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Love, she thinks, exists because of moments like this: Cosima returns with a bag full of groceries, droplets of rain bidding a reluctant farewell as they fall slowly away from her coat, from her hair, tumbling back to the earth. There’s so much happiness in her eyes - Time takes a breath, to let this exist longer than it should - and it ushers away the shadows hanging on Delphine’s heart.
It begins, and ends, like this.
They kiss, they promise things in silence as their breaths tangle together, and her heart follows the trail of light leading her home to Cosima. Every time she feels Cosima start to break away from the kiss, Delphine’s long, elegant fingers curve to her cheek, holding her there a little longer, needing the promise of another breath.
Finally, she lets go, as reluctant to pull away as a ship leaving its port.
“So. I was craving tomato soup. And french fries,” Cosima smirks wryly, setting her bag down, taking her coat off, and depositing herself smoothly onto the couch. The way she moves is clumsily elegant, because she’s so self-assured, so enthusiastically herself.
“This is normal? I’ve never heard of such a combination,” Delphine raises an eyebrow.
“Oh. Yeah. Totally. Unless you’re uncool.”
“Eating this will prove that I’m not?” The amusement is dancing in Delphine’s eyes, and a lightness, like a soft blanket, envelops her heart. The air around them is saturated with life, the warmth of Cosima’s breath a comfort to her troubled mind.
“I think you could find other ways to be cool,” Cosima challenges her coyly.
“Mmm,” Delphine bites her lip, appraising the other woman with mirth so visible on her features. It’s an undoing, just watching Cosima, and Delphine acquiesces every time. Arms folded over her chest for a moment, she opens the bag when she relaxes her stance, nibbling on a few of the fries.
Her back is turned to Cosima, so she’s not expecting the sudden tug on her pants. Turning, she rests her fingers over Cosima’s, stroking her hand.
“Don’t you have something to prove?”
“You are a bit impatient today, I see,” Cosima laughs softly, turning fully to face Cosima now. This teasing is something she thrives on, because it’s borne of so much love, so much affection, but it’s far too difficult to maintain the charade any longer, to play coy and separate herself from Cosima. Her body remembers what it’s like to have Cosima tucked against her, within her, and there’s a clamor in her soul when they’re physically separated for too long. It’s unnatural not to hold her, and the ache from their separation lights fires across her bones.
They kiss again, and Cosima tastes like cinnamon, like the sun drawing its first breath; there’s a bitterness there, too, and it whispers of endings, so she glides her tongue over it fervently, muting it, denying its insistence. She can do this, she can love her into life.
Her fingers curl beneath Cosima’s shirt, and their movements are frenetic quickly, needing to feel the incomparable sense of completion that comes from mutual euphoria. After they make love, Cosima lays drowsily across Delphine’s chest, fingers tracing indecipherable patterns across her shoulder.
“Let’s take a road trip somewhere,” she suggests. “Tomorrow.”
“Where would we go?”
“The ocean. I wanna see the ocean. I wanna see you laugh.”
“I’ve been to the ocean before, Cosima, it doesn’t make me…laugh,” she notes.
“It does if I splash you.”
“Cheeky girl,” Delphine murmurs, turning her head to kiss Cosima’s temple tenderly. “I think your fries and tomato soup have gone cold.”
“Not going anywhere…” Cosima mumbles, as her fingers falter against her skin, her heavy eyes closing.
Not going anywhere. She has no right to, but Delphine holds this as a promise, counting on it to be true of everything.
*
Lately, Cosima’s been waking up just before sunrise, and today is no exception. Delphine follows soon after, blinking her eyes open to notice her curled up in the window seat, arms wrapped around her knees as she watches the sunrise.
Cosima is watching everything, these days; sunrises, sunsets, every rainstorm, every leaf made an orphan by the wind. She’s collecting used books with messages written in the covers - For Emily, who brought me strawberries in the winter; finding discarded post-it notes with instructions to ‘meet me at 7 o’clock,’ receipts with hearts drawn in the corner, old photographs. It’s all so strange to Delphine at first until she realizes that Cosima is collecting life, carrying it with her in these little pieces, fragments and glimpses of what’s existing around her.
