Chapter Text
Excerpt 1
The scene: This happens quite a bit after Yoongi's reunion with Seokjin, in which Yoongi realizes that his once nostalgia and yearning for the past and the spring and Seokjin has translated into full-fledged feelings for the man. This is obviously a problem, because Seokjin is happily dating Jungkook, who has become one of Yoongi's closest friends.
Yoongi leans into the plush of the seat, watches the rest of the group chatter and drink amongst themselves. He takes slow sips of his own drink, watching the way Seokjin laughs at his own dad joke, watches as the rest of the group cringes.
He smiles down into his drink, trying to tuck his fondness for a man he cannot have into his throat, somewhere he can hide, somewhere he is safe. After feeling he has tampered down his smile, Yoongi glances up again, but instead of seeing Seokjin double over laughter, he makes eye contact with Hoseok.
Hoseok who is looking at him, lips parted in surprise and eyes painfully wide. Hoseok’s eyes dart from him to Seokjin, and Yoongi freezes. There is a clear question, perhaps even an accusation, floating right between the space of Hoseok and Yoongi. No one else sees it, happily chatting amongst themselves, but it’s there.
It’s there, clear as day, the truth spread out in the air of the bar they always frequent, and Hoseok has to be the first one to confront it. Hopefully, he’ll be the only one.
That’s how they end up outside the bar, some excuse about getting some fresh air even though both of them are intensely sober.
“So,” Hoseok starts, then stops. He’s at a loss for words, Yoongi thinks, and truthfully, so is he.
“So,” Yoongi continues. “Yeah.”
Hoseok takes a sharp intake of breath. “Yeah?”
Yoongi closes his eyes, and nods. Once. Enough.
He hears Hoseok shudder out a breath.
“He’s dating Jungkook. You’re not… Going to-“
“No, of course not,” Yoongi says as he opens his eyes and takes a long look at Hoseok, “I wouldn’t do that to Jungkook. To him.”
He looks away as Hoseok’s gaze grows curious. “I’ll get over it. I’ll be fine.”
"If you say so," Hoseok replies.
"I know so." Yoongi says. "I have to be fine. There is no other option."
-
Excerpt 2
The scene: Seokjin and Yoongi, finally having a one-on-one conversation to talk about the past. They've settled into some type of territory of kind-of friends but not really, given the ferocity in which Jungkook dragged Seokjin into the friend group, but also the ease in which Seokjin has assimilated into the group. They talk, they're friendly, but the tension of the past never goes away. Well, what better time to talk about it when they're practically stranded together for the next hour or so, as Jungkook and Namjoon are busy with a sudden studio meeting, leaving the two of them alone in what was originally a four-person outing.
“I always wished you’d call.” Seokjin chuckled to himself, as if the very statement was ridiculous. “I spent so much time by the telephone, thinking that the next incoming call would be yours.”
Seokjin sighs, staring off in the distance. “But you never called. And I moved on.”
Yoongi grimaces. Looks away.
“Teenage me was stupid. You know that.”
“Yeah,” Seokjin agrees, lips pursed in the ghost of a smile, “You really were.”
Yoongi opens his mouth, but Seokjin continues.
“But maybe I’m the stupid one, being so torn up over a teenage friendship… It’s just… Yoongi-yah, I was so in love with you back then.”
The sheer force of that confession almost knocks Yoongi over, and he looks at Seokjin, eyes wide. Fingers, inching and itching at his side. He feels hopeful, almost, but it also feels wrong.
Seokjin must see something in Yoongi’s expression that Yoongi knows he’s not expressing, because Seokjin’s laughing.
“You didn’t know?” Seokjin watches him shake his head, and laughs some more. “I was so obvious! I thought you ignoring me was you rejecting me… I was heartbroken for months.”
Seokjin laughs again, and his shoulder sags from relief.
“I can’t believe I was angry at you for so long when you didn’t even know. I guess I was the dumb one, huh?”
Yoongi smiles, but it’s strained. His hands are taped by his side now, because he fears they’d reach out to Seokjin automatically, recognizing a home in the slope of his neck.
“Still,” he manages to say after a while, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry Yoongi-chi,” Seokjin says wistfully, “It’s all in the past now. We’re different people now.”
Yoongi glances at Seokjin, and Seokjin glances back, smiling.
Yoongi tries to smile back. He thinks he succeeds.
(What does one do with an emotion like regret? It’s never so much a motivator to do better and become better as much as it is an excuse to wallow in grief and nostalgia and for all the things you’ve could’ve done and could’ve been.
