Chapter Text
“You’re joining the search party again?”
“Yes, Mike, because people are still missing,” Will snapped. He didn’t mean to, but Mike had been bugging him so much lately. They needed to go to the Upside-Down, they needed to find Eddie, they needed a plan—How the hell could Mike not see that all of that was the last thing Will wanted?
He could feel it still. The Mind Flayer, Vecna—hell, half the time, he was pretty sure they were one in the same. Or that one controlled the other. He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to. He wanted it to be over. And maybe it made him a coward to just hope El and the others could solve it on their own, but the very idea of going back there—it made him want to crawl out of his skin. Physically, crawl out of his skin, leave a sopping mess of skin and blood behind, and his skeleton self could go hide in a ditch until it was all over.
It sounded safer, honestly. He hadn’t said it to the others, but some part of him was worried that the Mind Flayer could still use him. Take control of him again. That Vecna could. And that was a more terrifying thought.
“Almost everyone’s been found,” Mike said.
“Yeah, almost,” Will said.
“They’re not going to find Eddie,” Mike said with a resigned sigh.
“There are still other people missing.” He was grasping at straws and he knew it. There were maybe four people besides Eddie that were missing, and most of the town had resigned themselves to never finding them. That their faces would just be plastered on milk cartons until the end of days.
But joining the search parties gave Will a purpose. It made him feel like he was helping and making a difference. Even if he was running away from the way that his friends wanted him to make a difference in a different way.
“Right,” Mike muttered. “Well, El and Dustin have almost finished their plan to go in. By this weekend, they’re planning to go. You’ll come around, right?”
“Mike—“
“I’m not asking you to go in,” Mike said quickly. “None of us would ask you to. But some of us have to stay on the other side, in case anything goes wrong. Please, stay with us until they get back?”
Just when Will had almost convinced himself that Mike couldn’t make him do anything with those sad puppy eyes, the damn Wheeler went and proved him wrong. He was right back where he started, in too deep, far over his head, with feelings for his best friend that would never be returned. “Of course I will,” he said quietly. “I’ll see you later.”
What Will didn’t tell Mike, or anyone really, was that he didn’t join the search parties alone. Sure, Jonathan was always there. But lately, Jamie was as well. Will wasn’t sure what his friends would think about him hanging around Eddie’s cousin, so he never brought it up. He felt guilty about it when he was around them, but when he jogged up to the group gathered in front of the police station, and he watched a smile spread across Jamie’s face when the boy saw him across the parking lot, he couldn’t feel all that and about it.
“Hey,” Will said, breathless as he reached the group. It was smaller than it had been in the early days after everything. Weeks, months went by, and people moved on. Rebuilt. Forgot. Now the group was down to just over a dozen, half of them being police officers. Jamie and his uncle were there, and Nancy, Steve and Robin.
“Bout time you got here,” Jamie teased.
“Slow down, kid,” Jonathan grumbled as he reached them, poking lightly at the back of Will’s head.
“Keep up old man,” Will said, he jumped sideways to dodge the elbow aimed at his ribs, and the laughter of their friends sounded like music. A song he hadn’t thought he’d hear again after everything that had happened. It still felt too soon to think like that. It wasn’t over, as Mike had so kindly reminded him not long ago.
They quieted as Hopper handed out the grid maps for the day’s search. Will tuned out the directions that he’d heard on repeat every time he came out, which was now a few times a week. He scanned the map, then looked at the second page. It was a list of the people still missing. There were four on the front of the page, one on the back, with photos and various identifying information listed for each.
Eddie was on the back of the page.
“Like an afterthought,” Jamie commented, just as he always did when they were handed the same sheet. Will didn’t say anything. He knew Hopper put the sheets together, and likely put Eddie on the back because he knew they wouldn’t find him. He just couldn’t exactly broadcast that. But still, Will knew how it looked to Jamie that Eddie was graced with the back of the page, while everyone else stared brightly back at them from the front.
