Work Text:
February 10th, 2018
2:01am Theon: Dude
2:02am Theon: Dude
2:03am Theon: Dude
2:04am Theon: Dude
2:05am Theon: Dude
2:06am Theon: Dude
2:07am Theon: Dude
2:08am Theon: Dude
2:15am Jon: WHAT DO YOU WANT
2:16am Jon: WHY CAN'T YOU BOTHER ROBB
2:17am Jon: WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME AT 2AM
2:18am Jon: SOME OF US ACTUALLY WORK FOR A LIVING
2:21am Theon: What am I going to get Sansa and Stannis for the baby shower?
2:22am Theon: Shireen left me in charge of gift giving
2:23am Theon: And Robb just got back together with Roslin tonight, Jon. That would be very rude of me to interrupt them. You should really learn some manners.
2:25am Jon: Oh my god
2:26am Jon: You know the shower is in less than 16 hours right? What were you thinking?
2:28am Theon: I was thinking I would have more time but I just looked at the registry and like everything good is gone.
2:29am Jon: Theon you had time two months ago when they announced the date for this thing
2:30am Jon: Now leave me alone. I, unlike you, put thought and effort into this and don't have time to be awake right now
2:31am Theon: See this is why you're alone in life, you never help anyone
2:35am Jon: I am married with a child
2:37am Jon: You are an idiot
2:38am Jon: Gods bless Shireen for dealing with you because no one else could
4:00am My *octopus emoji*: Hello, my eternal love, I have found the perfect gift for your father and his main lady aka baby mama aka Sansa. I'll be gone most of the day but I'll see you at the festivities tonight
4:05am Queen Ri: Theon, it's 4am, flattery will get you nowhere
4:06am Queen Ri: And don't call Sansa that you know she'll kill you, she still hasn't forgotten the clam bake incident
4:07am Queen Ri: I also thought you took care of the gift two weeks ago?
4:10am My *octopus emoji*: Now is not the time to worry about such details
4:12am Queen Ri: You better hope it's perfect bc otherwise I'm moving in with Cella and you'll be spending the winter visiting different lakes with me to collect water samples
4:15am My *octopus emoji*: As your boy toy????
4:16am Queen Ri: As this weird dude who stalks me
4:17am My *octopus emoji*: I could live with that
4:18am My *octopus emoji*: I shall see you tonight, my sea goddess
4:20am Queen Ri: Be on time Theon
4:21am My *octopus emoji*: Have I ever been late?????
4:22am Queen Ri: Yes, when you showed up to our first date five days late
4:24am My *octopus emoji*: For the last time, your 4s look like 9s and who sends hand written notes anymore??
4:25am My *octopus emoji*: I love you, my sea stars and wind, I'll see you at the party tonight
10:00am RiRi: Theon didn't start looking for a gift until like 4am last night
10:01am Cella: No way! What were you thinking leaving him in charge of the gift for the Stark-Baratheon Baby?
10:02am Cella: I can't believe they did a hyphenated last name. They're so modern. That kid is gonna have the longest boggiest name ever.
10:03am RiRi: Once again, it's thanks to Sansa. I honestly thought my dad was super old-school and then he was the one that they all did the two name thing, so their kid "wouldn't feel weird"
10:04am RiRi: I didn't even know my dad could recognize that as a feeling
10:05am RiRi: Did I tell you he makes Pho from scratch every Sunday now? Like he fell in love with it in Vietnam and learned how to make it so he could enjoy eating it
10:06am RiRi: When I was little, he learned how to cook so we wouldn't starve or get fat. Now he sends me home with LEFTOVERS every Sunday.
10:07am RiRi: And it'll be fine, I already bought that crib Sansa liked. This is just the "party gift" Theon's getting.
10:09am Cella: Your dad is a changed man, it was also probably the divorce from your weird cult-mom, not gonna lie
10:10am Cella: I think anyone would enjoy life after leaving that ball of crazy
10:11am Cella: How very devious of you to have a back-up plan. What will Theon say when he finds out?