Delphine has never known anyone like Cosima, someone so ethereal, so full of life, and she must surely have endeared herself to the universe as she’s endeared herself to Delphine, pure sunshine painted on her heart.
Shuffling out of bed, her limbs still heavy with sleep, Delphine bends to press a tender kiss to Cosima’s shoulder, lips lingering as she watches the sky begin to erupt with luminance and color. She makes coffee for both of them, then huddles next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist.
“It’ll be a good day,” Cosima says, her breath pinched off as she fights to keep from coughing. She does it for Delphine’s sake, and knowing that, Delphine’s thumb glides over her shoulder blades, soothing the unseen violence lurking in the passages of her lungs.
“It’s not warm enough to swim in the ocean.”
“Yeah,” Cosima shrugs, looking up at Delphine. “Sometimes…all you can do is watch. You know?”
*
“So did you ever go backpacking through Europe?” Cosima asks casually, resting her legs up on the dashboard as Delphine drives them to the coast.
Diverting her gaze from the road for just a moment, Delphine arches an eyebrow at the lazy way Cosima’s reclining, but says nothing. Her life before this, before Cosima, was filled with strict adherence to etiquette, proper conduct, and it was stifling in some ways.
“I’m not the backpacking type so much,” Delphine confesses.
Munching on a handful of corn nuts, Cosima nods. “Doesn’t surprise me.”
“My parents, they had a chateau near a lake, and I loved our summers there,” she smiles wistfully.
“Yeah?” This grabs Cosima’s attention, and she turns to look at her, a smirk lighting her face. “Did you go skinny-dipping?”
Delphine’s mouth drops, a look of pure amusement lighting her face nonetheless. Keeping her eyes on the road, she swats Cosima’s arm playfully.
“With my parents right there? You are a bad influence, Cosima,” Delphine’s words are laced with so much affection, though.
“I’ll get you to go skinny-dipping with me. When the weather warms up.”
“Where will we go?”
“We’ll go see my parents, borrow their cabin in Tahoe for a week,” Cosima decides, popping a few more corn nuts into her mouth.
“I like this,” Delphine decides, the tension always uncoiling from her bones when they make plans for the future. And it’s clear in her voice, her breath, that she’s more relaxed, just from imagining this coming to pass.
“So it’s a deal. You’ll go?”
“You don’t know by now I’d go anywhere with you?”
“Just checking,” Cosima assures her, reaching out to lace their fingers together while Delphine keeps one hand on the wheel. Cosima’s touch lights candles in the darkest chambers of her heart, making her come alive in ways she never knew she could.
It’s like summertime, this love between them; warm and bright, laced with sweetness, and the promise of endless daylight, of hours - eternity, she wishes - untouched by twilight.
*
It’s grey and overcast when they make it to the beach, but they’re both wearing warm clothes, Cosima with a hoodie from the Santa Cruz boardwalk, and it’s more than bearable. Cosima kicks off her shoes and rolls up her jeans, tugging on Delphine’s hand.
“Come on, just get your feet wet.”
“I’m in love with a crazy person,” Delphine shakes her head fondly, but agrees. She always agrees, because it’s Cosima.
Pausing to kiss her knuckles, she lets Cosima lead her to the water now, and shrieks when the bitter cold stings her skin.
“Aw, come on. It’s worth it, isn’t it? And I’ll warm you up later.”
Snaking an arm around her waist, Delphine pulls her close, dropping a kiss to her temple.
“Chaque moment avec toi en vaut la peine, mon amour,” Delphine confesses, her voice just slightly husky with emotion.
“It sounds good, whatever you said,” Cosima laughs a little, ducking her head to kiss Delphine’s neck.
“I love you,” Delphine says, knowing it’s a struggle for Cosima to reciprocate, even now. The reluctance, she thinks, is less about the betrayal those many months ago, and more about her fear of giving away those words so freely when their time together is seemingly finite.
It’s untrue, perhaps; Delphine can only suppose that as the reason for the way those words get lost in her throat. The love is there, she can feel it, and that means more than anything. They get a tent set up in a secluded spot, laying out layers of quilts and warm blankets and curling up for the afternoon to eat lunch and read aloud in funny voices to each other.