What does Yoongi do with a confession that is years too late? Other than get angry? First at Seokjin for thinking Yoongi is smart enough to tell, then at himself for being the reason they stopped talking, and then at his timid obtuse heart for never being mature enough to recognize what he already had. Then, at timing.
They had just missed each other, by just that bit.
Would he still be here, today, as almost-strangers with Seokjin, if he had just stayed on the phone longer?
Yoongi doesn’t try and dwell on that question long enough to come up with answer. Perhaps he already knows. Perhaps Seokjin does too.)
-
Excerpt 3
The scene: Yoongi and his imagination. The world that could've been, but was not.
If Yoongi was more selfish, loved Jungkook less, he might do whatever it took to make his feelings known and reciprocated.
“I love you,” Yoongi would say. “This is me, fighting for you. Fighting for us.”
Seokjin would stare, horrified perhaps, as he continues on with his confession.
“I’m sorry for ignoring your calls, I’m sorry for being the reason we became strangers, and I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing and grovelling if you would just…”
“…Just?”
“Have me. If you would just have me. Because I’m yours in any way you want.”
But, this is not that Yoongi. This is not that universe. In this one, Yoongi leaves Seokjin behind in pursuit of his dreams, and Seokjin spends many nights mourning a friendship he thought would last.
In this universe, friends who grew up together drift apart. A drift caused both by distance and by choice. They reunite in their 20s as strangers, just another person with a slightly familiar face but no longer speaking the language of the relationship they used to have.
Spring becomes winter and winter becomes spring and two people who have mattered so much to each other will carry each other’s influence into many crevices of their lives, but at the end of the day, they are strangers and nothing more. Strangers with many memories, but strangers nonetheless.
This is dramatic, Yoongi thinks, to feel so much for a relationship that never spanned past your teens.
But the truth is this: Yoongi has always loved Seokjin. Far before he even knew what love was. Far before he could conceptualize his sexuality, or his preferences, or his "ideal type". But in his chase for fame and glamour, he left Seokjin behind. And of course he wasn't bright enough to realize how much Seokjin mattered to him until their friendship had disintegrated to dust, until Jungkook walked up introducing Seokjin as his new boyfriend.
In this universe, Yoongi yearns and mourns. The truth is Yoongi has always loved Seokjin and Seokjin had always loved him. But two of them are just two trains heading towards similar directions with no intention to ever intersect. Instead, Yoongi sits by the window and watches as Seokjin passes him by.
Seokjin loved him, and Yoongi didn't love him back until it was too late.
-
Excerpt 4
The scene: Another conversation, another time.
"I think spring is my favourite season." Yoongi says.
"Oh?"
"The cherry blossoms." Yoongi says, "I've always loved the cherry blossoms."
Seokjin says nothing for a while. "They're beautiful in Seoul."
"The ones in our hometown were far more beautiful."
Seokjin glances at him, looks away. "That's your nostalgia talking."
"The past is always tinted with rose-coloured glasses," Seokjin continues, "The trees are all scrawny now. Nothing like what we used to see."
"That's a shame."
"Yeah, it really is."
-
Excerpt 5
The scene: a snapshot from the past.
"When he calls, I'll confess." Seokjin says to himself, pacing back and forth in his living room, eyeing the phone in the corner. "I'll do it. I'll tell him. He probably already knows but... Still. I should still tell him myself."
The phone rings. Seokjin lunges for it.
"Hyung!" is Yoongi's excited cry, "I have something to tell you!"
Something in Seokjin jumps. Out of a joy, he thinks. Out of suspense.
"So do I," he finally says, fingers itching at the telephone cord. His hands are starting to sweat. "Yoongi-yah, you go first."
This is it, Seokjin thinks.
"I'm going to Seoul!" Yoongi all but shouts into the speaker, "I'm going to chase my dreams like I've always said I would!"
Seokjin's hand drop back to his side. He deflates, the rapid beating of his heart succumbing to a disappointing thud.
"Hyung?"
Seokjin swallows his confession back, and eases his disappointment away. Yoongi will still be there for him, no matter if he's in Seoul, or Mars, or the Moon. Distance is not the issue, Yoongi is always going to be his Yoongi. Even if he didn't like him back like that.
"That's great Yoongi-chii", Seokjin says. And he means it.
" I can't wait to see the superstar you become."
(What Yoongi should've said: "I hope you're by my side when that happens."
What Yoongi said instead: "Thanks hyung. I've got to go now.")