Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“You know we still haven’t discussed names.” Helen tells Max as she looks through a baby name book gifted to her by Serwa. They’re sitting on the couch in the living room with Luna, who’s watching her favorite cartoon.

“Did you have something in mind?” Max asks while he massages Helen's feet.

“I have a few.”

“A few? Yeah, all right.” Max chuckles, giving Helen a knowing smile. “I’m sure you already have an entire list of baby names.”

He remembers being in the P.I.C.U with Helen when she named Zuhrah, the abandoned baby she found in a duffle bag under a bench in Central Park.

Max could see Helen's attachment to this baby from a mile away once she volunteered to give the crying baby skin-to-skin contact to soothe and help her fight through withdrawals. His heart ached as he watched Helen fall deeper in love with the baby girl she named Zuhrah. All Max wanted to do then was support Helen, which is why his heart sank when he told her that Zuhrah's birth father had arrived to take the baby home.

“To tell you the truth, I had mostly girl names on my list.” Helen admits. “I honestly didn’t think we would be having a boy...”

“Are you disappointed?” Max asks. “I mean, it’s okay if you are. I just kinda assumed we would have a girl too.”

“No, of course not, but I would be lying if I said that the idea of a mini-you running around the house doesn’t terrify me. But like his father, he already gives me butterflies.” Helen notes lovingly, referring to the fluttering sensation in her stomach. Max smiles at the memory of Helen telling him he was butterflies. “Hey, Munchkin, the baby’s kicking.”

“Really?” Luna exclaims, shifting her attention away from the cartoon she’s watching and hurries toward her mother. “Can I feel, Mum? I wanna feel it!”

“Give me your hand,” Helen smiles, taking Luna’s hand and placing it over the spot where the baby kicked.

At that moment, Max fell deeper in love with her, knowing that she was committed to not only him but to Luna and their baby boy too. Even though Max was once afraid that he wouldn’t be able to make her happy and give her a life full of adventure, he understood now that this in itself was pure bliss and excitement. Here he and Helen were now, nearly two years later, with a baby on the way signaling a new journey ahead of them. Nothing compared to the feeling of assurance he had right now, watching Helen dote over his, no, their daughter, and seeing just how much Luna idolized her mum.

Max was aware of how daunting becoming a mother was for Helen. However, as he watched her dote over their daughter, Max saw a change in her. He witnessed how much Helen meant to Luna, which made his heart swell with pride. For Max, seeing the woman who once believed she wasn’t cut out for parenthood open her heart to their little girl brought him a newfound sense of happiness. Max remembers not too long ago when Mina moved in with Helen, and she told him that although she wasn't a mother yet that being thrust into motherhood would be "innate." Although Helen couldn't see it then, it was true. She had maternal instinct and a piece of innate knowledge that seemed to be an automatic part of becoming a mother. Sure parenting wasn't easy, especially when it came to raising a teenager and a toddler, but there was just something about how Helen cared for the girls instinctively that Max treasured. Luna was his entire world, and after so much heartache, she brought Max a sense of hope which is why seeing the love of his life and his daughter bond sometimes brought tears to his eyes because he knew that Helen felt the same way now too.

“Do you feel him?” Helen asks. “Can you feel your brother kicking?”

“Yeah!” Luna says excitedly, feeling a slight nudge of the baby beneath her palm. “Baby brother kicked me, Mum!”

“Well, it’s either him or…gas.” Max jokes. “I wouldn’t be too sure that’s your brother, Lu. Your mum’s been very gassy lately.”

“Thanks a lot, Max...” Max turns to see Helen and Luna giving him the side-eye. “Way to ruin the moment.”

“Yeah, thanks a lot, Daddy.” Luna mimics as she gently pats Helen’s stomach. “Hi, baby. It’s me, Luna, your big sister. I can’t wait to play with you and show you all my toys!”

To be completely honest, Helen and Max were a little worried about how Luna would react to having a new sibling, but she had taken them both by surprise. While Luna had seemed to grow tremendously since discovering she would be a big sister, there were still times when she would act out because of it. Luna was the center of her parents’ universe, and a new baby would definitely change the trajectory of that. Although Luna enjoyed feeling her baby brother kick, like every other kid her age, her parents knew it would still be an adjustment.

