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Hey Tetia?” Agott whispered in the dark.
Why did I even do this? Ugh, I should just go back to my room.
She turned sharply toward the door. It felt farther away than it should have, stretched thin by the night. Even if she agonized every step, slow and careful, the floor might still betray her…
Back to my room. Where uh, where she is…Right…
The thought alone was enough to pound a doldrum in her chest, and it beat so harshly she was tempted to flee as it would surely wake Richeh and with her luck the entire atelier.
Agott sighed and pinched her brow, already tired of herself.
It's been like this for days now.
When the lights dimmed, and they were summarily marched to bed, Agott would trade a few hours of studying by candlelight for tossing and fidgeting in her sheets. The full pounding seldom ceased, and whenever she'd try to close her eyes…
Coco was there.
In fact, she was damn near everywhere recently. Refining her pen lines? Coco. Nose deep in a textbook? Coco. Eating dinner? Coco. Coco, Coco, Coco!
It was getting ridiculous. Borderline insanity, honestly. At one point she’d found herself pondering—very seriously—if memory erasure was her sole recourse. Because really, what had Coco done to deserve this much of her precious headspace? There had to be a trick to it.
The girl probably lodged a spell circle into her brain, or perhaps the brimhats were at play! Forbidden magic! She didn't know!
There had to be a reason for it. Something logical. Emotions didn’t just appear out of nowhere—they were inputs and outputs, cause and effect, even if people insisted on treating them like magic.
Messy, maybe. Complicated, sure. But not random.
It wasn’t any different than drawing a spell circle!
To start, though, shed need help.
“Tetia?” She whispered again, looming over the girl and slightly shaking her.
Tetia only gave a sleepy giggle, her arms fanning out in slow, aimless sweeps, like she was reaching for something in her dream.
“Hehe…That ticklessssss…”
Ugh….
I didn't want to have to do this, but…
She bent over the girl slowly and grabbed her shoulders. Tetia sleepily giggled again and, with unconscious hands, reached up and cupped her cheeks, tugging and pinching as if she were some doll.
This idiot…
She silently prayed and began her next phase of attack. She found Tetias' Achilles heel, a spot below her chin, and began to tickle.
The faintest brush of her fingers set Tetia off. Her drowsy giggles vanished mid-breath as she yanked at Agott’s cheeks and shot upright, fully awake and entirely too energetic.
“IM UP!”
Agott hastily covered her already rambling mouth.
“Shut up!”
“Agott?”
Tetia fumbled at her words, her eyes searching Agott's face as if she were still in half a dream.
“Yes, it's me, now be quiet! You'll wake Rechie and who knows who else!”
She lowered her voice to a whispered scream—still far too loud for the hour. She craned toward the door and listened, bracing for Master Olly or Qifrey to storm in and ruin her admittedly ridiculous plan. Nothing. Only the darkness, thick as ever, and Richeh’s unmistakable, sawmill snores.
Her sigh of relief was short-lived as Tetia wrenched her hand away.
“What the heck are you doing?” she whispered, catching on quickly.
What was she doing?
Agott's mind was a tangled mess of logical through-lines and outright insanity. She rationalized that Tetia might know a thing or two about this kind of dilemma, or, failing that, she could conjure a spell that would evict the ever-present Coco from her thoughts.
Coco.
There it was again. A thud in her chest, and each passing beat shipped a creeping blush up her neck and to her face. She took a breath, the deepest she’d ever taken.
Agott braced for impact.
“Tetia, I think I’m dying.”
Tetia blinked at her.
“WHAT?”
If Tetia wasn't awake then, she most certainly was now, panicking hands flailing as though she might catch an idea from the air.
“Should I call Qifrey? Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I should! Was it a curse? It had to be! Forbidden magic? Oh no, don't tell me! Oh no no no!”
Agott quickly seized her face and smooshed her cheeks together. For some reason, that always seemed to simmer her down.
“I was being hyperbolic.”
I mean, I wasn't, I am literally dying right now, but if it'll calm her…
“Hyper…”
“It means I'm exaggerating.”
An odd mix of confusion and understanding bloomed on her face.