Tiring easily, Cosima falls asleep for a few hours, draped across Delphine’s chest. With her cheek resting against Cosima’s forehead, Delphine presses soft, delicate kisses to her skin as her fingers stroke carefully through her hair, then up and down her back, right over her ribcage expanding with each breath.
The slight chill in the air ignites every exhale from her love, and Delphine’s grateful for the silvery wisps of breath, the reminder that she’s lost nothing yet, that time hasn’t betrayed them.
“Mon tresor,” she whispers against her ear, sucking in a sharp breath as her emotions overwhelm her. It’s when she’s alone with her thoughts that her heart feels heaviest, like the world couldn’t possibly bear the weight of it now.
When Cosima finally wakes up close to dinnertime, Delphine retrieves the sandwiches they packed, curling close as they eat.
“I’ll get a fire going in a minute. We can roast some of those marshmallows, be total kids again.”
“We’ll make…s’mores, yes?” Delphine smiles lightly.
“Oh, yeah. The good stuff. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
Leaning in, after she’s finished her last bite, Delphine kisses her tenderly, fingertips dancing uncertainly over her jawline. But Cosima deepens the kiss, saying everything she can’t seem to express in words right now.
They get lost in kissing each other until Cosima finally pulls away to get a fire lit. Then, they roast marshmallows together, with Cosima showing her how to make a s’more.
“If you get melted chocolate all over, you’re doing it right,” Cosima tells her, just before taking a big bite, indeed getting chocolate all over her mouth.
Distracted for a moment by the sight of her love looking so carefree and adorable, Delphine finally takes a bite, and hums her approval.
“This is delicious,” she decides, taking another bite. But then, she can’t help leaning in to let her tongue glide over the smeared chocolate on Cosima’s skin, pressing a few deep, open-mouthed kisses there once the chocolate is gone.
“Next time, we’ll bring pot brownies,” Cosima mentions, after finishing hers off.
“I look forward to it,” Delphine laughs, wiping her fingers off before cupping both hands to Cosima’s face, and kissing her. Cosima’s fingers stroke through her hair, almost reverently, as they continue to kiss, only parting to catch their breaths.
They both eat one more s’more for now, then make love on the quilt, right there beneath the stars. Tangling close for warmth, their gazes tilt up to the sky, Cosima pointing out a few constellations.
“Astronomy wasn’t really my thing, but who doesn’t like looking up at the stars? Especially on a night like this.”
“I would have to agree. There’s something…so peaceful about it.” Her hand is wrapped around Cosima’s waist, as always, needing to have her as close as she can get, as though she’ll lose her if they break contact for too long.
A comfortable silence lingers between them, and she can feel Cosima getting heavier against her, sleep rapidly approaching. Her breathing’s a little raspy, the breath rattling and unsteady in her lungs, as though it’s not sure it even belongs there anymore. It’s terrifying, and all that Delphine can do is hold on, and fight for her.
With one hand around her waist, her other hand reaches up to stroke back and forth across her forehead, easing Cosima into a deep sleep.
The sleep that comes for Delphine belatedly is troubled, dark and hollow, and she wakes a few times, shifting closer to feel Cosima’s breath on her cheek.
In the morning, the rising sun eases her awake, and her eyes land on Cosima, watching her chest rise and fall; the great triumph of the human heart, each breath giving birth to another second of life. It’s the seconds that really matter, those moments when kisses begin, and life shines in a smile, and love is whispered, and held, and lingers long after the seconds and hours and days have turned life into a memory.
She kisses the corner of Cosima’s mouth, prompting her to smile sleepily, before turning into the kiss.
“I love you, you know,” Cosima mumbles, before rolling over. The seconds pass, but they light up Delphine’s heart in a way nothing else ever has. And she thinks of the way words can make love immortal. She thinks of the way this moment rises and bursts open her life like the sun heralding a new day. But this moment has to pass, like everything. And she aches when she thinks of the way Cosima turns away from the sun to follow it.
fin.