“What about Liam?” Helen asks Max while looking through the baby name book.

“That’s the most popular boy's name. I guarantee that he’ll have five other Liams in his class once he starts school.”

“Alright, that was just a suggestion.” Helen sighs as she flips through the beginning of the book. “How do you feel about Alfie or Alistair?”

“No offense, but that’s a little too British for my taste.” Max scoffs, his eyes skimming through the rest of the ‘A’ section. “What about Adam or Austin?”

“I don’t know why but I can’t shake off the rugged cowboy feel Austin gives off, so that’s a definite no. Also, isn’t Adam the name of Elizabeth’s younger brother?”

“Yeah, you’re right. I forgot about that.” Max says as he begins scrolling through a list of popular baby names from a quick Google search on his iPhone. “What do you think about Miles?”

“Yeah, that’s a possibility.” Helen sighs as she flips through the remaining pages of book. “What about naming the baby after a family member? Any suggestions there?”

“I don’t know something Jewish, maybe? Look, I don’t even know how my parents came up with ‘Maximus’ of all things, considering they have very common names." Max states then turns to Helen. “What’s it mean anyways?”

“Do you really want to know?” Helen chuckles as she stares at the meaning of Max’s name.

“Yeah, why not?”

“Okay, but I’m afraid it’s just going to go to fuel your ego.” Helen tells him.

“Just tell me…” Max pleads.

“Your name means ‘The Greatest’…”

“You’re kidding…” Max raises an eyebrow.

“Unfortunately, no.” Helen laughs as Max rolls his eyes.

"What about naming the baby something Ghanaian or Persian? Like Fahrad? After your brother?” Max suggests.

“Fahrad Goodwin?” Helen questions. “I don’t know how to feel about that.”

“If it has to do with the last name, we can always hyphenate it. I guess Fahrad Sharpe-Goodwin works too.”

“No, it’s not that. I love the sentiment and think that’s a sweet gesture, but we weren’t that close, and I wouldn’t want to offend Mina by naming the baby after her father.” Helen admits. “Also, if we were to do something like that, I can already see him being teased in school for his name.”

“We shouldn’t even have to consider potential racial bias when picking a baby name. That should be the least of our worries right now, especially regarding a new baby.”

“Unfortunately, we have to because that’s the world we live in. Being mixed race will already pose a variety of challenges for him. Let's try not to add to that.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Besides, two kids named after our deceased siblings say more about us than them, right?” Max jokes. “I didn’t think choosing a name would be this hard.”

“Shouldn’t you be experienced with this by now? I mean, haven’t you been through this once before with Georgia?”

“To be honest, Georgia and I never really discussed baby names. We were too busy trying to save our marriage. But, then, she suggested Luna one day, and that was it.”

“I didn’t know that.” Helen says solemnly. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Max asks. “None of that’s your fault, you know?”

“I just regret bringing that loss up for you. In some ways, I know you’re still haunted by it.”

“True, but I’ve made peace with it. We both lost people we loved, but we’re more than our losses. When Luna was born, she brought hope into my life. The same way our baby boy is now.” Max confesses. “Look, as horrible as this may sound, none of that truly matters to me anymore because I have you.”

Max was happy that Helen had been by his side through the many trials and tribulations life had thrown his way. So, even now, as Max sat in New Amsterdam’s Cancer Center with an IV attached to his arm, flushing toxins into him, he was still grateful to have Helen by his side. After six long months, he was glad to be in his final cycle of chemotherapy. Dr. Stauton had informed him and Helen that the radiation was working; she believed Max was now in partial remission since his tumor had shrunk to half of the original size.

As a doctor, Max knew that remission didn’t mean his cancer was gone for good, he wasn’t cured, but this was undoubtedly a good sign. Helen and Dr. Stauton had explained that just because his cancer had gone into remission, whether complete or partial, it usually meant it responded to whatever treatment.

“Hey, hun.” Helen peered from the hospital corridor, trying to get Max’s attention.

“Helen?” Max questioned tiredly. He was surprised to see her checking up on him since he knew she had a busy day full of meetings and conference calls. “Wha–What are you doing here?”

“I’m chair of this department, and as head of Oncology, I still have some important paperwork to finish before the health conference in Colorado this weekend.” Helen reminds him.

