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All we do is hide away
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All we do is lie and wait
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I’ve been upside down
I don’t wanna be the right way round
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All we do is play it safe
All we do is live inside a cage
All we do — Oh Wonder
It felt strange for Lukas when he got to school after the weekend, that he wouldn’t act the same with Rose as he had done for so long. They still talked, hung out, sat next to each other in class, but not in the same way as before. Lukas noticed it, and so did his friends.
“Did you and Rose break up, or what?” David joked at lunch, after Lukas had joined them without Rose.
“Yeah,” Lukas answered absent minded while searching the cafeteria for a familiar head. He wanted to see if he could find Philip, despite not knowing what he would do if he did. He had he himself told Philip that they wouldn’t talk to each other in school, that no one could find out, so it would be hypocritical of him to want to talk to Philip. Right?
“Why?!” Jakob questioned. “You just had sex. Dude, are you even listening?”
“Uh, yeah,” Lukas responded, but only listening with half an ear. Where was Philip?
“Do you have someone else?”
“You do! That’s who you’re looking for!”
“I’m not looking for someone,” Lukas said, forcing his attention back to the group at the table, just as he had found Philip. Dammit, he wanted to see how Philip was acting after the mess from the weekend. “And I don’t have someone else.”
“Are you sure? You sound so defensive.”
Lukas was about to protest again when Rose and a few of her girl friends joined them at the table. The guys turned to her before turning back to Lukas. It was like they were waiting for some reaction, a shit storm to unleash. When nothing happened — nothing more than Rose saying hi — they settled back with disappointment written all over their faces. Lukas was, to say the least, feeling relieved that Rose wasn’t making the break up a bigger deal than it had to be.
~~~~~
Lukas had just gotten home and parked the bike, ready to tinker with it when his phone rung.
“I don’t know if you know,” Philip said when Lukas answered the call, “but Helen and Gabe has invited you and your dad over for dinner tomorrow. I swear I had nothing to do with it. I tried to tell them they didn’t have to. Helen said she wanted to talk to you and Bo after I had come out, but I told her to let it go. I swear.”
“It’s— what?”
“Helen, she wanted to talk to you and Bo after I had come out, because I told her that you hitting me had to do with me being gay. Or, she asked, and I didn’t deny it. Because it’s true.”
“I didn’t hit you because I’m homophobic!” Lukas protested.
“The way she sees it, you did,” Philip said. “And you hitting me had to do with my sexuality, I didn’t lie.”
“So why didn’t you just tell her that’s not what happend?”
“What should I have said?” Philip asked, sounding irritated. “Yeah, he hit me because after he kissed me he said he didn't want me to talk to him in school, but I did, so he had to hit me? You were the one who made me swear to not tell anyone!”
“You could have said something!” Lukas protested. “Now she thinks I’m homophobic!”
“I don’t owe anything to you, Lukas.” Philip’s voice was hard and strained, and before Lukas could answer he hung up.
~~~~~
Lukas rode with his dad over to Philip the next day. He was beginning to feel stressed already now. Based on what Philip had said about what Helen knew, she was bound to take up the hitting and homophobia, and Lukas just wasn’t sure he wanted to have to deal with his dad’s reaction to it all. He wasn’t sure he could deal with a negative reaction, whatever it might be. It would break him, having the clear knowledge that his father didn’t like what he was. He couldn’t deal with his dad hating who he was and who he loved.
Philip was setting a table out on the yard when they parked in the driveway. Helen and Gabe was carrying out food, that despite Lukas nervousness, made it water in his mouth — which must mean that based on what he’d heard from Philip, Helen hadn’t been the one cooking.
Gabe came and greeted them when they stepped out, but Lukas only paid half attention to that, instead trying to catch Philip’s eyes. He wanted to know if he was mad at Lukas, if he had said something more or something else to Helen. But Philip wouldn’t look up from the table as he adjusted the cutlery.
The meal was, to the start, akward. Philip wouldn’t look at anyone, despite Lukas trying to catch his eyes. Lukas’ dad obviously didn’t know why they were there, and Helen only kept looking at Lukas and Philip, as if trying to gauge how the situation between them was.
“Okay,” Helen said after a too long silence had stretched out, “there is actually something I wanted to talk to you about, Bo.”
Philip’s head snapped up, as he if he realised what it was, and Lukas could guess. Here it was coming, the moment that was determining how Lukas’ relation to his dad would play out for the rest of his life. He could feel himself tense up, waiting for the hurt and rejection from how Bo would react.
“I don’t know if you’re aware of the reason Philip and Lukas got in a fight, but—”
“Please, Helen,” Philip interrupted her. “You don’t have to do this, it will only make it worse.”
