Chapter Text
“She all right?” Sarah probes, nodding her head towards the bed, where Cosima is sprawled flat on her stomach, her left arm and leg hanging over the edge.
A fond smile immediately lights up Delphine’s face, and she nods, taking in the sight, amused by the light snoring she can hear from this vantage point.
“She will be. Her immune system is weaker, she’s more susceptible to illness right now.”
Right now, she feels the need to emphasize, because this is merely temporary. This entire, hellish ordeal is temporary, and Cosima will be strong and healthy again, no matter what it takes.
“Means she catches every damn bug floating around in the air,” Sarah gauges, taking a seat at the counter.
“I swear, if she gets me sick...” Felix is leaning in the doorway, still not fully committed to coming inside just yet, as though the air in their tiny apartment is saturated with every germ known to man.
Delphine lets out a heavy breath. “She is not contagious, and her fever broke the night before last. She’s fine. It was only a minor cold.”
Stirring the eggs, Delphine checks on the potatoes, deciding they only need a few more minutes before they’re done.
“Will you wake her? It’s nearly ready,” Delphine murmurs, pouring juice for all of them. The last month has been marginally easier around Sarah, and it’s felt as though there’s a tenuous alliance between them now, as though Sarah has finally begun to believe Delphine cares about Cosima. It’s far too soon, Delphine thinks, to presume that Sarah has begun to actually trust her, though; it’s enough for now, and Delphine would certainly never begrudge the cynicism from both Sarah and Felix.
Setting the orange juice down in front of Sarah, Delphine notices she doesn’t seem interested in moving to wake up Cosima, but rather, stays right there, folding her arms across her chest, turning back and forth just slightly in the bar stool as she shoots a pointed look at Felix. Her brother shoots a look right back at her, eyes widening as he tilts his head in Cosima’s direction. Not bothering to get in the middle of what is obviously a silent conversation, Delphine simply focuses on the task at hand, of finishing breakfast. Only a minute later, there’s the sound of Felix sighing heavily as his arms fall dramatically to his sides, smacking his thighs.
“I get soup and fresh bread every day if this gets me sick.”
Sarah rolls her eyes. “Look, we’re all infected just being here. It’s not like she has the plague, Fe. Get over it.”
“Then you go wake her.”
“I’m catching up with Delphine.”
“Oh. Right. Catching up,” Felix rolls his eyes, moving away from the wall, and sighing heavily again. “I forgot you two are besties now.”
He makes his way over to the bed in the far corner of the studio apartment, then kicks the mattress.
“Oi! Out of bed, or I’m eating your potatoes,” Felix announces loudly, not choosing to be delicate about this in any way.
Cosima doesn’t budge quickly enough for him, so Felix leans in, right next to her ear, and with an even louder voice, says, “Out of bed, or --”
Before he can finish, a pillow lands squarely in his face with a soft thud, and then Cosima’s using that same pillow to cover her ears. Pleased that she’s awake now, Felix persists in his task to get her out of bed, and forcibly positions himself on the edge, shoving Cosima as he does so. Then, he reaches down to start prying the pillow from her hands, but she clings to it tighter.
“You’re worse than Sarah,” he remarks calmly.
“Hey,” Cosima pouts, rolling onto her back and hitting him with the pillow again. “I’m totally not. Does she go to the burlesque shows with you?”
“No. You’re absolutely right. Best sister,” he says decisively, then points at Sarah, saying, “Dull sister.”
Sarah rolls her eyes, taking a sip of her orange juice. “Whatever.”
Just as Delphine is turning the burners off, Cosima shuffles over to her, wrapping an arm around her waist, and resting a hand lightly on her hip. Instantly, Delphine turns her head to smile at her, kissing her lips softly.
“Good morning, ma cherie.”
With their foreheads pressed together, Cosima leans in, asking, “Not afraid of my germs?”
“I am always willing to pay such a price,” Delphine asserts, with so much warmth and sweetness in her words she wonders if Cosima will tease her for it. Instead, she’s rewarded with another kiss before Cosima pulls away.
“My hero,” Cosima shoots her a cheeky grin. “This smells fantastic, by the way.”
“Let’s hope it tastes that way,” Delphine remarks, as she divides the food up onto four plates.