“Ok but…Should I call—”
“Don't call anyone!” If Agott could scream she would've. The mere notion of Qifrey or anyone else discovering her affliction would surely send her spiraling.
“Listen. I just…I need help with something. A personal matter. I thought you'd be the best for that kind of thing.”
Agott let her hands fall. Tetia, for once, had nothing to say.
“You want me to help…You?”
“Yes.”
“Me?” She pointed to herself.
“Yes.”
“Help you?”
“You already said that.”
“I know, I know—it’s just satisfying hearing you say it,” she chuckled. “Usually it’s the other way around, and—”
“Alright, alright, I get it! Now will you please just hear me out?”
Agott pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering fruitlessly why out of all her usually brilliant ideas, this was the one that reared its stupid head.
“Anything you need! If Agott’s gott-a problem Master Tetia is on the case!”
Maybe picking her was a mistake…
She cleared her throat and steadied her thoughts.
Careful. Logical. That was all this was, a problem of reason, nothing more.
“Recently I've been thinking of Coco more often than not.”
Tetia tilted her head like a confused puppy.
“Coco?”
“Yes. For some reason, she's been on my mind as of late, and every time I think about her my chest starts to hurt and I feel…I feel…”
What's the word for it?
Tetia answered for her.
“Funny? Like butterflies in your stomach?”
Agott snapped a finger.
“Yes exactly!”
She noticed Tetia’s usual grin widen beyond normal. With every word she uttered, it seemed to stretch further and further, almost to her ears. Agott hadn’t even known a human face was capable of such an expression.
“When we're studying in the commons, I feel stiff and awkward, and whenever I see her I feel like I'm suffocating!”
A prickly warmth pooled on her cheeks and dripped down her neck.
“Whenever I see her smile, I…”
Just the image of Coco’s toothy grin was enough to spiral a whirlwind of mortification through her. Her face was boiling so much she half suspected steam might actually be drifting off her head.
She cleared her throat and clapped her hands to gather her bearings.
“A-Anyways! You could see why this is a problem right? I have a few hypotheses I'd like to share, and if I could just get your—”
“You like her!”
If a smile could scream, Tetia would be hollering.
“Like?” Agott replied, stunned.
Tetia nodded giddily, “Mhm! You like her!”
What did that mean?
Of course she likes Coco. It seemed a normal thing to grow accustomed to a fellow apprentice living beside you. Sure, she was an outsider, an unknowing, and maybe they started on the wrong foot, but she never truly despised her, disliked her.
And wasn’t “like” simply the inverse of “dislike”? That was how words worked. That was how they were supposed to work.
“Well, of course I do. She’s an apprentice, same as you. I like you, Tetia. And Richeh and Qifrey—even Olly—”
Tetia cut in, shaking her head. “No, no, no! You don’t like her like that. You like her.”
Agott raised a brow.
“I don't follow.”
Tetia put a finger to her chin and closed her eyes, deep in thought.
“Hmmm…I guess what I mean is that you like her more than normal. Like…you want to kiss her and stuff!”
Kiss?
Kiss…As in…Me and…Coco?
“ARE YOU INSANE?” Agott almost shouted, the phrase bursting out of her before she wrestled them down to a hush. Crimson swept her face like wildfire, a blaze so furious she worried it might scorch the atelier down to cinders.
“I-Is this revenge for something I did? I'm asking you for help and you're just messing around!”
This has to be some prank, some private joke Tetia shared with the rest of the apprentices, one she was careful not to be made privy to. They knew she was prone to spells of red-streaked embarrassment. They all knew.
“I’m not messing with you!” Tetia insisted, hands balling up in the bedsheets.
“Then why accuse me of—”
“I’m not accusing you!” Tetia cut in, a whispered scream. “I’m just telling you what I'm hearing!”
Agott crossed her arms, the motion sharp enough to draw a line in the air between them.
“Elaborate.”
Tetia promptly shut her eyes and drew her mouth in a taut line. For a moment, Agott wondered if she’d simply gone back to her dreams. It wouldn’t have been out of character.
“Um…”
Just as quickly, her eyes snapped open again, a flicker passing through them like someone had lit a floatglow lamp behind her thoughts.
She shifted on the mattress and patted the spot next to her.
