Chapter Text
Rocky had told him once about a legend on Erid, one of those stories that had been passed down between generations from an era that understood very little science and chalked everything up to ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’.
He’d finally finished constructing a xenonite suit for Grace that wasn’t a chunky mess of panels slapped together in a hurry like the one made in space. This one was modelled after his own form fitting suit, making it much easier to move around in and was far more comfortable for Grace. It allowed him to travel more often outside of his biosphere, albeit slowly. Not only was it a whole new type of ‘awkward’ he had to learn, Rocky’s planet was still pitch black and required Grace to be carrying a torch with him at all times in order to see where he was going. More than once had Rocky given him an earful for moving too quickly and rushing straight into what served on Erid as a ‘historic piece of architecture’. It all looked like a pile of rocks to Grace, but who was he to judge.
Rocky had decided that day to take Grace to one of the many ‘sight seeing’ spots on the planet, leading him up a series of hills and paths until they reached the top of what looked like a large valley. Grace gasped as he looked over the rocks, barely illuminated by the ‘sunlight’ peaking through the thick sky atmosphere, giving the appearance of a million of shimmering stars coating the landscape in front of him.
“Wow, Rock.. it’s beautiful up here.”
Rocky chirped in agreement, settling himself down into a comfortable loaf as he tapped his foot against the ground. Grace clambered up the path to sit beside him, turning off his torch to take in the sight in front of him in all its glory.
“Yes, is beautiful. This is ♬♪♪♮♩, popular spot on Erid. Good place to take family and good friends, make wish, ask ♩♮♩♬ for guidance. Rocky wish to show Grace”
“Ask for guidance, huh? What do you mean?”
“Is story, not science, but meaningful to many Eridians. You come here and talk to ♩♮♩♬. If she listen, she grant wish.”
“Like.. a canyon genie? God? I didn’t realise Eridians had any form of religion…”
“Is not religion, is just story.” Rocky shakes his carapace, ‘looking’ out onto the rocks. “♩♮♩♬ offer chance to do again, repeat a mistake or fix a problem. Only offered to good good good Eridians who need it.”
Grace hummed in thought. So this ♩♮♩♬ was like some sort of genie.
“A do-over? Like a groundhog day situation?”
“No understand.” Right, they hadn’t gotten to that one yet.
“It’s a story on Earth. A man makes some bad choices and he’s forced to relive the same day over and over again until he makes up for them.”
“No, not like that. Only do-over once. Another chance, for good Eridian who deserve it.”
“Understand.” Grace looked over to Rocky and smiled, twisting round and pressing his back to his friend so he could look up at the sky. “You want a do-over?”
“No. Rocky happy, not need do-over. Rocky regrets many things, but not going on mission. Not meeting Grace, saving Earth and Erid. Rocky satisfied.”
“Really? There’s nothing you would do differently?”
“No, statement.” Rocky stomped a fist into the ground, firm in his choice. Grace felt him twist his carapace to ‘face’ him. “Would Grace do-over?”
“I don’t know bud. There’s a lot of stuff that I’d do differently if I had the chance. But I don’t regret how it went down. I got to meet you didn’t I? Saved two planets, became a hero. Not bad, huh?”
Grace closed his eyes briefly, sighing with a contentment he didn’t quite feel. A do-over sounded a lot more appealing that he was willing to admit to Rocky. So much of what brought him to Erid was out of his control, and while he didn’t regret meeting his best friend and choosing to spend the rest of his life here, he couldn't help mourn for the things he left behind.
“...Grace leaking, statement.” Rocky commented quietly, almost as if he didn’t want to bring up the fact that Grace had in fact started tearing up. He laughed, unable to wipe his eyes in his xenonite suit.
“Yeah bud.”
“Grace okay, question?” His friend asked, followed by his signature double tap of the fist.
“Yeah, I’m okay pal. I just… I told you about my brothers.”
“Yes. Grace twin and Grace older hatchmate.”
Grace nodded, not trusting his voice. It wasn’t often that Grace liked to talk about his brothers, especially with how he left things on Earth. Court had been dead for years by the time Project Hail Mary was born, but it still didn’t hurt any less thinking about how his older brother would have reacted to the world ending and Grace being shot into space against his will. He would have fought it, just like he had fought for the twins growing up, up until his dying breath.
