Twelve Days of Christmas (Ho-Ho-Homeland Remix)

A tongue-in-cheek reimagining of the popular cumulative song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas".
Advent Calendar fic for 15 December 2016, as per the LJ prompt by the forever fantastic FrangipaniFlower ♥

Notes:

It's probably not surprising given our shared love of many songs and artists that Bwg and I independently decided to parody the same song for Advent. We discovered this weeks ago while chatting and were both happy to proceed anyway.
Bwg, thanks for our chats and laughs - this one's for you ♥

*ahem* OK Ladies, all together now...

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A bullet in the upper left arm

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Three strong hugs*
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Six steaming coffees
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Seven loaded silences
Six steaming coffees
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eight longing glances
Seven loaded silences
Six steaming coffees
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nine score words of love
Eight longing glances
Seven loaded silences
Six steaming coffees
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Ten shy, dimpled smiles
Nine score words of love
Eight longing glances
Seven loaded silences
Six steaming coffees
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eleven tender touches
Ten shy, dimpled smiles
Nine score words of love
Eight longing glances
Seven loaded silences
Six steaming coffees
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left arm

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve seconds' soulful kissing
Eleven tender touches
Ten shy, dimpled smiles
Nine score words of love
Eight longing glances
Seven loaded silences
Six steaming coffees
Five heartfelt "Fuck me's!"
Four smears of his blood
Three strong hugs
Two homicide confessions
And a bullet in the upper left aaaarm!

Notes:

* Oh alright, one of the hugs was technically a choke-hold! Motherfucker!
;-)

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Kudos

Cheesecake_97, FrangipaniFlower, InappropriateShoes, Tenery, neverending_story, Zeffy, SNQA, fairy_obvious, Laure001, and finlyfoe as well as 13 guests left kudos on this work!

Comments

finlyfoe Thu 15 Dec 2016 06:37AM UTC

The ultimate traditional romantic HL tongue-twister - now how about you sing & upload it for us ;-))))

Last Edited Thu 15 Dec 2016 06:37AM UTC

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1. HomemadeLemonade Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:37PM UTC
  
  And the fandom would be filled with the sound of eardrums bursting and phones, tablets and laptops being smashed all around the world! ;-)
  My singing is so poor that the exacting music teacher at primary school who wanted to fill out the choir stands for the end of year concert stuck her ear in front of every singer and told me to stay where I was, but only mime!
  ♥
  
  Last Edited Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:38PM UTC
  
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Laure001 Thu 15 Dec 2016 10:46AM UTC

Gah! I am absolutely melting.
That and coffee makes for a wonderful morning. (Hey! It rhymes!)

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1. HomemadeLemonade Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:38PM UTC
  
  Awww thanks ♥
  
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fairy_obvious Thu 15 Dec 2016 02:31PM UTC

this is perfect)))

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1. HomemadeLemonade Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:39PM UTC
  
  A silly bit of festive fun ♥
  
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SNQA Thu 15 Dec 2016 06:35PM UTC

Adorable!!

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1. HomemadeLemonade Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:40PM UTC
  
  Ha! Thank you ♥
  
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Zeffy Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:05PM UTC

Awwwww! It's unbelievably cute;)
Lol you've counted a choke-hold as a hug! I'm dying:):):)

Last Edited Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:07PM UTC

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1. HomemadeLemonade Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:45PM UTC
  
  ;-) Hey, I needed three of something!
  Speaking of counting, I also counted the words of the letter! ;-) 175 plus her name on the envelope = 177 then rounded up to 180 = 9 score!
  Thanks for your compliment on this Christmas silliness ♥
  
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Frustsheep Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:18PM UTC

So cute! :D

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1. HomemadeLemonade Thu 15 Dec 2016 07:45PM UTC
  
  Thanks so much ♥
  
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FrangipaniFlower Thu 15 Dec 2016 10:21PM UTC

I am late. But read it in the morning. I knew Aussies love that song and I have so many fond memories of it from international playgroup Christmas parties in Asia.
But the HL versions are even more fun!
The chokehold cracked me up, I sat in my train and laughed.

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1. HomemadeLemonade Sat 17 Dec 2016 08:19PM UTC
  
  Wish I was sitting opposite on the train watching you laugh ♥
  
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neverending_story Fri 16 Dec 2016 03:35PM UTC

Great!!! couldn't help but sing along, not out loud though ;) What a wonderful list too - soulful kissing, shy, dimpled smiles and a bullet in the upper left arm - that's one true love ;)

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1. HomemadeLemonade Sat 17 Dec 2016 08:20PM UTC
  
  Yes, their love IS true, despite their non traditional ways of showing it ;-) ♥
  
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Tenery Tue 20 Dec 2016 09:39AM UTC

Did Carrie climax?

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1. HomemadeLemonade Tue 20 Dec 2016 10:11AM UTC
  
  You betcha - after each of the "Fuck me's!"
  As a radical feminist she will not settle for anything less.
  
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InappropriateShoes Wed 21 Dec 2016 02:13PM UTC

Lying in bed this morning getting caught up on my reading and my giggling and outright laughing just woke up 4 hungry cats, 1 grumpy husband and 1 sleeping kid! So fun!

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1. HomemadeLemonade Mon 26 Dec 2016 10:09AM UTC
  
  Ha! Pleased you enjoyed it that much despite the serious domestic ramifications ;-) Hope you all had a great Christmas ♥
  
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Bwg71 (Guest) Mon 26 Dec 2016 09:21AM UTC

Lovely lovely lovely! It was so great to finally read your version, a proper quarrie version. KI'm so glad they're so different: I knew they would be, so I had no qualms doing the same carol :) (better not do a version of how to make gravy next year ;) ) I wanted to wait til I was finished posting before I read yours.
I especially loved no's 7-11, they have real feeling and emotion. And the remembrances of Things past like the bullet and the confessions - oh the good old days :) :)
Great great song HML :)

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1. Bwg71 (Guest) Mon 26 Dec 2016 09:23AM UTC
  
  And I'm glad you included the choker hold as one of the hugs. Soooo them :)
  
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2. 1. HomemadeLemonade Mon 26 Dec 2016 10:14AM UTC
    
    ;-)
    Not to mention it provided the perfect opportunity to include my fave swear word!
    
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3. HomemadeLemonade Mon 26 Dec 2016 10:12AM UTC
  
  Thanks bwg ♥ I had a lot of fun writing it and was curious how different they'd be. I loved that you had AFG as the gift giver - an unexpected twist! ;-)
  
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