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There was no equivalent to losing a twin. No equivalent to knowing the one person who had always been there no longer was. To looking in the mirror and knowing that face was no longer shared with anyone.
He'd often heard people speaking of a fear of forgetting the face of a loved one they'd lost. Colt fucking wished he could.
When the Hail Mary had first launched Colt had seen Ryland in every reflective surface he passed. Sure, the years had enhanced the differences between them— Colt growing muscle while Ryland had stayed lanky, the different ways they kept their facial hair, Colt's hair bleached a shade lighter than that of their natural— but when all came down to it, those differences were only superficial. Ryland's face was still always hiding there.
The first time he shaved his face he'd sobbed for God knows how long, Jody eventually finding him curled up on the bathroom floor and holding him until he was able to pull himself together enough to let her finish the job. He'd gone full mountain man for a few months after that. Scared of the day he'd look in the mirror and Colt would be completely replaced by someone he could never say goodbye to.
Jody in all her worrying, had taken the care to 'conveniently' style her leads closer to his everyday look. They both knew the solution was temporary, that her movies would never be all he worked on or that eventually some stuck up actor would complain, but it had bought him time.
Time in which his face had started to become his own again and thoughts of Ryland's drifted to the back of his mind.He was almost free of that crushing grief when he arrived on set for Jody's newest project.
It was set to be an intensive day. Snatched up by a creature and pulled somewhere near a hundred feet into the air, dropped and tossed around, and then finally dropped into the 'ocean'. The kind of stunts that took a ridiculous amount of set up and moving parts. The character he was doubling for was some sort of professor, he knew that much going in. Other than that he didn't know and it didn't matter; he was on set for a single day. He could pick up the story when he saw the final product at the premiere.
His costume was laid out for him when he arrived to his trailer. The normal layers of an undershirt and harness along with slacks, a button-up, tie, and suit jacket. He groaned at the sight. It was going to be a long day, in the hottest, sweatiest costume they could give him for LA heat. Even dating the director wouldn't free him of all his suffering. He took his time getting dressed— at very least Jody wouldn't go in too hard on him for being late— only just beginning to tie the tie when he heard a knock on the door.
"Come in!" He shouts, still fiddling with the tie.
Going to the mirror would make it easier but he was feeling lazy. If anything he would have Jody do it on set because she was better at it then he'd ever been and who gave a shit if the rest of the cast and crew found it odd, they would find out about their relationship at some point in this process anyway.
The door opened. Colt turned. The face that greeted him wasn't one he recognized.
"Colt, right?" she asked.
"Mhm."
"Sorry— I'm with the costume department, we forgot to give you these when we dropped everything off." She held out a small black case.
Colt gave a small smile, reaching out to take it from her. "Thanks," he said shaking it ever so slight.
"No problem."
She turned on her heels, exiting the trailer as quickly as she had entered.
Colt threw the case onto his couch and returned his focus to the tie, finally managing a shitty, uneven knot. He pulled on the suit jacket— he was already sweating, this would be a very long day.
He sighed, flopping onto the could. The case pressed up against his thigh. He grabbed it once more and flipped it open. Inside sat a pair of wire framed glasses. Colt laughed to himself a little as he slipped them on. The point of being a stunt double was to look like someone else but sometimes it was jarring just how far his costumes strayed from his personal style. He rose from the couch and strode over to mirror.
Within seconds all the dread he'd thought he'd left behind came crashing down. Colt Seavers was no where to be found in the mirror. No, it was his brother's face that met his eyes there. The glasses sat lopsided on his face, tilted from the crooked nose that should have snapped Colt from the stupid never ending spiral because clearly it was him. Ryland had never broken his nose. But Ryland did— had always worn his glasses crooked…
It was part hope, part relief. To see him again in the flesh and not just in a picture on the news. Part devastation that he would never escape. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes and see them in his brother's. The brother he could not reach out and comfort. The brother who wasn't here, who wasn't real.
Even the clothing looked like Ryland's. Like he was in for a day of classes. The face in the mirror looked smarter than Colt had ever been, dressed like he knew it.
He ripped the glass from his face, throwing them at the wall with all the strength he could muster. He needed them gone— as far from him as they could be. He couldn't look at that face.
Hot tears trailed down his cheeks and rage boiled in his chest. Who had made this stupid decision? They had to have known. There was no one on the planet who didn't know Ryland Grace and the rest of the Hail Mary's crew and clearly the resemblance between him and his brother was uncanny. They had to have known. They had to have done this to taunt him.
"Colt— what is going on?" He whipped his head around at the sound of Jody's voice. When had she even come in?
Colt opened his mouth to respond and was instead greeted with a broken sob, surprising as it was painful. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes as if he could force the tears back in. This was stupid and embarrassing. Now wasn't the time, they had a fucking movie to make.
Jody was at his side in an instant, a gentle grip on his bicep used to lead him to the couch. He let her guide him, trusted her to show him where to sit while he sobbed into his hands.
Jody didn't speak, just rubbed small circles into his back as he cried. She shouldn't have been here. She should be out there doing her job— not dealing with her unstable boyfriend's latest breakdown. He couldn't control himself enough to tell her that and so she stayed by his side as the minutes ticked past and until his sobs morphed to only shakey breaths.
"What happened?" She asked, voice quiet and cautious.
"I hate this costume," was the closest he could manage without prompting more tears.
Jody gave a small laugh. She assumed he was deflecting. She really didn't know.
Colt tried again. "I look like him in this."
Jody's face dropped in an instant. "God, I'm so stupid."
"No— no you're not."
"I am," she insisted. "You told me he was a teacher! Of course he dressed like one— and oh my god the glass. Colt I swear I didn't think—"
He shook his head, "It's not your fault."
"I'm the one who asked you to do this."
"I don't blame you."
"I'll find a new stuntman, okay? I'm so sorry."
"No, I'll do it. I just— give me a little time."
Jody scoffed. "You're not doing the stunt like this."
"I'm not going to put you out."
"Colt—"
"—Jody."
She stared at him, searching his face, an internal debating swimming behind her own eyes. "We'll break for the day," she said, giving in. "I'll say I had a family emergency. And we'll regroup tomorrow, I'll have Levi get his glasses knocked off or drop them or something before he gets to his mark, then you won't need them and we'll go through the stunt quick as we can. One take each."
"You're gonna need more than—"
Jody shook her head, cutting him off, "One take."
He nodded. She wasn't going to back down from this, and he couldn't say he wasn't grateful underneath all the shame.
"Thanks," he said.