Colt was his biggest regret. After Colt’s accident, his twin had pushed him away from trying to help with the recovery, so much so that they had barely spoken in the years following. They both got caught up in their own lives right up until Grace had seen Colt’s face plastered all over the news. He’d dropped everything to go to him after the investigation was called off, yelled at him for hours for pushing him away and then stayed by his side for days as he recovered from the trauma of, well, nearly dying.
They’d been working on their relationship a lot since that day, having promised each other to never let something so simple get in the way of their bond ever again.
On the day Ryland was murdered, Colt didn’t pick up the phone.
For three hours he tried calling him, only to leave dozens of heartbreaking voicemails in his wake. Ryland couldn’t bare to imagine the ‘afterwards’, when his brother finally looked at his phone.
“... I just regret sometimes that I never got to say goodbye, you know? To either of them. I’ll never get to tell them that I’m okay, that I made it. I’d do anything to show them this”. He gestured out towards the valley, the sounds of his voice gently echoing against the smooth, shiny stone.
“Grace brothers would be proud of Grace, statement.” Rocky said proudly, reassuring Grace with a soft hum that he felt vibrate through the suit. He sighed and looked up at the sky again.
“I’d like to think so Rocky.”
He let his eyes adjust to the dark, the swirling atmosphere of Erid starting to dance in his vision. If he looked for long enough, he’d sometimes swear that he could see the planets of Erid’s solar system in the sky, as beautiful as his own was. Little stars started to shake in his vision, urging him to blink. Grace fought the urge, wanting to look up at the planets for just a moment longer…
____________
“Knock Knock.”
Ryland’s gaze was ripped away from the paper planets strung on his ceiling as the woman’s voice echoed through the otherwise empty classroom, sending a sudden chill down his spine. Stratt? He met her eyes from across his desk as she approached with that air of confidence she always had, so sure of herself and her decisions. She had brought with her a small satchel, one that Ryland knew instantly contained a copy of his research paper.
How did he know that?
“Dr Grace?” She continued, accepting that she wasn’t getting an answer from the man when silence followed her first comment.
“Uh, maybe?” He replied, letting the words fall from his lips with practiced confusion, following a script in the back of his mind. They’d had this conversation before, hadn’t they? He knew this woman was powerful, capable of convincing an entire room of scientists to bend to her every word. He’d seen it multiple times, but how? They’d never met, never exchanged pleasantries before this interaction. Yet Ryland knew the next thing she was going to say was about-
“Eva Stratt, I’m with the Petrova Taskforce.” The Petrova Taskforce! Of course, the Petrova line. Ryland knew that name well, it had become his entire life for months. Ryland was suddenly hit with memories of red and black, dots scurrying across the petri dish, creating boxes coated with CO2 signatures… It made him dizzy. Ryland took his feet off the desk, rubbing his temple with his palm. His mind was spinning, filled with encounters and experiments he had no recollection of conducting. The dots, the space dots as his kids had called them, they were… a life form, an alien lifeform! From space! Oh wow…
“I- Is this about astrophage?” Ryland looked up, hoping to have solved the mystery of why this woman was here. Stratt eyed him curiously and Ryland realised that he had just interrupted her, a question still on her lips. She was holding up the papers, his research papers. “Did you write this…”
“Oh that’s… not…” He began, quickly gathering up his things from the desk.
“What is ‘astrophage’?” She questioned him, taking a step closer, placing his research paper down so that Ryland had the pleasure of reading that god awful title. He cringed, thinking back to those academic days and the ego that had puppeteered his life for years. Nopenopenope-
“It’s nothing, really. I should get going.”
“Dr Grace, I need your help. I read your paper, I’m particularly interested in this section here where you write about the ‘goldilocks zone’.” Stratt rattled on about his paper, paying close attention to the claim he had been adamant about back in college; that water was not essential for life. He still stood by what he wrote, to be clear, but hearing his takes being read back to him after so many years of trying to pretend that part of his life was over was like a smack in the face. Especially since it was pointless.
“Oh that’s not important, it- uh, I was wrong.” He tried to argue, grabbing his bicycle helmet and starting to make his way out of the classroom. He knew Stratt would follow him, somehow. It didn’t matter. “Astrophage is a water based lifeform, it’s a cell. Those little critters have got some mighty fine biology. It’s actually quite fascinating-”
“Dr Grace, you’re not listening to me. I need a biologist who believes in the abnormal for this specific request. I have a petrova sample waiting in a laboratory, I need you to analyse it.” Eva explained, following him all the way out of the building as expected. Ryland huffed, turning around to face her.