They may be eating breakfast together, the four of them, but there’s nothing formal about this morning rendezvous, and Felix eats his meal propped on the edge of the couch while Sarah stays right where she is on the bar stool. Cosima ends up next to her, and Delphine stands, leaning against the countertop.
“Any news from that guy who knew Mrs. S back in England?” Cosima asks, breaking the silence.
“No.” Sarah’s shoulders slump, obviously feeling defeated by their protracted dearth of any useful information.
The four of them keep in touch, of course, but this breakfast, this level of interaction is rare these days, and Delphine knows that Cosima understands, yet she suspects there’s a part of her that wishes she could be let in more. She wants so desperately to help, and it’s one of the many things Delphine loves about Cosima, but from what she knows of Sarah, the other woman doesn’t easily accept it.
“I still think she’s trying to keep her safe,” Cosima offers earnestly, but quietly, as though assuming already her supposition will be refuted.
“Yeah, well, she’s not with me, is she?” Sarah fires back. “I could keep her safe just as well.”
Finding it futile to disagree, Cosima sighs heavily, finishing off her eggs. Delphine keeps quiet, sipping at her juice, stroking the pad of her thumb over Cosima’s arms lightly, which instantly relaxes the other woman.
“What about you two?” Felix asks, after a few minutes of silence drag by. “You sticking around here a bit?”
Cosima has expressed some concern recently that it might not be best for them to stay in one place for too long, until they have a better sense of how Leekie might retaliate against them, and especially Delphine. Her belief months ago that Leekie would ultimately want to protect them waned quickly after they’d discovered the truth of their existence, after Delphine deflected.
“For a little while. There’s this sushi place downtown, and I’m totally not ready to give it up,” she shoots them all a cheeky grin, tucking it behind her glass of juice which gets raised to her lips a second later. It’s important to Cosima to embrace laughter, Delphine knows, and she indulges her without a second thought.
“It’s true. It’s the best sushi in the world,” she agrees decidedly. “It would be difficult to let go of such a thing.”
Cosima’s eyes land back on Delphine, and she reaches out to lace their fingers together, smiling softly.
“Yeah. I mean, you never know when you might have something that good again. It’s like...betraying the universe.”
Sarah just watches them for a moment, an indecipherable expression on her face, but then she clears her throat.
“You two are mad for each other.”
“Like, in a good way, or...?” Cosima probes.
“No, in a ‘I’ve completely lost my appetite’ way,” Sarah decides, finishing off her juice.
The comment elicits a scoff from Felix, who promptly tosses the pillow right at Sarah’s back. She shoots him a blank look over her shoulder, but then a smirk breaks out on her face. This is something Cosima never had, Delphine knows, this affectionate teasing, and for Sarah to tease Cosima now is something she knows she’s wanted.
“You be good to her, yeah? You’re all right these days, but I’d still kick your willowy arse, no hesitation,” Sarah says, looking right at Delphine.
Delphine squeezes Cosima’s hand, kissing her fingers. “I would do anything for her. I could do nothing less.”
*
Felix and Sarah spend most of the morning and afternoon with them, leaving just a few hours before dinner. Cosima talks Delphine into going out to a fancy restaurant for dinner, insisting they get dressed up.
“I say we be complete, unapologetic hedonists tonight. Only the best of everything,” Cosima decides, slipping into a black dress.
“Are you going to get me in trouble tonight, ma chérie?” Delphine laughs fondly, ducking her head to lightly kiss the curve of Cosima’s neck.
“Me? Would I ever?” Cosima asks innocently, tugging Delphine flush against her body for a moment.
Delphine studies her, cupping a hand delicately to her cheek before leaning in to softly kiss behind her ear, whispering, “You do not seem to care that you hold my heart captive. I would say you’re the best kind of trouble. You must know by now what you do to me.”
Cosima’s breath hitches in her throat for a moment, her eyes closing as she leans in to rest against Delphine’s cheek. A moment later, they’re cradling each other’s faces as they kiss fiercely, both of them breaking away only when they’re flushed and breathless.
“Cosima, do you feel well enough to go out tonight? You’ve just been sick...”
Delphine tries so hard not to be over-protective, but with her immune system already weakened from the disease afflicting her lungs, she wonders if it’s prudent for them to go out now.
“I’m fine, Delphine. Look. Okay. We’ll go out to dinner, bring a bottle of wine back here, and stay in the rest of the night. Deal?”