“That’s right. Sorry, I’ve got, um, Chemo brain.” Max chuckles nervously, referring to the bouts of short-term memory loss he occasionally gets from his treatments.

“You have no reason to be sorry.” Helen assures him, feeling like she may have come off too strong.

“So why are you really here?” Max smirks. He knows Helen is lying. If she were preparing for the conference, she would be in her office coordinating with the other department heads and Elizabeth, who Max promoted as interim Medical Director.

“I just wanted to see your face,” Helen admits. “But I’ll be on my way. I know you probably don’t want me here.”

Helen understood the toll chemotherapy and radiation treatments had taken on Max. It was something she knew he didn’t miss, but the worst part was watching the man she loved slowly lose parts of himself. When Max looked in the mirror, he didn’t recognize the person staring back at him anymore. Max felt as if he were a completely different person. If anything, he was mad for feeling vulnerable and hated being helpless when he was the one who always offered to help. So as a result, Helen never attended any of his treatment sessions. Of course, she wanted to support him but remembering how Max once told her that he didn’t want anyone to see him so weak, she never asked to come along.

When Max married Georgia, his pride kept him from being vulnerable. Then, after she died, he did not let Helen in. He didn’t want to repeat his past mistakes.

“Helen, would you stay with me?” Max asks sincerely. “I mean if you’re not too busy.”

“Of course.” Helen smiles as she slowly lowers herself into the seat next to him. “When am I ever too busy for you?”

“Hey, little guy, I missed you.” Max smiles softly, placing his hand over Helen’s enlarged baby bump. “Are you being good for your mum today?”

“He is most definitely not,” Helen replies exhaustively. “I’m telling you, if this is any indication of his personality once he’s born, we will have our work cut out for us.”

“Why can’t you seem to keep still, pal? It seems like you inherited my ADHD, yet another reason for daddy to apologize to your mum.” Max chuckles, turning to Helen sympathetically. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I think you have already done enough.” Helen raises an eyebrow and points at her stomach. She didn’t even need to say a word. The look on her face was more than enough for Max. “I’m not sure there’s anything else left for you to do. He’s just being difficult, like someone else I know...”

“Yeah, but everyone knows you love me because of my chaotic personality.” Max smiles at Helen, completely enamored, soaking up every inch of her.

“Could you please stop looking at me like that?” Helen asks timidly, her cheeks turning a rosy shade of red.

“I’m just in awe of you and everything you are.” Max smiles.

“Well, you shouldn’t be.” Helen tells him.

“Why not?” Max asks, full of concern.

“It’s nothing.” Helen sighs tiredly, rubbing the taut of her stomach. “Today has just been one of those days.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Max places his hand over hers. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“No, I shouldn’t be burdening you with all of this. Especially not here, not now...”

“Trust me. You wouldn’t be. Plus, it’s not like I have anywhere else to be. I still have at least another hour of chemo anyway.” Max remarks, looking at the clock ticking on the wall. “You would be doing me a favor. So, please, burden me.”

“One of my former patients came in for a routine check-up today, but unfortunately, his cancer returned, and there’s nothing I can do. The worst part is he’s only six years old.”

“I’m really sorry, babe. That’s tough. I can’t even imagine what that boy’s parents must be going through.” Max admits. “I mean, six, that’s not much older than Luna.”

“You see, that was the hardest part, telling his parents there was nothing I could do to save their son’s life. Being a parent myself, it felt so wrong...”

“I have no words.” Max recalls how difficult it was for his mom and dad after his sister Luna died. His parents grew apart, and how they left him feeling so alone. “No one wants to experience or should even have to anticipate the death of a child. Especially not their own.”

“I’m just feeling very insecure at the moment.”

“Why?” Max asks, his face full of concern.

“I just feel like I’ve wasted precious time and the situation today with my patient; I don’t know why, but it made me question everything that’s happened over the last year.” Helen admits. “I hate that I can’t enjoy it all because time is moving so fast, and I’m so consumed by doubt because I don’t want to make any more mistakes with us or as parents.”

“Helen, I get it. Trust me, especially with the recurrence of my cancer. I understand what it feels like to be losing time.” Max tells her. “That’s the thing about time. We can't get it back, but that only means we need to make every moment count, both the good and bad.”