“Ready to go?” Jamie asked, and Will tore his eyes from the page. He was certain that his lung’s capacity for air didn’t change when he made eye contact with Jamie. That wasn’t how biology worked. But someone needed to remind his lungs of that biological fact.
“Yeah,” Will said, his voice still quiet and breathless as when he’d ran across the parking lot, though now without the excuse of such physical exertion.
Shoulder-to-shoulder, straight lines, slow pace, stay in the line, eyes squarely on the path directly in front of you. Will had done this now so many times that he had to consciously make the effort to not zone out. That defeated the entire purpose of the patterned search. They were searching an area they’d searched in the early days, but now it had been cleared of rubble and debris, so they were doubling back over the area.
Mike was right, of course. They didn’t make any progress. Not what Will would call progress, anyway. Hopper marked down the area they’d covered, and said they were making progress. They didn’t have the same definition of progress. Four people, bodies probably by now, were still missing. Well, five. But one of those wouldn’t be found in this version of Hawkins.
“Want to come over for dinner?” Jamie asked as they were getting ready to leave.
“What?” Will asked, making Jamie laugh.
“Dinner, food,” Jamie said slowly. “Me and my uncle are ordering pizza. You and your brother want to join us?”
“I’ve got plans,” Jonathan said quickly. Will turned to stare at him curiously. He definitely did not have plans as far as Will knew. “Will, you should go. Have fun.” Will’s mouth went dry. He could only imagine the panicked look that must be on his face, but Jonathan—the traitor—just smiled at him and shoved him towards Jamie. He knew that exact look on Jonathan’s face. The you-either-go-along-with-it-or-fend-for-yourself look. What was worse was that he knew Jonathan never gave him that look unless he was entirely certain Will was capable of handling either going along with it, or fending for himself. In this case, Will felt like a fish floundering on dry land searching for a damn puddle.
“I guess I’m coming over for pizza, then,” Will said. Jamie laughed and slung an arm around Will’s shoulder, and it was both the best and scariest moment of his—ok, that was a lie. He’d had a shit ton of scarier moments than this in his life. The scariest moment that any sane person would consider normal. Not counting possession, literal monsters, hell, and murder. Not counting all of those things, this was scarier than whatever was left.
Which was a shockingly small amount, when Will tried to piece together what his life was without those things.
Still, scary though it was, Will somehow knew instinctively that he would do anything in his power to hear that laugh again. Constantly, forever. And that, in itself, was also a terrifying thought.
Will hadn’t spoken to Jamie’s uncle much, despite being in search parties with him a few times a week. Will was usually between Jonathan and Jamie during their search, or between Jamie and Robin. He somehow always ended up beside Jamie, and Will didn’t even plan it that way. Don’t get him wrong—he had tried. The first search party after he’d met Jamie, Will had done everything he could to try and end up beside him, but Robin and Jonathan had crowded him between them. The two of them had shared looks and odd commentary that made Will feel like he was missing an inside joke. After that, he’d always end up with one of them on his left, and Jamie on his right.
And if he had thought he’d imagined the way Robin and Jonathan would try and make up excuses to leave, or to “accidentally” bump into Will and nudge him closer to Jamie, he was absolutely certain now that it was not just in his head. Not when Jonathan was grinning at him, and Robin winked at him when Jamie turned away to say something to his uncle.
All that said, Will still hadn’t spoken much to Jamie’s uncle. And that didn’t change even after Will was invited over for pizza. Will had thought the man moved like a ghost through the searches, but he’d thought it was just because he was focused. Now he saw that it was just constant. Pictures of Eddie sat on nearly every available surface, in nearly every picture frame. The man moved like a ghost through his own house.
“He’s having a rough time since we lost Eddie,” Jamie said quietly after his uncle had taken a slice of pizza on a paper plate and disappeared through a door down the hallway.
“I’m sorry,” Will said.