Letting out a relieved breath, Delphine nods. “Yes, I can agree to this.”
Cosima relaxes as well, smiling at her as she presses close again. “And I’m really looking forward to the part where you tell me more about what I do to you.”
Delphine’s mouth drops a little, in mock surprise, but she wraps both arms around Cosima now, letting her feel her heat.
“You don’t have to wait long to find out, my love.”
“Let’s skip the appetizers and dessert,” Cosima decides, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the base of Delphine’s throat.
Humming contentedly, Delphine’s eyes open and close for just a moment before she declares, “We should leave now, or I’ll be unwilling to leave at all.”
Cosima kisses her soundly on the lips one more time, then leads her outside. They go to the Italian restaurant downtown they’ve admired from afar for a while. Inside, it’s busy, but they can hear the opera singers over the conversations around them, and it’s the perfect dinner. They decide to split tiramisu, but take it home with them, along with a bottle of cabernet sauvignon.
Barely making it in the door, Cosima manages to set the to-go box and wine down before Delphine swiftly gathers her up in her arms, shutting and locking the door behind them as they fumble blindly towards the bed, managing not to break their kiss. Their movements are feverish, and as they divest each other of clothing, fingers are caressing, lips are marking, sucking, soothing; each touch, each kiss is a panacea for the chaos of their lives right now.
Seeking an affirmation of life, Delphine’s lips land over and over again against Cosima’s chest, right above where her heart pumps a steady, familiar rhythm. Her fingers walk known paths up and down her spine, her thumb massaging small circles over each vertebrae. This is her favorite expedition, because as she presses closer, she can feel each tiny movement as Cosima’s body shifts and trembles, and it’s confirmation that her touch is wanted. She crawls into those intercostal spaces now as her fingers slowly trace over her torso. Each touch is punctuated with the deepest of kisses, implicitly telling Cosima that she wants to live inside of each breath dancing its way back to the earth.
“Mon trésor,” Delphine breathes out repeatedly as they make love to each other.
Once Cosima catches her breath, once they’ve both given each other so much pleasure, she laces their fingers together, thumb stroking over Delphine’s knuckles.
“Say it again?”
“Mon trésor,” Delphine tugs Cosima’s hand to her lips, kissing her palm before she presses her hand to her heart. “Mon cœur.”
“Sometimes, I think you could just get away with calling me...I don’t know, your little cabbage, and I wouldn’t know it.” Cosima laughs, tucking her head against Delphine’s shoulder.
“Oui. I call you this all the time,” Delphine says, the twinkle in her eyes belying the sincerity on her face.
“I knew it,” Cosima’s still smiling as she kisses Delphine’s shoulder, pulling the blankets around them. She takes a few deep breaths, coughing lightly into her hand, which makes Delphine stroke her hair tenderly.
There’s no blood, though, and no more coughing, and it’s the normal days like this that lull Delphine into a false sense of security. That breath flowing so easily in and out of Cosima’s lungs right now is such an uncertainty, and as they start to relax and drift towards sleep, she’s counting like always, counting the seconds between each breath.
She can keep her alive, like this, by memorizing her life and declaring it to the universe.
Only six seconds between each breath. Six seconds. I won’t let you take a single second from her.
Each time there’s a delay, Delphine knows it, feels it, and then her own life is an uncertainty, too.
*
They leave a month later, staying in a cabin Cosima’s parents own in Oregon, just for a little while. There’s an ominous feeling in the pit of Delphine’s stomach, though; they’re miles away from civilization, yes, and presumably far safer from Leekie, but also too far from any hospitals, should something happen to Cosima.
When they sleep, Delphine keeps a vigil for the first few hours, like always. There are many reasons for it, really, and it’s not just her love for Cosima that has her fighting sleep. The guilt still coils around her heart, and by keeping watch, by keeping her safe the only way she presently knows how, it’s her way of seeking absolution for the sin of her betrayal.
She fears the cold, fears its insidious nature, and how it insists upon flirting with Cosima a little more these days; this is how death comes, Delphine worries. It’s a seductress, whispering of days without end, without pain, endless euphoria, and when Cosima shivers in the dark, she fears the approaching winter of her heart, not knowing how many months they have before it’s imminent.
