you want them to mean.”
Amanda squinted.
“Peace?”
A playful look crossed Olivia’s face.
“Sure…and possibly more. Think about it later. It’ll come to you after you’ve eaten.”
“That’s unhelpful.”
Olivia smirked.
“So is decrypting unfiltered emotions without an Amanda machine.”
“I’m thinking of moving to Australia,” Amanda deadpanned.
“Don’t do that.”
“Why? There’s nothing here for me.”
“Sure there is. You have a job that you’re good at, friends, a nice apartment, a dog, and a date for tomorrow night.”
“Sorry—what?”
“I said you have a nice job that you’re good at, friends…”
“No—the last bit.”
“A date for tomorrow night?”
“That bit.”
“Well, you did ask me out…”
“But I…I mean you…”
“I have wanted to go out with you for longer than you can possibly imagine.”
“You—you’re interested in going out with me? Like going out out? On an actual date?”
“Yeah. Out out. On a date.”
“You…and me?”
“Amanda. As you said to me: ‘You’re beautiful, hot and sexy. I love you. Will you go out with me?’”
Amanda didn’t answer at first. She just threw her arms around Olivia and hugged her.
“Amanda? Is that a yes?”
“Yes! Yes, I will go out with you!”
“I do have one condition, though.”
Amanda pulled back, panicked.
“What?”
“Give your phone to Fin for the night. Please?”