10:12am RiRi: My squishy will be thrilled that I'm so smart and thought of a back-up plan
10:13am Cella: Ew, squishy? Really? Why?
10:14am RiRi: Yeah, you know the jellyfish scene from Finding Nemo? It's Theon's favorite
10:15am RiRi: And I'm sorry that we can't all be "Cella and Tris: hot and heavy and making people regret leaving their house when they see us making out on the metro"
10:16am Cella: Well you could be, it might actually be less gross than your super in-loveness
10:17am Cella: You better hope Theon manages to find something decent or when you and your jellyfish become Mr. & Mrs. Jellyfish, the parents might still be annoyed
10:18am RiRi: At the very least Theon's gift will be entertaining, as they always are
10:19am RiRi: And Dad's gotten over most of his annoyance with Theon's existence in our lives
10:20am RiRi: It's your dad and Uncle Renly that are more concerning. They still think Theon is a prick
10:21am Cella: He spilled the whole bowl of clam chowder on them at the clam bake. Everybody was pissed.
10:22am Cella: If it was Sansa's Aunt Lysa's shitty King's Landing version maybe people would be more forgiving but instead it was the delicious Northern clam chowder that Mrs. Stark made.
10:23am Cella: And then everyone had to eat that gross red spicy stuff that has no place on a proper Northern beach clam bake
10:24am RiRi: It's not his fault that sand is unstable
10:25am RiRi: Maybe they should of watched where they were sitting
10:26am RiRi: Lol, who am I kidding, that was still hilarious, I've never seen anyone turn so red with anger and Uncle Robert was married to Cersi
10:27am Cella: #tbt to dealing with that crazy
10:28am Cella: And Shireen, Theon was so high, the lobsters that weren't cooked yet were getting a contact high
10:29am RiRi: It was still funny
10:30am Cella: That's beside the point even if I still laugh at the videos to this day
12:00pmRobert: Did u get a weird call from Shireen's boyfriend last night that rambled about how we bought all the good gifts when we really should just be brining clam chowder?
12:05pm Renly: Yeah, he also told me that he would show us all how much better at gift giving he was
12:10pm Robert: Do u think he was high again?
12:20pm Renly: Nah, I talked to your daughter, I think that was just his normal personality
12:25pm Robert: Man, I hate that kid
12:30pm Renly: Same, Loras loves him but that doesn't say much for his taste
12:35pm Robert: Rough patch?
12:40pm Renly: Stannis's decision to be a stay-at-home dad and basically fulfill every one of Sansa's dreams is making Loras want to settle down and adopt a child and be a domesticated and start growing our own damn eggplants
12:45pm Renly: Neither one of us even likes that disgusting purple vegetable
12:50pm Robert: Yeah, attending the baby shower might not be in your best interest
12:55pm Renly: I'm probably going to leave engaged for that simple reason given the warpath Loras is on
1:00pm Stannis: Hello Mrs. Stark-Baratheon, when will I see you today?
1:03pm Sansa: Hey dearest, I'm out for a day of pampering with Shireen and Cella. Would you like to meet for lunch?
1:10pm Stannis: No, it's okay. I'm taking the goats for their check-up and I'll see you before the party.
1:15pm Sansa: Remember you have to smile at the party!!! I want one photo before I get too pregnant where I look glowing and radiant and not like a blowfish and I can see your lovely smile!
1:20am Stannis: Yes yes but only 10 photos
1:25pm Sansa: Throw in a cuddle session and hot chocolate when you get home and we've got a deal
1:30pm Stannis: I do believe we have a deal
2:00pm Robb: Have you hear from Theon at all?
2:01pm Robb: Normally I get like 20 texts, 4 snap chats, and 7 memes on Instagram by now
2:02pm Robb: I'm worried
2:05pm Jon: No and thank god
2:06pm Jon: It's been nothing but peace and quiet
2:07pm Jon: He did text me at 2am though so maybe he is sleeping
2:15pm Robb: lol had he not found a gift yet?