“Philip,” Helen said, turning to look at her foster son, “I need to do something about it. It just can’t happen like this, it’s not right.” She turned back to Lukas’ dad, killing any of Philip’s following protest. Philip’s head sagged forward and he stared down at his plate, once again refusing to meet Lukas’ gaze.
“It has come to my attention that the nature of their fight had to do with Philip’s sexuality.”
The sound when Bo put his fork down sounded so loud in the silence that Lukas had to forcibly keep himself from winching. He didn’t want to find out what his dad would say about it.
“Is that so,” Bo said calmly, with one eyebrow raised, Lukas noticed when he looked at him out of the corner of his eyes. The suspense of not knowing exactly how his dad was reacting was killing Lukas.
“I am, as you must understand, quite concerned about that,” Helen continued. “I don’t particularly want Philip to have to deal with homophobia. I want to address this, and see if there was something we could do about this situation.”
“Son, this is not acceptable.” Bo sounded the same as he had when he found out about the drinking and window smashing, that same tone that made Lukas want to shrink through the ground, or be swept away by a strong gust of wind,, anything to not have to face his father. It was the kind of quiet rage that Lukas had always hated, hated because he feared it.
“You can’t attack people because of their sexuality,” Bo continued. As much as his voice was still filled by rage, it was also honest, telling Lukas that his dad really thought homophobia was wrong. His dad didn’t hate him, didn’t look down on other sexualities. He wasn’t homophobic, didn’t give the reaction that Lukas had feared.
“Hey, what are you…” Bo then said, his anger replaced by confusion when, instead of an answer, Lukas let out a sob.
Lukas desperately tried to hold in his sobs, stop the tears rolling down his cheeks, but he couldn’t. His father wouldn’t hate him, wouldn’t be disgusted with him. Through his blurry vision he could see Bo, Helen, and Gabe exchanged confused glances, but only in the corner of his eyes. Philip was looking at him now, finally. Lukas could just barely see he had his mouth slightly open, as if wanting to ask something but not really daring to.
Lukas reached up to dry his tears, trying once again to get them to stop. He felt almost humiliated that they had all seen him cry like that, and they didn’t even know why.
“Why are you crying?” his dad asked, sounding doubtful.
“I thought— I thought you would hate me, or something,” Lukas said, barely making sense between the aftershocks of his sobs.
“What does—” Bo tried but then started over. “Why would I hate you? And what does it have to do with anything?”
“Because…” God, it was so hard. So hard to get those words out, get it out in the open. “Because I like boys. Because I like Philip.” There it was, out in the open. It didn’t feel as bad as Lukas had always thought it would, not as much the end of the world as he had imagined.
When he looked up, Philip was watching, the beginning of a smile playing on his lips.
“You… I’m not sure I’m following,” Bo said, and then turned to Helen. “I thought you said the fight was homophobic?”
“That was the impression I got,” Helen said slowly.
“I didn’t want anyone to know,” Lukas murmured. “I didn’t want him to talk to me in school, and people were beginning to notice, and I panicked. I didn’t mean to…”
“Why didn’t you just tell me that?” Helen asked, turned to Philip.
“I promised Lukas I wouldn’t tell,” Philip replied, a note of bitterness in his tone that Lukas hated that he was the source to.
“But why didn’t you just tell us?” Helen insisted.
“I didn’t want to be that guy,” Lukas said, “and I hated that I was, and I thought it would go away if I just ignored it. It didn’t. I think maybe I’m becoming okay with it now, though.”
He was only looking at Philip even though it technically was the others he was talking to. He wanted Philip to know he was honest, that he meant it. Maybe Philip understood it, because he gave Lukas a small smile.
~~~~~
Lukas didn’t have to debate with himself for long before he sent a text to Philip the next morning, asking if he wanted a ride to school. Then he anxiously waited for a reply, sitting ready on the bike to just drive as soon as it came. He wanted Philip to answer, to want him to come.
From: Philip Sure?
Lukas grinned to himself and started the engine, speeding away from his house. He couldn’t wait to pick up Philip, to see him again. Philip was waiting in the driveway outside his house, a cute confused look on his face, like he couldn't understand why Lukas suddenly wanted to be seen with him, and at school of all places. But he took the helmet when Lukas offered it to him and got on the bike, no questions asked and no hesitation what so ever.
Lukas waited for Philip to get of the bike before he followed after he had parked outside school. He removed his helmet and shook out his hair, smiling at Philip. He was just so beautiful with his hair all ruffled by the helmet. He couldn’t really stop himself, didn’t want to either, when he leaned forward to take Philip's lips in a kiss.
Lukas was tired of hiding who he was and who he loved.