Wrapping the quilt more firmly around her body, Delphine rests a tender hand on the back of Cosima’s head, coaxing her to rest against her chest. Cosima coughs harshly for a few moments, drawing in deep, nearly gasping breaths immediately after, as Delphine’s other hand rubs slow, firm circles across her upper back. Delphine will never stop, until she makes this better. As long as she keeps going, Cosima won’t capitulate to the charms of the false lover seeking her hand in the dark.
“Delphine...” Cosima’s voice breaks through the tumult of Delphine’s thoughts.
“Tais-toi, mon amour. Je suis ici,” she breathes, kissing her temple. If Cosima knew what she was saying, she’d insist that Delphine lighten up.
Lighten up.
The blithe words, though unspoken, echo through her mind, speaking of a happier time, and she almost wishes she could hear them now. Delphine has managed to quell her occasional urges to dote on her love in a way that she recognizes would be overwhelming, but in these late hours, when everything is still, and she has far too much time to ruminate on the uncertainties of the universe, it’s difficult not to. Silently, she supplicates death for mercy, when she feels a breath stumble its way to Cosima’s lungs.
Not her. Not today. Not ever.
As her fingers stroke over Cosima’s forehead, the shivering finally begins to subside, and Delphine takes a deep breath of her own, matching the one lifting Cosima’s body just slightly away from her.
“Delphine...you have to sleep. Okay?” Her voice is languid, floating on the edge of sleep, and Delphine continues to rub her back.
“As long as you do.”
“Okay.” She tilts her head up just a little, a faint smile on her lips before her heavy-lidded eyes close. “Good. Deal.”
Once Cosima’s body is heavy against her, Delphine wraps both arms around her now, pulling her closer. She’s learned by now, how to tilt her head at just the right angle that Cosima’s steady pulse beats against her lips.
It’s the only thing finally lulls her to sleep, assured of the fact that Cosima is still with her. If she holds her tightly enough, with enough ferocity, perhaps even death would tremble and think better of taking her away.
*
Two weeks go by, and they’re restless, making the two-hour drive into Portland for the weekend.
It’s cold and windy, a misty rain falling on them as they wander through the city. But despite the weather, it feels like a summer day when death comes for her, and that’s the point that Delphine seems to focus on more than anything else. She’d feared death coming for Cosima, feared the cold so typically associated with the absence of life. But as she finds herself struggling to breathe, she thinks about how warm it is, how warm the blood coating her fingers feels, how Cosima’s breathing normally, and it’s her own lungs betraying her now.
“Delphine!”
Cosima’s arms wrap around her, and it’s only then that Delphine remembers Cosima even being here. Then, she worries.
“Not...not safe. Go...”
She can’t even remember what happened; hadn’t they just been eating chocolate croissants at the little cafe? But it’s raining, so they couldn’t have been outside, surely. How in the world died Leekie track them down here? Her thoughts are so disorganized, muted, and she’s clutching at consciousness.
Cosima is frowning deeply, tears filling her eyes as she cradles Delphine in her arms. Her hand reaches out, covering Delphine’s, pressing tightly against the wound oozing so much blood from her abdomen.
“God. Where the hell do you think I would go right now? There’s no way I’m leaving you,” she insists, practically shouting the words to compensate for the fact that her voice is breaking.
“I traded...” Delphine murmurs nonsensically, one hand reaching up, her fingertips brushing at Cosima’s cheek, leaving bloody fingerprints against her pale skin. Traded with death, she thinks. Maybe now Cosima will be safe.
“Delphine, please...” Cosima leans in, her forehead resting against Delphine’s cheek. “Don’t you do this to me, dammit. Please. Delphine, please...”
There are sirens wailing in the distance, but Delphine’s eyes start to flutter closed just as Cosima leans in to kiss her lips.
“Je t’aime,” she whispers, before going limp in Cosima’s arms.
*
The surgery takes hours, and Cosima manages to get in touch with Sarah and Felix, but it takes them two days to get there. It’s on the morning of the third day that Delphine finally stirs, waking up abruptly and calling out for Cosima immediately.
Sarah perches on the edge of her bed, trying to calm her down.
“Hey, hey. Just relax, okay? Don’t need you hurting yourself more than you are already.”
Delphine shakes her head, frowning deeply. “Cosima...where is she?”
Sarah looks at Felix, then back to Delphine, looking down as she says, “Delphine, she’s...God, she’s missing. Fuck.”