“No, you’re not listening. I’ve already told you, it’s a water based lifeform.”
“How do you know?”
Ryland stopped his retort before it came out. How did he know that? This whole time he had been running on autopilot, not stopping to think about what he was saying. He knew exactly what Stratt wanted, knew that soon a black car would pull up with a bunch of security guards, haul him away to some secret lab where he would spend hours in an argon filled room poking and prodding at a sample only to realise that his entire life’s theorem was wrong and that astrophage was…
Wait.
He really had done this before. He was remembering it clearly now, all coming back to him in a flash. He pictured scientists in a room listening to him harp on about astrophage breeding, talks of a ship called the Hail Mary being sent out into space, an explosion, a rainbow…
“You think it’s a lifeform?” said Stratt, eyeing him curiously once more like she was trying to see into his head.
“Well…” ‘It is’ Ryland wanted to say, to scream. Stratt should know all about this already, it seemed illogical to imagine a world where she hadn’t listened to him prattle on about the tiny little aliens for hours. And yet at the same time, it was obvious that the woman would have no clue what was in the petrova sample yet. Why? Because at this time, they hadn’t even opened the box yet. Both scenarios were true, yet completely contradictory.
“I can prove it.” Ryland settled on. This memory of a life he hadn’t yet lived was still slowly coming back to him and he still didn’t quite understand it, but he knew for certain that he needed to help Stratt. He could get the scientists up to speed much quicker than last time, get them breeding astrophage at an astronomical rate and quickly too. There was no time to waste. Stratt seemed to accept his statement, gesturing to a man off to the side to bring round a car for Ryland. Carl, his brain supplied. His name was Carl.
____________
It took much less convincing this time around for Stratt to keep him on the project, given that he was able to prove astrophage’s existence within the first minute of entering the lab. He was able to forgo all his pointless experiments from the first go around, instead jumping straight into the good ol’ poke-it-with-a-stick. Never fails. After they had analysed what astrophage was made out of, Ryland happily took his three dots and started work on proving that he could make them reproduce, a statement that had Stratt and every other officer present raising their eyebrows. She gave him what he needed, then left him to it.
As Ryland waited for the rest of the team to file out of the lab, he let himself breathe for the first time since Stratt had entered his classroom. He’d been so caught up in being able to show off in front of everyone his speed and efficiency, no matter the cause for it, that he had not yet stopped to properly analyse what was going on in his head. These ‘false memories’ were starting to become clearer with each hour, forming a world that seemed unable to exist and yet made perfect sense. He knew what Stratt was going to tell him seconds before she did, he knew how the astrophage was going to react before he’d even suggested the experiment. He was an expert, and yet every time they got closer to a new ‘discovery’, his brain tinged in pain and a feeling of dread brushed his stomach, like he was rushing towards the end of a waterfall without even attempting to stop his fate.
Astrophage was killing the sun, it was siphoning all its energy and heat and if he didn’t act fast, then humanity and everyone on earth would go extinct. This much he was certain. So wasn’t it a good thing that he was speeding up the discovery process?
The thought made his chest tighten. He winced, putting down the whiteboard pen that he was using to scribble his findings. Even that felt familiar, god..
“Carl, I’m going to get some air.” He called after himself, chucking on his coat as he ran out of the lab. The man made a small noise of acknowledgement, looking down at his phone in boredom. It’s a shame they hadn’t had the chance to go shopping yet…
Ryland made his way outside, taking in a whiff of fresh air. It did little to calm the heart currently beating out of his chest as he rested against a nearby wall. He ran his fingers through his hair, taking off his glasses in the process and resting them under his chin. There was something he was missing, it was clearer now than before. Whatever life it was that Ryland was remembering, it was drawing closer to something that filled him with dread and pain.
He took out his phone stashed in his back pocket, glancing at the notifications that had popped up since this whole thing started. The last text he’d received was from his brother, Colt, talking about some private screening he was going to drag Ryland to. They’d joked about showing up wearing the same suit to try and confuse the photographers who would barely know Colt’s name, let alone that he had a twin. It made him smile, yet the thought of his brother sent that familiar sense of wrong and regret flowing through him. Huh..