“Told you to stop apologizing so much,” Jamie said, his tone lighter. Will realized pretty quickly that Jamie could be loud, and out-there, angry and willing to fight someone in a second. But he was also quiet when Will needed it. Will wasn’t naive enough to think that was on purpose, or because of Will, but he appreciated the accident, or coincidence. Whatever it was.
“What was he like?” Will asked. Guilt twisted in his gut. He didn’t even know if Eddie could actually be alive in the Upside-Down, but he felt like he was hiding something by still speaking of Eddie in the past tense. It wasn’t like he could just tell Jamie—Hey so your dead cousin might not be dead, my sort-of sister saw him being possessed in this weird hell-scape alternate world, and we think the rules around death in this world might be different—Yeah, he was sure that would go over wonderfully.
“Your friends didn’t tell you about him?”
Will shrugged. “A little,” he admitted. “They only knew him less than a year, though. They said he was an outcast at the school, but he took them under his wing. Didn’t care what anyone thought about him. Would fight for any of them, but also took zero shit from them too.”
Jamie laughed a little, and an unconscious smile pulled at Will’s lips at the sound. “Yeah, that sounds like Eddie,” he said. “Always wished I was as brave as him.”
“You are brave,” Will interjected before he could stop himself. His gaze dropped to the lukewarm pizza on his plate as he rambled out an explanation, “I—I mean, you don’t take shit from anyone. You were ready to fight a group of strangers when you heard El talking about an Eddie lookalike being in her nightmare.”
“Caught me on a bad day,” Jamie teased. “Nah, Eddie, he was the brave one. He was the one who could take on the world. I just hung around in his shadow and tried to be like him.” Will remembered Mike making a comment that Jamie looked like he could be Eddie’s mini-me, and smiled to himself.
“You looked up to him,” he said.
“Yeah,” Jamie said, then laughed to himself, making Will look up at him again. “My parents hated it. Said Eddie was a bad influence on me. You know, when he started going by Eddie instead of Ed, I told everyone to call me Jamie. Parents still refused and kept calling me James. Threw a damn fit over it the first week.” His smile faded a little at the moment, and Will wondered what had happened, but didn’t want to ask. “Anyway, they never really got me.”
Will hesitated, noting the way Jamie spoke of them in the past tense. He didn’t want to pry, but he wanted to know. He took a bite of his pizza, shuffling around in his mind to try and find a polite way to ask. “Did they, uh. They ever come around?”
“Nah,” Jamie said. “Kicked me out a couple years back when I tried to introduce them to my boyfriend.”
Will choked on his pizza. It was not his finest moment.
A hand thumped hard against his back a couple of times, until Will waved his hand, silently gesturing that he was fine. He took a drink of water, and pointedly ignored Jamie’s laughter. “Sorry, I um. Sorry,” Will stumbled over the words.
“Told you to quit apologizing,” Jamie teased. When Will tried to make eye contact again, Jamie’s eyes narrowed at him. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna be an asshole ‘bout me having an ex-boyfriend, huh?”
Why on earth did Will’s brain choose to focus on the ex part of that sentence?
And why did just making eye contact with Jamie now make his face feel like it was on fire?
“No, no of course not—I, no,” Will stumbled through the words quickly, but Jamie just smile as if he was having the time of his life watching Will fumble.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Will,” Jamie said, clapping him on the back one more time before pulling away. Will drained the rest of his glass of water, and was grateful for the excuse to get up and refill it.
Will felt like he should ask something. He wasn’t sure what the protocol was here. Just act like it was an off handed statement of fact that meant nothing? That it didn’t make his heart feel like it was beating out of his chest? Or did he ask follow-up questions? He kind of wanted to, only for his own sanity, but wasn’t sure how to.
“Did Eddie know?” Will settled on as he walked back to the table.
“First person I told,” Jamie said. He was so casual talking about it, Will wanted to stare in amazement at how cool and at ease Jamie was. For clarification purposes, he did not because that would be rude. And weird.
“He was cool about it?” Will asked.