“Come lie down and Master Tetia will solve all your problems!”
Agott’s face painted in weary confusion, her frown ink-dark and lined with rising ire. If not for their friendship, she would have shot up and stormed out without another word.
But what do I have to lose?
She let out a lengthy, annoyed breath and went to lie down.
“This better not be a joke.”
Her posture was all stiffness and flat, like a plank of wood given the bare courtesy of skin.
Tetia was her opposite, beaming brightly as if she hadn't been chastised mere moments ago.
“Alright, now close your eyes.”
“Do I have to?”
“Master Tetia says so. Her word is law after all!”
Why am I even entertaining this? This is so annoying…
She relented, and the dim suggestions of the room dissolved into total darkness.
“Ok, now what?”
“Alright! Now I want you to imagine Coco.”
If Agott was a master at anything, it was dutifully following instructions.
Coco came to her easily. Golden hair falling over her eyes as she poured over her notes, fingers brushing strands aside without thinking. Her hard-working eyes crinkling when a smile graced her face, almost glowing it seemed to her. There was that faint, ever-present pink on her cheeks when she observed Agott in her studies, when she watched her closely. Her love of magic was obvious in everything she did—a careful carelessness, a certain earnestness she had never seen in a witch, let alone an outsider. Her hands.
The familiar drum thudded in her chest, and she felt the prickly blush creep up her neck once more.
Even now she could feel Tetias' knowing smirk.
“N-Now what?”
“Imagine if Coco got close with someone. Someone else, let's say Tartah. Imagine if she started to like like him. Y’know, sneaking to the shop every now and then, laughing at his jokes, all that. How would that make you feel?”
She could picture it clearly. Kahln visits were rare, but whenever they happened, Coco would light up and barrage Tartah with questions about healing herbs, magic, conjuring ink, anything she could get her mitts on. He was always willing to respond, and together they would inevitably drift into long, enthusiastic rambling sessions about the magnificence of magic.
Together…
Tartah and Coco…Her smiles at him and not me…Not me…
“I'd kill him.” She said flatly.
She started to get up from the mattress but was hastily pushed down again.
“Wait wait! Calm down, it's only imaginary!”
The word imaginary shouldn’t have been so satisfying. But knowing such a reality didn’t exist felt like drinking from a vapor bubble in a desert, sweet relief.
Why was she angry? Why would I be bitter if Coco ended up liking him?
He wasn't a bad person; in fact, Agott admired his profession. Coco deserves friends, better, kinder people than the likes of her.
Her hands flew up, hiding her face as heat and embarrassment spread across her in a flush of red.
“Ughhh…” Her voice came muffled through her hands.
She felt Tetia's curious eyes on her.
“Was Master Tetia correct?”
She couldn’t—wouldn’t—dignify her with an answer. To hear the words in her own voice would be too unbearable.
Tetia didn’t seem to like that and prodded her arm with a finger.
“Why are you so upset? It’s sweet that you like her! It's supposed to be happy!”
She felt the girl shift a little. There was an unfamiliar nervousness to her.
“Are you ashamed because she was an unknowing?” Her voice came thin, soft. A hint of disappointment tinged the words.
“No! Of course not!”
“Then why?” Tetia tilted her head.
That was the reason she came here. The dreaded “why.”
The faint rustle of cloth and the soft creak of the room settled into silence. She could hear her own breathing behind her hands, shallow pulls, uneven, like they didn’t quite belong to her.
If she stayed still enough, maybe it would pass. Maybe this tightness, this dull pounding in her core would loosen its grip and slip away like dreams come the dawn.
“I’m just… I’m scared…”
Tetia blinked.
“Scared? Of Coco?”
She recalled their first meeting clearly, as if peering through a window into the past.
Her words. So callous, so cruel and vindictive. Blaming her, blaming Coco—a victim of the brimmed hats, the one who lost her mother, lost everything.
Agott uncovered her face and rested her palms flat against the mattress.
“I’m scared of rejection…”
Her rejection.
Her words surprised her, as if they’d come from someone else. But no, she couldn’t hide behind that. Not anymore. She needed to be honest.
“You like her a lot, don't you?”
“…Yes.”
Tetia's eyes declared victory.