2:16pm Robb: and don't be mean, Theon just needs a lot of attention, like a dog or toddler
2:20pm Jon: No he had not found a gift yet
2:21pm Jon: I hate him
2:22pm Jon: Why doesn't he bother you at 2am?
2:23pm Jon: Why not you who does nothing
2:30pm Robb: hey
2:31pm Robb: I run a very important blog
2:32m Robb: And Roslin and I have just gotten back together, we are very fragile right now
2:32pm Jon: You photograph Weirwood trees and eat organic soup for a living
2:33pm Jon: Don't even give me your nonsense
2:34pm Jon: Roslin going to visit her parents for three days does not constitute as you guys splitting up
2:35pm Jon: You've been together for like 10 years, you're not fragile, you have a son with her
2:40pm Robb: See if I give you Ygritte's number now
2:45pm Jon: I don't need her number
2:46pm Jon: I am married to her
2:47pm Jon: You know this, you were Best Man #1 and Theon was Best Man A bc you wanted to be Best Men together
2:50pm Robb: You should really be more polite, how else will you ever find a girlfriend?
2:55pm Jon: You and Theon deserve each other
6:01pm Queen Ri: Where are you??????
6:02pm My *octopus emoji*: Standing right behind you
6:03pm My *octopus emoji*: I got the baby mama the greatest gift ever and you're going to be so proud
6:04pm My *octopus emoji*: You'll also have to agree to what I asked before and you turned down
6:05pm My *octopus emoji*: But now I'm responsible and you'll have no choice but to agree
6:06pm Queen Ri: Are you okay? Did you get any sleep at all?
6:07pm Queen Ri: I didn't think you knew what responsible meant
6:08pm My *octopus emoji*: Of course not, I was busy
6:09pm My *octopus emoji*: And I am getting my doctorate I do know somethings
6:10pm Queen Ri: Alright, just behave and try not to spill chowders on anyone else
6:11pm Queen Ri: Why are we texting anyways?? We are literally standing right next to each other
6:12pm My *octopus emoji*: Shhhhh....shouldn't you be helping the beached whale?
6:13pm Queen Ri: You know this is why Sansa hates you
10:00pm Robb: Can you believe what Theon got Sansa?
10:01pm Robb: We were out done by an idiot
10:05pm Jon: Speak for yourself, Sansa loved my gift
10:06pm Jon: But, yeah. How did he think to get her that and where did he find it?
10:08pm Robb: Shireen said he left last night and came back right before the party
10:09pm Robb: I'm offended that he managed to earn the favorite gift spot
10:10pm Jon: I think that actually went to Rickon
10:11pm Jon: Whose pasta mosaic of Sansa and Stannis actually brought tears to people's eyes
10:12pm Jon: I'm just confused why he is 22 with a fine arts degree and he still choses pasta as his medium
10:14pm Robb: Rickon doesn't count of course he was going to be the favorite, he's the baby of the family
10:15pm Robb: I just don't understand why Sansa has clearly bad decision making skills
10:016pm Robb: I need to go bc Roslin promised Starbucks and Praline lattes if I stop complaining
10:17pm Jon: See you next week
10:18pm Jon: Remember to not get that extra shot of expresso because it'll make you stay up late
10:19pm Jon: And Roslin does not need to wake up to you learning Greek in the middle of the night again
10:20pm Robb: Thanks for the advice mom
11:11pm Sansa: Thank you so much for the lovely and thoughtful gift Theon! it was so sweet and will go perfectly in the baby's room!
11:12pm Theon: You're welcome sis, only the best for the best
11:13pm Sansa: Brunch on Saturday?
11:14pm Theon: Yes, we've got to catch up on The Bachelor
12:00am Sansa: Did you say yes to Theon's proposal??????
12:01am Shireen: Yeah, we're getting a corgi.
12:02am Sansa: Wait.....you're not getting married?
12:03am Shireen: I told him he needs to finish his degree first
12:04am Sansa: Oh, so I'll start planning for it in like, 20 years
12:05am Shireen: Exactly