“Of course, it’s Eddie,” Jamie said with a laugh. “He did tell me my boyfriend was a douchebag though.”
“Oh,” Will said, uncertain what else to say.
“Turns out he was right,” Jamie said. “But he was chill with me liking guys. He was basically the only one,” Jamie’s tone got just slightly darker as he spoke, and Will wanted to reach out, to say it was alright. But he kept his hands to himself.
“You live with other family now?” Will asked, hoping to change the topic to something lighter. Something that might make him smile again.
“My grandparents,” Jamie said dismissively. “They wanted to send me to some scared straight camp, but we agreed to just—not talk about it instead.” Will just nodded, feeling decisively like he was making it worse. After a minute, Jamie spoke again, his voice quieter than Will could remember hearing it. “Eddie tried to fight ‘em for custody when he turned eighteen. Judge didn’t like him though. Took one look at Eddie and said I’d be better off miserable with family that could barely stand me. He said he’d try again once he finally graduated high school. Never made it that far, though.”
This time Will did reach out and rest a hand on Jamie’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. Jamie turned to fix him with a feigned glare. He stared to open his mouth, but Will cut him off, “I’m sorry that you lost an incredible and supportive family member. You can’t be mad at me for that one.” Jamie laughed, and Will decided that in addition to the sound, his new addiction would be the feeling of Jamie’s shoulders shaking as he laughed.
Will pulled his hand back before his brain could go too far down that rabbit hole.
“You should’ve met him, man,” Jamie said, a bright grin on his face that Will couldn’t help but return.
“Wish I had,” Will said. I hope I still can. He didn’t dare say it out loud. Not until they knew for sure. “Sounds like a cool person.”
“I mean, I’ve been told I’m basically his mini clone,” Jamie said, arms spread wide and dramatic.
“I definitely would’ve liked him then,” Will said without thinking. His own words didn’t click until one of Jamie’s eyebrows quirked up, the side of his mouth tilting his grin slightly into more of a smirk. Will shut his eyes tight, willing down the burn in his face that he could already feel. “I just—From what my friends have said, and you’ve said. He just—Sounds like he was a cool guy to hang out with. A good—good friend.”
Jamie laughed, and Will felt a hand clapping him on the back again, but this time it lingered for a moment longer than strictly necessary. “Don’t hurt yourself, Will,” Jamie said again. Thankfully he seemed to take pity on Will and changed the subject. “You want to hang around for while? Play video games or something?”
Will’s eyes flicked up to the clock on the wall, and he almost fell over in his rush to get up. “Shoot, no, sorry I have to get home,” he said. He hadn’t realized it was so late. He started to clean up his plate, but Jamie took it from him, batting his hands away. “Sorry. My mom’ll be worried.”
“All good,” Jamie said. His voice wasn’t as carefree as it had been before though, and when Will looked back towards him, Jamie looked—nervous was the only word Will could think of, but that wasn’t a word he’d ever thought to attribute to Jamie. “Hey Will. Are we—We’re cool, right?” Jamie asked, and it took Will a second to connect back to the fact that Jamie had said pointblank that Eddie was the only person to have a good reaction to finding out that Jamie liked boys. Something heavy and warmed dropped into Will’s stomach at the thought that he’d been trusted with that kind of information.
“Yeah, of course,” Will said. He started to reach out for Jamie’s shoulder again, but in a moment of courage he didn’t know he possessed, he grabbed Jamie’s hand instead, squeezing it gently in his. “We’re good,” he said, offering what he hoped was a comforting smile, and not a look of sheer terror at his own actions. Jamie smiled a little, and started to move his hand. For one panicked second, Will thought he was going to twist his hand over to hold Will’s properly, but Will pulled back, trying hard to not make it look like he was scared of Jamie. He wasn’t. He was scared of himself. Or something. He wasn’t sure, but he was definitely not scared of Jamie.
“See you out there for the search party tomorrow?” Jamie asked.
“Definitely.”