“Then why would she reject you? You're like the greatest apprentice ever! And even if she did, you'd still be friends! A win-win!”
Why would she reject me? Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because I've thrown her trauma in her face? Bullied her the moment she stepped into our world?
Staying friends?
Agott cringed at the notion of tarnishing their already fragile relationship with her erratic feelings. Coco would be kind enough to smile and remain friends. But if wouldn't be the same. Never the same.
Ugh, I'm such an idiot…
This possibility had never even crossed her mind. Not in a thousand years would she have thought to simply ask herself the obvious. Impressive, really, considering how much else her mind managed to obsess over.
She liked her. Really liked her. No amount of studying could have prepared her for that.
“Are you going to confess?” Tetia asked, swooning with her hands clasped together. “Awwww that would be so cute! Can I help? Please?”
Another plume of steam drifted off her head.
A part of Agott desired that her feelings remained buried with her. Preferably sealed in an iron tomb first, then thrown into the sea. Maybe even devoured by the library guardian, who knows?
“CONFESS?”
“Mhm! I've never seen courtship in person! Oh wait, maybe outsiders do it differently? Hmm, that could be a problem…”
“M-Me? Confess to…her?”
Tetia waved off her panicking with a dismissive hand, “Well duh? What other thing is there to do?”
Was she right? Was this her only path forward?
She imagined it in her head. Coco's eyes directly on her—not just looking at her but through her as well. The dreaded silence before a yes or a no.
How were you supposed to confess anyway? Were there rules? Did she need a letter? A display of magic? Some kind of proof she was worthy?
What if I mess it up? What if she says no? Sure, she admitted her fears, but that didn't exactly get rid of them!
Wait, why am I even considering this?
Confessing…Coco…
Thump. Thump.
The dark room was alive with a beating drum.
Where was that coming from?
Oh.
It’s my heart again.
She bolted up as stiff as she had lain down. Tetia nearly fell off the mattress and chuckled again at her awkwardness.
“Nope, no! Okay! That’s enough! Thank you Tetia I will be going now! Yep!”
“Master Tetia,” she insisted.
Agott side-eyed her.
“T-Thank you Master Tetia,” she said through gritted teeth, forcing a smile.
“Thank you for your thanks!” Tetia gave an all too bright thumbs up. “Master Tetia was right! Just like always!”
I need to leave before I have a heart attack… Wait, what if I’m already having one? How would I know? Dying now would be horribly inconvenient.
Mortifying, even.
Yes, this was the obvious avenue. Perfectly logical. Completely rational.
She needed to leave. Now.
She scrambled off the mattress and hurried to the door, fumbling in the dark and bumping into anything and everything.
“Um, Agott? Are you—”
“I’m fine! I’m good! Gotta go!” she cut in, already wrestling with the latch like it had personally wronged her.
“Agott…?”
She rattled the thing until it clicked.
Victory.
She yanked the door open a little too fast, nearly tripping over the threshold on her way out. Recovering with what she hoped was pride (it was not), she stepped into the hall and ripped the door shut behind her.
Sleep wouldn’t come.
She lay curled in her sheets as the night wore on, knowing that in a few hours, daybreak would peel back the darkness over the atelier—and with it, she’d have to face Coco once more.
Not the one in her thoughts. The real one. Flesh and blood.
While Tetia did help her sort out her feelings, she didn't exactly ameliorate the aches in her chest, the longing inside her. In fact, it only seemed to grow worse.
I like Coco… I like her… I want…
She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to shrink into a ball of nothing.
She wanted to scream, or draw. Something, anything.
“What do I do…” she mumbled, letting the words slip free.
It was easier to admit her inexperience like this. Quietly. Alone.
She could never do it in front of her master or the others. Some kind of twisted pride, maybe. She hated being seen as just a kid.
Yet for some reason, her thoughts grew hazy. Despite the pounding in her chest, her arms went heavy and numb, and the circles her mind raced dissolved into nothing.
In spite of the turmoil, in spite of everything, sleep finally embraced her.
Finally…
Though after what felt like only seconds, light and warmth brushed her face.
“Sunrise?” she muttered, deeply betrayed.
You've gotta be kidding me….