“I’m just scared, Max. So scared that I’m going to be a horrible mother.” Helen says, full of uncertainty. It breaks Max’s heart as her eyes begin welling up with tears. “What if I’m not cut out for motherhood. What if I can’t give them love the way they deserve? Both of our children. Luna and the baby.”

“You don’t believe that, do you?” Max asks genuinely, whiping a stray tear from her eyes. “If that were the case, maybe I shouldn’t be a parent either.”

“The relationship I have with my mum. It shaped how I view everything, children, men, including you.” Helen tells him. “And watching those parents fighting over what to do over their son’s condition brought up a lot of unresolved feelings for me, like all my fears were brought out in the open.”

“You already are a great mother, Helen. Luna adores you, and I already know our son will too.” Max tells her. “I know you love them, but more importantly, they know, and that’s what matters the most.”

“I just don’t want our children to feel like they’re a burden. The way my mother made me feel.”

“They’re not going to because we’re going to teach them that's what we do in this family: we burden each other. We help carry each other's load. But, Helen, you’ve always been selfless and caring. You find the good in people even at their worst. So I know you would never let that happen, seeing as you’re the most loving, warm, and forgiving person I’ve ever met.”

“I’m scared I’m going to mess everything up. I never thought things would work out with my mum the way they did. After all these years, I've finally mustered enough courage to forgive her. I see a different side of her now, but what if I become just like her? What if I don’t deserve any of this?”

“Of course, you deserve this. Look at me; you’re not going to mess this up, okay? You could never do that. That’s impossible because you are an amazing mother. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, parenting is all about loving your child unconditionally, something you already do so effortlessly. I know that because I see how you look at Luna and, more importantly, how Luna looks at you. You love deeply, and that alone is what makes a great parent.”

Helen remembers going with Serwa to a big fancy castle in Heathrow last year when she was looking for wedding venues. Yet, none of it felt right because Helen didn’t think she deserved happiness. That alone, accompanied by her mother sarcastically telling her: “You thought you deserve a fairytale in a castle with that man and his daughter. It’s a fairytale you want. It’s a fairytale you’ll get.” That made it even harder for her to accept that she was worthy of happiness.

“Growing up, I didn’t believe in fairytales. I didn’t believe in love. At least, I didn’t think I deserved any of it until you showed me. You, Luna, and this baby are my happily ever after.”

“Helen, you are so deserving. You don’t need me to show you that. You may be the strongest woman I know, but you still deserve love and happiness. Sure, parenting is hard, and we’ll make mistakes along the way, but nothing worth fighting for ever comes easy. You taught me that.”

Nearly a year ago, a few months before they discovered they were expecting their son, Max and Helen underwent a round of IVF that failed. While they both knew it would be a struggle to have a baby with Helen’s list of fertility issues, they still remained hopeful and tried again. Max kept on telling her that they needed to live in the possibility. Of course, Helen loved Luna as her own, but even then, he began to understand the feelings of defeat after two failed rounds of IVF. Max knew it was incorrect of him to insinuate that having Luna would be enough for Helen. Although Helen loved their daughter more than she would ever know, Max understood that Helen still desired to have a child of her own. The journey was far from easy, but it was worth it. All the pain, all the losses, happened for a reason. If not, they wouldn’t have their son.

It’s why Max felt a pang of grief regarding fatherhood. This baby was too special for them. Max promised himself he would be better this time. Even though Max always tried to reassure Helen about her relationship with Serwa, he still blamed his parents for his feelings of self-doubt. After being abandoned by them after his sister’s death, he just couldn’t help it. He never wanted Luna or his son to feel the way he did growing up.

“If anything, I’m the one who will end up messing it all up.”

“How would you do that?”

“My parents, they’re not bad people. They were just absent, you know? Sometimes it felt like they were a million miles away. Off on another planet or something.”

“I can’t imagine. That must have been hard for you.”

“My mom and I were close, but I think she blamed herself for what happened to Luna. Then once my dad started drinking, he grew awful each day. I did everything to please them. To earn some kind of validation, but I was never enough.”

“Did he ever hurt you and your mom?”