He dialled the number and waited for Colt to pick up, suddenly feeling the need to hear his voice. The feeling in his chest was getting stronger with each trill of the dialtone, eventually leading him to voicemail. Okay, that’s fine. Colt was probably filming, his days were often full and busy, leaving little time to pick up a phone call from his little brother. Most of their facetimes had to be scheduled nowadays after Colt’s return to the spotlight, so him not picking up was not out of the ordinary.
Despite this logic, Ryland still felt sick taking the phone away from his ear. This was wrong, all wrong. What couldn’t he remember? What had happened to him in the future? That had to be it, right? He was somehow back in time, reliving years that had already passed. He didn’t even want to consider the science of that hypothesis, this already didn’t make sense before he added all this ‘sci-fi’ stuff into the mix.
Ryland sighed, stuffing the phone back into his pocket and absentmindedly kicking a rock with his shoe as his head hit the wall behind him. His memories seemed to cut off around the time the Hail Mary was finishing its completion and got fuzzy with the details from that point forward. There was definitely an explosion, Ryland could practically feel the memory of a soundwave hitting his chest and knocking him to the floor. There was a lot of running, a lot of panic. He remembered being on the roof for some of it? There was a chase, a rainbow and then…
“Ugh.” He grunted, frustration filling his voice. What. Was. He. Missing.
A gust of wind blew through the buildings surrounding the lab, causing Ryland to shiver and cover himself with his coat. He shoved his hands under his armpits, pushing himself off of the wall to begin his trek back inside. In doing so, he found himself tripping over the small rock from before, nearly sending him clumsily tumbling to the ground. That would have been embarrassing… Ryland quickly stole a glance around him, making sure no one had seen that, before glaring at the pebble.
“Watch where you’re going, pal.” He grumbled, eyeing the rock. The rock, of course, didn’t respond. Why would it have?
…
…
“Oh god.”
Rocky.
____________
Ryland sat in the meeting room aboard the aircraft carrier, listening to Stratt explain to him the details of Project Hail Mary. He, of course, already knew all about the Hail Mary. He remembered being on that ship for years. He remembered how to pilot it, where the fuel tanks were kept, how the spin drives worked. He remembered saving Earth on that ship.
He remembered meeting his best friend on the Hail Mary. He remembered Rocky.
After returning to the lab, Ryland had never worked so fast to get his astrophage dots to reproduce. He practically ordered the security guards around like lab technicians in a blind state of panic, getting the results to Stratt as soon as was humanly possible. He’d spent the journey to the carrier in deep contemplation, recalling all of his life aboard the Hail Mary and how he had gotten there.
Looking up, Ryland made eye contact with Stratt and asked the appropriate question for the appropriate slide of the presentation, keeping up the appearance of a confused scientist who was in over his head. Seeing Stratt now, knowing what she had done to him- was going to do to him? He was still confused about that part. It hurt, his chest tightened with a deep feeling of betrayal and anger. She hadn’t even damned him yet, wasn’t even considering that as she spoke about the astronauts that would die in space, Ryland would be one of them. Well jokes on her, he didn’t die. In fact, Ryland remembered now what had happened after he’d sent the beetles back to Earth and saved Rocky. Ryland had been given a whole life on Erid, filled with the sounds of the beach and the waves, a life filled with the soft whalesong of his friend and his species who would do anything for him. ‘Hero Grace’ they’d called him, despite how much he had tried to fight the title. He was happy.
Now, back on Earth, back in time, he was learning about the mission all over again. With that new knowledge came a new decision.
It wasn’t a decision really. Ryland knew that if he didn’t board the Hail Mary this time around that there was no guarantee things would play out the way they did the first time. Of course he had every faith in the crew that they would work out what was happening on Tau Ceti and find a way to collect the Taumoeba from Adrian. But what about Rocky? How would they greet his friend, work with him, help him? Would they work out that Taumoeba could get through the xenonite in time? Would they even go back for Rocky, sacrificing their lives for him. Ryland barely made it to Erid with the ship’s full food supply plus the Taumoeba diet, there was no way a crew of three would get even a portion of the way there.
