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Grace has been different lately. Not a good different either. It's the kind of different that worries me, the kind that I can't seem to help with no matter what I do.
It began a few weeks ago with small things, nothing that I thought to be too out of the ordinary.
It first began with Grace not wanting to visit, to go and walk the beach, even though the fog, my Grace's favorite, was out in full force. He told me he was tired and just wanted to sleep. I accepted it, leaving him to rest. Humans needed lots of rest and I wouldn't bother him, staying to watch him sleep in silence. Should I have fought against it? Made him leave with me to walk?
Next, his lessons began to get more slow and less energetic, like Grace was just listing off facts instead of enjoying what he was doing. He said that this topic was just a little boring for him when I asked, but I knew he was lying. Grace loved teaching about anything and everything, especially physics, so why would it be boring him now?
I didn't push. I asked and he gave an answer, an untruthful one, but an answer nonetheless. I should have pushed. I should have joined him for more lessons after that. I should have done something other than accept it and let him keep falling further away from me.
More recent was the most concerning to both me and Adrian: Grace had stopped eating for the most part.
Humans needed to eat three times a day, it as necessary for their survival. Grace had gone from eating three meals a day, to two a day, to one a day, to one every other day. He began getting smaller and smaller, just like he did on our trip over - becoming a small, fragile being that I couldn't protect.
Grace told me that he was just not that hungry. That some humans could live off of less food than three meals a day. He even pulled up articles on his Earth thinking machine for me to look at. They proved his point, but I watched Grace grow smaller before - losing weight and his mind over the course of 4 years. I didn't ache to see it happen again.
No matter how much I pushed, Grace didn't change his behaviors, only continuing to push me aside. I was useless to him, unable to help him as I watched his smile fade and he became quieter. This was not my happy, easily excited Grace anymore. This was a Grace that worried me.
"Grace, you need to eat," I pushed, forcing the tray of synthesized food, a me-burger as Grace called it, towards him. "It's been 3 days. At least have something," I begged him, looking at my human curled up on the couch under a blanket.
He hadn't moved in days now, missing his classes and worrying the pebbles and myself. Something had to change before Grace hurt himself permanently.
"I'm not hungry, Rock," he said, his voice monotone instead of its usual happy, bell like sound that I so adored. "I'll grab something later if I want it."
"No," I argued, my voice rising, refusing to watch my friend waste away like this. "You need to eat now, Grace! At the very least, drink something!"
"I already had water today," he told me. "I just want to sleep."
"Eat first, then you can sleep. I'll watch you."
Grace just remained silent, pulling the blanket closer around him as his eyes gazed out the window, missing their usual shine of interest in anything.
"Please," I begged softly. "I'm worried about you."
"I don't need you to worry about me, Rocky," Grace told me, harsh and angry. "I just want to be left alone. Is that so much to ask?"
"It is when you aren't taking care of yourself," I shot back. "You don't eat, you don't go outside, you barely drink anything. You're going to hurt yourself. I won't just watch this happen again."
"Please," Grace began softly, his voice pleading and sad, but no tears fell. It's been weeks since he'd cried over anything. What I wouldn't give for him to be a leaky space blob again. "Just go."
"No, no, no. I won't leave you, Grace, no when you're like-"
"I said go!" He shouted at me, the first emotion I'd seen from him in weeks other than longing. "I-I just need to be by myself right now."
"Okay," I accepted, not wanting to further anger him as I set the tray down in front of his view on the table. "I'll be back in a few hours. Get some rest and something to eat, please," I concluded, backing away slowly toward the door of his house.
"I love you, Grace," I added softly, shutting the door behind me as I stepped away from his house, away from my friend.
I sat there for hours, waiting for him to come and get me or to even just hear him do anything inside of his house. But nothing came. He just sat there, staring out the window, not making a single sound other than the ones that came naturally from him. He didn't even sleep. He just sat.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help him. Nothing on the Earth thinking machine I consulted gave me an answer on how to help Grace, it just gave me a word: depressive episode - a period of a lack of interest in activities and a low mood that lasted over 2 weeks. Grace hit every box.
Nothing gave me tips on how to help other than trying to be there for him. We couldn't synthesize any of the medications, called anti-depressants, that could help and I couldn't fix what was troubling him. I didn't know what was troubling him, so I couldn't attempt to fix it if I wanted to.
I couldn't even be there for him. Every time I tried to get Grace to do something, let me stay with him, I was met with the same answer: no and leave me alone right now.
I was useless. I was an Eridian who couldn't do their job again. I had failed my crew, I couldn't save any of them from their deaths. Now, I couldn't fix Grace. I couldn't help the man who had risked himself to save me, the man I called my best friend. I was an engineer that couldn't fix - what was my purpose even if I couldn't do my job correctly?
"Rocky? What's wrong, my love, question? Why are you crying, question?"
Adrian, my mate and my helping hand while I tried to help Grace - something I was failing to do.
"Crying, question?" I asked myself softly.
They pulled me close into their arms, wrapping them around me and keeping me as close to them as they could with the suits on. I hadn't even noticed I was crying, I hadn't even noticed my own emotions.
"You've been gone for hours," Adrian spoke softly, brushing their leg against my carapace in a soothing manner, helping me to calm down and slow my tears. "I figured I would come check in on you and Grace, see if he was asleep."