Max nods. “He would rarely get physical, but to this day, I can still hear his voice echoing in my head, telling me I was worthless and belittling my mom. She always apologized and said: ‘He never used to be this way.’ Continuously telling me that his old man was the same way and losing Luna broke him, so I guess I got lucky somehow.”

“You never told me that about your father. I wish I’d known.”

“None of that matters now. The point is we’re not our parents. You’re not Serwa, and I’m not my dad. We’ve been through too much to turn out the way they did. Look, I know this pregnancy has been rough on you, and my cancer hasn’t made it any easier, but our son is a blessing. No matter what, everything will be okay because we’re doing this together. You’re not alone.”

“You don’t think part of me knows that? It’s just; there’s just so much uncertainty in the world.” Helen states. “The baby's safe and sound here, but everything changes once he’s born.”

“Yeah, but in a good way. I mean, we finally get to meet our baby, you know? The one we’ve been dreaming about for so long.”

“But one day, he will have to go out into the world, and that's when everything we do begins to impact the person he becomes. We won’t always be able to protect him.”

There’s a moment of silence between them as Max remembers the conversation he and Helen had five years ago when they first met. When Helen expressed wanting so desperately to have a child and how there were so many reasons not to, one being the fact that she would be bringing a brown child into the world. Max responded that the only reason to do it was hope. Now he was filled with hope and fear as he realized his son would live in a world far crueler than his own. A world sometimes filled with hatred and uncertainty. They were still living amid a global pandemic in a politically divided country, and all Max wanted to do was heal the system and break the rules to fix everything.

Max once believed he could end racism; stupidly, he thought it would be a quick fix. He pledged “to stop the inherent systemic racism” by further explaining to Helen that he would step down as Medical Director so she could fill the role. She replied that Max didn’t see the “irony of asking someone who suffers from systemic racism to fix it.” Then later that day, he made things worse by suggesting they be co-medical directors, which was not necessarily a bad idea, just something he proposed for the wrong reasons, still not quite seeing the consequences of his actions.

Now, he was reminded of the harsh reality explained by Helen. That despite his idealism and ambition, racism would always be something he would fail to understand, no matter how well-intentioned his actions were. At the same time, he knew that as a parent, you can’t always protect your children, and he was a product of that himself. He remembers Helen coming to him about Mina a few short years ago and how she wished she could have protected her niece.

Now, two and a half years later, Max still felt the same. His mind was telling him that he needed to change the world, but in his heart, Max finally realized that trusting in Helen meant everything. None of this seemed fair, but Max knew Helen understood this more than most people, especially himself. Still, he wanted to be open and honest with her about his feelings.

“I don’t wanna make this about myself, but when you have kids, you hope their lives will be better than ours were, but it breaks my heart knowing his life will be harder than mine was. It just doesn’t seem fair.”

“Of course, none of this is fair. There will be a lot we’ll have to teach him, and even though it shouldn’t be his responsibility to worry about certain things, he will have to.”

All of a sudden, Max is reminded of when he saw a Black mother and her son being harassed on the subway and how he felt terrible for not speaking up because he hadn’t realized what had happened until afterward.

Now the tables were turned. He was about to be the father of a little Black boy himself. Max understood now that he was often unaware of the privilege afforded him because of his skin color, and the thought of preparing a child for something he had never experienced terrified him.

“So how can I make his life better? What can I do to fix this?” Max asked, hoping Helen might have the answer to his question.

“You can’t. It’s not your job to fix everything. You just need to listen and be there for him when he needs you. It’s the only thing you can do. All that matters is that you’re here.”

“I’m sorry about your father.” Helen says sincerely.

“Don’t be. I had my grandfather. He’s the one who made me the man I am today.”

“I’m glad you had him in your life.” Helen smiles.

“Me too. There’s this one thing he always told me, that no matter what, I could find the light.” Max smiles. “And in a world full of darkness, he’s our light.”

“I think I know what his name is.” Helen smiles, her hand lovingly caressing the top of her baby bump. She leans over to whisper the name and its meaning into Max’s ear.

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Max inquiries softly, a small grin forming across his face.

“Do you like it?"

"It's perfect, just like him.” Max smiles before planting a loving kiss on Helen’s lips. "Because, like Luna, he's the center of our universe.”