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Jean sat at the cafeteria table in silence. So much had happened, and he needed time to process. The scouts had just returned from the mission to retrieve Eren, and everyone was exhausted. They got Eren back but lost Reiner, Ymir, and Bertholdt. Commander Erwin lost his arm, and almost half of the scouts were dead.
But the deaths weren’t the main thing weighing on Jean. It was Armin. He was confused as to why he was focusing on Armin and not figuring out what was going on with Eren or the commander.
When Jean had gotten knocked out and a titan was coming over to eat him, Armin protected him with all he had. Armin could have died doing so, but he still protected him.
He could have done it just because they were comrades, but it felt deeper than that.
Jean buried his face in his hands. He was alone at the table, and the lighting was dim. It was late at night, and everyone was likely asleep by now. It was probably around 1 am, and Jean was tired both physically and mentally.
But the thoughts racing in his mind kept him awake.
He had a jittery sensation in his stomach, and it almost made him nauseous. But it wasn’t disgusting. Rather, it felt almost… romantic?
No.
Jean didn’t want to catch romantic feelings. He was preoccupied with more important things. And besides, feelings for Armin?
Armin was a stupid nerd with a stupid haircut and stupidly cute.
Cute?!
What was Jean thinking? He couldn’t like Armin. There were so many reasons why not to. But his heart seemed to disagree.
When Armin held him in his arms, Jean felt so safe and happy. It felt right.
Armin protecting him? Jean couldn’t believe it. He was supposed to be the strongest one, but Armin was getting better. Jean was proud of him. Armin protecting Jean from titans was ironic, but Jean somehow enjoyed it? Not the almost dying part, but the embrace.
No.
He couldn’t allow himself to enjoy being held by another boy.
Was he developing romantic feelings for a boy? Not just a boy… Armin?
Armin was best friends with Eren Yeager, who was probably Jean's least favorite person ever. And Armin's other childhood best friend was Mikasa, the girl Jean wanted to date.
Mikasa made this whole ordeal more confusing. Jean had feelings for Mikasa and wanted to be with her romantically, but he somehow had these same feelings for Armin.
No.
He can’t allow himself to acknowledge these feelings. That makes them real. And if they are real, then Jean would be romantically interested in Armin Arlert?
Jean still would be down to be with Mikasa, but now he feels like he wants to be with Armin that way.
Jean banged his head on the table. The thoughts were overstimulating. At least he was alone with his thoughts and he could try to get them in order.
Maybe he should try to see what he would think if he did try to label these newfound feelings for Armin.
When Armin met Jean’s eyes earlier, it felt like the whole world stopped. His wide, sparkly blue eyes froze time. He made Jean feel like the only man in the world. Jean wanted to pick up Armin in his arms and shield him from the horrors of the world.
Maybe in another life they could be protected safely in wall Sina, together, forever. Or even better, a world where titans didn’t exist. Or best case scenario, a world where Armin and Eren weren’t best friends. That might even make Jean like Armin more.
While Armin was kind of short and scrawny and totally not built to be a soldier, Jean somehow found that appealing? Like he was cute and someone Jean could protect. He was still strong, earlier he protected Jean from a titan on the battlefield, but he was still cute and tiny.
Jean wanted to grasp Armin’s stupid blonde bob and run his hands through his hair while Armin’s gaze locked on his. They could stare into each other’s eyes and mentally escape to one of the worlds Jean fantasized about. If Armin wanted to be with Jean, maybe this was possible. If those gorgeous, magical blue eyes looked at Jean, he could die. Maybe Jean wanted to die from a stare from Armin. Did that make him a suicidal manic? And he was the one who made fun of the others for wanting to kill themselves. He understands now. Dying is worth it if it is for something you love. Or someone.
Oh.
Oh.
That someone Jean was willing to die for was Armin.
He would do anything just for Armin to look at him with a look of love.
But Armin was a boy.
Jean couldn’t believe it.
Did he have romantic feelings for… a boy?
Jean felt some sensation similar to this before Marco died. He had a dilemma if he was romantically interested in him, but shut it down because Marco was a boy. But Jean regretted not confessing. Because Marco was now dead. And Jean would never get a chance to even process his emotions because it was pointless now.
So that is why Jean is trying to decide a label for how he feels about Armin now. Because in this world crawling with man-eating monsters, death is not extremely unlikely.
So what label did Jean think suited his confusing emotions?
Love? No, too soon.
Lust? No, this was emotional.
