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"And I really just...I- I wanna kiss you."
Alex has never been good at being in the moment. Always overthinking, always over analyzing. Part of that is due to her job, and part is because that's the way she's been for as long as she can remember. So when Maggie cups Alex's cheeks and brings their lips together, Alex's brain nearly short circuits.
First, there's shock, because Maggie doesn't want her. Shouldn't be kissing her. But the feeling of Maggie's lips on her own soon overrides any surprise she feels, her chest blooming with something indescribable, some feeling she has no frame of reference for, but something she thinks falls somewhere in the realm of euphoria as Maggie kisses her again and Alex feels herself kiss back.
But she knows this isn't real. Maggie doesn't want her, has told her as much. Alex knows she should pull away, but her body only partially listens to her. She wants this so much and Maggie, well...doesn't. So when Maggie kisses her a third time, Alex makes herself stop. Because if she gives in to this, she'll never be able to come back from it. And she can't be alone in it. Can't embarrass herself again.
The first thing Alex sees when she opens her eyes is Maggie's nervous smile and, fuck, she is so beautiful. All Alex wants to do is sip from that smiling mouth, but luckily she's had lots of practice denying herself what she wants.
"Maggie-" Alex starts, but trails off. Has no idea how to say what needs to be said when she watches Maggie's brow furrow into confusion.
"Is everything okay?" Maggie asks, hands falling to hang at her sides.
"I- you don't want me," Alex says, arms wrapping tightly around her ribcage, an anxious habit she hardly ever allows herself, but can't stop from happening now.
"Alex, I never-" Maggie starts, but Alex can't hear any more of this. She thought that she had gotten over her anger from their conversation the other day, but she feels it creeping back in at Maggie's denial.
"Yes, you did. You told me you don't want me. And that's fine. We can be...friends."
She has to break eye contact as she chokes on the last word, the comforting heat of anger in her belly short-lived and dwindling to a flicker of devastation. Being just friends with Maggie is not her first choice, but it's certainly preferable to this friends-who-kiss-sometimes arrangement Maggie seems to want.
"But Maggie, I can't be a friend that you kiss every time you almost die. I can't- I don't work like that."
When she finishes saying her piece, Alex meets Maggie's eyes again, silently letting her know she won't budge on this.
When Maggie's hands rise cup her elbows, Alex has to bite at her lip to keep from saying something stupid.
"Alex, I never said I didn't want you."
Where is the anger she found just moments ago? Anger is easy. Alex knows how to do angry. But instead her forehead feels tight and her eyes feel heavy and she's about five seconds away from embarrassing herself even further by doing something stupid like crying in front of the woman she wants but who doesn't want her.
Self-preservation instincts kicking into full gear, Alex pulls out of Maggie's grasp, taking a step back and raising her hands, palms out in a weak attempt at a barrier between them when the other woman reaches back out for her.
"Maggie, please." Alex is practically begging now, hears how pathetic she sounds, but she needs this to stop. Needs Maggie to leave. Needs to collect her messy hopes and organize them back into a functional version of herself so she doesn't fall to ruin.
Lucky for her, Maggie backs off. This time when she speaks, it's quiet and slow and deliberate, and she leaves enough space between them that Alex feels like she can breathe again.
"Wanting you was never the issue. I want you. But I was scared. I don't- I don't really know how to do this. I already told you I don't meet many people I care about. And when I said I care about you-"
A pregnant pause fills the air between them as Maggie looks away and the only thing filling the silence is the intermittent crackle of the flames in the fireplace. When Maggie looks back at her, Alex's breath hitches at the look in her eyes.
"More than anyone. I care about you more than anyone. I want to be with you, Alex. I didn't kiss you just because I almost died. And I'm sorry I made you believe that."
Maggie cautiously steps forward, like the way someone would approach a skittish animal, but Alex couldn't move if she tried. So when Maggie slowly reaches forward, takes Alex's hands in her own, Alex lets her.
"If we didn't work and I lost you...I was so stupid. I wasn't willing to risk it."
Alex knows all of this. Maggie's already said as much, but the way the other woman is looking at her-
Something's different.
"So what changed?" Alex whispers.
Maggie laughs, small and throaty and a little bit self-deprecating.
"Not much. I still want to be with you. I'm still scared."
Slowly, Maggie reaches up and tucks Alex's hair behind her ear, palm curling around the soft cartilage before coming to rest at her jaw. Her thumb soothes over Alex's cheekbone as she continues, voice as soft as her touch.
"I just think it's worth the risk now."
For all the time Alex spends thinking about Maggie and for all the times she's dreamed up this scenario, nothing could have come close to preparing her for how this feels.
She realizes the moment that Maggie mistakes her stunned silence for something else because the detective's face falls a bit, lightness traded for desperation in her eyes as her hands move to grasp Alex's upper arms, fingers digging.
"I don't want to wait, Alex. I don't want to watch you be with someone else just because I was too scared. God, I was so stupid for even suggesting-"
The rest of Maggie's speech disappears into the silence of the room once more at the firm press of Alex's mouth. This kiss is lacks the lightness from before. It's sure and desperate and firm, soft lips and grabbing hands, and when Alex slides her tongue along the pout of Maggie's bottom lip, she thinks the detective's moan is her new favorite sound. Fingers dig into the soft, vulnerable skin of Alex's waist and she steps forward, removing every inch of space between them. She threads her fingers into Maggie's hair - so soft, all of her is soft - and tugs ever so slightly.
They break apart, but this time, instead of pulling away, Alex stays close, feels the wash of Maggie's gasping breath against her lips. Alex can't release Maggie's face from the cradle of her hands. Doesn't want to stop touching her.
"Damn. Been holding out on me, Danvers?"
Maggie's voice is low and slightly rough and Alex can't believe she did that. Relief she didn't know she was missing washes over her and Alex huffs out a laugh, smiling as she strokes Maggie's face and watches her eyes go soft. They're still going to be them. But with more kissing. The thought makes giddiness erupt low in Alex's stomach.
This is going to work. This is going to be good.
Still reeling, Alex let's her forehead drop to meet Maggie's. Every time Alex feels a new part of Maggie - this time, it's the tips of their noses touching - it becomes her favorite part. It's only been a few minutes, but she wonders if that will ever go away. She hopes it doesn't.
Alex relishes the feeling of her lips brushing against Maggie's when she replies.
"You ain't seen nothing yet."