"He…He," I tried to stay, my tears and sobs silencing me.
"I want to know how you are right now," Adrian cut me off, making me look at them. "I know you're worried about Grace, so I'm going to worry about you. How are you, question?"
I broke instantly, telling Adrian everything through my gasps. I told them about Grace yelling at me. I told them about him refusing to eat, to drink. I told them about how he had just been sitting. I told them about my guilt, how I had failed him, but they silenced me quickly.
"Rocky, you didn't fail him," they told me sternly. "You tried to help, he didn't accept it. That is very different than not trying at all."
"But I can't fix him," I cried. "Grace is broken and I can't put him back together."
"Grace isn't broken," Adrian said softly, humming a reverent tune of affection as they spoke. "He just needs support and we can only be there when he accepts it. This is all we can do."
"I need to do more!" I argued, pulling myself out of their grasp. "Something is hurting Grace and I can't fix it! I need to fix it! I can't watch him like this! It's not even our Grace anymore!"
"Don't say that!" Adrian snapped back at me. "This Grace may be different than ours, but this is still our Grace. We will love him regardless."
"You think I don't love him like this, question? I love Grace no matter what. It's because I love him that I can't stand to watch him like this. I can't stand to watch someone I care about wither away because they are in pain and won't accept the help," I continued, my focus no longer on Grace inside and what he was doing. "I have to fix this so he can be happy because I love him. I… I just need Grace to be himself, even if this is him. I just need him to be okay. This isn't okay, this is a cry for help that won't accept it," I concluded, gasping for breaths I didn't know I needed.
Adrian remained silent for a moment, just looking at me as they processed my words. The waves of the beach were the only sound as the lights in the biodome dimmed completely, leaving us in the artificial starlight without the warmth of the light.
"Okay then," Adrian spoke up softly. "We go in. We don't let him push us out and we support him, whether he wants it or not. Grace is family and we don't leave our family behind, even when they are having a rough time. Even when they don't want us."
"Okay," I agreed.
Together, we opened the door, shutting it softly behind us as we stepped into the room, Grace still sitting where I left him, awake and looking out that same window.
"I thought I said to leave," Grace muttered out, not even bothering to look at us.
"You did," Adrian responded. "But we're not. We don't know what's bothering you, Grace, but we know that it's hurting you. We aren't going anywhere."
"You may not want it," I continued, pulling myself up on to the couch and pressing myself against his side, listening to all of the wonderful sounds he made - the ones I'd been missing. "But Adrian and I are here for you. We'll be here whenever you decide to accept it."
Grace remained silent, but his gaze finally fell over on us, me against his side and Adrian on the floor in front of him, humming softly a sweet tune reserved for pebbles when they were in pain.
We let the silence sit in the room, letting Grace decide his next move. Whatever he chose, we would stay by him. Nobody deserved to suffer alone, especially not someone who had already suffered so much up to this point.
"Thank you," Grace mumbled out, wrapping an arm around me and patting Adrian with the other. "I… I don't know why I'm like this right now, but I… just don't feel like myself. It's like everything is colorless and nothing has any meaning," he told us softly and we listened to every word. We would listen to anything he had to say and we would accept all of it with open arms and hearts. It was Grace, all of it - how could we not accept it and love it all the same?
"I think I just miss Earth a bit," he told us, looking away guiltily. "I know I shouldn't, I mean, they sent me off without a second thought to die and this biodome is great, I love my life here. At least I should. But… I don't know…" he trailed off, running out of words.
"It's okay, Grace," I comforted him, watching as tears fell from his eyes and he wiped them away. My leaky, wonderful Grace was coming back. "You can't control your emotions and its only natural to miss your home."
"But this is my home!" He argued through his tears. "You all accepted me with open arms and gave me everything I wanted or needed. This is more home to me than Earth ever was, especially with you and Adrian here. I shouldn't be missing Earth, but I do."
"You're just homesick," Adrian added in softly, running a claw through Grace's hair, something he usually liked to relax. "We don't take offense to it and neither should you. You lived there for so long and never got to say goodbye. It's only natural to be upset about it."
"It's okay to be upset," I repeated, making sure Grace heard us. "But, please, take care of yourself too."
"I don't have the energy to," he whispered, embarrassed at himself. "I don't even have the will to get up most mornings."
"But you do anyway," I cut him off. "You don't have the will or the energy, but you do anyway. You get up and you face each day, no matter how hard it is. You're so strong, Grace, carrying all of this alone. But it's too much for any one person. Let us help, please. Tell us everything, cry as much as you need to, sleep as much as you need to. Just let us help you feel like you again."
Grace broke, curling further into himself as he pressed himself against me, letting mine and Adrian's arms pull him closely.
"I'm sorry," he apologized.
"There's nothing to be sorry for," I told him, holding my dear friend close, happy that he had finally let us in. "We love you, Grace. All of you. I know this can't have been easy to carry alone, but you're not alone anymore. You never will be. Thank you for letting us help you."
Slowly, together, we began to heal. Grace began to heal and lean on us. He was no longer facing anything alone. Together, we began the next day with a fresh slate - full of potential to be better than the previous one had been with the promise of no longer being alone.