He didn’t want to sound too desperate or pathetic, but he genuinely thought this emotion deserved to be classified as something strong.
Yearning.
Longing.
Those were the only correct words Jean thought of that could describe how he felt for Armin.
He yearned to be his man. He longed to be able to profess his feelings.
But something was stopping him.
Maybe it was fear of rejection?
Maybe it was his lack of sleep?
Or maybe…
It was that Armin was a boy.
He didn’t always look like one, especially with his haircut and his feminine features and behaviors. But the feminine parts of him weren't the reason Jean felt attracted to him.
Rather, it was his personality. Jean wanted to be around him, even if it meant they stayed platonic. Armin lit up a room whenever he entered. He was so smart and also a good fighter. He had everything. Jean had to be his. Even if it was the last thing he did.
But still there was that feeling of restraint. That voice in his head telling his heart to ignore how he felt. The thing holding him back.
Did it make him a bad soldier to want to be with another man?
Did it make him not enough of a man?
He tried not to care what others thought, but what if he was shunned so hard he had to quit the scouts?
What if he dragged Armin down with him?
What if everyone hated him?
What if nobody saw him the same ever again?
He was still Jean even if he wanted to be with Armin romantically.
He just wanted to hold Armin’s hand in public.
Maybe even kiss him.
How good would that feel? Jean would give anything for that feeling.
That feeling of holding Armin’s masterpiece of a face in his hands and kissing it. Showing how much he loved him.
That feeling of freedom.
Maybe that was why Eren was so obsessed with finding freedom.
What if Jean could be freely in love with Armin. That sounded perfect.
Jean was astounded by how much he discovered about himself in just one night.
Could he build up the courage to actually act on his feelings?
Could Jean ignore the voice in his head telling him to be normal?
Could he listen to his heart and love Armin even though he is a boy?
He wouldn’t know until he tries.
So he sure as hell would try.
But when?
There would never be a perfect time.
Either of them could die at any second.
Jean just needed to shut down all the questions circulating in his head and just shout out how he feels.
Before he loses Armin.
Jean was plotting the moment for when he would confess when he heard a faint click of a lock.
The small noise snapped him out of his insufferable trance and dragged him back to reality. The questions in his mind were silenced and Jean looked around the dining hall for who made the noise.
Slowly, the entrance door opened and a short boy appeared.
Jean would notice that dumb, cute haircut anywhere.
Armin appeared in the room and a dim light illuminated his blue eyes,
“Jean?” Armin questioned as he peered across the room.
“Oh-” Jean gasped, startled, “Sorry for being down here so late. What are you doing here?”
Of all people to show up, of course it was the one who he came down to think about.
“I came down to get water and I thought I heard someone breathing quickly and I came to see if everything was okay.” Amrin replied, a look of concern on his face.
“Sorry,” Jean looked down at his hands in embarrassment, “I just needed some alone time.”
“It’s okay.”
Armin closed the door behind him.
“I understand.” Armin consoled kindly.
Armin began to walk over towards Jean. Jean felt his heartrace instantly increase.
“Especially after that attack earlier.” Armin added as he walked.
“Yeah,” Jean said quietly, “Are you okay? I know it must have been hard.”
“Yeah I’m recovering. It was really scary to be so close to a titan. But that’s just how it is being a member of the scouts.” Armin replied.
Amrin reached the table Jean sat at and took a seat beside him. They were just inches apart and unnecessarily close. Jena was positive that his quick breathing pace could be felt on Armin’s face.
“Tell me if there is anything I can do to help.” Jean told Armin. His tone was romantic and suggestive even though the sentence was meant to be comforting.
“Thank you so much. Same goes for you.”
Armin looked up and made eye contact with Jean.
Armin’s eyes sparkled brighter than any stars in the sky. Jean knew that any word he uttered would come out wrong and he would end up confessing. He had to keep it together.
“Thank you Jean.” Armin suddenly whispered.
“For what?”
Jean was shocked. What could Armin possibly be thanking him for?
“For being you. You are so fun to be around and you lighten the mood on the expeditions. The situation we are trapped in is so dark and you fix that. For me at least.”
Armin’s voice was barely above a whisper and he said it so delicately.
That was exactly what Jean needed to hear.
“Armin.” Jean knew he couldn’t stop himself. That last sentence Armin said was his final straw. He needed to tell Armin how he felt.
“Yes?” Armin responded quietly.