Ryland was silent in contemplation as the meeting around him moved onto further topics, no longer requiring as much of his input. Stratt had sat back down beside him, eyeing him curiously as she was one to do. Ryland gave her a small nod of acknowledgement, feigning being overwhelmed by all of this new information, which mostly got her to leave him alone for the time being as he considered his options.
Stratt was right about one thing, he was selfish. He didn’t care that the primary or even secondary crew of the Hail Mary were more than capable of completing this mission, arguably more than he ever was. They’d probably get the mission done much faster than him and Rocky, having the advantage of being mission ready from the get go. But he was selfish and he’d made his peace long ago with never returning to Earth. He had not made peace with the reality of never seeing Rocky again.
He leaned over to Stratt as the scientists were busy discussing how quickly they could achieve their goal of two million kilograms of astrophage, lost in the endless cycle that was theorising their problem.
“You said a three person crew? Including a scientist?” He whispered, just loud enough to get her attention on him.
“Yes. That is the minimal amount of personnel needed for the mission without compromising its estimated success rate. The science officer will need to be fully trained on astrophage in order to analyse it once they reach Tau Ceti.” She replied coldly, lowering her voice to match his.
“I want to be on the mission.”
Stratt frowned and leaned back in surprise, her mouth falling open for a split second as she registered his request. It was a reasonable reaction, he thought, given that he had only just been briefed about the project and was now suddenly signing his death warrant. If anything, he’d expected more than what she showed, but Stratt had always been good at masking her emotions.
“You- what?”
“I’m fully trained on astrophage, more so than any other scientist could ever be. Sending me is the smartest option.” He explained, trying to keep the shake out of his voice. He knew he’d be fine, he was living proof that he would be fine. Regardless, agreeing to what was still a suicide mission still stabbed pangs of anxiety through his heart.
Stratt was silent for a moment as she processed this. “Did you hit your head during the flight?”
“Oh now you want to hear about how the flight was?”
“You know what I mean.” She argued, her voice raising ever so slightly in frustration with him. Good. It was satisfying to catch her off guard. “Dr Grace, this is extremely unexpected. You’re volunteering?”
“I am.” He confirmed. “You know it doesn’t make logical sense to train someone completely new for this when I already know everything there is to know about astrophage.”
“A week ago, you were teaching a group of middle school children in a classroom, in a job far below your expertise level. You claimed you were happy there, Dr Grace, and now you want to be shot into space on a ship you didn’t even know about until 5 minutes ago.”
“Well-”
“Not to mention that you are being extremely insistent that you are the so-called “expert” of astrophage despite barely being in contact with the lifeform for more than a few days. I have dozens of scientists at this very moment who know just as much, if not more, about this phenomena than you do. What makes you the best candidate?”
…
And to think she was so desperate to get him on that ship the first time…
“How long did it take them?”
Stratt paused. “Excuse me?”
“How long did it take them to figure out it was a water based cellular lifeform, capable of storing almost unexplainable amounts of energy? How long did your dozen scientists take to deduce how they reproduce and why? Or did they just get a headstart…” He added, raising his voice ever so slightly to call the attention of the man across the room who’d claimed a few moments ago that his scientists had been able to replicate his experiment flawlessly. Screw it, he was petty.
Stratt was silent in the seat beside him. She kept her gaze vacant of any strong emotion, listening to his gambit as he spoke.
“... Dr Grace, it’s not that simple. There is the issue of the comas the astronauts will have to be put under for the duration of the journey. There is a gene-”
“Test me then. If I have the gene, then I’m on the crew.” He stared, drawing every part of that staggering academic ego he’d been holding back for so long. “Stratt, come on. You know I’m right.”
She fell silent again, unable to conjure up a reasonable response. She simply shook her head and sat back in her chair, processing the man’s request.
“We’ll see.” She eventually settled on, turning to look at him again. Ryland hoped that his face was not giving away how fast his heart was beating in that moment. He knew this was the right choice, it was the same feeling he had when he made the decision to go back for Rocky, but no logic would stop that irrational part of the brain that was yelling at him that this was a bad idea. “You are a confusing man, Dr Grace.”
“And you, Miss Stratt, are a smart woman. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
____________
Somewhere else, millions of miles away from each other, two men peeled their eyes open from many restless nights, dreaming of a cold world, filled with ice and war and regret. Their heads throbbed with visions and memories from lifetimes lived apart, all cultivating into one thought.
Where is Ryland?