“I like you. Not just as a friend or comrade. I like you romantically. I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. If it does then we can just pretend this never happened. But I needed to tell you how I feel. I love your personality. I love your eyes. I love the way you put me at ease in a high-pressure situation. I love how smart you are. I love the way you make me feel. So if you feel the same, I would love it if we could do something about it before something bad happens.”
That was it.
Jean blatantly stated every feeling he just processed and told all of it to Armin before he could second guess himself.
No regrets.
Jean needed to let Armin know how much he cared about him and how much he wanted him.
10 seconds went by before Armin even reacted.
His face froze and eventually faded to confusion, to shock, to fear, to happiness.
“Thank you for saying that.” Armin responded after 20 seconds of torture.
Jean had no words. What kind of response was that?
“I feel the same. I think you are so cool and I admire you so much. I tried shutting down my feelings for you, but they ended up taking over. It has been eating me alive and I am so glad I know you feel the same. You are all I can think about. The real reason I came down was because I didn't know where you were and I was worried. I like you more than a friend or comrade. When I saved you earlier, I didn’t just save you because you are a fellow scout, I saved you because without you I would be nothing. I have other friends to worry about, but nobody makes me feel the way you make me feel. I also hope we can act on this so neither of us have to spend the rest of our lives wishing we confessed. So thank you for making the move and telling me how you feel.”
Now Jean was the speechless one. He had no words. That was better than anything he could have imagined. Armin truly was perfect.
Before he had time to allow himself to process, Jean closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against Armin’s.
Jean had never kissed anyone before, but he felt like this was an ideal opportunity.
Jean ran his right hand through Armin's hair and brought his left hand up to cup Armind’s face.
They held that position for a few seconds until Armin reacted. Armin readjusted himself and moved closer. Their bodies were now pressed together and Armin moved both of his hands to Jean's neck and pulled his face even closer to his.
Their lips were practically attached but both of them remained frozen, unsure of what to do next.
Jean decided to move his hands lower. He untangled his right hand from Armin’s hair and moved it to rest on Armin’s hip. He relocated his left hand and placed it on Armin’s waistline.
As their bodies began to move slightly, Jean tugged on the rim of Armin’s shirt. Armin didn’t struggle and allowed Jean to move it slightly upward, revealing his lower abs.
Jean felt the corner of Armin’s lips move upwards into a small smirk. He chuckled in a low voice and debated whether or not to tease him about that. He decided to save that for later.
Armin seemed to be enjoying this too. He tugged on Jean's hair a little and sucked aggressively on his lower lip.
Jean responded by pushing his tongue out and touching Armin’s lips with it. Amrin opened his mouth slightly to allow Jean’s tongue to enter.
The sensation was indescribable. Jean’s tongue explored every crevice of Armin’s hot mouth. Jean would typically find something like this gross, but this felt good. Jean enjoyed it and wanted more.
A small gasp left Armin’s mouth and that was it for Jean. A switch turned on inside of him and Jean suddenly was going all in on this kiss. He slipped his left hand inside of Amrin’s shirt and ran his hand all over Armin’s bare chest. He slowly began to move some fingers below the waistband of Armin’s pants. He didn’t know if this might be crossing a line, but Armin seemed to like that because he bucked his hips upward in response.
The small and quiet gasps continued leaving Armin’s mouths and they were tearing Jean to shreds.
Jean was in disbelief that earlier this night he was trying to sort his feelings for Armin. Now look where that leads him. He had never been more thankful to himself for making a decision.
A low groan exited Jean’s mouth accidentally and Armin slipped his tongue inside of Jean’s mouth. Their tongues entangled and their breath began to mix.
Jean continued moving his hands all over Armin’s bare skin under his shirt and Armin tugged on Jean's hair and moved his free hand over the skin on his neck.
The voice in Jean’s head still lingered a little telling him reminders that the person he was kissing was a boy, but right now, Jean could care less.
Every breath Armin took silenced that voice.
Jean didn’t care anymore if others judged him for being in love with another boy because that was who he was. He wanted to be with Armin and he didn’t care who knew.
Armin and Jean kissed passionately and whispered random things occasionally until they lost track of time. Jean began to drift off to sleep while still kissing Amrin. Armin was in disbelief and briefly got offended but overall thought he was cute so he forgave him. Armin decided to end their kissing session and take Jean to bed so he could finally sleep.
“By the way,” Jean told Armin as they walked to bed, “I came down here to think about you.”
“Think about what specifically?” Armin inquired.
“If I was in love with you of course.” Jean said sleepily.
“What was the final verdict?” Armin asked.
“Yes. I am in love with you.”